to start over.

“no person wants to start over with a new person. telling secrets, giving their body away. falling all over again. its too much..”

via @changes on twitter

This twitter post literally came the very day I needed it. Coincidence? I really don’t know.

But do you know what it’s like?

Let’s go back. If you’re interested in a little history step inside the rollercoaster ride.

Eighth grade. I like this guy in my class. And this is the first time I’ve liked someone for their personality, and not just solely on looks. He was funny, we had banter, and he said cute things sometimes, I guess. He did things my little middle school heart never experienced before… like he hugged me. Yep. Hugged me. Many other things happened and I had a little hope that he liked me. But he didn’t.

And so when it was time for us to go our separate ways into high school, I found myself missing him. Long story, short (because this story was on my blog before “Over”) I tried to get over him and it took two years. He was completely toxic for my heart. I always thought he was genuine and missed me too, but no.

One of my best friends told me that I would meet someone better, someone who deserved my heart… then “Phoenix” showed up. And I thought maybe this is my second chance.

Remember Phoenix? The guy I thought was perfect for my heart? The guy I thought would never hurt me? I thought he would be someone worth falling for.

So I fell.

It’s been months. Maybe even close to a year?

And honestly, when I fell I didn’t expect to be this close to him. To have his number, to have his snapchat, to have hung out with him. None of that was expected when I started to fall. But it happened. And it made the falling even worse.

But the falling was okay. Because Phoenix seemed sooooo much better than my eighth-grade crush, let’s call him “Over.”

So I started over with Phoenix. I fell. Again. But it was okay because he was genuine and sweet and honest and real. Right?

Phoenix did things that no guy has ever done. He asked me if I had depression, he sensed that himself, and then he figured out that I had anxiety and he asked me about it. And he told me that he would be there to talk if I ever needed it. He suspected something was wrong and something happened in my life just because of a “weird-sounding” text. And we texted each other in paragraphs and he never seemed to mind.

But then, things changed.

And he just turned out to be like the 7.0 version of Over. But it was deeper this time. It was much deeper.

I told Phoenix things I haven’t even told my best friend. I told him my fears, my secrets, I gave him a piece of myself. I got to know him, or at least who he wanted to seem like in front of me. I built a relationship with him. And for what?

For it to just go to waste?

We’re not on good terms right now. This isn’t like some petty fight… this might be the end of the Phoenix chapter. And honestly? I thought it would last way longer. But he turned out to be just as dishonest as Over.

Both of them were just full of talk and their actions came from their ego instead of their heart.

So here I am. After falling deeper for the second time.

I thought I would be in a better place. I thought it would be worth it. I thought it would at least feel better than this.

But falling for the second time is, even more, worse than the first time.

Ater the first time, I was cautious. I didn’t want to let my heart out of its chains again. But when a guy does the sweet things that Phoenix did you get vulnerable and you trust. And you fall before you can stop yourself.

I never really believed my best friend when she said I would find a guy who would treat me so much better. It didn’t really feel like that would actually happen because it’s me and my life. But then he came in and gave me a little hope that genuine guys existed and there might be a chance I could get over “Over.”

He gave me hope after my first fall.

But the second fall, like I said, didn’t turn out great. Not at the beginning, not in the middle, not in the end.

Even though there were great things that happened during this fall… something was there to always make me feel like crap: another girl, he hurt me unintentionally or intentionally, my anxiety, etc.

And you know? I tried so hard to push the crappy parts down because I thought I would never meet another guy like him. A guy who would care so much about me and about my past and my future. A guy who wanted to see the stars with me, wanted to see a play together, wanted to go far away someday to escape it all, didn’t believe in promises like me, and hated fake people just as much as me. He seemed… right? He told me instead of a party he would want to see a sunset and I’m like wow, the perfect person for a girl with anxiety.

It all just seemed so perfect. I guess that’s what was wrong. The perception of it was deceitful.

But the way I got to know him was different than the way I got to know anyone else. We opened up to each other. We took small steps. We shared.

How do you let something like that go?

And how can you possibly think of moving on and thinking you deserve someone better when that was it… when that was the better? Or at least it felt like it.

Did I waste all those months, all that time, falling for him? Is it all just a waste now? Now that I know I meant nothing to him. And it was all nothing.

I don’t even know if I can get up after this second fall. I don’t think I can picture myself giving so much of myself to another person… hoping that they’re the right one for my heart.

I can’t do it again. I can’t.

It was hard enough this time.

Now, a piece of me is with him and he’s just breaking that piece apart.

How can I open up myself to another person? Open up my heart? The thought of falling for a third time and getting heartbroken for a third time? I don’t want to think of that. It really exhausts me thinking like that. I don’t even know if I’ll even be able to…

How do people like this get so consumed with playing the game that they don’t even realize they’re playing with feelings and emotions? Doesn’t that ever cross their minds?

How can I start over?

After going through so much, after listening to my heart, how can I possibly start over?

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to be wrong.

We all know what it’s like to be wrong, right?

Whether it’s when you raise your hand to answer a question in school or it’s a mini-argument about opinions or facts with your friends.

