my two good days.

This school week was honestly okay. I might even say it was good.

Of course, work-wise: School was a pain. College transcript request forms were due this week and I had to lockdown, for sure, my college choices. And my classes are all going through the information fast, especially my two AP classes. It feels like it’s May when teachers just need the info to absorb into our brains. But it’s only September (Guyssss, October is tomorrow, can you believe that?).

But I had two really good days. Filled with happiness and away from anxiety.

The first day was this past Thursday. It was “senior Unity Day.” Basically, senior unity day is the day seniors take a field trip to this farm and just have a fun time with your friends eating food, play games, etc.

Honestly, I didn’t think I was going to go to senior unit day but my best friend convinced me. Also, the night before I was doubtful and afraid to be excited… because I mean it’s my life. I’m so scared to be happy because I don’t want it to be taken away. How do I not think of it like that?

But I actually had a really good time. I have friends. I didn’t even realize it. I have a group of friends. My friends and my friend’s friends and we all spent the day together. We ate lunch and went on a zip line together. We went on this playground and took lots of pictures. We laughed and smiled.

To be honest, we didn’t get to do that much. Because there was a time limit, the line for the zip line itself was a 30-minute wait. By the time we got there it was almost close to 11 and we left at around 1:30.

So here are the details of that day…

I hung out with a lot of friends but I hung out with my best friend and one of my friends I got close with junior year. We all laughed a bunch. At the start, we all got soda and clinked our glasses making a toast.

Then we got food and it wasn’t thatttttt great. But it was food. My friend got a burger and I got a hot dog so we both would be able to share in case we didn’t want the one thing but didn’t wanna get both. My best friend is h.o.r.r.i.f.i.e.d. by bees. And it’s like the bee knew. Because it only went near her food. Guys, it literally only went in her cup and started drinking her lemonade… my best friend was literally done at this point. She just walked away from the bee lol.

Then my friend and I needed to pee. At first, we thought the bathrooms were port-o-potties so we went to where they were. But they were all locked and we were so confused. Turns out, the bathrooms were actual bathrooms in the dining area part and we concluded that we were dumb.

Then we went in line for the zip line. It was a longggg wait but it was nice catching up with my friend. I was very scared to go to the zip line. It’s like the feeling of going on a rollercoaster. Except I hate rollercoasters and I’ve only been on a zip line once and I loved it. These jerks got in front of us while my friends and I were talking to each other so we just ya knowww did the same and got in front of them and they went out of the line *high-fives each other like bosses* Then we got closer and closer and it got scarier. My friend and I were holding hands until they had to put the equipment on us. The moment I stepped up the ledge to be hooked onto the rope I was scared. The moment I had to step off I was hella scared. But it was so nice once I dropped off. It was like the calmness and serenity that you want every day. Just looking down and seeing life pass by is so serene and amazing. But unfortunately, it didn’t last long. But it was still fun.

Then my friends and I just hung out and the day was over. My face hurt so much from smiling and my throat hurt from yelling and talking so much. Imagine if I didn’t go, I would literally have avoided one of the happiest days of my life. Because this really was a happy day of my life. I never felt like a label. I never felt like the odd one out. I never felt anxious (aside from the zip line but even that was okay because my friends were there to comfort me). I never felt outside the circle. I felt okay. I felt… I was happy. It was a really good day.

The next day, Friday was a good day too. It was my best friend and another friend’s birthday. The other friend wanted to go downtown and watch “It” that scary movie with the clown. I questioned why she wanted to see that on her birthday and she said it would be balanced out because afterward, we would watch a happy movie. That was her solution fixing the scary with the happy lol. My friend was the only one who wanted to see it, the rest of us were all cautious but went anyway.

We took a bus downtown from school and then we went to go eat. It was nice having a conversation and again, it wasn’t awkward for me. I didn’t get anxiety. I felt okay.

We went to the movie theater. So only 3 of us out of maybe 7 or 8 of us got to see “It.” Because most of the girls didn’t bring their photo ID’s and you need to be seventeen in order to see it. (That pun/play on word tho, it’s greatttt) We were all seventeen but they just didn’t have their ID’s. They had a plan to sneak in. But there was this security guard who was very suspicious from the jump. I didn’t like him. He heard some construction workers laughing and he immediately ran to see what was going on with a straight face, holding his flashlight like a weapon. Then he asked to see our tickets and he was like “I saw you two walking one way so I’m questioning you about your tickets.” Literally, we were five feet away from the vendor guy and we were the only ones there.

