I’m Back… Hopefully

You’re reading that right.

So I don’t know if anyone’s noticed if I’ve been gone or if anyone remembers who I am. I’ve been gone longer than I… planned? expected? I never really planned or expected to actually be “gone.” I think the term “taking a break” would fit better.

Like I said I never really expected or planned to be gone or to take a break. But days just turned into weeks and then weeks turned into a month.

During the time that I left, I was going through some crappy feelings and I felt like I needed to sort that out. Because I didn’t just want to keep posting about some guy… I felt like that was… dumb? I just felt like the content of my blog would be downgraded if I talked about the same subject (Phoenix). And I know it’s my blog I should feel free to talk about whatever I want but it didn’t feel like that during the time that I left. It just felt like my job was to please people.

So I needed to take time away from posting, from the likes, from the follows, from everything. I needed to talk to my friends about him. I needed to not make my situation into a blog post because it didn’t help.

(If you’re interested in what did help this situation then, please keep reading.)

Because blogging didn’t help I thought that maybe I should stop making blog posts… Yes, I actually considered it. Because as weeks went by I didn’t really find myself wanting to go back to writing blog posts and I don’t know why… One of the reasons why I made a blog is because I wanted to get my feelings and thoughts out there and it helped. But if it couldn’t help me with Phoenix and that whole damn thing could it ever help me again? What was the point if writing out my feelings couldn’t help me anymore?

But then I forgot the other reason that I started this blog. Because it’s been like my diary. I wanted a place I could go to where I could remember everything that has happened to me and all I’ve been through. So hopefully one day in the future I can be like “Wow, I made it through.”

Today, I was scrolling through my old blog posts because I needed to find some poems to enter into this scholarship program and I found myself looking at all these stories and all these emotions and feelings and it’s. all. there.

What?

Me. I’m here. I’m there. My feelings. My emotions. My thoughts. They’re all here. There are so many pieces of myself on this blog. Not only that but who I am is here in this blog. And I don’t think I can let hopelesslystrong go. I couldn’t give this up. I couldn’t let this go. I forgot how much I could say without feeling the need to hold back.

Plus I don’t think I would be able to make that goodbye post and say goodbye to those of you who have been there to always make me smile (I would probably ask you guys for another way of communication so we would be able to talk) But still it wouldn’t feel the same to say goodbye to hopelesslystrong.

So I’m trying this again. And hopefully, this will be a new beginning for hopelesslystrong. And I knowwww I feel like I should have a new theme or a new background or something. But I’m pretty happy with my background so no drastic changes to my site lol. Just a new start, mentally, for this blog. So… a lot has happened since I’ve been gone:

Hopelesslystrong turned 2 years old! I’m so proud of this blog and what it’s done, not only for me, but for what it has done for others (e.g. when people tell me that my posts teach them something new). Being gone has made me appreciate this blog more and I want to say thank you to every one of you who have kept me strong because I could never be here without you guys.

The whole Phoenix thing is resolved. We’re friends again. I had to let go of the “chapstick thing” No, trust me he’s a good guy. During that whole time, he wasn’t talking to me and I wasn’t talking to him I had a lot of doubts and the one question that bothered me so much was Did it even faze him that we weren’t talking? Well, he told me that when someone is quiet with him then he’s quiet too and loses focus… I know that might sound like some confusing shh-tuff (my attempt at trying not to curse) it was confusing to me too, but he’s a good friend. Yeah, friend. He’s not really a good person to fall for though. Even though my heart might beg to differ. I mean I don’t think you would want the person you’re falling for to say that they were losing focus over you and your friendship together. But other than that, we hung out together after school and it was honestly so nice. We went to this huge library and just talked. We talked about our lives, our pasts, our fears, anything and everything and it was so nice. We talked for maybe 4 or 5 hours. It was just nice to feel happy without overthinking about it. But trust me, I’m a football thrown into the friendzone.

