honestly… i’m movin’ on

Maybe I should be honest with you guys, right?

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been frequently posting on my blog (please don’t check my “July 2017” archives lol I don’t even know what happened…) and going to my blog as a security blanket.

I mean, there were times where I always went to this blog as a security blanket but, for a while, that feeling went away and instead of venting to my blog I found other ways to let out my emotions.

But I missed blogging. I missed writing.

Anyway, this isn’t about blogging. This is about what happened so hopefully I can move on from it.

There’s a huge, major reason that I came back to my blog. It wasn’t only because I missed blogging/writing. It was because something happened and I needed to vent. My other sources that I usually used to vent weren’t enough… because what happened was something that couldn’t take a few days or even weeks to recover from.

And I haven’t hidden what that “thing that happened” was. I’ve actually been very vocal about it. It has been a major part of my blog in the past few weeks since I’ve been more active.

I think you all know the thing that happened and who it involves… I mean you can all say it with me: It was and is about Phoenix. (Ohkayy 7 letters. That’s very creepy. It’s weird because the 7 letter name thing is something I’ve never noticed. His real name has 7 letters. My name has 7 letters. The past 2 guys I’ve had crushes on have 7 letters in their name… I overthink too much lol anywayyy)

Wait! Before you click out of this post… because I know the majority of my posts have been about him. This isn’t gonna be another vague post.

I’m not going to apologize for talking about him excessively. Because I need to vent my feelings here and there.

I want to apologize for never being honest. 

The thing that happened with him at the start of August… I’ve never talked about it. I’ve never talked about it in context. I haven’t been able to talk to you guys about it. Even though I made posts and poems and all that… I’ve been talking to him through my blog but never to you guys.

I’ve been using the “you” pronoun concerning my posts about him, instead of the “him” pronoun. Yes, it does help me when it feels like I directly talked to him. But it’s like I’m excluding you guys. I know some of you might not care what happened. But as this blog has grown I’ve always shared stories with everyone here and that’s what has made the connection personal. But if I keep talking to him, it’s like I’m losing my relationship with all the lovely people who read my material… in a sense? Does that make sense? I don’t know. I just want to be honest with what happened.

And up until this point, I didn’t want to be honest with you guys about what happened or say directly what happened… because I didn’t want it to actually be real. I thought if I didn’t state what happened or say it with full context and detail then what happened with Phoenix would be a lie. Instead, I told you guys that him and I “aren’t on good terms.” But that’s not even the half of it.

I realized it’s not helping me dancing around what actually happened. What happened is real. And I haven’t been facing it. I haven’t been talking about it. I haven’t been honest with even myself.

So it’s time to say what happened and not sugar coat it or tell you a metaphor.

The reason I needed to vent since the start of August… which some of you might have already figured out is… Phoenix has a new girlfriend. 

I don’t know how many of you know exactly know who Phoenix is, if you want to know there’s a category for him on my blog… but in short, how do I say it in short? Last year, at the beginning of junior year I started getting feelings for him and he was different because he was a good guy, he was genuine and nice “without any strings” as I would’ve said in the past. He was different because he asked me about my anxiety and told me he would be there for me and we actually hung out just the two of us. But I was… I’ve been… I am? Idk. I’m in the friendzone and I had no idea how he felt about me.

But there were things he would do that made me (not only me but my friends also) question his true feelings… like the anxiety. Most people don’t like talking about mental disorders, but he wanted to know what my fears and worries were. He wanted to know about things of my past. He wanted to make sure I was comfortable with him. He brushed my hair out of my face multiple times. He tickled me so that I would put my head on his shoulder. He wanted to spend more time with me… once he even sacrificed a few hours of soccer practice (soccer is his one true passion and love) just to spend a couple more hours with me because he made the point that he doesn’t see me as much as he practices soccer. He used to want to know so much about me and my day. He wanted me to be happy. He said that my laugh was like a melody. Whenever he saw me in school he would stop me and want to talk to me even if it was my lunch period and he would be late to class. He opened up to me… he told me an hour long story about his past and he shared a piece of himself with me. He knew I never left my house much and he wanted to be that side of adventure for me. My parents got mad because on one of my hangouts with him we both lost track of time and I came home at dark and he felt bad and I told him it’s okay because it was worth it to spend time together and he agreed. But he didn’t just agree or say “same” like any other teenager. He said, “I think it was worth it too.” He didn’t have to say my whole phrase over again but he did and that’s just how he was… his word choice, his actions, his personality, how he responded to my actions and words… it was all just a jumbled mess.

It all added to the confusion. It was because of all the things said above (and much more) that made the impossibility of him liking me seem possible. That made the insecurity of someone never being able to like me seem obliterated for a second. But I mean (NOT TO SOUND EGOTISTICAL or be all matter-of-fact) a few people have liked me in the past. But none of those people liked me for who I was because it was just a once-glance crush. They liked me because of my looks not because they got to know me. But if the signs above proved favorable and he actually liked me for who I am… it would be a game-changer. We spent months getting to know each other. No one I have ever liked and vibed with, none of them have ever liked me back. The possibility of someone I like actually liking me back? Honestly, it scared me. But I could have crossed that bridge if I ever came to it… but I never came to it.

I mean, maybe the stuff he did was him just being a good friend. But honestly? He hasn’t been a good friend for the past month or so. I mean I’m not one who wants to say bye to friendships. I would have sacrificed my feelings for the sake of our friendship if it was worth it.

Actually, I already did. When I started liking him or feeling things he was dating someone and I toned down whatever I was feeling because I wanted his friendship. But nowadays? He hasn’t been that great of a friend as he used to be.

He always cancels on me last minute. There was a time we were supposed to hang out this one day and I didn’t hear from him AT ALL. I was just hopelessly wasting hours away hoping his name popped up on my phone. With my anxiety, that day wasn’t easy for me. And when I asked him about it (I had to ask him about it, he didn’t care enough to tell me what happened) he said he canceled it (mentally) and forgot to notify me. Is that the action of someone who cares about you? I didn’t even get an explanation until I asked for it. And lately, he’s been leaving me on read. He never used to do that. There were times where he felt bad about leaving me on read and every conversation I had with him recently it’s like I worry that this is the last time I would hear from him that week. He used to respond to me in paragraphs and never seemed to mind but now it’s just sentences full of insults. He also lies. He tells me he’s going to reply to a message of mine and he never does. The fact that he might take a long time doesn’t bother me, it’s the fact that he tells me he’s going to and he doesn’t.

