anxiety doesn’t stop with family.

Another event I didn’t know of.

This past Saturday there was another planned family event that no one told me about. It was my uncle’s engagement party. But he’s not that old he’s only 28 or near that age.

When my dad told me about the party I kind of didn’t want to go. I love my family but I’m always the odd one out and I never feel like I fit in because all of my cousins are older and I never know what to say to them. Anxiety doesn’t stop with family…

Actually, this is the environment I got my “shy” label from. This side of the family always saw me as quiet. But I was only like 7 when they gave me a label, they never even gave me a chance. Now, that label is over my head whenever they see me.

This is one of the reasons I didn’t wanna go. They never give me a chance. And I’m always gonna be a shy, little girl in their eyes.

As I said before, I love my family, but this was one of the worst nights of my life. I had SO much anxiety. I felt so uncomfortable and out of place. I felt like a stranger in my own family.

An actual stranger. One of my aunts had a baby that I didn’t even know about. And the uncle who was getting engaged? He has a brother and his brother is already married and has a kid. I didn’t even know this.

I thought the idea that no one told me anything was me being a lil dramatic but no. No one really tells me anything.

My anxiety was so off the charts, I don’t know how I didn’t break in the middle of the party. The only thing I ever did was sit at a table and conversate with some aunts and uncles who sat at the table but not much.

Maybe you’re wondering how I could just sit at a table while I was in a room of my extended family. I don’t know either. My anxiety is just… I don’t know. I honestly don’t understand how people can socialize. I had no idea what to say to anyone, what was I gonna talk about with people? I don’t know how to go up to someone and start a conversation. What would I even say to my middle-aged cousins? I don’t see my extended family that much, only at holidays… so I’m not really close to anyone. I didn’t know what to say.

It even feels weird typing it because honestly… What the hell is wrong with me? How can I not socialize with my own family?

I don’t know. How many times am I going to say that?

I just felt so out of the equation.

The uncle who was getting engaged? He came up from behind me and instead of a “Hi” or greeting or whatever he said, “Hey, instead of no-cializing, can you do me a favor? Can you take a picture?”

It was horrible. I knew I didn’t belong there. Even though my blood technically belonged there (because blood relatives) my body and my being were not meant to be there.

I remember I saw one of my cousins and she said “Hi” but the way she said it… she didn’t even say my family pet name or any name at all. She just said hi like I was a customer who walked into a store. And this cousin has known me since the moment I was born.

I always thought when I grew up with these great, at the moment, people around me they would be there to comfort me, to teach me things, to be a phone call away. When I was young, they paid attention. They cared more. But now that I’m a teenager? They don’t really care at all.

Or maybe that’s not true.

I think there might be some repressed memories I’m choosing to forget.

Because there’s one memory I remember that broke my heart back then and breaks it now.

It was Christmas and I was like prepubescent young maybe 8 or 9. Everyone gathered to take pictures: the young people of the family cousins, young uncles and aunts. And you know everyone was gathered to take the picture and everyone was standing and posing and then one uncle is like “Wait you guys forgot about Sisy!” (my pet name, short for sister. My bro gave it to me) It was the worst feeling in the world. I was literally forgotten and I was sitting right there. And then I got in the picture but it was like a pity picture.

And you know? They did that same exact thing the other day.

All the female cousins were gathered to take a picture. At first, I didn’t realize they were taking a picture then an aunt tapped me on the shoulder and enthusiastically said: “Sisy, go get in the picture!” But this aunt was the only one who noticed, none of the people posing for the picture could’ve cared less. And my aunt (the same one who told me to get in the picture) I think she felt a little bad for me because no one asked me to get in. But like I said before, no one posing cared less. So my aunt had to make the excuse that “Oh you’re not the cousin, right?” (in a nice, sympathetic way, I love this aunt) Because technically my mom was the cousin (she wasn’t in the picture either).

They did it to me in the past, they did it now. 

As soon as we left, I got in the car and cried silent tears because this is my life. I didn’t fit in when I was a kid, I didn’t fit in now.

I don’t understand. Sometimes I don’t understand why I’m still here. How I’m still here. I can never picture myself not having anxiety, in general, but also with this family. How am I going to act when I get married or something? Will my husband’s family even like me? How can I even be okay with the term “extended family” when I’m as anxious as I am?

I know I’m reaching wayyy into the future. I’m only seventeen. But this is what I think about. I can’t see myself changing.