It’s okay to be wrong. But it’s embarrassing. Our pride gets bruised and how the other person responds to the incorrectness is crucial to how we’re going to feel about being wrong.

Either way, being wrong sucks. But it’s okay to be wrong— because that’s how we learn.

But what if you were wrong about how a person felt towards you?

Do you know what that’s like?

If you don’t, you’re lucky. If you do, wow. It truly, honestly feels like crap.

It’s extremely hard to be shown the truth. Because your mind has already put this perception of “how they felt” in your mind and it’s hard to let it go. It’s like believing in something for a long time and then figuring out the mind-blowing truth. The only examples I can think of are Santa Clause and the tooth fairy but it’s deeper than child beliefs. It’s a person… and your heart.

If there are signs and memories involved. Woh, that makes the situation ten times tougher. There were, what seemed to look like, “hints” that your mind and heart considered. How you think they felt is of course backed by evidence and this is the evidence. How they acted towards you. How they talked to you, their word choice. It’s all considered. But now that the truth is out and they actually don’t feel the way your mind perceives— what’s to become of those signs now? What were they? Who was this person, really?

And to not only be wrong about how they feel but also about who they are? It’s horrible.

Especially if you let the person in and opened up to them in a way you’ve never opened up to anyone else. But that never mattered to them.

Actually, nothing involving you mattered to them. No matter how much your heart wanted to push that thought away, maybe it’s the truth. If it’s not, where are they to prove you wrong?

Maybe all those weeks of pushing for the relationship to keep standing, it was just always meant to fall apart. You can’t force something that’s not there… that doesn’t want to be there in the first place: feelings or friendship.

It takes two people to build and maintain a relationship and if you have to question the other person’s intentions and whether they care about you, not because you’re scared but because they never proved to have cared… there’s a problem. And if you have to guess their feelings based on signs— you know that there is a miscommunication somewhere.

It’s dark and depressing to be wrong about someone and the way they feel. So don’t force a relationship if your thoughts and perceptions of the person are what you have to believe in instead of the person itself. If the person doesn’t show you who they really are then what’s making you stick around?

Don’t stay just to be burned. Trust me, this is coming from a girl who’s just been incinerated.


I knowww my blogging game truly sucks. But I’m going to try really hard. It’s like I stopped using blogging as my therapy and I miss it. I vaguely remember whenever I had feelings or emotions to vent, I always pulled up this page and it made me feel better. But so many factors have ruined that feeling for me. But I’m going to try harder.

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storytime & feelings: watching the clouds with you.

So even though things have been all kinds of confusing with Phoenix considering that I have feelings for him and he tends to “lose focus,” we hung out last week Tuesday for the second time.

Honestly, the moments/minutes leading up to the hang out were not very pleasant. I told him that I was free anytime in the afternoon, but we never really confirmed a time, he just told me he had to leave the hang out before 4. He told me that he would text me when he left the house. This was around 12 noon. I took a quick shower and anxiously asked my dad if I could go to the library with my friend (because that’s where we were meeting up). I was really surprised when my dad said yes because he didn’t ask about my friend (or the gender of my friend). Because my dad is Indian, and ya know if I told him I was hanging out with a guy… I would never hear the end of it. But he didn’t ask me so I was in the clear.

But 2 hours passed and now I’m not sure if Phoenix is gonna cancel on me again because he hasn’t told me if he left and he left my message on read. It made me stressed out and anxious. Not only because of him, but my dad needed me to scan a whole bunch of documents… and he asked me literally the minute before he had to leave for work. So I had to do that and then I decided to text him and ask, “Did you leave yet?” I wouldn’t have texted him first but I was really stressed and I didn’t care anymore so I just sent the text.

He texted back and told me that he did leave and I should leave the house too. So I was in a literal rush now. And also, I almost forgot this. I texted my friend telling her I needed help. I was going to ask her if wearing a skirt sent the wrong signal. Yes, I am a girl and I don’t need to send him anything yet because not even a few days ago this same boy pissed me off to no end with his excuse of why he canceled on me last week (which her didn’t give me until 3 days later.  He left me clueless as to why we didn’t hang out). She texted me when I was trying to rush out of the house, scanning the last document… so that makes it 3 things that rushed me. She told me no skirts and I tried to reason with her that skirts are my casual style. But then she convinced me to wear shorts, and honestly (but don’t tell her this lol) I felt more comfortable in shorts.

So then I left the house and my mom dropped me off at the library.  I remember that my heart was beating really fast and palpitating because I sent my friend a text that said, “My heart is doing trippy things.” My mom pulls up to the curb and I get out. I don’t know where he is but I know that he’s there. I walk up to the library (it’s a HUGE library) and the whole area is this downtown shopping area so there are stores and people all around. I don’t know why but I turn around, maybe to see if my mom left or to see if I could find him. I didn’t actually expect him to be walking up to me. Lol I would like to think that life owes me a favor where I could at least see him before he saw me. I think he saw me getting out of the car *facepalms* which is greaaatttt because I accidentally opened the car door too far and hit a mini grass hill.

