love and hate: rain.

believe it or not, but I…

used to hate the rain.

I found it hard to even type that.

Now, before you come at me with your “What the heck Rebecca? How do you hate the rain?”

Just hear me out.

Look at that word usage, “used to” meaning I thankfully don’t hate it anymore.

But my relationship with the rain has been a hate and now love one.

And the best loves are the ones you hate at first, right? (No one ever said that don’t quote me lol. In this kind of situation, it’s true. In others, get the hell out.)

Why did I use to hate the rain?

I was a kid. I think that’s a solid argument.

What do kids want to do most of the time? Play.

Of course, I wanted to play outside, not sulk inside because of the rain.

The rain ruined my happiness. Plus, the appearance. It was always gloomy and brought my mood down.

I even remember this one time, as a preteen, when my friends had this group text conversation. Two of my friends loved the rain and I was just like “Wait… what? Noooo the rain is crap! I want to go outside, it’s ruining my plans.” (I was in seventh grade, please don’t blame me)

But yes, there was an actual time when the rain was my enemy. I mean I wouldn’t say, an enemy it wasn’t the spawn of the devil… I just didn’t like it. It wasn’t my favorite.

Then a few years pass and I start going through hormones (ew puberty) and emotions. I’m no longer a child. And all the dark thoughts and emotions start coming in.

I still don’t like the rain but I don’t hate it either… does that make sense? It was like my feelings were now nearing the middle of the “hate” and “love” spectrum,  maybe even inching close to love?

But the rain wasn’t my best friend. Whenever it rained and I already felt down inside it was like an extra reason as to feel crappy. Like the world needed to remind me that I felt like crap inside. It brought me more pain.

Then, recently, a guy came along. And yes, this is the recent guy I always talk about. But this post isn’t about him so I won’t say his pseudonym but my involvement with that whole thing does relate to rain.

He brought the rain for me. He was the rain to me. He brought me to tears and gave me pain.

I remember when I stopped talking to him for two weeks and it rained a majority of those two weeks (it was April showers season, but I still think it’s a sign).

Those two weeks are how I came to love rain, like really love it. When I got a love for photography my freshman year I saw rain as beautiful and pretty but the two weeks the guy broke my heart, I truly loved rain.

I started loving it because it connected with me.

Yes, I felt like crap inside but the rain wasn’t really “making fun” of it, like I used to see rain as doing to my pain before.

No, it’s like the rain was with me. It’s pain was shared with mine. The world cried and I cried and I don’t know call me weird… but it’s like the world was sharing in my pain. Whenever it rained, I felt okay. Why? Because the world was sad too.

It felt okay for me to feel sad and to cry because the world was too.

Now, the rain is like my best friend. It calms the storm in me… no matter how ironic that might be.

It makes the pain and heartbreak okay for some reason. The way it looks… and sounds… just makes life feel okay for a moment.

And I no longer relate rain to sadness. Because it’s not true anymore. Rain isn’t sadness. It’s happiness. It’s serenity. It’s calmness.

It’s the feeling that even through all the pain and the tears, everything is gonna be okay. Sometimes the tears just have to flow and you need to let it all out.

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Quotes from My Social Media When I Was a Preteen: DEEP EDITION

Ok, WHO LET ME HAVE A SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNT AS A KID??

Lol, really?

Because I went through all my past tweets and wow… Lol, a majority of what I tweeted about was homework being boring and school seemingly never-ending. To be honest, this young girl did not know stress even though she was complaining 24/7.

So, I’ve been doing this thing where I gather all my quotes and put it in a journal because I want it to all be in one place. I did this for all my poems on Tumblr and now I did it for my Twitter.

But guys… I did not expect all my tweets to be so cringe-worthy, funny, etc. I literally had those two emotions the most reading through all of them like “I said that?”

But Young Rebecca was as deep in her feelings almost as much as this Rebecca. Why? I don’t know… fanfiction maybe? I watched A LOT of rom-coms as a kid.