I can’t see things changing for me.

Do you ever wonder if your family really loves you or if it’s just forced? I know my mom, dad, and (let’s be honest, sometimes) my brother loves me. But what about those who don’t know anything about me and vice versa? The ones who have drifted apart with time and hardships?

Does their love come from the heart? Or does it come from the blood?

Do they even like seeing me?

What is wrong with me? Why doesn’t anxiety stop with family?

The only difference from the past and the present is the knowledge of my anxiety. When I used to feel uncomfortable like this, I never knew what it was. But the worst part is, my family doesn’t know what it is.

They think I’m just like this because I’m a teenager with angst and unsociable means. When literally the idea of social interaction makes me feel physically, emotionally, and mentally uncomfortable.

Trust me, knowing that I have anxiety has made my life make more sense. But it has not made anything easier.

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maybe.

maybe i’m shallow.

maybe i’m overdramatic.

maybe i’m selfish.

maybe i’m waiting for someone to take time away from their life to notice that i’m not okay.

maybe i’m waiting for that little piece of hope.

maybe i don’t want a mask of a smile anymore.

maybe i’m ready to admit that i’m not okay.

maybe i’m trying so hard to hold on.

maybe it’s hard every day.

maybe seeing other’s happiness is hard for me.

maybe i’m trying so hard to not listen to the voices in my head.

maybe i’m so confused about where my life is headed.

maybe i’m putting too much hope on future promises.

maybe i’m putting too much trust in people.

maybe i’ve been broken too much.

maybe it’s a sign that i should give up.

maybe this is just a phase.

maybe no one wants to ask.

maybe no one knows how to.

maybe people are focused on their own lives.

maybe i’m being self-conceited.

maybe i care too much about people.

maybe i care too much about what people think.

maybe trying isn’t working anymore.

maybe there’s too much on my plate for me to handle.

maybe i need help.

maybe i’m scared.

maybe i want to fix myself but i don’t know where to start.

maybe i’m waiting for someone, anyone, just to ask me

“Are you okay?”

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to: my anxiety

You have taken so much away from me.

You have made people look at me differently.

You have made this whole life thing harder for me.

You make me cry at night.

You make me wonder why I’m like this, why it has to be this way.

You make me quesrion whether I can survive with you on my shoulder.

You make me want to give up and give in.

You destroy relationships with people I don’t want to let go of.

You ruin my day by consuming my thoughts with sadness and worries.

You make me question my humanity because honestly this feeling shouldn’t be normal for a human.

You make me feel useless, worthless, ugly, insufficient, uninportant, etc.

You give me headaches and tears and anger and strife. 

You aren’t seen by anyone but I can definitely feel you, you’re always there haunting me.

You don’t even exist to some people which then makes me look weird to said people. 

You just make me so mad, so sad… and I want to scream and shout and throw things at you. I want to make you go away. I want to kick you out. Because then I MIGHT be able to live.
But how can I kick you out when you live inside of me? 

How can I get rid of you, Anxiety? 

You’re my constant nightmare.

Except…

You’re there 24/7 

And no matter how many times I kick you out, you always find a way back in. 

With even more scars and tears. 

to be wrong.

We all know what it’s like to be wrong, right?

Whether it’s when you raise your hand to answer a question in school or it’s a mini-argument about opinions or facts with your friends.

It’s okay to be wrong. But it’s embarrassing. Our pride gets bruised and how the other person responds to the incorrectness is crucial to how we’re going to feel about being wrong.

Either way, being wrong sucks. But it’s okay to be wrong— because that’s how we learn.

But what if you were wrong about how a person felt towards you?

Do you know what that’s like?

If you don’t, you’re lucky. If you do, wow. It truly, honestly feels like crap.

It’s extremely hard to be shown the truth. Because your mind has already put this perception of “how they felt” in your mind and it’s hard to let it go. It’s like believing in something for a long time and then figuring out the mind-blowing truth. The only examples I can think of are Santa Clause and the tooth fairy but it’s deeper than child beliefs. It’s a person… and your heart.

If there are signs and memories involved. Woh, that makes the situation ten times tougher. There were, what seemed to look like, “hints” that your mind and heart considered. How you think they felt is of course backed by evidence and this is the evidence. How they acted towards you. How they talked to you, their word choice. It’s all considered. But now that the truth is out and they actually don’t feel the way your mind perceives— what’s to become of those signs now? What were they? Who was this person, really?

