Contact, Social Media, if you wanna talk…

So I thought this stuff should get its own post because who looks at my contact page? *crickets*

Lol, but even I don’t look at pages, I barely have time to look at blog posts throughout the day.

But just in case anyone is wondering, if anyone would wonder my anxiety says, here’s where you can contact me if you ever want to talk or want to follow me and want me to follow you on social media… Even though I only have one social media account for this blog.

By contact I really mean anything, if you just need someone to vent to or you wanna show me some music suggestions or you just need a conversation, I’m here! I honestly mean that. I know sometimes you feel alone, I do too… but you’re never alone.

Email: hopelesslystrong27@gmail.com

I’m down to have a conversation here or to talk on hangouts. Trust me, once we start talking I can’t shut up. Honestly, if you want essay emails here ya go.

Instagram: @melancholy_hopefulness  (just have to credit the amazing person who thought of this username for me, Kate from All The Trinkets who is such a creative bean and awesome person. She didn’t even ask me to put herself there but she deserves it)

My Instagram has always shown at the left side of my blog. Some people have seen it, but I’ve never talked about it in a post. I really love photography. It’s one of my hobbies up there under music and writing. I started taking random pictures of the world when I left middle school. It’s like once I left that school I got so interested in photography. At first, it was just pictures of sunsets and clouds but then I wanted to start experimenting. I still take photos of sunsets but I take pictures of people sometimes and I don’t shoot pictures I take outside randomly anymore because I took a photography class junior year which taught me about photography rules and stuff. I try to get angles and new perspectives. I dream to be able to buy my own camera someday in the future.

So if you really love photography you can follow me there! And if you have an Instagram too, I’ll be happy to follow you back just tell me your username and I’ll stalk you… that was a joke lol. I promise not to stalk you. I’ll look at maybe ten pictures. Ok, I’ll stop talking… (I’m honestly not gonna stalk you… I don’t even have the attention span to read 10 blog posts lol) MOVING ON

Kik: rebecca_zecca

Lol I never thought I would ever write that. Because I really don’t see a point to kik. But I downloaded it for one of my friends to talk to her (because I’m a LOYAL friend lol) So yeah it’s there on my phone. Since it’s there why not use it to talk to more people? So if you have one you can have a convo with me on there too 🙂

This is no attempt to make my blog seem “better.” Or anything like that, if that’s the kind of vibe this post is giving you… (my anxiety is worrying about that) I just want anyone to know that if they do want to talk, I’m here. I love talking and getting to know new people and it would be really cool if we got to know each other aside from the blogs.

Ok, that’s all I have to say! If you wanna let me know that you’re following me or adding me or sending me an email leave it in the comments and I will be 100% sure to check it. Thanks for all the love and support!

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“so… you don’t talk and you don’t eat?”

And he thought this was funny…

So today my cousin had a housewarming party for the extended family and there were maybe 30 people who came.

I didn’t know about it until this very morning… but it was nice.

This past week was the third anniversary of my great-aunt’s death and her death really affected me. I never really understood the feeling of someone you love who’s gone until she died. Because before this, I was too young to understand. She had three daughters and two of the daughters and their families live in another city. I haven’t seen them in THREE YEARS, the same amount of time my great-aunt has been gone. I guess there were some bad ties between the family since the death… I don’t know no one tells me anything. (Let’s go back to the fact that I didn’t even know of this housewarming party until this morning) The whole “beef” (yes, beef. Lol I don’t know any other word that outmatches that) thing I guess created the distance in our whole extended family. But I guess everything is forgiven now?

Their kids though. Like when I last saw those kids, they were all so small… smaller than me. Now, they’re all tall and stuff. They even intimidated me. But my one cousin who is one of the ones I haven’t seen was really nice. He hugged me as soon as he walked in. TIME REALLY DOES CHANGE YOU. Most of those kids were unrecognizable. I still can’t put a face to the youngest sister because SHE’S ALL GROWN UP. My cousins were there and they hugged me and made small talk.

And the food. Yes, the food deserves its own section. Because I was hungry and I didn’t eat any breakfast between going to church and going to the party. It was a great feeling once it was time to eat.

