love and hate: rain.

believe it or not, but I…

used to hate the rain.

I found it hard to even type that.

Now, before you come at me with your “What the heck Rebecca? How do you hate the rain?”

Just hear me out.

Look at that word usage, “used to” meaning I thankfully don’t hate it anymore.

But my relationship with the rain has been a hate and now love one.

And the best loves are the ones you hate at first, right? (No one ever said that don’t quote me lol. In this kind of situation, it’s true. In others, get the hell out.)

Why did I use to hate the rain?

I was a kid. I think that’s a solid argument.

What do kids want to do most of the time? Play.

Of course, I wanted to play outside, not sulk inside because of the rain.

The rain ruined my happiness. Plus, the appearance. It was always gloomy and brought my mood down.

I even remember this one time, as a preteen, when my friends had this group text conversation. Two of my friends loved the rain and I was just like “Wait… what? Noooo the rain is crap! I want to go outside, it’s ruining my plans.” (I was in seventh grade, please don’t blame me)

But yes, there was an actual time when the rain was my enemy. I mean I wouldn’t say, an enemy it wasn’t the spawn of the devil… I just didn’t like it. It wasn’t my favorite.

Then a few years pass and I start going through hormones (ew puberty) and emotions. I’m no longer a child. And all the dark thoughts and emotions start coming in.

I still don’t like the rain but I don’t hate it either… does that make sense? It was like my feelings were now nearing the middle of the “hate” and “love” spectrum,  maybe even inching close to love?

But the rain wasn’t my best friend. Whenever it rained and I already felt down inside it was like an extra reason as to feel crappy. Like the world needed to remind me that I felt like crap inside. It brought me more pain.

Then, recently, a guy came along. And yes, this is the recent guy I always talk about. But this post isn’t about him so I won’t say his pseudonym but my involvement with that whole thing does relate to rain.

He brought the rain for me. He was the rain to me. He brought me to tears and gave me pain.

I remember when I stopped talking to him for two weeks and it rained a majority of those two weeks (it was April showers season, but I still think it’s a sign).

Those two weeks are how I came to love rain, like really love it. When I got a love for photography my freshman year I saw rain as beautiful and pretty but the two weeks the guy broke my heart, I truly loved rain.

I started loving it because it connected with me.

Yes, I felt like crap inside but the rain wasn’t really “making fun” of it, like I used to see rain as doing to my pain before.

No, it’s like the rain was with me. It’s pain was shared with mine. The world cried and I cried and I don’t know call me weird… but it’s like the world was sharing in my pain. Whenever it rained, I felt okay. Why? Because the world was sad too.

It felt okay for me to feel sad and to cry because the world was too.

Now, the rain is like my best friend. It calms the storm in me… no matter how ironic that might be.

It makes the pain and heartbreak okay for some reason. The way it looks… and sounds… just makes life feel okay for a moment.

And I no longer relate rain to sadness. Because it’s not true anymore. Rain isn’t sadness. It’s happiness. It’s serenity. It’s calmness.

It’s the feeling that even through all the pain and the tears, everything is gonna be okay. Sometimes the tears just have to flow and you need to let it all out.

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Quotes from My Social Media When I Was a Preteen: DEEP EDITION

Ok, WHO LET ME HAVE A SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNT AS A KID??

Lol, really?

Because I went through all my past tweets and wow… Lol, a majority of what I tweeted about was homework being boring and school seemingly never-ending. To be honest, this young girl did not know stress even though she was complaining 24/7.

So, I’ve been doing this thing where I gather all my quotes and put it in a journal because I want it to all be in one place. I did this for all my poems on Tumblr and now I did it for my Twitter.

But guys… I did not expect all my tweets to be so cringe-worthy, funny, etc. I literally had those two emotions the most reading through all of them like “I said that?”

But Young Rebecca was as deep in her feelings almost as much as this Rebecca. Why? I don’t know… fanfiction maybe? I watched A LOT of rom-coms as a kid.

But I also was… psh was, I still am, not to be egotistical ya know lol. But I was funny as a kid like I am now *attempts hair-flip* But the funny tweets I have saved for another day because this is… *drum-roll*

THE DEEP EDITION OF YOUNG REBECCA’S TWEETS:

Lol, most of these originate as early as 2012. Buckle in because most of these, I don’t even know what I was going through to be tweeting something like this as a kid but here we gooo… (I might add little comments in between)

ITALICIZED AND BOLD: Young Tweeter Rebecca

NORMAL TEXT: Present Rebecca (Wow, I don’t get any special fonts or such? … sorry it would be confusing. Am I arguing with myself? …Possibly… Because it relates to the rest of this post like how I’m talking to my younger self, ya see how I fit that in? Just get on with the post bruh… ok lol)