But I also was… psh was, I still am, not to be egotistical ya know lol. But I was funny as a kid like I am now *attempts hair-flip* But the funny tweets I have saved for another day because this is… *drum-roll*

THE DEEP EDITION OF YOUNG REBECCA’S TWEETS:

Lol, most of these originate as early as 2012. Buckle in because most of these, I don’t even know what I was going through to be tweeting something like this as a kid but here we gooo… (I might add little comments in between)

ITALICIZED AND BOLD: Young Tweeter Rebecca

NORMAL TEXT: Present Rebecca (Wow, I don’t get any special fonts or such? … sorry it would be confusing. Am I arguing with myself? …Possibly… Because it relates to the rest of this post like how I’m talking to my younger self, ya see how I fit that in? Just get on with the post bruh… ok lol)

  • “i guess people don’t look on the inside. they’re too focused on the outside to care.”
    • I knew this was a good tweet because one of the “popular kids” who used to follow me (who rudely unfollowed me) retweeted this and I got excited. It’s kinda sad what excited me back then but I really like the quote. It deserves snaps like after a poem… ok I’ll stop.
  • “i do hate you but i don’t want to let go of you.”
    • The funny thing is, I honestly have no idea who this is about. The date of this tweet was before my 1st major crush soooo… really have no idea lol.
  • “am i talking to you, or a stranger? do I still know you? or have we forgotten each other? did i really know the real you? we’ve drifted apart?”
    • It’s coincidental how relatable this is at the moment.
  • “when it seems like it’s not reality, i wake up from the dream of life and fantasy.”
    • I really don’t though lol
  • “if you couldn’t care less, then why are you thinking about it now?”
    • Damn. Is Young Rebecca coming for my life?
  • “if it feels like your world is crumbling and nobody loves you, God loves you no matter what”
    • Too true though. My faith strong since the young days.
  • “there isn’t a time when i don’t think of memories.”
  • “i was saying you should come back now i’m singing “you shouldn’t come back” 
    • Anyone know the Demi Lovato song, “Shouldn’t Come Back?”
  • “there can be more than one side of a person.”
    • DON’T I KNOW
  • “how do you figure something out if you don’t know where to start?”
  • “closing your eyes won’t make the problem go away.”
  • “i miss the person that you used to be.”
  • “please stop changing.”
    • This was when I was in my “I hate change” phase
  • “the moon will follow us home.”
    • The start of my love and obsession for the moon. Basically it’s where our love story began lol
  • i would’ve smiled at your face but that would’ve been too much for me to take.”
    • FOLLOW YOUNG REBECCA’S ADVICE, REBECCA
  • “it’s like the past is repeating itself.”
    • It is though. This is why I need to read and re-read these.
  • “you knew what you were getting yourself into.”
    • Yeah… I did. It’s like Young Me is scolding present me
  • “i’ve literally made it so obvious… you might as well be oblivious.”
    • *cough* Phoenix *cough* but really how oblivious that boy is… I can’t
  • “i don’t want to get lost in the dark.”
  • “i’d wait all day just for a moment.”
    • It’s sad how true this still is
  • “i wish i could go back in the past and whisper, “wrong person.”
    • yes, Yes, YES
  • “just when i was starting to get to know you, you leave.”
  • “you never know what you can find when you start exploring your options.”
  • “we would remember that day like it was yesterday.”
  • “secrets are dangerous. telling the wrong person will lead to disaster and it’ll kill you inside.”
  • “i don’t want a stupid coincidence haunting me forever.”
    • Hi Overthinking, how are you doing today?
  • “i miss you too but you’re not what i want anymore.”
  • “at this point can you just tell me if you like me or not? Please, it’s killing me.”
    • Relatable, at this very moment
  • “if only i was that piece of special for you but i never was and i have to accept that.”
    • ERGHhghhhhh this makes me cringe. Because I wrote this unsent letter to my very first MAJOR crush and burned it. My friend told me to write it because it helped her because she wanted to get over someone too. And so I put like lines from the letter on my twitter because he followed me on twitter and I hoped he would see it eraskldfsjdls I still cringe. The next two are quotes from that letter too. I was in deep. I didn’t even have one real conversation with this guy. But can you blame me? It was middle school lol
  • “we never said goodbye but we didn’t have to because we felt it.”
  • “there will always be a vacant space in my heart for you.”
  • “there’s a star out there destined for you and your wishes.”
  • “what about a person who lies about their lying?”
    • THEY NEED TO LEAVE THEN bye
  • “someday those eyes that i fell for are gonna be the eyes that i envy.”
  • “i wish i was stronger. Mentally, not physically.
    • This was during the time I actually realized that strength was more than just muscles. I’m really proud of how far I’ve come.
  • “it’s hard to believe that certain things are real sometimes.”
  • “do you remember me? or am i just a faint memory?”
  • “there are people you thought would never hurt you. yet, that’s all they do nowadays.”
  • “you never really had to go… you just didn’t want to stay.”
  • “i finally figured out that every compliment you give me comes with an insult.”
  • “when i’m away from the harbor, i need an anchor.”
  • “hearing you insult someone else makes me wonder what you say behind my back.”
    • This tea tastes really good
  • “you used past tense. meaning we aren’t anymore. not like we were anything.” 
  • “everyone has the path that they’re walking on. i’m still trying to figure out which way to go and where mine leads.”
    • Still haven’t figured it out
  • “i’m done telling this story. i want a new story to tell.”
  • “people left. i had to change, it was the only way that i could move on.”
    • And now I accept change. It’s cute how I can see my development lol
  • “i didn’t come all this way for nothing.”
    • No you didn’t 🙂
  • “the only thing i’m holding onto right now is hope.”
    • I remember I tweeted this the night I realized I was only still alive because of hope and I should keep holding onto it.
  • “i look at my past as a journey of the person i’m becoming.”
    • And sometimes a journey of my cringe developing but mostly the first one
  • “i would rather regret something i did do, than something i didn’t do.”
  • “the camera can never capture the true beauty that you see through your eyes.”
  • “the one person you don’t want to see is suddenly the only person you ever see.”
  • “treading shallow water is too easy. the big waves are your competition.”
  • “let it rain for a while, i’m getting a rainbow afterward.”
  • “it doesn’t feel real. whenever things change, it doesn’t seem real.”
  • “the funny thing is, no matter what you do or have done to my heart it’ll always find a way to forgive you and your bs.”
    • Hey look, this Rebecca is more recent lol
  • “why did you have to bring the rain?”
  • “i should’ve just let you focus.”

