anxiety doesn’t stop with family.

Another event I didn’t know of.

This past Saturday there was another planned family event that no one told me about. It was my uncle’s engagement party. But he’s not that old he’s only 28 or near that age.

When my dad told me about the party I kind of didn’t want to go. I love my family but I’m always the odd one out and I never feel like I fit in because all of my cousins are older and I never know what to say to them. Anxiety doesn’t stop with family…

Actually, this is the environment I got my “shy” label from. This side of the family always saw me as quiet. But I was only like 7 when they gave me a label, they never even gave me a chance. Now, that label is over my head whenever they see me.

This is one of the reasons I didn’t wanna go. They never give me a chance. And I’m always gonna be a shy, little girl in their eyes.

As I said before, I love my family, but this was one of the worst nights of my life. I had SO much anxiety. I felt so uncomfortable and out of place. I felt like a stranger in my own family.

An actual stranger. One of my aunts had a baby that I didn’t even know about. And the uncle who was getting engaged? He has a brother and his brother is already married and has a kid. I didn’t even know this.

I thought the idea that no one told me anything was me being a lil dramatic but no. No one really tells me anything.

My anxiety was so off the charts, I don’t know how I didn’t break in the middle of the party. The only thing I ever did was sit at a table and conversate with some aunts and uncles who sat at the table but not much.

Maybe you’re wondering how I could just sit at a table while I was in a room of my extended family. I don’t know either. My anxiety is just… I don’t know. I honestly don’t understand how people can socialize. I had no idea what to say to anyone, what was I gonna talk about with people? I don’t know how to go up to someone and start a conversation. What would I even say to my middle-aged cousins? I don’t see my extended family that much, only at holidays… so I’m not really close to anyone. I didn’t know what to say.

It even feels weird typing it because honestly… What the hell is wrong with me? How can I not socialize with my own family?

I don’t know. How many times am I going to say that?

I just felt so out of the equation.

The uncle who was getting engaged? He came up from behind me and instead of a “Hi” or greeting or whatever he said, “Hey, instead of no-cializing, can you do me a favor? Can you take a picture?”

It was horrible. I knew I didn’t belong there. Even though my blood technically belonged there (because blood relatives) my body and my being were not meant to be there.

I remember I saw one of my cousins and she said “Hi” but the way she said it… she didn’t even say my family pet name or any name at all. She just said hi like I was a customer who walked into a store. And this cousin has known me since the moment I was born.

I always thought when I grew up with these great, at the moment, people around me they would be there to comfort me, to teach me things, to be a phone call away. When I was young, they paid attention. They cared more. But now that I’m a teenager? They don’t really care at all.

Or maybe that’s not true.

I think there might be some repressed memories I’m choosing to forget.

Because there’s one memory I remember that broke my heart back then and breaks it now.

It was Christmas and I was like prepubescent young maybe 8 or 9. Everyone gathered to take pictures: the young people of the family cousins, young uncles and aunts. And you know everyone was gathered to take the picture and everyone was standing and posing and then one uncle is like “Wait you guys forgot about Sisy!” (my pet name, short for sister. My bro gave it to me) It was the worst feeling in the world. I was literally forgotten and I was sitting right there. And then I got in the picture but it was like a pity picture.

And you know? They did that same exact thing the other day.

All the female cousins were gathered to take a picture. At first, I didn’t realize they were taking a picture then an aunt tapped me on the shoulder and enthusiastically said: “Sisy, go get in the picture!” But this aunt was the only one who noticed, none of the people posing for the picture could’ve cared less. And my aunt (the same one who told me to get in the picture) I think she felt a little bad for me because no one asked me to get in. But like I said before, no one posing cared less. So my aunt had to make the excuse that “Oh you’re not the cousin, right?” (in a nice, sympathetic way, I love this aunt) Because technically my mom was the cousin (she wasn’t in the picture either).

They did it to me in the past, they did it now. 

As soon as we left, I got in the car and cried silent tears because this is my life. I didn’t fit in when I was a kid, I didn’t fit in now.

I don’t understand. Sometimes I don’t understand why I’m still here. How I’m still here. I can never picture myself not having anxiety, in general, but also with this family. How am I going to act when I get married or something? Will my husband’s family even like me? How can I even be okay with the term “extended family” when I’m as anxious as I am?

I know I’m reaching wayyy into the future. I’m only seventeen. But this is what I think about. I can’t see myself changing.

I can’t see things changing for me.

Do you ever wonder if your family really loves you or if it’s just forced? I know my mom, dad, and (let’s be honest, sometimes) my brother loves me. But what about those who don’t know anything about me and vice versa? The ones who have drifted apart with time and hardships?

Does their love come from the heart? Or does it come from the blood?

Do they even like seeing me?

What is wrong with me? Why doesn’t anxiety stop with family?

The only difference from the past and the present is the knowledge of my anxiety. When I used to feel uncomfortable like this, I never knew what it was. But the worst part is, my family doesn’t know what it is.

They think I’m just like this because I’m a teenager with angst and unsociable means. When literally the idea of social interaction makes me feel physically, emotionally, and mentally uncomfortable.

Trust me, knowing that I have anxiety has made my life make more sense. But it has not made anything easier.

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boy rant: i am not a convinience.

What can I say?

How do I say it?

Life happened.

The universe wants to kick me around.

The book doesn’t want this chapter to end.

I don’t know.

All I know is that seeing him after a month of not talking to him affected me.

And a lot has happened in 2 and a half weeks.

Do you want me to catch you up?

Ok hold on because this is a damn rollercoaster ride… but I assure you, it will be over soon.

Yes, this is about Phoenix. Honestly, what isn’t nowadays?

Let’s begin.

It’s the second day of school. I didn’t see him at all on the first day. Honestly? I felt sad about that because I wanted to see him. I wanted him to see me. There was even a part of me that wanted him in one of my classes… and guess what? That actually happened.

But sometimes the things you want aren’t actually what you need.

He was in my precalculus class. This is second period. But it was the first period of the second day because our school alternates periods. When he walked in… it was like everything inside of me froze. I didn’t really realize what was happening until it was happening that yes… he was actually sitting there. And guess where he sat? Two head spaces in front of me. I didn’t want him to know I was there but then again I did. I don’t know… he turned around once to look at everyone and it’s weird because if he saw me he would’ve said something, the class was kinda small. I don’t really know what happened but I’m glad he didn’t say anything that day.

One of my friends was in that class but I didn’t sit next to her because the seat next to her was taken. But at the end of class, she saw me and we had a conversation which saved me from any confrontation from him. Thank goodness. But of course, my overthinking was all over the place because I would have a class with him for the rest of the semester.

Then the next time we had precalculus, I sat next to my friend. And another one of my friends was there and she was sitting in front. So it was nice to have the two of them there. He came in late and he hardly ever turned around. But apparently our school had a fire drill, but our classroom was in this portable away from the school because there are too many students in our school. We never heard the fire drill sound. The sound was supposed to come over the intercom that was connected to the portable but it never sounded. So our teacher had our own “class” fire drill. He called everyone’s names and when the teacher called my name… Phoenix turned around to look at me. But I just avoided his look and talked to my friend. But it didn’t last forever. In order to get out the portable, to walk to the field for the “fire drill” I had to walk past him because his seat was in the direction of the door. And I don’t know why, but he didn’t leave. All the people in his row left, but he just kept standing behind his desk. So it would’ve been very awkward to just pass by him. So when I walked to the door I turned and looked at him and he was smiling at me. I see that he was ready to say something to me, he would’ve probably said something about me not saying anything to him because it looked like he was ready to joke around with me. But I wasn’t having it. I just “smiled” back at him and left to the field. Then at the end of class, he said, “See you next class” with a smile. I don’t know why I was expecting him to say more or anything. Maybe we could walk back to school together? No.

I expected too much when I was head over heels for him, I expected too much now. 

But it pissed me off. We hadn’t talked for a month. A month. And he doesn’t know that anything is wrong? Did he even notice I’ve been gone and haven’t been talking to him? Did he even care? No. Because every day of that month I waited. I waited for some indication that he cared and there was none. None. Nothing. So what now? Is he just supposed to care now? Now that I’m in his class and we see each other? How can someone be so oblivious? But of course, I knew he wouldn’t think twice about my reactions: I never even said a word to him… I just smiled. He would just think I’m being “shy.”

