11.22.17 Ice Skating… Never Again

So why don’t we start with a positive story?

I was still kinda posting when this happened but I never wrote about it.

So this day was a half day because it was the day of Thanksgiving break. So my friends and I made a plan to go ice skating, and you know how in those high school movies there’s always that cliche hangout place that they have? Well, ours is downtown. Literally, anything is Downtown. You can’t go Downtown without seeing someone from school. All the teenagers go there to hang out. Well, Downtown has an ice skating rink. So we planned to go ice skating.

But like every teenager plan, this one wasn’t thought out completely. It was a last minute thing. So most of us were on edge whether we should go or not.

I went. One of our friends said she would go home first then come. Most of us went. Since it was a half day our lunch period was the last period of the day so we could just roam around the school. But one of our friend’s had classes during the last period so instead of getting on the bus Downtown we waited for her so she wouldn’t come on the bus alone.

When her class ended she went to the bus stop and we went to go meet up with her. So the funny thing is, she’s Phoenix’s best friend. If you don’t know who Phoenix is (click here) but I’m not friends with her because of that. She’s actually really chill and sweet. Since this was a few days after I told him I liked him, she asked me how it went. She was really sweet about the whole thing and helped me with my overthinking that day.

The bus took like 10 minutes to come. But two of my friends didn’t make it on and the bus driver was like wait for the next one. But our friend has this pact “No man left behind” so if they went out we all had to go out and wait for the next bus altogether. It’s a really sweet pact that they established before my best friend and I became part of the group.

So my friends and I just sat on the bus bench talking. We laughed a lot. I’m so blessed to have the friends that I have. I am also blessed to be short lol. This is one of the instances. Because two of my friends didn’t mind that I was putting my feet in one’s lap and resting my head on the other’s shoulder. Literally, they didn’t mind. Those are friends lol. Then another bus came after 20 minutes and it was crowded too. But we all made it on.

I didn’t plan on ice skating because I was sick and spending time outside really wasn’t the move for me. My other friend didn’t plan on ice skating either cause she was traumatized by it (her best friend cut his face with the blade once) so we went to chipotle together and our other friends decided to go to the ice skating place first. We both shared one burrito to save money lol.

After we both ate, we met our friends at the skating rink. They were lacing up their skates and told us that it would cost 14 bucks to skate. Fourteen. Well, I am like an influenced submisser (new world). If my friends persuade me enough, I will agree to literally anything. They don’t even have to do much. I honestly don’t know what even happened but it worked. I think my submissive influenced my traumatized friend to submit too.

Ok tying the laces was its’ own challenge in itself. My friend had to help me out. Our friends already started skating for 20 minutes before the both of us got there too.

Let me tell you… I knew I was gonna fall. But I didn’t know I was gonna fall the second I got on the ice.

Yes, you read that right. I fell the second I got on the ice. Sooner better than later, right? Lol blame it on my experienced skater friend, she said she got me but she did not have me.

She was the only one out of us who knew how to skate. Our other two friends were learning while holding onto the rail. I was struggling. Being on the ice is scary. It’s definitely not like roller skating. Cause… I don’t know ice is scarier. It’s already cold and the blades don’t really have a grip unless your feet are in the right position.

Dude, it’s even hard walking on the mat thing before getting on the ice. But once you get off the ice and onto the mat you realize it’s easier. But yeah I was struggling.

I was the slowest out of all my friends lol, I didn’t know how to ice skate but I got a little faster by the end.

I took a lot of breaks lol but I still had a lot of fun. Even though it felt like the 14 dollars was a scam. I paid 14 dollars for my suffering…

I think if we go ice skating another time I’ll be just like our other friend who came and just walked outside the rink with us cause she didn’t want to skate.

But yeah, the friends I made are actually friends. I have my own friend group and they’ve really been helping me. They’re the reason why this one certain thing (that story is coming soon PROMISE) isn’t getting to me because the happiness I experience with them is greater than any other happiness I was expecting out of that certain story and I’m just so grateful.

I’m grateful for all of the fake friends and bad relationships I’ve been through. Because if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t know the happiness of having friends would feel like. I wouldn’t be as grateful for the happiness if I didn’t go through the darkness first.

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2018: roses.

Am I posting consistently? Idk but that’s what it looks likeee.

Let’s not jinx it lol.

So today’s post was gonna be a story but before I tell the stories of what’s been going on in the past 2 months I wanted to just talk about what 2018 means to me.

It’s weird that this is going to be my starting post since the stories I have to tell you guys are mostly stories before 2018 began. But I think the mentality I have in 2018 will explain where I stand concerning the stories.

Confused yet? It’s okay I would be too.

So yesterday, when I said that when 2018 began it was like I opened a new book… I honestly wasn’t kidding. The minute 2018 began it’s like I could begin fresh. I could start over. I didn’t have to excuse the same crap I used to. I didn’t have to let fake people in anymore if I didn’t want to. I could stop talking to people who gave me anxiety.

Starting a new year was a regular cliche for me. It was as if I started being a new person.

Last year, I was obsessed with the moon. I mean I’ve always loved the moon. I started to put the little moon emoji on all of my social media accounts next to my name. The moon kind of became my icon.

But recently, I’ve been really obsessed with roses. Idk why lol.

I still love the moon- don’t get me wrong.

