Goodbye, Junior

Start: Hello, Junior: Day 1 & Hello, Junior: Day 2

And now it’s the finish, the end. Well, not really the end of life or anything but it’s the end of my junior year.

Already? It literally feels like just yesterday the school year started. Okayyy… maybe not just yesterday but when I think of the first day of school I think, “Woah that was 10 months ago?!!?” But when I think about the journey it took to get me here, it D.E.F.I.N.I.T.E.L.Y. does not feel like the first day of school was yesterday anymore.

Honestly, I think this is my favorite year of high school (hopefully, so far) freshman year comes as second, and sophomore year: third.

This school year definitely didn’t start out good. What first day starts out good? But overall, looking back the school year turned out to be good even though I did have my crappy moments.

I made some real friends this year (hopefully). One of my real friends is the friend I made in my chem class. From the moment we met, we literally vibed so much. We could tell each other anything at this point. It’s been so nice to have her there and not only there in that class but there in any situation: she’s helped me figure out my major for college, she helped me with Phoenix, etc. Even once, we had a fire drill and she went to hang out with her friends but she didn’t leave me alone she let me be included with her group of friends and it was just so nice of her. Another real friend was Phoenix. To be honest, apart from the feelings and everything else it really is nice to know that he’s real and not fake. The fact that he wants to know more about me and wants to willingly hang out with me is something I can’t even begin to describe. I made some real friendships with lower classmen and I feel like a big sister to them because I’ve been through what they might be going through school-wise although, they never fail to make me feel old.

I started my hello junior year posts with a breakdown of all the periods and how they all were the first day and I think it should be tradition to say how they all ended. (This focuses around second semester)

  • Period 1: Piano
    • Honestly, this class was boring sometimes. There were days where I would just sit in my seat and try to find something to play but nothing. My teacher never really had a lesson plan so everything was freelance. But, I did learn some piano and I’m going to buy piano books to teach myself. I’m still learning “A Thousand Years” and I’m nearing the end of the song. But, this last day it was so cool because the whole class got on a bunch of pianos and we had this jam session and it just sounded really cool. So cool that I wanted to record it but I couldn’t considering my hands were occupied.
  • Period 2: Modern World
    • One of my friends from freshman year was in this class and the first day she asked me to come sit near her, but the only seat near her was next to her friend. And it was awkward because her friend was in 2 of my previous classes in the previous years and we never really became friends. So it was me, her friend, then her. But as days and weeks passed I got to know her friend and her more and it was really nice. I actually ended up hanging out with her, some of her friends and my best friend this past week. It was really nice sitting next to those two. They never made one class boring. Even though sometimes I felt like the odd-one-out, overall they both made me really happy. Also after this period my friend and I would walk to our 4th period together and it was always so nice, she would dread about Spanish and I would sometimes dread about AP Language. It was really nice.
  • Period 3: Photography
    • At first, this class seemed lonely. Because none of my friends from my old photography class ended up in the same class as me. So it sucked at first. Then we had this photo assignment where we had to take pictures of each other and this girl didn’t have anyone so me and this girl I awkwardly asked beforehand if we could be partners let her take pictures with us. And a friendship started. Then she had another friend and I had friends. I wasn’t lonely. All of them were freshmen and sometimes it was overwhelming because one of my friends always talked about this shitty boy who never deserved my friend but no matter what she always went back to him. Stuff like that pissed me off and sometimes they were rude here and there and on the days where I wasn’t mentally okay I took it to heart. But I know that it doesn’t come from a place of hate. They really truly care about me. When I had strep throat they cared about where I was and that I felt okay.
    • But the content of the class- I didn’t really like it. The first semester, we were taking these aesthetic pictures with film and everything. My first semester teacher told me we would be more on the computers but I didn’t realize we would be learning more about photoshop than photography. I mean I didn’t mind the photoshop but my second semester teacher focused more on what we did on photoshop than our pictures itself. I just don’t really feel like I learned that much this semester compared to first semester. Plus my second semester teacher was never enthusiastic about things.
  • Period 4: AP Language & Composition
    • One of my friends from the previous semester was in this class so it was okay. We talked more this semester than last semester- so that was really nice. My teacher gave us this really inspiring speech about anything that we do should be seen as an accomplishment. Even little things like writing essays or research papers, they should be seen as accomplishments because some people can’t even do that and we should never take our abilities for granted. His class was really hard, I never got an A, always straight B’s and the papers were always hard. But he was a really good teacher and his acting when reading is really awesome.
  • Period 5: Chemistry
    • My everyday class. This class was only amazing because I had the real friend (that I talked about earlier) in this class. We both had the same class both semesters so that was honestly so perfect. We never really paid attention and when the test date came we were screwed but each time we made it through. We always made each other laugh because we have the same sense of humor and I can literally tell her anything. Even though chemistry haunted my life, I’m honestly so happy because I got to know such an amazing person (ohh noo I’m getting sappy)
  • Period 6: Lunch
    • Lunch was always good. I mean it’s lunch there was nothing exciting about it. But I’m so happy because my best friend and I had the same lunch for both semesters so that was amazing and a weight off the anxiety shoulders.
  • Period 7: Spanish
    • UDsafkalsdjfd Spanish. I mean trust me I’m all for speaking another language and learning about the culture. But this class drained me. The class was full of freshmen who never knew the right and wrong time to talk. And the grammar and remembering everything killed me. But I made it through. I actually made friends with this girl that the teacher assigned next to me and she was really funny but through half of the semester, she switched everyone’s seats so that sucked. But, oh my gosh, I actually made it through!
  • Period 8: Algebr(uh)a Two (Sorry I had to make that joke once in my life lol)
    • This class was so fun. I mean at first the teacher kinda scared me but she turned out to be so funny. And I sat with 2 people I knew from wayyyy back all the way to elementary school. It was always so fun doing worksheets with them. Even though it’s weird saying work was fun. Doing the work wasn’t fun but doing the work with them and working it out together was fun. We were always cracking jokes and laughing at anything. Lol I think our teacher got mad sometimes but even she joined in sometimes.