  • “i guess people don’t look on the inside. they’re too focused on the outside to care.”
    • I knew this was a good tweet because one of the “popular kids” who used to follow me (who rudely unfollowed me) retweeted this and I got excited. It’s kinda sad what excited me back then but I really like the quote. It deserves snaps like after a poem… ok I’ll stop.
  • “i do hate you but i don’t want to let go of you.”
    • The funny thing is, I honestly have no idea who this is about. The date of this tweet was before my 1st major crush soooo… really have no idea lol.
  • “am i talking to you, or a stranger? do I still know you? or have we forgotten each other? did i really know the real you? we’ve drifted apart?”
    • It’s coincidental how relatable this is at the moment.
  • “when it seems like it’s not reality, i wake up from the dream of life and fantasy.”
    • I really don’t though lol
  • “if you couldn’t care less, then why are you thinking about it now?”
    • Damn. Is Young Rebecca coming for my life?
  • “if it feels like your world is crumbling and nobody loves you, God loves you no matter what”
    • Too true though. My faith strong since the young days.
  • “there isn’t a time when i don’t think of memories.”
  • “i was saying you should come back now i’m singing “you shouldn’t come back” 
    • Anyone know the Demi Lovato song, “Shouldn’t Come Back?”
  • “there can be more than one side of a person.”
    • DON’T I KNOW
  • “how do you figure something out if you don’t know where to start?”
  • “closing your eyes won’t make the problem go away.”
  • “i miss the person that you used to be.”
  • “please stop changing.”
    • This was when I was in my “I hate change” phase
  • “the moon will follow us home.”
    • The start of my love and obsession for the moon. Basically it’s where our love story began lol
  • i would’ve smiled at your face but that would’ve been too much for me to take.”
    • FOLLOW YOUNG REBECCA’S ADVICE, REBECCA
  • “it’s like the past is repeating itself.”
    • It is though. This is why I need to read and re-read these.
  • “you knew what you were getting yourself into.”
    • Yeah… I did. It’s like Young Me is scolding present me
  • “i’ve literally made it so obvious… you might as well be oblivious.”
    • *cough* Phoenix *cough* but really how oblivious that boy is… I can’t
  • “i don’t want to get lost in the dark.”
  • “i’d wait all day just for a moment.”
    • It’s sad how true this still is
  • “i wish i could go back in the past and whisper, “wrong person.”
    • yes, Yes, YES
  • “just when i was starting to get to know you, you leave.”
  • “you never know what you can find when you start exploring your options.”
  • “we would remember that day like it was yesterday.”
  • “secrets are dangerous. telling the wrong person will lead to disaster and it’ll kill you inside.”
  • “i don’t want a stupid coincidence haunting me forever.”
    • Hi Overthinking, how are you doing today?
  • “i miss you too but you’re not what i want anymore.”
  • “at this point can you just tell me if you like me or not? Please, it’s killing me.”
    • Relatable, at this very moment
  • “if only i was that piece of special for you but i never was and i have to accept that.”
    • ERGHhghhhhh this makes me cringe. Because I wrote this unsent letter to my very first MAJOR crush and burned it. My friend told me to write it because it helped her because she wanted to get over someone too. And so I put like lines from the letter on my twitter because he followed me on twitter and I hoped he would see it eraskldfsjdls I still cringe. The next two are quotes from that letter too. I was in deep. I didn’t even have one real conversation with this guy. But can you blame me? It was middle school lol
  • “we never said goodbye but we didn’t have to because we felt it.”
  • “there will always be a vacant space in my heart for you.”
  • “there’s a star out there destined for you and your wishes.”
  • “what about a person who lies about their lying?”
    • THEY NEED TO LEAVE THEN bye
  • “someday those eyes that i fell for are gonna be the eyes that i envy.”
  • “i wish i was stronger. Mentally, not physically.
    • This was during the time I actually realized that strength was more than just muscles. I’m really proud of how far I’ve come.
  • “it’s hard to believe that certain things are real sometimes.”
  • “do you remember me? or am i just a faint memory?”
  • “there are people you thought would never hurt you. yet, that’s all they do nowadays.”
  • “you never really had to go… you just didn’t want to stay.”
  • “i finally figured out that every compliment you give me comes with an insult.”
  • “when i’m away from the harbor, i need an anchor.”
  • “hearing you insult someone else makes me wonder what you say behind my back.”
    • This tea tastes really good
  • “you used past tense. meaning we aren’t anymore. not like we were anything.” 
  • “everyone has the path that they’re walking on. i’m still trying to figure out which way to go and where mine leads.”
    • Still haven’t figured it out
  • “i’m done telling this story. i want a new story to tell.”
  • “people left. i had to change, it was the only way that i could move on.”
    • And now I accept change. It’s cute how I can see my development lol
  • “i didn’t come all this way for nothing.”
    • No you didn’t 🙂
  • “the only thing i’m holding onto right now is hope.”
    • I remember I tweeted this the night I realized I was only still alive because of hope and I should keep holding onto it.
  • “i look at my past as a journey of the person i’m becoming.”
    • And sometimes a journey of my cringe developing but mostly the first one
  • “i would rather regret something i did do, than something i didn’t do.”
  • “the camera can never capture the true beauty that you see through your eyes.”
  • “the one person you don’t want to see is suddenly the only person you ever see.”
  • “treading shallow water is too easy. the big waves are your competition.”
  • “let it rain for a while, i’m getting a rainbow afterward.”
  • “it doesn’t feel real. whenever things change, it doesn’t seem real.”
  • “the funny thing is, no matter what you do or have done to my heart it’ll always find a way to forgive you and your bs.”
    • Hey look, this Rebecca is more recent lol
  • “why did you have to bring the rain?”
  • “i should’ve just let you focus.”

