anxiety doesn’t stop with family.

Another event I didn’t know of.

This past Saturday there was another planned family event that no one told me about. It was my uncle’s engagement party. But he’s not that old he’s only 28 or near that age.

When my dad told me about the party I kind of didn’t want to go. I love my family but I’m always the odd one out and I never feel like I fit in because all of my cousins are older and I never know what to say to them. Anxiety doesn’t stop with family…

Actually, this is the environment I got my “shy” label from. This side of the family always saw me as quiet. But I was only like 7 when they gave me a label, they never even gave me a chance. Now, that label is over my head whenever they see me.

This is one of the reasons I didn’t wanna go. They never give me a chance. And I’m always gonna be a shy, little girl in their eyes.

As I said before, I love my family, but this was one of the worst nights of my life. I had SO much anxiety. I felt so uncomfortable and out of place. I felt like a stranger in my own family.

An actual stranger. One of my aunts had a baby that I didn’t even know about. And the uncle who was getting engaged? He has a brother and his brother is already married and has a kid. I didn’t even know this.

I thought the idea that no one told me anything was me being a lil dramatic but no. No one really tells me anything.

My anxiety was so off the charts, I don’t know how I didn’t break in the middle of the party. The only thing I ever did was sit at a table and conversate with some aunts and uncles who sat at the table but not much.

Maybe you’re wondering how I could just sit at a table while I was in a room of my extended family. I don’t know either. My anxiety is just… I don’t know. I honestly don’t understand how people can socialize. I had no idea what to say to anyone, what was I gonna talk about with people? I don’t know how to go up to someone and start a conversation. What would I even say to my middle-aged cousins? I don’t see my extended family that much, only at holidays… so I’m not really close to anyone. I didn’t know what to say.

It even feels weird typing it because honestly… What the hell is wrong with me? How can I not socialize with my own family?

I don’t know. How many times am I going to say that?

I just felt so out of the equation.

The uncle who was getting engaged? He came up from behind me and instead of a “Hi” or greeting or whatever he said, “Hey, instead of no-cializing, can you do me a favor? Can you take a picture?”

It was horrible. I knew I didn’t belong there. Even though my blood technically belonged there (because blood relatives) my body and my being were not meant to be there.

I remember I saw one of my cousins and she said “Hi” but the way she said it… she didn’t even say my family pet name or any name at all. She just said hi like I was a customer who walked into a store. And this cousin has known me since the moment I was born.

I always thought when I grew up with these great, at the moment, people around me they would be there to comfort me, to teach me things, to be a phone call away. When I was young, they paid attention. They cared more. But now that I’m a teenager? They don’t really care at all.

Or maybe that’s not true.

I think there might be some repressed memories I’m choosing to forget.

Because there’s one memory I remember that broke my heart back then and breaks it now.

It was Christmas and I was like prepubescent young maybe 8 or 9. Everyone gathered to take pictures: the young people of the family cousins, young uncles and aunts. And you know everyone was gathered to take the picture and everyone was standing and posing and then one uncle is like “Wait you guys forgot about Sisy!” (my pet name, short for sister. My bro gave it to me) It was the worst feeling in the world. I was literally forgotten and I was sitting right there. And then I got in the picture but it was like a pity picture.

And you know? They did that same exact thing the other day.

All the female cousins were gathered to take a picture. At first, I didn’t realize they were taking a picture then an aunt tapped me on the shoulder and enthusiastically said: “Sisy, go get in the picture!” But this aunt was the only one who noticed, none of the people posing for the picture could’ve cared less. And my aunt (the same one who told me to get in the picture) I think she felt a little bad for me because no one asked me to get in. But like I said before, no one posing cared less. So my aunt had to make the excuse that “Oh you’re not the cousin, right?” (in a nice, sympathetic way, I love this aunt) Because technically my mom was the cousin (she wasn’t in the picture either).

They did it to me in the past, they did it now. 

As soon as we left, I got in the car and cried silent tears because this is my life. I didn’t fit in when I was a kid, I didn’t fit in now.

I don’t understand. Sometimes I don’t understand why I’m still here. How I’m still here. I can never picture myself not having anxiety, in general, but also with this family. How am I going to act when I get married or something? Will my husband’s family even like me? How can I even be okay with the term “extended family” when I’m as anxious as I am?

I know I’m reaching wayyy into the future. I’m only seventeen. But this is what I think about. I can’t see myself changing.

I can’t see things changing for me.

