the Truth.

If you’re asking me to admit the truth;

Yes, your smile literally glued some of the broken pieces of my heart together and brought sun to the dark places of my heart.

Yes, your laugh was like my favorite song on repeat and if i was the one to make you do that? i wish i could do that for a long time.

Yes, i would’ve rested my head on your shoulder for a lifetime if it meant i got to be this close to you in the safety of your presence.

Yes, i would’ve spent so much time with you because it meant i got to see your face and talk to you for countless hours.

Yes, i would’ve let you go on and on about soccer because i know it’s your one true love and the way you talk about your one true passion leaves me in awe.

Yes, your actions always had me overthinking and were on a constant loop in my head.

Yes, your smell was one that welcomed all my senses that if someone were to spray the cologne you wear all i would think about would be you and how close we were to each other.

Yes, your sense of humor made me feel special that i hoped you never talked about “vampires and werewolves” (amongst other things) to anyone else as goofily as you talked about them to me.

Yes, you noticing me has to be one of the best feelings on the planet and i just wish i knew what you thought once you would see me.

Yes, i would’ve talked to you for hours because talking to you was unlike talking to someone else. i never found myself getting tired of your stories.

Yes, the way you held me had my heart beating in a way it’s never beat before… it scared me how you made it feel. i wonder at such a close proximity if you could hear it too?

Yes, your touch affected me in a way it was if my heart stopped and what was always seen as impossible became possible for a second.

Yes, our hang outs made me believe in a content future where just being in the moment with you would feel like enough for me.

Yes, i wanted to stay on the phone with you for countless hours either lending your ear for a story or listening to you talk for hours about your day.

Yes, i would’ve looked at you for days on end waiting for you to look back and flash your perfect smile.

Yes, i would’ve kept a constant eye connection with you but the way you looked at me… it was too much and it scared me so i had to turn away after a while.

Yes, whenever i saw you face to face and talked to you in person at school i would always come home with butterflies in my stomach and a non-erasable smile on my face.

Yes, your words left marks on my heart and every sweet and funny thing you’ve said to me— i can always think about it and it never ceases to make me smile. Even if i was mad at you.

Yes, whenever you would say something only read about in books my heart swelled and i got a little bit of hope that you felt the same way.

Yes, i used to daydream about you and us being happy together like any other sappy high school couple.

Yes, the thought of “us” (if an us ever existed) scared me but if you ever felt the same way about me? …i wouldn’t know what to do.

But this is probably the way you make her feel too.

and i was nothing to you.

so i fade away. with these memories as chains.

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a broken girl’s Prayer

Dear God,

I know I haven’t been the best daughter to you.

And even sometimes I find myself forgetting that You’re there for me.

But right now, I really need You.

It’s happened again.

And again I don’t know what to do.

You’re the only one who loves me even in difficult times.

Please help me.

I don’t want this to keep controlling me.

I shouldn’t center so much of my attention on someone who isn’t You.

You deserve all my attention because You never leave.

I never have to doubt You.

I never wonder where You are.

I don’t have to question Your intentions.

But Lord, why isn’t that enough for me?

Why do all these people who hurt me affect me so much?

Why do they affect me to a point where I feel the need to be mad at You?

It’s not Your fault.

So tonight Lord, I am asking you to please fix me.

Fix this sick mentality that I have, that I can control no longer.

Take over this life for me.

Open my eyes to let me see that Your love is and always will be enough.

Help me be grateful for the lessons you have to give and the emotions You need me to feel.

Help me be the person I am intended to be.

I’m holding on Father. Because I know what you have planned for me is bigger than the sadness I feel now.

I shouldn’t be afraid or worry.

I should just trust in You because I know, for a fact, that you won’t let me down.

I love you.

Amen.

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that time my favorite band dropped a single that described my current situation

… and it’s freaking me out so much, but in a good way… in a very good way.

So something that has kept me holding on and has kept me happy is the date August 25th because that’s the day my favorite band, Fifth Harmony, is coming out with their album! And today they dropped a song out of nowhere.

It’s like they know me on another level… lol I’m kidding. But coincidence? The day before I took the SAT, they dropped their single. After having shitty feelings for a week, they drop a song on their album. I’d like to think it’s all written in the stars lol.