Lol, I honestly thought I would cringe more but it was more like Younger Rebecca was giving me a lesson and coming for my life. Now I’m picturing a young me at a classroom blackboard with a pointer stick while present me sits in a chair listening (and a bit scared)… my imagination is… But there ya go! There’s deep young Rebecca for ya! I hope you learned something from her because I sure did. This post was really fun to write, be sure to look out for the FUNNY edition of this blog post which is coming soon (she says hopefully)

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hello, Senior (nope still can’t believe it): Day 2

If I thought yesterday was something, today is definitely way more than something.

If you read my post yesterday: hello, Senior (still can’t believe I’m saying that): Day 1 then you know that it was an odd day yesterday.

So today was an even day I had periods: 2, 4, 5, 6, and 8.

Period 2 was pre-calculus. Apparently, my school has these “portables” now. These portables are just classrooms outside the school because our school didn’t have enough rooms and there are A LOT of students. There are about 900 freshmen. It looks sort of like an RV or the outside of a motel (without the peeled off paint, it looks pretty nice). But it’s not as bad as I may describe it to be. It looks just like any other classroom. But of course, after going outside to the portable I have to go all the way to the other end of the school for my next period… someone’s playing games lol. This class, I didn’t feel good. One reason is that I had a stomach ache that morning that continued throughout that period but it wasn’t painful… something else gave me a more sick feeling.

Phoenix is in that class. I walked in like two minutes before him. He sat in the very front and I was in the third row. He literally sat two head spaces in front of me. It was horrible. He has a lot of friends in the class and I only have one friend and I didn’t even get to sit next to her because the seat next to her was taken. Having to look at the back of his head and feeling things was like the boss level of anxiety. I’ll probably write more about this subject in another post because I really need to individually vent on this one thing. The teacher didn’t seem very nice but he wasn’t mean either. I don’t know, he kinda unbalanced the stream of chill teachers I was having. But we’ll see how it goes. At the end of class, I talked to my friend and it was funny because she didn’t bring a jacket and I told her she didn’t make the right choice. Because that portable? F.r.e.e.z.i.n.g. And today it was raining too so…

Period 4 was guitar. I was excited because I knew my friend was in this class and we hadn’t seen each other since before the summer. She walked in and sat next to me and she smiled and looked really happy to see me. I hugged her. We had the same conversation just like old times when we were in chemistry class. It was nice to talk to her after feeling crappy. I’m also excited because I get to play guitar. The teacher is really funny and carefree. He evaluated all the students and he asked me if I was a sophomore and my friend laughed at that because we were talking about how I look like a freshman. And our teacher was very confused. This class was okay. But my friend has her own friends and she really tries to include me into her friend group but it really isn’t working out. I just feel like such an outsider and feel like I’m intruding. Plus, she and her friends have their own “guitar gang.” They played songs together and I was just on the outside. I mean I was right next to them… but idk. This is just my anxiety mixed with my overthinking.

Period 5 was forensics (again) because it’s every day. It basically went the same way as it did yesterday. But my teacher was having one-on-one conversations with students and she called me up today. Guys, she’s really nice. Like realllllly nice. She asked me personal questions like what I did over the summer, what I like to do, etc. And she never seemed tired or pissed off. She’s full of energy and she smiles a bunch.

Period 6 was lunch. I got rid of two (kind of) anxiety-filled tasks. I went to the math department and asked to rent a calculator. And then I went to my old English teacher’s room and asked him for a recommendation.

Period 8 was AP Biology. The teacher is very… mainstream? She curses here and there and she talks like a high-schooler. She seems pretty cool but she also intimidates me. I don’t really know anyone in this class. But we didn’t do any work (Thank goodness) We played the game “Cards Against Humanity” and finding a group of people wasn’t so bad. I asked this girl and she smiled and was really nice when I asked if I could join her group. Our group’s cards truly sucked. But the game was better than work.

Then yeah the day was over. I’m really not sure about senior year at this point. Not having friends in some classes doesn’t really bother me… but then other times it does. I just want to get rid of the negative mentality I have. My day wasn’t even that bad but my mind makes sure to think of all the lows. I don’t know what I want anymore. I just want to be happy. But how can I be? I’m so confused about different things. People always tend to, excuse my language, but people always tend to fuck me over. I’m tired. I just don’t know how to feel or what to feel anymore. How can my mind be able to twist something good into something horrible?