Do you ever wonder if your family really loves you or if it’s just forced? I know my mom, dad, and (let’s be honest, sometimes) my brother loves me. But what about those who don’t know anything about me and vice versa? The ones who have drifted apart with time and hardships?

Does their love come from the heart? Or does it come from the blood?

Do they even like seeing me?

What is wrong with me? Why doesn’t anxiety stop with family?

The only difference from the past and the present is the knowledge of my anxiety. When I used to feel uncomfortable like this, I never knew what it was. But the worst part is, my family doesn’t know what it is.

They think I’m just like this because I’m a teenager with angst and unsociable means. When literally the idea of social interaction makes me feel physically, emotionally, and mentally uncomfortable.

Trust me, knowing that I have anxiety has made my life make more sense. But it has not made anything easier.

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hello, Senior (nope still can’t believe it): Day 2

If I thought yesterday was something, today is definitely way more than something.

If you read my post yesterday: hello, Senior (still can’t believe I’m saying that): Day 1 then you know that it was an odd day yesterday.

So today was an even day I had periods: 2, 4, 5, 6, and 8.

Period 2 was pre-calculus. Apparently, my school has these “portables” now. These portables are just classrooms outside the school because our school didn’t have enough rooms and there are A LOT of students. There are about 900 freshmen. It looks sort of like an RV or the outside of a motel (without the peeled off paint, it looks pretty nice). But it’s not as bad as I may describe it to be. It looks just like any other classroom. But of course, after going outside to the portable I have to go all the way to the other end of the school for my next period… someone’s playing games lol. This class, I didn’t feel good. One reason is that I had a stomach ache that morning that continued throughout that period but it wasn’t painful… something else gave me a more sick feeling.

Phoenix is in that class. I walked in like two minutes before him. He sat in the very front and I was in the third row. He literally sat two head spaces in front of me. It was horrible. He has a lot of friends in the class and I only have one friend and I didn’t even get to sit next to her because the seat next to her was taken. Having to look at the back of his head and feeling things was like the boss level of anxiety. I’ll probably write more about this subject in another post because I really need to individually vent on this one thing. The teacher didn’t seem very nice but he wasn’t mean either. I don’t know, he kinda unbalanced the stream of chill teachers I was having. But we’ll see how it goes. At the end of class, I talked to my friend and it was funny because she didn’t bring a jacket and I told her she didn’t make the right choice. Because that portable? F.r.e.e.z.i.n.g. And today it was raining too so…

Period 4 was guitar. I was excited because I knew my friend was in this class and we hadn’t seen each other since before the summer. She walked in and sat next to me and she smiled and looked really happy to see me. I hugged her. We had the same conversation just like old times when we were in chemistry class. It was nice to talk to her after feeling crappy. I’m also excited because I get to play guitar. The teacher is really funny and carefree. He evaluated all the students and he asked me if I was a sophomore and my friend laughed at that because we were talking about how I look like a freshman. And our teacher was very confused. This class was okay. But my friend has her own friends and she really tries to include me into her friend group but it really isn’t working out. I just feel like such an outsider and feel like I’m intruding. Plus, she and her friends have their own “guitar gang.” They played songs together and I was just on the outside. I mean I was right next to them… but idk. This is just my anxiety mixed with my overthinking.

Period 5 was forensics (again) because it’s every day. It basically went the same way as it did yesterday. But my teacher was having one-on-one conversations with students and she called me up today. Guys, she’s really nice. Like realllllly nice. She asked me personal questions like what I did over the summer, what I like to do, etc. And she never seemed tired or pissed off. She’s full of energy and she smiles a bunch.

Period 6 was lunch. I got rid of two (kind of) anxiety-filled tasks. I went to the math department and asked to rent a calculator. And then I went to my old English teacher’s room and asked him for a recommendation.

Period 8 was AP Biology. The teacher is very… mainstream? She curses here and there and she talks like a high-schooler. She seems pretty cool but she also intimidates me. I don’t really know anyone in this class. But we didn’t do any work (Thank goodness) We played the game “Cards Against Humanity” and finding a group of people wasn’t so bad. I asked this girl and she smiled and was really nice when I asked if I could join her group. Our group’s cards truly sucked. But the game was better than work.

Then yeah the day was over. I’m really not sure about senior year at this point. Not having friends in some classes doesn’t really bother me… but then other times it does. I just want to get rid of the negative mentality I have. My day wasn’t even that bad but my mind makes sure to think of all the lows. I don’t know what I want anymore. I just want to be happy. But how can I be? I’m so confused about different things. People always tend to, excuse my language, but people always tend to fuck me over. I’m tired. I just don’t know how to feel or what to feel anymore. How can my mind be able to twist something good into something horrible?