But when I heard this song, “Angel” it was weird because it took one replay to get all the lyrics and then another one (after the shock of the song) to connect it with my life. Because this song literally speaks out my feelings.

Has that ever happened with you? I know a lot of songs have done that to me and I love that feeling. But this song, it came when I needed it the most.

It says exactly how I feel about Phoenix and that whole situation. After almost a full week of knowing the truth about him and how he feels, this song came out just describing everything I want to say to him . I thought about telling someone because the personal connection literally shocked me… so where better to tell it than my blog?

So here’s the song (but it is explicit, just a warning in case you don’t want to hear that). I’m gonna connect my feelings with the lyrics now.

(The bold lyrics are the ones I can connect with, the italicized ones are just the general lyrics that I can’t connect to- but that doesn’t disregard my feelings to the song) *Slyly switches from first person to second person perspective*

  • Who said I was an angel?
    Who said I was an angel? Oh, yeah

    • I didn’t really connect these lyrics when I first heard the song or even when I saw the song title because why would the simple word “Angel” remind me of you? But then I remembered you used to call me that or some variation of that. I don’t know why, but you used to call me “Angelic legs” (Don’t ask, I DON’T EVEN KNOW lol) and then when I told you I could sing you called me “Angelic voice.” Then on our second hang out, I asked you what excuse you would tell your friends for being late to soccer practice and you said that an angel kidnapped you. It’s weird thinking of it now, I never thought much of your nicknames. But now thinking about it, what made you call me that? I’m far from an angel. Who called me an angel? Oh yeah, you did. But you were wrong. Now that you played me wrong, you’re gonna be proven wrong.
  • We were just a moment, nothing serious
    Never really paid it any mind
    Drop the back side and paying attention

    • This was your perspective of what we were, right? You barely paid attention. Because if you did notice, all you did would be to hurt me… but I always forgave you because of what I felt. But I can’t do that anymore. Because if you’re not gonna give a second thought about me I can’t give one about you anymore.
  • Should’ve never not kept your word
    Woulda had a reason to keep mine
    You was too inconsistent

    • I would’ve kept my word. I would’ve followed through with everything I’ve told you… I would’ve if you hadn’t lied about everything you’ve told me. You never kept your word. Not when it came to big out-of-this-world promises, which is understandable. But when it came to small things like when you were going to text me back or when we were gonna hang out, you always left me hanging like a lost kid wondering what I did wrong. You were inconsistent. I kept giving you chances and you showed me so many sides of you that confused me as to who you actually were. If you were gonna be sweet or a full jerk. And you were never one side for too long. I didn’t know what the lie was and what the truth was.
  • Should’ve never crossed that line with ya
    • I shouldn’t have. I went into unknown territory thinking that this would make my heart happy. But looking back, I should’ve just stayed where I was.

Everything cool, just drinkin’ with ya

  • Way too young to be up in handcuffs
    Wasn’t tryna spend my life on the phone with ya

    • It felt like I wasted my junior year being controlled by my feelings for you. I wasted so much time when I could’ve been having fun with my friends. I don’t want to be in handcuffs. Then there was this one time you called me back after I called you to ask how much the bus was after our second hang out. I remember as you talked to me I just wanted to stay on the phone longer with you. But you just wanted to know why I called and hung up (not rudely, I mean you said your regular “Be safe” bs) and it felt like we were on the phone for a long time but it was just one minute. If given, I would’ve talked to you on the phone for hours. After I took the SAT, I called you and we had a short conversation, I guess it would’ve been longer if I gave you details about the test and how I felt. But there was this feeling that I was bothering you so I gave you short answers. Maybe there’s a reason I never got my wish of spending “my life” on the phone with you. Because right now, if I hear your voice I might just break. Good thing I deleted your number off my phone.
  • Gotta keep it all 100 with ya
    The original me wouldn’t’ fuck with ya
    And I was beginning to fuck with ya

    • This is oddly and coincidentally true. Back in freshman year when we were friends, you kinda creeped me out and when the teacher moved our seats you never talked to me again and vice versa. Back then, I didn’t really want to keep ties because I never knew what your intentions were. And now, when I was beginning to be more open with you and warm up my feelings, you pull the rug out from under me. Two years later, and I still don’t know what your intentions are. I should’ve kept the mindset of you that my freshman year self had (no matter how extra and over dramatic she was).