So when I turned around for a second, he was coming down these stairs and he was smirking. I didn’t realize what was happening, that he was actually walking up to me and this was actually happening until 2 seconds later. Lol for those 2 seconds I was walking to who knows where. When the realization came I was like “Woah wait where are you going? He’s walking up to you Rebecca.” So I waited for him to meet me at the bottom of this little ramp thing that he was walking down. Ugh feelings, here I come.

*A very detailed, explanatory story follows ahead which is then followed by an analysis of my feelings and thoughts. Proceed with caution.*

As soon as he walked up to me, he smiled and my mind was like “This is actually happening.” He told me that he was going to take me to a park but we walked to an ATM to get some money first and he asked me to be his bodyguard lol. And I was like, “I should just let them rob you.” Then we walked through downtown for a bit because he had to go break some change. It was funny because we walked to a 7-11 and he asked them for change and they didn’t have any. I didn’t hear the conversation he had with the cashier but I thought the cashier was getting him money because he just stood there for a few seconds but then he said, “Let’s go.” And I was like, “Wait what happened?” He told me they didn’t have any change and then I questioned why he stood there for two extra seconds. He was like, “I was in shock, I couldn’t believe it” lol that was funny.

It was weird because I swear, as soon as I got out of the car these rain droplets started falling, but it was still pretty sunny. The last time we hung out it was raining, so we had to go to the library. Then last week he canceled on me because it was raining and he wanted to hang out outdoors. And I pointed this out to him and we joked about it. But hmm is that a sign?

We walked to the park. There were other teenagers there sitting on benches next to a playground. I guess they were from our school because he said he knew them from his class but he didn’t know them know them. He didn’t want to sit there and I didn’t want to sit there because ew teenagers lol (Yes, I am fully aware that I am a teenager lol, but these were supposedly teenagers from my school ew).

So we sat on these playground chairs in the middle of the playground. These were playground chairs, so they were cramped and there were two sets of these chairs. One was on the ground level (which I could reach), the other one was up higher and you had to get to it by climbing on the ground level set. He wanted to sit up there and I didn’t mind. But being a small person (and a PROUD one at that lol) he had to lift me up… Yeah… Honestly, I have to admit that the way he lifted me up was really weird. This chair consisted of two chairs connected to each other. So he laid down on the chairs, they were like u-shaped chillax chairs— they curved so you could lay down and like look at the clouds. But I sat next to him while he laid down (I was facing him) and we just talked about what we’ve been up to so far and how life’s been and other small stuff. Then a little girl wanted to sit on the chairs so we moved.

We moved to the benches (the other teens left) and talked some more. Someone called him and he talked in his native language and it was honestly so cool. Then we talked about the languages our families speak in. Which then made him ask me to say some words in my language, but I was embarrassed because I don’t talk in my parent’s native language, I just understand and listen to them because I only talk in English. So I was self-conscious of saying words wrong because I have no Indian accent whatsoever (it’s sad). But, he was literally so sweet. He was like “So what? I don’t even know if you’re saying it wrong so there’s nothing to worry or be freaked out about. I’m not going to judge you. I want to hear some words.” I told him what rain is (not considering the coincidental value this word already has). I don’t know how but we talked about going far away some day and he made us shake our hands (I know, was it a business deal? lol) as a deal to drive away from everything one day.

Then the benches got boring so we went back to the playground chairs. And this time… physical. Ok, you have to believe me when I said I TRIED. I really did. Because last time we hung out he was very touchy feely. I mean he’s a touchy feely person in general. But… ok the last time we hung out he tickled me (we were both sitting in chairs) and I don’t know I ended up on the floor and I ended up putting my head on his knee (TRUST ME, it isn’t as weird as it sounds) then we went on the bus and he tickled me again and I ended up putting my head on his shoulder and leaving it there and sometimes he put his head on my head. And he kept brushing strands of hair out of my face multiple times to “help me out.” So that was the last hang out and it kind of ruined me, so I mentally prepared myself for his touchy feeli-ness because I knew it would just ruin me later in the future.

But he was right there and my heart was just speaking for me. I mean you can convince yourself not to do something when you look back at it or if you’re away from the person, but being there in the moment with him, it was hard. We sat on the chairs again: he laid down and I sat upwards with my back to his knee like last time. I had my knees folded and sat and one of his hands opened out and I laid my folded knee in the direction of his stomach and he rested his hand on/around my knee. Then my leg cramped and I had to move and suddenly his arm rested near, some might even say around my waist (urgh).

And he kept playing with my life. I’m a small person compared to him and he took up half the chair space. He pretended to drop me and we were higher up, so it was scary, but not really because I knew he was just playing around. But my heart dropped the first time he did it because honestly, I wasn’t expecting it and the way he held me after he almost dropped me was fhjbjlumtdbt. He kept doing it and each time he did it he pulled me closer and I… came closer too buttttttttt I stopped myself. We also talked in between.

