Maybe I should lecture people on how to make extravagant “I’m back” posts. Since I seem to make them a lot.
Hi, if you don’t remember me, I’m Rebecca aka hopelesslystrong.
Let’s see the last time I wrote a post was… October. 4 months ago.
Well, since then… Yes, I’m still in college.
Haven’t let yet. (I’m just kidding about the yet)
I’m in my second semester.
It’s 2019, guys.
I turned 19 in December.
And both of those are still hard to believe.
You know, when I started this year, I didn’t start “anew.”
Honestly, it felt kinda dumb to me to start “anew” because it didn’t really feel like anything was really changing for me. It was just another day as the new year came along.
I was done trying to be that person who had all these resolutions and this “New year, new me” mantra. Maybe it works for you. But I didn’t want to fool myself.
Last year, at this time, I definitely HAD to start new because a certain situation in my life forced me to. And that situation definitely helped me grow into a beautiful me.
But what about this year?
What’s going to happen?
Honestly, I’m not in a great place.
Maybe that’s why I came back.
Usually, I call my bad place my “hole of darkness.”
And I’ve been here for about 6 days, which is a long time for me.
It’s like, every day this past week there was something to bring me down. Nothing was really helping, not like I was looking for things to help me. I just sort of “expected” life to be like “Hey, let’s give her a break.”
But of course, that didn’t happen.
I was lost. I am lost.
I’ve been shaky with my faith for the past week.
And it did make me feel very alone. Because I blamed someone I believed in and I didn’t believe in them for a second. And it’s hard to un-believe for a second when your belief is all around your life.
I’ve been reckless this week.
Because I disregarded my belief in the hope that life would throw me a curveball.
What was I thinking?
I’m still unsure about a lot.
But I’m hoping that I’ll continue to use my blog as a way to channel these feelings because I really do miss writing. Without making blog posts every week, it’s like I don’t have the inspiration to write anything unless it’s an essay or for a scholarship. And I hate that. Because at that point, I’m forcing it out of me, and that’s probably why I get B’s and don’t get accepted into said scholarships. Because it’s missing the passion I used to have for this. And I want to try again.
I want to take that step to feel better about myself and my life.
Because when I started this blog during my sophomore year of high school, I used it as a way to finally have a voice and to be seen. I did and I was. But most importantly, I used it because I was lost and broken.
I don’t want to be that anymore.
So, be patient with me.
Hopefully, this isn’t like every infamous “I’m back” post I make and I actually am back.
But as of right now…
2019 is the year I take everything step by step.
I can’t see the future right now.
But I’m not skipping steps cause it’s not who I am. (I don’t understand people who can take 2 steps at a time like how)
Hopefully, you’ll join me on my journey and I’ll be there for yours too!