Who said I was an angel?
Who said I was an angel? Oh, yeah

  • When you look at me, what do you see?
    Open your eyes, I’m more brilliant than you’ll ever be

    • What do you see when you look at me? I still don’t know. I don’t know what you saw when you played with me and stared at me for mintues trying to “read my soul.” You never told me what you saw. But I know, I’m more than you’ll ever be. I won’t ever play someone like you play/played me.

Who said I was an angel?

  • Yeah won’t lie, say I don’t lie
    Yeah, I might’ve told a few lies, yeah
    Won’t lie, say I didn’t try
    But you’re only worth a few tries, yeah

    • I did lie sometimes to you, but only when it involved my true feelings. I could never tell you the truth about how I felt because I didn’t want to freak you out. And I tried. Through my feelings, I tried so hard to be your friend. But you hardly tried. I tried to the best of my effort to be a good friend to you but I can’t keep ruining myself for this friendship. You aren’t worth so many tries that it kills me inside. Where was your effort?
  • Track star, say that you’re running these streets
    You ain’t the only one running these streets
    They’re making grounds like I only wear cleats, yeah

    • Your ego never hid itself. But it never ruined whatever we had because, in the past, your ego could never come close to how sweet you were to me. So the ego was outbalanced by the sweetness. But with time, the sweetness went away and the way you cared about me changed. You always had this mentality of “I’m stronger than you and I know it. You can’t hurt my feeling no matter how hard you try.” You thought you were the one in charge of this game. And for a while, I let you take control but now it’s time to show you that you’re not the only one “running these streets.”

Should’ve never cross that line with ya
Everything cool, just drinkin’ with ya
Way too young to be up in handcuffs
Tryna spend my life on the phone with ya
Gotta keep it all 100 with ya
The original me wouldn’t fuck with ya
And I was beginning to fuck with ya

  • Who said I was an angel? (But you was wrong, oh, yeah)
    • You were wrong about who I was. But I’m not surprised because you never put in that much time to correct yourself and find out who I really am. The fact that you said “I think I know you well enough to know when you’re lying or not” still pisses me off. Because no, you don’t know me that well. And you don’t get to be egotistical enough to think that because you know if I said those exact words to you, you would mock me.
  • Who said I was an angel? (Oh, I’m no angel, when you look at me)
    • The next time you’ll see me, I won’t be that angel anymore. I can’t be. I won’t put on a mask for the sake of whatever we had. You hurt me, I’m not gonna belittle my pain because of the way I feel anymore.

When you look at me, what do you see? (What do you see?)
Open your eyes, I’m more brilliant than you’ll ever be
Who said I was an angel? (Who said I was, an angel?)

  • Who said I was an angel?
    (Who said I was an angel? Didn’t know the real me, I’m far from an angel)

    • Even though you wanted to know the real me and you got some pieces of her, you never got her. Because if you did know the real me, you would know you were hurting me and giving me the worst anxiety. You would know that I”m not this girl with her feelings in check and everything going perfectly for her.
  • Who said I was an angel? Oh, yeah (Never took the time out, never had time to figure me out. When you look at me)
    • Like I said before, you never took the time out. If you put in even a little time to care… would that have been so hard? But apparently, it was. You didn’t have time to figure me out. Even though you have this “perception” of me figured out. You think you know me but you’re just making assumptions thinking I’m an angel. Maybe that’s why you keep thinking the way you treat me is okay… since I’m an “angel” I’ll forgive your behavior, right? And you blamed never taking the time out on your tendency to lose focus. I understand that— but when it comes to how crappy you treated me, it’s hard to think it’s all because of that.

When you look at me, what do you see? What do you see?
Open your eyes, I’m more brilliant than you’ll ever be
Who said I was an angel? (Who said I was an angel? Oh)

That’s one of my favorite songs now. I connected thoughts and feelings I didn’t even know were there but yeah… I was just feeling all that so it all just came out. I might do this as a thing now because honestly, it was amazing getting everything out there. I forgot how that felt. And I literally just thought of a name for it, “Lyric Connection Reflection” It’s a mouthful but I really like it.

But tell me your thoughts, did you like the song? How do you feel about songs that seem to just speak from your heart? Any suggestions?

And some advice to leave you with: Connect your heart and feelings to music instead of sadness. It’ll make you feel so so so much better. Whenever I get a little tug on my heart I listen to music because I know it’ll be able to express my feelings in a way overthinking never can.

