Poem: The Light Who Radiated My Life

So I always wanted to put this poem on my blog but I… forgot.

But it’s all good since I remembered!

So this poem is the one I read at my grandma’s funeral and it just so happens that it’s an adaptation of a blog post I wrote.

So a little backstory…

During emotional moments or any special moments like birthdays, celebrations, I kinda forget my emotions and how people have made me feel. So when my aunt, the person who organized my grandma’s funeral, asked me to read a poem… all my family thought I was gonna just get a random one from the internet. They were gladly mistaken cause I mean it’s me. But my extended family don’t really know this side of me.

Anyway, when my aunt asked me to write a poem I wasn’t sure if I would put everything I wanted to say in it because my mind was sorta elsewhere that week. So I looked here cause I knew I wrote a post about her in the past and I wanted to build off of that.

So I found the post I was looking for: my Grandma

And I worked on it to make it present tense and yeah I read it at her funeral. I wanted to put that poem here because this is where all my memorable poems are so here it is…

One day while I was sitting with my grandma, I chose to see things I didn’t notice before.

Her eyes. The wrinkles. The eye bags. I wonder how much she has seen. How much pain, how much strife she experienced. How many tears probably streamed onto her cheeks. I thought of her sister, my great-aunt, how much I saw her cry. How much she probably still cries, not just for her but for all the loses she has experienced. How many people she has seen. How many she has met. I wonder how much her eyes have seen. The journeys, the adventure, even a little chaos.

Her hair. How black blends with gray, and over the years gray has taken over. You could notice that strands have already fallen out. Yet, she still takes care of her hair. Putting oil, combing through it, and putting it into two braids. Right and left. Nothing complicated, just two braids. Her curls that she combs through. The curls that are the by-product of my waves. Whenever I would do a certain hairstyle, she always tells me she did that same hairstyle when she was younger. She would always tell me how she thinks my hair is pretty.

Her arms. Her fingers. How they’ve grown wrinkly and somewhat weak. Her fingers are always shaking. Although her fingers seem weak, her arms seem to be strong to me. She does carry a lot. She’s always bringing food for us while carrying two bags. I wonder how many times she’s had to lift herself up. Or has had to lift someone else up. How many times her hands have lifted, praying to the Lord, her best friend.

Her clothes. Her sari. Come to think of it, I can barely think of a time she doesn’t wear a sari. Other than, when she’s cooking or on vacation with us. No matter how old she gets, she can always wrap a sari gracefully without anything falling or looking out of place.

Her smile. I will always admire her for this. No matter what, she always has a smile on her face. Her laugh is so contagious. She never looks mad at me, even when I yell at her. In fact, one day, when I was feeling down, she told me that I should just smile. That happiness is what you need in life for it to be fulfilled. Her words. She really knows what she’s saying. Even though some people might not see it that way. How much passion she has for the things that she loves. When she teaches others about the Bible, her eyes lit up. Her words flowed. She could literally talk about it for hours, and not get bored. That’s what amazes me. She’s so passionate about the things she loves and uses that passion to teach others.

Today this is how I see my grandmother…

Her faith. 33 times. She read the Bible 33 times. She led her life with faith. She made sure to bring God with her into every room, into every step, into every crack of her life. I never saw her question God once. No matter what, in happiness or strife, she would always call out to God. She had so much faith that if she saw us today she wouldn’t understand why our eyes are full of tears because she knew God has something better planned for us and I know she’s ready. She always said “Don’t worry. Just pray to God. Everything will be alright”

Her bravery. She read the verse “Do not fear, for I am with you” 33 times and you could tell she applied it to her life. Fear never even touched her once. Her soul. Her mindset. Her personality. It all showed the image of a courageous human being. She didn’t get anxiety. She could talk to anyone and everyone. She wasn’t afraid of not knowing what life has in store for us. Because she knew, no matter what happened God would be there in the beginning and end.

Her compassion. My grandma never had any hate for anybody. Her heart was full of love and love only. Even if one of us were angry or yelled at her, she wouldn’t hold a grudge. Forgiveness was an ordinary quality for her. She believed we could forgive anyone, no matter what they did. Forgiveness is tricky… But she made it seem so easy.

Herself. What do I say that I haven’t said above? She was the living version of a good soul that God depicts in the Bible. She made me feel safe, worthy of her love, and she made me feel like, even through my darkest moments, I could live a happy life. Because happiness isn’t about what’s happening to you or how life rewards you. Even in her lowest days, my grandma chose to smile and pray. She taught me that happiness is a state of mind. It doesn’t have to come to you one day, you can just have it. She always told me to just smile when I was having a bad day or didn’t want to talk because my smile is beautiful. Now, whenever I smile I can think of her.  

I thought of how much she’s been through and although she only made it to 8th grade, she’s so wise. She has seen things. She has experienced a lot. She has met a lot of people. She has been through a whirlwind of change. She has fought. She has cried. She has questioned. She has just lived.

