to start over.

“no person wants to start over with a new person. telling secrets, giving their body away. falling all over again. its too much..”

via @changes on twitter

This twitter post literally came the very day I needed it. Coincidence? I really don’t know.

But do you know what it’s like?

Let’s go back. If you’re interested in a little history step inside the rollercoaster ride.

Eighth grade. I like this guy in my class. And this is the first time I’ve liked someone for their personality, and not just solely on looks. He was funny, we had banter, and he said cute things sometimes, I guess. He did things my little middle school heart never experienced before… like he hugged me. Yep. Hugged me. Many other things happened and I had a little hope that he liked me. But he didn’t.

And so when it was time for us to go our separate ways into high school, I found myself missing him. Long story, short (because this story was on my blog before “Over”) I tried to get over him and it took two years. He was completely toxic for my heart. I always thought he was genuine and missed me too, but no.

One of my best friends told me that I would meet someone better, someone who deserved my heart… then “Phoenix” showed up. And I thought maybe this is my second chance.

Remember Phoenix? The guy I thought was perfect for my heart? The guy I thought would never hurt me? I thought he would be someone worth falling for.

So I fell.

It’s been months. Maybe even close to a year?

And honestly, when I fell I didn’t expect to be this close to him. To have his number, to have his snapchat, to have hung out with him. None of that was expected when I started to fall. But it happened. And it made the falling even worse.

But the falling was okay. Because Phoenix seemed sooooo much better than my eighth-grade crush, let’s call him “Over.”

So I started over with Phoenix. I fell. Again. But it was okay because he was genuine and sweet and honest and real. Right?

Phoenix did things that no guy has ever done. He asked me if I had depression, he sensed that himself, and then he figured out that I had anxiety and he asked me about it. And he told me that he would be there to talk if I ever needed it. He suspected something was wrong and something happened in my life just because of a “weird-sounding” text. And we texted each other in paragraphs and he never seemed to mind.

But then, things changed.

And he just turned out to be like the 7.0 version of Over. But it was deeper this time. It was much deeper.

I told Phoenix things I haven’t even told my best friend. I told him my fears, my secrets, I gave him a piece of myself. I got to know him, or at least who he wanted to seem like in front of me. I built a relationship with him. And for what?

For it to just go to waste?

We’re not on good terms right now. This isn’t like some petty fight… this might be the end of the Phoenix chapter. And honestly? I thought it would last way longer. But he turned out to be just as dishonest as Over.

Both of them were just full of talk and their actions came from their ego instead of their heart.

So here I am. After falling deeper for the second time.

I thought I would be in a better place. I thought it would be worth it. I thought it would at least feel better than this.

But falling for the second time is, even more, worse than the first time.

Ater the first time, I was cautious. I didn’t want to let my heart out of its chains again. But when a guy does the sweet things that Phoenix did you get vulnerable and you trust. And you fall before you can stop yourself.

I never really believed my best friend when she said I would find a guy who would treat me so much better. It didn’t really feel like that would actually happen because it’s me and my life. But then he came in and gave me a little hope that genuine guys existed and there might be a chance I could get over “Over.”

He gave me hope after my first fall.

But the second fall, like I said, didn’t turn out great. Not at the beginning, not in the middle, not in the end.

Even though there were great things that happened during this fall… something was there to always make me feel like crap: another girl, he hurt me unintentionally or intentionally, my anxiety, etc.

And you know? I tried so hard to push the crappy parts down because I thought I would never meet another guy like him. A guy who would care so much about me and about my past and my future. A guy who wanted to see the stars with me, wanted to see a play together, wanted to go far away someday to escape it all, didn’t believe in promises like me, and hated fake people just as much as me. He seemed… right? He told me instead of a party he would want to see a sunset and I’m like wow, the perfect person for a girl with anxiety.

It all just seemed so perfect. I guess that’s what was wrong. The perception of it was deceitful.

But the way I got to know him was different than the way I got to know anyone else. We opened up to each other. We took small steps. We shared.