I honestly don’t know what happened to the plan but it only came down to three of us. I was okay with it. Except for the fact that this movie was everywhere on social media with everyone scared regardless. I was so scared to see it. I’m a wimp in haunted houses, I get scared easily. When I first started watching Pretty Little Liars and Criminal Minds I got nightmares. So this was… it was like the boss level of it all. I honestly thought I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. But my resolve, guys! I’m actually so proud of myself.

I, Rebecca, survived a scary movie.

It honestly wasn’t even scary. I thought I would avert my eyes through it all but it wasn’t scary. It was just cringey and disturbing, the middle school relationships and the whole school scenario made me want to throw up… those kids were a piece of work especially that kid who was a borderline psychopath. I wanted the clown to take him.

Okay, the clown. That’s another story. Like what the heck dude. In one scene, it just danced and it looked like a joke. It was like I was watching a meme. That clown was creepy. I’m glad I never liked clowns.

But overall, going to see a movie with friends was really nice. I had a really fun time. We laughed a lot during the movie and talked through it (but no obnoxiously).

And that was my two good days. It’s pretty much due to the fact that I’m warming up to these friends who I was kinda awkward with at the beginning. But I’m getting able to know them and their personalities.

I honestly don’t know where this is going but I feel like I’m finally being able to be an acual senior. But like I am, I’m always scared of happy. I’m scared to have complete happiness because that has never existed for me.

I don’t know where this is going to go but all I know is that I had a really good 2 days.

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love and hate: rain.

believe it or not, but I…

used to hate the rain.

I found it hard to even type that.

Now, before you come at me with your “What the heck Rebecca? How do you hate the rain?”

Just hear me out.

Look at that word usage, “used to” meaning I thankfully don’t hate it anymore.

But my relationship with the rain has been a hate and now love one.

And the best loves are the ones you hate at first, right? (No one ever said that don’t quote me lol. In this kind of situation, it’s true. In others, get the hell out.)

Why did I use to hate the rain?

I was a kid. I think that’s a solid argument.

What do kids want to do most of the time? Play.

Of course, I wanted to play outside, not sulk inside because of the rain.

The rain ruined my happiness. Plus, the appearance. It was always gloomy and brought my mood down.

I even remember this one time, as a preteen, when my friends had this group text conversation. Two of my friends loved the rain and I was just like “Wait… what? Noooo the rain is crap! I want to go outside, it’s ruining my plans.” (I was in seventh grade, please don’t blame me)

But yes, there was an actual time when the rain was my enemy. I mean I wouldn’t say, an enemy it wasn’t the spawn of the devil… I just didn’t like it. It wasn’t my favorite.

Then a few years pass and I start going through hormones (ew puberty) and emotions. I’m no longer a child. And all the dark thoughts and emotions start coming in.

I still don’t like the rain but I don’t hate it either… does that make sense? It was like my feelings were now nearing the middle of the “hate” and “love” spectrum,  maybe even inching close to love?

But the rain wasn’t my best friend. Whenever it rained and I already felt down inside it was like an extra reason as to feel crappy. Like the world needed to remind me that I felt like crap inside. It brought me more pain.

Then, recently, a guy came along. And yes, this is the recent guy I always talk about. But this post isn’t about him so I won’t say his pseudonym but my involvement with that whole thing does relate to rain.

He brought the rain for me. He was the rain to me. He brought me to tears and gave me pain.

I remember when I stopped talking to him for two weeks and it rained a majority of those two weeks (it was April showers season, but I still think it’s a sign).

Those two weeks are how I came to love rain, like really love it. When I got a love for photography my freshman year I saw rain as beautiful and pretty but the two weeks the guy broke my heart, I truly loved rain.

I started loving it because it connected with me.

Yes, I felt like crap inside but the rain wasn’t really “making fun” of it, like I used to see rain as doing to my pain before.

No, it’s like the rain was with me. It’s pain was shared with mine. The world cried and I cried and I don’t know call me weird… but it’s like the world was sharing in my pain. Whenever it rained, I felt okay. Why? Because the world was sad too.