Lol, I honestly thought I would cringe more but it was more like Younger Rebecca was giving me a lesson and coming for my life. Now I’m picturing a young me at a classroom blackboard with a pointer stick while present me sits in a chair listening (and a bit scared)… my imagination is… But there ya go! There’s deep young Rebecca for ya! I hope you learned something from her because I sure did. This post was really fun to write, be sure to look out for the FUNNY edition of this blog post which is coming soon (she says hopefully)

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the fortune cookie without a fortune

So I had a really good day hanging out with my dad and a bunch of uncles and aunts. We went to this restaurant and at the end of it they gave us fortune cookies.

I don’t really “believe” the fortune in fortune cookies but it’s funny to see what that little cookie can hold.

All my family members opened their cookies, read their fortunes, and laughed together.

Then my aunt told me to open mine.

I don’t believe in fortune cookies but I needed some sort of a life boost. I have no idea where my path leads nowadays… I kind of hoped that whatever was in that cookie could at least try to give me a little coincidental hope of what’s to come. I don’t believe in them but I do believe in little coincidences and signs- and that fortune cookie could possibly be a coincidental sign.

But I wouldn’t hope too much on that fortune cookie.

So I opened the wrapper and… there was no fortune.

My aunts thought I was playing a trick and hiding the fortune lol, but after many attempts of saying “Nooo I’m serious I really didn’t get one”

One of my aunts then proceeded to be my own personal fortune cookie.

She said that my future/fortune depends on me, that’s why I didn’t get a fortune.

And I think that’s more of a trippy, coincidental sign than anything.

I really needed “that” fortune.

I honestly don’t know where my future leads. I was going to base a little bit of it on a mere fortune cookie. And I didn’t even get a fortune in the cookie… Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not.

Either way, it is very trippy.

And it has me thinking about a lot of things.

I just hope I’m on the right path to be my own fortune cookie.

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500 FOLLOWERS!! | Q&A!!

I can’t believe I reached another milestone!

500 is half of one thousand but like… the 500 itself is huge for me.

Like that many of you stumbled upon my diary and hit a follow button?

Lol, every time I reach a one-hundred milestone I get very sappy with you guys thanking you for letting me be myself in a place where I feel comfortable.

I won’t be repetitive (even though it’s very true).

But I always will be thankful, grateful, and blessed for stumbling upon this website. For being to meet all you very lovely people.

Because if I’ve never walked into this space, or if I was too shy to create a blog… no lie: I’m not even sure if I would be here today.

This blog is more than just a blog to me. It’s my safe haven. It’s the place I can sometimes forget but always come back to like a home.

Life, for the past few months, has been more serious and shaky. Everything is coming at me at once. I’m gonna be a high school senior this year… I’m (hopefully) going to college next year. I’m growing up. I have to discover the person I want to be in the world. Time is just flashing past in the blink of an eye.

So much is changing for me and I don’t know how to handle it… some days I’m okay, I can breathe. Other days it’s hard and I just lose energy over thinking and feeling depressed.