The weekend goes by and our next class together is Tuesday. Unbeknownst to him but knownst (? Lol) to me. Because I got a schedule change.

Trust me, his presence was affecting me but I didn’t switch my schedule because of him… but it’s a damn good factor. I took a single period of AP Biology instead of a double period and it turned out to be a big NO. Single period AP Bio is mostly individual work. The teacher never even started class until 10 minutes in. You do most of the teaching to yourself. So I was like “Nope I’m out” because I always procrastinate. I literally studied the first chapter all in one night. So I had to go to my counselor to get a schedule change. The only available periods were 1 and 2, or 3 and 4. I already didn’t like my 1st period, chorus, because I have no friends and the friend I do have had sooo many friends. Plus I can’t even hear myself singing in chorus and I don’t think singing in a group is for me. I didn’t care about my 3rd period either way. But my 4th period… one of my real friends was in that class and I didn’t wanna lose her. So it was either losing her or losing him. I didn’t think twice about it. Okay, I did because of my overthinking… but it wasn’t a hard decision. Also, the friend in my 4th period… let’s call her Lyra, was also in that period 1 and 2 class. And my best friend told me that Phoenix was n her double AP Bio class for periods 3 and 4 so again it was between Lyra or Phoenix.

I ended up switching to 1 and 2 AP Bio meaning I wouldn’t see him anymore because the class period we had together was during 2nd period.

I questioned life at this point. Like really? What even was the point of that? Was he just in my class for it to be taken away? OR did that whole thing happen for me to want to see him and then WANT to have that opportunity be taken away? I don’t know. Either way, it was going to be my last class with him.

To be honest? I was prepared. I wanted to not see him anymore. Because I knew that I would be nice to him and forgive him along the way and I knew I wasn’t okay with that.

It was a Tuesday. He came in late again. Nothing really happened. But at the end of class, he again took a long time to pack up and leave and remember how the door was near him? Yeah. So I had to pass by him. I even parted my hair to the side to avoid his eye contact… lol I know, it was a dumb move. He said “Hi Rebecca” and this literally broke my heart. Not because of what you think. He smiled. The smile I fell for. And I smiled back. But that’s what broke me. My smile. My own smile broke me. Because I knew deep down it hurt to smile back at him. I knew it wasn’t a real smile. I could see he was going to say more but I had to leave. So I just turned, smiled, and left. It broke my heart, yes, but switching my schedule comforted me. Because all he was going to give me was a “hello.” And I needed more than a hello. The schedule change is what I needed.

But I guess he sensed something was wrong or something? Since I just smiled and left. Because later that night, he texted me.

I made a kik for one of my friends in order for her to talk to me. And I guess he still has my phone number even though I deleted his. Because kik can sync your contacts and the day I made one I see that someone added me. And I didn’t know how kik worked and I was curious who it was so I accepted the chat later realizing that it was him. But he didn’t talk to me the day I made it. So that Tuesday, I changed my profile picture and he sends me “You looking at the height requirement for the rollercoaster ride?” He always makes jokes about my height. I don’t want to sound egotistical or anything but I looked GOOD in this picture lol. I didn’t want to say anything to him but the sass in me wouldn’t let that go. So I said, talking about his profile picture, “You stuck in a maze trying to find good jokes?” Because the picture he had showed the back side of his body (that’s why I didn’t really recognize him when he added me) walking who knows where and it looked like a maze.

Afterwards, I decided my responses would be distant. I just couldn’t let him make fun of my height without coming for his life. Then he says a string of short jokes and I just say “Ok.” This is where things turn frustrating. He then asks me “Are you upset?” But he was only talking about the short jokes not like he cares about my real life. I tell him “Because of your short jokes? Lol no.” And he says “Good. You’ve grown!” And I tell him “Your jokes have to be good for them to hurt.”

And then all of a sudden he switches up the conversation? He then asks me “How’s school?” Where is he going with this? Since when does he care? He doesn’t. I just say stressful. He asks me what’s stressful about it and I just say “It’s school, everything’s stressful.” This is the day we had the same class together. Because neither of us responds in 10 minutes or less. I would, but he doesn’t deserve that. So our conversation spread out over a few days.

Honestly, I didn’t think he would notice I wasn’t in class because he doesn’t turn around. But he asked me, “Did you miss school or did you skip?” I tell him, “No I had a schedule change.”I think the teacher called out my name in class because my friend from the class told me that the teacher “missed me” and was like “Where’s Rebecca?” lol. Phoenix asks me “Was my presence that unwelcoming?” And I said “Yep, very”

The other day I saw him in the hallway and this was during the texting. I try to avoid him but this was after the late bell rang so the hallways weren’t crowded. He says hi and I just look at him and smile. It’s so awkward. Because here I am texting him but I’m not able to say anything to him in person. I don’t even like virtual him. But he won’t think twice about it because he loses focus.

I started to do that thing again. Back when I was used to him texting him daily and I would check my phone just to see if he texted me back yet. I DON’T EVEN WANT TO DO THAT. Because our conversation is literally nothing. But this time, whenever I turn on my phone to look at the time or anything my mind is always like, “Did he text back? Did he text back?” I just needed him to go away. But I know deep down, I didn’t want that.

Not having a class with him anymore was supposed to be the end. Why. Is. This. Damn. Chapter. Still. Going. On? 

I really hated giving him one-word replies. I thought that I would be able to handle it or control it but… nope. I lost my resolve. But that’s later in the story.

At this point, I don’t know if he still has a girlfriend. Or if he ever even got one in the summer. But it doesn’t matter if he does or doesn’t… he still broke my heart. The “girlfriend” was just the breaking point.

So our conversation on kik wasn’t anything. You know how I said I was starting to get used to him texting me back? Well the last thing I sent him was “Yep” and he hadn’t responded to it yet. Because believe it or not, he was replying faster than me. But a day passed and he still didn’t reply.

Then I see that he posted something on his snapchat story and he said, “Almost got pulled over today.” I really wanted to tell him “I told you so.” Because he drives without a permit sometimes and I told him not to. I didn’t really see responding to his story as a “bid deal.” But looking back, I shouldn’t have. But it hurt. It hurt again when he didn’t respond to my kik yet even though, what was he going to say to a simple yep?

I got caught in again.

I responded to his story saying, “Almost should be deleted.” Apparently, his story was apart of this game like “You shouldn’t have responded to my story now you’re in the game and you have to put one of these on your story…” It gave a list of options from 1 to 10. For example, 1 was “I got pulled over.” 2 was “I broke up with him/her.” Etc. I didn’t do it because it’s really dumb. I told him I like 6 (“I’m gonna fight him tomorrow”) and 8 (“I’m so done with him”). He says, “Did I ask you what your favorite number was or something?” That really pissed me off. Because really? I don’t care if you don’t wanna hear it, I’m gonna say what I want. So I say, “Do I care whether you asked or not? I’ll say what I want.”

We have like three conversations at once but they were short. I didn’t want to say too much. After a text back he says, “I’m in the middle of your two favorite numbers.” In between 6 and 8 is 7, right? We got our math straight, right? Lol. So I looked up and saw what 7 was and it said, “We’re finally dating.” Of course, I didn’t think anything of this but my heart did. But my heart knew deep down that he meant nothing out of that. He just said it to say it and that pissed me off knowing that he can just play with my feelings not even caring that it actually has an effect. To that, I say, “Your ego is too big. You would be dating yourself.” He said, “I am dating myself. I didn’t find anyone compatible.” That. Hurt. 

He didn’t find anyone compatible? What about for the past few months and what we had? I literally listened to him and was there for him when I let him rant for one hour about a fake friend. I opened up to him and he did the same and so many other things and he says he couldn’t find anyone compatible? But I put down the hurt in the moment.