I want to be happy. I convince my mind that I’m going to be happy and I’m not going to not let my negativity overrule that. But how can I be positive when seemingly all the negative outweighs the positive?

I have to be in a class with a guy who I still like and still want to talk to, but know that I can’t because he doesn’t care the same way about me. I want to get a job but I’m not even sure where to apply or if I even have time through the school work. If I’ll even do good during an interview. There are college applications I have to start and once I fill those out I know life is just changing.

But the problem is: I don’t know if my life is changing for the better. 

If I keep having this negative mentality how will it ever be fixed? Can it be? Will I always look at life like this? I know happiness isn’t a time period, or a future, but it’s a choice. But how can I choose happiness when there’s a wire in my brain that always wants to give up?

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hello, Senior (still can’t believe I’m saying that): Day 1

my first day of senior year.

You know, I always told myself I would never believe that I’m a senior until the very first day… but now that the first day has happened it feels like I won’t even believe it until graduation. I would literally be sitting there in a sea of students with a cap and gown and be like, “Wait… I’m a senior?”

Lol I’m kidding, but lowkey that’s what it feels like.

If anyone doesn’t know, because I know school systems are different all over the world, senior year is a prettttyy big deal. Senior year is also what we call 12th grade. It’s the fourth and last year of high school. It’s the year before you decide what college you’re going to go to. It’s the year before pretty much knowing what you’re going to do with the rest of your life. Prom, graduation, last time in high school… all that stuff.

So yeah… it’s very big. I’m not sure what my year holds but we’ll see how it goes.

So today was the first (last) day of school. We call it first last day because it’s our final first day in high school.

My school has an odd and even schedule and we alternate between even and odd every day. There are eight class periods. One day, which might be an odd day we have class periods: 1,3,5,6, and 7. The next day, an even day, we have class periods: 2,4,5,6,8. We have 5th and 6th period every day because those are alternate lunch periods.

Today was an odd day. My first senior odd day. Here’s how it went…

Period 1 was chorus class. I was actually surprised when I saw this class on my schedule because it was my alternate class in case any of my class suggestions weren’t available. I’m actually pretty happy I’m in chorus, the class I didn’t get which was music technology, I didn’t really want to be in that anymore.  Plus I get to professionally get help with my singing and I would have the music teacher I’ve had since freshman year. I really like her because she’s really chill and she knows all my music history. And she’s really enthusiastic and she’s always happy when she sees me. When I walked in the class there was A LOT of people. Hi, Anxiety. I didn’t think there were any seats left in the second row. But my feet were just taking me to who knows where. Then I see one of my friends who I bond with over Fifth Harmony. The seat next to him wasn’t taken so I sat there and he said hi to me. It was nice. We had a funny conversation here and there and we made fun of each other like we always do. It’s really comforting because there were 60+ people in that room and I wasn’t friends with ANY of them but him. It was such a huge class because I think it’s a combination of different chorus classes. But there’s an upcoming performance October 17th and I’m pretty excited.

Period 3 was AP Psychology. It’s funny it’s my last year in this school and I still get lost. I came in after the bell rang but my teacher didn’t mind because it was the first day and school announcements were going over the intercom. Again my feet went to who knows where and I found a nice seat in the back. I’m really excited to take this class because psychology really, truly interests me. The mind is so complex and interesting… why wouldn’t you want to know more? So we had this ice-breaker activity. It was kind of okay compared to past icebreaker activities I’ve endured (cringes). The teacher is really, super nice and she seems pretty chill. I saw one of my friends in this class but I didn’t sit next to her (because I was late). Then we played a game of would you rather.

Period 5 was FORENSIC SCIENCE. I’m REALLY excited about this class (as you can tell by the caps). I love forensics, it’s as interesting as psychology to me. I love watching shows like Criminal Minds because that feeling of adding up all the evidence to catch a suspect is so thrilling. I saw a girl I knew and was friends with last year. She said hi to me but she has a lot of her own friends in the class. The teacher also seemed chill. She said she didn’t like ice-breakers (THANK YOU) so we just did a lab activity where we went to different stations and examined “evidence.” It was really fun. But it would be more fun if it was either individual or I was with someone I knew, ya know? I don’t really know if I’m going to make any friends in this class which kinda sucks because I have this class every day and it’s really fun so far. I don’t know… I had this same thought junior year for 5th period and I just so happened to make a really good friend who I still talk to. But we’ll see how this class goes.

Period 6 was lunch. My best friend and I have the same lunch!!! We both had anxiety over this. We sat outside for the first time and it was really nice. Like why haven’t we done that before? (Maybe because you get that “outside” smell and you start sweating and you have to… okay let’s not think of the negatives) My friend was really hyper today so she made a lot of conversaton and we talked about little things. It was also really nice. I wasn’t really hungry because I had too much anxiety.