It’s not the thought that counts, it’s the action. We haven’t had a real conversation for a few weeks. All we do is insult each other and banter. I want to ask him how he is and how his life is, but he doesn’t ask that of me anymore.  He used to say “Good morning” to me.  He doesn’t do that stuff anymore. And it just gives me anxiety. I feel like if I asked that of him I would be bothering him. Plus, why would I ask him when he doesn’t even realize that him leaving me on read actually hurts?

He gives me the worst anxiety. Because I worry and I’m scared. I’m scared that I did something to him but I don’t know if I did something. Whenever he left me on read, I would think “Is this my fault? Did I say something?” And then I start overthinking and seeing it as my fault. I start thinking, “I shouldn’t have said that! If I said this, he would still be talking to me.”

But that’s not healthy. Something has happened in the past few months to “us.” There was the chapstick thing. But all that was resolved. I wanted to still be his friend so I forgave him for that.

But, I think the friendship has been rocky for a while now, way before finding out about his girlfriend. I just didn’t want to accept it because I had so much hope that he liked me back. I mean imagine having all those moments on repeat and replay in your head. It definitely didn’t help. Plus all my friends were like a third party and they were all like, “No, a “just friend” doesn’t do that. He definitely likes you!” That didn’t help but I’m definitely not blaming my friends. They’re all my rock through this.

The whole thing was messy. Even though I don’t want to accept that it was.

I mean he was “best friends” with his ex. My heart broke every time I saw them in the hallway. But I mean? They picked each other up after class like they were still together. And on two occasions he stopped in the middle of a conversation to talk to her. My friend even thought there was something more and they would get back together. Why did I keep falling for him? I should’ve fallen for a guy who… like the high school scenario, he would be like “Hey, can I walk you to class? (bruh we had 4 of the same classes together first semester he could’ve done that)” Lol I know, unrealistic. But still. That should be what I fall for. I shouldn’t have fallen for a guy who I know would never ask me to walk with him to his next class.

He did notice I had anxiety but… he didn’t care that much when I talked about it. If he knew what my anxiety was like he would know that his actions give me the worst anxiety. I always think I’m bothering him. Back in February, he said that if I ever felt that way he wouldn’t be a good friend. But a lot has happened since then.

There were moments where I got headaches because I just wanted the whole feeling train to stop. I just wanted to stop talking to him sometimes. I just wished that I let him lose focus sometimes. Because sometimes he was just a. complete. jerk.

I think getting his snapchat and number might’ve been a bad idea looking back at it. I mean, the first few months it was so nice to talk to him and have an ongoing conversation. It definitely made me smile seeing that he texted me. But for the past few weeks, it’s been torture.

There’s a difference between talking to people in real life and virtually, right? Well, virtual “Him” wasn’t all that great. I remember there was a post I wrote about this subject. I said that I don’t really like texting because people can be and say whatever they want behind a screen… and that was him.

He said anything without feeling the effects of it. He would make unrealistic promises: he said that we should see the stars someday this semester or summer— we never talked about it again… and so many other things my heart believed were true. He would say that he cared about me and he “wouldn’t give up on me.” He just said things. I never could believe it after the chapstick thing. But I could believe what he said in person… that felt like the truth because there was no screen to hide behind and he hates fake people. But looking at it now, now that he has a girlfriend, his words and actions, from the in person him, feel like a lie too.

And something that really pissed me off when texting him. Whenever I told him about real feelings and emotions he turned it into a joke or he said “Awww” like I was a dog doing a cute trick.

Our relationship wasn’t ever perfect. But when I found out he had a girlfriend it was like a wake-up call and a breaking point.

It was a Friday. Another reason I don’t want his snapchat: He always posts his feelings and vague stuff on there and it’s getting tiring. One day he posted this on his story: “I only wish I kissed you in the rain.” One of my friends is friends with both Phoenix and I, and she sent what he said to me. I kind of freaked out because whenever we hung out it was lowkey raining. But it also rained really hard the day he posted that on his story. My friend told me that she asked him who it was about.

Whoever it was about, I knew that things were going to change. (It’s funny because I sent him a message the same day my friend sent him that message. And it’s just like him that he responded to her in the same day while he responded to me two days later)

Then just as I was going to go to sleep, I check my phone. My friend texted me.

Three words. In three words he broke my heart. My friend asked him “I wonder who this is about?” He says, “My girlfriend lol.” 

Like I said before, he’s pretty vocal on snapchat. I always thought if he was to get in a new relationship he would put it on his story. But there was nothing. Even my friend didn’t know about his girlfriend and she knows pretty much everything about kids in our school.

So this is great to hear.. That night I felt horrible. I felt like throwing up my dinner and I felt a deep sadness. I even cried, I don’t usually cry when it involves crushes and stuff but this actually hurt. I actually wondered what I did wrong. That was one of the worst nights of my life.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for my friends I wouldn’t have made it through. That’s not even sugar coating anything. If they weren’t there at midnight I would have thrown up.

Then like I said he didn’t respond to my message until two days later. My friends told me I should keep distance I didn’t even want to see his name on my phone. I left him on read for once. Knowing that he has a girlfriend, I don’t even know what to make of his banter anymore. That’s all I am to him now. I’m just a back and forth, just someone to outmatch. He doesn’t ask me how my day is or how I’m doing anymore. It’s all different.

It hurts.

I don’t know who might’ve read this: Watching the clouds with you

That post is about our second hangout and it was near the end of June. I’m not forcing you to read it but imagine going through all these emotions and feelings that I wrote about in the post… and then two months later you find out all that hope and happiness… it’s obliterated.

Whilst I was falling for him harder, he was falling for someone else. 

I don’t know when he started dating her but does it matter? He still played with my feelings.

I even convinced myself that “she” didn’t exist. But why would he lie? She does exist. And I’m not doing myself any favors believing there is no girlfriend.

That’s why I’m typing up this post 3 weeks later. I need to accept it. In order to move on.

Because I want to move on. 

I don’t want to keep falling for him. There were reasons to let him go before I heard of a girlfriend but it took him having a girlfriend to open up my eyes. Him having a girlfriend made me not forgive the bs anymore and that’s good because I was forgiving too much bs for the sake of my feelings. 

I shouldn’t need to worry and wonder whether he cares about me… I should know.