It felt okay for me to feel sad and to cry because the world was too.

Now, the rain is like my best friend. It calms the storm in me… no matter how ironic that might be.

It makes the pain and heartbreak okay for some reason. The way it looks… and sounds… just makes life feel okay for a moment.

And I no longer relate rain to sadness. Because it’s not true anymore. Rain isn’t sadness. It’s happiness. It’s serenity. It’s calmness.

It’s the feeling that even through all the pain and the tears, everything is gonna be okay. Sometimes the tears just have to flow and you need to let it all out.

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i miss him. sugar and salt.

I mean he’s still “here.”

I see him here and there. And I started talking to him again but not like I used to… I can’t talk to him like I used to because I know he only says lies.

So it would be a little weird to miss him if he’s “here” and he’s not like in some other country or leaving my messages on read in the summer (was that shade? Nope, it was the honest truth) right?

Wrong.

I miss him.

By this, I mean the him I fell for.

Not the him I know now.

Just a few months ago, he was different. It’s honestly like I’m talking to a different person… That’s what it feels like.

I know that there can be a lot of sides to a person, but him?

It was hard to know who I was talking to on a day. A jerk or the one I fell for.

Who’s the “him” I fell for?

The one who cared about my day and asked how I was doing. The one who would text me as soon as he woke up, I knew because the time stamp said 5am or 7am and would tell me “Good morning” or “Good afternoon.” The one who could tell something was wrong with me just because of a couple of words and actually cared enough to know what was wrong. It never felt forced.  The one who used to want to know about my secrets and my past. The one who wanted me to be happy and have a good day and if I didn’t, he would want to know what went wrong. The one who asked me about my anxiety and looked at me in a way nobody ever did.

The one that whenever something happened, he used to be one of the people or the only person I wanted to tell because I felt safe telling him and I knew he wouldn’t judge me.

Now all that’s left of him?

A jerk with a big ego always making jokes wanting to outmatch me.

He was always “outmatching” me before. I mean if he was sweet all the time? That would be too much sugar. The outmatching was balanced with the sweetness.

But over time, the sweetness went away and all that was left was salt. And if salt could be expired (in an alternate universe)… he would be like expired salt.

He doesn’t do any of the sweet stuff mentioned above anymore. All he does is “play games” coming for my shortness in jokes wanting me to come back at him with a joke. I don’t really mind this, but the fact that this is what’s left of us? It’s sad. It’s like his sweetness was a guest who didn’t want to stay for too long.

And when he does “care” it just seems so forced considering all the other crap he’s put my heart and me through. If you read the messages, it would be evident he doesn’t care or he doesn’t care like he used to.

i miss him.

i miss the him who did all the sweet things above.

i miss the one i fell for.

i wish to see him again someday.

but he might never show up again.

because he’s being taken over by another.

what changed? i don’t know.

why doesn’t he care anymore? i don’t know.

i don’t know what happened to him.

but can he tell that him that i miss him?

will that make him come back?

or is this who he really is?

who was “he” then?

did that “him” ever exist?

was he fake?

i don’t know.

all i know is that i miss him.

Whoever he was.

And as long as that him is gone,

I’m currently not falling for anyone.

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Quotes from My Social Media When I Was a Preteen: DEEP EDITION

Ok, WHO LET ME HAVE A SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNT AS A KID??

Lol, really?

Because I went through all my past tweets and wow… Lol, a majority of what I tweeted about was homework being boring and school seemingly never-ending. To be honest, this young girl did not know stress even though she was complaining 24/7.

So, I’ve been doing this thing where I gather all my quotes and put it in a journal because I want it to all be in one place. I did this for all my poems on Tumblr and now I did it for my Twitter.

But guys… I did not expect all my tweets to be so cringe-worthy, funny, etc. I literally had those two emotions the most reading through all of them like “I said that?”

But Young Rebecca was as deep in her feelings almost as much as this Rebecca. Why? I don’t know… fanfiction maybe? I watched A LOT of rom-coms as a kid.