Period 7 was English. When I walked in I really hoped and prayed that there would be a friend in that class that I was really friends with. I sat at the back. There are two guys that I know in that class. One guy, I knew from freshman year who… okay so apparently he had a crush on me but he never told me himself his friends always told me, so I’m not completely sure. But other than that, we were good friends. The other guy, I knew from my sophomore year, he always used to call me “Cory” because when we were in the same government class there was this kid named Cory who we both used to talk to and he made such a big deal about it like “ooo look at you too.” But no, it wasn’t that deep. I was only friends with the Cory guy for a semester but literally, whenever I saw this friend junior year he would keep calling me that. He even told me once that for a second he forgot my real name lol. But this class he actually called me Rebecca. Thank. Goodness. He said hi and was his usual goofy self. The other guy (the one who had a crush on me) said hi to me and smiled too. The class was full of people I kinda knew here and there but weren’t like close with. These were the only two people I knew a little bit. This teacher again seemed pretty chill. Thank goodness my odd day teachers are chill. She’s really nice, she smiled at me. We went to go take photo ID’s this period and I just have to say… the guy who took my picture? He was really nice. And idk when I see and meet people I don’t really know I come off as kinda cynical because I don’t really trust anyone. I don’t like being too nice because people can be pretty mean even when you’re nice and it makes you feel like “Oh? Okay…” But as soon as this photographer said hi to me I smiled and said hi. He seemed really nice and he was. I didn’t have any pockets and I was holding my phone so I had to tuck it into my leggings. He told me to stand to lean forward a bit and I was adjusting my phone and I was like “Ergh sorry” and he said “No, it’s okay! I understand. Take all the time you need.” Then he asked me how my day was and he laughed when I responded with happiness. He was just like an up-side stranger to my day. I really like how my ID turned out. I compared it to the one from my past years and dang the GLO UP lol. After photo ID’s we went back to the classroom and the teacher explained some classroom stuff. Then she said that we would have daily 10 minute journals writing about whatever we wanted. And she wouldn’t check them or look at them, no one would. This sounds so relaxing and chill (<– how many times have I used that word? Lol I’m sorry it’s just so perfect). Which it was (apart from the hand cramps. Thanks summer).

Then the day was over and I went on the bus with my best friend. Then she told me that she forgot her artwork in the desk on her first day (she tends to lose stuff… but really, girl? On the first day? Her mom was saying the same thing) But it’s okay we went off the bus and got it and then got some slurpees and went home. Then I took a nap and started overthinking and stuff.

Honestly? I’m not sure about senior year. The above stuff sounds okay but I really wanted to highlight the positivity, not my overthinking. None of my like real, good friends- the ones I can vibe with without over thinking are in my classes. So it sucks. But my friend sent me her schedule and we have guitar class together so that’s amazing and a weight off the anxiety. This is the same friend who let me chill with her friends during a fire drill even though I felt like I was bothering them. But I also have pre-calculus and AP Biology tomorrow… My friend had AP Bio and she said the teacher already assigned work…. hahhhhh.

I’m just scared of not making many friends and COLLEGE is a monster. I have to start applications and making DECISIONS. I also want to start working because ya knowww I wanna make some money.

I want to be okay but my mindset just wants to set to the default of losing hope. None of us know the future. We don’t know where this path leads. But we hope so much that it leads to happiness and strength. I hope that every day.

Let’s see where that hope takes us.

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500 FOLLOWERS!! | Q&A!!

I can’t believe I reached another milestone!

500 is half of one thousand but like… the 500 itself is huge for me.

Like that many of you stumbled upon my diary and hit a follow button?

Lol, every time I reach a one-hundred milestone I get very sappy with you guys thanking you for letting me be myself in a place where I feel comfortable.

I won’t be repetitive (even though it’s very true).

But I always will be thankful, grateful, and blessed for stumbling upon this website. For being to meet all you very lovely people.

Because if I’ve never walked into this space, or if I was too shy to create a blog… no lie: I’m not even sure if I would be here today.

This blog is more than just a blog to me. It’s my safe haven. It’s the place I can sometimes forget but always come back to like a home.

Life, for the past few months, has been more serious and shaky. Everything is coming at me at once. I’m gonna be a high school senior this year… I’m (hopefully) going to college next year. I’m growing up. I have to discover the person I want to be in the world. Time is just flashing past in the blink of an eye.

So much is changing for me and I don’t know how to handle it… some days I’m okay, I can breathe. Other days it’s hard and I just lose energy over thinking and feeling depressed.

It’s a cycle. My life is a cycle. And it’s disturbing sometimes but it’s also interesting. How I feel all depends on my mentality. But both ways it’s tiring not knowing what’s awaiting me at the end of the tunnel.

