poem: pretty girl trying.

10.20.17

Pretty girl trying

Twirling around

Flowers in her hair

Wants to be found

No one to call

No one to look for

All she has left

Is a scar on her big toe

Making use of the time she has left

Pretty girl trying

Jumping over cracks

Grass on her sleeves

Wants to look tough

No stars to wish on

No wishbones to break

Just a cloud to hope for

While she washes away

Tell me your story

Give me something new

So that the pretty girl trying

Isn’t the only one who feels like dying

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friend rant: half-hearted.

Yes, this rant was triggered by a magazine.

So there’s this magazine we get and it’s a part of our church. It’s basically a religious magazine with stories about different churches in our area and different religious schools and what’s going on in them.

So one of my… I don’t really know how to refer to her anymore. Uhm, in middle school, I went to a private, religious school and we had our own friend group. It was the four of us, Luna, our other friend, Draco, and this friend… the one I’m going to talk about. I don’t really know if I should give her a pseudonym or not… It feels weird to give her one… But yeah it was the four of us through anything. In eighth grade, we realized how much we meant to each other because the next year we would be separated and in the big, bad, scary world of high school.

It was like I had three sisters.

Of course, our friend group went through stupid fights but we still managed to stick together.

When we did go to separate high schools, Luna and I going to the same one, Draco going to another public school, and this friend going to a boarding school in another state, we still managed to hang out here and there. We saw each other maybe once a year.

Then this friend said she was going to move the summer after sophomore year. She said that it wasn’t really a big deal because she barely saw us anyway due to the fact that she went to boarding school. But seeing that text of hers saying she was moving still hurt.

And it didn’t help that at the time, I was mad at her.

Because during this time, she was too busy to reply to any of my messages.

I understand that she’s a state away and her school has sucky wifi… but it still hurt.

It always hurts.

I used to talk to her about guys, go on rants about life, ask her how life was, shared songs with her, etc. There used to be a time where it would be weird if I didn’t talk to her for weeks… Now?

Then we all met up twice in the summer (summer after sophomore year) before she moved away. We started talking more that next school year, junior year. I told her about the new guy I liked, Phoenix and actually, she was one of the first people I told when I started getting feelings for him. I would always go to her about guy stuff. And I always loved her support because she was always there to listen, whether it was a boy rant or a song of mine.

She always told me how she could see me recording an album or a music video and I always loved her for it. She was my best friend since middle school and this was why.

But then… she got busy again.

And I again got mad at her.

But then, after a few months, she group-texted the three of us saying she was visiting in the summer (summer after junior year) and that we all should meet up.

I got petty for a second. I didn’t want to reply to the group text since I was mad at her. I was still going to hang out with all of them, I just didn’t respond to the messages. Then she, individually, texted me asking me if I was going… and she replied to the messages I sent her 3 months prior. I got petty and mad at her for that. But I didn’t want that anger to overtake me when I saw her… I mean I didn’t see her or Draco in a year. My pettiness could take a seat.

She was only staying for a week and we only got to hang out for one day then she had to go back home… which wasn’t in the same state, I had to remind myself. After the hangout, we texted each other a little bit. Then we stopped again. Then I showed her a song and we started a little conversation. Then she got busy again.

It was the same cycle.

But we had each other’s Instagram and that was our only constant with each other. I would like her pictures, she would like mine. And that was our friendship. She didn’t respond to my texts but she liked my pictures.

Ahh… this digital age of technology. Makes us teenagers antsy and petty.

And that’s how it’s been up until now, we don’t talk that much. I don’t even know how she’s doing and vice versa. It’s funny, I used to tell her all about my life and I just don’t anymore. It just happened. I know how it happened but sometimes it’s like bam, the miscommunication just happened out of nowhere. We both just went on with our lives, I guess.

So, let’s go back to the magazine. This friend’s boarding school is always featured in the magazine. Even though the boarding school is in another state, it’s a part of this magazine because it’s a part of the same religious and church system. I always thought one day there would be a picture of her but there never was. So I stopped looking.

Then, one day my mom comes into my room and is like, “Look who I found! Look who’s here!” And in that magazine, on the page my mom folded to show me, was her. My friend. The same one I haven’t talked to since July. As soon as I saw her face, it felt foreign. I didn’t really smile. It felt fake to smile knowing how our friendship stands. I just stared at it and my mom left the magazine with me to let me read the article.

So, apparently, she got her own page in the magazine and wrote a column. I took a picture and sent it to Luna and Draco. But I didn’t read it before sending it.

She wrote about friendship and how she found it at her boarding school. I didn’t think much of it because I found some really good friends in high school too… but then she said something specific that really hurt:

“If you had asked me what friendship was, I am quite sure I would have replied half-heartedly, because, before attending (her boarding school), I only knew half-hearted friendship.”

Half-hearted friendship.

Luna replied back saying, “WHAT OUR FRIENDSHIP WAS HALF HEARTED?” And Draco didn’t reply but I’m going to ask her about it when I see her next week.

It hurt.

Damn, it hurt so much.

Because when I was going into my holes, back before I knew that I had anxiety, that whole friendship, the 4 of us, that was one of the things that made me feel loved. Made me feel okay. When I felt alone in high school, I still had them and that made it all better.

But she says the friendship was just half-hearted.

Maybe she didn’t think I would see it. I mean why would she? I didn’t even know I would see it. But I did… and she still wrote it.

Whether the 3 of us would see it or not doesn’t really matter.

If she said it, she said it.

I’m not mad at her. I don’t really get mad at her anymore. It just is what it is.

No, friendships don’t last forever. But this was one of those I thought that would. She was there in some of my highs and lows. She understood when no one else did.

And we barely know each other now.

And the knife is pretty twisted into the heart.

She used to be one of my best friends… now, I don’t know.

Before reading that article I was thinking about our friendship and I didn’t know.

The magazine was like the final burn of a cut.

This is just how life is.

Some things don’t last forever.

And that’s okay.

Because sometimes, the best things come back to us.

And if they don’t,

it’s not what was best for our lives.

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you are enough. and you don’t need a signifcant other to prove that.

As a quiet, observant teenager I notice a lot of things.

I see stories, I see people, I see things no one else sees.