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to start over.

“no person wants to start over with a new person. telling secrets, giving their body away. falling all over again. its too much..”

via @changes on twitter

This twitter post literally came the very day I needed it. Coincidence? I really don’t know.

But do you know what it’s like?

Let’s go back. If you’re interested in a little history step inside the rollercoaster ride.

Eighth grade. I like this guy in my class. And this is the first time I’ve liked someone for their personality, and not just solely on looks. He was funny, we had banter, and he said cute things sometimes, I guess. He did things my little middle school heart never experienced before… like he hugged me. Yep. Hugged me. Many other things happened and I had a little hope that he liked me. But he didn’t.

And so when it was time for us to go our separate ways into high school, I found myself missing him. Long story, short (because this story was on my blog before “Over”) I tried to get over him and it took two years. He was completely toxic for my heart. I always thought he was genuine and missed me too, but no.

One of my best friends told me that I would meet someone better, someone who deserved my heart… then “Phoenix” showed up. And I thought maybe this is my second chance.

Remember Phoenix? The guy I thought was perfect for my heart? The guy I thought would never hurt me? I thought he would be someone worth falling for.

So I fell.

It’s been months. Maybe even close to a year?

And honestly, when I fell I didn’t expect to be this close to him. To have his number, to have his snapchat, to have hung out with him. None of that was expected when I started to fall. But it happened. And it made the falling even worse.

But the falling was okay. Because Phoenix seemed sooooo much better than my eighth-grade crush, let’s call him “Over.”

So I started over with Phoenix. I fell. Again. But it was okay because he was genuine and sweet and honest and real. Right?

Phoenix did things that no guy has ever done. He asked me if I had depression, he sensed that himself, and then he figured out that I had anxiety and he asked me about it. And he told me that he would be there to talk if I ever needed it. He suspected something was wrong and something happened in my life just because of a “weird-sounding” text. And we texted each other in paragraphs and he never seemed to mind.

But then, things changed.

And he just turned out to be like the 7.0 version of Over. But it was deeper this time. It was much deeper.

I told Phoenix things I haven’t even told my best friend. I told him my fears, my secrets, I gave him a piece of myself. I got to know him, or at least who he wanted to seem like in front of me. I built a relationship with him. And for what?

For it to just go to waste?

We’re not on good terms right now. This isn’t like some petty fight… this might be the end of the Phoenix chapter. And honestly? I thought it would last way longer. But he turned out to be just as dishonest as Over.

Both of them were just full of talk and their actions came from their ego instead of their heart.

So here I am. After falling deeper for the second time.

I thought I would be in a better place. I thought it would be worth it. I thought it would at least feel better than this.

But falling for the second time is, even more, worse than the first time.

Ater the first time, I was cautious. I didn’t want to let my heart out of its chains again. But when a guy does the sweet things that Phoenix did you get vulnerable and you trust. And you fall before you can stop yourself.

I never really believed my best friend when she said I would find a guy who would treat me so much better. It didn’t really feel like that would actually happen because it’s me and my life. But then he came in and gave me a little hope that genuine guys existed and there might be a chance I could get over “Over.”

He gave me hope after my first fall.

But the second fall, like I said, didn’t turn out great. Not at the beginning, not in the middle, not in the end.

Even though there were great things that happened during this fall… something was there to always make me feel like crap: another girl, he hurt me unintentionally or intentionally, my anxiety, etc.

And you know? I tried so hard to push the crappy parts down because I thought I would never meet another guy like him. A guy who would care so much about me and about my past and my future. A guy who wanted to see the stars with me, wanted to see a play together, wanted to go far away someday to escape it all, didn’t believe in promises like me, and hated fake people just as much as me. He seemed… right? He told me instead of a party he would want to see a sunset and I’m like wow, the perfect person for a girl with anxiety.

It all just seemed so perfect. I guess that’s what was wrong. The perception of it was deceitful.

But the way I got to know him was different than the way I got to know anyone else. We opened up to each other. We took small steps. We shared.

How do you let something like that go?

And how can you possibly think of moving on and thinking you deserve someone better when that was it… when that was the better? Or at least it felt like it.

Did I waste all those months, all that time, falling for him? Is it all just a waste now? Now that I know I meant nothing to him. And it was all nothing.

