I’m Too Scared to Talk About This

So… sorry.

I really have been busy.

I’m still trying to figure out my life schedule.

Honestly, my sleeping is a big question mark.

Today, I didn’t have class but I took a nap for 2 hours even though I wasn’t really planning to or even really tired?

So bear with me as I try to figure out how blogging fits into my weird schedule.

So after two weeks, why not dive into the deep?

And by deep, I mean deep. So stay cautious.

I just thought about this a couple of minutes ago but what if one of my friends were to give up?

What if it was the last text, word, I love you… etc?

And I know this is unnecessarily dark but it’s the reality of life at the same time.

It’s the stigmatization that scares us so we never really talk about it.

But I don’t know one of these days, what if that friend who needs our help isn’t just going through a bad page in their book?

I mean I know one of my friends who lost one of her friends to suicide and I never really grasped the subject until now.

So context?

One of my friends, I gave her the name Aikra in the past, on my blog.

Aikra called me yesterday at 2 A.M.

So I asked why she called and she told me she was going through some stuff so I told her to call me after school.

She never called but we texted some.

Then she was supposed to call today and I saw that she posted somewhere that someone needed to drive to her so she doesn’t do something risky.

At this point, I got scared.

I texted her “Are you okay?”

At this point, I wasn’t scared.

Then she said “Yeah I”m fine thanks bby”

But after that text, she sends “Ily”

It’s not weird for her not to spell out I love you, she rarely does. It kinda scared me that she said I love you.

Because isn’t it a pattern for people who are about to do something bad they randomly declare statements of affection to those they love?

So that “Ily” scared me.

Because for the first time I realized, it could happen.

And it literally made my heart sink at just the thought of losing anybody I loved and not being able to be there or they felt like I wasn’t there.

I remember in middle school, maybe. One of my best friends showed a lot of signs of depression. She doesn’t talk about her feelings much or really anything until I or someone else pushes. She’s the type of person to use a safety pin or something to make marks on her wrist (Which she did do once).

She scares me a lot.

Because she gets in her head a lot. Like me, but to a deeper extent. A scarier extent.

So one day I just sat on my floor and prayed to God that she won’t make the decision to take her life. I still need her.

And that moments was years ago.

She’s still here, thank God.

But life is just so precious.

It only takes a second, a millisecond, for things to happen.

Things happen without your control.

Things happen without your say.

And as someone who’s thought about “How would other people feel if I wasn’t here?” numerous times it scares me.

Because what/who scars us, hurts us, throws us, deletes us, bruises us so much we believe the only way out is to ultimately… to be gone?

This is a subject I’m still learning every day about, so I’m going to tread lightly.

But I’m glad I didn’t listen to those wavering thoughts. I’m glad I just cried myself to sleep. I’m glad I just prayed to God.

Some moments, I’m not so glad. I’m not happy about where my path leads. I’m scared of SO MUCH.

But in the end, I’m happy I made it this far.

I am.

And I would feel so broken if someone I love wasn’t happy.

If they thought the only way out was to give up.

I never want to have that feeling again, but I know sometimes I have to drop everything I’m doing to listen to someone who needs me.

And I have no complaints about that.

»Music Friday«

Since I’m slowly starting to revert back to my blog, why not start doing Music Friday’s again. So Music Friday is just when I would share what music I’ve been obsessed with this week.

  • Let Me Down Slowly – Alec Benjamin ft. Alessia Cara

  • All of the Love in the World – Lily Kershaw

 

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Foreshadowing and Signs

You know in English class when your teacher talked about foreshadowing?

Predicting the future because of something mentioned earlier in the story.

So since foreshadowing exists in books, can it exist in life?

Have you ever foreshadowed your life?

Can’t remember?

Let me ask a similar question with different wording.

Have you ever believed in signs?

And I’m not talking about the signs on the road that tell you to stop and slow down.

I’m talking about the signs that you “see” in the universe.

For example, some signs are when you like someone. You try to pick out every detail that might lead to a possibility that you guys will end up together.

That’s a sign.

And it’s also you trying to foreshadow your own life.

Now I think I’ve pretty much done the sign method (can I call it a method? Eh who cares, I’m trying to make a point lol) with every guy I’ve had a crush on. And I’ve done the sign method with every friend I get to know better.