And this is the one place where I feel like I can’t make a mistake. I can’t say the wrong thing. I don’t have to worry about being judged. I don’t have to hide from anyone here. I don’t have to be fake or shun fake people here. This is the realest place I know. You are the realest (aka you the realest lol I’m sorry) people I know.

For once, in an area of my life, I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong here.

So thank you for supporting me, commenting on my posts, following me, liking my posts, believing in me…

oh my gosh. Thank you for anyone and everyone who has said they believe in me. You don’t know how much that means to me. It means the world. The world. There are people literally making me feel like crap because of my anxiety making me feel like I can’t make it through this life with it. But when you guys tell me that you believe in the person I am… it gives me so much hope.

You guys think I’m hopeful when really it’s you who make and keep me hopeful.

The fact that you think and believe I have so much in me… I can’t put it into words.

I shouldn’t be the only one feeling good about myself, you guys should feel good about yourselves too. YOU took a step in making blogs too and encouraging people to hold on even when they want to give up and give in.

Lol there’s the sappiness again.

But it was gonna come anyway, hope ya don’t mind.

Really though. Thank you.

For accepting this 17-year-old Indian girl with anxiety as she is.

And for making her feel worthy of life.


So if you read the second part of the title: YES I will be having a Q&A!!

I literally checked my blog for the last time I had one and it was legit a year ago…

It doesn’t even feel like that long ago but I don’t want to get into the concept of time (it’s a dark place).

So if you have a question for me; goofy, deep, mind-wracking, anything. It’ll all be answered happily! 🙂

Please send me questions, because it would really suck if no one sends me a question. I’m probably going to have a lot of anxiety worrying if anyone is going to send me a question or not, or if I’ll even be able to have a sufficient Q&A. Wow, that just makes me feel needy like I’m saying: Gimme your questions! I don’t mean to sound needy! If you have a question, feel free to send it to me and I’ll answer it.

I’ll probably have the Q&A on Saturday/Sunday. To be decided… stay tuned.

Thank you again for supporting me!

(My heart is literally doing that fluttery thing, like when I get good news or see one of my friends I haven’t seen in a long time)

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Rant: I’m GROWING UP??!?

As hard as it is to believe, I am.

Excuse me is there some time genie I could talk to about this? Because…

06.21.17

I GOT MY FRICKIN LICENSE!!!

Of course, I was so nervous and I blanked out when I had to start the car (fortunately they didn’t test me on that).

But my uncle knew I was nervous and he eased my nerves. Practicing with him has helped me a lot (I mean compared to my dad’s teaching yelling, yes, my uncle has helped me a lot). He prayed for me before the test and he kept me calm. And the moment I passed he gave me a side hug and told me that he knew I could do it.

So during the test, I was a shaky mess. But I kept under the speed limit and kept within the lines, and parked very nicely. The lady wasn’t mean, she was very calm. When she said the words, “You passed.” I couldn’t really believe it because she said like it was something casual and she like packed it in with the rest of what she said, so the “You passed” was packed in with everything else she said. But once I registered it, it was like “Wait, what? Did you just say I passed? I passed?!?” I was smiling so much, everyone in front of the motor vehicle place was staring at me like “Why is this girl smiling she’s literally walking into the place where time stands still (because it literally does)?”

Even though I was really happy, the place really killed my vibe. I waited until the place closed aka 2 hours later. I was cold and hungry. I really don’t know what happened. They never called my ticket number. By the time I went to the counter and the lady (who I have to say, was extremely nice) asked me “Are you excited to get your license?” I responded with excitement, or at least I tried to… the near-hypothermia might’ve messed up the excitement.

But on Monday, I got my license in the mail and I’m so so so happy.

06.28.17

I took my senior pictures!!

I had to go to school early for this college workshop at like 10 until 12 then I had to go for my pictures at 1:15. So what would I do for an hour and 15 minutes? I went to Macdonald’s. It was so nice. I just spent time with myself sipping a smoothie. But I didn’t feel lonely. It was so nice to just be in that moment with myself.

Lol then I had to do my makeup in a Macdonald’s bathroom. But can I just say that the one near my school, the one I went to, they play some really good music. Lol I felt so pumped and confident while I put my makeup on.

Then I went back to school to take the pictures. You know what they were playing when I walked in? A Fifth Harmony song. They were playing Fifth. Harmony. It’s like they knew I was coming lol. It turned out really good. The photographer was really nice and he actually showed me the pictures and I looked so grown up that I had to take a reality check and ask myself “Woah, wait, that’s really me?”

So yeah that’s been the growing up that I’ve done so far. Honestly, I’m not freaking out like “Nooooo, I don’t want to grow up!” I’m kind of finding myself easing into all of this day by day. Like I”m growing up, finally. I’m maturing. I’m becoming who I am.

I mean I had anxiety in both instances. Mostly in the second instance because no one was there with me. But I made it through. I made it through? Agh I did!

Future, here I come?

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all it takes is a day for things to happen.