I want to be happy. I convince my mind that I’m going to be happy and I’m not going to not let my negativity overrule that. But how can I be positive when seemingly all the negative outweighs the positive?

I have to be in a class with a guy who I still like and still want to talk to, but know that I can’t because he doesn’t care the same way about me. I want to get a job but I’m not even sure where to apply or if I even have time through the school work. If I’ll even do good during an interview. There are college applications I have to start and once I fill those out I know life is just changing.

But the problem is: I don’t know if my life is changing for the better. 

If I keep having this negative mentality how will it ever be fixed? Can it be? Will I always look at life like this? I know happiness isn’t a time period, or a future, but it’s a choice. But how can I choose happiness when there’s a wire in my brain that always wants to give up?

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working through my Anxiety.

Guys, I did something today that, before, would have scared the life out of me because of my anxiety.

I talked to an adult to schedule an appointment on the phone!

I know, if you don’t have anxiety that might seem like nothing to you. But for a person with anxiety, it’s a pretty huge step.

I usually get my parents to talk to adults on the phone because of so many different reasons: I don’t know what to say, my voice gets shaky and nervous (and high pitched like hey, what’s up pre-pubescent Rebecca) it’s a situation a person with anxiety would very much want to avoid and never encounter.

I could’ve waited for my dad a few days to call them and make an appointment but I knew that was going to take a few days. Plus I knew I would have to make appointments with them in the future and my dad wasn’t always gonna do it. So I had to start doing it by myself to take a task off his list.

I mean, if I’m talking to a friend on the phone, at first, if it’s a new thing I get nervous but it’s my friend and that’s easy. With an adult, that you don’t know and is at a business etc., it’s more difficult. You don’t know how they’re going to react, what they’re going to say- if they’re even nice. It’s nerve-wracking.

But I wanted to call them. I needed to.

I need to prove to myself that I can live with my anxiety. I need to prove to my worries and fears that I can overcome. I need to prove to my deep sadness that crawls out here and there that I can do it.

I need to prove it to the lady who told me I needed to get a “self-help book” to fix my problems.

You see, last month I went to a workshop that my school’s career center had. It was information about how to have a successful interview with an adult or superior There weren’t many students, there were just 5 of u… so that’s great. No one to hide behind. And yes the lady in charge made us share opinions and all that ishh. And from the first, few minutes she was already labeling me like everyone else in my life. Telling me I’m shy. I know. I need to speak up. I know. I need to be more open. Wow, she’s really not letting this go. Literally, this lady was the epitome of every person who labeled my anxiety as “shyness” or “quietness.” And she WOULD NOT leave it alone. She kept pointing me out and asking me questions I didn’t know the answer to… and she waited and I just felt like exploding. I wanted to leave the room but with so little people I would cause a scene and I would not want that. So she gave everyone interview example and she asked us to consider a weakness that we have and tell it out loud to the other kids. I didn’t know what else to say so I talked about my overthinking and how it messes with my mind.

This lady literally looked me dead in the eye and told me, “You know what? I think you should order a self-help book and boost your confidence… you should also grin more.” 

I didn’t smile a lot, I don’t like pleasing people with my smile. Why would I? If I like you, I’ll smile. And really, Miss, how are you gonna tell me to grin more? It’s not like you were giving me reasons to smile. The self-help book kind of threw me off guard for some reason.

That day was a really bad one for me. I believed. She didn’t know my story but I felt like she was right. In a way. It felt like she was. When she looked at me like that, it was like “Damn. Can I even do stuff like this with my anxiety?” Could I be capable of living a life with anxiety? This was a freaking school workshop about job interviews, it wasn’t even a real interview but this lady read through my deepest demons… dug them out and used them against me. I thought that since she’s an adult she’s right.

I’m going to struggle. I’m going to cry. I’m going to fail.

Going back to the phone call… It took me ten minutes to even call the people. I dialed the number then proceeded to just stare at my phone building the muster to hit the call button.

Then I clicked it. I needed to, like I said before.

This past weekend, I as in one of my deep holes. I really didn’t see a way out because everything was coming out of the dark: my anxiety, my friends that I seem to “burden,” my family being better off without me and my episodes, the guy who wasn’t capable of feeling the same way about me or even caring enough to keep our friendship, etc.

Then I got brought out of my hole. God really carried me through this time.

But getting out of that hole meant things needed to change. And the main thing that needed to change is my anxiety and how I deal with anxious situations.

