Rant: I’m GROWING UP??!?

As hard as it is to believe, I am.

Excuse me is there some time genie I could talk to about this? Because…

06.21.17

I GOT MY FRICKIN LICENSE!!!

Of course, I was so nervous and I blanked out when I had to start the car (fortunately they didn’t test me on that).

But my uncle knew I was nervous and he eased my nerves. Practicing with him has helped me a lot (I mean compared to my dad’s teaching yelling, yes, my uncle has helped me a lot). He prayed for me before the test and he kept me calm. And the moment I passed he gave me a side hug and told me that he knew I could do it.

So during the test, I was a shaky mess. But I kept under the speed limit and kept within the lines, and parked very nicely. The lady wasn’t mean, she was very calm. When she said the words, “You passed.” I couldn’t really believe it because she said like it was something casual and she like packed it in with the rest of what she said, so the “You passed” was packed in with everything else she said. But once I registered it, it was like “Wait, what? Did you just say I passed? I passed?!?” I was smiling so much, everyone in front of the motor vehicle place was staring at me like “Why is this girl smiling she’s literally walking into the place where time stands still (because it literally does)?”

Even though I was really happy, the place really killed my vibe. I waited until the place closed aka 2 hours later. I was cold and hungry. I really don’t know what happened. They never called my ticket number. By the time I went to the counter and the lady (who I have to say, was extremely nice) asked me “Are you excited to get your license?” I responded with excitement, or at least I tried to… the near-hypothermia might’ve messed up the excitement.

But on Monday, I got my license in the mail and I’m so so so happy.

06.28.17

I took my senior pictures!!

I had to go to school early for this college workshop at like 10 until 12 then I had to go for my pictures at 1:15. So what would I do for an hour and 15 minutes? I went to Macdonald’s. It was so nice. I just spent time with myself sipping a smoothie. But I didn’t feel lonely. It was so nice to just be in that moment with myself.

Lol then I had to do my makeup in a Macdonald’s bathroom. But can I just say that the one near my school, the one I went to, they play some really good music. Lol I felt so pumped and confident while I put my makeup on.

Then I went back to school to take the pictures. You know what they were playing when I walked in? A Fifth Harmony song. They were playing Fifth. Harmony. It’s like they knew I was coming lol. It turned out really good. The photographer was really nice and he actually showed me the pictures and I looked so grown up that I had to take a reality check and ask myself “Woah, wait, that’s really me?”

So yeah that’s been the growing up that I’ve done so far. Honestly, I’m not freaking out like “Nooooo, I don’t want to grow up!” I’m kind of finding myself easing into all of this day by day. Like I”m growing up, finally. I’m maturing. I’m becoming who I am.

I mean I had anxiety in both instances. Mostly in the second instance because no one was there with me. But I made it through. I made it through? Agh I did!

Future, here I come?

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all it takes is a day for things to happen.

I met you again on a Monday.

It was a weird day for me.

It was confirmed that we had four classes together that semester on a Tuesday.

Purely coincidental, right?

I realized that I started harboring feelings for you on a Saturday.

Was it only because I wanted to get over someone?

You remembered me on a Friday.

It was weird for us to be talking again for the first time in 2 years.

You smiled at me for the first time on a Friday.

We had Spanish presentations that day.

You said “Hello” to me on a Friday.

And that’s the moment I knew I was in for a long ride.

I saw you with your girlfriend outside the door of our first period class on a Tuesday.

And my heart broke in a way I didn’t ever want to feel again (but still keep feeling).

I told my other best friend that I like you on a Sunday.

I guess that’s when it became real.

I had to sit next to you in class on a Thursday.

Because the seat next to my best friend was taken.

I gave you the binder that you left in class on a Thursday.

But I never told you it was me.

I liked having a conversation with you on a Thursday.

It was awkward for me at first but you were still the same nice person from freshman year.