But as weird as this sounds, I think a rose describes the situation I’m in.

You’ll know more about that situation in probably a few days.

But for now, I’ll tell you that I had to let in this pain that I didn’t want to let in and I had to feel it and then choose to be happy.

I don’t know something about a rose… roses are just so beautiful but so deceiving at the same time.

Deceiving as in they’re pretty but they have thorns.

Like even with the thorns, the scars, it’s still beautiful. Through all the walls it might keep up, it’s still beautiful and it still grows.

Plus it might be because red is my favorite color lol.

So for 2018, I’ve been contributing my year so far to a rose.

The rose symbolizes my healing process.

It indicated that I chose to live…

that I chose happiness.

And I can make it through even when sometimes I don’t want to.

One of my favorite YouTubers has this clothing line with hoodies that have the phrase “good enough” with guess what by the words? A rose.

And on the pocket of the hoodie, it has the words “Growth begins with accepting yourself as enough.”

If that doesn’t scare you yet, he said this when posting about a re-stock of the hoodies: “Be yourself and know that that’s good enough.”

And that’s basically the mental state my mind has been in since the year started.

I want to be good enough, I want to accept myself, I don’t want to depend on someone else to tell me my worth.

I’m good enough.

That’s something I’ve been working on in 2018.

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stay tuned.

Let me be honest with you guys…

I honestly don’t know where this blog is headed.

In the past, I’ve used this blog as a platform for my feelings and thoughts.

But I haven’t used it in a long time.. because I don’t really need it anymore.

Why?

Because I have friends who I can honestly vent to.

I didn’t have that in the past.

But I do now.

But this blog… I don’t want to give up on it cause it’s a piece of me.

It’s been my rock sometimes when I’ve wanted to give up.

Basically it was the one thing I held onto sophomore year.

I’m not capable of giving up on it.

But you know, life gets in the way sometimes.

But I don’t want to use the excuse of time because there are moments where I’m free and bored when I could be doing something productive like working on my music or writing a blog post *cough cough*

But you know those days when you don’t have inspiration or feel like you have nothing to say?

I’ve felt like that.

But boy, do I have a BUNCH of stories for you guys. I’ve learned so much in the past 2 months.

And one of the reasons I made this blog is to be able to look back at who I was and see how much I’ve grown.

I’ve found out who’s really there for me, how other people can have other intentions, how nothing lasts forvever, how choosing to be happy and focusing on the positive can change your life for the better.

Starting 2018 was really like opening a new book for me. I’m not letting the old bullshit get to me. I’m working on myself.

And yes, I’m not happy all the time. I still go into my depressive hole for reasons I don’t understand sometimes. But I’ve learned it’s okay when that happens. Because I might need to feel the rain first before the sunshine.

So lol where am I going with this?

I just wanna say that no, I haven’t given up on this blog and stories are coming soon that I need to type out. But no promises because nothing is sure and let’s be honest, I get distracted and lazy lol.

But we’ll see, okay?

How are you guys doing? Any stories?

If anyone wants to contact me or anything let me know, I’m more active outside my blog and I’ll love to catch up.

But yes, stay tuned!

2017 Lessons

I know, I know. I kinda keep disappearing. But I’ve been doing this post at the end of the year since I started this blog and who would I be to break tradition?

So, are you ready?

Here’s what I’ve learned this year:

  • Yes, change hurts. But in the end, it really is good for you.
    • At the beginning of this year, I remember the transition of my first semester of my junior year into the second semester was really heartbreaking. Because I made really good friends first semester that I had to say goodbye to. The worst thing was when I had the same class, same teacher, same period… but it was different because no one that I knew was there. It was like a trippy alternate dimension. The change of that was really hard to get over. But by the time second semester, I had so many good friends that I love and trust. It was heartbreaking change but in the end, it was fine.
  • Things aren’t in your control. It’s not your fault.
    • I remember I used to blame myself because of this one situation that involved my best friend. I didn’t go with her somewhere and she got hurt emotionally. I blamed myself because I didn’t go with her. But it’s not my fault. Things happen the way they do to others (ex. your family, friends, etc.) because they have lessons life is teaching them too. You aren’t God. It’s not in your hands. It’s not your fault.
  • Once you take a jump, it gets easier.
    • I BEGAN TO DRIVE ON THE ROAD AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS YEAR. And look at me now, I drove a van packed with my friends. We went on the freeway… twice. I used to be petrified of driving and now it’s better. I still get freaked here and there I’m not an A+ driver. But I don’t get too anxious anymore.
  • Friendships don’t last forever. And that’s okay. Nothing lasts forever.
    • This one, I had to learn the hard way. And the worst part is, it wasn’t only one occurrence. I lost a good amount of friendships this year. I’m still struggling with the “don’t blame yourself” part. Because I still do that. But it takes two to make a friendship (or more if we’re talking about a group friendship). If you’ve done all you could, cared so much for them and they didn’t feel the same way about you… what can you do? If it feels like you’re a weight to someone, make it easier for them. Sometimes cutting people out is for the best. If someone was holding onto your legs as you tried to fly wouldn’t you shake them off? Save the caring for someone who deserves it and will treat you better. It’s not your fault. Sometimes, the best things come back to us. And if they don’t, it’s not what was best for our lives.
  • Parents don’t do certain things to spite you.
    • I’ve understood more about parents, not only mine but others. Sometimes it seems like parents are punishing us more so than loving us and wanting us to be happy. But sometimes they just want to see us safe, they want us to achieve higher. But never doubt that your parents want you to be happy. More than anything.
  • Choose happiness.
    • This is the phrase I uttered over and over the other day when I was in one of my holes. To be honest, it was hard not being dragged into a darker tunnel but somehow that phrase made it easier. No, it’s not easy to choose happiness when your mind is involved. But happiness doesn’t take one easy step. A lifetime of difficult for a lifetime of happiness.
  • You can be wrong about someone.
    • Also learned this one the hard way. You might feel like you know a person, you might’ve even started to get to know them and think you have their mentality figured out. Then they pull the rug out from under you and leave you lost. Someone doesn’t stay the same way forever. The person who used to give you incomparable happiness can become the person who gives you the worst overthinking.
  • Don’t base your worth on numbers.
    • You are worth more than a number. If you were a number, you would be infinity. Because measly numbers can’t define your worth and the amazing person that you are.
  • God is always with me (Religious lesson)
    • I know, not everyone here is religious but this is my own personal lesson. I had to keep reminding myself that even in my lowest places, God was there to pick me up. And he wouldn’t give me life just to see me want to die.
  • Don’t let opinions make you mad.
    • Everyone has a personal opinion. They have their own beliefs, rights, etc. Don’t fight someone on theirs. Try to see it from their point of view and don’t be angry about it. We wouldn’t all be who we were if we weren’t different from each other.
  • It’s not cliché to love yourself.
    • It’s actually the best love you can have. How do you expect to love someone else if you can’t even love the person staring back at you?
  • Yes, anxiety can ruin a relationship but the other person should be able to understand.
    • If they don’t, don’t keep them in your life. It only becomes a burden trying to make them understand something that goes over their head.
  • Hurt and pain is a part of life.
    • I wouldn’t know what joy would be like without strife. I wouldn’t be humble. Yes, it’s going to hurt. But it’s going to hurt for the better.
  • Hope isn’t hopeless.
    • You can rise. Even out of your darkest moments. The rain can’t last forever.
  • YOU will always be your biggest fan.
    • No one will ever support you more than yourself. You’re your own number one fan and worst enemy. You’re the only person who knows what’s going on in your life. All your stress, your fears, your hopes, your dreams, your everything. Don’t hate the one person who can and will always love you no matter what.
  • The impossible is possible.
    • I had so much anxiety over college applications and not being accepted into the colleges I want to go to. But guess what! I got accepted into all the colleges I wanted to go to. I had intense anxiety for nothing. It is possible.
  • Everything can change in a mere day.
    • So much can happen. Don’t be dragged into a cycle because the unexpected can jump out at you.
  • Emotions aren’t weak.
    • They only remind you that you’re human. And you have to remember to feel your emotions, and remember not to shut yourself out.
  • It’s not wimpy to scream.
    • If you need help, tell someone. It doesn’t show weakness, it shows strength. It shows that you want to get help and want to be taken out of the current state you’re in. People don’t always have the best time reading signs.
  • Don’t read into signs/signals.
    • Signs/signals do not come out of the person’s mouth, they come out of your mind’s presence involving the situation. Do not solely build your beliefs on signals. Sometimes a person can be fake and your mind can be wrong.
  • You can’t open up to everyone.
    • And that’s okay. The people you can open up to will be there for you.
  • Words don’t make a person, actions do.
    • Woh, I big thing I learned this year is that someone can say a ton of bullshit that means so much to you that actually has no meaning for the other person. Words are great. But they aren’t reliable, how they treat you with their actions is what’s important. Remember, people can put on such a facade when they’re texting you.
  • A setback doesn’t have to be a setback.
    • I remember one time, my friend and I were supposed to go see a school play. So we went to school Saturday night but the tickets were sold out. So instead we went to get dinner and we went to my friend’s house and watched a movie. The setback actually seemed better than our ordinary plans. Sometimes a setback can be a path for another opportunity.
  • The future isn’t scary.
    • This year alone, I applied to college(s), got my license, took the SAT, became a senior and turned 18. Growing up seems scary but it’ll be okay.
  • If someone has treated you like shit in the past, they’ll keep treating you like shit.
    • Does this need an explanation? Even if you tell them they’ve been hurting you they’ll continue to hurt you, even if it’s unintentional.
  • Don’t blame yourself for your emotions/feelings.
    • You’re only human.
  • Fighting isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.
    • Fighting for your life is so hard. But think about the end result.
  • Yes, you can talk to that person
    • Whether it be your crush or an authority figure. I remember before this year I was so scared of my counselor. I never said a word to him and never visited him. But I’ve actually talked to him more than once this year and it isn’t as bad as my mind concocted. He helped me with my schedule and made sure that my doubts about the college process were dealt with.
  • Something can mean so much to you, but not to the other person.
    • And that’s okay. It only makes you who you are.
  • Don’t put others on a high pedestal if they don’t deserve to be there.
    • Save it for someone who deserves it and is worthy of it.
  • Anxiety can be worked through.
    • I took small steps to conquer my anxiety. It wasn’t anything big that was able to take it away but it was little things. They might not be life-changers but trust me, once you took a small step to conquer it, you’ll feel amazing after it’s done.
  • You can move on from moments of deep darkness.
    • You can. It won’t be easy but no one ever said it would be. It takes time to heal scars but it’s okay, you’re not alone.
  • Don’t force a relationship if your thoughts and perceptions of the person are what you have to believe in instead of the person itself.
    • If the person doesn’t show you who they really are then what’s making you stick around?Don’t stay just to be burned.
  • You don’t have to be “chill” all the time.
    • If something utterly pisses you off, let it piss you off.
  • Love is more than just blood.
    • I realized this year that family is just a title if the love isn’t really there. Love is love. It shouldn’t be because you happen to be related and share the same blood.
  • IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO SOMEONE SAY IT. DON’T PLAY NO GAMES.
    • This year, I told my crush I liked him. It was the first time I did something like that. I honestly couldn’t have done it if my friends weren’t there for me. But I literally went through a year of feelings for nothing. I could’ve told him the truth sooner. It could’ve saved SO MUCH time. So trust me, if you have something to say to someone say it. People don’t really read signs all that well. Life is too damn short, yes I’m saying that cliche. But really, it’s not the end of the world. You’ll make it through.
  • You are enough and you don’t need a significant other to prove that.
    • No explanation for this one either.