I don’t even know if I can get up after this second fall. I don’t think I can picture myself giving so much of myself to another person… hoping that they’re the right one for my heart.

I can’t do it again. I can’t.

It was hard enough this time.

Now, a piece of me is with him and he’s just breaking that piece apart.

How can I open up myself to another person? Open up my heart? The thought of falling for a third time and getting heartbroken for a third time? I don’t want to think of that. It really exhausts me thinking like that. I don’t even know if I’ll even be able to…

How do people like this get so consumed with playing the game that they don’t even realize they’re playing with feelings and emotions? Doesn’t that ever cross their minds?

How can I start over?

After going through so much, after listening to my heart, how can I possibly start over?

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to be wrong.

We all know what it’s like to be wrong, right?

Whether it’s when you raise your hand to answer a question in school or it’s a mini-argument about opinions or facts with your friends.

It’s okay to be wrong. But it’s embarrassing. Our pride gets bruised and how the other person responds to the incorrectness is crucial to how we’re going to feel about being wrong.

Either way, being wrong sucks. But it’s okay to be wrong— because that’s how we learn.

But what if you were wrong about how a person felt towards you?

Do you know what that’s like?

If you don’t, you’re lucky. If you do, wow. It truly, honestly feels like crap.

It’s extremely hard to be shown the truth. Because your mind has already put this perception of “how they felt” in your mind and it’s hard to let it go. It’s like believing in something for a long time and then figuring out the mind-blowing truth. The only examples I can think of are Santa Clause and the tooth fairy but it’s deeper than child beliefs. It’s a person… and your heart.

If there are signs and memories involved. Woh, that makes the situation ten times tougher. There were, what seemed to look like, “hints” that your mind and heart considered. How you think they felt is of course backed by evidence and this is the evidence. How they acted towards you. How they talked to you, their word choice. It’s all considered. But now that the truth is out and they actually don’t feel the way your mind perceives— what’s to become of those signs now? What were they? Who was this person, really?

And to not only be wrong about how they feel but also about who they are? It’s horrible.

Especially if you let the person in and opened up to them in a way you’ve never opened up to anyone else. But that never mattered to them.

Actually, nothing involving you mattered to them. No matter how much your heart wanted to push that thought away, maybe it’s the truth. If it’s not, where are they to prove you wrong?

Maybe all those weeks of pushing for the relationship to keep standing, it was just always meant to fall apart. You can’t force something that’s not there… that doesn’t want to be there in the first place: feelings or friendship.

It takes two people to build and maintain a relationship and if you have to question the other person’s intentions and whether they care about you, not because you’re scared but because they never proved to have cared… there’s a problem. And if you have to guess their feelings based on signs— you know that there is a miscommunication somewhere.

It’s dark and depressing to be wrong about someone and the way they feel. So don’t force a relationship if your thoughts and perceptions of the person are what you have to believe in instead of the person itself. If the person doesn’t show you who they really are then what’s making you stick around?

Don’t stay just to be burned. Trust me, this is coming from a girl who’s just been incinerated.


I knowww my blogging game truly sucks. But I’m going to try really hard. It’s like I stopped using blogging as my therapy and I miss it. I vaguely remember whenever I had feelings or emotions to vent, I always pulled up this page and it made me feel better. But so many factors have ruined that feeling for me. But I’m going to try harder.

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poems. 2:04 AM

all written 07.11.17:

Whenever I was alone with you, it rains. Is it a coincidence that’s how you always make me feel sometimes?

When you didn’t talk to me and I didn’t talk to you the only thing that made the pain and sadness feel okay was the rain.

I put my feelings in. I start the cycle. But instead of cleaning, this cycle makes everything dirty: my heart and my soul.

breathe in. just thinking about your scent // or is that cologne?// that makes my mind lose control. throw up.

You had me. You had her. She had you. but I

never

had

you.

You think I didn’t say hi because I’m shy. But it doesn’t take a genius to realize that I never said hi because of her.

You touched me, Friend. You put my hair behind my ear, Friend. You spent the night with me, Friend. You want to know my secrets, Friend. You say “My,” Friend. But you are not my Friend.

You open your mouth and I call bullshit but then the tears are replaced with laughs and smiles and I start believing again.