I never wanted to type up this story on my blog honestly. I didn’t even want to tell you guys about him having a girlfriend. Because, again, I thought doing so would make him having a girlfriend be false. But I say everything on this blog and if I don’t say this story out loud on my blog… I still have hope for him and I’m still letting him control a piece of me. 

When really I shouldn’t have hope for him.

He made me overthink. He made me wonder if a thousand things were my fault. He made me go back and forth so many times.

And I have been through too much to have to go through this.

I hope that this doesn’t sound shallow of me to say but… I don’t deserve this.

I want to move on. I want to. I need to. I can’t keep these tears that are rolling down on my face. I can’t keep wondering “What if.” Things happened the way they did for a reason. I can’t keep hoping. There are more things I want to hope for.

There’s more I want to think about than the memories of us together. He reminded me what it was like to fall again. He showed me that guys can actually care about you and want to know more about you.

But the person who stays is worth your time. He didn’t stay, he never did.

There was a time where he seemed so perfect. But that was the problem. No one is ever perfect. All relationships have their ups and downs.

But if a person is messing with your mental health and you’re not even sure if they care about you, that’s when it should get personal.

These tears. This anxiety I have over him. This overthinking. I don’t need it. After all that I’ve been through and am going through. I don’t deserve it. He doesn’t get to do this. I shouldn’t let him.

Honestly? I’m movin’ on.

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wounds

wounds.

wounds that had been sewn together.

wounds that forgot the pain.

wounds that had been “healed.”

have been cut again.

the stitches cut through.

deeper cuts.

deeper than the surface of skin.

deeper than paper cuts.

and the color?

red.

deep dark blood oozing red.

a red that would make a person faint.

a red that could mirror someone’s anger.

and isn’t that what you feel?

anger?

anger for opening up your wounds?

anger towards the person…

because they had the weapon hid behind their back this whole time.

stitches in one hand,

the knife in the other.

they put you back together only to give you pain.

to make the blood ooze.

and the knife is no longer in their hand.

but in your heart instead.

and how do you heal that wound?

again?

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all it takes is a day for things to happen. pt. 2

pt. 1

There was never supposed to be a part two, you see.

But things happened and days passed by where I couldn’t fight my mind, couldn’t disregard my heart, couldn’t live without knowing how he felt…

But the second time around, we still ended up here again. It all came around full circle.

I still don’t know how he feels. He still causes me pain.

And I still want to fix this.

all it takes is a day for things to happen.

It starts over again on a Sunday.

Because I needed to know your side of the story.

My over-analyzation and overthinking ruined me on a Sunday.

So I built up the courage to start talking to you again telling you, “I don’t want to bother you but can we talk?”

You reply to me that same day, on a Sunday.

And of course, you’re that person saying “Why would you? Sure we can.”

I told you that I was mad at you on a Sunday.

You had no idea that anything was wrong… or at least that’s what you said.

You told me that if someone stays quiet with you then you lose focus on a Monday.

You definitely know how to make a girl special… what does losing focus even mean?

I stupidly told you my feelings saying I missed you, I thought I was bothering you, and I thought you didn’t care on a Monday.

The idiot I am, I thought you would actually tell me what I wanted to hear.

But all you said to that was “Aw” on a Tuesday.

This is the day you said hi to me and my friend and I pretended I didn’t see you.

We talked for the first time face to face after all the previous “chapstick/not talking to each other shit” on a Thursday.

It was extremely awkward because I can see what I did to you… I forced you to care.

I told my friend that I was just going to “go with the flow” concerning you on a Thursday.

Because I honestly don’t know where this is headed… I still don’t know.

I saw you three times on a Friday.

I fooled myself through my happiness thinking I could only see you as a “Friend.”

You talked about me not being able to say hi back to you because, well you assume it’s because I’m shy on a Saturday.

When really it’s because you’re always with her, your ex-girlfriend, your “best friend.”

You told me you deleted snapchat because of drama on a Monday.

You asked me if there was another way for us to communicate so we exchange numbers… the awkwardness seeming to fade away.

I found out you had feelings for some girl on a Monday.

And I wrote a song about the pain because I knew it wasn’t me; you brought me up then brought me crashing down all in the same day.

You told me you wanted to hang out with me anytime soon on a Tuesday.

You asked me if I was free the next day and I was filled with fear because of this damn rollercoaster: one second I’m up and the next, I’m down.

We hung out on a Wednesday.

You took me to a huge library and we just talked… about our pasts, our fears, our futures.

I put my head on your knee and your shoulder on a Wednesday.

And it felt like the world couldn’t get to us and whatever we were didn’t matter because in that moment it was just us.

My parents got mad at me on a Wednesday.

Because we talked so long we lost track of time and I got home after dark.

You apologized for making me late on a Thursday.

I told you it was okay because the time together was worth it and you agreed.

I saw you on a Tuesday.

And I had to create distance between us while we briefly talked because I felt that I was too caught up in the moment during our hang out being physically close to you and I get carried away sometimes.

You didn’t reply to my messages until two days later on a Thursday.

You told me your phone is messed up and you didn’t get my messages until two days later— this situation definitely isn’t good for a girl with anxiety.

I asked you how your week was on a Friday.

You told me it was awesome, fun, weird, cool, etc (so many other adjectives) but you also said it was sad because you didn’t see me all week… I didn’t ask for that.

You tell me to do good on the SAT, you say “My Angelc legs” for the first time, and you also say that we should hang out at the library afterward on a Saturday.

But you didn’t send me any follow-up texts after I took the test so I had to ask you what the plan was.

I called you on a Saturday.

And you told me you became busy all of a sudden… and my heart broke while realizing that I’m an idiot.

You told me you would text me later that night on a Saturday.

And that was the first of your many lies that my heart would later disregard.

You tell my friend that you think I’m mad at you on a Monday.

And I agreed because I was.

You asked my friend if we could talk alone for a second on a Monday.

I still don’t know why you wanted to talk alone, you just told me to keep a lookout on my phone because you were free to text me.

You text me four minutes to midnight saying “Since it’s still today…” on a Monday.

It is four minutes until that day ended you piece of crap, and yeah I actually called you that.

I tell you we’re not on the same page and that I’m pages ahead of you on a Tuesday.

You told me you’re chapters ahead and you don’t like when I say “the end.”

You took everything as a joke on a Wednesday.