You moved to the right in the front of the room for me so that I could be able to stand next to you and see (because I’m short) on a Friday.

And I still don’t know what made you do that.

I realized you started bringing me happiness on a Tuesday.

And I vented to my best friend about how you would never break up with your girlfriend and it was hopeless.

You told me not to give up on a project on a Thursday.

So I didn’t.

I realized I couldn’t do anything about my feelings on a Tuesday.

Your smile and the way you looked at me didn’t help.

I found out that you broke up with your girlfriend on a Wednesday.

It was hard to believe, I didn’t think it would actually happen.

My friend told me to get your number on a Saturday.

And I thought how would that ever happen.

You accidentally bumped into me on a Thursday.

And it was hilarious because you felt so bad and thought you had crushed me.

I figured out our friendship was platonic on a Thursday.

And it hurt me.

I realized I didn’t want to lose your friendship on a Friday.

So I held on, even with my feelings, because of who you were.

Our Spanish teacher assigned your seat right in front of me on a Friday.

And I knew life was laughing at me somewhere.

You smiled at me for the hundredth (I didn’t actually count) time on a Thursday.

That’s when I realized that could be the one thing that could kill me.

Your ex-girlfriend got yelled at by her friends for not wearing her jacket on a Thursday.

She didn’t have it because you had it and my heart broke for the ______ time.

I listened to sad music and created a playlist on Spotify on a Thursday.

Because it hurt so damn much.

I had to avoid you and be abrupt with your questions in Photography class on a Friday.

But I had to ask you for help in that class and you cared.

We had a full conversation in class on a Friday.

It helped but I was very confused.

I got your snapchat on a Friday.

But only because my best friend wanted the pictures of the Spanish packet that you discreetly took on your phone.

I messaged you first on a Saturday.

That’s when our first text conversation began.

You made fun of how I almost fell off the hill on a Friday.

And I wanted to make you fall.

You stopped our conversation and left my side to go talk to her on a Friday.

Of course, why would you keep talking to me?

You asked me if I had depression on a Wednesday.

I told you the truth about my anxiety and knew that this wouldn’t be an easy crush.

I opened up about my anxiety to you on a Saturday.

And it was weird for me.

You told me you were interested in who I was on a Sunday.

And if my anxiety was convincing me that I was bothering you- you wouldn’t be doing your job as a good friend.

I found out we had no classes together in second semester on a Monday.

I felt my heart drop and questioned life’s intentions.

I told you that I was upset about it on a Monday.

I can’t believe I was that comfortable with you to tell you that.

You told me you would never forget me and that we would still message each other on a Tuesday.

It made me feel better.

You got yelled at by her to hurry up on a Wednesday.

And one of my classmates/friends asked me if you were back together with her.

You sat next to me in class on a Thursday.

Because that would be our last class that we had together, but the 45 minutes went by too fast.

My best friend told you that I could sing on a Friday.

And you said you were gonna hear me sing one day or another.

The new semester began on a Monday.

It broke my heart not to see you every day in my classes.

I missed you especially in Spanish class on a Monday.

Because you made that class bearable.

I saw you on the staircase with your new haircut on a Tuesday.

And I yelled at you for not responding to my message.

I saw you walking with her on a Tuesday.

And I knew, for a fact, that you would never miss me as much as I miss you.

I asked you how you would feel if our friendship ended on a Thursday.

And you told me you would be sad, real sad.

I thought my anxiety messed up our friendship on a Monday.

Because I was overthinking the fact that you didn’t talk to me for a week because your messaging wasn’t working.

I realized that I was scared on a Monday.

I was scared to lose you.

I told one of my friends who’s also your friend that I liked you on a Monday.

And she told me that you never got back together with her, you were just best friends with her.

I thought you weren’t trying anymore in our friendship on a Friday.

Did you even want to hang out and see me?

I turned around to talk to my friend just so you wouldn’t talk to me on a Friday.

Because I needed to protect my heart.