It’s a cycle. My life is a cycle. And it’s disturbing sometimes but it’s also interesting. How I feel all depends on my mentality. But both ways it’s tiring not knowing what’s awaiting me at the end of the tunnel.

And this is the one place where I feel like I can’t make a mistake. I can’t say the wrong thing. I don’t have to worry about being judged. I don’t have to hide from anyone here. I don’t have to be fake or shun fake people here. This is the realest place I know. You are the realest (aka you the realest lol I’m sorry) people I know.

For once, in an area of my life, I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong here.

So thank you for supporting me, commenting on my posts, following me, liking my posts, believing in me…

oh my gosh. Thank you for anyone and everyone who has said they believe in me. You don’t know how much that means to me. It means the world. The world. There are people literally making me feel like crap because of my anxiety making me feel like I can’t make it through this life with it. But when you guys tell me that you believe in the person I am… it gives me so much hope.

You guys think I’m hopeful when really it’s you who make and keep me hopeful.

The fact that you think and believe I have so much in me… I can’t put it into words.

I shouldn’t be the only one feeling good about myself, you guys should feel good about yourselves too. YOU took a step in making blogs too and encouraging people to hold on even when they want to give up and give in.

Lol there’s the sappiness again.

But it was gonna come anyway, hope ya don’t mind.

Really though. Thank you.

For accepting this 17-year-old Indian girl with anxiety as she is.

And for making her feel worthy of life.


So if you read the second part of the title: YES I will be having a Q&A!!

I literally checked my blog for the last time I had one and it was legit a year ago…

It doesn’t even feel like that long ago but I don’t want to get into the concept of time (it’s a dark place).

So if you have a question for me; goofy, deep, mind-wracking, anything. It’ll all be answered happily! 🙂

Please send me questions, because it would really suck if no one sends me a question. I’m probably going to have a lot of anxiety worrying if anyone is going to send me a question or not, or if I’ll even be able to have a sufficient Q&A. Wow, that just makes me feel needy like I’m saying: Gimme your questions! I don’t mean to sound needy! If you have a question, feel free to send it to me and I’ll answer it.

I’ll probably have the Q&A on Saturday/Sunday. To be decided… stay tuned.

Thank you again for supporting me!

(My heart is literally doing that fluttery thing, like when I get good news or see one of my friends I haven’t seen in a long time)

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working through my Anxiety.

Guys, I did something today that, before, would have scared the life out of me because of my anxiety.

I talked to an adult to schedule an appointment on the phone!

I know, if you don’t have anxiety that might seem like nothing to you. But for a person with anxiety, it’s a pretty huge step.

I usually get my parents to talk to adults on the phone because of so many different reasons: I don’t know what to say, my voice gets shaky and nervous (and high pitched like hey, what’s up pre-pubescent Rebecca) it’s a situation a person with anxiety would very much want to avoid and never encounter.

I could’ve waited for my dad a few days to call them and make an appointment but I knew that was going to take a few days. Plus I knew I would have to make appointments with them in the future and my dad wasn’t always gonna do it. So I had to start doing it by myself to take a task off his list.

I mean, if I’m talking to a friend on the phone, at first, if it’s a new thing I get nervous but it’s my friend and that’s easy. With an adult, that you don’t know and is at a business etc., it’s more difficult. You don’t know how they’re going to react, what they’re going to say- if they’re even nice. It’s nerve-wracking.

But I wanted to call them. I needed to.

I need to prove to myself that I can live with my anxiety. I need to prove to my worries and fears that I can overcome. I need to prove to my deep sadness that crawls out here and there that I can do it.

I need to prove it to the lady who told me I needed to get a “self-help book” to fix my problems.

You see, last month I went to a workshop that my school’s career center had. It was information about how to have a successful interview with an adult or superior There weren’t many students, there were just 5 of u… so that’s great. No one to hide behind. And yes the lady in charge made us share opinions and all that ishh. And from the first, few minutes she was already labeling me like everyone else in my life. Telling me I’m shy. I know. I need to speak up. I know. I need to be more open. Wow, she’s really not letting this go. Literally, this lady was the epitome of every person who labeled my anxiety as “shyness” or “quietness.” And she WOULD NOT leave it alone. She kept pointing me out and asking me questions I didn’t know the answer to… and she waited and I just felt like exploding. I wanted to leave the room but with so little people I would cause a scene and I would not want that. So she gave everyone interview example and she asked us to consider a weakness that we have and tell it out loud to the other kids. I didn’t know what else to say so I talked about my overthinking and how it messes with my mind.

This lady literally looked me dead in the eye and told me, “You know what? I think you should order a self-help book and boost your confidence… you should also grin more.” 