You told me that you couldn’t wait to shut my attitude down. I told you it’s not attitude, it’s hurt feelings and you told me to “Toughen up Angelic Legs.”

I saw you after we had a back and forth over texts on a Thursday.

And you wanted to annoy me with an insult and I told you I was too tired to deal with you and you smirked and said “Uh-huh.”

You stopped me on the stairwell on a Friday.

And even though I would make you late for class you wanted to keep talking to me… the way you looked at me and stopped me from leaving and your smile urgh.

I made a list of why you only think of me as a friend on a Sunday.

And life was like “Yeah right.”

You told me that you want to hang out again and to tell you my free days on a Monday.

I was mad at you but once I read that text I suddenly wasn’t anymore.

I told you that I’m free any day except Tuesday and Wednesday on a Monday.

And you asked me if we should do Thursday… (these days are the confusing, frustrating ones, so hold on).

I told you I was actually free today but it’s too late now because you might be busy on a Tuesday.

You were busy and the fact that I reply to your texts seemingly seconds afterward whilst you reply hours/a day later makes me wanna hide in a corner.

You told me we might be able to hang out next week Monday on a Wednesday.

And I thought, “Wait, are we still hanging out on Thursday?” (Is it frustrating yet?)

I saw you running late to your class on a Wednesday.

And you told me we might be able to hang out tomorrow and you would text me soon… I actually believed you would give me details soon for a second.

At the last period, in the second to last hour of school, while I’m filled with anxiety wondering if we’re meeting today, you tell me that you’re busy and we should hang out next week Monday on a Thursday.

And you made my last week of school a h.e.a.d.a.c.h.e. If you weren’t even free any day that week, why did you ask?

You reinstall Snapchat on a Friday.

And I get anxiety all over again because your eyes are there again and I would feel the need to post on my story just for you to see it… that feeling I hate.

You start a new conversation with me on snapchat on a Sunday.

You commented on a picture of my best friend and I. Also, me freaking out over growing up… we were getting back to a conversation after a week of frustrating texts of “This day? No, this day.”

“Next week Monday” comes, the day we’re supposed to hang out and I wait anxiously and aggravatingly on a Monday.

But I hear nothing from you… I ruined myself waiting for something, anything and this is a reason why Mondays are now my least favorite days.

I send you a text through messaging, not snapchat, asking you what happened on a Tuesday.

To this day, you still have not responded to that text… wow, that feeling of wanting to hide in a corner is definitely not foreign when it comes to you.

You text me on snapchat on a Wednesday.

And I remember I had one of the worst headaches that night.

I got my driver’s license posting on my snapchat story “I WANT TO SCREAM BUT I MIGHT SCARE THESE PEOPLE” on a Wednesday.

And all you say is “You can scream if you want to.” Disregarding my text, the texts I sent you Sunday, and my feelings… but it’s not the first time with the last one.

My friends tell me to just send you a rude message and go to sleep on a Wednesday.

They kept me sane and from losing my cool with you.

You send me on a message on a Thursday.

I didn’t want to deal with your bullshit… so I waited a day to open it— so you’ll know what it’s like.

I opened your message on a Friday.

You told me, “We need a new day to hang out, right? Tell me your free days.” So, we’re gonna do this again? I’m tired. 

I don’t tell you my free days on a Friday.

Instead, I want to tell you “Are you just going to blow me off like this week?” And my friend persuades me to actually tell you that so you can feel the burn.

You tell me that you wanted to hang out outside and it was raining that day so you canceled the hangout but you forgot to notify me on a Friday.

And I thought “Is this really your excuse?” Because, honestly, what kind of bullshit? How do you forget to tell me, did you think telepathy would work? And why did you only give me an explanation when I confronted you about it?

I openly call you a jerk on a Friday.

And you make it into a joke.

You replied to my sass with “Damn” because I was still mad at you on a Saturday.

I asked you if it hurt, and if it did then good.

You told me that’s why you won’t give up on me on a Sunday.

I don’t understand why you said that… it didn’t fit what we were talking about. Why? Was that a lie too?

I took a picture of my permit besides my license because I was smiling in my license but mad in my permit. I put it on my snapchat story blocking out my address and other personal stuff on a Monday.

But I guess I didn’t block it out that good because you send me a message saying “So you live on _______ Avenue?” And I questioned how you were able to tell what my address was byecause of a blurry picture and a few unblocked letters at the end.

You told me you were going to show up at my window one day sneaking into my house on a Monday.

I teased you saying you don’t know my house number… there we go, we’re back to us.

You told me we should hang out tomorrow on a Monday.

And we did.

We hung out on a Tuesday.

We went to a park this time.

We talked about life and little things on a Tuesday.

We looked at the clouds and my heart could’ve manipulated this into thinking it’s something more… and it did.

You circled your arm around my waist and also put it around my shoulders on a Tuesday.

But we’re only friends, right?

You told me that if you saw me on a date while you were downtown you would be like “Oooo I see you” on a Tuesday.

And your reaction was that of a genuine friend, where did someone dating me even come from? We weren’t talking about that.

We had to go separate ways because we were going on different buses on a Tuesday.

I walked away from you and I hoped that you looked at me, and after a few seconds I looked back and you were crossing the street. That’s the last time I would see you when our relationship would still be “okay.”

You left for Seattle on a Saturday.

I messaged you saying I can finally breathe again and joked around with you; telling you “Have fun and you know you don’t have to come back.”

Instead of a usual insult back you just reply with a simple “Sure thing” on a Sunday.

I tell you that it’s a joke and asked you if you were okay.

You return to your usual self and something feels off but I don’t question it on a Sunday.

You say that it’s nice to see my soft side under the insults and if you’re feeling down you’d tell me and I should do the same… even though I didn’t believe that last part. Remember the chapstick thing?

You return to your “Good Morning’s” and you message me fire emojis concerning my new haircut on a Tuesday.

We’re finally at that level of normalcy, it seems. Seattle “You” is nice, he replies in the same day and everything.

It’s Independence Day in America and you tell me to “Stay Safe” twice that day on a Tuesday.

How can I stay safe when you’re literally killing me?

You told me you wanted to read or listen to my songs on a Friday.

I started freaking out… I was so happy that you wanted to hear one.

You said that your friend opened the snapchat conversation and closed it without saving the paragraph messages on a Friday.

This is the message with my excitement for you to hear one of my songs. This definitely feels like the excuse side of you.