How do you let something like that go?

And how can you possibly think of moving on and thinking you deserve someone better when that was it… when that was the better? Or at least it felt like it.

Did I waste all those months, all that time, falling for him? Is it all just a waste now? Now that I know I meant nothing to him. And it was all nothing.

I don’t even know if I can get up after this second fall. I don’t think I can picture myself giving so much of myself to another person… hoping that they’re the right one for my heart.

I can’t do it again. I can’t.

It was hard enough this time.

Now, a piece of me is with him and he’s just breaking that piece apart.

How can I open up myself to another person? Open up my heart? The thought of falling for a third time and getting heartbroken for a third time? I don’t want to think of that. It really exhausts me thinking like that. I don’t even know if I’ll even be able to…

How do people like this get so consumed with playing the game that they don’t even realize they’re playing with feelings and emotions? Doesn’t that ever cross their minds?

How can I start over?

After going through so much, after listening to my heart, how can I possibly start over?


all it takes is a day for things to happen.

I met you again on a Monday.

It was a weird day for me.

It was confirmed that we had four classes together that semester on a Tuesday.

Purely coincidental, right?

I realized that I started harboring feelings for you on a Saturday.

Was it only because I wanted to get over someone?

You remembered me on a Friday.

It was weird for us to be talking again for the first time in 2 years.

You smiled at me for the first time on a Friday.

We had Spanish presentations that day.

You said “Hello” to me on a Friday.

And that’s the moment I knew I was in for a long ride.

I saw you with your girlfriend outside the door of our first period class on a Tuesday.

And my heart broke in a way I didn’t ever want to feel again (but still keep feeling).

I told my other best friend that I like you on a Sunday.

I guess that’s when it became real.

I had to sit next to you in class on a Thursday.

Because the seat next to my best friend was taken.

I gave you the binder that you left in class on a Thursday.

But I never told you it was me.

I liked having a conversation with you on a Thursday.

It was awkward for me at first but you were still the same nice person from freshman year.

You moved to the right in the front of the room for me so that I could be able to stand next to you and see (because I’m short) on a Friday.

And I still don’t know what made you do that.

I realized you started bringing me happiness on a Tuesday.

And I vented to my best friend about how you would never break up with your girlfriend and it was hopeless.

You told me not to give up on a project on a Thursday.

So I didn’t.

I realized I couldn’t do anything about my feelings on a Tuesday.

Your smile and the way you looked at me didn’t help.

I found out that you broke up with your girlfriend on a Wednesday.

It was hard to believe, I didn’t think it would actually happen.

My friend told me to get your number on a Saturday.

And I thought how would that ever happen.

You accidentally bumped into me on a Thursday.

And it was hilarious because you felt so bad and thought you had crushed me.

I figured out our friendship was platonic on a Thursday.

And it hurt me.

I realized I didn’t want to lose your friendship on a Friday.

So I held on, even with my feelings, because of who you were.

Our Spanish teacher assigned your seat right in front of me on a Friday.

And I knew life was laughing at me somewhere.

You smiled at me for the hundredth (I didn’t actually count) time on a Thursday.

That’s when I realized that could be the one thing that could kill me.

Your ex-girlfriend got yelled at by her friends for not wearing her jacket on a Thursday.

She didn’t have it because you had it and my heart broke for the ______ time.

I listened to sad music and created a playlist on Spotify on a Thursday.

Because it hurt so damn much.

I had to avoid you and be abrupt with your questions in Photography class on a Friday.

But I had to ask you for help in that class and you cared.

We had a full conversation in class on a Friday.

It helped but I was very confused.

I got your snapchat on a Friday.

But only because my best friend wanted the pictures of the Spanish packet that you discreetly took on your phone.

I messaged you first on a Saturday.

That’s when our first text conversation began.

You made fun of how I almost fell off the hill on a Friday.

And I wanted to make you fall.

You stopped our conversation and left my side to go talk to her on a Friday.

Of course, why would you keep talking to me?