Because I wanna know if a friendship will last or not, through looking at signs (foreshadowing).

And maybe you use this method for your whole future. You know “I did this one bad thing earlier so I’m afraid the world will treat me badly.” I guess its sorta like karma in a way except more complicated.

You try to see signs that lead to a bright future.

And if you’re religious, like me, you might even ask God for a sign that this is all worth it in the end.

But here’s what I’ve learned about signs…

See, the last time I liked someone there were so many signs that a possible future was near that even some of my friends saw it.

And then, out of nowhere, it was like a sign that said go actually got misread and meant stop.

So stop.

Stop reading and looking for signs.

Signs mean absolutely nothing.

Signs just mean you’re looking for a way for the universe to give you comfort when the other person should give you comfort.

And if you’re not looking for signs in a person but rather a situation, like your future… then stop trying to read signs and instead accelerate.

Go, make your future.

Stop trying to see if this way is giving you good vibes or not.

Take a chance and risk it.

And if it doesn’t work out, it’s ok.

That’s the beauty of a story.

And ending it when it’s about to get good is like reading an addicting book and just stopping in the middle.

Not knowing how it ends.

So stop trying to read signs because honestly no sign will ever tell you of the future.

If most of the signs I’ve seen in the past were anywhere near remotely right, I might have my own tv show or become a fortune teller.

But I’m not.

Reading signs gets you nowhere.

You think you might have a person or a situation all figured out.

But just when you think you do, life is like “Nope, you thought.”

I thought I knew that a person would never let me down. But sometimes that happens and you have to let a toxic person out of your life when you least expect it.

And that’s just that. That’s life. And we have to learn how to live knowing we can’t control our futures or see into the future.

We can’t foreshadow our lives.

So stop trying to.

Stop trying to read signs.

The only sign that should be consuming your mind is the one telling you to take one step closer to your future.

Wherever that leads.

But honestly not knowing something isn’t as bad as thinking you know it and having the rug pulled out from under you at the last minute.

Its ok if you don’t know what’s gonna happen at the end of your story.

Personally, I like when I know or at least can guess what’s going to happen at the end of a movie or t.v. show. But it’s also okay not to know.

I think its better when you don’t know because it makes for a better surprise.

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you are enough. and you don’t need a signifcant other to prove that.

As a quiet, observant teenager I notice a lot of things.

I see stories, I see people, I see things no one else sees.

But there’s one specific thing I’ve seen that really bothers the hell out of me.

And that specific thing, I’ve seen in the actions of my own generation, in kids of my own age… in me.

Teenagers have built a toxic mentality when it comes to having or falling for a significant other. 

I’ve seen it in television, in my friends, and as I said before, in me.

You see, when I was falling for Phoenix I did things I’m not proud of: I put him in the forefront of my mind. 

The only texts I cared about was his.

The only smile I cared to see was his.

The only person I wanted to hug was him.

There was even a time when I used to pick my friend up after her first period last year and half of the reason why I wanted to was because he was in her class (half, I still wanted to see my friend… but that doesn’t justify my mentality).

But it’s not only me who does this.

In the past week only, I’ve seen my friends do it too.

My best friend, Luna, has liked her crush for 3 years. She’s a very closed off person and is very unemotional. So it’s hard to talk to her about things or have her talk about her feelings.

I don’t like her crush. He’s not good for her. And her mentality is truly toxic. She’s the type of person that, if she were to fall in love, she would love the guy 100%. And she would love him and not love herself, the only way she could love herself was if he loved her for herself… if that makes sense. And it pisses me off because she deserves so much more than a guy. But a guy and loving a guy is the only thing on her mind.

The only thing on our, teenagers, minds.

So I showed her something that hurt and she was unemotional about it. I asked her why she doesn’t care and she told me she’s pretty much unemotional about things… unless it involves her family or him. Him. Basically, she said she doesn’t care about anything unless it involves this guy. That made me mad.

Not only at her, but for her. Because her mentality is so focused on a guy that she doesn’t even realize the toxicity of it.

But I can’t be mad at her because I used to be her.

I mean Phoenix wasn’t the only thing that made me emotional over the past year, but whether I talked to him or not it determined my mood for the day sometimes.

And I couldn’t control it.