Your fault. I feel bad. Your fault. I stop talking. Your fault. I confess. Your fault. You lost focus. Your fault. but why did i always think it was mine?

I prayed for you when I should’ve been praying for someone else.

Read. Opened. Almost as bad as “We need to talk.”

I thought you cared. You told me you did. So it’s not unrealistic to think that when I was gone you were thinking of me. But you weren’t. You weren’t thinking of me. You were forgetting about me.

I know what it would be like to let you go. I tried it but it didn’t work out. So what do I do now?

What do you want from me? Was I smart? For letting you go in the past? If so, why do you keep coming back?

Heart drops. Heart goes back up. Heart drops. Heart twists. Heart drops. Heart turns. Heart drops. Heart wants to give up.

I close my eyes and I can see his smile, hear his voice, picture him, smell him, remember him, drown in him. Caffeine, please keep me awake.

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storytime & feelings: watching the clouds with you.

So even though things have been all kinds of confusing with Phoenix considering that I have feelings for him and he tends to “lose focus,” we hung out last week Tuesday for the second time.

Honestly, the moments/minutes leading up to the hang out were not very pleasant. I told him that I was free anytime in the afternoon, but we never really confirmed a time, he just told me he had to leave the hang out before 4. He told me that he would text me when he left the house. This was around 12 noon. I took a quick shower and anxiously asked my dad if I could go to the library with my friend (because that’s where we were meeting up). I was really surprised when my dad said yes because he didn’t ask about my friend (or the gender of my friend). Because my dad is Indian, and ya know if I told him I was hanging out with a guy… I would never hear the end of it. But he didn’t ask me so I was in the clear.

But 2 hours passed and now I’m not sure if Phoenix is gonna cancel on me again because he hasn’t told me if he left and he left my message on read. It made me stressed out and anxious. Not only because of him, but my dad needed me to scan a whole bunch of documents… and he asked me literally the minute before he had to leave for work. So I had to do that and then I decided to text him and ask, “Did you leave yet?” I wouldn’t have texted him first but I was really stressed and I didn’t care anymore so I just sent the text.

He texted back and told me that he did leave and I should leave the house too. So I was in a literal rush now. And also, I almost forgot this. I texted my friend telling her I needed help. I was going to ask her if wearing a skirt sent the wrong signal. Yes, I am a girl and I don’t need to send him anything yet because not even a few days ago this same boy pissed me off to no end with his excuse of why he canceled on me last week (which her didn’t give me until 3 days later.  He left me clueless as to why we didn’t hang out). She texted me when I was trying to rush out of the house, scanning the last document… so that makes it 3 things that rushed me. She told me no skirts and I tried to reason with her that skirts are my casual style. But then she convinced me to wear shorts, and honestly (but don’t tell her this lol) I felt more comfortable in shorts.

So then I left the house and my mom dropped me off at the library.  I remember that my heart was beating really fast and palpitating because I sent my friend a text that said, “My heart is doing trippy things.” My mom pulls up to the curb and I get out. I don’t know where he is but I know that he’s there. I walk up to the library (it’s a HUGE library) and the whole area is this downtown shopping area so there are stores and people all around. I don’t know why but I turn around, maybe to see if my mom left or to see if I could find him. I didn’t actually expect him to be walking up to me. Lol I would like to think that life owes me a favor where I could at least see him before he saw me. I think he saw me getting out of the car *facepalms* which is greaaatttt because I accidentally opened the car door too far and hit a mini grass hill.

So when I turned around for a second, he was coming down these stairs and he was smirking. I didn’t realize what was happening, that he was actually walking up to me and this was actually happening until 2 seconds later. Lol for those 2 seconds I was walking to who knows where. When the realization came I was like “Woah wait where are you going? He’s walking up to you Rebecca.” So I waited for him to meet me at the bottom of this little ramp thing that he was walking down. Ugh feelings, here I come.

*A very detailed, explanatory story follows ahead which is then followed by an analysis of my feelings and thoughts. Proceed with caution.*

As soon as he walked up to me, he smiled and my mind was like “This is actually happening.” He told me that he was going to take me to a park but we walked to an ATM to get some money first and he asked me to be his bodyguard lol. And I was like, “I should just let them rob you.” Then we walked through downtown for a bit because he had to go break some change. It was funny because we walked to a 7-11 and he asked them for change and they didn’t have any. I didn’t hear the conversation he had with the cashier but I thought the cashier was getting him money because he just stood there for a few seconds but then he said, “Let’s go.” And I was like, “Wait what happened?” He told me they didn’t have any change and then I questioned why he stood there for two extra seconds. He was like, “I was in shock, I couldn’t believe it” lol that was funny.