So there we go. That’s all that’s happened. From beginning to end. It’s so weird because in my sophomore year… I hated my sophomore year because I felt so alone and lost. That was the year I found out I had anxiety and so many things clicked this year like fake friends and all that. It was just such a bad year for me. But when I compare junior year to sophomore year, thank God that He carried me through. I prayed so much and He didn’t let me down. I don’t feel as lost anymore, or as lost as I was last year. It was horrible last year. But He put constants in my life: people, love, even happiness here and there. The only way I made it through was because God helped me and I had some amazing friends that pulled me through. I wanted to just give up and give in sometimes, but I never did.

I accomplished all I needed to do this year and I can overthink as much as I want but the way things happened, I can’t change them. I can’t do anything but be happy and marvel at the fact that I was able to make it through.

It’s honestly so weird to think that next school year, actually kind of right now, I’m officially a senior… I don’t think it’ll really click until August when school starts again. But I mean WHATSTSSDT???? I remember entering middle school (6th grade) and telling my friends “Woah we’re the big kids now.” And then 8th grade and feeling like the actual big kids considering we were the ones going to graduate. Then 9th grade rolled around and I was honestly so freakishly scared and frightened and everything to be going to high school. And now HERE I AM, about to be a senior. W.h.a.t. Literally, where is the time going?

Sometimes it feels like time goes by so slow, then other times it feels like it’s going so fast that I’m literally chasing it down for it to stop (which is weird because I hardly run). But let me not blow my mind too much thinking about the concept of time because that could last forever (lol get it?… I’m sorry haha).

I get really nostalgic thinking about time and how everything is going by so fast. Sometimes on my dark days, I want nothing more than to grow up, but once I’m there it’s not really what I want anymore. I think of all the goodbye’s and see you soon’s and talk to you soon’s and they’re just tugging at my heartstrings. I thought I would be more relieved but I’m experiencing that feeling of change again. Thinking about the friends who might not have the time to talk to me and how life is only going to be different and harder from here on out. I mean I actually have to think about college and everything. I’m getting anxiety. I  just need to breathe and take everything day by day.