You told me you had your college life planned out already on a Sunday.

And I was jealous because I didn’t even know where I would want to go to college.

You hugged me on a Monday.

And my heart wouldn’t stop palpitating for 10 minutes.

You told me my sarcasm makes you laugh on a Thursday.

I really was growing comfortable with you.

You told me that we should go to Ethiopia and India on a Monday.

But it was just for the conversation, right?

You told me we should text shorter to each other on a Friday.

So that we would be able to have time to talk more.

You told me you wanted to watch the school play with me on a Thursday.

But we both had conflicting schedules and I told you that there would be other opportunities for us to hang out.

I gave you a nickname on a Saturday.

And you were already finding ideas for mine.

I told you that fake people don’t know the real me and think I’m quiet on a Saturday.

You told me that must mean I’m comfortable with you and we’re comfortable with each other.

You gave me a nickname on Sunday.

And we figured out that we had a lot in common, like finding puns hilarious.

You told me that instead of planning to go to the play we should’ve gone to see a beautiful sunset on a Monday.

I told you I want to escape from the city and see the stars and you agreed that that should be our goal for the semester/summer.

You gave me candy on a Monday.

I have horrible eye-to-hand coordination so you had to throw it into the hoodie of my jacket.

I saw you on the staircase and you stopped me from going to lunch to have a short conversation on a Monday.

You asked me if I wanted to hang out with you over spring break, making you late to class.

You told me that whenever we see each other briefly at school and have our little talks away from texting it makes your day on a Monday.

You really aren’t helping me.

You told me you felt bad because you went to Chipotle and couldn’t buy me anything because you didn’t have enough cash on a Monday.

Did you really think of me or were you just saying that?

I told you I had a crappy day and you told me that you hope my smile is saved for Tuesday.

In a platonic way, right?

You told me you drove illegally to Chipotle on a Wednesday.

You’re such a bad influence and I thought I had to make sure to give you a bit of my good influence.

You told me you were sad that you didn’t see me on the last day of school before spring break on a Friday.

You claimed that you would pick me up and I told you I was not looking forward to being thrown like a football.

I replied to you shortly while I was in my dark hole on a Monday.

I had a little hope that you would ask me what’s wrong but thought it was just another one of my mind’s impossible realities.

You asked me what’s wrong on a Monday.

I dropped my phone; you weren’t actually supposed to make my mind’s fantasies to come true.

You told me you had to make sure that I knew that you cared on a Wednesday.

And that you would be there when I was ready to open up to you. Liar.

I messaged you my childhood pictures because you wanted to see them on a Thursday.

You thought I was so cute and I asked for your childhood pictures too.

I went into my dark hole again and I opened up to you on a Friday.

My mistake for actually thinking that you would be there and you actually cared.

You read my message without a reply on a Saturday.

And I ruined myself waiting for you to reply because I was vulnerable.

You sent me a message the night before school on a Monday.

I didn’t open it because I was a pissed you left me hanging for two days.

I opened your message on a Wednesday.

And it had nothing to do with me opening up to you.

I told people I could trust how you responded to me opening up to you on a Thursday.

And they told me I deserve better and to move on.

I blamed myself for the whole thing on a Friday.

Because if I didn’t open up to you we would still be talking like we normally do.

I asked my friend if I should be upfront with you about the whole thing on a Saturday.

She told me not to bring it up and to just start a new conversation, so I did.

I started a new conversation on a Saturday.

And I wonder if I didn’t start a new conversation, would you have even cared? Did it even phase you that we hadn’t talked for 3 days?

My friend told me that if you hurt me again she would fight you on a Saturday.

I trusted that you wouldn’t because I knew who you were. I was wrong. I don’t know who you are anymore.

We had a conversation on a Sunday.

But it felt weird, you weren’t responding like you used to.

I opened a message of yours on a Monday.

And you put no effort into replying to what I had to say. Your paragraphs turned into uninterested short sentences.