I haven’t been with this same family (my mom’s side) since like December. It was nice. I’m not gonna lie, there were deep moments of anxiety (because no, it really doesn’t stop when you’re with loved ones) but it was a balance.

But something that made me feel horrible?

There was this Indian elder who I didn’t know. I don’t think he was a family member, maybe just a family friend.

So when I was getting food, he was behind me in the line. I. Was. Getting. Food. And he says “Do you usually not talk a lot?” I was getting food, man. Who and why would  I be talking when I’m getting food? And it’s not like he was starting a conversation with me, he came out of nowhere saying that to me. I didn’t even realize he was next to me until he said something. I’m thinking about my food, okay? I haven’t eaten anything all day. Please, leave me alone.

I agreed, saying I don’t talk a lot. Because I don’t, I guess. Hi, social anxiety. He laughed at that? I didn’t find it funny.

Then I’m eating my food and everyone’s outside on the porch. I didn’t even realize I was sitting next to the same person… I was too mesmerized by the food. Then as this elder gets up to throw away his food he says, and I quote,

“So… you don’t talk and you don’t eat?”

Excuse me?

He was literally sitting next to me, could have been watching the food transport from mah fork to mah mouth. And he thinks it’s his place to say that? Did. You. Not. See. Me. Put. The. Food. In. My. Mouth? Since he was commenting on it, he should have seen it. AND when he sad that my plate was halfway empty/full (is the cup half full or empty? hmm) BUT I WAS STILL EATING. 

And trust me, I have been bothered with these fucking stereotypes and generalizations all my damn life.

I get it, I’m quiet. I know why now, right? And when I was younger, I was as skinny as a twig, but I don’t look that way anymore. I like my body now. Finally.

But as a kid, these two things were always brought up in conversation with my extended family. No, they didn’t wanna talk about school, life, my damn well-being. They wanted to know why I was so skinny.

There were times I didn’t even want to go out to these family parties because I didn’t want to be looked at like a label anymore. That’s how much it affected and wrecked me.

This is “regular” for Indians. I’m not sure about other families… but for Indians, they’re all up in your business and they don’t care if they hurt you or not. They say what’s on their mind without thinking twice about it. Without thinking that saying stuff like that actually hurts.

Like I don’t already look in the mirror trying to find beauty in my petite stature which never seems to change no matter how much I eat.

Or I don’t already silently die inside anytime my anxiety comes into play and social interaction makes me feel physically, emotionally, and mentally uncomfortable.

What did I do when he said that?

As soon as he said “So” I knew it was going to make me mad.

As soon as he said what he said I didn’t smile or laugh I just looked down and he laughed. I did not laugh at all. I didn’t find it funny. It wasn’t. I don’t get what he found funny the first time or second. Usually, I just have to brush it aside when it comes to stuff like this because why would I want to make a scene in front of everyone? I wouldn’t. But as soon as he said that I wanted to retaliate. I wanted to say “Did you not see me eat?” or “That’s really not funny.” Or I wanted someone to hear him and not think it’s okay. But I knew that if someone heard it they wouldn’t stand up for me, they would just agree with him.

Trust me, I don’t like talking about adults like this. But he crossed a line. A line I thought I was over.

It took me a long time to accept myself for who I am. To actually look in the mirror and love myself. Because I KNEW no one would completely stop making comments about my weight or “quietness.” Knowing that I had to accept myself and move on stronger.

So far, so good. It hasn’t been a problem for a few years. But there are moments when times like these are like old triggers and I go back to the little girl I was.

So confused as to why being quiet was seen as weird and why everyone was talking about my weight.

And I can never stand up for myself because if I did I would be seen as the “child” who doesn’t know any better. Plus, I would probably cry making my point.

It’s just not fair. Why do they always have to pick on me like I need a label?

Do I have to apologize for the person I am? No.

I eat. I am healthy. I love food, in fact, it’s on my list of loves.

I talk. With people I like/love and can vibe with. If I don’t then I’m in my thoughts, is that so bad? I don’t like talking in crowds.

What. Is. So. Wrong. With. That?