But there’s one specific thing I’ve seen that really bothers the hell out of me.

And that specific thing, I’ve seen in the actions of my own generation, in kids of my own age… in me.

Teenagers have built a toxic mentality when it comes to having or falling for a significant other. 

I’ve seen it in television, in my friends, and as I said before, in me.

You see, when I was falling for Phoenix I did things I’m not proud of: I put him in the forefront of my mind. 

The only texts I cared about was his.

The only smile I cared to see was his.

The only person I wanted to hug was him.

There was even a time when I used to pick my friend up after her first period last year and half of the reason why I wanted to was because he was in her class (half, I still wanted to see my friend… but that doesn’t justify my mentality).

But it’s not only me who does this.

In the past week only, I’ve seen my friends do it too.

My best friend, Luna, has liked her crush for 3 years. She’s a very closed off person and is very unemotional. So it’s hard to talk to her about things or have her talk about her feelings.

I don’t like her crush. He’s not good for her. And her mentality is truly toxic. She’s the type of person that, if she were to fall in love, she would love the guy 100%. And she would love him and not love herself, the only way she could love herself was if he loved her for herself… if that makes sense. And it pisses me off because she deserves so much more than a guy. But a guy and loving a guy is the only thing on her mind.

The only thing on our, teenagers, minds.

So I showed her something that hurt and she was unemotional about it. I asked her why she doesn’t care and she told me she’s pretty much unemotional about things… unless it involves her family or him. Him. Basically, she said she doesn’t care about anything unless it involves this guy. That made me mad.

Not only at her, but for her. Because her mentality is so focused on a guy that she doesn’t even realize the toxicity of it.

But I can’t be mad at her because I used to be her.

I mean Phoenix wasn’t the only thing that made me emotional over the past year, but whether I talked to him or not it determined my mood for the day sometimes.

And I couldn’t control it.

And another example, one of the many things Luna cares about it how fast her crush replies to her text. This week, he took 4 days to reply to a text of hers. That was pretty much one of the only things on her mind.

When she told me that (through text), I didn’t reply to her text.

Because of a text? Really? It’s only been 4 days. As long as you know he’s going to reply it’s all good. At least be thankful you know he’s going to reply.

She, again, pissed me off.

Why? Because she puts all of her efforts into pleasing this guy? Yes. But also I can see pieces of the girl I used to be in her. The pieces of a girl who was falling headfirst before thinking about herself; pieces of a girl before heartbreak, pieces of a girl who put a guy at the forefront of everything in her life.

And it scares me. Because I honestly can’t do anything for her. She knows what happened with Phoenix: all the heartbreak, overthinking, and tears. I even told her before that I don’t want her to feel the way I felt over Phoenix. But it won’t change her mentality. Because this guy is “all she has.” There’s no one falling for her. So she falls for the only person she can fall for in her life.

And I haven’t only seen this in Luna, but my other friends.

This week at lunch, one of my friends said that she wants a boyfriend. Because she wants someone to hold her, give her cute hugs and all that. Make her happy. My other friend, Hydra, agreed with her.

Why?

I don’t understand it. I mean, I do, I’ve lived through it. But why are we like this?

When my friend said she wanted hugs and happiness I thought, “Don’t we,  your friends, give that to you? Isn’t that enough?”

Isn’t it enough? Isn’t the love of friends and the love of yourself enough?

Why isn’t it enough? Why doesn’t it feel like it’s enough?

Why is it that as teenagers we always chase after someone? I know for a fact one of the reasons I wanted Phoenix so much was because I just wanted cute hugs and hand-holding. But can’t my friends give that to me?

Actually… my friends do give that to me. But the difference is, when they hug me I ACTUALLY feel safe and loved, something Phoenix has never made me feel. Because, as much as I can force myself to believe something that’s not true… at the end of the day, I can’t force him to care about me as much as I care about him.

And I’m learning to accept that.

I know. Most of my friends would yell at me for not trying harder with him because maybe if I tried a little harder he would be my boyfriend. I’m in a place with him that my friends would love to be in.

A crush who actually knows your name, your personality, and knows you for who you are.

But I don’t want more… anymore.

I don’t want to force something that isn’t there.

I’m not in a place where a boyfriend would be a good choice.

I’ve never been in a relationship. Personally, it scares me. And I don’t think jumping into one is the best choice. Especially if I am “right there.”

I want to love myself before being given the opportunity to love someone else. Because maybe if I told Phoenix sooner, we would be in a relationship and I would’ve eventually fallen in love with him. But it wouldn’t have been right, to him or me.

Because there are times when I still can’t look in a mirror and moments where I find it hard to love myself.

And that’s the problem.

Society has toxified our minds.

Making us think that the only way we can love ourselves and feel “complete” is if we had someone else, a significant other, to do it for us.

But how do you expect to love someone if you can’t even love yourself?

And what would you do with yourself if that person suddenly didn’t love you anymore? Would you suddenly not love yourself anymore? Because you weren’t enough?

What is it with us and thinking we aren’t enough?

We. Are. So. Enough. It’s. Actually. Inexplainable. How. Enough. We. Are.

Yes, having a significant other to hold and be happy with would be nice… but it shouldn’t be because we feel empty inside.

It should be because we feel whole and okay that we want to share that wholeness with someone else.

It shouldn’t be because we need to be saved.

Because that person’s purpose isn’t gonna be to save you. Only you can save yourself.

Our friends, family, ourselves… that’s enough.

Just because the person you really want to talk to isn’t talking to you doesn’t mean you should treat the actual people who love you like crap.

There are some incredible people that are here for you.

Don’t take them for granted just because that one boy or girl doesn’t like you.

We have our whole lives to live and to fall in love.

Do you really wanna think back and only remember the days that went by hoping some irrelevant crush texted you or not?

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11.09.17 Story Time: The Time I Told My Crush/Friend I Like Him

WOAH WOAH WAIT… is that… is that Rebecca? Is she back from the deep, dark blog depths? Has hopelesslystrong been brought back to life?

Well, lol, hopelesslystrong never died. If anything died it would be Rebecca’s blog skills which school killed.

And if you don’t know or remember who I am, I’m someone who loves to refer to themselves in the third person.