I reply to you like I did the last time and for the first time that week, you don’t reply at all in a day on a Saturday.

Something is wrong but I don’t think twice about it, it’s only been a day— you’ve left me hanging for longer in the past.

It’s your birthday on a Sunday.

You still haven’t responded to my messages but I remembered your birthday and wanted to wish you a happy birthday.

You respond to my happy birthday message in a few hours on a Sunday.

You’re coming back home from Seattle this day and you tell me you’ll respond to my other messages later when you get service in the airport… *sarcasm on* when have you ever lied about that before?

You leave me on read on a Sunday.

I think nothing about it because for the hundredth time I again believe you when you say a lie because why would you deceive me? You know I have anxiety.

You comment on the senior pictures I posted on my story on a Wednesday.

At this point, I’m truly pissed off at you and I don’t hide my sass because literally the message of you lying, saying that you would reply to my messages later is right above “the senior pictures” message. You knew that you would be blatantly lying to me, you never were planning to respond to that message, were you? Home “You” is back to being a jerk.

We have a back and forth conversation of insults on a Thursday.

I’m tired and I figure if we’re just insulting each other it won’t hurt me as much if any second now you would leave me on read.

You annoy me to a point where I tell you about this song: Reflection, that tells you about how I feel about you (not realistically) on a Friday.

You say that it’s adorable (… really adorable?) that I feel this way and I questioned whether you actually understood the song.

You said that you know me well enough to know if I’m lying or not on a Saturday.

That pissed me off because you’re so cocky that you think you know so much about me when you haven’t even scratched the surface. I know if I said that exact same thing to you, you would mock me.

I tell you, “You think you know me that well? That’s cute” on a Saturday.

And you leave me on read amongst other messages I sent you but I know I didn’t hurt you… your ego is too big to be hurt.

I hear a song on Monday.

It gave me hope after you left me on read because you’ve said before that you don’t like when I say “End of the story.”

You send me a message 13 days later responding to my story on a Saturday.

And honestly, your message wasn’t worth any wait.

Somehow we’re having a conversation on a Monday.

But it’s not a real one… it’s just the back and forth again. But talking to you is better than not talking to you and having anxiety.

You come for my shortness on a Monday.

You say being short is an advantage (which I already knew lol) and that I could use it in my favor if my crush likes short girls… which is ironic because you’re just talking about yourself.

I respond to you for the last time unbeknownst to me that things would change on a Friday.

Ironically we were talking about you not being able to handle it if I stopped talking to you and how I had a trap on you over our friendship and you couldn’t get out.

On your story you put, “I only wish I kissed you in the rain” on a Friday.

My dumb ass actually thinks it’s me. Because it either rained/drizzled whenever we hung out.

My friend asks you who it’s about on a Friday.

You respond with, “My girlfriend lol” and everything seems like a game now… it all feels like a lie.

Talking to my friends saves me on a late Friday night/early Saturday morning.

Because if they weren’t there I would’ve thrown up my dinner.

You respond to my Friday texts on a Sunday.

But you send them late in the night so I can wait to respond to them the next day.

I open your messages on a Monday.

And this is a time of firsts. I leave you on read for once. I think of myself for once. I want to protect my heart for once.


It’s been 14 days since we stopped talking. I don’t know if it’s phasing you or not. I don’t even know if you’ve noticed. You lost focus… but now that you have a her I don’t know what to think or hope for anymore.

I actually thought I was special to you. I thought our whole story, this back and forth, everything.. it would all be worth it in the end. But it’s not. You played me. You played with my heart. I don’t care what anyone says, maybe that’s just how you are with friends… If that’s the case I’m not sure if I can be your friend.

Maybe there’s a reason this happened a second time… maybe I wasn’t supposed to start over again. Because here I am at square one all over again. But this time. I know, for sure, it’s not my fault.

There’s nothing more I want to do than talk to you… but why? To tell you the truth? You would probably respond with awww and we’ll be at that awkward stage again. Just so I can be your friend? I can’t. To see if you care about me? I can’t take any more jumps or chances for you to try to know what you’re feeling… I’ll never know. And I already know, you are half-hearted when it comes to me and you barely care. All those times you left me on read, left me hanging on a Monday, hurt my feelings… it never phased you because you didn’t care.

It wouldn’t matter if you knew you hurt me. If it did… if it does, where are you now?

Nobody is probably going to read this whole thing. I wouldn’t even want to if I wasn’t part of it. Because it’s so crazy, the ups and downs, it would make anyone want to rip their hair out… I don’t know how I haven’t done that yet.

It’s tiring. 

One day, you asked me what was wrong, in person, and I told you that I was tired. You asked me how long I slept that night. I told you I’m not physically tired but mentally tired. And amongst the other reasons (school, fake friends, anxiety, etc.) one of the reasons I was tired was because of my feelings for you.

And for these past few weeks it was like I pretended that everything you’ve done wasn’t real, my mind wasn’t able to comprehend everything so I just didn’t accept it… that’s the only way I could accept it, ironically. But typing all of this up and realizing how real it is…

One of my friends told me that she lied to me saying she stopped talking to her crush and it made her feel better. She told me this lie so that I would stop talking to you and she said she was sorry but she had to say it because “he was hurting you way more than my own crush (who’s a real douchebag) was hurting me.

And I realized. You were hurting me a lot. But I kept letting you hurt me. For the sake and hope of my heart. And in the end… it didn’t even work out. It wasn’t worth it. You were falling for a girl whilst I was falling for you deeper.

During those both hangouts. With my head on your shoulder. With your hand around my waist. While you brushed my hair behind my ear. 

You were playing with me.

And I can’t forgive you for that.

I can’t.

I’m writing this about you on a Monday.

And no matter how much I want to talk to you or want to hope for a message from you, I know it won’t be good for me.

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to start over.

“no person wants to start over with a new person. telling secrets, giving their body away. falling all over again. its too much..”

via @changes on twitter

This twitter post literally came the very day I needed it. Coincidence? I really don’t know.

But do you know what it’s like?

Let’s go back. If you’re interested in a little history step inside the rollercoaster ride.

Eighth grade. I like this guy in my class. And this is the first time I’ve liked someone for their personality, and not just solely on looks. He was funny, we had banter, and he said cute things sometimes, I guess. He did things my little middle school heart never experienced before… like he hugged me. Yep. Hugged me. Many other things happened and I had a little hope that he liked me. But he didn’t.