You asked me if I had depression on a Wednesday.

I told you the truth about my anxiety and knew that this wouldn’t be an easy crush.

I opened up about my anxiety to you on a Saturday.

And it was weird for me.

You told me you were interested in who I was on a Sunday.

And if my anxiety was convincing me that I was bothering you- you wouldn’t be doing your job as a good friend.

I found out we had no classes together in second semester on a Monday.

I felt my heart drop and questioned life’s intentions.

I told you that I was upset about it on a Monday.

I can’t believe I was that comfortable with you to tell you that.

You told me you would never forget me and that we would still message each other on a Tuesday.

It made me feel better.

You got yelled at by her to hurry up on a Wednesday.

And one of my classmates/friends asked me if you were back together with her.

You sat next to me in class on a Thursday.

Because that would be our last class that we had together, but the 45 minutes went by too fast.

My best friend told you that I could sing on a Friday.

And you said you were gonna hear me sing one day or another.

The new semester began on a Monday.

It broke my heart not to see you every day in my classes.

I missed you especially in Spanish class on a Monday.

Because you made that class bearable.

I saw you on the staircase with your new haircut on a Tuesday.

And I yelled at you for not responding to my message.

I saw you walking with her on a Tuesday.

And I knew, for a fact, that you would never miss me as much as I miss you.

I asked you how you would feel if our friendship ended on a Thursday.

And you told me you would be sad, real sad.

I thought my anxiety messed up our friendship on a Monday.

Because I was overthinking the fact that you didn’t talk to me for a week because your messaging wasn’t working.

I realized that I was scared on a Monday.

I was scared to lose you.

I told one of my friends who’s also your friend that I liked you on a Monday.

And she told me that you never got back together with her, you were just best friends with her.

I thought you weren’t trying anymore in our friendship on a Friday.

Did you even want to hang out and see me?

I turned around to talk to my friend just so you wouldn’t talk to me on a Friday.

Because I needed to protect my heart.

You told me you had your college life planned out already on a Sunday.

And I was jealous because I didn’t even know where I would want to go to college.

You hugged me on a Monday.

And my heart wouldn’t stop palpitating for 10 minutes.

You told me my sarcasm makes you laugh on a Thursday.

I really was growing comfortable with you.

You told me that we should go to Ethiopia and India on a Monday.

But it was just for the conversation, right?

You told me we should text shorter to each other on a Friday.

So that we would be able to have time to talk more.

You told me you wanted to watch the school play with me on a Thursday.

But we both had conflicting schedules and I told you that there would be other opportunities for us to hang out.

I gave you a nickname on a Saturday.

And you were already finding ideas for mine.

I told you that fake people don’t know the real me and think I’m quiet on a Saturday.

You told me that must mean I’m comfortable with you and we’re comfortable with each other.

You gave me a nickname on Sunday.

And we figured out that we had a lot in common, like finding puns hilarious.

You told me that instead of planning to go to the play we should’ve gone to see a beautiful sunset on a Monday.

I told you I want to escape from the city and see the stars and you agreed that that should be our goal for the semester/summer.

You gave me candy on a Monday.

I have horrible eye-to-hand coordination so you had to throw it into the hoodie of my jacket.

I saw you on the staircase and you stopped me from going to lunch to have a short conversation on a Monday.

You asked me if I wanted to hang out with you over spring break, making you late to class.

You told me that whenever we see each other briefly at school and have our little talks away from texting it makes your day on a Monday.

You really aren’t helping me.

You told me you felt bad because you went to Chipotle and couldn’t buy me anything because you didn’t have enough cash on a Monday.

Did you really think of me or were you just saying that?

I told you I had a crappy day and you told me that you hope my smile is saved for Tuesday.

In a platonic way, right?

You told me you drove illegally to Chipotle on a Wednesday.

You’re such a bad influence and I thought I had to make sure to give you a bit of my good influence.

You told me you were sad that you didn’t see me on the last day of school before spring break on a Friday.