But the thing that bothers me the most is that this man didn’t know me for more than 10 seconds. Yet, he took out 2 of my worst labels that I’ve struggled with in those 10 seconds and brought me back to the pain of labels. Back to that scared little girl who thought in order for the labels to stop she had to fit their “image” of self-acceptance and not her own.

And I can never be “chill” about that.

How is it okay for someone, even an adult, to ask that? I have no idea.

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poems, poems, poems #3

Poems I put up on my Tumblr:

  • Topic: Phoenix

i did all I could to make you stay.

i cared.

i was vulnerable.

i opened up.

but i guess it wasn’t enough for you.

 

your actions never came from the heart…

instead, they came from your ego

-realizations.

 

i can’t say your name anymore.

you’ve become the “he who should not be named”

and i finally get why the mere mention of a name means so much.

it’s because it’s more than just a name.

it’s the whole fucking memory of you.

all the times i said it while i vented to one of my friends.

smiling because of the way it rolled off my tongue as i recollected a story that used to make me happy.

when i yelled it out because you were being “annoying”

using it as a foundation for a nickname.

your name has become more than just a name.

it’s a trigger.

those seven letters…

they give me hell.

 

i want to hope. i want to believe. that you think of me as much as i think of you.

that here and there you think about picking up the phone to talk to me.

that you think of moments we shared to make you smile.

that you miss me and you actually care.

that you’re not forgetting me.

that you’re not losing your focus on us.

Even though I know,

it’s all a lie.

 

confession.

i still have that picture of you on my phone.

when you were smiling and we were together, content with the world.

i can never look at that picture…

but i can never delete it either.

 

that “I miss you” text is never gonna come, is it?

because if it did…

it would be a lie.

 

“why wasn’t i enough for you?”

-my heart.

 

and after all this time i still delude myself into thinking you feel the same way about me.

-toxic.

 

no, it’s not the thought that counts, it’s the action.

because in that case, you’re just saying shit with no intention of following through.

 

it’s not easy for me to act like nothing happened.

that’s what makes you different from me.

 

you gave up and i gave in.

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Q & A #2

I know, I knowwww. I said that this Q&A would be up yesterday. But school is literally killing me this week. I decided to get my class schedule changed so that stressed and messed me up a little bit. And I hate to review a whole chapter for Biology and I waited until the last minute and yeah… but here’s the Q&A!

«Music Tuesday (because I haven’t done one in a long time)»

Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna (Never Say Goodbye) by Sonu Nigam, Alka Yagnik

This song is in Hindi but I made sure to find one in an English translation. I’ve been listening to this song a lot not only because it sounds so nice and lovely but because what it means. A lot of times we say goodbye to people even when we’re not ready. and it’s hard to think that the last time you see someone and say goodbye it’ll be the very last time. This is really beautiful to me for that reason. Not only that but it brings me closer to my culture because I don’t normally listen to Hindi songs or any Indian-based songs on repeat so there ya go… you can listen to this while reading the Q & A. Sound good?