And so when it was time for us to go our separate ways into high school, I found myself missing him. Long story, short (because this story was on my blog before “Over”) I tried to get over him and it took two years. He was completely toxic for my heart. I always thought he was genuine and missed me too, but no.

One of my best friends told me that I would meet someone better, someone who deserved my heart… then “Phoenix” showed up. And I thought maybe this is my second chance.

Remember Phoenix? The guy I thought was perfect for my heart? The guy I thought would never hurt me? I thought he would be someone worth falling for.

So I fell.

It’s been months. Maybe even close to a year?

And honestly, when I fell I didn’t expect to be this close to him. To have his number, to have his snapchat, to have hung out with him. None of that was expected when I started to fall. But it happened. And it made the falling even worse.

But the falling was okay. Because Phoenix seemed sooooo much better than my eighth-grade crush, let’s call him “Over.”

So I started over with Phoenix. I fell. Again. But it was okay because he was genuine and sweet and honest and real. Right?

Phoenix did things that no guy has ever done. He asked me if I had depression, he sensed that himself, and then he figured out that I had anxiety and he asked me about it. And he told me that he would be there to talk if I ever needed it. He suspected something was wrong and something happened in my life just because of a “weird-sounding” text. And we texted each other in paragraphs and he never seemed to mind.

But then, things changed.

And he just turned out to be like the 7.0 version of Over. But it was deeper this time. It was much deeper.

I told Phoenix things I haven’t even told my best friend. I told him my fears, my secrets, I gave him a piece of myself. I got to know him, or at least who he wanted to seem like in front of me. I built a relationship with him. And for what?

For it to just go to waste?

We’re not on good terms right now. This isn’t like some petty fight… this might be the end of the Phoenix chapter. And honestly? I thought it would last way longer. But he turned out to be just as dishonest as Over.

Both of them were just full of talk and their actions came from their ego instead of their heart.

So here I am. After falling deeper for the second time.

I thought I would be in a better place. I thought it would be worth it. I thought it would at least feel better than this.

But falling for the second time is, even more, worse than the first time.

Ater the first time, I was cautious. I didn’t want to let my heart out of its chains again. But when a guy does the sweet things that Phoenix did you get vulnerable and you trust. And you fall before you can stop yourself.

I never really believed my best friend when she said I would find a guy who would treat me so much better. It didn’t really feel like that would actually happen because it’s me and my life. But then he came in and gave me a little hope that genuine guys existed and there might be a chance I could get over “Over.”

He gave me hope after my first fall.

But the second fall, like I said, didn’t turn out great. Not at the beginning, not in the middle, not in the end.

Even though there were great things that happened during this fall… something was there to always make me feel like crap: another girl, he hurt me unintentionally or intentionally, my anxiety, etc.

And you know? I tried so hard to push the crappy parts down because I thought I would never meet another guy like him. A guy who would care so much about me and about my past and my future. A guy who wanted to see the stars with me, wanted to see a play together, wanted to go far away someday to escape it all, didn’t believe in promises like me, and hated fake people just as much as me. He seemed… right? He told me instead of a party he would want to see a sunset and I’m like wow, the perfect person for a girl with anxiety.

It all just seemed so perfect. I guess that’s what was wrong. The perception of it was deceitful.

But the way I got to know him was different than the way I got to know anyone else. We opened up to each other. We took small steps. We shared.

How do you let something like that go?

And how can you possibly think of moving on and thinking you deserve someone better when that was it… when that was the better? Or at least it felt like it.

Did I waste all those months, all that time, falling for him? Is it all just a waste now? Now that I know I meant nothing to him. And it was all nothing.

I don’t even know if I can get up after this second fall. I don’t think I can picture myself giving so much of myself to another person… hoping that they’re the right one for my heart.

I can’t do it again. I can’t.

It was hard enough this time.

Now, a piece of me is with him and he’s just breaking that piece apart.

How can I open up myself to another person? Open up my heart? The thought of falling for a third time and getting heartbroken for a third time? I don’t want to think of that. It really exhausts me thinking like that. I don’t even know if I’ll even be able to…

How do people like this get so consumed with playing the game that they don’t even realize they’re playing with feelings and emotions? Doesn’t that ever cross their minds?

How can I start over?

After going through so much, after listening to my heart, how can I possibly start over?

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all it takes is a day for things to happen.

I met you again on a Monday.

It was a weird day for me.

It was confirmed that we had four classes together that semester on a Tuesday.

Purely coincidental, right?

I realized that I started harboring feelings for you on a Saturday.

Was it only because I wanted to get over someone?

You remembered me on a Friday.

It was weird for us to be talking again for the first time in 2 years.

You smiled at me for the first time on a Friday.

We had Spanish presentations that day.

You said “Hello” to me on a Friday.

And that’s the moment I knew I was in for a long ride.

I saw you with your girlfriend outside the door of our first period class on a Tuesday.

And my heart broke in a way I didn’t ever want to feel again (but still keep feeling).

I told my other best friend that I like you on a Sunday.

I guess that’s when it became real.

I had to sit next to you in class on a Thursday.

Because the seat next to my best friend was taken.

I gave you the binder that you left in class on a Thursday.

But I never told you it was me.

I liked having a conversation with you on a Thursday.

It was awkward for me at first but you were still the same nice person from freshman year.

You moved to the right in the front of the room for me so that I could be able to stand next to you and see (because I’m short) on a Friday.

And I still don’t know what made you do that.

I realized you started bringing me happiness on a Tuesday.

And I vented to my best friend about how you would never break up with your girlfriend and it was hopeless.

You told me not to give up on a project on a Thursday.

So I didn’t.

I realized I couldn’t do anything about my feelings on a Tuesday.

Your smile and the way you looked at me didn’t help.

I found out that you broke up with your girlfriend on a Wednesday.

It was hard to believe, I didn’t think it would actually happen.

My friend told me to get your number on a Saturday.

And I thought how would that ever happen.

You accidentally bumped into me on a Thursday.

And it was hilarious because you felt so bad and thought you had crushed me.

I figured out our friendship was platonic on a Thursday.

And it hurt me.

I realized I didn’t want to lose your friendship on a Friday.

So I held on, even with my feelings, because of who you were.

Our Spanish teacher assigned your seat right in front of me on a Friday.

And I knew life was laughing at me somewhere.

You smiled at me for the hundredth (I didn’t actually count) time on a Thursday.

