i’m sorry.

Will an “i’m sorry” take away the tears I already shed?

Will an “i’m sorry” get rid of my anxiety?

Will an “i’m sorry” make the overthinking seem ridiculous?

Will an “i’m sorry” fix the moments where you weren’t there?

Will an “i’m sorry” mend a broken heart?

Will an “i’m sorry” remove my puffy eyes?

Will an “i’m sorry” make me change my playlist from sad to happy music?

Will an “i’m sorry” remove the moments of heartbreak?

Will an “i’m sorry” erase bad times?

Will an “i’m sorry” stop my wandering mind?

Will an “i’m sorry” remove the scars of my heart?

Will an “i’m sorry” replace as a band-aid?

Will an “i’m sorry” fix the absence you left in my heart?

Will an “i’m sorry” turn a rain cloud into a sun?

Will an “i’m sorry” take too much out of you?

Will an “i’m sorry” be able to rewrite the pages?

Will an “i’m sorry” make me feel bad?

Will an “i’m sorry” make me feel stupid?

Will an “i’m sorry” mean more coming from you?

Will an “i’m sorry” mean nothing?

Will an “i’m sorry” save me?

Will an “i’m sorry” take away the pain?

Will an “i’m sorry” be something you’re capable of?

Will an “i’m sorry” make everything okay again?

Will an “i’m sorry” make me happy?

Will an “i’m sorry” mean something from you?

Will it change anything?

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deep thoughts: crying

Have you ever cried where the thing that set you off isn’t actually the reason you’re bawling your eyes out?

Let me explain…

A couple of days ago, I cried when something happened.

At the time, I knew I was crying for a stupid reason.

The thing I was crying about was a misunderstanding and I had a feeling someone would help me out and they did.

But I still bawled over this stupid reason.

Myself, knowing, that it was in fact stupid.

I kept crying.

In fact I just laid in bed crying and thinking while listening to music.

Where’s the part where I make a point?

Don’t worry I’m getting there.

I realized that I wasn’t crying over what happened…

I was crying over things that accumulated in my mind that I never really cried over.

I thought about all my demons from the past few days and how they’ve been eating away at my mind.

Even things that aren’t true or have any indication of being true, because that’s what anxiety does to you.

It eats away at your brain.

And suddenly I wasn’t crying over one thing, but so many other things.

It wasn’t like a good cry… is there such a thing?

It was like a dark, “I’m gonna go crawl in my hole” kind of cries. Because I really thought I was gonna go back to that 16 year old version of me who only felt insecure and worthless. She’s made only a few appearances this year (which is an achievement). But I didn’t revert to her.

The next day, I was actually really happy. I spent a day with my friends and I was okay.

I just think I needed to cry.

I needed to let it all out.

I just needed a moment to not pretend that I was okay and that everything was good.

Because it’s okay accepting that things aren’t okay.

And it’s always okay to cry. Who said it wasn’t?

It’s good to cry, it means you’re not holding anything in.

So maybe sometimes we don’t cry because of what just happened or because of one solid reason.

Maybe we cry when our “This is enough” gauge gets full.

Maybe we cry when everything becomes too much.

Maybe we cry when we don’t know what else to do.

Maybe we cry just to cry.

movies and life.

You know how in movies the main character always has that moment of darkness?

Everyone has given up on them that they want to give up themselves. They don’t see a point in trying anymore because it’s become useless.

They start to give in to the darkness of their emotions when something happens.

They become hopeful again and start to believe in themselves again.

It’s like a newfound sense of courage has kicked in.

And they can’t rest until they can redeem themselves and bring hope and light to the world again.

They no longer feel helpless.

I guess movies like this aren’t very reliable because life is more complex than this. You’re gonna have more than one hopeless moment in your life. That’s hard to stray away from.

Also, the main character is kind of “known for” being a badass and saving the world and being capable of saving it.

But in most of these movies, these characters have a “special power,” be it, magical or non-magical. They could have super strength, be a wizard, have something come out of their hands.

And it makes you feel like a little kid watching these movies because you want to be the one fighting your toughest battles with ice powers or speed. Because it’s so freaking cool.

And for a moment…

Just a mere moment, you believe in the impossible.

I’m not only talking about the impossibility (or possibility) of these powers.

I’m talking about the possibility of unfailing hope and utter happiness.

You believe for a moment that you’re capable of being brave like them too.

There’s this feeling of adrenaline rush after finishing a good movie where all is well at the end. Because it gives you hope.

It makes you feel capable of what the main character is doing, and that is making sure all is well at the end.

Nowadays, I’m just looking for that “special power,” I’m waiting for my beacon of hope.

Because sometimes it feels like I’m taking 2 steps forward and 5 steps back.

I want that moment of when something will change my life, my perspective. Not only for a night or a week. But for the rest of my life.

I don’t want to revert to the person I used to be anymore. I want to be safe in the present.

I want that breaking point of “I can do this because of …”

I want that moment in life where I accept being me and I know my purpose.

That’s my ultimate goal.

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who’s Rebecca again? life update.

So… Where do I start?

Hi! It’s honestly hard to write an “I’m back” message without sounding cringey or too cliche.