That’s all! That’s probably not all the lessons I’ve learned, but those are the ones from my blog this year. And I’m gonna copyright myself from last year when I say this but: Remember that even though it might seem like 2018 can’t get here fast enough (it’s already here lol), remember the experiences that have made you different from the person you were in 2016. Yes, 2016. Ew. Remember that year? Lol. Dang, that’s 2 years now, I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I do that.

Happy new year guys! Cheers to us for making it through!

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you are enough. and you don’t need a signifcant other to prove that.

As a quiet, observant teenager I notice a lot of things.

I see stories, I see people, I see things no one else sees.

But there’s one specific thing I’ve seen that really bothers the hell out of me.

And that specific thing, I’ve seen in the actions of my own generation, in kids of my own age… in me.

Teenagers have built a toxic mentality when it comes to having or falling for a significant other. 

I’ve seen it in television, in my friends, and as I said before, in me.

You see, when I was falling for Phoenix I did things I’m not proud of: I put him in the forefront of my mind. 

The only texts I cared about was his.

The only smile I cared to see was his.

The only person I wanted to hug was him.

There was even a time when I used to pick my friend up after her first period last year and half of the reason why I wanted to was because he was in her class (half, I still wanted to see my friend… but that doesn’t justify my mentality).

But it’s not only me who does this.

In the past week only, I’ve seen my friends do it too.

My best friend, Luna, has liked her crush for 3 years. She’s a very closed off person and is very unemotional. So it’s hard to talk to her about things or have her talk about her feelings.

I don’t like her crush. He’s not good for her. And her mentality is truly toxic. She’s the type of person that, if she were to fall in love, she would love the guy 100%. And she would love him and not love herself, the only way she could love herself was if he loved her for herself… if that makes sense. And it pisses me off because she deserves so much more than a guy. But a guy and loving a guy is the only thing on her mind.

The only thing on our, teenagers, minds.

So I showed her something that hurt and she was unemotional about it. I asked her why she doesn’t care and she told me she’s pretty much unemotional about things… unless it involves her family or him. Him. Basically, she said she doesn’t care about anything unless it involves this guy. That made me mad.

Not only at her, but for her. Because her mentality is so focused on a guy that she doesn’t even realize the toxicity of it.

But I can’t be mad at her because I used to be her.

I mean Phoenix wasn’t the only thing that made me emotional over the past year, but whether I talked to him or not it determined my mood for the day sometimes.

And I couldn’t control it.

And another example, one of the many things Luna cares about it how fast her crush replies to her text. This week, he took 4 days to reply to a text of hers. That was pretty much one of the only things on her mind.

When she told me that (through text), I didn’t reply to her text.

Because of a text? Really? It’s only been 4 days. As long as you know he’s going to reply it’s all good. At least be thankful you know he’s going to reply.

She, again, pissed me off.

Why? Because she puts all of her efforts into pleasing this guy? Yes. But also I can see pieces of the girl I used to be in her. The pieces of a girl who was falling headfirst before thinking about herself; pieces of a girl before heartbreak, pieces of a girl who put a guy at the forefront of everything in her life.

And it scares me. Because I honestly can’t do anything for her. She knows what happened with Phoenix: all the heartbreak, overthinking, and tears. I even told her before that I don’t want her to feel the way I felt over Phoenix. But it won’t change her mentality. Because this guy is “all she has.” There’s no one falling for her. So she falls for the only person she can fall for in her life.

And I haven’t only seen this in Luna, but my other friends.

This week at lunch, one of my friends said that she wants a boyfriend. Because she wants someone to hold her, give her cute hugs and all that. Make her happy. My other friend, Hydra, agreed with her.

Why?

I don’t understand it. I mean, I do, I’ve lived through it. But why are we like this?

When my friend said she wanted hugs and happiness I thought, “Don’t we,  your friends, give that to you? Isn’t that enough?”

Isn’t it enough? Isn’t the love of friends and the love of yourself enough?

Why isn’t it enough? Why doesn’t it feel like it’s enough?