I didn’t tell any of my friends about him texting me again because honestly? Our conversation wasn’t really anything. Only one of my friends knew. Then I told Lyra who’s also friends with him. The same day I told her, she put me on her snapchat story and she told me he responded to the story about me. The next day on a Tuesday, she showed me the conversation. He asked her, “You two have the same class together?” He didn’t know I had a class with her when I switched. They had a short conversation then she brought the conversation back to me for some reason. She asked, “You still talk to her (me)?” Even though she already knew the answer. He says “Talk like what exactly?” She was like “Talk like friends? Unless you mean something else. Is there something else?” She sent him like four questions/messages about it but he only responded to one of the messages.

Up until this point, I was so mad at him that literally anything involving him made me mad and reminded of how he treated me during the summer. How he didn’t give two shits about me. And never showed me that he cared that I was gone or even noticed.

But this momemt changes that all: He sends Lyra “Nah she got somebody.” Meaning he thought I had somebody. But I have nobody. That was funny to me because helloooo it’s me. But I. Don’t. Know. Why. This gave my heart hope. Maybe because he didn’t say “Nah I don’t see her in that way” but he didn’t say that he did either. He just thought I had someone.

But that day my heart was so hopeful and for a second I went back to Junior Rebecca finding hope in signs again. Does he like me? Lyra assured him that I had no one and he said, “Lmao what are you the love doctor or something?” And is it weird that after he got those messages from Lyra he responded to my messages that I thought he would leave on read?

My heart was all over the place and I don’t know why. All he talks about are short jokes. All the damn time. I don’t mind short jokes but for that to be all that’s left? Then he said “Your height hurts me.” I asked him why. He says, “Your words never match up to your height” because I’m sassy all the time I guess. So I say “Idk maybe if you stop coming for my height I would be nice to you.” He asks, “So if I’m nice you’ll be nice?” I say, “Idk. We’ll see.”

And then he reverted back to the good morning’s and the how’d you sleep? He sent this at 6 am so he just woke up or something. THIS is the “him” I fell for. The him I wanted back. The one I’ve been waiting for. But… it doesn’t seem real. I don’t know why. It is real, but it isn’t. I told one of my friends this, it’s like a daydream when you know everything’s not real but you don’t care either way. But really, what’s happening? The past is legit repeating itself. How can he just do that? Like nothing happened in the past month…? Well according to him nothing did happen.

But his tone is just different. He doesn’t sound like he used to when he said good morning. I asked him “Are you being fake?” and he said “No I wasn’t” But it just seems like it is. It’s like life is giving me the guy I want back but again he’s not.

One of my friends told me I can either do two things: Slowly stop talking to him gradually or tell him the truth. I can’t act like nothing’s happened and revert back to how things were last year. I don’t want the cycle to repeat itself because I KNOW he’s just going to do something that hurts me in the future. The future? Please, he’s hurting me now.

But I keep having this feeling where I can feel like the truth is gonna come out, sooner or later. I think I’m going to tell him the truth. Whether he cares or not. Because if I continue this conversation like nothing has happened I’m lying to myself telling her that I can handle it if we’re just friends. When I know that’s such a lie.

After our second hang out, I remember complaining to my friends about it telling them I’m so deep in the friendzone. Lyra was like, “Do you want to tell him?” But I know I didn’t want to tell him. Because I didn’t want to ruin such a good friendship and freak him out. But now? It’s like I already lost him. Freaking him out, I don’t even care if I do anymore. Because whoever that good friend was is gone.

Seeing him in person has definitely affected me. He’s still aesthetically pleasing to my eyes and whenever he smiles… it’s not the same feeling I used to drown in but it’s still something I get in my heart. But if I saw him for a long time, like when we were in the same class, all I could think towards him was “I hate you.” But if I see him in the hallway I would break. But I haven’t seen him at all in the past week so that’s good, right?

Him saying stuff like “I’m between your two favorite numbers” and “She got somebody” pulled me back in. That’s the kind of stuff that gave me hope in the impossible in the past and I can’t keep waiting around. I won’t. I’m not going to wait around hoping that one day he’s going to say he likes me. That’s not fair to myself.

I know if I let him in again (which I haven’t done yet) I’m gonna LET HIM IN and I can’t do that because he is 100% gonna hurt me.

I sort of made Lyra meddle into the whole situation. I thought her meddling would fix the problem and prove whether he likes me or not. But that isn’t fair to her to figure this bs out.

Even if she does meddle how do I know that, if he does like me, he only does because Lyra told him I have no one?

I don’t want him to like me because it’s convenient for him.

If he likes me he should tell me. Not say some stuff that sounds like he could possibly like me.

Lyra told me, “I think overall he’s just being playfully flirtatious. Which is what a lot of guys seem to do these days. And I don’t know why it took me so long to see it.” We both didn’t see it because we both thought he was being genuine. He just plays around flirtatiously with his friends. And that’s all that is to it.

I’m contemplating whether I should tell him the truth or not. And by this, I mean the whole truth. But being like he is, he opened my messages and left them on read and it’s been 24 hours. I don’t want to say he left me on read because sometimes I think he does that but he responds later. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want him to respond. Because once he does respond, things are going to change. Plus, if he doesn’t respond this just proves the person that he is. Always leaving me on read wondering what I did wrong like I even did something wrong. I didn’t. I never did. I was such a good friend to him. I tamped down my feelings because I cared about him. I cared about him. So much. I wished him happy birthday when he disregarded my messages. I let him go on and on about soccer and even said I would go to one of his games when I don’t even like sports. I would’ve done so much for him. I did do so much.

But he never did enough. And I deserve better.

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i miss him. sugar and salt.

I mean he’s still “here.”

I see him here and there. And I started talking to him again but not like I used to… I can’t talk to him like I used to because I know he only says lies.

So it would be a little weird to miss him if he’s “here” and he’s not like in some other country or leaving my messages on read in the summer (was that shade? Nope, it was the honest truth) right?

Wrong.

I miss him.

By this, I mean the him I fell for.

Not the him I know now.

Just a few months ago, he was different. It’s honestly like I’m talking to a different person… That’s what it feels like.

I know that there can be a lot of sides to a person, but him?

It was hard to know who I was talking to on a day. A jerk or the one I fell for.

Who’s the “him” I fell for?

The one who cared about my day and asked how I was doing. The one who would text me as soon as he woke up, I knew because the time stamp said 5am or 7am and would tell me “Good morning” or “Good afternoon.” The one who could tell something was wrong with me just because of a couple of words and actually cared enough to know what was wrong. It never felt forced.  The one who used to want to know about my secrets and my past. The one who wanted me to be happy and have a good day and if I didn’t, he would want to know what went wrong. The one who asked me about my anxiety and looked at me in a way nobody ever did.

The one that whenever something happened, he used to be one of the people or the only person I wanted to tell because I felt safe telling him and I knew he wouldn’t judge me.

Now all that’s left of him?

A jerk with a big ego always making jokes wanting to outmatch me.

He was always “outmatching” me before. I mean if he was sweet all the time? That would be too much sugar. The outmatching was balanced with the sweetness.

But over time, the sweetness went away and all that was left was salt. And if salt could be expired (in an alternate universe)… he would be like expired salt.

He doesn’t do any of the sweet stuff mentioned above anymore. All he does is “play games” coming for my shortness in jokes wanting me to come back at him with a joke. I don’t really mind this, but the fact that this is what’s left of us? It’s sad. It’s like his sweetness was a guest who didn’t want to stay for too long.

And when he does “care” it just seems so forced considering all the other crap he’s put my heart and me through. If you read the messages, it would be evident he doesn’t care or he doesn’t care like he used to.

i miss him.

i miss the him who did all the sweet things above.

i miss the one i fell for.

i wish to see him again someday.

but he might never show up again.

because he’s being taken over by another.

what changed? i don’t know.

why doesn’t he care anymore? i don’t know.

i don’t know what happened to him.

but can he tell that him that i miss him?

will that make him come back?

or is this who he really is?

who was “he” then?

did that “him” ever exist?

was he fake?

i don’t know.

all i know is that i miss him.

Whoever he was.

And as long as that him is gone,

I’m currently not falling for anyone.

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“so… you don’t talk and you don’t eat?”

And he thought this was funny…

So today my cousin had a housewarming party for the extended family and there were maybe 30 people who came.

I didn’t know about it until this very morning… but it was nice.