Lol, but really, how are you guys? It’s been a while! School really has been slowly killing me. It’s November and I already have senioritis. And yes, it’s bold because it’s scary.

I’ve been so busy with my college-level classes, college essays, financial aid for college, mental emotions, feelings, homework, ap classes, etc.

I haven’t had time to even pull up my blog… but here I am! Yes, I am still here and this blog is still prospering!

And boy, do I have a story for you.

One of the main reasons I started this blog was because I wanted to be able to visit this blog in the future and look back at old posts of who I was and the things I’ve accomplished. Like an online diary but better (I could never keep up with a diary).

Well as you read from the title, I did something I never thought I would ever do in my anxiety-filled life.

I told my crush/friend I have feelings for him.

And yes, this is the same guy I’ve ridden a rollercoaster for, for the past year: Phoenix.

Since maybe September, I’ve been thinking about telling him the truth but I always shut it down because hello? I have anxiety. I could never tell him. I could never imagine myself telling him. But as days passed, things got more difficult. Example?

Nah, I’ll give you examples.

I have a friend group now and I told them all about my feelings. All of them, well those who knew him, were telling me different perspectives of the story of him and his ex. The thing is, he’s best friends with his ex. They’re always together. And one friend told me, his ex still wants him and she’s lowkey obsessed with him. Another friend told me they’re just friends. A third friend told me they got back together. And all of it blew my mind. I just wanted to know whether I was ever anything to him. Or if I was just, what the kids call these days: a side piece.

I was confused by his actions. This is the same guy who broke my heart in the summer. Somedays it’s like I was talking to a wall. A tough, brick wall. And now that we’re back in school we’re okay again? I want to know where his head is at. If I did mean anything to him.

My mind was controlling me. Every interaction with him and I mean EVERY interaction had my mind thinking “He likes me” or “No he doesn’t like me.” And it was driving me i.n.s.a.n.e. Truly insane. Because his actions? They were the definition of mixed signals. He pushed me to a wall once… nope, twice. But not in a way that hurt me. And then last week, he saw me sad and he was like “No, we’re going to talk about why you’re so sad.”

And if you asked my close, CLOSE friends how many times I’ve told them/asked them if I should tell him or not… they would give you so many detailed descriptions and time stamps of an anxious, make-up-your-mind Rebecca who was really lost.

So last week Friday, I took the one opportunity I had to ask him to talk. My friend, Hydra (yes, all my friends will have star names) and I stayed after school. We saw him walking somewhere. He started walking with me while Hydra walked ahead. He asked me where I was going and I told him. He hugged me and told me to “Be Safe.” He was about to leave but I just took that opportunity because I really didn’t know what I was going to text him to ask him to talk because I lowkey don’t like virtual him. So I turned back around and asked “Is there a day we could talk? I need to tell you something.” And he asked “When? Next week?” And I said “Yeah, any day.” He started thinking of days. Thank goodness he didn’t ask me why. He said “Thursday” but he wasn’t sure yet. He was really doubtful. He’s a really busy person. And he’s canceled on me last minute before. So I didn’t really believe that we were going to talk Thursday.

But I was still proud of myself because I made a split-second decision without overthinking it. I actually asked him to talk. 

But there was the hard part: Actually telling him.

All week long, I was anxious about it but at the same time, I wasn’t. Because I wasn’t really sure it was actually going to happen. It didn’t feel real. I mean it was me. Rebecca. Anxiety. Nervous. Worried. Rebecca. Who has never even thought of telling past crushes she liked them. Or even thought she would tell this crush she liked him. And the thought of actually telling him? I could picture it but only as a daydream. And I knew it wasn’t going to be as dramatic as my mind played it out to be.

But then we saw each other on Tuesday and I posted a video of my singing on Snapchat and he commented on it saying “I finally did it” and that made me smile because I’m really shy about my singing. He confronted me about it telling me that it was good and he wanted to hear more. This conversation happened after school, at a school club, that two of my friends: Lyra and Ethasia founded. (They are apart of the story too. They were the ones I group texted after I asked him for a day. They’re close friends with him and are sort of one of the only honest plugs to information about him and his ex and they’re really supportive and give great hugs. They’re best friends with each other) Majority of my friends were at this club including Hydra, another friend, Kara, and Phoenix’s best friend (not his ex) Linx. His best friend is a girl just so you know and she is friends with my friends which is why I started to become friends with her. But she’s also friends with Phoneix’s ex.

Do you see why everything started getting frustrating for me? Everyone is literally connected in their last year of high school. My friends would hang out with Linx which would mean Phoenix and his ex would be there. And it didn’t help my situation. I would barely talk or even look at Phoenix because his ex is honestly scary… anyway,

I didn’t want Linx to know about liking him because I didn’t know her that well. I thought she would tell Phoenix. AND I thought she would tell his ex. So no thanks.

After I had a conversation with Phoneix about my singing, which Hydra witnessed she went back in the room and said loudly to Kara, “That sexual tension though.” And he was literally r.ig.h.t. t.h.e.r.e. I yelled at her and she said she didn’t recognize his back profile and thought he was a girl because of his stance. I was still shaking inside and hit her. Then the club started but I could barely pay attention. I wasn’t sitting with him. I was sitting with Kara, Linx, Hydra, and another one of their friends. While he was sitting on the other side with his ex.

But they’re not together.

And Hydra still exposed me. She told Kara what happened and the friend and especially Linx heard. Then Hydra told Linx I was in love with him. And I was like “WOAH WOAH wait hold up, I am not in love with him. I just like him.” And Linx asked me, “So are you in love or do you just like him?” And I confirmed that I just liked him. I hit Hydra a lot after that and yelled at her. But I found out that our other friends Magi and my best friend Luna already exposed my secret to Linx earlier that day.

But she’s chill. She told me she wasn’t going to tell him. She asked me, “Are you going to tell him?” and I said, “Yeah, maybe Thursday.” She smiled and gave me a fist bump. She told me she would’ve tried to get information from me but it would have been obvious since he knows Linx and I are friends now. Plus, I didn’t need it since I was gonna tell him later that week, right? The funny thing is, she saw us when Phoenix and I were talking earlier and she “sensed” that something was there. But all my friends are just extra.