Why is it that as teenagers we always chase after someone? I know for a fact one of the reasons I wanted Phoenix so much was because I just wanted cute hugs and hand-holding. But can’t my friends give that to me?

Actually… my friends do give that to me. But the difference is, when they hug me I ACTUALLY feel safe and loved, something Phoenix has never made me feel. Because, as much as I can force myself to believe something that’s not true… at the end of the day, I can’t force him to care about me as much as I care about him.

And I’m learning to accept that.

I know. Most of my friends would yell at me for not trying harder with him because maybe if I tried a little harder he would be my boyfriend. I’m in a place with him that my friends would love to be in.

A crush who actually knows your name, your personality, and knows you for who you are.

But I don’t want more… anymore.

I don’t want to force something that isn’t there.

I’m not in a place where a boyfriend would be a good choice.

I’ve never been in a relationship. Personally, it scares me. And I don’t think jumping into one is the best choice. Especially if I am “right there.”

I want to love myself before being given the opportunity to love someone else. Because maybe if I told Phoenix sooner, we would be in a relationship and I would’ve eventually fallen in love with him. But it wouldn’t have been right, to him or me.

Because there are times when I still can’t look in a mirror and moments where I find it hard to love myself.

And that’s the problem.

Society has toxified our minds.

Making us think that the only way we can love ourselves and feel “complete” is if we had someone else, a significant other, to do it for us.

But how do you expect to love someone if you can’t even love yourself?

And what would you do with yourself if that person suddenly didn’t love you anymore? Would you suddenly not love yourself anymore? Because you weren’t enough?

What is it with us and thinking we aren’t enough?

We. Are. So. Enough. It’s. Actually. Inexplainable. How. Enough. We. Are.

Yes, having a significant other to hold and be happy with would be nice… but it shouldn’t be because we feel empty inside.

It should be because we feel whole and okay that we want to share that wholeness with someone else.

It shouldn’t be because we need to be saved.

Because that person’s purpose isn’t gonna be to save you. Only you can save yourself.

Our friends, family, ourselves… that’s enough.

Just because the person you really want to talk to isn’t talking to you doesn’t mean you should treat the actual people who love you like crap.

There are some incredible people that are here for you.

Don’t take them for granted just because that one boy or girl doesn’t like you.

We have our whole lives to live and to fall in love.

Do you really wanna think back and only remember the days that went by hoping some irrelevant crush texted you or not?

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11.09.17 Story Time: The Time I Told My Crush/Friend I Like Him

WOAH WOAH WAIT… is that… is that Rebecca? Is she back from the deep, dark blog depths? Has hopelesslystrong been brought back to life?

Well, lol, hopelesslystrong never died. If anything died it would be Rebecca’s blog skills which school killed.

And if you don’t know or remember who I am, I’m someone who loves to refer to themselves in the third person.

Lol, but really, how are you guys? It’s been a while! School really has been slowly killing me. It’s November and I already have senioritis. And yes, it’s bold because it’s scary.

I’ve been so busy with my college-level classes, college essays, financial aid for college, mental emotions, feelings, homework, ap classes, etc.

I haven’t had time to even pull up my blog… but here I am! Yes, I am still here and this blog is still prospering!

And boy, do I have a story for you.

One of the main reasons I started this blog was because I wanted to be able to visit this blog in the future and look back at old posts of who I was and the things I’ve accomplished. Like an online diary but better (I could never keep up with a diary).

Well as you read from the title, I did something I never thought I would ever do in my anxiety-filled life.

I told my crush/friend I have feelings for him.

And yes, this is the same guy I’ve ridden a rollercoaster for, for the past year: Phoenix.

Since maybe September, I’ve been thinking about telling him the truth but I always shut it down because hello? I have anxiety. I could never tell him. I could never imagine myself telling him. But as days passed, things got more difficult. Example?

Nah, I’ll give you examples.

I have a friend group now and I told them all about my feelings. All of them, well those who knew him, were telling me different perspectives of the story of him and his ex. The thing is, he’s best friends with his ex. They’re always together. And one friend told me, his ex still wants him and she’s lowkey obsessed with him. Another friend told me they’re just friends. A third friend told me they got back together. And all of it blew my mind. I just wanted to know whether I was ever anything to him. Or if I was just, what the kids call these days: a side piece.

I was confused by his actions. This is the same guy who broke my heart in the summer. Somedays it’s like I was talking to a wall. A tough, brick wall. And now that we’re back in school we’re okay again? I want to know where his head is at. If I did mean anything to him.

My mind was controlling me. Every interaction with him and I mean EVERY interaction had my mind thinking “He likes me” or “No he doesn’t like me.” And it was driving me i.n.s.a.n.e. Truly insane. Because his actions? They were the definition of mixed signals. He pushed me to a wall once… nope, twice. But not in a way that hurt me. And then last week, he saw me sad and he was like “No, we’re going to talk about why you’re so sad.”

And if you asked my close, CLOSE friends how many times I’ve told them/asked them if I should tell him or not… they would give you so many detailed descriptions and time stamps of an anxious, make-up-your-mind Rebecca who was really lost.