This past week was the third anniversary of my great-aunt’s death and her death really affected me. I never really understood the feeling of someone you love who’s gone until she died. Because before this, I was too young to understand. She had three daughters and two of the daughters and their families live in another city. I haven’t seen them in THREE YEARS, the same amount of time my great-aunt has been gone. I guess there were some bad ties between the family since the death… I don’t know no one tells me anything. (Let’s go back to the fact that I didn’t even know of this housewarming party until this morning) The whole “beef” (yes, beef. Lol I don’t know any other word that outmatches that) thing I guess created the distance in our whole extended family. But I guess everything is forgiven now?

Their kids though. Like when I last saw those kids, they were all so small… smaller than me. Now, they’re all tall and stuff. They even intimidated me. But my one cousin who is one of the ones I haven’t seen was really nice. He hugged me as soon as he walked in. TIME REALLY DOES CHANGE YOU. Most of those kids were unrecognizable. I still can’t put a face to the youngest sister because SHE’S ALL GROWN UP. My cousins were there and they hugged me and made small talk.

And the food. Yes, the food deserves its own section. Because I was hungry and I didn’t eat any breakfast between going to church and going to the party. It was a great feeling once it was time to eat.

I haven’t been with this same family (my mom’s side) since like December. It was nice. I’m not gonna lie, there were deep moments of anxiety (because no, it really doesn’t stop when you’re with loved ones) but it was a balance.

But something that made me feel horrible?

There was this Indian elder who I didn’t know. I don’t think he was a family member, maybe just a family friend.

So when I was getting food, he was behind me in the line. I. Was. Getting. Food. And he says “Do you usually not talk a lot?” I was getting food, man. Who and why would  I be talking when I’m getting food? And it’s not like he was starting a conversation with me, he came out of nowhere saying that to me. I didn’t even realize he was next to me until he said something. I’m thinking about my food, okay? I haven’t eaten anything all day. Please, leave me alone.

I agreed, saying I don’t talk a lot. Because I don’t, I guess. Hi, social anxiety. He laughed at that? I didn’t find it funny.

Then I’m eating my food and everyone’s outside on the porch. I didn’t even realize I was sitting next to the same person… I was too mesmerized by the food. Then as this elder gets up to throw away his food he says, and I quote,

“So… you don’t talk and you don’t eat?”

Excuse me?

He was literally sitting next to me, could have been watching the food transport from mah fork to mah mouth. And he thinks it’s his place to say that? Did. You. Not. See. Me. Put. The. Food. In. My. Mouth? Since he was commenting on it, he should have seen it. AND when he sad that my plate was halfway empty/full (is the cup half full or empty? hmm) BUT I WAS STILL EATING. 

And trust me, I have been bothered with these fucking stereotypes and generalizations all my damn life.

I get it, I’m quiet. I know why now, right? And when I was younger, I was as skinny as a twig, but I don’t look that way anymore. I like my body now. Finally.

But as a kid, these two things were always brought up in conversation with my extended family. No, they didn’t wanna talk about school, life, my damn well-being. They wanted to know why I was so skinny.

There were times I didn’t even want to go out to these family parties because I didn’t want to be looked at like a label anymore. That’s how much it affected and wrecked me.

This is “regular” for Indians. I’m not sure about other families… but for Indians, they’re all up in your business and they don’t care if they hurt you or not. They say what’s on their mind without thinking twice about it. Without thinking that saying stuff like that actually hurts.

Like I don’t already look in the mirror trying to find beauty in my petite stature which never seems to change no matter how much I eat.

Or I don’t already silently die inside anytime my anxiety comes into play and social interaction makes me feel physically, emotionally, and mentally uncomfortable.

What did I do when he said that?

As soon as he said “So” I knew it was going to make me mad.

As soon as he said what he said I didn’t smile or laugh I just looked down and he laughed. I did not laugh at all. I didn’t find it funny. It wasn’t. I don’t get what he found funny the first time or second. Usually, I just have to brush it aside when it comes to stuff like this because why would I want to make a scene in front of everyone? I wouldn’t. But as soon as he said that I wanted to retaliate. I wanted to say “Did you not see me eat?” or “That’s really not funny.” Or I wanted someone to hear him and not think it’s okay. But I knew that if someone heard it they wouldn’t stand up for me, they would just agree with him.

Trust me, I don’t like talking about adults like this. But he crossed a line. A line I thought I was over.

It took me a long time to accept myself for who I am. To actually look in the mirror and love myself. Because I KNEW no one would completely stop making comments about my weight or “quietness.” Knowing that I had to accept myself and move on stronger.

So far, so good. It hasn’t been a problem for a few years. But there are moments when times like these are like old triggers and I go back to the little girl I was.

So confused as to why being quiet was seen as weird and why everyone was talking about my weight.

And I can never stand up for myself because if I did I would be seen as the “child” who doesn’t know any better. Plus, I would probably cry making my point.

It’s just not fair. Why do they always have to pick on me like I need a label?

Do I have to apologize for the person I am? No.

I eat. I am healthy. I love food, in fact, it’s on my list of loves.

I talk. With people I like/love and can vibe with. If I don’t then I’m in my thoughts, is that so bad? I don’t like talking in crowds.

What. Is. So. Wrong. With. That?

But the thing that bothers me the most is that this man didn’t know me for more than 10 seconds. Yet, he took out 2 of my worst labels that I’ve struggled with in those 10 seconds and brought me back to the pain of labels. Back to that scared little girl who thought in order for the labels to stop she had to fit their “image” of self-acceptance and not her own.

And I can never be “chill” about that.

How is it okay for someone, even an adult, to ask that? I have no idea.

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honestly… i’m movin’ on

Maybe I should be honest with you guys, right?

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been frequently posting on my blog (please don’t check my “July 2017” archives lol I don’t even know what happened…) and going to my blog as a security blanket.

I mean, there were times where I always went to this blog as a security blanket but, for a while, that feeling went away and instead of venting to my blog I found other ways to let out my emotions.

But I missed blogging. I missed writing.

Anyway, this isn’t about blogging. This is about what happened so hopefully I can move on from it.

There’s a huge, major reason that I came back to my blog. It wasn’t only because I missed blogging/writing. It was because something happened and I needed to vent. My other sources that I usually used to vent weren’t enough… because what happened was something that couldn’t take a few days or even weeks to recover from.

And I haven’t hidden what that “thing that happened” was. I’ve actually been very vocal about it. It has been a major part of my blog in the past few weeks since I’ve been more active.

I think you all know the thing that happened and who it involves… I mean you can all say it with me: It was and is about Phoenix. (Ohkayy 7 letters. That’s very creepy. It’s weird because the 7 letter name thing is something I’ve never noticed. His real name has 7 letters. My name has 7 letters. The past 2 guys I’ve had crushes on have 7 letters in their name… I overthink too much lol anywayyy)

Wait! Before you click out of this post… because I know the majority of my posts have been about him. This isn’t gonna be another vague post.

I’m not going to apologize for talking about him excessively. Because I need to vent my feelings here and there.

I want to apologize for never being honest. 

The thing that happened with him at the start of August… I’ve never talked about it. I’ve never talked about it in context. I haven’t been able to talk to you guys about it. Even though I made posts and poems and all that… I’ve been talking to him through my blog but never to you guys.

I’ve been using the “you” pronoun concerning my posts about him, instead of the “him” pronoun. Yes, it does help me when it feels like I directly talked to him. But it’s like I’m excluding you guys. I know some of you might not care what happened. But as this blog has grown I’ve always shared stories with everyone here and that’s what has made the connection personal. But if I keep talking to him, it’s like I’m losing my relationship with all the lovely people who read my material… in a sense? Does that make sense? I don’t know. I just want to be honest with what happened.

And up until this point, I didn’t want to be honest with you guys about what happened or say directly what happened… because I didn’t want it to actually be real. I thought if I didn’t state what happened or say it with full context and detail then what happened with Phoenix would be a lie. Instead, I told you guys that him and I “aren’t on good terms.” But that’s not even the half of it.

I realized it’s not helping me dancing around what actually happened. What happened is real. And I haven’t been facing it. I haven’t been talking about it. I haven’t been honest with even myself.

So it’s time to say what happened and not sugar coat it or tell you a metaphor.