If I’m going to live long enough to see how my future turns out I need to be okay with myself. Even if that means I have anxiety. I need to live with it. I need to live through it. I know, I know I’m not my mental illness but it’s what I have right now. It’s controlling me, it’s showing me what I don’t like and what I’m not comfortable with.

But if I’m going to try harder, I need to cross the comfort zone line a little bit. Even if it means making a  mere phone call to schedule an appointment.

It might not seem like much to you… but to that girl who was so scared that anxiety would take over her life where she sees that she’s not able to live with it, this is the world to her. 

And that’s who I’m doing this for.

I’m going to take more steps like this in the future. Even if they’re small steps. I’m going to stop allowing things to happen to me and start confronting. I’m going to start telling people my feelings, little by little. It’s gonna take a whole lot of time. I might find myself losing a bunch of hope but…

A week ago I couldn’t even picture myself making that phone call. To myself, I literally did the impossible. We never really know what we’re capable of.

Why stop before trying?


Also, side note lol, the lady I talked to on the phone was super nice. I could understand her and she never seemed to get upset with me or seem pissed off. I literally told her the dates and times and she was like, “Yep, okay. Got it!” She told me to have a nice day and I told her the same. It really was a weight off my worries and in the end, I was like “See that wasn’t so bad Rebecca! I’m so proud of you! (YES I talk to myself like this, do you have a problem? Lol)”

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maybe.

maybe i’m shallow.

maybe i’m overdramatic.

maybe i’m selfish.

maybe i’m waiting for someone to take time away from their life to notice that i’m not okay.

maybe i’m waiting for that little piece of hope.

maybe i don’t want a mask of a smile anymore.

maybe i’m ready to admit that i’m not okay.

maybe i’m trying so hard to hold on.

maybe it’s hard every day.

maybe seeing other’s happiness is hard for me.

maybe i’m trying so hard to not listen to the voices in my head.

maybe i’m so confused about where my life is headed.

maybe i’m putting too much hope on future promises.

maybe i’m putting too much trust in people.

maybe i’ve been broken too much.

maybe it’s a sign that i should give up.

maybe this is just a phase.

maybe no one wants to ask.

maybe no one knows how to.

maybe people are focused on their own lives.

maybe i’m being self-conceited.

maybe i care too much about people.

maybe i care too much about what people think.

maybe trying isn’t working anymore.

maybe there’s too much on my plate for me to handle.

maybe i need help.

maybe i’m scared.

maybe i want to fix myself but i don’t know where to start.

maybe i’m waiting for someone, anyone, just to ask me

“Are you okay?”

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to: my anxiety

You have taken so much away from me.

You have made people look at me differently.

You have made this whole life thing harder for me.

You make me cry at night.

You make me wonder why I’m like this, why it has to be this way.

You make me quesrion whether I can survive with you on my shoulder.

You make me want to give up and give in.

You destroy relationships with people I don’t want to let go of.

You ruin my day by consuming my thoughts with sadness and worries.

You make me question my humanity because honestly this feeling shouldn’t be normal for a human.

You make me feel useless, worthless, ugly, insufficient, uninportant, etc.

You give me headaches and tears and anger and strife. 

You aren’t seen by anyone but I can definitely feel you, you’re always there haunting me.

You don’t even exist to some people which then makes me look weird to said people. 

You just make me so mad, so sad… and I want to scream and shout and throw things at you. I want to make you go away. I want to kick you out. Because then I MIGHT be able to live.
But how can I kick you out when you live inside of me? 

How can I get rid of you, Anxiety? 

You’re my constant nightmare.

Except…

You’re there 24/7 

And no matter how many times I kick you out, you always find a way back in. 

With even more scars and tears. 

to be wrong.

We all know what it’s like to be wrong, right?

Whether it’s when you raise your hand to answer a question in school or it’s a mini-argument about opinions or facts with your friends.

It’s okay to be wrong. But it’s embarrassing. Our pride gets bruised and how the other person responds to the incorrectness is crucial to how we’re going to feel about being wrong.

Either way, being wrong sucks. But it’s okay to be wrong— because that’s how we learn.

But what if you were wrong about how a person felt towards you?

Do you know what that’s like?

If you don’t, you’re lucky. If you do, wow. It truly, honestly feels like crap.

It’s extremely hard to be shown the truth. Because your mind has already put this perception of “how they felt” in your mind and it’s hard to let it go. It’s like believing in something for a long time and then figuring out the mind-blowing truth. The only examples I can think of are Santa Clause and the tooth fairy but it’s deeper than child beliefs. It’s a person… and your heart.