So last week Friday, I took the one opportunity I had to ask him to talk. My friend, Hydra (yes, all my friends will have star names) and I stayed after school. We saw him walking somewhere. He started walking with me while Hydra walked ahead. He asked me where I was going and I told him. He hugged me and told me to “Be Safe.” He was about to leave but I just took that opportunity because I really didn’t know what I was going to text him to ask him to talk because I lowkey don’t like virtual him. So I turned back around and asked “Is there a day we could talk? I need to tell you something.” And he asked “When? Next week?” And I said “Yeah, any day.” He started thinking of days. Thank goodness he didn’t ask me why. He said “Thursday” but he wasn’t sure yet. He was really doubtful. He’s a really busy person. And he’s canceled on me last minute before. So I didn’t really believe that we were going to talk Thursday.

But I was still proud of myself because I made a split-second decision without overthinking it. I actually asked him to talk. 

But there was the hard part: Actually telling him.

All week long, I was anxious about it but at the same time, I wasn’t. Because I wasn’t really sure it was actually going to happen. It didn’t feel real. I mean it was me. Rebecca. Anxiety. Nervous. Worried. Rebecca. Who has never even thought of telling past crushes she liked them. Or even thought she would tell this crush she liked him. And the thought of actually telling him? I could picture it but only as a daydream. And I knew it wasn’t going to be as dramatic as my mind played it out to be.

But then we saw each other on Tuesday and I posted a video of my singing on Snapchat and he commented on it saying “I finally did it” and that made me smile because I’m really shy about my singing. He confronted me about it telling me that it was good and he wanted to hear more. This conversation happened after school, at a school club, that two of my friends: Lyra and Ethasia founded. (They are apart of the story too. They were the ones I group texted after I asked him for a day. They’re close friends with him and are sort of one of the only honest plugs to information about him and his ex and they’re really supportive and give great hugs. They’re best friends with each other) Majority of my friends were at this club including Hydra, another friend, Kara, and Phoenix’s best friend (not his ex) Linx. His best friend is a girl just so you know and she is friends with my friends which is why I started to become friends with her. But she’s also friends with Phoneix’s ex.

Do you see why everything started getting frustrating for me? Everyone is literally connected in their last year of high school. My friends would hang out with Linx which would mean Phoenix and his ex would be there. And it didn’t help my situation. I would barely talk or even look at Phoenix because his ex is honestly scary… anyway,

I didn’t want Linx to know about liking him because I didn’t know her that well. I thought she would tell Phoenix. AND I thought she would tell his ex. So no thanks.

After I had a conversation with Phoneix about my singing, which Hydra witnessed she went back in the room and said loudly to Kara, “That sexual tension though.” And he was literally r.ig.h.t. t.h.e.r.e. I yelled at her and she said she didn’t recognize his back profile and thought he was a girl because of his stance. I was still shaking inside and hit her. Then the club started but I could barely pay attention. I wasn’t sitting with him. I was sitting with Kara, Linx, Hydra, and another one of their friends. While he was sitting on the other side with his ex.

But they’re not together.

And Hydra still exposed me. She told Kara what happened and the friend and especially Linx heard. Then Hydra told Linx I was in love with him. And I was like “WOAH WOAH wait hold up, I am not in love with him. I just like him.” And Linx asked me, “So are you in love or do you just like him?” And I confirmed that I just liked him. I hit Hydra a lot after that and yelled at her. But I found out that our other friends Magi and my best friend Luna already exposed my secret to Linx earlier that day.

But she’s chill. She told me she wasn’t going to tell him. She asked me, “Are you going to tell him?” and I said, “Yeah, maybe Thursday.” She smiled and gave me a fist bump. She told me she would’ve tried to get information from me but it would have been obvious since he knows Linx and I are friends now. Plus, I didn’t need it since I was gonna tell him later that week, right? The funny thing is, she saw us when Phoenix and I were talking earlier and she “sensed” that something was there. But all my friends are just extra.

I told her a couple of things; when I started liking him, the park, the library. And she told me that he’s 100% single and he told his ex he’s not interested in her anymore. But what did that do for me?

Did I still like him? He’s done a lot of shit to me. And the main reason I wanted to tell him was so that I could move on hopefully since all of it would be out there and I wouldn’t have to overthink anymore. But I didn’t know what I wanted at this point. He was single and I was gonna tell him I like him… or liked him? I didn’t even know. I vented to Lyra about it and she eased me. But I was still scared.

Then the next day, Wednesday, came: Phoenix confirms that he can do Thursday. Lyra and Ethasia were ecstatic and told me they believed in me. This was one of the reasons I could tell him. Because I had such a great support system behind me. Even if he did break my heart, so many people would be there for me. The panic started but it was only Wednesday. The worry can wait for Thursday.

At this point, I told my friend group about confronting him Thursday and bless, cause of that great support system. Kara and Hydra said they would be at the library (lowkey spying lol) while I talked to him (if that was where he and I were going to talk) supporting me.

Thursday comes. It’s a half day at my school because the quarter is over. We got out at noon which gives more time to hang out after school. (Since it’s winter, the days are shorter here) I was nervous. But I didn’t feel the heart palpitations until I saw him.

I didn’t see him during school which is kind of a good thing because I was already freaking out.

Lunch was my last period and all my friends were consoling me and asking me if I was ready and if I knew what I was going to say and I was like “Hell no. I’m freaking out. I’m  just going to wing it.” Then the bell rang. School was out and it was time to walk to the bus stop.