I don’t know if anyone really remembers me, I mean it’s been like 6 months. It feels like a lifetime on my end.

But, hey, it’s Rebecca also known as hopelesslystrong.

Remember the last time I typed a couple of posts I just came back from an unplanned break and said I would try to be consistent?

Well… I completely failed and took another long break. But this has been the longest break I have ever taken away from my blog.

It wasn’t planned but at the same time, I could tell it was coming.

Not because of anything personal or anything I was just really busy at the time.

It was the last home stretch of my senior year of high school. So much was happening to me, mentally and physically, while I still had school and applying to colleges on my plate. I also had to study for exams because they were 4 months away. Prom, graduation, keeping up my grades.

Let me tell you, a lot has happened in these past few months.

Should I catch you up?

  • I turned 18 in December. I was still around by then but I never wrote a post about it.
  • I am NOT crushing on anyone. Phoenix is in the past. He turned out to be a lying jerk and I’m happier without him. But of course, some days are better than others. My overthinking is of course still there. And maybe that story will be something I talk about or don’t.
  • My friend started a personal Instagram for my singing. I’m still kinda working on it. But if anyone wants a mutual follow, just ask! It’s kinda weird seeing people I know on Instagram when before I only had a photography account (which is still thriving… just need to stop being lazy)
  • I kinda have an alter ego now. Her name is Bex. She’s kinda the Sasha Fierce to Beyonce. I transform into her in front of the camera and I’ve learned to embrace my inner beauty, not only in front of a camera but in my everyday life too. I started smiling with my teeth… which is something I was too self-conscious to do before.
  • I learned how to do my eyebrows. Which if you know me, is a big deal. I’ve wanted to learn ever since I began high school. I have this friend who taught me it all and just took me and my other inexperienced makeup friend shopping to figure out our shades and tones and it was really fun. I’d like to call myself an intermediate eyebrow artist lol.
  • I got a haircut in the middle of the school term which I’ve never one. I usually get them done during the summer. Plus, I cut it past m comfort zone, which is at my shoulders, and it was a change but it was nice to just start over.
  • I went to prom. I never planned on going to prom but the group of friends I befriended this year were actually real ones and one of my friends organized the whole thing from a party bus, to going to a restaurant, to going to IHOP at 3 am. But it was fun and a memorable night. And I definitely did not need a significant other to have fun. Screw that.
  • I graduated high school! My high school days are over!!! I am washed clean! Lol but graduation was nice. It was nice to have all my friends and family. I definitely felt like I accomplished something big. And I did because I made it through all the good and BAD times. It was a battle but onto college…
  • Please don’t ask me about college. I’m not sure at the moment. I still need to figure some stuff out.
  • My grandma passed away two weeks ago. I cried when all my extended family was at the hospital. But at the funeral, I didn’t. I said a poem to her at the funeral. I didn’t cry because I know I still have the memory of her with me forever. And, as a Christian, I know that it won’t be the last time seeing her. She was definitely the best and the most loving.

But yeah, basically while I was gone I just enjoyed the last days of high school… enjoyed… counted down… same difference. But it wasn’t all misery. I had fun with some real friends as the days counted down. With them, prom and graduation were fun. I felt loved and I was happy.

I took a week away from life when my grandma passed and now here I am.

I kinda hate the summer at the moment. I don’t really like long breaks because they tend to be boring and of course, that’s when the darkness seeps in. I haven’t really done anything this summer. I want to get a job so we’ll see how that goes.

But hopefully, this isn’t a quick hello and goodbye. I won’t promise anything I’m unsure of. So let’s see where this awakening back from the blogging depths take us. It’s really great to be back, how have you guys been?

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11.22.17 Ice Skating… Never Again

So why don’t we start with a positive story?

I was still kinda posting when this happened but I never wrote about it.

So this day was a half day because it was the day of Thanksgiving break. So my friends and I made a plan to go ice skating, and you know how in those high school movies there’s always that cliche hangout place that they have? Well, ours is downtown. Literally, anything is Downtown. You can’t go Downtown without seeing someone from school. All the teenagers go there to hang out. Well, Downtown has an ice skating rink. So we planned to go ice skating.

But like every teenager plan, this one wasn’t thought out completely. It was a last minute thing. So most of us were on edge whether we should go or not.

I went. One of our friends said she would go home first then come. Most of us went. Since it was a half day our lunch period was the last period of the day so we could just roam around the school. But one of our friend’s had classes during the last period so instead of getting on the bus Downtown we waited for her so she wouldn’t come on the bus alone.

When her class ended she went to the bus stop and we went to go meet up with her. So the funny thing is, she’s Phoenix’s best friend. If you don’t know who Phoenix is (click here) but I’m not friends with her because of that. She’s actually really chill and sweet. Since this was a few days after I told him I liked him, she asked me how it went. She was really sweet about the whole thing and helped me with my overthinking that day.

The bus took like 10 minutes to come. But two of my friends didn’t make it on and the bus driver was like wait for the next one. But our friend has this pact “No man left behind” so if they went out we all had to go out and wait for the next bus altogether. It’s a really sweet pact that they established before my best friend and I became part of the group.