But I also was… psh was, I still am, not to be egotistical ya know lol. But I was funny as a kid like I am now *attempts hair-flip* But the funny tweets I have saved for another day because this is… *drum-roll*

THE DEEP EDITION OF YOUNG REBECCA’S TWEETS:

Lol, most of these originate as early as 2012. Buckle in because most of these, I don’t even know what I was going through to be tweeting something like this as a kid but here we gooo… (I might add little comments in between)

ITALICIZED AND BOLD: Young Tweeter Rebecca

NORMAL TEXT: Present Rebecca (Wow, I don’t get any special fonts or such? … sorry it would be confusing. Am I arguing with myself? …Possibly… Because it relates to the rest of this post like how I’m talking to my younger self, ya see how I fit that in? Just get on with the post bruh… ok lol)

  • “i guess people don’t look on the inside. they’re too focused on the outside to care.”
    • I knew this was a good tweet because one of the “popular kids” who used to follow me (who rudely unfollowed me) retweeted this and I got excited. It’s kinda sad what excited me back then but I really like the quote. It deserves snaps like after a poem… ok I’ll stop.
  • “i do hate you but i don’t want to let go of you.”
    • The funny thing is, I honestly have no idea who this is about. The date of this tweet was before my 1st major crush soooo… really have no idea lol.
  • “am i talking to you, or a stranger? do I still know you? or have we forgotten each other? did i really know the real you? we’ve drifted apart?”
    • It’s coincidental how relatable this is at the moment.
  • “when it seems like it’s not reality, i wake up from the dream of life and fantasy.”
    • I really don’t though lol
  • “if you couldn’t care less, then why are you thinking about it now?”
    • Damn. Is Young Rebecca coming for my life?
  • “if it feels like your world is crumbling and nobody loves you, God loves you no matter what”
    • Too true though. My faith strong since the young days.
  • “there isn’t a time when i don’t think of memories.”
  • “i was saying you should come back now i’m singing “you shouldn’t come back” 
    • Anyone know the Demi Lovato song, “Shouldn’t Come Back?”
  • “there can be more than one side of a person.”
    • DON’T I KNOW
  • “how do you figure something out if you don’t know where to start?”
  • “closing your eyes won’t make the problem go away.”
  • “i miss the person that you used to be.”
  • “please stop changing.”
    • This was when I was in my “I hate change” phase
  • “the moon will follow us home.”
    • The start of my love and obsession for the moon. Basically it’s where our love story began lol
  • i would’ve smiled at your face but that would’ve been too much for me to take.”
    • FOLLOW YOUNG REBECCA’S ADVICE, REBECCA
  • “it’s like the past is repeating itself.”
    • It is though. This is why I need to read and re-read these.
  • “you knew what you were getting yourself into.”
    • Yeah… I did. It’s like Young Me is scolding present me
  • “i’ve literally made it so obvious… you might as well be oblivious.”
    • *cough* Phoenix *cough* but really how oblivious that boy is… I can’t
  • “i don’t want to get lost in the dark.”
  • “i’d wait all day just for a moment.”
    • It’s sad how true this still is
  • “i wish i could go back in the past and whisper, “wrong person.”
    • yes, Yes, YES
  • “just when i was starting to get to know you, you leave.”
  • “you never know what you can find when you start exploring your options.”
  • “we would remember that day like it was yesterday.”
  • “secrets are dangerous. telling the wrong person will lead to disaster and it’ll kill you inside.”
  • “i don’t want a stupid coincidence haunting me forever.”
    • Hi Overthinking, how are you doing today?
  • “i miss you too but you’re not what i want anymore.”
  • “at this point can you just tell me if you like me or not? Please, it’s killing me.”
    • Relatable, at this very moment
  • “if only i was that piece of special for you but i never was and i have to accept that.”
    • ERGHhghhhhh this makes me cringe. Because I wrote this unsent letter to my very first MAJOR crush and burned it. My friend told me to write it because it helped her because she wanted to get over someone too. And so I put like lines from the letter on my twitter because he followed me on twitter and I hoped he would see it eraskldfsjdls I still cringe. The next two are quotes from that letter too. I was in deep. I didn’t even have one real conversation with this guy. But can you blame me? It was middle school lol
  • “we never said goodbye but we didn’t have to because we felt it.”
  • “there will always be a vacant space in my heart for you.”
  • “there’s a star out there destined for you and your wishes.”
  • “what about a person who lies about their lying?”
    • THEY NEED TO LEAVE THEN bye
  • “someday those eyes that i fell for are gonna be the eyes that i envy.”
  • “i wish i was stronger. Mentally, not physically.
    • This was during the time I actually realized that strength was more than just muscles. I’m really proud of how far I’ve come.
  • “it’s hard to believe that certain things are real sometimes.”
  • “do you remember me? or am i just a faint memory?”
  • “there are people you thought would never hurt you. yet, that’s all they do nowadays.”
  • “you never really had to go… you just didn’t want to stay.”
  • “i finally figured out that every compliment you give me comes with an insult.”
  • “when i’m away from the harbor, i need an anchor.”
  • “hearing you insult someone else makes me wonder what you say behind my back.”
    • This tea tastes really good
  • “you used past tense. meaning we aren’t anymore. not like we were anything.” 
  • “everyone has the path that they’re walking on. i’m still trying to figure out which way to go and where mine leads.”
    • Still haven’t figured it out
  • “i’m done telling this story. i want a new story to tell.”
  • “people left. i had to change, it was the only way that i could move on.”
    • And now I accept change. It’s cute how I can see my development lol
  • “i didn’t come all this way for nothing.”
    • No you didn’t 🙂
  • “the only thing i’m holding onto right now is hope.”
    • I remember I tweeted this the night I realized I was only still alive because of hope and I should keep holding onto it.
  • “i look at my past as a journey of the person i’m becoming.”
    • And sometimes a journey of my cringe developing but mostly the first one
  • “i would rather regret something i did do, than something i didn’t do.”
  • “the camera can never capture the true beauty that you see through your eyes.”
  • “the one person you don’t want to see is suddenly the only person you ever see.”
  • “treading shallow water is too easy. the big waves are your competition.”
  • “let it rain for a while, i’m getting a rainbow afterward.”
  • “it doesn’t feel real. whenever things change, it doesn’t seem real.”
  • “the funny thing is, no matter what you do or have done to my heart it’ll always find a way to forgive you and your bs.”
    • Hey look, this Rebecca is more recent lol
  • “why did you have to bring the rain?”
  • “i should’ve just let you focus.”