Then my foot was cramping so I had to lay down next to him. And he was like “Yeah, lay down, look at the clouds.” So I did and it was so nice. I pointed out a plane to him and felt like a little kid lol. But the reason I didn’t want to lay down next to him was that I thought he was going to do this one thing that I was scared of him doing: putting his arm around my shoulders. Because he is touchy feely and you can never tell. When I laid down he didn’t do anything for a few minutes. So you know how people put their arms behind their head in a sort of chillaxing way? He did that and this fool took up half my head space.. and he knew that he was doing that. I asked him to move but he just smirked- the nerve. So for the sake of my head and not wanting to fall off the chair, I had to put my head on his arm. And suddenly he moved his arm position and did exactly that: put his arm around my shoulder. I didn’t even realize when it was happening. Then, after a while, my neck started hurting, I don’t know there’s something wrong with my alignment I swear I have the back/neck of an old lady. So I told him and he tried fixing it by moving us higher but it didn’t help so I had to put my head into his chest area a little bit, but NOT on his chest, more into his arm if ya get what I mean. So yeah… there was that.

There were these small moments of silence, but it wasn’t awkward, it was like this calmness like one of those “I’m happy to be here with you” moments. That’s how I felt, I don’t know about him. Then while I was laying there I thought: Wow, it’s like we’re a casual couple hanging out at the park forgetting about the worries of the world. But wait one thing is missing: he doesn’t have feelings for me. So I felt complete (in my heart’s sense) but also heartbroken.

Also, he was supposed to leave at 5:30 to soccer practice and his friend called and he told them that he was on his way but he kept staying there with me because he made the point that he always practices soccer but he barely sees me. Of course, that didn’t help me. It made my heart go up but it also broke a little. Because he is insanely busy and he told me that next week he’s going out of state for a soccer thing and I don’t know why but my heart dropped but it’s not like I was going to see him next week or anything so I don’t know why I was feeling that.

We left the park at around 6 and I told him that my stomach was hurting because I hardly ate anything (there was no food at my house and my summer hunger is very weird) and we went to a store and he got me fries and he paid for me and I have no idea why he did that. That’s also a reason why I told him that it’s no bother that if we don’t get food because I knew he would be a gentleman and pay.

Then we had to go different directions and my heart dropped again. He told me the directions to the library, we side-hugged (which is something I kind of regret now because I wish I gave him a real hug but one hand was holding the bag of fries and the other held my phone). I told him that if I got kidnapped it would be his fault lol. Then I walked off and it took everything in me not to turn around and face him because if I did I would never want to leave. Of course, my resolve was not great. I did eventually turn back, but I turned when he was crossing the street.

Of course, I didn’t feel all that great after the hang out because I was thinking of something he said a few minutes before we left each other: he told me that if he saw me on a date whilst he was walking downtown (which was where we were) he would be like “Ooooh I see you, Rebecca.” And his reaction was so genuine and it’s something any of my other friends would say, there was no underlying meaning or pain in what he said we weren’t even talking about me and a date- he just brought it up.

I was feeling down because I’m so deep in the friendzone. I just feel like such a girl. Not even two seconds ago I was angry at him and now, I don’t even know.

And I called him like half an hour after we left each other because my mom wasn’t home and I needed a ride (my parents wouldn’t let me drive the van alone and honestly I’m scared to drive it… even though license I know, it’s just a huge car. Plus I would need to park it and there are parking meters and parking lots I have to consider, remember this is a shopping center). So I called to ask him how much the bus cost but he didn’t pick up, I think he was already at practice by then. Then he called me later when I was venting to my friend (about him) and I thought twice about not answering it but I didn’t know the outcomes of that so I just picked up. I told him why I called him and yeah… I just wanted to stay on the phone longer with him and yep I am ruined. Ugh, it also doesn’t help that he always says, “Stay safe” as often as he says hi or goodbye. Ugh ugh ugh.

It’s just so confusing for my heart because it’s as if there are two sides of him. There’s the real-life him. Who’s honestly so sweet and chill. Then there’s the texting side of him who’s a jerk and leaves me hanging some days. I don’t like the whole game, it has me pulling on my hairs and questioning my sanity.

And it doesn’t help that my friends keep telling me, “Oh, he wouldn’t do that if you two were ‘just friends’.” It’s all just a tangled mess of what do I do? Does he like me? Is he worth it considering all he’s done to me?

Feelings are a pool of “I don’t want this.” But just like I told one of my friends who’s also feeling overwhelming emotions: “It’s better to feel something than it is feeling nothing.”

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Rant: I’m GROWING UP??!?

As hard as it is to believe, I am.

Excuse me is there some time genie I could talk to about this? Because…

06.21.17

I GOT MY FRICKIN LICENSE!!!

Of course, I was so nervous and I blanked out when I had to start the car (fortunately they didn’t test me on that).

But my uncle knew I was nervous and he eased my nerves. Practicing with him has helped me a lot (I mean compared to my dad’s teaching yelling, yes, my uncle has helped me a lot). He prayed for me before the test and he kept me calm. And the moment I passed he gave me a side hug and told me that he knew I could do it.