The reason I needed to vent since the start of August… which some of you might have already figured out is… Phoenix has a new girlfriend. 

I don’t know how many of you know exactly know who Phoenix is, if you want to know there’s a category for him on my blog… but in short, how do I say it in short? Last year, at the beginning of junior year I started getting feelings for him and he was different because he was a good guy, he was genuine and nice “without any strings” as I would’ve said in the past. He was different because he asked me about my anxiety and told me he would be there for me and we actually hung out just the two of us. But I was… I’ve been… I am? Idk. I’m in the friendzone and I had no idea how he felt about me.

But there were things he would do that made me (not only me but my friends also) question his true feelings… like the anxiety. Most people don’t like talking about mental disorders, but he wanted to know what my fears and worries were. He wanted to know about things of my past. He wanted to make sure I was comfortable with him. He brushed my hair out of my face multiple times. He tickled me so that I would put my head on his shoulder. He wanted to spend more time with me… once he even sacrificed a few hours of soccer practice (soccer is his one true passion and love) just to spend a couple more hours with me because he made the point that he doesn’t see me as much as he practices soccer. He used to want to know so much about me and my day. He wanted me to be happy. He said that my laugh was like a melody. Whenever he saw me in school he would stop me and want to talk to me even if it was my lunch period and he would be late to class. He opened up to me… he told me an hour long story about his past and he shared a piece of himself with me. He knew I never left my house much and he wanted to be that side of adventure for me. My parents got mad because on one of my hangouts with him we both lost track of time and I came home at dark and he felt bad and I told him it’s okay because it was worth it to spend time together and he agreed. But he didn’t just agree or say “same” like any other teenager. He said, “I think it was worth it too.” He didn’t have to say my whole phrase over again but he did and that’s just how he was… his word choice, his actions, his personality, how he responded to my actions and words… it was all just a jumbled mess.

It all added to the confusion. It was because of all the things said above (and much more) that made the impossibility of him liking me seem possible. That made the insecurity of someone never being able to like me seem obliterated for a second. But I mean (NOT TO SOUND EGOTISTICAL or be all matter-of-fact) a few people have liked me in the past. But none of those people liked me for who I was because it was just a once-glance crush. They liked me because of my looks not because they got to know me. But if the signs above proved favorable and he actually liked me for who I am… it would be a game-changer. We spent months getting to know each other. No one I have ever liked and vibed with, none of them have ever liked me back. The possibility of someone I like actually liking me back? Honestly, it scared me. But I could have crossed that bridge if I ever came to it… but I never came to it.

I mean, maybe the stuff he did was him just being a good friend. But honestly? He hasn’t been a good friend for the past month or so. I mean I’m not one who wants to say bye to friendships. I would have sacrificed my feelings for the sake of our friendship if it was worth it.

Actually, I already did. When I started liking him or feeling things he was dating someone and I toned down whatever I was feeling because I wanted his friendship. But nowadays? He hasn’t been that great of a friend as he used to be.

He always cancels on me last minute. There was a time we were supposed to hang out this one day and I didn’t hear from him AT ALL. I was just hopelessly wasting hours away hoping his name popped up on my phone. With my anxiety, that day wasn’t easy for me. And when I asked him about it (I had to ask him about it, he didn’t care enough to tell me what happened) he said he canceled it (mentally) and forgot to notify me. Is that the action of someone who cares about you? I didn’t even get an explanation until I asked for it. And lately, he’s been leaving me on read. He never used to do that. There were times where he felt bad about leaving me on read and every conversation I had with him recently it’s like I worry that this is the last time I would hear from him that week. He used to respond to me in paragraphs and never seemed to mind but now it’s just sentences full of insults. He also lies. He tells me he’s going to reply to a message of mine and he never does. The fact that he might take a long time doesn’t bother me, it’s the fact that he tells me he’s going to and he doesn’t.

It’s not the thought that counts, it’s the action. We haven’t had a real conversation for a few weeks. All we do is insult each other and banter. I want to ask him how he is and how his life is, but he doesn’t ask that of me anymore.  He used to say “Good morning” to me.  He doesn’t do that stuff anymore. And it just gives me anxiety. I feel like if I asked that of him I would be bothering him. Plus, why would I ask him when he doesn’t even realize that him leaving me on read actually hurts?

He gives me the worst anxiety. Because I worry and I’m scared. I’m scared that I did something to him but I don’t know if I did something. Whenever he left me on read, I would think “Is this my fault? Did I say something?” And then I start overthinking and seeing it as my fault. I start thinking, “I shouldn’t have said that! If I said this, he would still be talking to me.”

But that’s not healthy. Something has happened in the past few months to “us.” There was the chapstick thing. But all that was resolved. I wanted to still be his friend so I forgave him for that.

But, I think the friendship has been rocky for a while now, way before finding out about his girlfriend. I just didn’t want to accept it because I had so much hope that he liked me back. I mean imagine having all those moments on repeat and replay in your head. It definitely didn’t help. Plus all my friends were like a third party and they were all like, “No, a “just friend” doesn’t do that. He definitely likes you!” That didn’t help but I’m definitely not blaming my friends. They’re all my rock through this.

The whole thing was messy. Even though I don’t want to accept that it was.

I mean he was “best friends” with his ex. My heart broke every time I saw them in the hallway. But I mean? They picked each other up after class like they were still together. And on two occasions he stopped in the middle of a conversation to talk to her. My friend even thought there was something more and they would get back together. Why did I keep falling for him? I should’ve fallen for a guy who… like the high school scenario, he would be like “Hey, can I walk you to class? (bruh we had 4 of the same classes together first semester he could’ve done that)” Lol I know, unrealistic. But still. That should be what I fall for. I shouldn’t have fallen for a guy who I know would never ask me to walk with him to his next class.

He did notice I had anxiety but… he didn’t care that much when I talked about it. If he knew what my anxiety was like he would know that his actions give me the worst anxiety. I always think I’m bothering him. Back in February, he said that if I ever felt that way he wouldn’t be a good friend. But a lot has happened since then.

There were moments where I got headaches because I just wanted the whole feeling train to stop. I just wanted to stop talking to him sometimes. I just wished that I let him lose focus sometimes. Because sometimes he was just a. complete. jerk.

I think getting his snapchat and number might’ve been a bad idea looking back at it. I mean, the first few months it was so nice to talk to him and have an ongoing conversation. It definitely made me smile seeing that he texted me. But for the past few weeks, it’s been torture.

There’s a difference between talking to people in real life and virtually, right? Well, virtual “Him” wasn’t all that great. I remember there was a post I wrote about this subject. I said that I don’t really like texting because people can be and say whatever they want behind a screen… and that was him.

He said anything without feeling the effects of it. He would make unrealistic promises: he said that we should see the stars someday this semester or summer— we never talked about it again… and so many other things my heart believed were true. He would say that he cared about me and he “wouldn’t give up on me.” He just said things. I never could believe it after the chapstick thing. But I could believe what he said in person… that felt like the truth because there was no screen to hide behind and he hates fake people. But looking at it now, now that he has a girlfriend, his words and actions, from the in person him, feel like a lie too.

And something that really pissed me off when texting him. Whenever I told him about real feelings and emotions he turned it into a joke or he said “Awww” like I was a dog doing a cute trick.

Our relationship wasn’t ever perfect. But when I found out he had a girlfriend it was like a wake-up call and a breaking point.

It was a Friday. Another reason I don’t want his snapchat: He always posts his feelings and vague stuff on there and it’s getting tiring. One day he posted this on his story: “I only wish I kissed you in the rain.” One of my friends is friends with both Phoenix and I, and she sent what he said to me. I kind of freaked out because whenever we hung out it was lowkey raining. But it also rained really hard the day he posted that on his story. My friend told me that she asked him who it was about.

Whoever it was about, I knew that things were going to change. (It’s funny because I sent him a message the same day my friend sent him that message. And it’s just like him that he responded to her in the same day while he responded to me two days later)

Then just as I was going to go to sleep, I check my phone. My friend texted me.

Three words. In three words he broke my heart. My friend asked him “I wonder who this is about?” He says, “My girlfriend lol.” 