  • Ana Regina asks: What was the first thing that came to your mind when you realized you got 500 followers?
    • Nope, not true. Lol. The days before I got it I noticed it was like slowly coming to 500 so the excitement gradually developed as each follower came close to 500. It’s STILL hard to believe. Like 500? I couldn’t even imagine counting up to that number when I was in first grade getting excited over numbers. It’s hard to actually let sink in. 500 human fingers clicking follow. Woah.
  • Ana Regina asks: Emojis or hashtags?
    • Emojis definitely. They can say what you can never type out through a cute lil face. Hashtags are cool and all but there’s tons of pressure in that number sign. I mean hashtags = popularity because you gotta make sure you’re using the popular ones. So definitely emojis. They are no pressure and they’re fun.
  • Ana Regina asks: If you could choose two singers (any singers) you like to collab on a song, which would them be?
    • Erghhhhhhh. Just gotta say, I really love this question. Singers? Well… you said singers, not bands so that scratches out my faves *cough* Fifth Harmony. Lol uhmm one would definitely be Shawn Mendes. His guitar skills? And his voice? He’s been one of my faves since like 2014. Then another one would be Alessia Cara. I love her. I love her voice, what she stands for, what she teaches women and little girls, her music… like what’s not to love? (Side Note: If I ever actually, in some distant universe, if I ever did get to collab with them, I would die. Just drop dead. My life would be complete)
  • Elm asks: What’s the best part of blogging?
    • Being able to have a voice, most definitely. I get to be able to share my stories, my feelings, my thoughts, me literally on this little blog. I don’t have to hide stuff or bottle feelings. That’s way more than I could ever ask for.
  • Elm asks: What’s one piece of advice you’d give to someone who feels anxious?
    • I’ve. Been. There. I know it feels like crap. But just know that something ALWAYS lifts you up out of the hole. I know it’s crap every time going down there but just hold on to that teensy bit of hope that you have. Make self-care journals, meditate, take breathing exercises, write, do what you love, crack into your brain and write down what’s bothering you, etc. I know you’re scared. I’m scared too. But you’re not alone. You’re never alone. Our stories wouldn’t be our stories without an antagonist. Even if that antagonist is our own mind.
  • ItsSimplyMeJasmine asks: How would your life be now if you didn’t have a blog?
    • I honestly don’t even know. What if I’ve never even heard of wordpress? Dang. I would probably be abusing my friend’s ears telling them stuff they don’t care about or, most likely, be hiding in my own bottle with my feelings. I honestly don’t know. I feel like it wasn’t meant to happen that way so I can’t even really picture it that way.
  • ItsSimplyMeJasmine asks: What’s your most favorite blog post you’ve written?
    • Noooooo… favorites!! Lol this is like asking your parents who their favorite child is (which I pestered my dad about when I was a kid). *Scrolls through posts real quick* Well recently, because I have a very bad memory, my most favorite has been: that time my favorite band dropped a single that described my current situation Because I got to be able to mix music with a personal situation and it was so nice to get it all out there. You know how whenever there’s a new song you hear and you’re like “Wait… this is exactly what I’m feeling because…” And I love finally being able to put the because in words. I was so excited to connect the lyrics to my feelings and share it, that’s why that’s one of my faves.
  • Ana Regina asks: When was the last time you sang in the shower?
    • Uhm when was the last time I took a shower? This afternoon? Yep then. Lol I always sing in the shower… is there ever a time someone does not? I wonder…
  • Ana Regina asks: Winter or summer clothes?
    • Erghhh ya got me again. Summer clothes are cute because I like my skirts and finally letting my arms be free (which is amazing to say because I used to be insecure of my arm hair). But winter… I love my winter coat and all my sweaters are like calling out to me from the closet now and beanies. I don’t even wear beanies but I want to wear them now and… I don’t even now. But since it’s cold, I will say winter clothes. Fair, right? Lol
  • Ana Regina asks: Essay questions or test questions?
    • To be honest, would it be weird if I say essay questions? Because essay questions usually focus on one thing. Even if it asks to give evidence, examples, etc. it still focuses on one thing. Test questions… they can wrack your brain sometimes. The wording of them is m.a.n.i.p.u.l.a.t.i.v.e. Test questions mentally attack me. I study and they make me feel like I didn’t. I don’t like them. With essay questions, you can not know and just make up random stuff in paragraph form… okay that doesn’t work most (all) of the time. But usually, with essay questions, you can have an inkling of an idea and just go with that tiny spark.

That was really fun! Thank you guys for the questions, I really loved answering them ALL. They really wracked my brain and made me think. And thank you again for 500 followers. I still can’t fathom that. Thank you for supporting me and my words. I couldn’t do this life thing if it wasn’t for this blog… it’s me. And I’m so grateful that so many of you come here or see posts on my reader and support me. It means so much to me. Okay I should go before I start crying lol. Thank you again!

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Blog Update: Q&A

Hey, guys!

I just wanted to let you know that I will still be having my blog Q&A in honor of hitting 500 followers!!

I finally decided on a date… I know, I know… things have been very hectic considering last week was the first week of school and all. I finally got the head space to figure out a date, yay!

I’ll be having the Q&A tomorrow. Yep, you read that right: to-mor-row (lol really don’t know why I spaced out syllables like in elementary school… I’m half awake, don’t question it).