So during the test, I was a shaky mess. But I kept under the speed limit and kept within the lines, and parked very nicely. The lady wasn’t mean, she was very calm. When she said the words, “You passed.” I couldn’t really believe it because she said like it was something casual and she like packed it in with the rest of what she said, so the “You passed” was packed in with everything else she said. But once I registered it, it was like “Wait, what? Did you just say I passed? I passed?!?” I was smiling so much, everyone in front of the motor vehicle place was staring at me like “Why is this girl smiling she’s literally walking into the place where time stands still (because it literally does)?”

Even though I was really happy, the place really killed my vibe. I waited until the place closed aka 2 hours later. I was cold and hungry. I really don’t know what happened. They never called my ticket number. By the time I went to the counter and the lady (who I have to say, was extremely nice) asked me “Are you excited to get your license?” I responded with excitement, or at least I tried to… the near-hypothermia might’ve messed up the excitement.

But on Monday, I got my license in the mail and I’m so so so happy.

06.28.17

I took my senior pictures!!

I had to go to school early for this college workshop at like 10 until 12 then I had to go for my pictures at 1:15. So what would I do for an hour and 15 minutes? I went to Macdonald’s. It was so nice. I just spent time with myself sipping a smoothie. But I didn’t feel lonely. It was so nice to just be in that moment with myself.

Lol then I had to do my makeup in a Macdonald’s bathroom. But can I just say that the one near my school, the one I went to, they play some really good music. Lol I felt so pumped and confident while I put my makeup on.

Then I went back to school to take the pictures. You know what they were playing when I walked in? A Fifth Harmony song. They were playing Fifth. Harmony. It’s like they knew I was coming lol. It turned out really good. The photographer was really nice and he actually showed me the pictures and I looked so grown up that I had to take a reality check and ask myself “Woah, wait, that’s really me?”

So yeah that’s been the growing up that I’ve done so far. Honestly, I’m not freaking out like “Nooooo, I don’t want to grow up!” I’m kind of finding myself easing into all of this day by day. Like I”m growing up, finally. I’m maturing. I’m becoming who I am.

I mean I had anxiety in both instances. Mostly in the second instance because no one was there with me. But I made it through. I made it through? Agh I did!

Future, here I come?

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feelings 1:12 a.m.

I don’t like this feeling.

I don’t want to feel it.

And the worst part about the feeling? I know that I’m going to keep feeling it.

I don’t like talking to some of my friends about it. Becuase it feels like I’m being “overdramatic.”

Am I?

Am I just taking things out of proportion?

Would you feel the same way if… I don’t know how to give this story without context. But I don’t want to give context because I’m just so exhausted, not only over this issue but the fact that it’s the same damn person every single time. It’s the same person who makes me feel like shit.

I don’t think it even really matters what happened but more so how I keep letting it happen.

I keep forgiving Phoenix for everything he puts me through. And not because he deserves it or solely because I have feelings for him. But because I feel like my emotions aren’t valid.

I mean if I thought of him as a friend would I still be hurt over everything he’s done to me? I’m not actually sure. I feel like I would still be hurt but not as much.

But the problem is, he keeps hurting me. And I keep letting him.

Whenever I find a reason to be mad at him, it never sticks around. It’s an excessive disturbing cycle. I get mad, I might rant to some of my friends, I think of all the crap he’s put me through, I “think” I’m ready to hurt him as much as he’s hurt me, and then… he talks to me and I submit. All it takes is one mere act of him sending me a message and maybe at first, I’m like “You’re a piece of crap.” But eventually, he warms up to my heart again and the cycle restarts itself.

I’m tired.

I know I can never stay mad at him. But I should. Because he keeps treating me like I don’t have feelings. Just the other week I told him that he hurt my feelings (kind of in a joking way but also in a serious way) and he made it into this game and told me to “toughen up.” He’ll never take anything seriously. He thinks all my feelings and emotions are a game.

Whenever he tells me a lie, he never feels bad. He never thinks twice about hurting me.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

Word of advice? If someone has treated you like shit in the past, they’ll keep treating you like shit.

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Fake Friends and Forgiveness

So this might not be like a new experience story because of course, I see some of my old fake “friends” all the time.

And my interaction with her isn’t haunting me and I’m not overthinking it. I actually considered not writing about this because it’s not really a big deal to me and I don’t want to make it bigger than it actually is.

It’s not the interaction itself but how I reacted in the mere second I saw her.

I feel like you should have some background on this fake friend. We became friends freshmen year and I actually thought she would stick around for a while. Of course, our relationship wasn’t perfect no relationship ever is. But I never thought that there would be months that we wouldn’t talk to each other or instances where we see each other in school and act like we weren’t close. Or at least she acts like we weren’t close.

But honestly, it’s not like she was an amazing friend to me. In my sophomore year, (my current worst year in high school) I sat with her at lunch because my best friend didn’t have the same lunch period as me and I was still kind of a newbie to high school so I didn’t really have any other friends. There were days where it was shocking when she came to lunch or she told me where she was at lunch. She just left me some days to sit at a table alone. One of these instances involved her sister seeing me and telling her that I was alone which then made her call me near the end of lunch and tell me that she was in the library. She never even told me she was in the library in the first place, only after her sister saw me alone. A pity call.