I took the SAT!!!! And I survived it!!! I honestly don’t know how. I burned my brain the week beforehand studying and my eyebags has eyebags. I don’t know how I did but I feel okay about it. I did what I could and I’m okay with it. I’m just happy I survived (really thought I wouldn’t make it out alive… okay stop being overdramatic Rebecca… I’m sorry)

I have no idea about college applications. That sentence didn’t even make sense. All that sentence means is college apps = ew. That whole thing is on my shoulders and I’m trying to take a college credit class but I’m kind of on uneasy terms with my dad and he’s the one I have to talk to about taking the class. I asked him and he said he would think about it but he hasn’t told me anything. I’m on uneasy terms with him because he wants me to be a doctor but… no, thank you. I cannot be held responsible for someone else’s life and I hate being around sick people. I already have the worst immune system ever. I’m thinking of majoring in forensic science and having a minor in music because I can’t let go of my dream. I also have a bunch of anxiety thinking of asking my teachers for recommendation letters and going to my counselor to talk to him about this.

Andddd…. it’s the last week of school this week! And honestly, I’m really ecstatic and scared at the same time. Happy because yessssssss I very much want this stress to be over. Also, I might get my license over the summer but I’m so anxious to take the test. But scared because I don’t know how many of you read my posts during spring break but if you did you would know I had the worst spring break ever. I was so mentally broken down. Because I never got out of my house and I hated seeing these same four walls and I really don’t want that to be my summer. I don’t want to have a boring summer, that might seem like something overdramatic like who cares if you have a boring summer? It just mentally breaks me down being and doing the same thing over and over again. I’m also scared because of the friends I’ve made this year. I think you might know where this conversation is leading. Fake friends. I think I can pretty much tell the “friends” who are going to turn into fake friends. But actually being extremely close to the possibility that the people I’ve made as friends are going to leave me in the dust make it all so tiring.

I thought that if there was a possibility that this come-back post was, in fact, going to happen that I would be in a happy place. But I’m honestly not in a happy place. I’m stressed and tired and I want to just give up sometimes.

But then I remember the small amount of people who have always had my back. I remember all those other times I wanted to give up but didn’t and there’s a reason I didn’t. Because I’m curious. I’m curious as to what my future has in store for me. Yes, even though school is going to be over, college decision-making is still going to be on my back and that stresses me out to no end. But I’m taking it one day at a time. And I know that God won’t let me down. My faith isn’t something I want to doubt or let go of. I think I’ve done that too many times before in the past.

So that’s what’s been happening to me in the past month, how have all of you been? I honestly hope you’re doing good. I’ve missed you guys so much! Hopefully, with everything on my plate, I’ll still be able to make blog posts because nothing is better than the feeling of typing endlessly not having to hold back on anything.

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life preserver.

People cannot read minds.

It would be cool if they did, and maybe a bit creepy if they read your mind. But it can’t happen.

So don’t be mad at someone if they can’t see that your “I’m doing ok” is actually a bold-faced lie.

Telling people that you’re okay when you’re not is the decision you make.

People can’t read minds. They don’t know what’s going on until you tell them.

Don’t expect someone to read you like airport security.

If you’re drowning,

scream.

When someone is drowning you don’t hear them silently going under the waves. They scream their lungs out trying to get help, trying to get someone’s attention.

To get a life preserver thrown at them.

You can’t expect someone to throw a life preserver out at you when you’re not even screaming for help.

It’s not lame asking for help.

Is it weak caring about yourself and your well-being? Hell no.

Personally, I don’t like asking people for help. Because I feel like I’m bothering them.

But I 100% believe that your friends, loved ones, etc. want you to go to them about your problems instead of watching you silently suffering.

And if you don’t completely trust someone with your problems, don’t tell them.

But if the reason you’re not telling them is because you’re scared- don’t be.

If they love you, they won’t judge you or feel bothered.

So scream.

Violently scream like a little kid in the movies when they see a ghost.

Scream for that life preserver.

Because no one was born with the ability to read minds.

Over the past few days, I’ve reached out to people and I never realized I’ve always had some amazing life preservers.

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With Best Friends… Everything Will Be Okay

I have 3 best friends.

These are the friends I made back in the day lol. These are the friends who knew me before I knew myself. The friends who were there before, during, and after puberty.

Best friends are people you can always go to, no matter what. No matter how long ago you’ve last talked to each other. They’re always there.

To give you a smile, to make you laugh, to talk about the little things, and to talk about the deep things.