You claimed that you would pick me up and I told you I was not looking forward to being thrown like a football.

I replied to you shortly while I was in my dark hole on a Monday.

I had a little hope that you would ask me what’s wrong but thought it was just another one of my mind’s impossible realities.

You asked me what’s wrong on a Monday.

I dropped my phone; you weren’t actually supposed to make my mind’s fantasies to come true.

You told me you had to make sure that I knew that you cared on a Wednesday.

And that you would be there when I was ready to open up to you. Liar.

I messaged you my childhood pictures because you wanted to see them on a Thursday.

You thought I was so cute and I asked for your childhood pictures too.

I went into my dark hole again and I opened up to you on a Friday.

My mistake for actually thinking that you would be there and you actually cared.

You read my message without a reply on a Saturday.

And I ruined myself waiting for you to reply because I was vulnerable.

You sent me a message the night before school on a Monday.

I didn’t open it because I was a pissed you left me hanging for two days.

I opened your message on a Wednesday.

And it had nothing to do with me opening up to you.

I told people I could trust how you responded to me opening up to you on a Thursday.

And they told me I deserve better and to move on.

I blamed myself for the whole thing on a Friday.

Because if I didn’t open up to you we would still be talking like we normally do.

I asked my friend if I should be upfront with you about the whole thing on a Saturday.

She told me not to bring it up and to just start a new conversation, so I did.

I started a new conversation on a Saturday.

And I wonder if I didn’t start a new conversation, would you have even cared? Did it even phase you that we hadn’t talked for 3 days?

My friend told me that if you hurt me again she would fight you on a Saturday.

I trusted that you wouldn’t because I knew who you were. I was wrong. I don’t know who you are anymore.

We had a conversation on a Sunday.

But it felt weird, you weren’t responding like you used to.

I opened a message of yours on a Monday.

And you put no effort into replying to what I had to say. Your paragraphs turned into uninterested short sentences.

I cried because of you on a Monday.

Because did I ruin us? Or was I fool for thinking that you actually cared about me?

You opened my message on a Monday.

And you didn’t reply, nothing new.

You replied to me on a Wednesday.

It took you two days to give me your two-second, half-assed reply.

My friends saw you with her on a Wednesday.

I thought why am I even trying anymore when you don’t care.

I saw you on a Thursday.

But how could you expect me to look directly into your eyes? I couldn’t. I had to leave fast.

I overthink about you every day.

Nothing has or will ever change that.

It’s funny how so much can happen in a mere day.

How a friendship can be made.

How feelings can be developed.

But also, how everything can come crashing down.

I’m writing this about the two of us on a Saturday.

Is it the end of us? Was there ever an us?

«Music Saturday»

Rockabye by Clean Bandit ft. Sean Paul & Anne-Marie 

Runnin’ Home to You by Grant Gustin 

No Promises by Cheat Codes ft. Demi Lovato

If This is Love by Ruth B


Friendship over Feelings

12.08. 16:

I don’t want to do this anymore.

I don’t want to feel anymore.

And it sucks because I feel like I can’t talk to anyone one on one with this because no one cares.

I am so friendzoned that it’s not even funny.

And it’s so frustrating.

Because Phoenix is such a great and genuine friend and guy.

But that’s what he’ll always be… A friend.

Ever since he broke up with his girlfriend we’ve been talking more. I guess it’s because I don’t feel bad for my feelings anymore.

But since we’ve been talking more, I’ve just been getting more comfortable and falling in deeper.

It hurts so so so so so much. Because he’ll never think of me in that way. Why would he?

This is so pathetic and stupid, I never wanted my life to revolve around a guy,  but it’s so hard. It’s so frustrating and complicated whenever I fall for someone. Why can’t it just be a small crush? Why does he have to notice me? Why couldn’t I just have admired him from afar like any normal crush?

It’s stupid to say this, but it was easier when he had a girlfriend because then my feelings couldn’t be acted upon.