That was literally the worst period of my life. I thought I wasn’t worth enough to even be accompanied at lunch.

But our friendship kept going (on snapchat) because I tend to forgive and forget. But then she started hanging out with other people and finding her “real” friends. It always felt weird seeing her snapchat stories of her having fun and doing so many things while I sat at home with anxiety. It didn’t feel weird it felt like crap. But to see her with all those friends?

What was so wrong with me? Why did she want to throw me away like I was a useless piece of garbage?

In December, I don’t remember who talked first but it happened and the conversation lasted for days. I tried hard to talk to her even in times when I could feel that she didn’t want to talk to me. Even in times when her replies shouldn’t have deserved anything more. But I didn’t want to just leave her on read and let whatever our friendship was to come to a definite stop. It was honestly nice to talk to her again. It felt like old times.

But it didn’t last.

Nowadays, I barely think of her (except of course when I’m checking that dumb, needy app) but that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt. I even find myself not being able to look at her story because of my hurt feelings.

Back to the present. I see her when I go to my fifth period out of nowhere. I can’t really avoid her or pretend I didn’t see her because the hallway is pretty empty and she already caught my eye. She smiles and seems excited and opens her arms for a hug. I don’t really know what

I don’t really know what happened in that moment. When I hugged her, it didn’t seem fake on my part. When I smiled at her, it felt fake at first and then it felt genuine. Then she said a joke about my smallness and I retorted back a joke.

I tried to be hurt. I tried to be fake. But it didn’t work. I was real. My smile didn’t feel fake.

Maybe it’s because everything happened in seconds and it wasn’t even a long interaction, but how I reacted is bothering me.

I always forgive and forget so easily.

I forgave and forget all the crap that Phoenix has put me through, but that’s partially because I have feelings for him so I can’t really allow him into the circle.

But why do I always forgive and forget? Even if that person doesn’t deserve forgiveness?

After that interaction, neither one of us is going to reach out to the other. So why did I feel the need to be genuine with her?

Why wasn’t I able to give her a fake smile? Why wasn’t I able to give her a fake hug? I mean I know I’m capable of it. I always fake smile whenever a family relative criticizes my weight (like it’s any of their business).

Is it weird that I want to be fake? It’s not really that I want to be fake but the fact that in literally a mere second I was able to forgive someone who made me feel like crap is bothering me. I was able to forgive someone who I wasted so much of my time and energy on. I was able to forgive someone who made me question my self-worth.

And I don’t like that.

Because there have been instances where all I do is forgive people… no there haven’t been instances— it’s my whole life. It’s my life where all I do is forgive people for hurting me.

Why?

Because I don’t want to make it into this big thing. I don’t want to be “overdramatic.” I don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable. I mean our thoughts are way way way deeper than life actually is. If life was tv, our thoughts would be a soap-opera drama while our real lives would be a comedy. I don’t want to make the situation worse than it actually is.

I don’t really feel like my feelings are acceptable. Yes, it would be worse if I held onto most things and had grudges.

But I don’t want to keep getting hurt. I don’t want to keep forgiving someone so much to a point where I’m losing a piece of myself. If I keep forgiving people who don’t deserve to be forgiven for what they did to me, what does that make me?

A good, forgiving person who had the company of someone who saw me as “not enough.”

Because even if I’m the one who keeps forgiving. The other person is still the one who is 100% unfazed of hurting me. They are still the person who has lost nothing. They are the person who “got rid of garbage.”

I know this from experience: If I keep forgiving and forgiving one person all they’re going to keep doing is continually hurt me. I can’t let that into my life. I don’t want to.

Honestly, I’m doing that right now where I’m constantly forgiving someone who continually makes my mind hurt from all the overthinking. And it sucks.

It’s really not fair when it comes to fake friends and just fake people in general. You give them literally your all and all they can give you is nothing but pain and hurt and a piece of your heart missing.

It’s funny. You would think that once a fake person is out of your life everything is great: the sky is clearer and your headspace is better. But in a sense, it’s worse. Because whether you want to admit it or not— they took a piece of you. A piece that took you a long time to make.

A piece that you can never get back.

You try so hard. Some days, you might even fool yourself that it’s okay and you’ve forgotten all about the person and all they’ve done to you. But all it can take is one mere second for you to realize that it’s not okay.

And in that second you should realize: Yes, my feelings do matter. Yes, I am worth it but they are not worth my time. Yes, they did take a piece of me but I got a lesson from them.

Be honest with yourself. Use your feelings. I know, trust me, I know that there are times when you don’t want to be open and vulnerable with someone. Or you might not want to make something into a big deal.

But it’s better talking about it and forgiving the person because you’ve talked about it instead of forgiving the issue yourself because you feel bad for having feelings.

You’re human. Don’t bully yourself because you are and the other person tends to forget that. Things hurt you, things that the other person might not see as hurtful. But that doesn’t make it okay.

Things hurt you, things that the other person might not see as hurtful. But that doesn’t make it okay.