Here’s to the end of another year. You made it, Rebecca!

I really hope that if you read my first day and last day it was able to maybe teach you that no matter how anxious the beginning of something can be, the journey of it until the end might seem far away and hard to reach… but you can make it through.

You’re capable of more than you believe. So much more.

«Music Friday»

So all this week I listened to Halsey’s “Hopeless Fountain Kingdom” and it is honestly: so b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l. Halsey is such a musical inspiration. Her album is a concept album which means that all the songs on the album hold a greater meaning together than individually. And Halsey said that this album is top to bottom about her being able to love herself after an abusive relationship. It’s so amazing. Plus, it’s like a scavenger hunt. If you check out her twitter you can see her fans figuring out new pieces behind her lyrics and it’s so beautiful that the story can keep being interpreted. (But be warned because there are explicit songs, I don’t know who might be reading this, just making sure I don’t offend young ears).

I hope you all had an amazing week. We made it through another one everyone!

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The Feeling of Change

I hate this feeling. It’s one of the worst things in the world if you’ve ever felt this feeling.

I felt it when I had to transition from middle school into high school.

I felt it when my great aunt died.

I felt it when a member of my favorite band left.

I felt it when “friends” stopped talking to me.

Have you ever felt that feeling?

It just feels like your heart keeps dropping and you might be okay for a second then all the memories come back and your heart starts dropping again. You feel this pain that you can’t erase or ignore or relieve. You have to just feel… and it’s the worst because all you feel is sadness. That feeling that things will never return to the way that they were.

That feeling is the feeling of change.

And I feel it right now.

I’ve talked about my feelings about the changes of my school’s second semester on my blog recently and today was the day that 2nd semester actually started.

The feelings aren’t really real until you’re “in the moment.” It never truly hits you until it’s real.

All my classes are the same, same rooms, same seats, some of the same teachers… but none of the same people.

And it sucks. It doesn’t just suck. It hurts.

I built relationships with people in my classes. I used to see them every day or every other day and now I won’t see them at all anymore.

Spanish class sucked today. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. It’s the one class that truly 100% got to me. Because I was in the same classroom with the same exact teacher during the same period and it felt just like 1st semester… except when she said, “You can work with a partner,” my friends weren’t there. I had no one. 

That’s when it hit me.

It was like I was in a distorted mirror. Everything looked the same but it was, in fact, not the same. Even doing my Spanish homework made me feel broken and I have no idea why.

I even miss the friends I knew were only temporary friends. It doesn’t matter how long our friendships were destined to last, it’s not like I won’t miss them. I felt okay to be myself. I didn’t have to pretend that I was someone else being their friend. Their presence alone made me feel less stressed about projects, quizzes, tests, etc. They helped me in a way, and the fact that we could laugh over our stress made things happier.

I miss Phoenix. Of course, I miss him. I used to see him every day and now? I know I already made a post about this feeling but it hurts 100x more. We’re currently texting but he’s the worst replier (time wise) on the planet. It’s hard for my anxiety not to have my doubts when my messages are 8 hours old. I’ll never see him. He used to make my bad days turn good, and maybe that’s why being in Spanish class hurts so much. That was the class where we got to know each other more, where we would talk, laugh, and work together. Maybe that’s why being in the same room looking over to where we used to sit hurts so so so much.

I can’t look over to him and expect a smile. I can’t look forward to him bringing a smile to my face or giving me a fist bump. I can’t laugh at his silly faces or be annoyed at him mimicking me or feel a little bit better that he notices what I’m really feeling. I can’t expect anything because I don’t see him anymore.

He was a huge piece of my happiness. With him, I didn’t have to put a fake mask on and he actually cared about my feelings.

I can’t just get over that and suffice with only texting him.

I’ve never had this feeling transitioning into a new semester. Because my semesters in school were never “that” good to miss. My school has even days and odd days and they alternate, so we don’t have the same classes every day. In the past, even days and odd days were either categorized as bad days or good days to me. Example? My even days were good days because my friends were in the classes that I had for that specific day, but my odd days were bad days because I always had work. Well, this is the only semester where my odd and even days were both good. I mean, I won’t sugarcoat it; my odd days were bad sometimes, but my friends were always there with me which made things a bit easier.