I cried because of you on a Monday.

Because did I ruin us? Or was I fool for thinking that you actually cared about me?

You opened my message on a Monday.

And you didn’t reply, nothing new.

You replied to me on a Wednesday.

It took you two days to give me your two-second, half-assed reply.

My friends saw you with her on a Wednesday.

I thought why am I even trying anymore when you don’t care.

I saw you on a Thursday.

But how could you expect me to look directly into your eyes? I couldn’t. I had to leave fast.

I overthink about you every day.

Nothing has or will ever change that.

It’s funny how so much can happen in a mere day.

How a friendship can be made.

How feelings can be developed.

But also, how everything can come crashing down.

I’m writing this about the two of us on a Saturday.

Is it the end of us? Was there ever an us?

«Music Saturday»

Rockabye by Clean Bandit ft. Sean Paul & Anne-Marie 

Runnin’ Home to You by Grant Gustin 

No Promises by Cheat Codes ft. Demi Lovato

If This is Love by Ruth B

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happiness

What is happiness?

Is it a feeling?

Is it an emotion?

Is it a gift?

Is it something that I can have?

A little girl unwraps her birthday present.

That’s happiness.

A little boy gets pushed on the swings.

That’s happiness.

Someone so small doesn’t even think of the depths of this emotion.

In this department, little kids are very smart.

They don’t think about it too much, so they can achieve it.

They achieve a happiness most of us can hardly fathom, why? Because they don’t over analyze their happiness.

But when we were kids we didn’t even consider happiness and the real depth of it. We just believed happiness was a smile and a fun play day.

Why is it so hard to get happiness now?

I used to think that the only way I could receive happiness was to just be patient, happiness would be destined in my future, when I meet the love of my life and am working at the job that I love.

But there was a flaw in that way of thinking: Does that ultimately mean I can’t be happy now, in the present?

That thinking was stupid. That thinking could compare to someone waiting outside on a sunny day with an umbrella because they’re waiting for it to rain.

Happiness isn’t something you wait for, it’s something you can get now.

It’s something you’re grateful for.

It’s looking at the life you have and finding the small pieces of it that are great and being unfazed by the bad pieces.

Happiness can be found now. It is not only something that was found in your past, or something you hope for in your future. It’s something you can get now.

It just needs to be found under all that rubble and debris.

It’ll take a whole lot of time, but it’ll be worth it. It is not impossible.

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nostalgia and being lost

Saturdays are very nostalgic for me.

Do you ever think about how life was and how it is now? How drastically life has changed?

I mean life has drastically changed for me. Being in high school has changed me in so many different ways.

I remember before I went into high school, I thought I knew everything I needed to know. Being the “big kids” of a middle school will deepen your ego like that. Being an 8th grader sort of created this attitude that I was as mature as I needed to be. But, was I wrong. I knew nothing.

As soon as I entered high school I was like a little Bambi looking for his mama. (To be honest, I didn’t know Bambi was a boy lol) I was so lost and so confused, not only physically (my high school is huge) but emotionally and mentally. I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be. I didn’t know anything about myself.

But, that changed as time went on. I discovered who I was/am and who I wanted to be. I changed from a lost boy into a Wendy (how are my metaphors? Lol).

High school does that to you. It changes you, but in a good way.

And what i figured out is that it changes others too.

I sometimes see my old school classmates when I go to church, and that creates this nostalgia for me of how life used to be: simple.

Although, they don’t really talk to me anymore. Those teenagers…

It’s just so overwhelming to go back to the past and think about how your life used to be. And to also think about the people who used to make you smile and laugh, even for a mere second.

I mean, I grew up with those people and it would be weird not to get nostalgic over it.

Sometimes, it’s hard to believe how drastic life has changed. How much I’ve changed. How much they’ve changed.

Would I go back to how things used to be?

Nope.