The other day when I felt empty and felt like giving up I texted one of my best friends. I didn’t expect a reply or for her to care as much as she did. I texted her Saturday night and waited a few hours but no reply.

Saturday night turned into Sunday morning and the only person who texted me was my uncle wanting to take me on a driving lesson.

An important detail to the story: I like to keep my phone on silent because keeping it on sound gives me too much anxiety. If I’m waiting for a person to text me, I’ll be constantly on the prowl hoping/waiting for them to respond and I hate that feeling.

So while I was watching a TV series on my computer Sunday night my brother walks into my room telling me that my best friend’s mom was calling, telling me to call my best friend. I’m confused. So I check my silent phone and see a bunch of messages, a missed call, and a voicemail. My friend cared so much as to ask her mom to call my house to make sure that I was okay.

My friend cared so much as to ask her mom to call my house to make sure that I was okay. That’s the kind of person I needed, I need.

I had a wonderful conversation with my friend. She listened to everything I had to get off my chest while advising me and making me feel okay about what I’m feeling. Then we talked about the future and she said that my future doesn’t have to be more crap. My future will be whatever I want it to be, whatever I work hard for it to be.

Talking to her just made the emptiness I was feeling, less empty. I was so afraid of talking to this friend because I thought that I was bothering her, but she told me that I never bother her and she wanted to make sure that I know that.

And then the next day, Monday, I went to my other best friend’s house and we watched movies and played badminton. Today, I sat in the car while she drove and vice versa.

Whenever we spend time with each other laughing is like breathing to us. It’s such a weight off my shoulders to forget about all the stress, or remember the stress and laugh about it.

It’s just really nice to spend time with or talk to the people who have known you for all or life, or who know you for who you are. The people who aren’t fake and don’t have to question your friendship status. These are the people you should put in your life.

Because these are the people who will help you bring you out of the ashes and out of the darkness. These are the people who will give you happiness, even if it’s for a little bit- it’ll be genuine happiness.

Even if you’re not sure who your best friends are or if you can even consider someone your best friend, people who care enough to make sure you don’t give up are people worth keeping around.

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involuntary.

  • (adjective) done without will or conscious control

Have you ever thought about the things that we do that we don’t even think about doing?

Our eyes blink.

We breathe.

Hearts beat.

And we’re still here.

If any of these stopped working the way they do… well, in short: We would be screwed.

But the best part is we don’t even have to think about doing them.

Why? Because they’re involuntary.

They just happen without the need for thinking.

I don’t know about you, but to me (having overwhelming thoughts and unnecessary worry) this is like a weight off my shoulders.

I don’t have to worry about it in the future. I don’t have to worry about it at all.

Involuntary functions are amazing. We don’t have to remind ourselves “Remember at 11:52 to breathe.”

But,

Why is it that happiness isn’t involuntary?

Or positive thoughts?

The way it looks,

it often seems like negative thoughts are involuntary and positive thoughts are voluntary.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if happiness was involuntary?

We wouldn’t even have to worry that much about our mental health.

All those dark thoughts about the crappiness of our day wouldn’t matter considering that we’re only thinking about the good stuff.

When I was a kid, I wasn’t happy all the time but I didn’t have to think of happiness as some far away thing like I do right now.

I wish happiness was still an innocent emotion, back when all you had to do to be happy was go with your family to the park and ride a bike.

Back when happiness almost felt involuntary.

It would be really great for my anxiety if happiness was involuntary.

But maybe if happiness was involuntary, we would just brush it aside.

Like how we brush aside our bodies remembering to breathe or blink because it’s so constant, it’s forgotten.

Happiness is an amazing feeling, you wouldn’t want to brush aside that feeling because it’s continuous to a point where you forget about it.

I mean it would be great if there was constant happiness, but sadness gives me hope and meaning.

If happiness was constant and involuntary, we wouldn’t feel other emotions.

I think we were made the right way when the involuntary things were things like blinking and breathing.

But happiness takes work. It takes acceptance and strength. It takes something greater than some automatic bodily function.

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My Week Update

I don’t know what I should be more excited about: The fact that I’m done with the 30 hours of classroom education of driving school (which is why I’ve kind of been inactive for the past 2 weeks) or the fact that it’s finally spring break!!!

