deep thoughts: crying

Have you ever cried where the thing that set you off isn’t actually the reason you’re bawling your eyes out?

Let me explain…

A couple of days ago, I cried when something happened.

At the time, I knew I was crying for a stupid reason.

The thing I was crying about was a misunderstanding and I had a feeling someone would help me out and they did.

But I still bawled over this stupid reason.

Myself, knowing, that it was in fact stupid.

I kept crying.

In fact I just laid in bed crying and thinking while listening to music.

Where’s the part where I make a point?

Don’t worry I’m getting there.

I realized that I wasn’t crying over what happened…

I was crying over things that accumulated in my mind that I never really cried over.

I thought about all my demons from the past few days and how they’ve been eating away at my mind.

Even things that aren’t true or have any indication of being true, because that’s what anxiety does to you.

It eats away at your brain.

And suddenly I wasn’t crying over one thing, but so many other things.

It wasn’t like a good cry… is there such a thing?

It was like a dark, “I’m gonna go crawl in my hole” kind of cries. Because I really thought I was gonna go back to that 16 year old version of me who only felt insecure and worthless. She’s made only a few appearances this year (which is an achievement). But I didn’t revert to her.

The next day, I was actually really happy. I spent a day with my friends and I was okay.

I just think I needed to cry.

I needed to let it all out.

I just needed a moment to not pretend that I was okay and that everything was good.

Because it’s okay accepting that things aren’t okay.

And it’s always okay to cry. Who said it wasn’t?

It’s good to cry, it means you’re not holding anything in.

So maybe sometimes we don’t cry because of what just happened or because of one solid reason.

Maybe we cry when our “This is enough” gauge gets full.

Maybe we cry when everything becomes too much.

Maybe we cry when we don’t know what else to do.

Maybe we cry just to cry.

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Emotions

Just because I cry doesn’t mean I’m weak.

It means that I’ve been holding in pain that I can’t hold in anymore.

It means that I’m openly allowing myself to be sad.

It means that I don’t want all my sadness to build up.

Just because I’m mad doesn’t mean I’m going crazy.

It means someone did something horrible to me and I’m letting it out.

It means I hold pent up frustration that I want to let go.

It means that I don’t want the anger to brew in me like a storm.

Just because I’m happy doesn’t mean I’m annoying.

It means that I’ve been through the worst pain but I’ve finally managed to put a smile on my face.

It means that I’ve learned to appreciate the little things in life.

It means that I’m not afraid to be truly happy in fear of it being taken away.

Just because I’m feeling a certain human emotion does not mean that I can be characterized and labeled.

The expression of my emotions shows that I’m only a human. I’m learning how to deal with everything.

But I am not one to bottle my emotions.

I’ll be so happy that it’ll freak you out.

I’ll be so mad that I will cause a commotion.

I’ll be so sad and use 10 boxes of Kleenix, which will result being thrown to the ground.

I’ll do all these things because I’m human.

I’m allowed to feel. I’m allowed to showcase my inner feelings. I will showcase them.

Because it makes me feel better.

It makes me stronger.

It makes me grow.

Staying calm will not make me grow.

It’ll only make me restricted.

Have you ever seen a bird fly without a little frustration?

Emotions motivate us.

They heal us from the storm brewing inside of us.

You’re human. You’re allowed to feel.

2015 Lessons

Some things that I’ve learned in 2015 that I thought I should share:

  • Don’t be you for someone else, be you for you.
    • Something I learned in 2015 was don’t do things because you want to impress someone else, do it for yourself. Do your hair for yourself. Look amazing for yourself. Wear makeup for yourself. If you’re going to do something extra for you do it for you, and not for someone else.
  • To-do lists really do help.
    •   I started making to-do lists this year when I had a lot of stuff to do and they really do help. Putting a little check mark or slashing what you had to do that day made me feel really accomplished and it goes a long way. It especially helps if I can’t remember all that I had to do that day.
  • Hold on to hope.
    • I literally realized this year that hope is a majority of the reason why I’m still here and I should keep holding on to it. Some bloggers on here even told me that I should hold on to hope because it’s really special. (Thank you to everyone who gave me that advice)
  • Happiness should be cherished.
    • I never knew that I would analyze happiness so much this year. When I was little, happiness was just happiness, but now it’s so  much more than that. It’s a way of life, it’s a goal of life. It shouldn’t be taken for granted.
  • A boy isn’t my sole chance to happiness.
    • I had to learn this the hard way with the guy I always used to talk about. I don’t really talk about him anymore because there hasn’t been much to talk about concerning him. I guess that’s progress. I always thought he would give me a happiness I wouldn’t even be able to comprehend… Then I figured out that I didn’t need his hug or his “Hey,” because I have a bunch of friends who give me genuine hugs and people who say hello to me actually say “Hello” to me looking for a conversation. I really don’t need him at all.
  • Don’t bottle emotions.
    • I had to learn not to hide emotions. There were really dark places that I’ve walked into this year. I was so close to giving up this year, so so so close. But then I got the opportunity of finding new bloggers with this website who give amazing advice that I actually still keep. Without this website I think that I would still be bottling emotions and I would keep scarring myself a little bit more.
  • Cherish Every. Given. Moment.
    • Please do, because every moment had a purpose in your story. Even if it’s a heartbreaking chapter.
  • Everything will get better someday.
    • It will, no matter how cheesy it sounds. I remember at the beginning of the year I was still coping with a death of a loved one. I thought it could never get better. But it did, I now know she is in a better place where nothing can hurt her.
  • Change isn’t always bad.
    • I always thought that change was like a curse word. Change was change, what was good about change? I realized that we can’t grow without change. And we need to be able to grow to develop our stories.
  • Don’t give up on dreams.
    • Don’t let go of your dreams, no matter how crazy or impossible they might be. Strive for that dream with all your heart. Who cares what anybody else wants for you. Your dreams are what you want for yourself.
  • Don’t change yourself for anyone.
    • I considered being someone else just to please somebody else. I was actually willing to be someone that I wasn’t and it was like I was another person. Don’t be another person, be you.
  • Don’t demean yourself.
    • Don’t bring yourself down. I’m still working on this. At the end of the day out of all the people who hurt you, you are the only person that can choose not to hurt you. I think there should be at least one person in your life who will never hurt you. It’s hard finding that person. So let it be you. Don’t bring yourself down, it really doesn’t help anything, it especially doesn’t help yourself.
  • Complimenting yourself in the mirror really does help.
    • Telling yourself simple and kind words really does help. It helps you get through the day and build self-esteem. I even put sticky notes on the wall next to my mirror reminding myself to smile and keep holding on.
  • Feel what you want to feel.
    • If you’re sad cry humongous tears. If you’re happy laugh for hours. If you’re mad scream into a pillow. Feel what you want to feel, express every emotion you’re feeling. You’re allowed to feel.
  • Roadblocks don’t limit the destination.
    • Just because there’s something blocking you from your destination doesn’t mean it’s the end. It’s only the very beginning.
  • Take the jump.
    • If there is a chance given to do something bigger in your life and make it more meaningful take it. Seize the day. It’ll be worse wondering what if for the rest of your days.
  • And lastly.. To Stay Strong.
    • As it states, stay strong and keep holding on. Never give up, because there’s someone out there wanting you to hold on. I especially want you to hold on and stay strong.

Your Standards Won’t Fool Me

In our lives, at a given point we were judged. We were judged and we believed that we had to achieve someone else’s standards of “perfect.”

For me it happened when I was a kid. People always told me I was too skinny and too small. No matter where I would go someone would call me skinny. I mean the height thing bothered me for a while because I never truly understood why I had to be, in comparison, smaller than other people. But over the years I’ve embraced my height. But the thing that always bothered me was the weight thing. People actually assumed that I didn’t eat at all. I mean if I didn’t eat at all how was I still alive? I really wish I knew I didn’t have to believe them back then. Whenever someone would tell me I’m “too skinny.” I would believe them and I would try to fit their standard. I tried eating more so I could prove them wrong. But no matter what I couldn’t please them. The worst part was that this was always coming from my extended family. Relatives. People that should love me for who I am. But they didn’t. They always saw some flaw in me. My relatives are very judgmental. For a while in my life I thought I had to please them. That I actually had to please them for my benefit to gain their acceptance. But thankfully, over the years I’ve learned that I don’t have to fit to people’s standards.

Because what others think about me doesn’t even come close to what I think of myself.

I’m really glad I learned this before it became a severe issue during the rest of my life. But I hope you know that you don’t have to be anyone you’re not and you don’t have to fall under anyone’s standards.

You know how I ultimately figured all of this out?

Once I wasn’t in the best mood. Blame me for having feelings and emotions. Someone asks me “Why I don’t smile enough.”

