you don’t have to be in charge.

Have you ever wanted something you didn’t want?

Ever thought you needed something but it isn’t at all what you needed?

Has it ever felt like you’ve been on both sides of a spectrum and you don’t even know yourself what you want and need?

I want to do this… but then again I don’t because it’s not going to help my situation.

I want this person to be like this but I don’t want them to be like this.

I want life to turn out this way but again I don’t want it that way.

If I’m being honest…

I am an indecisive mess.

I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I need. I don’t know what’s going to make my life happy and better.

Or who is going to do that for me.

But isn’t it a great feeling knowing you don’t have to worry about what’s right or wrong?

What you need and what you don’t?

Because ultimately, I know that I’m not in charge of my life… and it’s comforting knowing that I don’t have to be.

God has me.

He knows what He’s doing.

He knows it all.

He knows what’s going to become of me… of my life.

Who needs to stay in my life… and who needs to leave.

I shouldn’t be overthinking or even sad if someone leaves or if there’s some sort of setback because…

have you heard of that one quote?

“When God closes a door, he opens a window.”

And even if you’re not religious… if you don’t believe in God,

You should know…

This life is bigger than you.

You’re not in charge of it and you don’t have to be.

Never make yourself feel bad for the things you cannot control.

No one is asking you to carry the weight on your shoulders.

Let go of trying to figure everything out at the moment.

Maybe you can’t comprehend everything that’s going to happen… You. Don’t. Have. To.

Just live.

And I know, it’s hard.

This is coming from a girl with Anxiety.

But each day, I’m trying my best to let go of my worries and to just breathe.

Because worrying about all these outcomes honestly, won’t help me or make me feel better.

It just makes everything worse.

I’m not in charge. I don’t have to figure everything out now. I don’t know everything. I still have lots to learn. I don’t need to give up, that’s not my only option. There’s still so much ahead of me.

You should just remember all of that the next time you worry about being on opposite sides of the spectrum; wanting something and not wanting it at the same time, needing something and being unsure whether you need it. Or whenever you’re unsure if someone is meant to stay in your life or not.

Just breathe and let things unfold the way they are meant to unfold.

Life isn’t meant for you to have everything figure out now. Life is for you to learn. Learning doesn’t mean you’re in charge… far from it.

And please…

Don’t let your darkness convince you that you need to have everything figured out. You don’t.

It’s okay to be indecisive and unsure. It only makes us human.

You don’t know who’s going to win a game and how if you’ve only rolled the dice one time.

banner-1176676_960_720

Advertisements

a broken girl’s Prayer

Dear God,

I know I haven’t been the best daughter to you.

And even sometimes I find myself forgetting that You’re there for me.

But right now, I really need You.

It’s happened again.

And again I don’t know what to do.

You’re the only one who loves me even in difficult times.

Please help me.

I don’t want this to keep controlling me.

I shouldn’t center so much of my attention on someone who isn’t You.

You deserve all my attention because You never leave.

I never have to doubt You.

I never wonder where You are.

I don’t have to question Your intentions.

But Lord, why isn’t that enough for me?

Why do all these people who hurt me affect me so much?

Why do they affect me to a point where I feel the need to be mad at You?

It’s not Your fault.

So tonight Lord, I am asking you to please fix me.

Fix this sick mentality that I have, that I can control no longer.

Take over this life for me.

Open my eyes to let me see that Your love is and always will be enough.

Help me be grateful for the lessons you have to give and the emotions You need me to feel.

Help me be the person I am intended to be.

I’m holding on Father. Because I know what you have planned for me is bigger than the sadness I feel now.

I shouldn’t be afraid or worry.

I should just trust in You because I know, for a fact, that you won’t let me down.

I love you.

Amen.

banner-1176676_960_720

realization

CS4c1L9UsAAFQhL

I want to talk about this picture.

It might just seem like another quote image.

But to me, it’s my life.

This picture saved me from going into another broken hole.

This picture reminded me of why I’m still here.

This picture got me to keep fighting.

This picture prevented me from writing another blog post about my sadness.

This picture brought me hope.

After all of the things that happened today, it’s hard to believe that I actually found reassurance and strength.

I was so close to full-out crying in a public place.

It felt like I couldn’t breathe.

My face felt like it was burning with the desire for the tears to come streaming down.

I had to hold my stomach to keep a sense of sanity, to not cry.

I came home and I cried in bed for an hour listening to sad songs.

Not eating, even though my stomach was grumbling an hour prior.

All of this happened today.

Yet I feel like the person I was at 1:00 in the afternoon,

is a different person right now.

And I guess that that is true.

I’m a different person.

Things can change in a matter of seconds.

I’m a different person right now.

I’m not crying anymore.

I don’t feel the need to.

Because I have hope.

For a greater future.

For happiness.

In God.

Maybe having hope and faith won’t put me down, it’ll only bring me up.

Maybe they’re two of the few things that’ll help me get through this.

They’re the ones who won’t allow me to have room to worry about my future.

All of these bad things happen to try to bring me down,

to try to force me to lose my fight,

to get me to go down a dark path,

to try to get me to rebel against the people I love.