But now, it’s hard knowing that he’s not taken but also knowing you never have a chance. And you never will because he only likes you platonically.

It’s especially hard considering I see him every day and I can’t avoid him because we’re friends and he’s so caring ugh.

The other day I tried not to give into a conversation that I knew was coming so I just acted kind of detached in a sense. But that didn’t make him stop talking to me. Noooo it made him full on turn towards me and flash a perfect smile and talk in his charming voice and ugh.

I can’t think of him as a friend. I’ve tried so hard. I tried and tried and tried, but I can’t think of him in that way.  I just can’t.

And it hurts. It hurts so much.

I sound so stupid, heartbreak is stupid. This is why during those first few weeks I didn’t want to admit that I like him and was falling for him because I didn’t want to get hurt again.

But here I am. I have this great guy as a friend. That should be enough for me, shouldn’t it? Why does my heart have to have a say?


So I typed that all out yesterday and I didn’t get the chance to upload it because of different uninteresting complications. But it’s a day later and I’ve thought more of some things.

I can’t believe that I actually thought all of the above.

I mean, yes it does hurt. But, I don’t deserve anything out of him.

I ignored him the first day of school, but he wanted to be friends.

I want to start ignore him, but he keeps being kind.

I don’t deserve anything out of him, if anything, he deserves things out of me.

I shouldn’t just ignore him just because his heart doesn’t seem to feel the same way. Why would he in any case deserve that?

I think that I’ve just been taking this situation the same way I’ve ben talking the “Him” situation. If you don’t know, “Him” is a guy who I’ve had feelings for, for a while and before Phoenix, have been trying to get over for the past 2 years, which I have done. But, while I liked him, to be honest, he was a jerk. He played with my heart on purpose, it was a part of his charming game. I was nothing special to him. It didn’t bother him whether I talked to him or not. He was and is the exact opposite of Phoenix. So, why do I want to treat Phoenix like I treated “Him?”

Phoenix is an amazing friend. When I’m having crappy days, he smiles at me and asks me if I’m ok when I seem off. He does little things that helps so much, like helping me study for our Spanish quiz. He’s proud of me when I don’t give up on something stressful, and he always comforts me. He doesn’t deserve any hate that my heart wants to give him for liking me platonically.

It just so happens that I like him as well. If he doesn’t  like me too and thinks of me in a platonic way, it’ll be hard for my heart. But realistically, he’s a friend I never want to lose due to my heart.

I am in no way disregarding my feelings or blaming my heart for anything, I just don’t want to let my heart be the only one that has a say. I want my head to be in there too, and my head is saying it doesn’t want to lose another friend. My heart will most definitely hurt, but this hurt is better than the hurt of losing him altogether.



Both Sides to the Story

She fell in love.

A boy in her class.

She doesn’t know when it first began, or how,

but she knows it isn’t a new feeling.

He would lean his arm on her desk and tell her funny jokes.

She would laugh for hours if the teacher didn’t glare at the two of them, every class period.

Then she would blush, knowing the fact that she laughed too loud.

She looked over at him, but he was already smiling at her.

She would help him whenever he asked, and in return he would say,

“I don’t know what I would do without you.”

She would ignore his gratitude with an eye roll, because of course he was being dramatic, but she couldn’t lie that her heart was racing and a blush was forming.

She would see him sometimes at lunch, at a table with his friends.

She studied his face, his features.

He always looked so carefree, so happy.

She smiled.

She was in love.

She is.

She would always sneak glances of him whenever she could, because she couldn’t help it.

Her heart had authority over her mind.

But this time, this glance broke her heart

Time slows down as she watches a girl approach him.

She watches him envelop this girl in a hug.

Nothing much.

But then she sees him laugh with her. Smile at her. He looks happy.

“Why would I ruin that?” she wondered.

Looking away, she wipes her tears with the palm of her hand, turns around and leaves the cafeteria.

“He would never love me.”

He was in love with her.

A girl in his class.

He doesn’t know what this feeling is, or how to describe it,

but he knows it’s a feeling that only happens around her.