That’s the thing I’ll miss the most, in case it wasn’t evident: The people. 

The people I won’t see anymore.

This feeling of change is breaking my heart. The worst part is I can’t do anything about this pain… but feel it. I can’t fix it I can’t change it I can’t do anything but live it.

And I know, the first few weeks of the first semester weren’t exactly sunshine. It took a lot of time to build the friendships that I had. Lots and lots and lots of time. The first few weeks of a school year always suck. But it sucks because I have standards now. First semester was good so I’ll always be comparing it with second semester and I’m pretty sure it’ll never match up.

Of course, as a Christian I have to believe that God has bigger plan for me. That this pain will shape me into the person I will become. I have to be strong I have to keep my faith.

It might take some time to adjust to the change. Just a little more pain… if it means it’ll shape me into the person I’ll be in the future, it’s worth it.

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I Don’t Want this Semester to End

I never thought I would ever say that sentence. Becuase I’ve never had a “good” semester. I remember last year, during my sophomore year, where I could not wait any longer to start a new semester. It was that bad last year. I actually counted the weeks and days til the end of it, because it was crap.

I barely had any friends in my classes. I was on the edge of an iceberg with my teachers. I was in a class that I absolutely hated. And my lunch friends didn’t want to sit with me anymore. I wanted nothing more to begin my sophomore year with a fresh start, which would be the second semester.

But this time, this year I don’t want a fresh start. I want this semester to stay the same all year long. I want the same teachers, the same people in my class, the same people sitting at my lunch table. I don’t want things to change.

This has actually been a good semester and I don’t want experience the anxiety of asking my friends “Do we still have the same class together?” and know the possible hopeless truth.

I have friends in all my classes (except one and the one I don’t have it is my piano class which is a good thing because then I can focus on my music). Do you know how rare that is for me?

In photography, I made 3 real friends. We crack jokes and are always finding a way to turn something stressful into something fun. This is the class I was always looking forward to, not just because of being able to take pictures but because I got to see my friends.

In modern world, I just sit next to my best friend and we just talk during class while our teacher gets distracted and do the worksheets together. We laugh so much, I’m afraid that we disturb the girl next to us but I’m too happy to notice.

In algebra 2, my friend and I occasionally talk about Fifth Harmony and my teacher is so so so so chill. It’s so great. She makes difficult math concepts so easy to learn. Which is great because this semester we learned logarithms and I swear I only understood it because she taught it. She’s the best math teacher in the whole math department in our school. She never gives homework but she’s still a great teacher. She always talks about life here and there, like the other day she gave us this motivational speech about Trump’s presidency and that we shouldn’t let Trump being president bring us down or make us unmotivated- we have to keep going and be educated because we are the change and we are the future.

In chem, I made this friend who I can talk to about anything and she laughs as much as me. She’s definitely not of those fake friends. And whenever we have a lab we get together with these other classmates who are hilarious and love to comment on the fact that my friend and I like to laugh at anything.

In AP Language & Composition, this is my worst class but I still find a way to think of it positively. 2 of my friends are in this class and we always tend to turn something serious into a joke. I wouldn’t even know what was going on half of the time if it wasn’t for my friend telling me everything.

In Spanish, I sit behind one of my friends and even though we’re not supposed to be talking we always have such lengthy conversations about anything. Mostly about how we have no idea what the teacher is saying because we both suck at Spanish.

So mostly I don’t want it to be a new semester because there’ll be new people that I most likely will not know (It’s a big school). In some of these instances, I made new friends while other times it’s old friends that I’ve known for a year or so. But what if I have too much anxiety to make new friendships? My anxiety has only gotten worse. And do I really want to put in the effort of making friendships that might as well just end up in the trash? Especially with all the new friendships I’ve made and mentioned above: if I don’t see them everyday will friends that I thought were real friends actually become fake? Or will they make no effort to stay in touch or respond to my messages?