No one will ever know you better than yourself and if someone is hurting you and you’re questioning if that hurt is “acceptable,” it is. Only you know all you’ve been through. You’re feeling that way because of the past and you don’t want whatever’s haunting you to come true (maybe for the first time or to come true again). The other person doesn’t know all you’ve been through. All the anger, sadness, and pain.

You’ve been through a lot and don’t take away all that development away to just shun your feelings in the end. They are 100% acceptable and will always be.

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all it takes is a day for things to happen.

I met you again on a Monday.

It was a weird day for me.

It was confirmed that we had four classes together that semester on a Tuesday.

Purely coincidental, right?

I realized that I started harboring feelings for you on a Saturday.

Was it only because I wanted to get over someone?

You remembered me on a Friday.

It was weird for us to be talking again for the first time in 2 years.

You smiled at me for the first time on a Friday.

We had Spanish presentations that day.

You said “Hello” to me on a Friday.

And that’s the moment I knew I was in for a long ride.

I saw you with your girlfriend outside the door of our first period class on a Tuesday.

And my heart broke in a way I didn’t ever want to feel again (but still keep feeling).

I told my other best friend that I like you on a Sunday.

I guess that’s when it became real.

I had to sit next to you in class on a Thursday.

Because the seat next to my best friend was taken.

I gave you the binder that you left in class on a Thursday.

But I never told you it was me.

I liked having a conversation with you on a Thursday.

It was awkward for me at first but you were still the same nice person from freshman year.

You moved to the right in the front of the room for me so that I could be able to stand next to you and see (because I’m short) on a Friday.

And I still don’t know what made you do that.

I realized you started bringing me happiness on a Tuesday.

And I vented to my best friend about how you would never break up with your girlfriend and it was hopeless.

You told me not to give up on a project on a Thursday.

So I didn’t.

I realized I couldn’t do anything about my feelings on a Tuesday.

Your smile and the way you looked at me didn’t help.

I found out that you broke up with your girlfriend on a Wednesday.

It was hard to believe, I didn’t think it would actually happen.

My friend told me to get your number on a Saturday.

And I thought how would that ever happen.

You accidentally bumped into me on a Thursday.

And it was hilarious because you felt so bad and thought you had crushed me.

I figured out our friendship was platonic on a Thursday.

And it hurt me.

I realized I didn’t want to lose your friendship on a Friday.

So I held on, even with my feelings, because of who you were.

Our Spanish teacher assigned your seat right in front of me on a Friday.

And I knew life was laughing at me somewhere.

You smiled at me for the hundredth (I didn’t actually count) time on a Thursday.

That’s when I realized that could be the one thing that could kill me.

Your ex-girlfriend got yelled at by her friends for not wearing her jacket on a Thursday.

She didn’t have it because you had it and my heart broke for the ______ time.

I listened to sad music and created a playlist on Spotify on a Thursday.

Because it hurt so damn much.

I had to avoid you and be abrupt with your questions in Photography class on a Friday.

But I had to ask you for help in that class and you cared.

We had a full conversation in class on a Friday.

It helped but I was very confused.

I got your snapchat on a Friday.

But only because my best friend wanted the pictures of the Spanish packet that you discreetly took on your phone.

I messaged you first on a Saturday.

That’s when our first text conversation began.

You made fun of how I almost fell off the hill on a Friday.

And I wanted to make you fall.

You stopped our conversation and left my side to go talk to her on a Friday.

Of course, why would you keep talking to me?

You asked me if I had depression on a Wednesday.

I told you the truth about my anxiety and knew that this wouldn’t be an easy crush.

I opened up about my anxiety to you on a Saturday.

And it was weird for me.

You told me you were interested in who I was on a Sunday.

And if my anxiety was convincing me that I was bothering you- you wouldn’t be doing your job as a good friend.

I found out we had no classes together in second semester on a Monday.

I felt my heart drop and questioned life’s intentions.

I told you that I was upset about it on a Monday.

I can’t believe I was that comfortable with you to tell you that.

You told me you would never forget me and that we would still message each other on a Tuesday.

It made me feel better.

You got yelled at by her to hurry up on a Wednesday.

And one of my classmates/friends asked me if you were back together with her.

You sat next to me in class on a Thursday.

Because that would be our last class that we had together, but the 45 minutes went by too fast.

My best friend told you that I could sing on a Friday.

And you said you were gonna hear me sing one day or another.

The new semester began on a Monday.

It broke my heart not to see you every day in my classes.

I missed you especially in Spanish class on a Monday.

Because you made that class bearable.

I saw you on the staircase with your new haircut on a Tuesday.

And I yelled at you for not responding to my message.

I saw you walking with her on a Tuesday.

And I knew, for a fact, that you would never miss me as much as I miss you.

I asked you how you would feel if our friendship ended on a Thursday.

And you told me you would be sad, real sad.

I thought my anxiety messed up our friendship on a Monday.

Because I was overthinking the fact that you didn’t talk to me for a week because your messaging wasn’t working.

I realized that I was scared on a Monday.

I was scared to lose you.

I told one of my friends who’s also your friend that I liked you on a Monday.

And she told me that you never got back together with her, you were just best friends with her.