I’ll still be accepting questions right here so if you have any leave it in the comments. I’ll be sure to answer them!

Again, thank you so much, everyone, for all your support and love. It means the world. This blog wouldn’t even have a 500 Q&A if t weren’t for you, thank you!

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hello, Senior (nope still can’t believe it): Day 2

If I thought yesterday was something, today is definitely way more than something.

If you read my post yesterday: hello, Senior (still can’t believe I’m saying that): Day 1 then you know that it was an odd day yesterday.

So today was an even day I had periods: 2, 4, 5, 6, and 8.

Period 2 was pre-calculus. Apparently, my school has these “portables” now. These portables are just classrooms outside the school because our school didn’t have enough rooms and there are A LOT of students. There are about 900 freshmen. It looks sort of like an RV or the outside of a motel (without the peeled off paint, it looks pretty nice). But it’s not as bad as I may describe it to be. It looks just like any other classroom. But of course, after going outside to the portable I have to go all the way to the other end of the school for my next period… someone’s playing games lol. This class, I didn’t feel good. One reason is that I had a stomach ache that morning that continued throughout that period but it wasn’t painful… something else gave me a more sick feeling.

Phoenix is in that class. I walked in like two minutes before him. He sat in the very front and I was in the third row. He literally sat two head spaces in front of me. It was horrible. He has a lot of friends in the class and I only have one friend and I didn’t even get to sit next to her because the seat next to her was taken. Having to look at the back of his head and feeling things was like the boss level of anxiety. I’ll probably write more about this subject in another post because I really need to individually vent on this one thing. The teacher didn’t seem very nice but he wasn’t mean either. I don’t know, he kinda unbalanced the stream of chill teachers I was having. But we’ll see how it goes. At the end of class, I talked to my friend and it was funny because she didn’t bring a jacket and I told her she didn’t make the right choice. Because that portable? F.r.e.e.z.i.n.g. And today it was raining too so…

Period 4 was guitar. I was excited because I knew my friend was in this class and we hadn’t seen each other since before the summer. She walked in and sat next to me and she smiled and looked really happy to see me. I hugged her. We had the same conversation just like old times when we were in chemistry class. It was nice to talk to her after feeling crappy. I’m also excited because I get to play guitar. The teacher is really funny and carefree. He evaluated all the students and he asked me if I was a sophomore and my friend laughed at that because we were talking about how I look like a freshman. And our teacher was very confused. This class was okay. But my friend has her own friends and she really tries to include me into her friend group but it really isn’t working out. I just feel like such an outsider and feel like I’m intruding. Plus, she and her friends have their own “guitar gang.” They played songs together and I was just on the outside. I mean I was right next to them… but idk. This is just my anxiety mixed with my overthinking.

Period 5 was forensics (again) because it’s every day. It basically went the same way as it did yesterday. But my teacher was having one-on-one conversations with students and she called me up today. Guys, she’s really nice. Like realllllly nice. She asked me personal questions like what I did over the summer, what I like to do, etc. And she never seemed tired or pissed off. She’s full of energy and she smiles a bunch.

Period 6 was lunch. I got rid of two (kind of) anxiety-filled tasks. I went to the math department and asked to rent a calculator. And then I went to my old English teacher’s room and asked him for a recommendation.

Period 8 was AP Biology. The teacher is very… mainstream? She curses here and there and she talks like a high-schooler. She seems pretty cool but she also intimidates me. I don’t really know anyone in this class. But we didn’t do any work (Thank goodness) We played the game “Cards Against Humanity” and finding a group of people wasn’t so bad. I asked this girl and she smiled and was really nice when I asked if I could join her group. Our group’s cards truly sucked. But the game was better than work.

Then yeah the day was over. I’m really not sure about senior year at this point. Not having friends in some classes doesn’t really bother me… but then other times it does. I just want to get rid of the negative mentality I have. My day wasn’t even that bad but my mind makes sure to think of all the lows. I don’t know what I want anymore. I just want to be happy. But how can I be? I’m so confused about different things. People always tend to, excuse my language, but people always tend to fuck me over. I’m tired. I just don’t know how to feel or what to feel anymore. How can my mind be able to twist something good into something horrible?