Like I said before, he’s pretty vocal on snapchat. I always thought if he was to get in a new relationship he would put it on his story. But there was nothing. Even my friend didn’t know about his girlfriend and she knows pretty much everything about kids in our school.

So this is great to hear.. That night I felt horrible. I felt like throwing up my dinner and I felt a deep sadness. I even cried, I don’t usually cry when it involves crushes and stuff but this actually hurt. I actually wondered what I did wrong. That was one of the worst nights of my life.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for my friends I wouldn’t have made it through. That’s not even sugar coating anything. If they weren’t there at midnight I would have thrown up.

Then like I said he didn’t respond to my message until two days later. My friends told me I should keep distance I didn’t even want to see his name on my phone. I left him on read for once. Knowing that he has a girlfriend, I don’t even know what to make of his banter anymore. That’s all I am to him now. I’m just a back and forth, just someone to outmatch. He doesn’t ask me how my day is or how I’m doing anymore. It’s all different.

It hurts.

I don’t know who might’ve read this: Watching the clouds with you

That post is about our second hangout and it was near the end of June. I’m not forcing you to read it but imagine going through all these emotions and feelings that I wrote about in the post… and then two months later you find out all that hope and happiness… it’s obliterated.

Whilst I was falling for him harder, he was falling for someone else. 

I don’t know when he started dating her but does it matter? He still played with my feelings.

I even convinced myself that “she” didn’t exist. But why would he lie? She does exist. And I’m not doing myself any favors believing there is no girlfriend.

That’s why I’m typing up this post 3 weeks later. I need to accept it. In order to move on.

Because I want to move on. 

I don’t want to keep falling for him. There were reasons to let him go before I heard of a girlfriend but it took him having a girlfriend to open up my eyes. Him having a girlfriend made me not forgive the bs anymore and that’s good because I was forgiving too much bs for the sake of my feelings. 

I shouldn’t need to worry and wonder whether he cares about me… I should know.

I never wanted to type up this story on my blog honestly. I didn’t even want to tell you guys about him having a girlfriend. Because, again, I thought doing so would make him having a girlfriend be false. But I say everything on this blog and if I don’t say this story out loud on my blog… I still have hope for him and I’m still letting him control a piece of me. 

When really I shouldn’t have hope for him.

He made me overthink. He made me wonder if a thousand things were my fault. He made me go back and forth so many times.

And I have been through too much to have to go through this.

I hope that this doesn’t sound shallow of me to say but… I don’t deserve this.

I want to move on. I want to. I need to. I can’t keep these tears that are rolling down on my face. I can’t keep wondering “What if.” Things happened the way they did for a reason. I can’t keep hoping. There are more things I want to hope for.

There’s more I want to think about than the memories of us together. He reminded me what it was like to fall again. He showed me that guys can actually care about you and want to know more about you.

But the person who stays is worth your time. He didn’t stay, he never did.

There was a time where he seemed so perfect. But that was the problem. No one is ever perfect. All relationships have their ups and downs.

But if a person is messing with your mental health and you’re not even sure if they care about you, that’s when it should get personal.

These tears. This anxiety I have over him. This overthinking. I don’t need it. After all that I’ve been through and am going through. I don’t deserve it. He doesn’t get to do this. I shouldn’t let him.

Honestly? I’m movin’ on.

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all it takes is a day for things to happen. pt. 2

pt. 1

There was never supposed to be a part two, you see.

But things happened and days passed by where I couldn’t fight my mind, couldn’t disregard my heart, couldn’t live without knowing how he felt…

But the second time around, we still ended up here again. It all came around full circle.

I still don’t know how he feels. He still causes me pain.

And I still want to fix this.

all it takes is a day for things to happen.

It starts over again on a Sunday.

Because I needed to know your side of the story.

My over-analyzation and overthinking ruined me on a Sunday.

So I built up the courage to start talking to you again telling you, “I don’t want to bother you but can we talk?”

You reply to me that same day, on a Sunday.

And of course, you’re that person saying “Why would you? Sure we can.”

I told you that I was mad at you on a Sunday.

You had no idea that anything was wrong… or at least that’s what you said.

You told me that if someone stays quiet with you then you lose focus on a Monday.

You definitely know how to make a girl special… what does losing focus even mean?

I stupidly told you my feelings saying I missed you, I thought I was bothering you, and I thought you didn’t care on a Monday.

The idiot I am, I thought you would actually tell me what I wanted to hear.

But all you said to that was “Aw” on a Tuesday.

This is the day you said hi to me and my friend and I pretended I didn’t see you.

We talked for the first time face to face after all the previous “chapstick/not talking to each other shit” on a Thursday.

It was extremely awkward because I can see what I did to you… I forced you to care.

I told my friend that I was just going to “go with the flow” concerning you on a Thursday.

Because I honestly don’t know where this is headed… I still don’t know.

I saw you three times on a Friday.

I fooled myself through my happiness thinking I could only see you as a “Friend.”

You talked about me not being able to say hi back to you because, well you assume it’s because I’m shy on a Saturday.

When really it’s because you’re always with her, your ex-girlfriend, your “best friend.”

You told me you deleted snapchat because of drama on a Monday.

You asked me if there was another way for us to communicate so we exchange numbers… the awkwardness seeming to fade away.

I found out you had feelings for some girl on a Monday.

And I wrote a song about the pain because I knew it wasn’t me; you brought me up then brought me crashing down all in the same day.

You told me you wanted to hang out with me anytime soon on a Tuesday.

You asked me if I was free the next day and I was filled with fear because of this damn rollercoaster: one second I’m up and the next, I’m down.

We hung out on a Wednesday.

You took me to a huge library and we just talked… about our pasts, our fears, our futures.

I put my head on your knee and your shoulder on a Wednesday.

And it felt like the world couldn’t get to us and whatever we were didn’t matter because in that moment it was just us.

My parents got mad at me on a Wednesday.

Because we talked so long we lost track of time and I got home after dark.

You apologized for making me late on a Thursday.

I told you it was okay because the time together was worth it and you agreed.

I saw you on a Tuesday.

And I had to create distance between us while we briefly talked because I felt that I was too caught up in the moment during our hang out being physically close to you and I get carried away sometimes.

You didn’t reply to my messages until two days later on a Thursday.

You told me your phone is messed up and you didn’t get my messages until two days later— this situation definitely isn’t good for a girl with anxiety.

I asked you how your week was on a Friday.

You told me it was awesome, fun, weird, cool, etc (so many other adjectives) but you also said it was sad because you didn’t see me all week… I didn’t ask for that.

You tell me to do good on the SAT, you say “My Angelc legs” for the first time, and you also say that we should hang out at the library afterward on a Saturday.

But you didn’t send me any follow-up texts after I took the test so I had to ask you what the plan was.

I called you on a Saturday.

And you told me you became busy all of a sudden… and my heart broke while realizing that I’m an idiot.

You told me you would text me later that night on a Saturday.

And that was the first of your many lies that my heart would later disregard.

You tell my friend that you think I’m mad at you on a Monday.

And I agreed because I was.

You asked my friend if we could talk alone for a second on a Monday.

I still don’t know why you wanted to talk alone, you just told me to keep a lookout on my phone because you were free to text me.

You text me four minutes to midnight saying “Since it’s still today…” on a Monday.

It is four minutes until that day ended you piece of crap, and yeah I actually called you that.

I tell you we’re not on the same page and that I’m pages ahead of you on a Tuesday.

You told me you’re chapters ahead and you don’t like when I say “the end.”

You took everything as a joke on a Wednesday.

You told me that you couldn’t wait to shut my attitude down. I told you it’s not attitude, it’s hurt feelings and you told me to “Toughen up Angelic Legs.”

I saw you after we had a back and forth over texts on a Thursday.

And you wanted to annoy me with an insult and I told you I was too tired to deal with you and you smirked and said “Uh-huh.”

You stopped me on the stairwell on a Friday.

And even though I would make you late for class you wanted to keep talking to me… the way you looked at me and stopped me from leaving and your smile urgh.

I made a list of why you only think of me as a friend on a Sunday.

And life was like “Yeah right.”

You told me that you want to hang out again and to tell you my free days on a Monday.