I know that change is something that you need in life. Trust me I know. I’ve had to figure it out ever since I transitioned from a private middle school to a public high school. I know. But knowing that I need it doesn’t mean that I’ll like it any better.

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I CUT MY HAIR!… Two Weeks Ago…

Guys, I never told you about this, but I cut my hair! And yes, it was two weeks ago. I was so busy volunteering that I was too tired to write a post about it, and then ultimately forgot it altogether.

Do you want to see pictures?

(By the way, ignore the snapchat captions lol)

Before:

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After:

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So much hair got cut, my hair hasn’t been that short for 3. Y.E.A.R.S. You know looking at the before picture kind of makes me question why I cut it in the first place.

But I remind myself why.

But people, they don’t know why and they question why. Urgh, people have been asking me “Why did you cut your hair!!” Like I betrayed them somehow. I mean at first it was funny, and I appreciated the fact that people actually noticed. But now it’s really annoying.

I wasn’t going to grow my hair forever. Can you imagine how much my split ends will develop if I did that?

Yes, that’s one reason I cut my hair, split ends. Because they  really freaked me out.

But I cut it because I wanted a fresh start.

Some days, it felt like my hair was weighing me down. Not only because you know it was more than half the size of me, but because it held too much of the past.

I heard this celebrity one time talk about how when she cut her hair it was like a new chapter of her life. I mean I didn’t understand it at the time because I was really young when I heard  this story, but now I kind of understand it.

It’s like I get to be this new person, but I’m still me.

I don’t know, cutting my hair kind of took a weight off my shoulders.

I like being able to comb through the ends of my hair without getting arm pains. And let me tell you, I use less shampoo and conditioner, that is a true blessing.

I just wanted short hair. I wanted a change, I needed it. I needed it before I held on too long.

That’s why I wanted to cut my hair.

I didn’t cut it because anyone else told me to. I didn’t cut it to impress anybody.

I cut it because I wanted to, it’s for me. It made, makes, me happy. I love it 🙂

Don’t change your appearance for anyone but yourself. Because if you change for someone else, you’re not being you. You’re being someone who wants to impress someone else, and that’s not you. In the end, who do you look at the most? A person who barely notices you, or the person staring back at you in the mirror?

«Music Friday»

  • See You Around by Shane Harper

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My Motivation to Motivate

I don’t want to just wait for change to happen in the world.

I want to be the change.

I want to be able to make a difference.

I don’t just want to  live one day and die the next.

I actually want to make an impact on someone’s life.

God didn’t make me to just sit around.

He knew that I was going to want to have the motivation to get out there and do something.

Don’t you want to do something?

I mean even a little something.

To make this world a better place.

Or to open more eyes to the little things.

I want to start a fire that’ll never burn out.

I want to make known the things that are passionate to me.

I want to find cures for things.

I want to fund money so doctors can find cures.

I want to do something.

I don’t just want to sit here forever.

Birth.School. Work. Retirement. Death.

I don’t want that.

I want something more.

I want to help.

I want to make known.

I want to be someone.

I do not want to be a mere soul.

I don’t want to watch people crying, having no hope, when I know I could do something to help them.

I could give them old clothes.

I could donate my hair when I cut it.

I could use all the dimes in my backpack to start something.

I want to help.

I don’t want people to go in that hellhole of brokenness and hopelessness that I’ve been to one too many times.

«Music Friday»

What??!!? Two songs for Music Friday. Yep, two. I didn’t do Music Friday last week and these two songs were on replay this whole week. Hope you like it, have a great day everyone!

∞Stay Strong∞

♥Rebecca.

People Give Us “The Feels”

Change was one of my “words” last year.

Words as in it was something I thought of everyday. Like I think of happiness and strength every day.

I always thought change was truly bad.

One of those bad changes were people changing. I used to think that people changed, now I don’t think that’s 100% true. I mean people change, but they don’t change change.

I don’t really believe people change into another person. I think they’re just showing you the real version of themselves. They’re not changing, they’re maturing. They’re becoming the person they were unsure of becoming in the past.

Change in a person isn’t always sunshine-y. When is it ever?

It’s different. That’s not the person that you know anymore. It feels like someone different.