And to not only be wrong about how they feel but also about who they are? It’s horrible.

Especially if you let the person in and opened up to them in a way you’ve never opened up to anyone else. But that never mattered to them.

Actually, nothing involving you mattered to them. No matter how much your heart wanted to push that thought away, maybe it’s the truth. If it’s not, where are they to prove you wrong?

Maybe all those weeks of pushing for the relationship to keep standing, it was just always meant to fall apart. You can’t force something that’s not there… that doesn’t want to be there in the first place: feelings or friendship.

It takes two people to build and maintain a relationship and if you have to question the other person’s intentions and whether they care about you, not because you’re scared but because they never proved to have cared… there’s a problem. And if you have to guess their feelings based on signs— you know that there is a miscommunication somewhere.

It’s dark and depressing to be wrong about someone and the way they feel. So don’t force a relationship if your thoughts and perceptions of the person are what you have to believe in instead of the person itself. If the person doesn’t show you who they really are then what’s making you stick around?

Don’t stay just to be burned. Trust me, this is coming from a girl who’s just been incinerated.


I knowww my blogging game truly sucks. But I’m going to try really hard. It’s like I stopped using blogging as my therapy and I miss it. I vaguely remember whenever I had feelings or emotions to vent, I always pulled up this page and it made me feel better. But so many factors have ruined that feeling for me. But I’m going to try harder.

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feelings 1:12 a.m.

I don’t like this feeling.

I don’t want to feel it.

And the worst part about the feeling? I know that I’m going to keep feeling it.

I don’t like talking to some of my friends about it. Becuase it feels like I’m being “overdramatic.”

Am I?

Am I just taking things out of proportion?

Would you feel the same way if… I don’t know how to give this story without context. But I don’t want to give context because I’m just so exhausted, not only over this issue but the fact that it’s the same damn person every single time. It’s the same person who makes me feel like shit.

I don’t think it even really matters what happened but more so how I keep letting it happen.

I keep forgiving Phoenix for everything he puts me through. And not because he deserves it or solely because I have feelings for him. But because I feel like my emotions aren’t valid.

I mean if I thought of him as a friend would I still be hurt over everything he’s done to me? I’m not actually sure. I feel like I would still be hurt but not as much.

But the problem is, he keeps hurting me. And I keep letting him.

Whenever I find a reason to be mad at him, it never sticks around. It’s an excessive disturbing cycle. I get mad, I might rant to some of my friends, I think of all the crap he’s put me through, I “think” I’m ready to hurt him as much as he’s hurt me, and then… he talks to me and I submit. All it takes is one mere act of him sending me a message and maybe at first, I’m like “You’re a piece of crap.” But eventually, he warms up to my heart again and the cycle restarts itself.

I’m tired.

I know I can never stay mad at him. But I should. Because he keeps treating me like I don’t have feelings. Just the other week I told him that he hurt my feelings (kind of in a joking way but also in a serious way) and he made it into this game and told me to “toughen up.” He’ll never take anything seriously. He thinks all my feelings and emotions are a game.

Whenever he tells me a lie, he never feels bad. He never thinks twice about hurting me.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

Word of advice? If someone has treated you like shit in the past, they’ll keep treating you like shit.

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control.

To have something in control of your mind is exhausting and ironically…

hard to control.

You cannot control something/someone that controls you.

You submit.

And it’s the only thing you can do.

You submit so hard that you start believing and creating new feelings and emotions shaped to your controller’s beliefs.

Whether you’ve noticed or not you’ve started destroying and erasing pieces of yourself.

You’ve let your controller take over.

Have you ever watched a movie where a person is being mind-controlled and you’ve wondered well why can’t they just snap out of it with resilience?

But have you realized that the exact same thing is happening to you?

You’re being mind-controlled.

You’re being taken over.

You’re not being yourself.

Would you call that healthy?

Would you want that to keep going on?

Sometimes the thing or person controlling you isn’t always some guy in a cloak with out-of-this-world powers or a hypnotizing object. Sometimes what or who’s controlling you is unaware or not meant to control you, but you’ve let them control you.

It’s hard not to submit.

Submitting, nowadays, is easier than fighting.

But you should fight.

Because your mind deserves it. It deserves peace, calmness,

and it deserves not to be controlled.

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