I told her a couple of things; when I started liking him, the park, the library. And she told me that he’s 100% single and he told his ex he’s not interested in her anymore. But what did that do for me?

Did I still like him? He’s done a lot of shit to me. And the main reason I wanted to tell him was so that I could move on hopefully since all of it would be out there and I wouldn’t have to overthink anymore. But I didn’t know what I wanted at this point. He was single and I was gonna tell him I like him… or liked him? I didn’t even know. I vented to Lyra about it and she eased me. But I was still scared.

Then the next day, Wednesday, came: Phoenix confirms that he can do Thursday. Lyra and Ethasia were ecstatic and told me they believed in me. This was one of the reasons I could tell him. Because I had such a great support system behind me. Even if he did break my heart, so many people would be there for me. The panic started but it was only Wednesday. The worry can wait for Thursday.

At this point, I told my friend group about confronting him Thursday and bless, cause of that great support system. Kara and Hydra said they would be at the library (lowkey spying lol) while I talked to him (if that was where he and I were going to talk) supporting me.

Thursday comes. It’s a half day at my school because the quarter is over. We got out at noon which gives more time to hang out after school. (Since it’s winter, the days are shorter here) I was nervous. But I didn’t feel the heart palpitations until I saw him.

I didn’t see him during school which is kind of a good thing because I was already freaking out.

Lunch was my last period and all my friends were consoling me and asking me if I was ready and if I knew what I was going to say and I was like “Hell no. I’m freaking out. I’m  just going to wing it.” Then the bell rang. School was out and it was time to walk to the bus stop.

I walked with Hydra, Kara, and our friend Aikra (lol these names) who was going to meet her boyfriend at 3 so she came with us. We were all going downtown. They were all going to support me at the library.

He texted me and he told me we would meet up at 7eleven. But then my friends told me he was walking up to me. All three of them were facing the opposite direction that I was. And the way I was facing, my back was turned so I didn’t see him walking up… and I really didn’t want to turn around. I told them “Really? He is? I don’t want to turn around. I’m getting panicky. That feeling is starting in my chest.” I really felt anxious and I could feel it in my chest, my heart, my throat, everywhere. Then Hydra, and her extra self was like “Okay, guys turn around let them be.” Lol, they didn’t even say bye to me and I was like “Really, guys?”

So I had to turn around and face him. I really thought he would approach me when I was talking to my friends but he let me be until I finished talking to them. I turned around and he was smiling at me. Yep, I’m done. Already. He asked me what they were saying about him and I told them “They’re talking bad about you” as a joke lol.

So we walked in a different direction from my friends because he wanted to go to a bus stop that wasn’t really crowded. Because pretty much all the kids were going downtown after school (that’s the cliche hang out place that would be in movies). So we walked all the way to a different bus stop I didn’t even know of. It was f.r.e.e.z.i.n.g. My nose and fingertips get cold so easily. And all this boi was wearing was a jean jacket. I asked him, “You’re not cold?” And he said “No. Are you?” I was packed up like a marshmallow… Man I’m just realizing I could’ve used some great sarcasm. Dang it.

I got nervous because he didn’t know I wanted to tell him something specific. He thought I just wanted to hang out. So I started panicking, even more so than before. I texted Hydra, and then Ethasia and Lyra in a group chat.

Lol so we went to the bus stop and we were the only ones there. We had to wait for maybe 20 minutes in the cold. We talked about our classes and school. This fool forgot that we were in the same precalculus class and I got butthurt and he apologized lol. He said he told people he felt like someone was missing but no one believed him. We both talked about how we were utterly lost in AP Bio. I told him about the difficulty playing bar chords on the guitar. He asked me, “Is it cause of your short fingers?” and I defended myself saying “No it’s cause of the transitioning, I’m just not used to it. I’m getting better at it. ” He was shocked at me defending myself lol because I really DEFENDED myself. Then the bus came and we didn’t know if we had to pay or use our school id’s since school let out early. He said that he would talk to the bus driver lol but he said nothing. But they accepted it. Then when we reached the stops near our school, teens got on and the bus got packed AND loud. Lol, I lost Phoenix because I was sitting and he was standing. So when it got full he had to go all the way to the back of the bus. I was like “What? Where did he go?” But thankfully I went downtown before with some friends and knew when to get off. It gave me some time to myself. But the kids, they yelled. It was annoying. They were shouting to each other on the bus. And I looked back at this lady on the bus and her face read like, “Girl, these are your people.” And I was like “Please don’t associate me with them.”

Then we got off the bus when we reached downtown and he was already out by the time I got out. He was smirking. He made fun of the fact that he could block them out with earphones but I couldn’t because my earphones broke.

I texted Hydra and her, Kara, and Aikra reached downtown before we did so there would be no awkward encounters of seeing them at the library, right? Wrong. As soon as we got off the elevator, he said: “Look who it is.” And there stood my three friends and I immediately thought, “Oh shit.” So, this made him kind of suspicious he was like, “Oh so you were on your phone like telling them, ‘Guys we’re going to the library'” And I said, “Noooo I didn’t know they were coming to the library, I thought they were going ice skating.” We were gonna go ice skating, my friends and I, but we couldn’t do it at the last minute. So everyone went to the library.

So Phoenix and I went up the stairs to the kid’s floor of the huge library. Yes, the library is very huge and very chill. We had our first hang out here back in May… and now it’s November. These months just flew by.

So when we got there he asked me “Do you want to go to the bathroom? Go warm up your hands?” At first, I didn’t want to go but I needed the bathroom pep talk lol. But I couldn’t give myself one because a mom and her baby were there and the mom was already eyeballing me for some reason. It’s like she knew. Lol I’m just kidding. So I checked myself in the mirror and took deep breaths. Then after a minute, I went back to where he was sitting then he went to the bathroom. And again, I had time to think about how I was going to tell him the truth or if I even was going to.

He came back from the bathroom and it was funny cause he took longer than me. He came back and said: “She’s wondering why this guy is talking so long, right?”