It was weird because I swear, as soon as I got out of the car these rain droplets started falling, but it was still pretty sunny. The last time we hung out it was raining, so we had to go to the library. Then last week he canceled on me because it was raining and he wanted to hang out outdoors. And I pointed this out to him and we joked about it. But hmm is that a sign?

We walked to the park. There were other teenagers there sitting on benches next to a playground. I guess they were from our school because he said he knew them from his class but he didn’t know them know them. He didn’t want to sit there and I didn’t want to sit there because ew teenagers lol (Yes, I am fully aware that I am a teenager lol, but these were supposedly teenagers from my school ew).

So we sat on these playground chairs in the middle of the playground. These were playground chairs, so they were cramped and there were two sets of these chairs. One was on the ground level (which I could reach), the other one was up higher and you had to get to it by climbing on the ground level set. He wanted to sit up there and I didn’t mind. But being a small person (and a PROUD one at that lol) he had to lift me up… Yeah… Honestly, I have to admit that the way he lifted me up was really weird. This chair consisted of two chairs connected to each other. So he laid down on the chairs, they were like u-shaped chillax chairs— they curved so you could lay down and like look at the clouds. But I sat next to him while he laid down (I was facing him) and we just talked about what we’ve been up to so far and how life’s been and other small stuff. Then a little girl wanted to sit on the chairs so we moved.

We moved to the benches (the other teens left) and talked some more. Someone called him and he talked in his native language and it was honestly so cool. Then we talked about the languages our families speak in. Which then made him ask me to say some words in my language, but I was embarrassed because I don’t talk in my parent’s native language, I just understand and listen to them because I only talk in English. So I was self-conscious of saying words wrong because I have no Indian accent whatsoever (it’s sad). But, he was literally so sweet. He was like “So what? I don’t even know if you’re saying it wrong so there’s nothing to worry or be freaked out about. I’m not going to judge you. I want to hear some words.” I told him what rain is (not considering the coincidental value this word already has). I don’t know how but we talked about going far away some day and he made us shake our hands (I know, was it a business deal? lol) as a deal to drive away from everything one day.

Then the benches got boring so we went back to the playground chairs. And this time… physical. Ok, you have to believe me when I said I TRIED. I really did. Because last time we hung out he was very touchy feely. I mean he’s a touchy feely person in general. But… ok the last time we hung out he tickled me (we were both sitting in chairs) and I don’t know I ended up on the floor and I ended up putting my head on his knee (TRUST ME, it isn’t as weird as it sounds) then we went on the bus and he tickled me again and I ended up putting my head on his shoulder and leaving it there and sometimes he put his head on my head. And he kept brushing strands of hair out of my face multiple times to “help me out.” So that was the last hang out and it kind of ruined me, so I mentally prepared myself for his touchy feeli-ness because I knew it would just ruin me later in the future.

But he was right there and my heart was just speaking for me. I mean you can convince yourself not to do something when you look back at it or if you’re away from the person, but being there in the moment with him, it was hard. We sat on the chairs again: he laid down and I sat upwards with my back to his knee like last time. I had my knees folded and sat and one of his hands opened out and I laid my folded knee in the direction of his stomach and he rested his hand on/around my knee. Then my leg cramped and I had to move and suddenly his arm rested near, some might even say around my waist (urgh).

And he kept playing with my life. I’m a small person compared to him and he took up half the chair space. He pretended to drop me and we were higher up, so it was scary, but not really because I knew he was just playing around. But my heart dropped the first time he did it because honestly, I wasn’t expecting it and the way he held me after he almost dropped me was fhjbjlumtdbt. He kept doing it and each time he did it he pulled me closer and I… came closer too buttttttttt I stopped myself. We also talked in between.