I want to be happy. I convince my mind that I’m going to be happy and I’m not going to not let my negativity overrule that. But how can I be positive when seemingly all the negative outweighs the positive?

I have to be in a class with a guy who I still like and still want to talk to, but know that I can’t because he doesn’t care the same way about me. I want to get a job but I’m not even sure where to apply or if I even have time through the school work. If I’ll even do good during an interview. There are college applications I have to start and once I fill those out I know life is just changing.

But the problem is: I don’t know if my life is changing for the better. 

If I keep having this negative mentality how will it ever be fixed? Can it be? Will I always look at life like this? I know happiness isn’t a time period, or a future, but it’s a choice. But how can I choose happiness when there’s a wire in my brain that always wants to give up?

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hello, Senior (still can’t believe I’m saying that): Day 1

my first day of senior year.

You know, I always told myself I would never believe that I’m a senior until the very first day… but now that the first day has happened it feels like I won’t even believe it until graduation. I would literally be sitting there in a sea of students with a cap and gown and be like, “Wait… I’m a senior?”

Lol I’m kidding, but lowkey that’s what it feels like.

If anyone doesn’t know, because I know school systems are different all over the world, senior year is a prettttyy big deal. Senior year is also what we call 12th grade. It’s the fourth and last year of high school. It’s the year before you decide what college you’re going to go to. It’s the year before pretty much knowing what you’re going to do with the rest of your life. Prom, graduation, last time in high school… all that stuff.

So yeah… it’s very big. I’m not sure what my year holds but we’ll see how it goes.

So today was the first (last) day of school. We call it first last day because it’s our final first day in high school.

My school has an odd and even schedule and we alternate between even and odd every day. There are eight class periods. One day, which might be an odd day we have class periods: 1,3,5,6, and 7. The next day, an even day, we have class periods: 2,4,5,6,8. We have 5th and 6th period every day because those are alternate lunch periods.

Today was an odd day. My first senior odd day. Here’s how it went…

Period 1 was chorus class. I was actually surprised when I saw this class on my schedule because it was my alternate class in case any of my class suggestions weren’t available. I’m actually pretty happy I’m in chorus, the class I didn’t get which was music technology, I didn’t really want to be in that anymore.  Plus I get to professionally get help with my singing and I would have the music teacher I’ve had since freshman year. I really like her because she’s really chill and she knows all my music history. And she’s really enthusiastic and she’s always happy when she sees me. When I walked in the class there was A LOT of people. Hi, Anxiety. I didn’t think there were any seats left in the second row. But my feet were just taking me to who knows where. Then I see one of my friends who I bond with over Fifth Harmony. The seat next to him wasn’t taken so I sat there and he said hi to me. It was nice. We had a funny conversation here and there and we made fun of each other like we always do. It’s really comforting because there were 60+ people in that room and I wasn’t friends with ANY of them but him. It was such a huge class because I think it’s a combination of different chorus classes. But there’s an upcoming performance October 17th and I’m pretty excited.

Period 3 was AP Psychology. It’s funny it’s my last year in this school and I still get lost. I came in after the bell rang but my teacher didn’t mind because it was the first day and school announcements were going over the intercom. Again my feet went to who knows where and I found a nice seat in the back. I’m really excited to take this class because psychology really, truly interests me. The mind is so complex and interesting… why wouldn’t you want to know more? So we had this ice-breaker activity. It was kind of okay compared to past icebreaker activities I’ve endured (cringes). The teacher is really, super nice and she seems pretty chill. I saw one of my friends in this class but I didn’t sit next to her (because I was late). Then we played a game of would you rather.

Period 5 was FORENSIC SCIENCE. I’m REALLY excited about this class (as you can tell by the caps). I love forensics, it’s as interesting as psychology to me. I love watching shows like Criminal Minds because that feeling of adding up all the evidence to catch a suspect is so thrilling. I saw a girl I knew and was friends with last year. She said hi to me but she has a lot of her own friends in the class. The teacher also seemed chill. She said she didn’t like ice-breakers (THANK YOU) so we just did a lab activity where we went to different stations and examined “evidence.” It was really fun. But it would be more fun if it was either individual or I was with someone I knew, ya know? I don’t really know if I’m going to make any friends in this class which kinda sucks because I have this class every day and it’s really fun so far. I don’t know… I had this same thought junior year for 5th period and I just so happened to make a really good friend who I still talk to. But we’ll see how this class goes.