I didn’t want to like jump right into it. Because I haven’t had a real conversation with him in a long time. I wasn’t even sure this guy was still there because for the past few months all we’ve been talking about were insults and fighting each other (he comes for my life for being short). I wanted to talk to him about life and stuff, plus I needed to ease into the conversation because I was hella scared about telling him. Because there he was. I’ve been thinking about this since the Friday I asked him for a day. Wait, not even since then, since like September when I vented to one of my OG best friends, Draco, venting to her about him and she told me the only way I could move on was if I told him the truth. Now there I was.

It was nice to talk to him again. We talked about simple stuff: life, friends, family, the movie “It,” etc.

He was sitting in a chair and I was sitting on a wood panel thing. Then we switched places cause my back was hurting. And lol, I didn’t know this, but Kara later told me that she and Hydra sneaked up on us while he was sitting in the chair and they saw us talking and Hydra was really loud. But THANK GOODNESS we both didn’t hear them because he would’ve gotten more suspicious. And he’s really good at body language, so if he noticed that my body language changed cause I heard Hydra, he would ask me what’s wrong. And for some reason, I don’t see a reason to lie to him when things happen with my friends or about anything really.

But I was freaking out throughout it. Because at one point, he mentioned the people he trusted and he listed Linx, then his ex, then this other guy friend. And I asked him if he still had feelings for his ex and he gave me this disgusted “No” like there was no smirk in it or smile or anything. He genuinely doesn’t have feelings for her anymore. But that was a reason I was freaking out. And another one was that we were talking about the show “Friends” and you guys know Chandler? The sarcastic one? Well Phoenix asked me, “Would you fall for a guy who makes sarcastic jokes like Chandler?” And I froze. I literally froze and didn’t say anything to him for 10 seconds and he was like “Wait, what happened? You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to.” And I was like “No there’s nothing wrong with the question. Yeah, I would want a guy who has sarcasm.” But I freaked out because I DID fall for a guy with sarcastic jokes, Phoenix, it’s you. And then while he was talking to me there were so many indications that he just saw us as friends or it was just me chickening out.

And I was texting my friends a lot because I was freaking out, I especially texted Hydra and she gave me a pep talk; telling me I would regret it if I didn’t tell him. And when we switched sitting positions, he called me out for texting people and he was like “You’re probably telling them why is this guy talking about “It” so much?” And I told him, “No, my friends were just telling me when they were leaving.” And he smirked and said “Okay.” And turned to look out the window and I said to his hair, “You really want to know?” But YOU GUYS. I said that in the most cringe-worthy voice ever. And he kept imitating it. Urghhhhh I wanted to melt.

Then he tried to like unlock my phone but he locked himself out. Then he wiped my phone screen and was like “Do your password one more time and I’ll figure it out.” And I was like “Bruh I’m not dumb, I do that with my dad’s phone. I’m in forensics, I know stuff.” We both laughed. But I was so nervous. Literally, no words came out of my mouth. And I tried really hard but nothing. He was trying to get it out of me and he was being sweet about it. Then I told him “It makes me nervous and gives me anxiety. You know that.” And he said, “You can feel anxious afterwards it’s okay now.” I laughed and told him, “Uhmm that’s not how it works.”

Then he said, “Look there are your friends” and I thought he was kidding but there my friends were. I asked him “Is it cool if I go talk to them?” And he said, “Yeah, of course.”

I got up from where we were sitting and started talked to them. They told me that they were leaving. I felt bad cause they were like waiting for me to tell him but I was panicking. Kara told me it’s okay if I don’t want to tell him and I was like bless lol but Hydra pushed her and was like “Girl bye.” Hydra and Aikra were telling me to do it and I told them what was panicking me, him trusting his ex and the Chandler thing. Then Kara was like “Guys we’re whispering pretty loud.” We were like a foot away from him. And I turned to look at him and he was turned back at  smirking back at us and I was like “Oh shit” Then they left and I went back to him.

Then he was like, “I heard what you guys were talking about” and he was smirking. I full on started panicking. Like if I was panicking before, this was the highest level it could reach. I got so scared. I said “… you did? What did you hear?” My voice got small and my facial expression changed. He noticed how much my demeanor changed and he asked “What? What are you worrying for?” And I again asked, “Like you really heard what we said?” and he said “Yeah.” I still don’t know what he heard. We did whisper pretty loud. But we never explicitly said, “Did you tell him you like him?” They were just like “Did you tell him?” And I said, “No I didn’t tell him.”

Then he asked me this would you rather question and I answered and we talked about it. Then he asked me if we should keep asking each other those types of questions or if he should keep trying to question me about the thing I wanted to tell him.

I was, again, really nervous. He asked me “Are you uncomfortable?” And I told him the honest truth: “Yeahhhhh” He got really serious and he tried to get it out of me. He kept staring at me while the word never came out. I told him “You have to stop looking at me though.” He turned around to look out the window and I still couldn’t get the truth out and he turned back around and smiled at me and arched his eyebrow and I laughed with some nervousness.

It took like 10 minutes to get the truth out.

Then he started like looking down at his lap listening and I was like “Okay just do it, Rebecca.” I didn’t want to say I like you from the start of the sentence, not only cause I physically couldn’t but because I wanted to ease into it. So I went through our whole backstory like: “You know how we became friends junior year then we started talking and texting a lot?” Then he mentioned how we stopped talking for like those 2 weeks of the “Chapstick thing.” I was like, internally, dang you actually remembered that? Because this boi sure does lose focus a lot and forget things. Then I continued “Yeah we stopped talking for a week and we started again and we went to the library and the park… well through that, I started getting feelings for you.” To be honest I didn’t really wanna say I like you because it didn’t really feel like the right words to use. And the last part of that sentence was hard to get out but it somehow came out.

Thank goodness, because he wasn’t staring at me when I said that so it made the nervousness better. Because if he was staring at me, I would’ve bolted out of there. No running in the library? I really don’t care. I would’ve been gone. And I thought because he didn’t overreact or seem shocked (which is so great) that maybe he knew so I asked him “Did you know?” He shook his head and said “No.”He was calm, which is good. Because I, on the other hand, as you know, was FREAKING OUT. But the hardest part to say was out there.