Lol, I honestly thought I would cringe more but it was more like Younger Rebecca was giving me a lesson and coming for my life. Now I’m picturing a young me at a classroom blackboard with a pointer stick while present me sits in a chair listening (and a bit scared)… my imagination is… But there ya go! There’s deep young Rebecca for ya! I hope you learned something from her because I sure did. This post was really fun to write, be sure to look out for the FUNNY edition of this blog post which is coming soon (she says hopefully)

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Contact, Social Media, if you wanna talk…

So I thought this stuff should get its own post because who looks at my contact page? *crickets*

Lol, but even I don’t look at pages, I barely have time to look at blog posts throughout the day.

But just in case anyone is wondering, if anyone would wonder my anxiety says, here’s where you can contact me if you ever want to talk or want to follow me and want me to follow you on social media… Even though I only have one social media account for this blog.

By contact I really mean anything, if you just need someone to vent to or you wanna show me some music suggestions or you just need a conversation, I’m here! I honestly mean that. I know sometimes you feel alone, I do too… but you’re never alone.

Email: hopelesslystrong27@gmail.com

I’m down to have a conversation here or to talk on hangouts. Trust me, once we start talking I can’t shut up. Honestly, if you want essay emails here ya go.

Instagram: @melancholy_hopefulness  (just have to credit the amazing person who thought of this username for me, Kate from All The Trinkets who is such a creative bean and awesome person. She didn’t even ask me to put herself there but she deserves it)

My Instagram has always shown at the left side of my blog. Some people have seen it, but I’ve never talked about it in a post. I really love photography. It’s one of my hobbies up there under music and writing. I started taking random pictures of the world when I left middle school. It’s like once I left that school I got so interested in photography. At first, it was just pictures of sunsets and clouds but then I wanted to start experimenting. I still take photos of sunsets but I take pictures of people sometimes and I don’t shoot pictures I take outside randomly anymore because I took a photography class junior year which taught me about photography rules and stuff. I try to get angles and new perspectives. I dream to be able to buy my own camera someday in the future.