And another example, one of the many things Luna cares about it how fast her crush replies to her text. This week, he took 4 days to reply to a text of hers. That was pretty much one of the only things on her mind.

When she told me that (through text), I didn’t reply to her text.

Because of a text? Really? It’s only been 4 days. As long as you know he’s going to reply it’s all good. At least be thankful you know he’s going to reply.

She, again, pissed me off.

Why? Because she puts all of her efforts into pleasing this guy? Yes. But also I can see pieces of the girl I used to be in her. The pieces of a girl who was falling headfirst before thinking about herself; pieces of a girl before heartbreak, pieces of a girl who put a guy at the forefront of everything in her life.

And it scares me. Because I honestly can’t do anything for her. She knows what happened with Phoenix: all the heartbreak, overthinking, and tears. I even told her before that I don’t want her to feel the way I felt over Phoenix. But it won’t change her mentality. Because this guy is “all she has.” There’s no one falling for her. So she falls for the only person she can fall for in her life.

And I haven’t only seen this in Luna, but my other friends.

This week at lunch, one of my friends said that she wants a boyfriend. Because she wants someone to hold her, give her cute hugs and all that. Make her happy. My other friend, Hydra, agreed with her.

Why?

I don’t understand it. I mean, I do, I’ve lived through it. But why are we like this?

When my friend said she wanted hugs and happiness I thought, “Don’t we,  your friends, give that to you? Isn’t that enough?”

Isn’t it enough? Isn’t the love of friends and the love of yourself enough?

Why isn’t it enough? Why doesn’t it feel like it’s enough?

Why is it that as teenagers we always chase after someone? I know for a fact one of the reasons I wanted Phoenix so much was because I just wanted cute hugs and hand-holding. But can’t my friends give that to me?

Actually… my friends do give that to me. But the difference is, when they hug me I ACTUALLY feel safe and loved, something Phoenix has never made me feel. Because, as much as I can force myself to believe something that’s not true… at the end of the day, I can’t force him to care about me as much as I care about him.

And I’m learning to accept that.

I know. Most of my friends would yell at me for not trying harder with him because maybe if I tried a little harder he would be my boyfriend. I’m in a place with him that my friends would love to be in.

A crush who actually knows your name, your personality, and knows you for who you are.

But I don’t want more… anymore.

I don’t want to force something that isn’t there.

I’m not in a place where a boyfriend would be a good choice.

I’ve never been in a relationship. Personally, it scares me. And I don’t think jumping into one is the best choice. Especially if I am “right there.”

I want to love myself before being given the opportunity to love someone else. Because maybe if I told Phoenix sooner, we would be in a relationship and I would’ve eventually fallen in love with him. But it wouldn’t have been right, to him or me.

Because there are times when I still can’t look in a mirror and moments where I find it hard to love myself.

And that’s the problem.

Society has toxified our minds.

Making us think that the only way we can love ourselves and feel “complete” is if we had someone else, a significant other, to do it for us.

But how do you expect to love someone if you can’t even love yourself?

And what would you do with yourself if that person suddenly didn’t love you anymore? Would you suddenly not love yourself anymore? Because you weren’t enough?

What is it with us and thinking we aren’t enough?

We. Are. So. Enough. It’s. Actually. Inexplainable. How. Enough. We. Are.

Yes, having a significant other to hold and be happy with would be nice… but it shouldn’t be because we feel empty inside.

It should be because we feel whole and okay that we want to share that wholeness with someone else.

It shouldn’t be because we need to be saved.

Because that person’s purpose isn’t gonna be to save you. Only you can save yourself.

Our friends, family, ourselves… that’s enough.

Just because the person you really want to talk to isn’t talking to you doesn’t mean you should treat the actual people who love you like crap.

There are some incredible people that are here for you.

Don’t take them for granted just because that one boy or girl doesn’t like you.

We have our whole lives to live and to fall in love.

Do you really wanna think back and only remember the days that went by hoping some irrelevant crush texted you or not?

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the fortune cookie without a fortune

So I had a really good day hanging out with my dad and a bunch of uncles and aunts. We went to this restaurant and at the end of it they gave us fortune cookies.

I don’t really “believe” the fortune in fortune cookies but it’s funny to see what that little cookie can hold.

All my family members opened their cookies, read their fortunes, and laughed together.