I think I’m more excited about the second one, as you might be able to tell from the bold.

So this is kind of a life update, not just a week update. Because of driving school AND school, I haven’t been able to catch up with you guys or myself. How’s everyone been?

So driving school was a lot of work. I had to come home from school, do homework for the 3 hours I have, before going to driving school and coming home at 9. The first week (which was last week) was really tiring because it was the second to last week before spring break so of course, teachers were cramming in tests, quizzes, and essays. Not only because of the nearing spring break but also because the end of the third quarter was coming too.

As of this morning, my grades are actually pretty good, but I’m glad the grade book is closing up. Because, I kid you not, all of my grades are either B’s close to A’s (which frustrates me) or A’s close to B’s (which gives me anxiety, hoping that my teachers aren’t done entering work in). Imagine seeing an 89.0% (B grade)and literally, all you need to get an A is an extra .7% to make it an 89.7% this grading system/school system really pisses me off, but that’s for another post in the near future.

The second week of driving school, I just wanted to get out of there. The teacher noticed I didn’t talk much (thank you social anxiety) so he called me out about it during class and said he would take off participation points (which he can’t do) so that made me feel horrible. But he didn’t mention it again and just let me be so that was okay. But honestly, I’m glad it’s all over. I just need my 6 hours of instructional driving.

In piano class, I had a recital that I was in no way prepared for because I didn’t know what to play. I’ve been learning “A Thousand Years” by Christina Perri but I didn’t learn the whole 7-page song so I thought I would just do a song out of our piano book. But of course, I didn’t learn the book page piece until the day of the recital. Weirdly, I wasn’t anxious about my piano recital the night before, just the moment of it actually happening. So other students went to play their recital before me, and they played half of their songs, so I thought why not do “A Thousand Years?” I mean I’ve memorized the whole first part because I’ve been working on it since maybe November. Of course, my teacher called on me and it was like a minute before the bell rang. Well, my heart was pounding, but, I don’t know, the minute my fingers touched the piano and the sound came out it was like all the anxiety kind of faded away and it was just me and the music. I messed up my last note, but who doesn’t make mistakes here and there?

I went to a college fair as a high school field trip. This was my first field trip since 8th grade lol. It was kind of stressful. If anyone doesn’t know, a college fair is a place where students go to meet 100+ colleges with their booths set up in a reception hall or building. Well, there were 300+ colleges at this fair and there were so many buildings. The guide said there were 3 buildings but it felt like there were 10. (If you think 10 is an exaggeration I was about to say 20) Plus schools from all around the county came, so that’s 20+ schools. And you know what the worst part of it was? We only had 90 minutes. Plus we had to go in this alone. Well not alone alone, I was with my best friend. At first, we were both lost. Lol we actually walked out of one building and then walked into the same building but from a different side. But honestly, having her by my side gave me sanity and she made sure I got to go to the booths that interested me. If she wasn’t there I would just be hiding in a bathroom somewhere. I wish I had more time but I think I got enough brochures from colleges and settled on going to a college close to home or close to my state.

The day before the college fair, my friend literally saved me. I was stressed because I just had a meeting with my counselor about college. And there are SO MANY THINGS you have to do before applying. I mean it’s not just the SAT and a recommendation letter. So my friend helped me narrow down what I should be based on what I want to be and she gave me this website (lol she said that applying for the website was my homework) which will help me narrow down my choices and see where I should go.

Phoenix. I haven’t really been talking about him much. Well, not as much as I used to. I used to give weekly updates on everything going with him. Well, trust me, things are still very much complicated. He’s become a better texter time-wise. Last Sunday, he replied more than 5 times, on. the. same. day. So that helps my feelings. Then this past Monday, he saw me on the staircase at school and he tells me that he wants to hang out with me over Spring Break and we should text each other about it. I don’t really think it’s going to happen because I am still a girl with Indian parents. But, I mean, he really wants to hang out with me? And then he tells me little things while texting me that just make my heart want to explode. He’s doing something to me, I don’t know.