So if you really love photography you can follow me there! And if you have an Instagram too, I’ll be happy to follow you back just tell me your username and I’ll stalk you… that was a joke lol. I promise not to stalk you. I’ll look at maybe ten pictures. Ok, I’ll stop talking… (I’m honestly not gonna stalk you… I don’t even have the attention span to read 10 blog posts lol) MOVING ON

Kik: rebecca_zecca

Lol I never thought I would ever write that. Because I really don’t see a point to kik. But I downloaded it for one of my friends to talk to her (because I’m a LOYAL friend lol) So yeah it’s there on my phone. Since it’s there why not use it to talk to more people? So if you have one you can have a convo with me on there too 🙂

This is no attempt to make my blog seem “better.” Or anything like that, if that’s the kind of vibe this post is giving you… (my anxiety is worrying about that) I just want anyone to know that if they do want to talk, I’m here. I love talking and getting to know new people and it would be really cool if we got to know each other aside from the blogs.

Ok, that’s all I have to say! If you wanna let me know that you’re following me or adding me or sending me an email leave it in the comments and I will be 100% sure to check it. Thanks for all the love and support!

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“so… you don’t talk and you don’t eat?”

And he thought this was funny…

So today my cousin had a housewarming party for the extended family and there were maybe 30 people who came.

I didn’t know about it until this very morning… but it was nice.

This past week was the third anniversary of my great-aunt’s death and her death really affected me. I never really understood the feeling of someone you love who’s gone until she died. Because before this, I was too young to understand. She had three daughters and two of the daughters and their families live in another city. I haven’t seen them in THREE YEARS, the same amount of time my great-aunt has been gone. I guess there were some bad ties between the family since the death… I don’t know no one tells me anything. (Let’s go back to the fact that I didn’t even know of this housewarming party until this morning) The whole “beef” (yes, beef. Lol I don’t know any other word that outmatches that) thing I guess created the distance in our whole extended family. But I guess everything is forgiven now?

Their kids though. Like when I last saw those kids, they were all so small… smaller than me. Now, they’re all tall and stuff. They even intimidated me. But my one cousin who is one of the ones I haven’t seen was really nice. He hugged me as soon as he walked in. TIME REALLY DOES CHANGE YOU. Most of those kids were unrecognizable. I still can’t put a face to the youngest sister because SHE’S ALL GROWN UP. My cousins were there and they hugged me and made small talk.

And the food. Yes, the food deserves its own section. Because I was hungry and I didn’t eat any breakfast between going to church and going to the party. It was a great feeling once it was time to eat.

I haven’t been with this same family (my mom’s side) since like December. It was nice. I’m not gonna lie, there were deep moments of anxiety (because no, it really doesn’t stop when you’re with loved ones) but it was a balance.

But something that made me feel horrible?

There was this Indian elder who I didn’t know. I don’t think he was a family member, maybe just a family friend.

So when I was getting food, he was behind me in the line. I. Was. Getting. Food. And he says “Do you usually not talk a lot?” I was getting food, man. Who and why would  I be talking when I’m getting food? And it’s not like he was starting a conversation with me, he came out of nowhere saying that to me. I didn’t even realize he was next to me until he said something. I’m thinking about my food, okay? I haven’t eaten anything all day. Please, leave me alone.

I agreed, saying I don’t talk a lot. Because I don’t, I guess. Hi, social anxiety. He laughed at that? I didn’t find it funny.

Then I’m eating my food and everyone’s outside on the porch. I didn’t even realize I was sitting next to the same person… I was too mesmerized by the food. Then as this elder gets up to throw away his food he says, and I quote,

“So… you don’t talk and you don’t eat?”

Excuse me?

He was literally sitting next to me, could have been watching the food transport from mah fork to mah mouth. And he thinks it’s his place to say that? Did. You. Not. See. Me. Put. The. Food. In. My. Mouth? Since he was commenting on it, he should have seen it. AND when he sad that my plate was halfway empty/full (is the cup half full or empty? hmm) BUT I WAS STILL EATING. 

And trust me, I have been bothered with these fucking stereotypes and generalizations all my damn life.

I get it, I’m quiet. I know why now, right? And when I was younger, I was as skinny as a twig, but I don’t look that way anymore. I like my body now. Finally.

But as a kid, these two things were always brought up in conversation with my extended family. No, they didn’t wanna talk about school, life, my damn well-being. They wanted to know why I was so skinny.