Then my aunt told me to open mine.

I don’t believe in fortune cookies but I needed some sort of a life boost. I have no idea where my path leads nowadays… I kind of hoped that whatever was in that cookie could at least try to give me a little coincidental hope of what’s to come. I don’t believe in them but I do believe in little coincidences and signs- and that fortune cookie could possibly be a coincidental sign.

But I wouldn’t hope too much on that fortune cookie.

So I opened the wrapper and… there was no fortune.

My aunts thought I was playing a trick and hiding the fortune lol, but after many attempts of saying “Nooo I’m serious I really didn’t get one”

One of my aunts then proceeded to be my own personal fortune cookie.

She said that my future/fortune depends on me, that’s why I didn’t get a fortune.

And I think that’s more of a trippy, coincidental sign than anything.

I really needed “that” fortune.

I honestly don’t know where my future leads. I was going to base a little bit of it on a mere fortune cookie. And I didn’t even get a fortune in the cookie… Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not.

Either way, it is very trippy.

And it has me thinking about a lot of things.

I just hope I’m on the right path to be my own fortune cookie.

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A Little Hope in Humanity

It’s really hard to have hope or faith in humanity.

So when I saw a recommended YouTube video with the title, “This Girl Was Getting Bullied. How These People Reacted Will Amaze You” I got scared.

I legitimately got scared.

I was scared that people would just ignore the girl getting bullied, that thought terrified me.

I don’t really have a lot of faith in humanity, but watching things like this just make me really happy, and I thought that I should just share the video because it’s really important.

It’s really important that we don’t lose all our hope in humanity.

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You DON’T Need Affirmation to Feel Proud of Yourself

Sometimes, as punishment, teachers tell their students who have disobeyed to write a single phrase over and over and over again. Like “I was wrong” or “I will not interrupt during class again.” The point of this was that the disobedient student will get so tired of writing the same phrase over and over again it will get so annoying and physically excruciating they won’t do the bad thing they did again.

In a similar way, I want to tell you a phrase that should be burned into your brain, not because you did something bad or good. You just NEED to hear this:

We don’t need affirmation from people to feel proud of ourselves or of our accomplishments.

Yep bold and underlined, that’s how you know it’s really really important.

I always look for affirmation in others which just lead me to getting hurt because I expected too much.

The other day, my friend and I were doing this separate art thing where we drew anything that we wanted. My friend is known for having the art bone infused in her body, while I definitely do not. So I wanted to draw a girl crying, and I tried so hard. Not to sound cocky or egotistical, but I thought that my eye and the teardrops were actually pretty good. So when I asked my friend, “Does this look good?” She just nodded her head seemingly uninterested, “Yeah it looks fine.” And this made my opinion of it go from “Wow it actually looks pretty good” to “Is it that bad?” Then 10 minutes later she asked me how a drawing of her hand was, she looked for affirmation in me. Could I give it to her?

But why is it that when we feel good about something we need to look for our opinion in others? Why isn’t our own opinion enough?

Well there are a lot of answers to that.

But we’re not focusing on that, we’re focusing on the fact that we never feel good enough about our self or our accomplishments.

We always search for verification of:”Is it good enough?” “Did YOU like it?”

Why does it matter so much to us what they think?

No, of course it’s not bad to ask for other’s opinions of your work, but you shouldn’t depend so much on THEIR opinion that it becomes YOUR opinion.

If you were proud of it at first, YOU SHOULD STAY proud of it. No matter what they said.

What matters is your opinion.

What if we took this in the other direction. Instead of seeking favor of our accomplishments, what about favor of ourselves?

What if you think that you looked pretty today? You look in the mirror and you smile and you compliment yourself and you’re happy, then you exit the house and hope that people will notice your beauty.

What if no one does?

Will you suddenly think that you don’t actually look all that pretty?

Please don’t base your opinions on other people’s opinions. There’s a reason we have opinions, to hold different view and beliefs from other people.

I know it’s hard, it’s hard for me too. That’s why I have to keep repeatedly say it over in my head:

We don’t need affirmation from people to feel proud of ourselves or of our accomplishments.

We don’t need affirmation from people to feel proud of ourselves or of our accomplishments.

We don’t need affirmation from people to feel proud of ourselves or of our accomplishments.

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