Then I resumed the story of what happened “Then you got a girlfriend in the summer and I didn’t talk to you for a month. I tried cutting you out of my life but I couldn’t because you didn’t even know anything was wrong and I couldn’t be mean to you.” He like eased the conversation by making jokes, one of them was about cutting him out, and it made me feel SO MUCH better. I didn’t want it to be so serious cause that would kill me.

Then he was the one to look at me while I looked away and he asked me “Do you still have feelings for me?” I said “Honestly I don’t know.”

Then he was like “Let me be honest with you…” My heart was a freaking drum at this point. I was shaking and my breathing was all over the place. Then we started making eye contact again and it was out there now. So he told me that he officially broke up with his girlfriend last year, in November. Then he found out she didn’t move on and stuff. She’s still trying to get to him, even now. But they’re friends.

Then he told me about his summer girlfriend. He thought that his ex would move on if he got a girlfriend. He said he met this girl at a church fundraiser and he started liking her. Then she moved or something (honestly I don’t remember this detail, I was too busy hoping he wouldn’t break my heart more than it already was because the walls were so damn down at this point, I couldn’t build them back up) but yeah, he said he didn’t want to do a long-distance relationship.

He asked me if I wanted to know his honest feelings and I was scared at first because I really thought he was going to break my heart. Then he asked me “Why did you tell me?” I said, “Cause I wanna move on and I wanted you to know.” He said, “Dang that’s actually a good idea.”

He again asked me, “Are you sure you want to know?” I shakingly agreed. I think I was melting in the chair. He said, “First, I don’t want my ex coming after you. Because she always finds a way. She’ll find out about this one way or another, she’ll even find out about us hanging out.” I told him “That’s what Lyra told me but yeah, I’m lowkey scared of her” laughing. He said “Nah she won’t do anything. If she does you can tell me. Or if she asks you if you liked me you can say no or tell her the truth.”  Then he asked, “What would you do if she does anything?” I said “Bruh, I would run. Run really fast. I would let Lyra or Hydra deal with that but I would run out of there.”

But to be honest, I’m not as scared of her as I used to be. She’s just a teenager like me who fell in love and she’s not going to do anything to me, she can’t. I just got out of the drama, this girl is not reeling me back in.

Then he asked me, “Do you want to be in a relationship?” I again told him, “I don’t know.” Because I was honestly scared, I’ve never been in a relationship. But I didn’t want to tell him that because he’s been in a few while I’ve never even been kissed or have ever gone on a date.

He told me, “Honestly, I don’t have time for a relationship.” I know where he’s coming from and I’m honestly the same way. I don’t even have time to use my blog anymore. He was telling me, “You’re a sweet person. You’re honest, reserved, and funny.” He was like listing good qualities off on his fingers and internally I was like “HOLD YP YOU KNOW I GOTTA REMEMBER THIS TO REPEAT TO MY FRIENDS” lol if he heard my thoughts… But he just doesn’t have time because of school, church, family, soccer, college, etc. I completely understood him because I’m really busy too.

He then said “You would be a great girlfriend honestly. But I just don’t have time. I’m like a surgeon making appointments next months cause I’m so busy.”

But bless, because he was so sweet about it. He said “If you still have feelings for me in the future, you can just tell me like ‘Hey, Phoenix, I still have feelings for you'” in like this whiny voice and I was like bruh I don’t sound like that. It was nice that he was making it casual and funny because I was terrified of the conversation. He also said “I’m not going to be that person that’s like ‘Ohhhhhh I know Rebecca like me now'” all egotistically.

Plus, he knows that I tell Lyra stuff now. There was a time when he asked Lyra something and she talked about me and he said “Ohhhh that’s why.” And when I told Lyra she was like, “Bruh I was the plug, why would you tell him?!??” And I laughed and was like “It’s done dude. I wanted all the cards on the table.”

ALSO this is the big one. He wants to make sure I don’t make our friendship awkward. Which he knew I would make awkward because I’m me lol. He really wants to try he was like “We have to find ways so that it doesn’t become awkward between us. Like we can still hang out and still snap each other and talk.” I told him “You know I’m going to make it awkward though” I laughed and he smiled.

But it’s nice because he was so chill about it and he wasn’t weird about it. He was the one who made it comfortable for me, not the other way around.

Then he connected more pieces and I told him that’s why my friends were at the library, that’s what they were talking about, and that’s why I was on my phone so much.

He had to leave at around 3 because he had to go to soccer practice. So he got up and put on his backpack and asked “Should I give you a hug or should I just leave?” I told him “You should just leave… no I’m just kidding.” I got up and I got a REAL hug from him which lasted only a second and his bag was in the way. He asked, “Are you gonna ride the bus home with me?” And I told him “I should ask my friends if they’re still here.” Because Aikra was waiting downtown until 3 because her boyfriend was going to come at 3. I texted Hydra and she literally left 5 minutes before and she was like “WHAT SHOULD I GET OFF THE BUS?” lol but it was too late. Aikra was still there at a restaurant and Phoenix knows downtown better than me so I asked him, “Can you walk me there?” He said “Yeah.”

We rode the elevator and it wasn’t awkward lol but when we were waiting for the elevator he said “That’s a new belt.” I looked down and stared at him and was like “Dude really?” And he laughed lol. Then throughout our conversation I took my glasses off and when we got off the elevator everything was blurry and I said, “Wait why can’t I see anything?” And he laughed saying “What did you say? Did you ask why you can’t see?” He started dying and I told him how sometimes I walk out of the house without glasses and I’m like “Nope, can’t see shit.” It’s nice that we were still seemingly friends and he really was trying and is trying to not make it awkward.

So he dropped me off at the restaurant, I saw Aikra and one of his friends was there eating so he walked in and said hi to him. I went to Aikra and she asked “How did it go?” and I said “No hug me first” lol. She was really excited and happy because I told her that I told him over text 5 minutes prior. I sat with her and caught her up then she told me he was leaving and he walked out. Then a few seconds later Aikra pointed and said “Look there he is” and I was confused because I thought perceptions were fooling me again and I said “Wait I thought he already left” to Aikra. And she said, “Yeah he came back in to say bye to you.” And he did. I turned around. He came back into the restaurant to wave bye to me and I waved back and continued telling Aikra what happened.