I met you again on a Monday.

It was a weird day for me.

It was confirmed that we had four classes together that semester on a Tuesday.

Purely coincidental, right?

I realized that I started harboring feelings for you on a Saturday.

Was it only because I wanted to get over someone?

You remembered me on a Friday.

It was weird for us to be talking again for the first time in 2 years.

You smiled at me for the first time on a Friday.

We had Spanish presentations that day.

You said “Hello” to me on a Friday.

And that’s the moment I knew I was in for a long ride.

I saw you with your girlfriend outside the door of our first period class on a Tuesday.

And my heart broke in a way I didn’t ever want to feel again (but still keep feeling).

I told my other best friend that I like you on a Sunday.

I guess that’s when it became real.

I had to sit next to you in class on a Thursday.

Because the seat next to my best friend was taken.

I gave you the binder that you left in class on a Thursday.

But I never told you it was me.

I liked having a conversation with you on a Thursday.

It was awkward for me at first but you were still the same nice person from freshman year.

You moved to the right in the front of the room for me so that I could be able to stand next to you and see (because I’m short) on a Friday.

And I still don’t know what made you do that.

I realized you started bringing me happiness on a Tuesday.

And I vented to my best friend about how you would never break up with your girlfriend and it was hopeless.

You told me not to give up on a project on a Thursday.

So I didn’t.

I realized I couldn’t do anything about my feelings on a Tuesday.

Your smile and the way you looked at me didn’t help.

I found out that you broke up with your girlfriend on a Wednesday.

It was hard to believe, I didn’t think it would actually happen.

My friend told me to get your number on a Saturday.

And I thought how would that ever happen.

You accidentally bumped into me on a Thursday.

And it was hilarious because you felt so bad and thought you had crushed me.

I figured out our friendship was platonic on a Thursday.

And it hurt me.

I realized I didn’t want to lose your friendship on a Friday.

So I held on, even with my feelings, because of who you were.

Our Spanish teacher assigned your seat right in front of me on a Friday.

And I knew life was laughing at me somewhere.

You smiled at me for the hundredth (I didn’t actually count) time on a Thursday.

That’s when I realized that could be the one thing that could kill me.

Your ex-girlfriend got yelled at by her friends for not wearing her jacket on a Thursday.

She didn’t have it because you had it and my heart broke for the ______ time.

I listened to sad music and created a playlist on Spotify on a Thursday.

Because it hurt so damn much.

I had to avoid you and be abrupt with your questions in Photography class on a Friday.

But I had to ask you for help in that class and you cared.

We had a full conversation in class on a Friday.

It helped but I was very confused.

I got your snapchat on a Friday.

But only because my best friend wanted the pictures of the Spanish packet that you discreetly took on your phone.

I messaged you first on a Saturday.

That’s when our first text conversation began.

You made fun of how I almost fell off the hill on a Friday.

And I wanted to make you fall.

You stopped our conversation and left my side to go talk to her on a Friday.

Of course, why would you keep talking to me?

You asked me if I had depression on a Wednesday.

I told you the truth about my anxiety and knew that this wouldn’t be an easy crush.

I opened up about my anxiety to you on a Saturday.

And it was weird for me.

You told me you were interested in who I was on a Sunday.

And if my anxiety was convincing me that I was bothering you- you wouldn’t be doing your job as a good friend.

I found out we had no classes together in second semester on a Monday.

I felt my heart drop and questioned life’s intentions.

I told you that I was upset about it on a Monday.

I can’t believe I was that comfortable with you to tell you that.

You told me you would never forget me and that we would still message each other on a Tuesday.

It made me feel better.

You got yelled at by her to hurry up on a Wednesday.

And one of my classmates/friends asked me if you were back together with her.

You sat next to me in class on a Thursday.

Because that would be our last class that we had together, but the 45 minutes went by too fast.

My best friend told you that I could sing on a Friday.

And you said you were gonna hear me sing one day or another.

The new semester began on a Monday.

It broke my heart not to see you every day in my classes.

I missed you especially in Spanish class on a Monday.

Because you made that class bearable.

I saw you on the staircase with your new haircut on a Tuesday.

And I yelled at you for not responding to my message.

I saw you walking with her on a Tuesday.

And I knew, for a fact, that you would never miss me as much as I miss you.

I asked you how you would feel if our friendship ended on a Thursday.

And you told me you would be sad, real sad.

I thought my anxiety messed up our friendship on a Monday.

Because I was overthinking the fact that you didn’t talk to me for a week because your messaging wasn’t working.

I realized that I was scared on a Monday.

I was scared to lose you.

I told one of my friends who’s also your friend that I liked you on a Monday.

And she told me that you never got back together with her, you were just best friends with her.

I thought you weren’t trying anymore in our friendship on a Friday.

Did you even want to hang out and see me?

I turned around to talk to my friend just so you wouldn’t talk to me on a Friday.

Because I needed to protect my heart.