Period 6 was lunch. My best friend and I have the same lunch!!! We both had anxiety over this. We sat outside for the first time and it was really nice. Like why haven’t we done that before? (Maybe because you get that “outside” smell and you start sweating and you have to… okay let’s not think of the negatives) My friend was really hyper today so she made a lot of conversaton and we talked about little things. It was also really nice. I wasn’t really hungry because I had too much anxiety.

Period 7 was English. When I walked in I really hoped and prayed that there would be a friend in that class that I was really friends with. I sat at the back. There are two guys that I know in that class. One guy, I knew from freshman year who… okay so apparently he had a crush on me but he never told me himself his friends always told me, so I’m not completely sure. But other than that, we were good friends. The other guy, I knew from my sophomore year, he always used to call me “Cory” because when we were in the same government class there was this kid named Cory who we both used to talk to and he made such a big deal about it like “ooo look at you too.” But no, it wasn’t that deep. I was only friends with the Cory guy for a semester but literally, whenever I saw this friend junior year he would keep calling me that. He even told me once that for a second he forgot my real name lol. But this class he actually called me Rebecca. Thank. Goodness. He said hi and was his usual goofy self. The other guy (the one who had a crush on me) said hi to me and smiled too. The class was full of people I kinda knew here and there but weren’t like close with. These were the only two people I knew a little bit. This teacher again seemed pretty chill. Thank goodness my odd day teachers are chill. She’s really nice, she smiled at me. We went to go take photo ID’s this period and I just have to say… the guy who took my picture? He was really nice. And idk when I see and meet people I don’t really know I come off as kinda cynical because I don’t really trust anyone. I don’t like being too nice because people can be pretty mean even when you’re nice and it makes you feel like “Oh? Okay…” But as soon as this photographer said hi to me I smiled and said hi. He seemed really nice and he was. I didn’t have any pockets and I was holding my phone so I had to tuck it into my leggings. He told me to stand to lean forward a bit and I was adjusting my phone and I was like “Ergh sorry” and he said “No, it’s okay! I understand. Take all the time you need.” Then he asked me how my day was and he laughed when I responded with happiness. He was just like an up-side stranger to my day. I really like how my ID turned out. I compared it to the one from my past years and dang the GLO UP lol. After photo ID’s we went back to the classroom and the teacher explained some classroom stuff. Then she said that we would have daily 10 minute journals writing about whatever we wanted. And she wouldn’t check them or look at them, no one would. This sounds so relaxing and chill (<– how many times have I used that word? Lol I’m sorry it’s just so perfect). Which it was (apart from the hand cramps. Thanks summer).

Then the day was over and I went on the bus with my best friend. Then she told me that she forgot her artwork in the desk on her first day (she tends to lose stuff… but really, girl? On the first day? Her mom was saying the same thing) But it’s okay we went off the bus and got it and then got some slurpees and went home. Then I took a nap and started overthinking and stuff.

Honestly? I’m not sure about senior year. The above stuff sounds okay but I really wanted to highlight the positivity, not my overthinking. None of my like real, good friends- the ones I can vibe with without over thinking are in my classes. So it sucks. But my friend sent me her schedule and we have guitar class together so that’s amazing and a weight off the anxiety. This is the same friend who let me chill with her friends during a fire drill even though I felt like I was bothering them. But I also have pre-calculus and AP Biology tomorrow… My friend had AP Bio and she said the teacher already assigned work…. hahhhhh.

I’m just scared of not making many friends and COLLEGE is a monster. I have to start applications and making DECISIONS. I also want to start working because ya knowww I wanna make some money.

I want to be okay but my mindset just wants to set to the default of losing hope. None of us know the future. We don’t know where this path leads. But we hope so much that it leads to happiness and strength. I hope that every day.

Let’s see where that hope takes us.

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