I was mad at you but once I read that text I suddenly wasn’t anymore.

I told you that I’m free any day except Tuesday and Wednesday on a Monday.

And you asked me if we should do Thursday… (these days are the confusing, frustrating ones, so hold on).

I told you I was actually free today but it’s too late now because you might be busy on a Tuesday.

You were busy and the fact that I reply to your texts seemingly seconds afterward whilst you reply hours/a day later makes me wanna hide in a corner.

You told me we might be able to hang out next week Monday on a Wednesday.

And I thought, “Wait, are we still hanging out on Thursday?” (Is it frustrating yet?)

I saw you running late to your class on a Wednesday.

And you told me we might be able to hang out tomorrow and you would text me soon… I actually believed you would give me details soon for a second.

At the last period, in the second to last hour of school, while I’m filled with anxiety wondering if we’re meeting today, you tell me that you’re busy and we should hang out next week Monday on a Thursday.

And you made my last week of school a h.e.a.d.a.c.h.e. If you weren’t even free any day that week, why did you ask?

You reinstall Snapchat on a Friday.

And I get anxiety all over again because your eyes are there again and I would feel the need to post on my story just for you to see it… that feeling I hate.

You start a new conversation with me on snapchat on a Sunday.

You commented on a picture of my best friend and I. Also, me freaking out over growing up… we were getting back to a conversation after a week of frustrating texts of “This day? No, this day.”

“Next week Monday” comes, the day we’re supposed to hang out and I wait anxiously and aggravatingly on a Monday.

But I hear nothing from you… I ruined myself waiting for something, anything and this is a reason why Mondays are now my least favorite days.

I send you a text through messaging, not snapchat, asking you what happened on a Tuesday.

To this day, you still have not responded to that text… wow, that feeling of wanting to hide in a corner is definitely not foreign when it comes to you.

You text me on snapchat on a Wednesday.

And I remember I had one of the worst headaches that night.

I got my driver’s license posting on my snapchat story “I WANT TO SCREAM BUT I MIGHT SCARE THESE PEOPLE” on a Wednesday.

And all you say is “You can scream if you want to.” Disregarding my text, the texts I sent you Sunday, and my feelings… but it’s not the first time with the last one.

My friends tell me to just send you a rude message and go to sleep on a Wednesday.

They kept me sane and from losing my cool with you.

You send me on a message on a Thursday.

I didn’t want to deal with your bullshit… so I waited a day to open it— so you’ll know what it’s like.

I opened your message on a Friday.

You told me, “We need a new day to hang out, right? Tell me your free days.” So, we’re gonna do this again? I’m tired. 

I don’t tell you my free days on a Friday.

Instead, I want to tell you “Are you just going to blow me off like this week?” And my friend persuades me to actually tell you that so you can feel the burn.

You tell me that you wanted to hang out outside and it was raining that day so you canceled the hangout but you forgot to notify me on a Friday.

And I thought “Is this really your excuse?” Because, honestly, what kind of bullshit? How do you forget to tell me, did you think telepathy would work? And why did you only give me an explanation when I confronted you about it?

I openly call you a jerk on a Friday.

And you make it into a joke.

You replied to my sass with “Damn” because I was still mad at you on a Saturday.

I asked you if it hurt, and if it did then good.

You told me that’s why you won’t give up on me on a Sunday.

I don’t understand why you said that… it didn’t fit what we were talking about. Why? Was that a lie too?

I took a picture of my permit besides my license because I was smiling in my license but mad in my permit. I put it on my snapchat story blocking out my address and other personal stuff on a Monday.

But I guess I didn’t block it out that good because you send me a message saying “So you live on _______ Avenue?” And I questioned how you were able to tell what my address was byecause of a blurry picture and a few unblocked letters at the end.

You told me you were going to show up at my window one day sneaking into my house on a Monday.

I teased you saying you don’t know my house number… there we go, we’re back to us.

You told me we should hang out tomorrow on a Monday.

And we did.

We hung out on a Tuesday.

We went to a park this time.

We talked about life and little things on a Tuesday.

We looked at the clouds and my heart could’ve manipulated this into thinking it’s something more… and it did.

You circled your arm around my waist and also put it around my shoulders on a Tuesday.

But we’re only friends, right?

You told me that if you saw me on a date while you were downtown you would be like “Oooo I see you” on a Tuesday.

And your reaction was that of a genuine friend, where did someone dating me even come from? We weren’t talking about that.

We had to go separate ways because we were going on different buses on a Tuesday.

I walked away from you and I hoped that you looked at me, and after a few seconds I looked back and you were crossing the street. That’s the last time I would see you when our relationship would still be “okay.”

You left for Seattle on a Saturday.

I messaged you saying I can finally breathe again and joked around with you; telling you “Have fun and you know you don’t have to come back.”

Instead of a usual insult back you just reply with a simple “Sure thing” on a Sunday.

I tell you that it’s a joke and asked you if you were okay.

You return to your usual self and something feels off but I don’t question it on a Sunday.

You say that it’s nice to see my soft side under the insults and if you’re feeling down you’d tell me and I should do the same… even though I didn’t believe that last part. Remember the chapstick thing?

You return to your “Good Morning’s” and you message me fire emojis concerning my new haircut on a Tuesday.

We’re finally at that level of normalcy, it seems. Seattle “You” is nice, he replies in the same day and everything.

It’s Independence Day in America and you tell me to “Stay Safe” twice that day on a Tuesday.

How can I stay safe when you’re literally killing me?

You told me you wanted to read or listen to my songs on a Friday.

I started freaking out… I was so happy that you wanted to hear one.

You said that your friend opened the snapchat conversation and closed it without saving the paragraph messages on a Friday.

This is the message with my excitement for you to hear one of my songs. This definitely feels like the excuse side of you.

I reply to you like I did the last time and for the first time that week, you don’t reply at all in a day on a Saturday.

Something is wrong but I don’t think twice about it, it’s only been a day— you’ve left me hanging for longer in the past.

It’s your birthday on a Sunday.

You still haven’t responded to my messages but I remembered your birthday and wanted to wish you a happy birthday.

You respond to my happy birthday message in a few hours on a Sunday.

You’re coming back home from Seattle this day and you tell me you’ll respond to my other messages later when you get service in the airport… *sarcasm on* when have you ever lied about that before?

You leave me on read on a Sunday.

I think nothing about it because for the hundredth time I again believe you when you say a lie because why would you deceive me? You know I have anxiety.

You comment on the senior pictures I posted on my story on a Wednesday.

At this point, I’m truly pissed off at you and I don’t hide my sass because literally the message of you lying, saying that you would reply to my messages later is right above “the senior pictures” message. You knew that you would be blatantly lying to me, you never were planning to respond to that message, were you? Home “You” is back to being a jerk.

We have a back and forth conversation of insults on a Thursday.

I’m tired and I figure if we’re just insulting each other it won’t hurt me as much if any second now you would leave me on read.

You annoy me to a point where I tell you about this song: Reflection, that tells you about how I feel about you (not realistically) on a Friday.

You say that it’s adorable (… really adorable?) that I feel this way and I questioned whether you actually understood the song.

You said that you know me well enough to know if I’m lying or not on a Saturday.

That pissed me off because you’re so cocky that you think you know so much about me when you haven’t even scratched the surface. I know if I said that exact same thing to you, you would mock me.

I tell you, “You think you know me that well? That’s cute” on a Saturday.

And you leave me on read amongst other messages I sent you but I know I didn’t hurt you… your ego is too big to be hurt.

I hear a song on Monday.

It gave me hope after you left me on read because you’ve said before that you don’t like when I say “End of the story.”

You send me a message 13 days later responding to my story on a Saturday.

And honestly, your message wasn’t worth any wait.

Somehow we’re having a conversation on a Monday.

But it’s not a real one… it’s just the back and forth again. But talking to you is better than not talking to you and having anxiety.

You come for my shortness on a Monday.

You say being short is an advantage (which I already knew lol) and that I could use it in my favor if my crush likes short girls… which is ironic because you’re just talking about yourself.

I respond to you for the last time unbeknownst to me that things would change on a Friday.

Ironically we were talking about you not being able to handle it if I stopped talking to you and how I had a trap on you over our friendship and you couldn’t get out.