That’s when I realized that could be the one thing that could kill me.

Your ex-girlfriend got yelled at by her friends for not wearing her jacket on a Thursday.

She didn’t have it because you had it and my heart broke for the ______ time.

I listened to sad music and created a playlist on Spotify on a Thursday.

Because it hurt so damn much.

I had to avoid you and be abrupt with your questions in Photography class on a Friday.

But I had to ask you for help in that class and you cared.

We had a full conversation in class on a Friday.

It helped but I was very confused.

I got your snapchat on a Friday.

But only because my best friend wanted the pictures of the Spanish packet that you discreetly took on your phone.

I messaged you first on a Saturday.

That’s when our first text conversation began.

You made fun of how I almost fell off the hill on a Friday.

And I wanted to make you fall.

You stopped our conversation and left my side to go talk to her on a Friday.

Of course, why would you keep talking to me?

You asked me if I had depression on a Wednesday.

I told you the truth about my anxiety and knew that this wouldn’t be an easy crush.

I opened up about my anxiety to you on a Saturday.

And it was weird for me.

You told me you were interested in who I was on a Sunday.

And if my anxiety was convincing me that I was bothering you- you wouldn’t be doing your job as a good friend.

I found out we had no classes together in second semester on a Monday.

I felt my heart drop and questioned life’s intentions.

I told you that I was upset about it on a Monday.

I can’t believe I was that comfortable with you to tell you that.

You told me you would never forget me and that we would still message each other on a Tuesday.

It made me feel better.

You got yelled at by her to hurry up on a Wednesday.

And one of my classmates/friends asked me if you were back together with her.

You sat next to me in class on a Thursday.

Because that would be our last class that we had together, but the 45 minutes went by too fast.

My best friend told you that I could sing on a Friday.

And you said you were gonna hear me sing one day or another.

The new semester began on a Monday.

It broke my heart not to see you every day in my classes.

I missed you especially in Spanish class on a Monday.

Because you made that class bearable.

I saw you on the staircase with your new haircut on a Tuesday.

And I yelled at you for not responding to my message.

I saw you walking with her on a Tuesday.

And I knew, for a fact, that you would never miss me as much as I miss you.

I asked you how you would feel if our friendship ended on a Thursday.

And you told me you would be sad, real sad.

I thought my anxiety messed up our friendship on a Monday.

Because I was overthinking the fact that you didn’t talk to me for a week because your messaging wasn’t working.

I realized that I was scared on a Monday.

I was scared to lose you.

I told one of my friends who’s also your friend that I liked you on a Monday.

And she told me that you never got back together with her, you were just best friends with her.

I thought you weren’t trying anymore in our friendship on a Friday.

Did you even want to hang out and see me?

I turned around to talk to my friend just so you wouldn’t talk to me on a Friday.

Because I needed to protect my heart.

You told me you had your college life planned out already on a Sunday.

And I was jealous because I didn’t even know where I would want to go to college.

You hugged me on a Monday.

And my heart wouldn’t stop palpitating for 10 minutes.

You told me my sarcasm makes you laugh on a Thursday.

I really was growing comfortable with you.

You told me that we should go to Ethiopia and India on a Monday.

But it was just for the conversation, right?

You told me we should text shorter to each other on a Friday.

So that we would be able to have time to talk more.

You told me you wanted to watch the school play with me on a Thursday.

But we both had conflicting schedules and I told you that there would be other opportunities for us to hang out.

I gave you a nickname on a Saturday.

And you were already finding ideas for mine.

I told you that fake people don’t know the real me and think I’m quiet on a Saturday.

You told me that must mean I’m comfortable with you and we’re comfortable with each other.

You gave me a nickname on Sunday.

And we figured out that we had a lot in common, like finding puns hilarious.

You told me that instead of planning to go to the play we should’ve gone to see a beautiful sunset on a Monday.

I told you I want to escape from the city and see the stars and you agreed that that should be our goal for the semester/summer.

You gave me candy on a Monday.

I have horrible eye-to-hand coordination so you had to throw it into the hoodie of my jacket.

I saw you on the staircase and you stopped me from going to lunch to have a short conversation on a Monday.

You asked me if I wanted to hang out with you over spring break, making you late to class.

You told me that whenever we see each other briefly at school and have our little talks away from texting it makes your day on a Monday.

You really aren’t helping me.

You told me you felt bad because you went to Chipotle and couldn’t buy me anything because you didn’t have enough cash on a Monday.

Did you really think of me or were you just saying that?

I told you I had a crappy day and you told me that you hope my smile is saved for Tuesday.

In a platonic way, right?

You told me you drove illegally to Chipotle on a Wednesday.

You’re such a bad influence and I thought I had to make sure to give you a bit of my good influence.

You told me you were sad that you didn’t see me on the last day of school before spring break on a Friday.

You claimed that you would pick me up and I told you I was not looking forward to being thrown like a football.

I replied to you shortly while I was in my dark hole on a Monday.

I had a little hope that you would ask me what’s wrong but thought it was just another one of my mind’s impossible realities.

You asked me what’s wrong on a Monday.

I dropped my phone; you weren’t actually supposed to make my mind’s fantasies to come true.

You told me you had to make sure that I knew that you cared on a Wednesday.

And that you would be there when I was ready to open up to you. Liar.

I messaged you my childhood pictures because you wanted to see them on a Thursday.

You thought I was so cute and I asked for your childhood pictures too.

I went into my dark hole again and I opened up to you on a Friday.

My mistake for actually thinking that you would be there and you actually cared.

You read my message without a reply on a Saturday.

And I ruined myself waiting for you to reply because I was vulnerable.

You sent me a message the night before school on a Monday.

I didn’t open it because I was a pissed you left me hanging for two days.

I opened your message on a Wednesday.

And it had nothing to do with me opening up to you.

I told people I could trust how you responded to me opening up to you on a Thursday.

And they told me I deserve better and to move on.

I blamed myself for the whole thing on a Friday.

Because if I didn’t open up to you we would still be talking like we normally do.

I asked my friend if I should be upfront with you about the whole thing on a Saturday.

She told me not to bring it up and to just start a new conversation, so I did.

I started a new conversation on a Saturday.

And I wonder if I didn’t start a new conversation, would you have even cared? Did it even phase you that we hadn’t talked for 3 days?

My friend told me that if you hurt me again she would fight you on a Saturday.