Because as much as I “think” I would want to go back to simpler times, I was still lost. I didn’t know anything. And I wouldn’t change my knowledge for simpler times. Also, as much as I don’t want to believe it, the past wasn’t always that great. I was lost, like I said. But I was lost in this mundane cycle of no change. I just kept doing the same thing over and over again and I never learned anything new.

I’m happy with the present, and if the present brings nostalgia then so be it. But nostalgia is better than being lost in my book any day.

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Looking for Love, When It Was Already There

They told me,

“Darling, love is all you need,

it can change rain into sun,

gloomy into a clear sky,

it can carry you through,

it can make everything painful seem bearable.

All you gotta do is find it.

But, sometimes, it will find you.”

So I started looking for it.

I didn’t want to be lonely in life so I started young.

In kindergarten I had my first crush.

But it wasn’t love.

It was looks, and love isn’t looks.

Then at the end of the grade, he left.

In first grade, I stumbled upon another crush.

But the situation was the same.

He also left.

In 3rd grade, the same thing happened.

It was the exact same thing as the first two.

But the problem was that he didn’t leave.

Which meant my crush didn’t leave either.

It lasted until 7th grade when he left as well.

And I got heartbroken over a crush.

Then comes 8th grade, where a new crush comes in.

But this time, it’s different.

Looks are just a factor.

I figure out that personality is what I fell for this time, and it should’ve been what I fell for all those other times.

This time, we both left.

The school only went from kindergarten to 8th grade.

And once 8th grade ended, we both left, but I still liked him, which is different from the above three.

And I wasted my years headstrong about the depiction of love on a wrong guy.

I finally understood how the heart can manipulate the mind, by thinking that a jerk who only plays with a girl’s heart is my hero.

Because that’s the only thing he wanted to do. He only wanted to play the game.

My heart was broken and my heart never felt like moving on.

Until, this year.

Junior year.

I’m falling for a guy that I’ve known since freshman year.

Why does my heart constantly need to like someone?

Is it looking for love.

You know, in movies and shows and people and just life itself,

they teach you that love is found in someone else.

By some guy who’s gonna “save my life.”

But how come they never told me to love myself?

How come it was such a late idea?

When I was a little girl, all I saw were Disney princess movies.

How come there were only movies around where the perfect prince would come and save the princess?

How come I was never taught to love myself?

Why isn’t that a bigger deal?

How come on Valentine’s day we aren’t taught to love ourselves.

If we do and we admit that, then why are we seen as loners?

I wasted so many years, looking for love or for the depiction of it,

when it was just the girl staring back at me. All this time.

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Monday

M0nday.

The day we’re all accustomed to hate.

The day the week starts it’s turmoil of work.

No sleep.

Running on half breakfasts and dark eye circles.

Free time is just a dream.

A small nap isn’t an option.

The day that everything seems to reset.

The feeling of dread revives.

4 more days. Just 4 more days. But they seem so far away.

Monday is always glorified as a horrible day.

But, that doesn’t mean we have to see it that way.

 Maybe we should give Monday a chance?

I didn’t have the best Monday today, but that shouldn’t make it into this huge generalization that Mondays are horrible.

What about all the good things that happened on a Monday?

I was born on a Monday! When I realized that, I thought it was ridiculous… because I hated Mondays… hate.

But I’m really trying Monday.

It’s just that Monday is literally a bad wake up call.

After a weekend of blissful and interrupted sleep, bam, Monday.

But Monday should be happy day, we should be excited about a new week.

I’ve realized that I’ve been so focused counting my days til Friday, when in reality, I’m losing my days.

Life is precious, these days just come and go and I’m wasting them wishing it was another day, which shouldn’t be normal.

Monday shouldn’t be a “Hi, I’m Grumpy” it should be a “I’m ready to start a new week of experience.”

And believe me, I wouldn’t blame you if it’s not easy for you, it definitely will not be easy for me to follow my own advice, but I’ll take it week by week, Monday by Monday.

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