I love my grandma. And although she might not know it, she is a big role model for me. I just wish that someday my eyes will hold as much experience that I saw in her eyes that day… and as I grow, I hope to have the same faith I saw radiate in her every day.

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you don’t have to be in charge.

Have you ever wanted something you didn’t want?

Ever thought you needed something but it isn’t at all what you needed?

Has it ever felt like you’ve been on both sides of a spectrum and you don’t even know yourself what you want and need?

I want to do this… but then again I don’t because it’s not going to help my situation.

I want this person to be like this but I don’t want them to be like this.

I want life to turn out this way but again I don’t want it that way.

If I’m being honest…

I am an indecisive mess.

I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I need. I don’t know what’s going to make my life happy and better.

Or who is going to do that for me.

But isn’t it a great feeling knowing you don’t have to worry about what’s right or wrong?

What you need and what you don’t?

Because ultimately, I know that I’m not in charge of my life… and it’s comforting knowing that I don’t have to be.

God has me.

He knows what He’s doing.

He knows it all.

He knows what’s going to become of me… of my life.

Who needs to stay in my life… and who needs to leave.

I shouldn’t be overthinking or even sad if someone leaves or if there’s some sort of setback because…

have you heard of that one quote?

“When God closes a door, he opens a window.”

And even if you’re not religious… if you don’t believe in God,

You should know…

This life is bigger than you.

You’re not in charge of it and you don’t have to be.

Never make yourself feel bad for the things you cannot control.

No one is asking you to carry the weight on your shoulders.

Let go of trying to figure everything out at the moment.

Maybe you can’t comprehend everything that’s going to happen… You. Don’t. Have. To.

Just live.

And I know, it’s hard.

This is coming from a girl with Anxiety.

But each day, I’m trying my best to let go of my worries and to just breathe.

Because worrying about all these outcomes honestly, won’t help me or make me feel better.

It just makes everything worse.

I’m not in charge. I don’t have to figure everything out now. I don’t know everything. I still have lots to learn. I don’t need to give up, that’s not my only option. There’s still so much ahead of me.

You should just remember all of that the next time you worry about being on opposite sides of the spectrum; wanting something and not wanting it at the same time, needing something and being unsure whether you need it. Or whenever you’re unsure if someone is meant to stay in your life or not.

Just breathe and let things unfold the way they are meant to unfold.

Life isn’t meant for you to have everything figure out now. Life is for you to learn. Learning doesn’t mean you’re in charge… far from it.

And please…

Don’t let your darkness convince you that you need to have everything figured out. You don’t.

It’s okay to be indecisive and unsure. It only makes us human.

You don’t know who’s going to win a game and how if you’ve only rolled the dice one time.

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a broken girl’s Prayer

Dear God,

I know I haven’t been the best daughter to you.

And even sometimes I find myself forgetting that You’re there for me.

But right now, I really need You.

It’s happened again.

And again I don’t know what to do.

You’re the only one who loves me even in difficult times.

Please help me.

I don’t want this to keep controlling me.

I shouldn’t center so much of my attention on someone who isn’t You.

You deserve all my attention because You never leave.

I never have to doubt You.

I never wonder where You are.

I don’t have to question Your intentions.

But Lord, why isn’t that enough for me?

Why do all these people who hurt me affect me so much?

Why do they affect me to a point where I feel the need to be mad at You?

It’s not Your fault.

So tonight Lord, I am asking you to please fix me.

Fix this sick mentality that I have, that I can control no longer.

Take over this life for me.

Open my eyes to let me see that Your love is and always will be enough.

Help me be grateful for the lessons you have to give and the emotions You need me to feel.

Help me be the person I am intended to be.

I’m holding on Father. Because I know what you have planned for me is bigger than the sadness I feel now.

I shouldn’t be afraid or worry.

I should just trust in You because I know, for a fact, that you won’t let me down.

I love you.

Amen.

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realization

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I want to talk about this picture.

It might just seem like another quote image.

But to me, it’s my life.

This picture saved me from going into another broken hole.

This picture reminded me of why I’m still here.

This picture got me to keep fighting.

This picture prevented me from writing another blog post about my sadness.

This picture brought me hope.

After all of the things that happened today, it’s hard to believe that I actually found reassurance and strength.

I was so close to full-out crying in a public place.

It felt like I couldn’t breathe.

My face felt like it was burning with the desire for the tears to come streaming down.

I had to hold my stomach to keep a sense of sanity, to not cry.

I came home and I cried in bed for an hour listening to sad songs.

Not eating, even though my stomach was grumbling an hour prior.

All of this happened today.

Yet I feel like the person I was at 1:00 in the afternoon,

is a different person right now.

And I guess that that is true.

I’m a different person.

Things can change in a matter of seconds.

I’m a different person right now.

I’m not crying anymore.

I don’t feel the need to.

Because I have hope.

For a greater future.

For happiness.

In God.