So, while texting, he said that our small interactions (because we barely see each other face-to-face, but sometimes we see each other for a few seconds) make his day. And he likes seeing me and teasing me. I told him that if it makes his day then mission accomplished and I like seeing him too. The teasing could be minimized though but I still like it. Then he tells me that he knew I liked the teasing and I told him I just said that so I wouldn’t sound too mean. And then he said your smile tells me otherwise. I don’t know it’s just things like that…. and then the fact that even though we barely see each other he doesn’t let go like everyone else so easily does. He actually tries in our friendship. I don’t want to ruin a great friendship.

But I mean he’s perfect. He’s perfect for a girl with anxiety. He told me that he doesn’t like parties. We were planning to go to a school play together but he couldn’t go, and he texted me saying that instead of going to the school play we should’ve gone somewhere where we could watch the beautiful sunset. ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME. Life really isn’t giving me a break. At least give me someone I can d.i.s.a.g.r.e.e. with. Then I told him that my dream one day is to just get away from the city and the people and the loudness and just look up at all the stars and their beauty, how I’ve never seen but a handful of stars and I wanna change that. And you know what he said?? Please, guess. I’ll give you a second.

Did you try? Please at least give it a try?

Ok, I won’t push you anymore. He said finally something great about you (he jokes around with me a lot don’t take this part seriously) that should be our goal for the summer or before the semester ends. We should make it happen. Yep. Yep. Yep. Of course, now it’ll be so easy to convince myself that we’re just friends (catch the sarcasm?) It’s like this past week I’ve just fallen deeper. Literally, the moment after I said I want to move. on. Hello Life, are you listening?

I don’t want to fall deeper. At least I don’t think I want to. I mean yes, he’s a great guy. He says so many sweet things. But he also friend zones me a lot. And I don’t know how much I can read between the lines before I just sdklfjlsdkf (that was me blowing up). And honestly, liking him isn’t good for me. It gives me so much anxiety. Plus, I hate some random girl I don’t even know just because she’s his ex-girlfriend and best friend. What is wrong with me? I didn’t even realize I was so absorbed in this nature of jealousy. I don’t know anything about this girl to hate her, apart from the fact that she was in my biology class last year for one semester, but I didn’t even pay that much attention to her (because if I did it would be weird, she was just another high school classmate) so I can’t even say she’s a bad person. Because she’s not. Yes, it hurts seeing them together but that doesn’t mean I have to hate this girl- which is what I’ve been doing for the past few months. And I hate hating people. I don’t want to hate her just because of my heart.

I just want to focus on myself. I need to. I need to think about who I want to be where I want to go in life. For one second I need to think of my well-being instead of worrying about what others think about me. I need to make sure I feel loved by myself and I’m proud of my own achievements.

This is why I’m excited about spring break. I’m just so ready for a break. I’m ready to destress for a little bit and take care of myself. Today itself, I took a nice shower and painted my nails and watched a movie. That might not seem like much, but it was a lot for me. I took care of myself. I did what makes me happy. I could forget about my worries for a second, and I think that’s all that matters right now.

«Music Friday»

One Time by Marian Hill

I’m so obsessed with Marian Hill. Their music is different from anything I usually listen to, which is why I love it. I first hear about them when they did a song with Lauren Jauregui, from my favorite band. Then I just started listening to that song on youtube in piano class and the autoplay thing on youtube was on and I was too lazy to stop it so I just listened to their music. One of the best decisions I’ve made. If you like this song, you should stream their whole album on Spotify, it gives you chills.

TRNDSTTR by Black Coast (Lucian Remix)

Hope you enjoy, have a great weekend everyone!

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A Setback Doesn’t Have to Be a Setback

This previous Saturday, my best friend and I planned to go to our school’s reenactment of “The Wizard of Oz.”

So we asked our parents, got ready, and went to school on a Saturday night.

When we got to the school there was a line of people buying their last-minute tickets. Of course, even though we were students, we were those last-minute people. Lol I blame it on our Indian genes.

I didn’t think that there would be a problem buying our tickets right before it started because we’ve done it before and we got into the auditorium- so why wouldn’t it work this time?

Well, long story short, the tickets got sold out because there were no seats left in the auditorium. It was the last showing of the play, I guess everyone waited until the last show date to see it.

Of course, my heart sunk. Me: with the un-surprised shock of being let down was ready to crawl into my dark hole and call this night a failure. But, my best friend couldn’t care less. She wanted to go see the play last week, but she wasn’t feeling it this week. Honestly her not caring saved the night.