I walked with Hydra, Kara, and our friend Aikra (lol these names) who was going to meet her boyfriend at 3 so she came with us. We were all going downtown. They were all going to support me at the library.

He texted me and he told me we would meet up at 7eleven. But then my friends told me he was walking up to me. All three of them were facing the opposite direction that I was. And the way I was facing, my back was turned so I didn’t see him walking up… and I really didn’t want to turn around. I told them “Really? He is? I don’t want to turn around. I’m getting panicky. That feeling is starting in my chest.” I really felt anxious and I could feel it in my chest, my heart, my throat, everywhere. Then Hydra, and her extra self was like “Okay, guys turn around let them be.” Lol, they didn’t even say bye to me and I was like “Really, guys?”

So I had to turn around and face him. I really thought he would approach me when I was talking to my friends but he let me be until I finished talking to them. I turned around and he was smiling at me. Yep, I’m done. Already. He asked me what they were saying about him and I told them “They’re talking bad about you” as a joke lol.

So we walked in a different direction from my friends because he wanted to go to a bus stop that wasn’t really crowded. Because pretty much all the kids were going downtown after school (that’s the cliche hang out place that would be in movies). So we walked all the way to a different bus stop I didn’t even know of. It was f.r.e.e.z.i.n.g. My nose and fingertips get cold so easily. And all this boi was wearing was a jean jacket. I asked him, “You’re not cold?” And he said “No. Are you?” I was packed up like a marshmallow… Man I’m just realizing I could’ve used some great sarcasm. Dang it.

I got nervous because he didn’t know I wanted to tell him something specific. He thought I just wanted to hang out. So I started panicking, even more so than before. I texted Hydra, and then Ethasia and Lyra in a group chat.

Lol so we went to the bus stop and we were the only ones there. We had to wait for maybe 20 minutes in the cold. We talked about our classes and school. This fool forgot that we were in the same precalculus class and I got butthurt and he apologized lol. He said he told people he felt like someone was missing but no one believed him. We both talked about how we were utterly lost in AP Bio. I told him about the difficulty playing bar chords on the guitar. He asked me, “Is it cause of your short fingers?” and I defended myself saying “No it’s cause of the transitioning, I’m just not used to it. I’m getting better at it. ” He was shocked at me defending myself lol because I really DEFENDED myself. Then the bus came and we didn’t know if we had to pay or use our school id’s since school let out early. He said that he would talk to the bus driver lol but he said nothing. But they accepted it. Then when we reached the stops near our school, teens got on and the bus got packed AND loud. Lol, I lost Phoenix because I was sitting and he was standing. So when it got full he had to go all the way to the back of the bus. I was like “What? Where did he go?” But thankfully I went downtown before with some friends and knew when to get off. It gave me some time to myself. But the kids, they yelled. It was annoying. They were shouting to each other on the bus. And I looked back at this lady on the bus and her face read like, “Girl, these are your people.” And I was like “Please don’t associate me with them.”

Then we got off the bus when we reached downtown and he was already out by the time I got out. He was smirking. He made fun of the fact that he could block them out with earphones but I couldn’t because my earphones broke.

I texted Hydra and her, Kara, and Aikra reached downtown before we did so there would be no awkward encounters of seeing them at the library, right? Wrong. As soon as we got off the elevator, he said: “Look who it is.” And there stood my three friends and I immediately thought, “Oh shit.” So, this made him kind of suspicious he was like, “Oh so you were on your phone like telling them, ‘Guys we’re going to the library'” And I said, “Noooo I didn’t know they were coming to the library, I thought they were going ice skating.” We were gonna go ice skating, my friends and I, but we couldn’t do it at the last minute. So everyone went to the library.

So Phoenix and I went up the stairs to the kid’s floor of the huge library. Yes, the library is very huge and very chill. We had our first hang out here back in May… and now it’s November. These months just flew by.

So when we got there he asked me “Do you want to go to the bathroom? Go warm up your hands?” At first, I didn’t want to go but I needed the bathroom pep talk lol. But I couldn’t give myself one because a mom and her baby were there and the mom was already eyeballing me for some reason. It’s like she knew. Lol I’m just kidding. So I checked myself in the mirror and took deep breaths. Then after a minute, I went back to where he was sitting then he went to the bathroom. And again, I had time to think about how I was going to tell him the truth or if I even was going to.

He came back from the bathroom and it was funny cause he took longer than me. He came back and said: “She’s wondering why this guy is talking so long, right?”

I didn’t want to like jump right into it. Because I haven’t had a real conversation with him in a long time. I wasn’t even sure this guy was still there because for the past few months all we’ve been talking about were insults and fighting each other (he comes for my life for being short). I wanted to talk to him about life and stuff, plus I needed to ease into the conversation because I was hella scared about telling him. Because there he was. I’ve been thinking about this since the Friday I asked him for a day. Wait, not even since then, since like September when I vented to one of my OG best friends, Draco, venting to her about him and she told me the only way I could move on was if I told him the truth. Now there I was.

It was nice to talk to him again. We talked about simple stuff: life, friends, family, the movie “It,” etc.