I didn’t smile a lot, I don’t like pleasing people with my smile. Why would I? If I like you, I’ll smile. And really, Miss, how are you gonna tell me to grin more? It’s not like you were giving me reasons to smile. The self-help book kind of threw me off guard for some reason.

That day was a really bad one for me. I believed. She didn’t know my story but I felt like she was right. In a way. It felt like she was. When she looked at me like that, it was like “Damn. Can I even do stuff like this with my anxiety?” Could I be capable of living a life with anxiety? This was a freaking school workshop about job interviews, it wasn’t even a real interview but this lady read through my deepest demons… dug them out and used them against me. I thought that since she’s an adult she’s right.

I’m going to struggle. I’m going to cry. I’m going to fail.

Going back to the phone call… It took me ten minutes to even call the people. I dialed the number then proceeded to just stare at my phone building the muster to hit the call button.

Then I clicked it. I needed to, like I said before.

This past weekend, I as in one of my deep holes. I really didn’t see a way out because everything was coming out of the dark: my anxiety, my friends that I seem to “burden,” my family being better off without me and my episodes, the guy who wasn’t capable of feeling the same way about me or even caring enough to keep our friendship, etc.

Then I got brought out of my hole. God really carried me through this time.

But getting out of that hole meant things needed to change. And the main thing that needed to change is my anxiety and how I deal with anxious situations.

If I’m going to live long enough to see how my future turns out I need to be okay with myself. Even if that means I have anxiety. I need to live with it. I need to live through it. I know, I know I’m not my mental illness but it’s what I have right now. It’s controlling me, it’s showing me what I don’t like and what I’m not comfortable with.

But if I’m going to try harder, I need to cross the comfort zone line a little bit. Even if it means making a  mere phone call to schedule an appointment.

It might not seem like much to you… but to that girl who was so scared that anxiety would take over her life where she sees that she’s not able to live with it, this is the world to her. 

And that’s who I’m doing this for.

I’m going to take more steps like this in the future. Even if they’re small steps. I’m going to stop allowing things to happen to me and start confronting. I’m going to start telling people my feelings, little by little. It’s gonna take a whole lot of time. I might find myself losing a bunch of hope but…

A week ago I couldn’t even picture myself making that phone call. To myself, I literally did the impossible. We never really know what we’re capable of.

Why stop before trying?


Also, side note lol, the lady I talked to on the phone was super nice. I could understand her and she never seemed to get upset with me or seem pissed off. I literally told her the dates and times and she was like, “Yep, okay. Got it!” She told me to have a nice day and I told her the same. It really was a weight off my worries and in the end, I was like “See that wasn’t so bad Rebecca! I’m so proud of you! (YES I talk to myself like this, do you have a problem? Lol)”

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honestly… i’m movin’ on

Maybe I should be honest with you guys, right?

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been frequently posting on my blog (please don’t check my “July 2017” archives lol I don’t even know what happened…) and going to my blog as a security blanket.

I mean, there were times where I always went to this blog as a security blanket but, for a while, that feeling went away and instead of venting to my blog I found other ways to let out my emotions.

But I missed blogging. I missed writing.

Anyway, this isn’t about blogging. This is about what happened so hopefully I can move on from it.

There’s a huge, major reason that I came back to my blog. It wasn’t only because I missed blogging/writing. It was because something happened and I needed to vent. My other sources that I usually used to vent weren’t enough… because what happened was something that couldn’t take a few days or even weeks to recover from.

And I haven’t hidden what that “thing that happened” was. I’ve actually been very vocal about it. It has been a major part of my blog in the past few weeks since I’ve been more active.

I think you all know the thing that happened and who it involves… I mean you can all say it with me: It was and is about Phoenix. (Ohkayy 7 letters. That’s very creepy. It’s weird because the 7 letter name thing is something I’ve never noticed. His real name has 7 letters. My name has 7 letters. The past 2 guys I’ve had crushes on have 7 letters in their name… I overthink too much lol anywayyy)

Wait! Before you click out of this post… because I know the majority of my posts have been about him. This isn’t gonna be another vague post.

I’m not going to apologize for talking about him excessively. Because I need to vent my feelings here and there.

I want to apologize for never being honest. 

The thing that happened with him at the start of August… I’ve never talked about it. I’ve never talked about it in context. I haven’t been able to talk to you guys about it. Even though I made posts and poems and all that… I’ve been talking to him through my blog but never to you guys.