On your story you put, “I only wish I kissed you in the rain” on a Friday.

My dumb ass actually thinks it’s me. Because it either rained/drizzled whenever we hung out.

My friend asks you who it’s about on a Friday.

You respond with, “My girlfriend lol” and everything seems like a game now… it all feels like a lie.

Talking to my friends saves me on a late Friday night/early Saturday morning.

Because if they weren’t there I would’ve thrown up my dinner.

You respond to my Friday texts on a Sunday.

But you send them late in the night so I can wait to respond to them the next day.

I open your messages on a Monday.

And this is a time of firsts. I leave you on read for once. I think of myself for once. I want to protect my heart for once.


It’s been 14 days since we stopped talking. I don’t know if it’s phasing you or not. I don’t even know if you’ve noticed. You lost focus… but now that you have a her I don’t know what to think or hope for anymore.

I actually thought I was special to you. I thought our whole story, this back and forth, everything.. it would all be worth it in the end. But it’s not. You played me. You played with my heart. I don’t care what anyone says, maybe that’s just how you are with friends… If that’s the case I’m not sure if I can be your friend.

Maybe there’s a reason this happened a second time… maybe I wasn’t supposed to start over again. Because here I am at square one all over again. But this time. I know, for sure, it’s not my fault.

There’s nothing more I want to do than talk to you… but why? To tell you the truth? You would probably respond with awww and we’ll be at that awkward stage again. Just so I can be your friend? I can’t. To see if you care about me? I can’t take any more jumps or chances for you to try to know what you’re feeling… I’ll never know. And I already know, you are half-hearted when it comes to me and you barely care. All those times you left me on read, left me hanging on a Monday, hurt my feelings… it never phased you because you didn’t care.

It wouldn’t matter if you knew you hurt me. If it did… if it does, where are you now?

Nobody is probably going to read this whole thing. I wouldn’t even want to if I wasn’t part of it. Because it’s so crazy, the ups and downs, it would make anyone want to rip their hair out… I don’t know how I haven’t done that yet.

It’s tiring. 

One day, you asked me what was wrong, in person, and I told you that I was tired. You asked me how long I slept that night. I told you I’m not physically tired but mentally tired. And amongst the other reasons (school, fake friends, anxiety, etc.) one of the reasons I was tired was because of my feelings for you.

And for these past few weeks it was like I pretended that everything you’ve done wasn’t real, my mind wasn’t able to comprehend everything so I just didn’t accept it… that’s the only way I could accept it, ironically. But typing all of this up and realizing how real it is…

One of my friends told me that she lied to me saying she stopped talking to her crush and it made her feel better. She told me this lie so that I would stop talking to you and she said she was sorry but she had to say it because “he was hurting you way more than my own crush (who’s a real douchebag) was hurting me.

And I realized. You were hurting me a lot. But I kept letting you hurt me. For the sake and hope of my heart. And in the end… it didn’t even work out. It wasn’t worth it. You were falling for a girl whilst I was falling for you deeper.

During those both hangouts. With my head on your shoulder. With your hand around my waist. While you brushed my hair behind my ear. 

You were playing with me.

And I can’t forgive you for that.

I can’t.

I’m writing this about you on a Monday.

And no matter how much I want to talk to you or want to hope for a message from you, I know it won’t be good for me.

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to start over.

“no person wants to start over with a new person. telling secrets, giving their body away. falling all over again. its too much..”

via @changes on twitter

This twitter post literally came the very day I needed it. Coincidence? I really don’t know.

But do you know what it’s like?

Let’s go back. If you’re interested in a little history step inside the rollercoaster ride.

Eighth grade. I like this guy in my class. And this is the first time I’ve liked someone for their personality, and not just solely on looks. He was funny, we had banter, and he said cute things sometimes, I guess. He did things my little middle school heart never experienced before… like he hugged me. Yep. Hugged me. Many other things happened and I had a little hope that he liked me. But he didn’t.

And so when it was time for us to go our separate ways into high school, I found myself missing him. Long story, short (because this story was on my blog before “Over”) I tried to get over him and it took two years. He was completely toxic for my heart. I always thought he was genuine and missed me too, but no.

One of my best friends told me that I would meet someone better, someone who deserved my heart… then “Phoenix” showed up. And I thought maybe this is my second chance.

Remember Phoenix? The guy I thought was perfect for my heart? The guy I thought would never hurt me? I thought he would be someone worth falling for.

So I fell.

It’s been months. Maybe even close to a year?

And honestly, when I fell I didn’t expect to be this close to him. To have his number, to have his snapchat, to have hung out with him. None of that was expected when I started to fall. But it happened. And it made the falling even worse.

But the falling was okay. Because Phoenix seemed sooooo much better than my eighth-grade crush, let’s call him “Over.”

So I started over with Phoenix. I fell. Again. But it was okay because he was genuine and sweet and honest and real. Right?

Phoenix did things that no guy has ever done. He asked me if I had depression, he sensed that himself, and then he figured out that I had anxiety and he asked me about it. And he told me that he would be there to talk if I ever needed it. He suspected something was wrong and something happened in my life just because of a “weird-sounding” text. And we texted each other in paragraphs and he never seemed to mind.

But then, things changed.

And he just turned out to be like the 7.0 version of Over. But it was deeper this time. It was much deeper.

I told Phoenix things I haven’t even told my best friend. I told him my fears, my secrets, I gave him a piece of myself. I got to know him, or at least who he wanted to seem like in front of me. I built a relationship with him. And for what?

For it to just go to waste?

We’re not on good terms right now. This isn’t like some petty fight… this might be the end of the Phoenix chapter. And honestly? I thought it would last way longer. But he turned out to be just as dishonest as Over.

Both of them were just full of talk and their actions came from their ego instead of their heart.

So here I am. After falling deeper for the second time.

I thought I would be in a better place. I thought it would be worth it. I thought it would at least feel better than this.

But falling for the second time is, even more, worse than the first time.

Ater the first time, I was cautious. I didn’t want to let my heart out of its chains again. But when a guy does the sweet things that Phoenix did you get vulnerable and you trust. And you fall before you can stop yourself.

I never really believed my best friend when she said I would find a guy who would treat me so much better. It didn’t really feel like that would actually happen because it’s me and my life. But then he came in and gave me a little hope that genuine guys existed and there might be a chance I could get over “Over.”

He gave me hope after my first fall.

But the second fall, like I said, didn’t turn out great. Not at the beginning, not in the middle, not in the end.

Even though there were great things that happened during this fall… something was there to always make me feel like crap: another girl, he hurt me unintentionally or intentionally, my anxiety, etc.

And you know? I tried so hard to push the crappy parts down because I thought I would never meet another guy like him. A guy who would care so much about me and about my past and my future. A guy who wanted to see the stars with me, wanted to see a play together, wanted to go far away someday to escape it all, didn’t believe in promises like me, and hated fake people just as much as me. He seemed… right? He told me instead of a party he would want to see a sunset and I’m like wow, the perfect person for a girl with anxiety.

It all just seemed so perfect. I guess that’s what was wrong. The perception of it was deceitful.

But the way I got to know him was different than the way I got to know anyone else. We opened up to each other. We took small steps. We shared.

How do you let something like that go?

And how can you possibly think of moving on and thinking you deserve someone better when that was it… when that was the better? Or at least it felt like it.

Did I waste all those months, all that time, falling for him? Is it all just a waste now? Now that I know I meant nothing to him. And it was all nothing.

I don’t even know if I can get up after this second fall. I don’t think I can picture myself giving so much of myself to another person… hoping that they’re the right one for my heart.

I can’t do it again. I can’t.

It was hard enough this time.

Now, a piece of me is with him and he’s just breaking that piece apart.

How can I open up myself to another person? Open up my heart? The thought of falling for a third time and getting heartbroken for a third time? I don’t want to think of that. It really exhausts me thinking like that. I don’t even know if I’ll even be able to…

How do people like this get so consumed with playing the game that they don’t even realize they’re playing with feelings and emotions? Doesn’t that ever cross their minds?

How can I start over?

After going through so much, after listening to my heart, how can I possibly start over?

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