While I was all hopeless and disappointed she said that we should just go get some hot chocolate from McDonald’s and have a movie night. Maybe even watch the new Beauty and the Beast movie.

So we did do exactly that. We went to McDonald’s and got some dinner and then went back home and watched 2 movies.

Concerning this night, I thought of the tickets being sold out as a setback while my best friend saw it as an opportunity to have a movie night, one we haven’t had since the summer.

A setback doesn’t necessarily mean a setback. Yes, things might not have turned out the way I planned but isn’t spontaneity better?

If my best friend and I did get the last two tickets, they would’ve been either far away from the stage or far away from each other.

Honestly, having a conversation with my best friend in McDonald’s, helping her with her anxiety of crossing the street, walking in the dark together finally getting a sense of freedom and independence, having a short dance session with Spotify, laughing and commenting as we watch the movies, and spending time together feels better than sitting in our school’s auditorium hardly talking to each other struggling to see a play.

A setback seems horrible at first; I was ready to go into my darkness as soon as I registered the words “Sold out” but I didn’t. Because a setback just turned into an opportunity.

And you can make setbacks into opportunities. 

Try thinking outside of the box. Stop planning every waking moment of your life. Be open to spontaneity and setbacks. You never know, they could lead to happiness. Pure happiness.

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names.names.names.

Your name makes you the person that you are.

It’s your identity, your label, it’s you.

All those other names don’t seem to fit right to the one that you hold forever.

As humans, we tend to get tired of mundane things. Like playing a certain game, listening to one song on repeat, or wearing the same outfit for a long time. It gets boring after a while.

But we never get bored of our name, at least I hope you don’t- because it’s you.

I know some people might even hate their name and are hoping to change it, but I could never see myself doing that. It’s like I would be deleting or erasing a piece of myself. Because Rebecca is who I am.

But, it’s not only our first name that identifies us, it’s all of them: First name, middle name, last name, nickname… Let’s break it down:

  • First name- The name your parents, relatives, etc. chose for you, and they didn’t want it second they liked it so much they wanted it first. It’s what they saw in you the first day you were born, it’s what they could imagine screaming when you get in trouble and what they could imagine crying to when your principal called you up for your diploma. They might’ve gone through a list of names, but they chose this one or, they always imagined their future kids being named this.
    • I remember my brother telling me that my dad was going to call me “Robin.” Thank goodness he didn’t, I mean Robin is nice but it’s hard to see myself as a Robin. Instead, they chose Rebecca named after Rebekah in the Bible and I’m  so happy they chose that over Robin.
  • Middle Name(s)- The name with all the special meaning. It’s second but there’s a second meaning to this name. It could either also be the name of a family member, your parent’s best friend’s name, your mom’s maiden name, etc. You may have one or you may have a lot. You may not even have one- that’s ok too sometimes I forget I even have a middle name lol.
    • I don’t love my middle name as much as I love who gave it to me. My aunt gave it to me. I just like the idea that my extended family took part in giving me my name; they cared so much to give me the name that I have.
  • Nickname(s)– The name your friends, family, and close ones call you by. This name is special too because only people who you’re close with call you this name. They’ve known you for a long time to call you by this name.
    • On the day I was born my brother gave me the nickname “Sissy” And not like in the way that people use that word like, “He’s such a sissy.” Sissy as in sister. And almost all of my family members call me by that name and I just think it’s so endearing. None of my friends call me that, it’s kind of reserved for my family. I don’t care that my nickname is a whole different meaning, it just really means a lot that my brother thought up this name to give me an identity to my family. And the mere fact that he gave me a nickname in the first place means a ton.
  • Last name- The name that might not be individually unique, but it’s family unique. Your last name holds so much more than a few letters. It holds a history, a generation, a lineage. It holds your family’s pasts. It shows where your family comes from and why they have the name that they have. It’s very special. It’s also the name that you might change or hyphen because you’ve fallen in love. Either way, it’s special and your last name holds your life story.

Names are more than just names. They hold so much depth; that’s why I love names so much. They’re so so so special because it’s part of who you are. It makes you, you. Could you imagine yourself in another name?

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