Then my foot was cramping so I had to lay down next to him. And he was like “Yeah, lay down, look at the clouds.” So I did and it was so nice. I pointed out a plane to him and felt like a little kid lol. But the reason I didn’t want to lay down next to him was that I thought he was going to do this one thing that I was scared of him doing: putting his arm around my shoulders. Because he is touchy feely and you can never tell. When I laid down he didn’t do anything for a few minutes. So you know how people put their arms behind their head in a sort of chillaxing way? He did that and this fool took up half my head space.. and he knew that he was doing that. I asked him to move but he just smirked- the nerve. So for the sake of my head and not wanting to fall off the chair, I had to put my head on his arm. And suddenly he moved his arm position and did exactly that: put his arm around my shoulder. I didn’t even realize when it was happening. Then, after a while, my neck started hurting, I don’t know there’s something wrong with my alignment I swear I have the back/neck of an old lady. So I told him and he tried fixing it by moving us higher but it didn’t help so I had to put my head into his chest area a little bit, but NOT on his chest, more into his arm if ya get what I mean. So yeah… there was that.

There were these small moments of silence, but it wasn’t awkward, it was like this calmness like one of those “I’m happy to be here with you” moments. That’s how I felt, I don’t know about him. Then while I was laying there I thought: Wow, it’s like we’re a casual couple hanging out at the park forgetting about the worries of the world. But wait one thing is missing: he doesn’t have feelings for me. So I felt complete (in my heart’s sense) but also heartbroken.

Also, he was supposed to leave at 5:30 to soccer practice and his friend called and he told them that he was on his way but he kept staying there with me because he made the point that he always practices soccer but he barely sees me. Of course, that didn’t help me. It made my heart go up but it also broke a little. Because he is insanely busy and he told me that next week he’s going out of state for a soccer thing and I don’t know why but my heart dropped but it’s not like I was going to see him next week or anything so I don’t know why I was feeling that.

We left the park at around 6 and I told him that my stomach was hurting because I hardly ate anything (there was no food at my house and my summer hunger is very weird) and we went to a store and he got me fries and he paid for me and I have no idea why he did that. That’s also a reason why I told him that it’s no bother that if we don’t get food because I knew he would be a gentleman and pay.

Then we had to go different directions and my heart dropped again. He told me the directions to the library, we side-hugged (which is something I kind of regret now because I wish I gave him a real hug but one hand was holding the bag of fries and the other held my phone). I told him that if I got kidnapped it would be his fault lol. Then I walked off and it took everything in me not to turn around and face him because if I did I would never want to leave. Of course, my resolve was not great. I did eventually turn back, but I turned when he was crossing the street.

Of course, I didn’t feel all that great after the hang out because I was thinking of something he said a few minutes before we left each other: he told me that if he saw me on a date whilst he was walking downtown (which was where we were) he would be like “Ooooh I see you, Rebecca.” And his reaction was so genuine and it’s something any of my other friends would say, there was no underlying meaning or pain in what he said we weren’t even talking about me and a date- he just brought it up.

I was feeling down because I’m so deep in the friendzone. I just feel like such a girl. Not even two seconds ago I was angry at him and now, I don’t even know.

And I called him like half an hour after we left each other because my mom wasn’t home and I needed a ride (my parents wouldn’t let me drive the van alone and honestly I’m scared to drive it… even though license I know, it’s just a huge car. Plus I would need to park it and there are parking meters and parking lots I have to consider, remember this is a shopping center). So I called to ask him how much the bus cost but he didn’t pick up, I think he was already at practice by then. Then he called me later when I was venting to my friend (about him) and I thought twice about not answering it but I didn’t know the outcomes of that so I just picked up. I told him why I called him and yeah… I just wanted to stay on the phone longer with him and yep I am ruined. Ugh, it also doesn’t help that he always says, “Stay safe” as often as he says hi or goodbye. Ugh ugh ugh.

It’s just so confusing for my heart because it’s as if there are two sides of him. There’s the real-life him. Who’s honestly so sweet and chill. Then there’s the texting side of him who’s a jerk and leaves me hanging some days. I don’t like the whole game, it has me pulling on my hairs and questioning my sanity.

And it doesn’t help that my friends keep telling me, “Oh, he wouldn’t do that if you two were ‘just friends’.” It’s all just a tangled mess of what do I do? Does he like me? Is he worth it considering all he’s done to me?

Feelings are a pool of “I don’t want this.” But just like I told one of my friends who’s also feeling overwhelming emotions: “It’s better to feel something than it is feeling nothing.”

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