Maybe having hope and faith won’t put me down, it’ll only bring me up.

Maybe they’re two of the few things that’ll help me get through this.

They’re the ones who won’t allow me to have room to worry about my future.

All of these bad things happen to try to bring me down,

to try to force me to lose my fight,

to get me to go down a dark path,

to try to get me to rebel against the people I love.

That’s what pain does.

It comes creeping in like a friend,

maybe even like a best friend.

Then you start hanging out with pain and you don’t even realize that your light is getting dimmed.

That’s the worst part.

But I don’t want my light to be dimmed.

I don’t want to stay in my hole of brokenness.

I want my light to shine.

I want to have hope.

Hope is my light.

Faith is the fire that lets the light shine for me.

Faith gives me hope.

finally.

4.28.16

3:30 a.m.

Yelling.

I wake up.

It’s my mom.

She’s suffering again.

I go to see if she woke up my dad.

I open my door and see 2 police officers, just like the old days.

How did I not hear anything until now?

Was my fan that powerful to mask out the voices?

Will she actually get help this time?

Please, she needs help. I don’t want her to suffer anymore.

God knows that I’m not going to be able to fall back asleep.

4:00 a.m.

More yelling.

Doors slamming.

Maybe the officers left?

Does that mean my mom’s not getting help?

Really?

How long until she stops suffering.

More yelling, more yelling.

5:30 a.m.

Did I fall asleep?

Was I able to fall asleep?

Full on yelling.

She’s yelling at someone directly.

She’s having a violent outburst.

Please tell me everyone’s safe.

Please tell me she’s going to get help.

Silence.

My brother’s voice.

My dad’s voice.

Are they safe?

Is my mom okay?

The officers came back.

But I never knew what happened.

I listen as I’m laying in bed, my fan unable to mask the voices this time.

Crying, full on crying.

She doesn’t want to go to the hospital.

But mom, you have to. I don’t want to see you suffer anymore. Please.

I block my ears out.

I pray to God.

I keep praying until I think that the noises stop.

My heart starts palpitating and tears start to  form.

Screaming.

I cry out to God.

I keep covering my ears.

I start singing to God.

So I don’t have to hear any more noise.

I keep singing.

I sing the same chorus over and over again.

“Lord I need You, Oh I need You.”

I keep singing and singing.

Because I don’t want to hear any more.

I’m afraid to stop singing.

I’m afraid to uncover my ears.

5:42 a.m.

I submit.

I uncover my ears.

Silence.

Dead silence.

6:00 a.m.

I’m already on my phone.

I swipe left to the alarm ringing because I’m already awake.

Wide awake.

6:15 a.m.

I come out of my room to head to the bathroom to brush my teeth.

My dad hears me.

Did he get any sleep?

He asks me what time I have to be at school.

7:45 a.m.

All that I think about are the screams and the crying.

I don’t even remember the sound of them.

I just feel it.

It keeps haunting me.

Please, don’t leave me alone. I can’t be stuck in my thoughts right now.

1:15 p.m.

English class.

We’re reading the stories that we wrote in a small group of 4.

One girl in my group reads her story.

She turns her page.

She was facing me so I could she the page that was facing me.

I read that page, because I like reading stories better than listening to them, that way I pay attention and know what’s going on.

I read the page and on it has the word: schizophrenia.

Next to that it said: not guilty about the violence they cause.

I think of this morning.

I think of my mom.

I think of all the times she had one of her bad days and when the monster extremely overtook her well-being.

Call me seeing that page a coincidence.

At this point I don’t believe in coincidences.

3:30 a.m.

I walk into my mom’s room.

The floor is clean.

The sheets are gone.

Is she ok?

3:49 p.m.

My grandma calls.

Is she mad?

Is she trying to get my mom out of the hospital?

She talks to me.

She says my mom is doing better.

That it was a great thing she went to the hospital.

My grandma accepted it!

My mom is finally getting treated.

She doesn’t have to suffer anymore.

She can get help.

It got better.

God answered my long-awaited prayer.

And just like my pastor said this week “Prayers don’t have expiration dates.”

To be able to write this, that she’s getting help, you can’t even imagine my relief.

To go from the first time I talked about my mom’s disorder: Personal

To this.

You can’t even being to imagine how relieved I am.

She’s getting help.

I have faith that she’s going to get better.

She’s not going to suffer anymore.

Finally.

My Easter Poem

This is a post based mainly on my religious beliefs and I know we don’t have the same beliefs. I’m not asking you to believe in anything. I wouldn’t really be biased if you don’t want to read this. I just feel like I should write this post to show my personal gratitude.

The blood that You shed.

It was for your children.

The pain you felt.

Was so you could see us in Heaven

I don’t know what to say

Or how to show my gratitude

You gave your life away

when You could have refused.

But You wanted us to live.

And for that I have nothing but love

To the God above

Thank You for dying to let us live.

And by rising again You restored our hope.

Which You know was something I needed.