I really have been busy.
I’m still trying to figure out my life schedule.
Honestly, my sleeping is a big question mark.
Today, I didn’t have class but I took a nap for 2 hours even though I wasn’t really planning to or even really tired?
So bear with me as I try to figure out how blogging fits into my weird schedule.
So after two weeks, why not dive into the deep?
And by deep, I mean deep. So stay cautious.
I just thought about this a couple of minutes ago but what if one of my friends were to give up?
What if it was the last text, word, I love you… etc?
And I know this is unnecessarily dark but it’s the reality of life at the same time.
It’s the stigmatization that scares us so we never really talk about it.
But I don’t know one of these days, what if that friend who needs our help isn’t just going through a bad page in their book?
I mean I know one of my friends who lost one of her friends to suicide and I never really grasped the subject until now.
One of my friends, I gave her the name Aikra in the past, on my blog.
Aikra called me yesterday at 2 A.M.
So I asked why she called and she told me she was going through some stuff so I told her to call me after school.
She never called but we texted some.
Then she was supposed to call today and I saw that she posted somewhere that someone needed to drive to her so she doesn’t do something risky.
At this point, I got scared.
I texted her “Are you okay?”
At this point, I wasn’t scared.
Then she said “Yeah I”m fine thanks bby”
But after that text, she sends “Ily”
It’s not weird for her not to spell out I love you, she rarely does. It kinda scared me that she said I love you.
Because isn’t it a pattern for people who are about to do something bad they randomly declare statements of affection to those they love?
So that “Ily” scared me.
Because for the first time I realized, it could happen.
And it literally made my heart sink at just the thought of losing anybody I loved and not being able to be there or they felt like I wasn’t there.
I remember in middle school, maybe. One of my best friends showed a lot of signs of depression. She doesn’t talk about her feelings much or really anything until I or someone else pushes. She’s the type of person to use a safety pin or something to make marks on her wrist (Which she did do once).
She scares me a lot.
Because she gets in her head a lot. Like me, but to a deeper extent. A scarier extent.
So one day I just sat on my floor and prayed to God that she won’t make the decision to take her life. I still need her.
And that moments was years ago.
She’s still here, thank God.
But life is just so precious.
It only takes a second, a millisecond, for things to happen.
Things happen without your control.
Things happen without your say.
And as someone who’s thought about “How would other people feel if I wasn’t here?” numerous times it scares me.
Because what/who scars us, hurts us, throws us, deletes us, bruises us so much we believe the only way out is to ultimately… to be gone?
This is a subject I’m still learning every day about, so I’m going to tread lightly.
But I’m glad I didn’t listen to those wavering thoughts. I’m glad I just cried myself to sleep. I’m glad I just prayed to God.
Some moments, I’m not so glad. I’m not happy about where my path leads. I’m scared of SO MUCH.
But in the end, I’m happy I made it this far.
And I would feel so broken if someone I love wasn’t happy.
If they thought the only way out was to give up.
I never want to have that feeling again, but I know sometimes I have to drop everything I’m doing to listen to someone who needs me.
And I have no complaints about that.
Since I’m slowly starting to revert back to my blog, why not start doing Music Friday’s again. So Music Friday is just when I would share what music I’ve been obsessed with this week.
- Let Me Down Slowly – Alec Benjamin ft. Alessia Cara
- All of the Love in the World – Lily Kershaw