Aikra’s boyfriend couldn’t show because he had to watch his little brother. So we went shopping.. sorry looking at clothes because we were too broke to afford anything. Then we went back to the restaurant to eat and the two of us had our own “date.” And I brought my songbook and Aikra read my songs and it was just a nice ending to an already good day.

I was so happy. I am so happy. I told everyone how happy and free I am. Because he knows. I don’t have to assume anymore. No more overthinking. Because everything is off the table, or on the table as Lyra and I were arguing about the metaphor lol. But it’s out. I don’t have to overthink his actions. He’s cool with it, that’s so great. I’m happy, which is a blessing. Everything turned out okay, better than okay.

The truth really does set you free. 

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my two good days.

This school week was honestly okay. I might even say it was good.

Of course, work-wise: School was a pain. College transcript request forms were due this week and I had to lockdown, for sure, my college choices. And my classes are all going through the information fast, especially my two AP classes. It feels like it’s May when teachers just need the info to absorb into our brains. But it’s only September (Guyssss, October is tomorrow, can you believe that?).

But I had two really good days. Filled with happiness and away from anxiety.

The first day was this past Thursday. It was “senior Unity Day.” Basically, senior unity day is the day seniors take a field trip to this farm and just have a fun time with your friends eating food, play games, etc.

Honestly, I didn’t think I was going to go to senior unit day but my best friend convinced me. Also, the night before I was doubtful and afraid to be excited… because I mean it’s my life. I’m so scared to be happy because I don’t want it to be taken away. How do I not think of it like that?

But I actually had a really good time. I have friends. I didn’t even realize it. I have a group of friends. My friends and my friend’s friends and we all spent the day together. We ate lunch and went on a zip line together. We went on this playground and took lots of pictures. We laughed and smiled.

To be honest, we didn’t get to do that much. Because there was a time limit, the line for the zip line itself was a 30-minute wait. By the time we got there it was almost close to 11 and we left at around 1:30.

So here are the details of that day…

I hung out with a lot of friends but I hung out with my best friend and one of my friends I got close with junior year. We all laughed a bunch. At the start, we all got soda and clinked our glasses making a toast.

Then we got food and it wasn’t thatttttt great. But it was food. My friend got a burger and I got a hot dog so we both would be able to share in case we didn’t want the one thing but didn’t wanna get both. My best friend is h.o.r.r.i.f.i.e.d. by bees. And it’s like the bee knew. Because it only went near her food. Guys, it literally only went in her cup and started drinking her lemonade… my best friend was literally done at this point. She just walked away from the bee lol.

Then my friend and I needed to pee. At first, we thought the bathrooms were port-o-potties so we went to where they were. But they were all locked and we were so confused. Turns out, the bathrooms were actual bathrooms in the dining area part and we concluded that we were dumb.

Then we went in line for the zip line. It was a longggg wait but it was nice catching up with my friend. I was very scared to go to the zip line. It’s like the feeling of going on a rollercoaster. Except I hate rollercoasters and I’ve only been on a zip line once and I loved it. These jerks got in front of us while my friends and I were talking to each other so we just ya knowww did the same and got in front of them and they went out of the line *high-fives each other like bosses* Then we got closer and closer and it got scarier. My friend and I were holding hands until they had to put the equipment on us. The moment I stepped up the ledge to be hooked onto the rope I was scared. The moment I had to step off I was hella scared. But it was so nice once I dropped off. It was like the calmness and serenity that you want every day. Just looking down and seeing life pass by is so serene and amazing. But unfortunately, it didn’t last long. But it was still fun.

Then my friends and I just hung out and the day was over. My face hurt so much from smiling and my throat hurt from yelling and talking so much. Imagine if I didn’t go, I would literally have avoided one of the happiest days of my life. Because this really was a happy day of my life. I never felt like a label. I never felt like the odd one out. I never felt anxious (aside from the zip line but even that was okay because my friends were there to comfort me). I never felt outside the circle. I felt okay. I felt… I was happy. It was a really good day.

The next day, Friday was a good day too. It was my best friend and another friend’s birthday. The other friend wanted to go downtown and watch “It” that scary movie with the clown. I questioned why she wanted to see that on her birthday and she said it would be balanced out because afterward, we would watch a happy movie. That was her solution fixing the scary with the happy lol. My friend was the only one who wanted to see it, the rest of us were all cautious but went anyway.

We took a bus downtown from school and then we went to go eat. It was nice having a conversation and again, it wasn’t awkward for me. I didn’t get anxiety. I felt okay.

We went to the movie theater. So only 3 of us out of maybe 7 or 8 of us got to see “It.” Because most of the girls didn’t bring their photo ID’s and you need to be seventeen in order to see it. (That pun/play on word tho, it’s greatttt) We were all seventeen but they just didn’t have their ID’s. They had a plan to sneak in. But there was this security guard who was very suspicious from the jump. I didn’t like him. He heard some construction workers laughing and he immediately ran to see what was going on with a straight face, holding his flashlight like a weapon. Then he asked to see our tickets and he was like “I saw you two walking one way so I’m questioning you about your tickets.” Literally, we were five feet away from the vendor guy and we were the only ones there.

I honestly don’t know what happened to the plan but it only came down to three of us. I was okay with it. Except for the fact that this movie was everywhere on social media with everyone scared regardless. I was so scared to see it. I’m a wimp in haunted houses, I get scared easily. When I first started watching Pretty Little Liars and Criminal Minds I got nightmares. So this was… it was like the boss level of it all. I honestly thought I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. But my resolve, guys! I’m actually so proud of myself.

I, Rebecca, survived a scary movie.

It honestly wasn’t even scary. I thought I would avert my eyes through it all but it wasn’t scary. It was just cringey and disturbing, the middle school relationships and the whole school scenario made me want to throw up… those kids were a piece of work especially that kid who was a borderline psychopath. I wanted the clown to take him.

Okay, the clown. That’s another story. Like what the heck dude. In one scene, it just danced and it looked like a joke. It was like I was watching a meme. That clown was creepy. I’m glad I never liked clowns.

But overall, going to see a movie with friends was really nice. I had a really fun time. We laughed a lot during the movie and talked through it (but no obnoxiously).