So my friends and I just sat on the bus bench talking. We laughed a lot. I’m so blessed to have the friends that I have. I am also blessed to be short lol. This is one of the instances. Because two of my friends didn’t mind that I was putting my feet in one’s lap and resting my head on the other’s shoulder. Literally, they didn’t mind. Those are friends lol. Then another bus came after 20 minutes and it was crowded too. But we all made it on.

I didn’t plan on ice skating because I was sick and spending time outside really wasn’t the move for me. My other friend didn’t plan on ice skating either cause she was traumatized by it (her best friend cut his face with the blade once) so we went to chipotle together and our other friends decided to go to the ice skating place first. We both shared one burrito to save money lol.

After we both ate, we met our friends at the skating rink. They were lacing up their skates and told us that it would cost 14 bucks to skate. Fourteen. Well, I am like an influenced submisser (new world). If my friends persuade me enough, I will agree to literally anything. They don’t even have to do much. I honestly don’t know what even happened but it worked. I think my submissive influenced my traumatized friend to submit too.

Ok tying the laces was its’ own challenge in itself. My friend had to help me out. Our friends already started skating for 20 minutes before the both of us got there too.

Let me tell you… I knew I was gonna fall. But I didn’t know I was gonna fall the second I got on the ice.

Yes, you read that right. I fell the second I got on the ice. Sooner better than later, right? Lol blame it on my experienced skater friend, she said she got me but she did not have me.

She was the only one out of us who knew how to skate. Our other two friends were learning while holding onto the rail. I was struggling. Being on the ice is scary. It’s definitely not like roller skating. Cause… I don’t know ice is scarier. It’s already cold and the blades don’t really have a grip unless your feet are in the right position.

Dude, it’s even hard walking on the mat thing before getting on the ice. But once you get off the ice and onto the mat you realize it’s easier. But yeah I was struggling.

I was the slowest out of all my friends lol, I didn’t know how to ice skate but I got a little faster by the end.

I took a lot of breaks lol but I still had a lot of fun. Even though it felt like the 14 dollars was a scam. I paid 14 dollars for my suffering…

I think if we go ice skating another time I’ll be just like our other friend who came and just walked outside the rink with us cause she didn’t want to skate.

But yeah, the friends I made are actually friends. I have my own friend group and they’ve really been helping me. They’re the reason why this one certain thing (that story is coming soon PROMISE) isn’t getting to me because the happiness I experience with them is greater than any other happiness I was expecting out of that certain story and I’m just so grateful.

I’m grateful for all of the fake friends and bad relationships I’ve been through. Because if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t know the happiness of having friends would feel like. I wouldn’t be as grateful for the happiness if I didn’t go through the darkness first.

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2018: roses.

Am I posting consistently? Idk but that’s what it looks likeee.

Let’s not jinx it lol.

So today’s post was gonna be a story but before I tell the stories of what’s been going on in the past 2 months I wanted to just talk about what 2018 means to me.

It’s weird that this is going to be my starting post since the stories I have to tell you guys are mostly stories before 2018 began. But I think the mentality I have in 2018 will explain where I stand concerning the stories.

Confused yet? It’s okay I would be too.

So yesterday, when I said that when 2018 began it was like I opened a new book… I honestly wasn’t kidding. The minute 2018 began it’s like I could begin fresh. I could start over. I didn’t have to excuse the same crap I used to. I didn’t have to let fake people in anymore if I didn’t want to. I could stop talking to people who gave me anxiety.

Starting a new year was a regular cliche for me. It was as if I started being a new person.

Last year, I was obsessed with the moon. I mean I’ve always loved the moon. I started to put the little moon emoji on all of my social media accounts next to my name. The moon kind of became my icon.

But recently, I’ve been really obsessed with roses. Idk why lol.

I still love the moon- don’t get me wrong.

But as weird as this sounds, I think a rose describes the situation I’m in.

You’ll know more about that situation in probably a few days.

But for now, I’ll tell you that I had to let in this pain that I didn’t want to let in and I had to feel it and then choose to be happy.

I don’t know something about a rose… roses are just so beautiful but so deceiving at the same time.

Deceiving as in they’re pretty but they have thorns.

Like even with the thorns, the scars, it’s still beautiful. Through all the walls it might keep up, it’s still beautiful and it still grows.

Plus it might be because red is my favorite color lol.

So for 2018, I’ve been contributing my year so far to a rose.

The rose symbolizes my healing process.

It indicated that I chose to live…

that I chose happiness.

And I can make it through even when sometimes I don’t want to.

One of my favorite YouTubers has this clothing line with hoodies that have the phrase “good enough” with guess what by the words? A rose.

And on the pocket of the hoodie, it has the words “Growth begins with accepting yourself as enough.”

If that doesn’t scare you yet, he said this when posting about a re-stock of the hoodies: “Be yourself and know that that’s good enough.”

And that’s basically the mental state my mind has been in since the year started.

I want to be good enough, I want to accept myself, I don’t want to depend on someone else to tell me my worth.

I’m good enough.

That’s something I’ve been working on in 2018.

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