I’ve been using the “you” pronoun concerning my posts about him, instead of the “him” pronoun. Yes, it does help me when it feels like I directly talked to him. But it’s like I’m excluding you guys. I know some of you might not care what happened. But as this blog has grown I’ve always shared stories with everyone here and that’s what has made the connection personal. But if I keep talking to him, it’s like I’m losing my relationship with all the lovely people who read my material… in a sense? Does that make sense? I don’t know. I just want to be honest with what happened.

And up until this point, I didn’t want to be honest with you guys about what happened or say directly what happened… because I didn’t want it to actually be real. I thought if I didn’t state what happened or say it with full context and detail then what happened with Phoenix would be a lie. Instead, I told you guys that him and I “aren’t on good terms.” But that’s not even the half of it.

I realized it’s not helping me dancing around what actually happened. What happened is real. And I haven’t been facing it. I haven’t been talking about it. I haven’t been honest with even myself.

So it’s time to say what happened and not sugar coat it or tell you a metaphor.

The reason I needed to vent since the start of August… which some of you might have already figured out is… Phoenix has a new girlfriend. 

I don’t know how many of you know exactly know who Phoenix is, if you want to know there’s a category for him on my blog… but in short, how do I say it in short? Last year, at the beginning of junior year I started getting feelings for him and he was different because he was a good guy, he was genuine and nice “without any strings” as I would’ve said in the past. He was different because he asked me about my anxiety and told me he would be there for me and we actually hung out just the two of us. But I was… I’ve been… I am? Idk. I’m in the friendzone and I had no idea how he felt about me.

But there were things he would do that made me (not only me but my friends also) question his true feelings… like the anxiety. Most people don’t like talking about mental disorders, but he wanted to know what my fears and worries were. He wanted to know about things of my past. He wanted to make sure I was comfortable with him. He brushed my hair out of my face multiple times. He tickled me so that I would put my head on his shoulder. He wanted to spend more time with me… once he even sacrificed a few hours of soccer practice (soccer is his one true passion and love) just to spend a couple more hours with me because he made the point that he doesn’t see me as much as he practices soccer. He used to want to know so much about me and my day. He wanted me to be happy. He said that my laugh was like a melody. Whenever he saw me in school he would stop me and want to talk to me even if it was my lunch period and he would be late to class. He opened up to me… he told me an hour long story about his past and he shared a piece of himself with me. He knew I never left my house much and he wanted to be that side of adventure for me. My parents got mad because on one of my hangouts with him we both lost track of time and I came home at dark and he felt bad and I told him it’s okay because it was worth it to spend time together and he agreed. But he didn’t just agree or say “same” like any other teenager. He said, “I think it was worth it too.” He didn’t have to say my whole phrase over again but he did and that’s just how he was… his word choice, his actions, his personality, how he responded to my actions and words… it was all just a jumbled mess.

It all added to the confusion. It was because of all the things said above (and much more) that made the impossibility of him liking me seem possible. That made the insecurity of someone never being able to like me seem obliterated for a second. But I mean (NOT TO SOUND EGOTISTICAL or be all matter-of-fact) a few people have liked me in the past. But none of those people liked me for who I was because it was just a once-glance crush. They liked me because of my looks not because they got to know me. But if the signs above proved favorable and he actually liked me for who I am… it would be a game-changer. We spent months getting to know each other. No one I have ever liked and vibed with, none of them have ever liked me back. The possibility of someone I like actually liking me back? Honestly, it scared me. But I could have crossed that bridge if I ever came to it… but I never came to it.

I mean, maybe the stuff he did was him just being a good friend. But honestly? He hasn’t been a good friend for the past month or so. I mean I’m not one who wants to say bye to friendships. I would have sacrificed my feelings for the sake of our friendship if it was worth it.

Actually, I already did. When I started liking him or feeling things he was dating someone and I toned down whatever I was feeling because I wanted his friendship. But nowadays? He hasn’t been that great of a friend as he used to be.

He always cancels on me last minute. There was a time we were supposed to hang out this one day and I didn’t hear from him AT ALL. I was just hopelessly wasting hours away hoping his name popped up on my phone. With my anxiety, that day wasn’t easy for me. And when I asked him about it (I had to ask him about it, he didn’t care enough to tell me what happened) he said he canceled it (mentally) and forgot to notify me. Is that the action of someone who cares about you? I didn’t even get an explanation until I asked for it. And lately, he’s been leaving me on read. He never used to do that. There were times where he felt bad about leaving me on read and every conversation I had with him recently it’s like I worry that this is the last time I would hear from him that week. He used to respond to me in paragraphs and never seemed to mind but now it’s just sentences full of insults. He also lies. He tells me he’s going to reply to a message of mine and he never does. The fact that he might take a long time doesn’t bother me, it’s the fact that he tells me he’s going to and he doesn’t.