Once I was in a good mood. I was happy one day because I was with my friends. One of the people I casually talk to every other day asks me “Why I smile too much.”

Funny, huh? I’ve been told why I don’t smile enough and why I smile too much. Polar opposites of each other.

No matter what you do you can never please “them.” “They,” whoever they are, will always find a flaw in you. You have to learn to overcome it and not let it bother you. Even though I’ve overcome “standards”, people still tell me I’m too “this” or too “that.” But, I never let them win. I believe what I believe. I know what I am. Why should I please someone to achieve their standard of “perfect?” Perfect, like it or not, doesn’t exist. Nobody on this earth is perfect. Everybody has flaws, everybody makes mistakes. But when you’re the person to call someone else out on their “flaws” and you think they should fix it, that’s when you become the jerk. Don’t be the jerk. Don’t ask someone why they’re this way or that way. Worry about yourself. Believe that you’re you. You will always be you. Believe that no one’s opinion of you will overcome your opinion of you.

Should’ve known

Wow. I should’ve known.

I should’ve known from the moment the insults were getting excessive.

I should’ve known the moment assumptions were made.

I should’ve known the moment you made me feel like society makes me feel.

Why am I trying to prove myself to you. Being friends should make you believe me. But sometimes you never did. I always had to tell you about my personality but you never believed that I could be something other than what you thought.

Do you not know me at all? I am in no way like that. You don’t even know when my birthday is.

How can I call us friends? When we haven’t even scratched the surface.

I should’ve known when you first called me stupid. But to you it was just your way of froendly insults. Even though it hurt me for days.

I mean friends share insulting, not really insulting comments sometimes only to tease you, because they love you. But your comments were excessive. That you start to take it personally sometimes.

I got over that.

But the moment you make assumptions about my actions it gets really personal.

I should’ve known.

Only time will tell where this leads.

Hello Sophomore

So today was the first day of my sophomore year of high school. It was a little better than the first day of freshman year. Because this time I actually knew where the rooms were without massive help. And I didn’t have confusion written all over my face (But I got maybe a bit lost, hey don’t blame me it’s a huge public school). So… Emotions?

Well, I didn’t get enough sleep last night because your body always seems to not be tired on the night before the first day of school.

The skinny jeans I wore were suddenly not the best idea for a gymnasium that had no AC. None. AT ALL. But I survived. MY classes seemed ok. But I don’t really know anyone.  And none of my friends are in my classes, barely anyone I know are in them.  That was kind of a downer. But hey, we still have lunch together.

Sophomore year wasn’t anything I expected. Although, I didn’t really expect much.

Teachers? Well it was only an odd day. 1st Period, not really sure yet. Because the teacher pretty much has to take care of over 50 kids (Dance class). Which is weird because I’m pretty sure I don’t even have a definition of the word rhythm. But it seemed like the less grueling with my asthma so I hope I survive. 3rd period was geometry, I might not like this teacher. Assigned seats. And guess who was the first person she called on to solve the problem? But it’s good I knew to use distributive property, thank goodness math isn’t my worst subject. 5th period, the teacher seemed very likable. He made a couple of jokes that were funny. And our class had an interesting discussion with him. 7th period. Spanish. The teacher seems nice. But I was more worried that I kind of forgot all my Spanish from last year…. the only thing I knew completely was “Me llamo Rebecca.” Well it’s a good thing that I kept my notes from last year.

Well yeah that was pretty much my day. But I’m kind of sad because our whole county had a time change of 20 minutes. So we go to school 20 minutes earlier than last year and dismissal is 20 minutes later than last year. And I get home at like 2:45. And I don’t get to see my dad because he leaves for work at 2:30 and he comes back at 12:00. So that’s kind of sad because I was getting used to seeing him after school. Getting used to because before high school, during middle school and elementary school I came home at 3:00. So I never really saw him except in the morning and on weekends. Because he’s off on the weekends. But he’s doing it all for us, because my mom doesn’t really work because of her condition and she takes a lot of medicine. But I really just appreciate my parents. Wow this post turned sappy. But if you’re into the sappiness, my brother just had his FIRST DAY OF COLLEGE TODAY. It made me realize that him and I really are growing up. I’m not in middle school anymore, and he’s not in high school .Time is going by quickly.

But anyway, sophomore year is gonna be a roller coaster. I haven’t even had a glimpse of an even day, because even days are tomorrow. Wish me luck. If you read this post, thank you. I just really felt that I was ranting on about my life that’s not really interesting but hey, I love writing.