There were times I didn’t even want to go out to these family parties because I didn’t want to be looked at like a label anymore. That’s how much it affected and wrecked me.

This is “regular” for Indians. I’m not sure about other families… but for Indians, they’re all up in your business and they don’t care if they hurt you or not. They say what’s on their mind without thinking twice about it. Without thinking that saying stuff like that actually hurts.

Like I don’t already look in the mirror trying to find beauty in my petite stature which never seems to change no matter how much I eat.

Or I don’t already silently die inside anytime my anxiety comes into play and social interaction makes me feel physically, emotionally, and mentally uncomfortable.

What did I do when he said that?

As soon as he said “So” I knew it was going to make me mad.

As soon as he said what he said I didn’t smile or laugh I just looked down and he laughed. I did not laugh at all. I didn’t find it funny. It wasn’t. I don’t get what he found funny the first time or second. Usually, I just have to brush it aside when it comes to stuff like this because why would I want to make a scene in front of everyone? I wouldn’t. But as soon as he said that I wanted to retaliate. I wanted to say “Did you not see me eat?” or “That’s really not funny.” Or I wanted someone to hear him and not think it’s okay. But I knew that if someone heard it they wouldn’t stand up for me, they would just agree with him.

Trust me, I don’t like talking about adults like this. But he crossed a line. A line I thought I was over.

It took me a long time to accept myself for who I am. To actually look in the mirror and love myself. Because I KNEW no one would completely stop making comments about my weight or “quietness.” Knowing that I had to accept myself and move on stronger.

So far, so good. It hasn’t been a problem for a few years. But there are moments when times like these are like old triggers and I go back to the little girl I was.

So confused as to why being quiet was seen as weird and why everyone was talking about my weight.

And I can never stand up for myself because if I did I would be seen as the “child” who doesn’t know any better. Plus, I would probably cry making my point.

It’s just not fair. Why do they always have to pick on me like I need a label?

Do I have to apologize for the person I am? No.

I eat. I am healthy. I love food, in fact, it’s on my list of loves.

I talk. With people I like/love and can vibe with. If I don’t then I’m in my thoughts, is that so bad? I don’t like talking in crowds.

What. Is. So. Wrong. With. That?

But the thing that bothers me the most is that this man didn’t know me for more than 10 seconds. Yet, he took out 2 of my worst labels that I’ve struggled with in those 10 seconds and brought me back to the pain of labels. Back to that scared little girl who thought in order for the labels to stop she had to fit their “image” of self-acceptance and not her own.

And I can never be “chill” about that.

How is it okay for someone, even an adult, to ask that? I have no idea.

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poems, poems, poems #3

Poems I put up on my Tumblr:

  • Topic: Phoenix

i did all I could to make you stay.

i cared.

i was vulnerable.

i opened up.

but i guess it wasn’t enough for you.

 

your actions never came from the heart…

instead, they came from your ego

-realizations.

 

i can’t say your name anymore.

you’ve become the “he who should not be named”

and i finally get why the mere mention of a name means so much.

it’s because it’s more than just a name.

it’s the whole fucking memory of you.

all the times i said it while i vented to one of my friends.

smiling because of the way it rolled off my tongue as i recollected a story that used to make me happy.

when i yelled it out because you were being “annoying”

using it as a foundation for a nickname.

your name has become more than just a name.

it’s a trigger.

those seven letters…

they give me hell.

 

i want to hope. i want to believe. that you think of me as much as i think of you.

that here and there you think about picking up the phone to talk to me.

that you think of moments we shared to make you smile.

that you miss me and you actually care.

that you’re not forgetting me.

that you’re not losing your focus on us.

Even though I know,

it’s all a lie.

 

confession.

i still have that picture of you on my phone.

when you were smiling and we were together, content with the world.

i can never look at that picture…

but i can never delete it either.

 

that “I miss you” text is never gonna come, is it?

because if it did…

it would be a lie.

 

“why wasn’t i enough for you?”

-my heart.

 

and after all this time i still delude myself into thinking you feel the same way about me.

-toxic.

 

no, it’s not the thought that counts, it’s the action.

because in that case, you’re just saying shit with no intention of following through.

 

it’s not easy for me to act like nothing happened.

that’s what makes you different from me.

 

you gave up and i gave in.

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