It’s not the thought that counts, it’s the action. We haven’t had a real conversation for a few weeks. All we do is insult each other and banter. I want to ask him how he is and how his life is, but he doesn’t ask that of me anymore.  He used to say “Good morning” to me.  He doesn’t do that stuff anymore. And it just gives me anxiety. I feel like if I asked that of him I would be bothering him. Plus, why would I ask him when he doesn’t even realize that him leaving me on read actually hurts?

He gives me the worst anxiety. Because I worry and I’m scared. I’m scared that I did something to him but I don’t know if I did something. Whenever he left me on read, I would think “Is this my fault? Did I say something?” And then I start overthinking and seeing it as my fault. I start thinking, “I shouldn’t have said that! If I said this, he would still be talking to me.”

But that’s not healthy. Something has happened in the past few months to “us.” There was the chapstick thing. But all that was resolved. I wanted to still be his friend so I forgave him for that.

But, I think the friendship has been rocky for a while now, way before finding out about his girlfriend. I just didn’t want to accept it because I had so much hope that he liked me back. I mean imagine having all those moments on repeat and replay in your head. It definitely didn’t help. Plus all my friends were like a third party and they were all like, “No, a “just friend” doesn’t do that. He definitely likes you!” That didn’t help but I’m definitely not blaming my friends. They’re all my rock through this.

The whole thing was messy. Even though I don’t want to accept that it was.

I mean he was “best friends” with his ex. My heart broke every time I saw them in the hallway. But I mean? They picked each other up after class like they were still together. And on two occasions he stopped in the middle of a conversation to talk to her. My friend even thought there was something more and they would get back together. Why did I keep falling for him? I should’ve fallen for a guy who… like the high school scenario, he would be like “Hey, can I walk you to class? (bruh we had 4 of the same classes together first semester he could’ve done that)” Lol I know, unrealistic. But still. That should be what I fall for. I shouldn’t have fallen for a guy who I know would never ask me to walk with him to his next class.

He did notice I had anxiety but… he didn’t care that much when I talked about it. If he knew what my anxiety was like he would know that his actions give me the worst anxiety. I always think I’m bothering him. Back in February, he said that if I ever felt that way he wouldn’t be a good friend. But a lot has happened since then.

There were moments where I got headaches because I just wanted the whole feeling train to stop. I just wanted to stop talking to him sometimes. I just wished that I let him lose focus sometimes. Because sometimes he was just a. complete. jerk.

I think getting his snapchat and number might’ve been a bad idea looking back at it. I mean, the first few months it was so nice to talk to him and have an ongoing conversation. It definitely made me smile seeing that he texted me. But for the past few weeks, it’s been torture.

There’s a difference between talking to people in real life and virtually, right? Well, virtual “Him” wasn’t all that great. I remember there was a post I wrote about this subject. I said that I don’t really like texting because people can be and say whatever they want behind a screen… and that was him.

He said anything without feeling the effects of it. He would make unrealistic promises: he said that we should see the stars someday this semester or summer— we never talked about it again… and so many other things my heart believed were true. He would say that he cared about me and he “wouldn’t give up on me.” He just said things. I never could believe it after the chapstick thing. But I could believe what he said in person… that felt like the truth because there was no screen to hide behind and he hates fake people. But looking at it now, now that he has a girlfriend, his words and actions, from the in person him, feel like a lie too.

And something that really pissed me off when texting him. Whenever I told him about real feelings and emotions he turned it into a joke or he said “Awww” like I was a dog doing a cute trick.

Our relationship wasn’t ever perfect. But when I found out he had a girlfriend it was like a wake-up call and a breaking point.

It was a Friday. Another reason I don’t want his snapchat: He always posts his feelings and vague stuff on there and it’s getting tiring. One day he posted this on his story: “I only wish I kissed you in the rain.” One of my friends is friends with both Phoenix and I, and she sent what he said to me. I kind of freaked out because whenever we hung out it was lowkey raining. But it also rained really hard the day he posted that on his story. My friend told me that she asked him who it was about.

Whoever it was about, I knew that things were going to change. (It’s funny because I sent him a message the same day my friend sent him that message. And it’s just like him that he responded to her in the same day while he responded to me two days later)

Then just as I was going to go to sleep, I check my phone. My friend texted me.

Three words. In three words he broke my heart. My friend asked him “I wonder who this is about?” He says, “My girlfriend lol.” 