You told me you had your college life planned out already on a Sunday.

And I was jealous because I didn’t even know where I would want to go to college.

You hugged me on a Monday.

And my heart wouldn’t stop palpitating for 10 minutes.

You told me my sarcasm makes you laugh on a Thursday.

I really was growing comfortable with you.

You told me that we should go to Ethiopia and India on a Monday.

But it was just for the conversation, right?

You told me we should text shorter to each other on a Friday.

So that we would be able to have time to talk more.

You told me you wanted to watch the school play with me on a Thursday.

But we both had conflicting schedules and I told you that there would be other opportunities for us to hang out.

I gave you a nickname on a Saturday.

And you were already finding ideas for mine.

I told you that fake people don’t know the real me and think I’m quiet on a Saturday.

You told me that must mean I’m comfortable with you and we’re comfortable with each other.

You gave me a nickname on Sunday.

And we figured out that we had a lot in common, like finding puns hilarious.

You told me that instead of planning to go to the play we should’ve gone to see a beautiful sunset on a Monday.

I told you I want to escape from the city and see the stars and you agreed that that should be our goal for the semester/summer.

You gave me candy on a Monday.

I have horrible eye-to-hand coordination so you had to throw it into the hoodie of my jacket.

I saw you on the staircase and you stopped me from going to lunch to have a short conversation on a Monday.

You asked me if I wanted to hang out with you over spring break, making you late to class.

You told me that whenever we see each other briefly at school and have our little talks away from texting it makes your day on a Monday.

You really aren’t helping me.

You told me you felt bad because you went to Chipotle and couldn’t buy me anything because you didn’t have enough cash on a Monday.

Did you really think of me or were you just saying that?

I told you I had a crappy day and you told me that you hope my smile is saved for Tuesday.

In a platonic way, right?

You told me you drove illegally to Chipotle on a Wednesday.

You’re such a bad influence and I thought I had to make sure to give you a bit of my good influence.

You told me you were sad that you didn’t see me on the last day of school before spring break on a Friday.

You claimed that you would pick me up and I told you I was not looking forward to being thrown like a football.

I replied to you shortly while I was in my dark hole on a Monday.

I had a little hope that you would ask me what’s wrong but thought it was just another one of my mind’s impossible realities.

You asked me what’s wrong on a Monday.

I dropped my phone; you weren’t actually supposed to make my mind’s fantasies to come true.

You told me you had to make sure that I knew that you cared on a Wednesday.

And that you would be there when I was ready to open up to you. Liar.

I messaged you my childhood pictures because you wanted to see them on a Thursday.

You thought I was so cute and I asked for your childhood pictures too.

I went into my dark hole again and I opened up to you on a Friday.

My mistake for actually thinking that you would be there and you actually cared.

You read my message without a reply on a Saturday.

And I ruined myself waiting for you to reply because I was vulnerable.

You sent me a message the night before school on a Monday.

I didn’t open it because I was a pissed you left me hanging for two days.

I opened your message on a Wednesday.

And it had nothing to do with me opening up to you.

I told people I could trust how you responded to me opening up to you on a Thursday.

And they told me I deserve better and to move on.

I blamed myself for the whole thing on a Friday.

Because if I didn’t open up to you we would still be talking like we normally do.

I asked my friend if I should be upfront with you about the whole thing on a Saturday.

She told me not to bring it up and to just start a new conversation, so I did.

I started a new conversation on a Saturday.

And I wonder if I didn’t start a new conversation, would you have even cared? Did it even phase you that we hadn’t talked for 3 days?

My friend told me that if you hurt me again she would fight you on a Saturday.

I trusted that you wouldn’t because I knew who you were. I was wrong. I don’t know who you are anymore.

We had a conversation on a Sunday.

But it felt weird, you weren’t responding like you used to.

I opened a message of yours on a Monday.

And you put no effort into replying to what I had to say. Your paragraphs turned into uninterested short sentences.

I cried because of you on a Monday.

Because did I ruin us? Or was I fool for thinking that you actually cared about me?

You opened my message on a Monday.

And you didn’t reply, nothing new.

You replied to me on a Wednesday.

It took you two days to give me your two-second, half-assed reply.

My friends saw you with her on a Wednesday.

I thought why am I even trying anymore when you don’t care.

I saw you on a Thursday.

But how could you expect me to look directly into your eyes? I couldn’t. I had to leave fast.

I overthink about you every day.

Nothing has or will ever change that.

It’s funny how so much can happen in a mere day.

How a friendship can be made.

How feelings can be developed.

But also, how everything can come crashing down.

I’m writing this about the two of us on a Saturday.

Is it the end of us? Was there ever an us?

«Music Saturday»

Rockabye by Clean Bandit ft. Sean Paul & Anne-Marie 

Runnin’ Home to You by Grant Gustin 

No Promises by Cheat Codes ft. Demi Lovato

If This is Love by Ruth B

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