She would send him texts during class to make sure that he was always smiling.

He would get so caught up in replying to her that he never noticed when the teacher would come up to him with a hand out, every class period.

Then he would glance over at her and act angry.

But how could he act angry with such a beautiful smile on her face?

He would give her a pen whenever she asked, because she was too nice of a person to say no to someone who asked her for one, which in result, lead to this dilemma. In return she would say,

“I don’t know what I would do without you.”

He would ignore the fact that she stole his line with a smirk, because of course she was being funny, but he couldn’t lie that his heart was racing and his mind thought of so many different scenarios.

He would see her sometimes in the morning, talking to her friends.

He studied her face, her features.

She always looked beautiful, and happy.

He smiled.

He was in love.

He is.

He would always sneak glances of her whenever he could, because he couldn’t help looking at that smile.

His heart had authority over his mind.

But this time, this glance broke his heart

Time slows down as he watches a boy approach her.

He watches her as this guy kisses her cheek.

Nothing much.

But then he sees her laugh with him. Smile at him. She looks happy.

“Why would I ruin that?” he wondered.

Looking away, he grips his backpack strap so hard that his hand turns white, looks around and leaves to go to his locker.

“She would never love me.”

The worst part is that you only know your side, you never know the other side of the story.


eyes: They are deadly

Your eyes:

They said the words you could never say to me.

They listened to the words I could never tell you.

They seemed interested in me.

They reflected all of your emotions.

They looked at the person I was and not the person everyone else saw.

They looked for me.

They always spotted me.

They found me, when I was lost.

They played with me.

They challenged me.

They were kind.

They stared at me like I was special.

They stared at my eyes so easily.

They told me a story I never heard from your lips.

They never pushed too far.

They always noticed me in a crowded room.

They gave me comfort when I felt alone.

They always remember me , no matter what you did, no matter how much you changed.


They also looked right through me once, and that’s something that I’ll never forget.

Now all I feel is violated.

They make me feel shy now.

They aren’t so kind anymore.

They bring up so much history.

They make me remember things I’ve been forced to forget.

They bring back these feelings, feelings that I’ve worked so hard to erase.

They are my weak point.

They could belong to a stranger by the way they look at me now.

They challenge me, but this time in a bad way.

They have probably seen other eyes that give all the feelings that I described above to others.

They have nothing left to say to me.

They don’t tell me the truth.

They are too busy looking at someone else.

They barely see me.

They are filled with nothing when I look into them.

They don’t care anymore.

They don’t notice me anymore.

They don’t need to see my eyes anymore.

They don’t look for me anymore.

They intimidate me.

And I’m scared now.

I have to stay cautious, because if I ever get lost in your eyes again…

I would be lost forever.




1 month

I used to count the days til I would hopefully see you.

2 month

I used to count the weeks til we would talk like old times.

3 months

I used to count the months since our last conversation.

4 months

I used to count the months since I last saw you, and you me.

5 months

I used to count the months since I last looked at your social media.

6 months

I used to count the months since I saw your profile picture, that was enough temptation for me.

7 months

I used to count the months since my curiosity took over me.

8 months

I used to count the months since the last time you smiled at me.

9 months

I used to count the months since the first time you hugged me.

10 months

I used to count the months since the last time you looked me in the eye.

11 months

I used to count the months since the easier days.

12 months

I no longer count the months.

Remeber to Forget and Forget to Remember

I still remember what your hands look like.

I could picture them in my sleep.

I still remember how pink your lips were.

I still remember how you made me feel.

I still remember that look you always gave me.

I can still hear the echo of your laughter in my mind. Like one of my favorite songs on replay.


I can’t remember your voice.

I can hardly picture your smile.

I can’t remember how you would say my name.

I can’t remember every conversation we’ve had.

I’m starting to forget the person you were..

Because of the person you’re becoming.

I don’t know what’s worse.

I don’t know what it is that’s killing me.

Remembering you


Forgetting you