Like I said before, he’s pretty vocal on snapchat. I always thought if he was to get in a new relationship he would put it on his story. But there was nothing. Even my friend didn’t know about his girlfriend and she knows pretty much everything about kids in our school.

So this is great to hear.. That night I felt horrible. I felt like throwing up my dinner and I felt a deep sadness. I even cried, I don’t usually cry when it involves crushes and stuff but this actually hurt. I actually wondered what I did wrong. That was one of the worst nights of my life.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for my friends I wouldn’t have made it through. That’s not even sugar coating anything. If they weren’t there at midnight I would have thrown up.

Then like I said he didn’t respond to my message until two days later. My friends told me I should keep distance I didn’t even want to see his name on my phone. I left him on read for once. Knowing that he has a girlfriend, I don’t even know what to make of his banter anymore. That’s all I am to him now. I’m just a back and forth, just someone to outmatch. He doesn’t ask me how my day is or how I’m doing anymore. It’s all different.

It hurts.

I don’t know who might’ve read this: Watching the clouds with you

That post is about our second hangout and it was near the end of June. I’m not forcing you to read it but imagine going through all these emotions and feelings that I wrote about in the post… and then two months later you find out all that hope and happiness… it’s obliterated.

Whilst I was falling for him harder, he was falling for someone else. 

I don’t know when he started dating her but does it matter? He still played with my feelings.

I even convinced myself that “she” didn’t exist. But why would he lie? She does exist. And I’m not doing myself any favors believing there is no girlfriend.

That’s why I’m typing up this post 3 weeks later. I need to accept it. In order to move on.

Because I want to move on. 

I don’t want to keep falling for him. There were reasons to let him go before I heard of a girlfriend but it took him having a girlfriend to open up my eyes. Him having a girlfriend made me not forgive the bs anymore and that’s good because I was forgiving too much bs for the sake of my feelings. 

I shouldn’t need to worry and wonder whether he cares about me… I should know.

I never wanted to type up this story on my blog honestly. I didn’t even want to tell you guys about him having a girlfriend. Because, again, I thought doing so would make him having a girlfriend be false. But I say everything on this blog and if I don’t say this story out loud on my blog… I still have hope for him and I’m still letting him control a piece of me. 

When really I shouldn’t have hope for him.

He made me overthink. He made me wonder if a thousand things were my fault. He made me go back and forth so many times.

And I have been through too much to have to go through this.

I hope that this doesn’t sound shallow of me to say but… I don’t deserve this.

I want to move on. I want to. I need to. I can’t keep these tears that are rolling down on my face. I can’t keep wondering “What if.” Things happened the way they did for a reason. I can’t keep hoping. There are more things I want to hope for.

There’s more I want to think about than the memories of us together. He reminded me what it was like to fall again. He showed me that guys can actually care about you and want to know more about you.

But the person who stays is worth your time. He didn’t stay, he never did.

There was a time where he seemed so perfect. But that was the problem. No one is ever perfect. All relationships have their ups and downs.

But if a person is messing with your mental health and you’re not even sure if they care about you, that’s when it should get personal.

These tears. This anxiety I have over him. This overthinking. I don’t need it. After all that I’ve been through and am going through. I don’t deserve it. He doesn’t get to do this. I shouldn’t let him.

Honestly? I’m movin’ on.

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a broken girl’s Prayer

Dear God,

I know I haven’t been the best daughter to you.

And even sometimes I find myself forgetting that You’re there for me.

But right now, I really need You.

It’s happened again.

And again I don’t know what to do.

You’re the only one who loves me even in difficult times.

Please help me.

I don’t want this to keep controlling me.

I shouldn’t center so much of my attention on someone who isn’t You.

You deserve all my attention because You never leave.

I never have to doubt You.

I never wonder where You are.

I don’t have to question Your intentions.

But Lord, why isn’t that enough for me?

Why do all these people who hurt me affect me so much?

Why do they affect me to a point where I feel the need to be mad at You?

It’s not Your fault.

So tonight Lord, I am asking you to please fix me.

Fix this sick mentality that I have, that I can control no longer.

Take over this life for me.

Open my eyes to let me see that Your love is and always will be enough.

Help me be grateful for the lessons you have to give and the emotions You need me to feel.

Help me be the person I am intended to be.

I’m holding on Father. Because I know what you have planned for me is bigger than the sadness I feel now.

I shouldn’t be afraid or worry.

I should just trust in You because I know, for a fact, that you won’t let me down.

I love you.

Amen.

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