When I was in 8th grade I had this friend and we were friends almost all our lives. We almost had a big fallout because of change. She started having an attitude and started becoming closed in. She started hanging out with other people. She wasn’t changing. My friends thought she was changing. I thought that she was becoming the person she always was, but never showed.

It wasn’t a pretty change to be honest.

I wished that she would turn back into the person I knew. But that never happens.

A person is never the same person that you first got to know. They change from that first interaction, that first conversation you had.

I think that change determines the status of your friendship/relationship forever.

Whether they’re going to stay in your life forever or they’re just temporary.

I think change is somewhat helpful. If it’s meant to be with that person or not. I really believe that the people in your life are there for a purpose. If they leave then they weren’t “major characters,” they were just guest stars. Guest stars don’t stay forever and they don’t really determine the progress and development of the story.

But guest stars do have an impact, they were there for a reason. Even if it was for a mini story line. I think these people help us “feel” things. Everyone makes us feel things we haven’t felt before. Sadness, anger, jealousy, happiness, joy, disappointment, loneliness, content, and love.

This is why people were put in our lives for a reason. They helped us. They helped us feel things. They helped us know more about the world. Some are still helping us. Some will always be there.

People let us feel change. That’s the only reason why we know what change is and what it “feels like.”

In a sense, people change but they don’t really. They just change into the person they never could be. Either fortunately or unfortunately, you cannot change the person they are changing into.

But whoever they change into will help you, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the moment.

I’m Not Going Back to the Start

I know it’s been only like a day since I uploaded Don’t You Understand?

And this might sound weird and you’ll probably be thinking “Can’t she make up her mind?”

So I’ve just been thinking that it’s time to not let him affect me anymore. I’ve come all this way from Yes, Really to Strong. and I can’t just give up. I can’t let him do this to me.

This might sound all weird since a few hours ago I was so heartbroken because I couldn’t get over him. But I’ve been thinking. I’m not going back to the beginning. The thing before was like a speed bump and I was feeling really urgh. And there was no one I could talk to so I typed everything out. And I felt better. But I’m not going to go back to the start. I’m not going back to the days where I would glance at his Twitter page. I’m not.

I came all this way for a reason. And I’m not one to just give up. I fight til the end. And it isn’t the end nor is it the beginning. It’s a road block. I’ve been letting the tests affect and end me. But this time the tests are going to make me stronger.

What are the tests?

So there are maybe a few weeks I never see the “guy I always talk about.” And I get a bunch of “getting over him” power. I think I’m doing pretty good. Then one week I see him. And he either looks at me or says something and the test is whether it affects me or not.

The first test was the time we first really talked after we entered high school. My friend bumped me into him, because she pushed me and he was mistakenly right there. Well he said some things to me and I thought I had a chance back then.

The other test I can remember was maybe several months later. Around the time he gave me a hug. I was doing really good getting over him. Then he hugged me, I thought I was special to him because it was the first time we had physical contact except the times he would pat my head or something (don’t ask). And I fell ALL over again. Literally all over again. I contemplated telling him I liked him then something happened and I realized I fell again and it all turned to crap.

The next test was probably Yes, Really. Which was when he said something to me over the summer. I didn’t say anything to him. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t thinking about him that whole week. I didn’t completely have to start all over again but I had to contemplate what exactly I was doing to help myself get over him. And I had to find new methods to help me.

And then there was this test. Where he said something to me last week. And it’s been a long time since I’ve seen him. Then something happened yesterday where he was just always there and out of my peripheral vision it was like he was looking at me to see if I would look at him or say something. Then I wrote that post about him. Because I just felt so helpless. Because he was right there and I was so tempted to do something, but I couldn’t because ya know.

And these tests are so hard. Because they give me so many feelings. But I don’t want to completely start from the beginning like in the hug test. I do not want to go back there. I might never find a way to completely get over him. But I’m not going back to the start.

And I might like defy this post someday, because next week he might do something and I might feel heartbroken again. But I know that I’m never gonna give up, even though my strength goes down a little bit sometimes.

I didn’t come all this way for nothing.