I trusted that you wouldn’t because I knew who you were. I was wrong. I don’t know who you are anymore.

We had a conversation on a Sunday.

But it felt weird, you weren’t responding like you used to.

I opened a message of yours on a Monday.

And you put no effort into replying to what I had to say. Your paragraphs turned into uninterested short sentences.

I cried because of you on a Monday.

Because did I ruin us? Or was I fool for thinking that you actually cared about me?

You opened my message on a Monday.

And you didn’t reply, nothing new.

You replied to me on a Wednesday.

It took you two days to give me your two-second, half-assed reply.

My friends saw you with her on a Wednesday.

I thought why am I even trying anymore when you don’t care.

I saw you on a Thursday.

But how could you expect me to look directly into your eyes? I couldn’t. I had to leave fast.

I overthink about you every day.

Nothing has or will ever change that.

It’s funny how so much can happen in a mere day.

How a friendship can be made.

How feelings can be developed.

But also, how everything can come crashing down.

I’m writing this about the two of us on a Saturday.

Is it the end of us? Was there ever an us?

«Music Saturday»

Rockabye by Clean Bandit ft. Sean Paul & Anne-Marie 

Runnin’ Home to You by Grant Gustin 

No Promises by Cheat Codes ft. Demi Lovato

If This is Love by Ruth B

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Friendship over Feelings

12.08. 16:

I don’t want to do this anymore.

I don’t want to feel anymore.

And it sucks because I feel like I can’t talk to anyone one on one with this because no one cares.

I am so friendzoned that it’s not even funny.

And it’s so frustrating.

Because Phoenix is such a great and genuine friend and guy.

But that’s what he’ll always be… A friend.

Ever since he broke up with his girlfriend we’ve been talking more. I guess it’s because I don’t feel bad for my feelings anymore.

But since we’ve been talking more, I’ve just been getting more comfortable and falling in deeper.

It hurts so so so so so much. Because he’ll never think of me in that way. Why would he?

This is so pathetic and stupid, I never wanted my life to revolve around a guy,  but it’s so hard. It’s so frustrating and complicated whenever I fall for someone. Why can’t it just be a small crush? Why does he have to notice me? Why couldn’t I just have admired him from afar like any normal crush?

It’s stupid to say this, but it was easier when he had a girlfriend because then my feelings couldn’t be acted upon.

But now, it’s hard knowing that he’s not taken but also knowing you never have a chance. And you never will because he only likes you platonically.

It’s especially hard considering I see him every day and I can’t avoid him because we’re friends and he’s so caring ugh.

The other day I tried not to give into a conversation that I knew was coming so I just acted kind of detached in a sense. But that didn’t make him stop talking to me. Noooo it made him full on turn towards me and flash a perfect smile and talk in his charming voice and ugh.

I can’t think of him as a friend. I’ve tried so hard. I tried and tried and tried, but I can’t think of him in that way.  I just can’t.

And it hurts. It hurts so much.

I sound so stupid, heartbreak is stupid. This is why during those first few weeks I didn’t want to admit that I like him and was falling for him because I didn’t want to get hurt again.

But here I am. I have this great guy as a friend. That should be enough for me, shouldn’t it? Why does my heart have to have a say?

12.09.16:

So I typed that all out yesterday and I didn’t get the chance to upload it because of different uninteresting complications. But it’s a day later and I’ve thought more of some things.

I can’t believe that I actually thought all of the above.

I mean, yes it does hurt. But, I don’t deserve anything out of him.

I ignored him the first day of school, but he wanted to be friends.

I want to start ignore him, but he keeps being kind.

I don’t deserve anything out of him, if anything, he deserves things out of me.

I shouldn’t just ignore him just because his heart doesn’t seem to feel the same way. Why would he in any case deserve that?

I think that I’ve just been taking this situation the same way I’ve ben talking the “Him” situation. If you don’t know, “Him” is a guy who I’ve had feelings for, for a while and before Phoenix, have been trying to get over for the past 2 years, which I have done. But, while I liked him, to be honest, he was a jerk. He played with my heart on purpose, it was a part of his charming game. I was nothing special to him. It didn’t bother him whether I talked to him or not. He was and is the exact opposite of Phoenix. So, why do I want to treat Phoenix like I treated “Him?”

Phoenix is an amazing friend. When I’m having crappy days, he smiles at me and asks me if I’m ok when I seem off. He does little things that helps so much, like helping me study for our Spanish quiz. He’s proud of me when I don’t give up on something stressful, and he always comforts me. He doesn’t deserve any hate that my heart wants to give him for liking me platonically.

It just so happens that I like him as well. If he doesn’t  like me too and thinks of me in a platonic way, it’ll be hard for my heart. But realistically, he’s a friend I never want to lose due to my heart.

I am in no way disregarding my feelings or blaming my heart for anything, I just don’t want to let my heart be the only one that has a say. I want my head to be in there too, and my head is saying it doesn’t want to lose another friend. My heart will most definitely hurt, but this hurt is better than the hurt of losing him altogether.

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eyes: They are deadly

Your eyes:

They said the words you could never say to me.

They listened to the words I could never tell you.

They seemed interested in me.

They reflected all of your emotions.

They looked at the person I was and not the person everyone else saw.

They looked for me.

They always spotted me.

They found me, when I was lost.

They played with me.

They challenged me.

They were kind.

They stared at me like I was special.

They stared at my eyes so easily.

They told me a story I never heard from your lips.

They never pushed too far.

They always noticed me in a crowded room.

They gave me comfort when I felt alone.

They always remember me , no matter what you did, no matter how much you changed.

But

They also looked right through me once, and that’s something that I’ll never forget.

Now all I feel is violated.

They make me feel shy now.

They aren’t so kind anymore.

They bring up so much history.

They make me remember things I’ve been forced to forget.

They bring back these feelings, feelings that I’ve worked so hard to erase.

They are my weak point.

They could belong to a stranger by the way they look at me now.

They challenge me, but this time in a bad way.

They have probably seen other eyes that give all the feelings that I described above to others.

They have nothing left to say to me.

They don’t tell me the truth.

They are too busy looking at someone else.

They barely see me.

They are filled with nothing when I look into them.

They don’t care anymore.

They don’t notice me anymore.

They don’t need to see my eyes anymore.

They don’t look for me anymore.

They intimidate me.

And I’m scared now.

I have to stay cautious, because if I ever get lost in your eyes again…

I would be lost forever.

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