And that was my two good days. It’s pretty much due to the fact that I’m warming up to these friends who I was kinda awkward with at the beginning. But I’m getting able to know them and their personalities.

I honestly don’t know where this is going but I feel like I’m finally being able to be an acual senior. But like I am, I’m always scared of happy. I’m scared to have complete happiness because that has never existed for me.

I don’t know where this is going to go but all I know is that I had a really good 2 days.

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love and hate: rain.

believe it or not, but I…

used to hate the rain.

I found it hard to even type that.

Now, before you come at me with your “What the heck Rebecca? How do you hate the rain?”

Just hear me out.

Look at that word usage, “used to” meaning I thankfully don’t hate it anymore.

But my relationship with the rain has been a hate and now love one.

And the best loves are the ones you hate at first, right? (No one ever said that don’t quote me lol. In this kind of situation, it’s true. In others, get the hell out.)

Why did I use to hate the rain?

I was a kid. I think that’s a solid argument.

What do kids want to do most of the time? Play.

Of course, I wanted to play outside, not sulk inside because of the rain.

The rain ruined my happiness. Plus, the appearance. It was always gloomy and brought my mood down.

I even remember this one time, as a preteen, when my friends had this group text conversation. Two of my friends loved the rain and I was just like “Wait… what? Noooo the rain is crap! I want to go outside, it’s ruining my plans.” (I was in seventh grade, please don’t blame me)

But yes, there was an actual time when the rain was my enemy. I mean I wouldn’t say, an enemy it wasn’t the spawn of the devil… I just didn’t like it. It wasn’t my favorite.

Then a few years pass and I start going through hormones (ew puberty) and emotions. I’m no longer a child. And all the dark thoughts and emotions start coming in.

I still don’t like the rain but I don’t hate it either… does that make sense? It was like my feelings were now nearing the middle of the “hate” and “love” spectrum,  maybe even inching close to love?

But the rain wasn’t my best friend. Whenever it rained and I already felt down inside it was like an extra reason as to feel crappy. Like the world needed to remind me that I felt like crap inside. It brought me more pain.

Then, recently, a guy came along. And yes, this is the recent guy I always talk about. But this post isn’t about him so I won’t say his pseudonym but my involvement with that whole thing does relate to rain.

He brought the rain for me. He was the rain to me. He brought me to tears and gave me pain.

I remember when I stopped talking to him for two weeks and it rained a majority of those two weeks (it was April showers season, but I still think it’s a sign).

Those two weeks are how I came to love rain, like really love it. When I got a love for photography my freshman year I saw rain as beautiful and pretty but the two weeks the guy broke my heart, I truly loved rain.

I started loving it because it connected with me.

Yes, I felt like crap inside but the rain wasn’t really “making fun” of it, like I used to see rain as doing to my pain before.

No, it’s like the rain was with me. It’s pain was shared with mine. The world cried and I cried and I don’t know call me weird… but it’s like the world was sharing in my pain. Whenever it rained, I felt okay. Why? Because the world was sad too.

It felt okay for me to feel sad and to cry because the world was too.

Now, the rain is like my best friend. It calms the storm in me… no matter how ironic that might be.

It makes the pain and heartbreak okay for some reason. The way it looks… and sounds… just makes life feel okay for a moment.

And I no longer relate rain to sadness. Because it’s not true anymore. Rain isn’t sadness. It’s happiness. It’s serenity. It’s calmness.

It’s the feeling that even through all the pain and the tears, everything is gonna be okay. Sometimes the tears just have to flow and you need to let it all out.

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i miss him. sugar and salt.

I mean he’s still “here.”

I see him here and there. And I started talking to him again but not like I used to… I can’t talk to him like I used to because I know he only says lies.

So it would be a little weird to miss him if he’s “here” and he’s not like in some other country or leaving my messages on read in the summer (was that shade? Nope, it was the honest truth) right?

Wrong.

I miss him.

By this, I mean the him I fell for.

Not the him I know now.

Just a few months ago, he was different. It’s honestly like I’m talking to a different person… That’s what it feels like.

I know that there can be a lot of sides to a person, but him?

It was hard to know who I was talking to on a day. A jerk or the one I fell for.

Who’s the “him” I fell for?

The one who cared about my day and asked how I was doing. The one who would text me as soon as he woke up, I knew because the time stamp said 5am or 7am and would tell me “Good morning” or “Good afternoon.” The one who could tell something was wrong with me just because of a couple of words and actually cared enough to know what was wrong. It never felt forced.  The one who used to want to know about my secrets and my past. The one who wanted me to be happy and have a good day and if I didn’t, he would want to know what went wrong. The one who asked me about my anxiety and looked at me in a way nobody ever did.

The one that whenever something happened, he used to be one of the people or the only person I wanted to tell because I felt safe telling him and I knew he wouldn’t judge me.

Now all that’s left of him?

A jerk with a big ego always making jokes wanting to outmatch me.

He was always “outmatching” me before. I mean if he was sweet all the time? That would be too much sugar. The outmatching was balanced with the sweetness.

But over time, the sweetness went away and all that was left was salt. And if salt could be expired (in an alternate universe)… he would be like expired salt.

He doesn’t do any of the sweet stuff mentioned above anymore. All he does is “play games” coming for my shortness in jokes wanting me to come back at him with a joke. I don’t really mind this, but the fact that this is what’s left of us? It’s sad. It’s like his sweetness was a guest who didn’t want to stay for too long.

And when he does “care” it just seems so forced considering all the other crap he’s put my heart and me through. If you read the messages, it would be evident he doesn’t care or he doesn’t care like he used to.

i miss him.

i miss the him who did all the sweet things above.

i miss the one i fell for.

i wish to see him again someday.

but he might never show up again.

because he’s being taken over by another.

what changed? i don’t know.

why doesn’t he care anymore? i don’t know.

i don’t know what happened to him.

but can he tell that him that i miss him?

will that make him come back?

or is this who he really is?

who was “he” then?

did that “him” ever exist?

was he fake?

i don’t know.

all i know is that i miss him.

Whoever he was.

And as long as that him is gone,

I’m currently not falling for anyone.

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