If there are signs and memories involved. Woh, that makes the situation ten times tougher. There were, what seemed to look like, “hints” that your mind and heart considered. How you think they felt is of course backed by evidence and this is the evidence. How they acted towards you. How they talked to you, their word choice. It’s all considered. But now that the truth is out and they actually don’t feel the way your mind perceives— what’s to become of those signs now? What were they? Who was this person, really?

And to not only be wrong about how they feel but also about who they are? It’s horrible.

Especially if you let the person in and opened up to them in a way you’ve never opened up to anyone else. But that never mattered to them.

Actually, nothing involving you mattered to them. No matter how much your heart wanted to push that thought away, maybe it’s the truth. If it’s not, where are they to prove you wrong?

Maybe all those weeks of pushing for the relationship to keep standing, it was just always meant to fall apart. You can’t force something that’s not there… that doesn’t want to be there in the first place: feelings or friendship.

It takes two people to build and maintain a relationship and if you have to question the other person’s intentions and whether they care about you, not because you’re scared but because they never proved to have cared… there’s a problem. And if you have to guess their feelings based on signs— you know that there is a miscommunication somewhere.

It’s dark and depressing to be wrong about someone and the way they feel. So don’t force a relationship if your thoughts and perceptions of the person are what you have to believe in instead of the person itself. If the person doesn’t show you who they really are then what’s making you stick around?

Don’t stay just to be burned. Trust me, this is coming from a girl who’s just been incinerated.


I knowww my blogging game truly sucks. But I’m going to try really hard. It’s like I stopped using blogging as my therapy and I miss it. I vaguely remember whenever I had feelings or emotions to vent, I always pulled up this page and it made me feel better. But so many factors have ruined that feeling for me. But I’m going to try harder.

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Rant: I’m GROWING UP??!?

As hard as it is to believe, I am.

Excuse me is there some time genie I could talk to about this? Because…

06.21.17

I GOT MY FRICKIN LICENSE!!!

Of course, I was so nervous and I blanked out when I had to start the car (fortunately they didn’t test me on that).

But my uncle knew I was nervous and he eased my nerves. Practicing with him has helped me a lot (I mean compared to my dad’s teaching yelling, yes, my uncle has helped me a lot). He prayed for me before the test and he kept me calm. And the moment I passed he gave me a side hug and told me that he knew I could do it.

So during the test, I was a shaky mess. But I kept under the speed limit and kept within the lines, and parked very nicely. The lady wasn’t mean, she was very calm. When she said the words, “You passed.” I couldn’t really believe it because she said like it was something casual and she like packed it in with the rest of what she said, so the “You passed” was packed in with everything else she said. But once I registered it, it was like “Wait, what? Did you just say I passed? I passed?!?” I was smiling so much, everyone in front of the motor vehicle place was staring at me like “Why is this girl smiling she’s literally walking into the place where time stands still (because it literally does)?”

Even though I was really happy, the place really killed my vibe. I waited until the place closed aka 2 hours later. I was cold and hungry. I really don’t know what happened. They never called my ticket number. By the time I went to the counter and the lady (who I have to say, was extremely nice) asked me “Are you excited to get your license?” I responded with excitement, or at least I tried to… the near-hypothermia might’ve messed up the excitement.

But on Monday, I got my license in the mail and I’m so so so happy.

06.28.17

I took my senior pictures!!

I had to go to school early for this college workshop at like 10 until 12 then I had to go for my pictures at 1:15. So what would I do for an hour and 15 minutes? I went to Macdonald’s. It was so nice. I just spent time with myself sipping a smoothie. But I didn’t feel lonely. It was so nice to just be in that moment with myself.

Lol then I had to do my makeup in a Macdonald’s bathroom. But can I just say that the one near my school, the one I went to, they play some really good music. Lol I felt so pumped and confident while I put my makeup on.

Then I went back to school to take the pictures. You know what they were playing when I walked in? A Fifth Harmony song. They were playing Fifth. Harmony. It’s like they knew I was coming lol. It turned out really good. The photographer was really nice and he actually showed me the pictures and I looked so grown up that I had to take a reality check and ask myself “Woah, wait, that’s really me?”

So yeah that’s been the growing up that I’ve done so far. Honestly, I’m not freaking out like “Nooooo, I don’t want to grow up!” I’m kind of finding myself easing into all of this day by day. Like I”m growing up, finally. I’m maturing. I’m becoming who I am.

I mean I had anxiety in both instances. Mostly in the second instance because no one was there with me. But I made it through. I made it through? Agh I did!

Future, here I come?

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