I thought you weren’t trying anymore in our friendship on a Friday.

Did you even want to hang out and see me?

I turned around to talk to my friend just so you wouldn’t talk to me on a Friday.

Because I needed to protect my heart.

You told me you had your college life planned out already on a Sunday.

And I was jealous because I didn’t even know where I would want to go to college.

You hugged me on a Monday.

And my heart wouldn’t stop palpitating for 10 minutes.

You told me my sarcasm makes you laugh on a Thursday.

I really was growing comfortable with you.

You told me that we should go to Ethiopia and India on a Monday.

But it was just for the conversation, right?

You told me we should text shorter to each other on a Friday.

So that we would be able to have time to talk more.

You told me you wanted to watch the school play with me on a Thursday.

But we both had conflicting schedules and I told you that there would be other opportunities for us to hang out.

I gave you a nickname on a Saturday.

And you were already finding ideas for mine.

I told you that fake people don’t know the real me and think I’m quiet on a Saturday.

You told me that must mean I’m comfortable with you and we’re comfortable with each other.

You gave me a nickname on Sunday.

And we figured out that we had a lot in common, like finding puns hilarious.

You told me that instead of planning to go to the play we should’ve gone to see a beautiful sunset on a Monday.

I told you I want to escape from the city and see the stars and you agreed that that should be our goal for the semester/summer.

You gave me candy on a Monday.

I have horrible eye-to-hand coordination so you had to throw it into the hoodie of my jacket.

I saw you on the staircase and you stopped me from going to lunch to have a short conversation on a Monday.

You asked me if I wanted to hang out with you over spring break, making you late to class.

You told me that whenever we see each other briefly at school and have our little talks away from texting it makes your day on a Monday.

You really aren’t helping me.

You told me you felt bad because you went to Chipotle and couldn’t buy me anything because you didn’t have enough cash on a Monday.

Did you really think of me or were you just saying that?

I told you I had a crappy day and you told me that you hope my smile is saved for Tuesday.

In a platonic way, right?

You told me you drove illegally to Chipotle on a Wednesday.

You’re such a bad influence and I thought I had to make sure to give you a bit of my good influence.

You told me you were sad that you didn’t see me on the last day of school before spring break on a Friday.

You claimed that you would pick me up and I told you I was not looking forward to being thrown like a football.

I replied to you shortly while I was in my dark hole on a Monday.

I had a little hope that you would ask me what’s wrong but thought it was just another one of my mind’s impossible realities.

You asked me what’s wrong on a Monday.

I dropped my phone; you weren’t actually supposed to make my mind’s fantasies to come true.

You told me you had to make sure that I knew that you cared on a Wednesday.

And that you would be there when I was ready to open up to you. Liar.

I messaged you my childhood pictures because you wanted to see them on a Thursday.

You thought I was so cute and I asked for your childhood pictures too.

I went into my dark hole again and I opened up to you on a Friday.

My mistake for actually thinking that you would be there and you actually cared.

You read my message without a reply on a Saturday.

And I ruined myself waiting for you to reply because I was vulnerable.

You sent me a message the night before school on a Monday.

I didn’t open it because I was a pissed you left me hanging for two days.

I opened your message on a Wednesday.

And it had nothing to do with me opening up to you.

I told people I could trust how you responded to me opening up to you on a Thursday.

And they told me I deserve better and to move on.

I blamed myself for the whole thing on a Friday.

Because if I didn’t open up to you we would still be talking like we normally do.

I asked my friend if I should be upfront with you about the whole thing on a Saturday.

She told me not to bring it up and to just start a new conversation, so I did.

I started a new conversation on a Saturday.

And I wonder if I didn’t start a new conversation, would you have even cared? Did it even phase you that we hadn’t talked for 3 days?

My friend told me that if you hurt me again she would fight you on a Saturday.

I trusted that you wouldn’t because I knew who you were. I was wrong. I don’t know who you are anymore.

We had a conversation on a Sunday.

But it felt weird, you weren’t responding like you used to.

I opened a message of yours on a Monday.

And you put no effort into replying to what I had to say. Your paragraphs turned into uninterested short sentences.

I cried because of you on a Monday.

Because did I ruin us? Or was I fool for thinking that you actually cared about me?

You opened my message on a Monday.

And you didn’t reply, nothing new.

You replied to me on a Wednesday.

It took you two days to give me your two-second, half-assed reply.

My friends saw you with her on a Wednesday.

I thought why am I even trying anymore when you don’t care.

I saw you on a Thursday.

But how could you expect me to look directly into your eyes? I couldn’t. I had to leave fast.

I overthink about you every day.

Nothing has or will ever change that.

It’s funny how so much can happen in a mere day.

How a friendship can be made.

How feelings can be developed.

But also, how everything can come crashing down.

I’m writing this about the two of us on a Saturday.

Is it the end of us? Was there ever an us?

«Music Saturday»

Rockabye by Clean Bandit ft. Sean Paul & Anne-Marie 

Runnin’ Home to You by Grant Gustin 

No Promises by Cheat Codes ft. Demi Lovato

If This is Love by Ruth B

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