That’s what pain does.

It comes creeping in like a friend,

maybe even like a best friend.

Then you start hanging out with pain and you don’t even realize that your light is getting dimmed.

That’s the worst part.

But I don’t want my light to be dimmed.

I don’t want to stay in my hole of brokenness.

I want my light to shine.

I want to have hope.

Hope is my light.

Faith is the fire that lets the light shine for me.

Faith gives me hope.

finally.

4.28.16

3:30 a.m.

Yelling.

I wake up.

It’s my mom.

She’s suffering again.

I go to see if she woke up my dad.

I open my door and see 2 police officers, just like the old days.

How did I not hear anything until now?

Was my fan that powerful to mask out the voices?

Will she actually get help this time?

Please, she needs help. I don’t want her to suffer anymore.

God knows that I’m not going to be able to fall back asleep.

4:00 a.m.

More yelling.

Doors slamming.

Maybe the officers left?

Does that mean my mom’s not getting help?

Really?

How long until she stops suffering.

More yelling, more yelling.

5:30 a.m.

Did I fall asleep?

Was I able to fall asleep?

Full on yelling.

She’s yelling at someone directly.

She’s having a violent outburst.

Please tell me everyone’s safe.

Please tell me she’s going to get help.

Silence.

My brother’s voice.

My dad’s voice.

Are they safe?

Is my mom okay?

The officers came back.

But I never knew what happened.

I listen as I’m laying in bed, my fan unable to mask the voices this time.

Crying, full on crying.

She doesn’t want to go to the hospital.

But mom, you have to. I don’t want to see you suffer anymore. Please.

I block my ears out.

I pray to God.

I keep praying until I think that the noises stop.

My heart starts palpitating and tears start to  form.

Screaming.

I cry out to God.

I keep covering my ears.

I start singing to God.

So I don’t have to hear any more noise.

I keep singing.

I sing the same chorus over and over again.

“Lord I need You, Oh I need You.”

I keep singing and singing.

Because I don’t want to hear any more.

I’m afraid to stop singing.

I’m afraid to uncover my ears.

5:42 a.m.

I submit.

I uncover my ears.

Silence.

Dead silence.

6:00 a.m.

I’m already on my phone.

I swipe left to the alarm ringing because I’m already awake.

Wide awake.

6:15 a.m.

I come out of my room to head to the bathroom to brush my teeth.

My dad hears me.

Did he get any sleep?

He asks me what time I have to be at school.

7:45 a.m.

All that I think about are the screams and the crying.

I don’t even remember the sound of them.

I just feel it.

It keeps haunting me.

Please, don’t leave me alone. I can’t be stuck in my thoughts right now.

1:15 p.m.

English class.

We’re reading the stories that we wrote in a small group of 4.

One girl in my group reads her story.

She turns her page.

She was facing me so I could she the page that was facing me.

I read that page, because I like reading stories better than listening to them, that way I pay attention and know what’s going on.

I read the page and on it has the word: schizophrenia.

Next to that it said: not guilty about the violence they cause.

I think of this morning.

I think of my mom.

I think of all the times she had one of her bad days and when the monster extremely overtook her well-being.

Call me seeing that page a coincidence.

At this point I don’t believe in coincidences.

3:30 a.m.

I walk into my mom’s room.

The floor is clean.

The sheets are gone.

Is she ok?

3:49 p.m.

My grandma calls.

Is she mad?

Is she trying to get my mom out of the hospital?

She talks to me.

She says my mom is doing better.

That it was a great thing she went to the hospital.

My grandma accepted it!

My mom is finally getting treated.

She doesn’t have to suffer anymore.

She can get help.

It got better.

God answered my long-awaited prayer.

And just like my pastor said this week “Prayers don’t have expiration dates.”

To be able to write this, that she’s getting help, you can’t even imagine my relief.

To go from the first time I talked about my mom’s disorder: Personal

To this.

You can’t even being to imagine how relieved I am.

She’s getting help.

I have faith that she’s going to get better.

She’s not going to suffer anymore.

Finally.

My Easter Poem

This is a post based mainly on my religious beliefs and I know we don’t have the same beliefs. I’m not asking you to believe in anything. I wouldn’t really be biased if you don’t want to read this. I just feel like I should write this post to show my personal gratitude.

The blood that You shed.

It was for your children.

The pain you felt.

Was so you could see us in Heaven

I don’t know what to say

Or how to show my gratitude

You gave your life away

when You could have refused.

But You wanted us to live.

And for that I have nothing but love

To the God above

Thank You for dying to let us live.

And by rising again You restored our hope.

Which You know was something I needed.

Short Sentences #6 (Faith)

Faith is the banishment of doubt.

Faith is complete confidence or trust in something or someone.

It’s really nice to know you can have faith.

Living in a world like this, it’s nice to have faith.

I have faith in You and I know You will never let me down.

Thank you Father.

Faith doesn’t destroy you.

It makes you stronger.

Whoever or whatever you have faith in.

Faith will make you stronger.