He was sitting in a chair and I was sitting on a wood panel thing. Then we switched places cause my back was hurting. And lol, I didn’t know this, but Kara later told me that she and Hydra sneaked up on us while he was sitting in the chair and they saw us talking and Hydra was really loud. But THANK GOODNESS we both didn’t hear them because he would’ve gotten more suspicious. And he’s really good at body language, so if he noticed that my body language changed cause I heard Hydra, he would ask me what’s wrong. And for some reason, I don’t see a reason to lie to him when things happen with my friends or about anything really.

But I was freaking out throughout it. Because at one point, he mentioned the people he trusted and he listed Linx, then his ex, then this other guy friend. And I asked him if he still had feelings for his ex and he gave me this disgusted “No” like there was no smirk in it or smile or anything. He genuinely doesn’t have feelings for her anymore. But that was a reason I was freaking out. And another one was that we were talking about the show “Friends” and you guys know Chandler? The sarcastic one? Well Phoenix asked me, “Would you fall for a guy who makes sarcastic jokes like Chandler?” And I froze. I literally froze and didn’t say anything to him for 10 seconds and he was like “Wait, what happened? You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to.” And I was like “No there’s nothing wrong with the question. Yeah, I would want a guy who has sarcasm.” But I freaked out because I DID fall for a guy with sarcastic jokes, Phoenix, it’s you. And then while he was talking to me there were so many indications that he just saw us as friends or it was just me chickening out.

And I was texting my friends a lot because I was freaking out, I especially texted Hydra and she gave me a pep talk; telling me I would regret it if I didn’t tell him. And when we switched sitting positions, he called me out for texting people and he was like “You’re probably telling them why is this guy talking about “It” so much?” And I told him, “No, my friends were just telling me when they were leaving.” And he smirked and said “Okay.” And turned to look out the window and I said to his hair, “You really want to know?” But YOU GUYS. I said that in the most cringe-worthy voice ever. And he kept imitating it. Urghhhhh I wanted to melt.

Then he tried to like unlock my phone but he locked himself out. Then he wiped my phone screen and was like “Do your password one more time and I’ll figure it out.” And I was like “Bruh I’m not dumb, I do that with my dad’s phone. I’m in forensics, I know stuff.” We both laughed. But I was so nervous. Literally, no words came out of my mouth. And I tried really hard but nothing. He was trying to get it out of me and he was being sweet about it. Then I told him “It makes me nervous and gives me anxiety. You know that.” And he said, “You can feel anxious afterwards it’s okay now.” I laughed and told him, “Uhmm that’s not how it works.”

Then he said, “Look there are your friends” and I thought he was kidding but there my friends were. I asked him “Is it cool if I go talk to them?” And he said, “Yeah, of course.”

I got up from where we were sitting and started talked to them. They told me that they were leaving. I felt bad cause they were like waiting for me to tell him but I was panicking. Kara told me it’s okay if I don’t want to tell him and I was like bless lol but Hydra pushed her and was like “Girl bye.” Hydra and Aikra were telling me to do it and I told them what was panicking me, him trusting his ex and the Chandler thing. Then Kara was like “Guys we’re whispering pretty loud.” We were like a foot away from him. And I turned to look at him and he was turned back at  smirking back at us and I was like “Oh shit” Then they left and I went back to him.

Then he was like, “I heard what you guys were talking about” and he was smirking. I full on started panicking. Like if I was panicking before, this was the highest level it could reach. I got so scared. I said “… you did? What did you hear?” My voice got small and my facial expression changed. He noticed how much my demeanor changed and he asked “What? What are you worrying for?” And I again asked, “Like you really heard what we said?” and he said “Yeah.” I still don’t know what he heard. We did whisper pretty loud. But we never explicitly said, “Did you tell him you like him?” They were just like “Did you tell him?” And I said, “No I didn’t tell him.”

Then he asked me this would you rather question and I answered and we talked about it. Then he asked me if we should keep asking each other those types of questions or if he should keep trying to question me about the thing I wanted to tell him.

I was, again, really nervous. He asked me “Are you uncomfortable?” And I told him the honest truth: “Yeahhhhh” He got really serious and he tried to get it out of me. He kept staring at me while the word never came out. I told him “You have to stop looking at me though.” He turned around to look out the window and I still couldn’t get the truth out and he turned back around and smiled at me and arched his eyebrow and I laughed with some nervousness.

It took like 10 minutes to get the truth out.

Then he started like looking down at his lap listening and I was like “Okay just do it, Rebecca.” I didn’t want to say I like you from the start of the sentence, not only cause I physically couldn’t but because I wanted to ease into it. So I went through our whole backstory like: “You know how we became friends junior year then we started talking and texting a lot?” Then he mentioned how we stopped talking for like those 2 weeks of the “Chapstick thing.” I was like, internally, dang you actually remembered that? Because this boi sure does lose focus a lot and forget things. Then I continued “Yeah we stopped talking for a week and we started again and we went to the library and the park… well through that, I started getting feelings for you.” To be honest I didn’t really wanna say I like you because it didn’t really feel like the right words to use. And the last part of that sentence was hard to get out but it somehow came out.

Thank goodness, because he wasn’t staring at me when I said that so it made the nervousness better. Because if he was staring at me, I would’ve bolted out of there. No running in the library? I really don’t care. I would’ve been gone. And I thought because he didn’t overreact or seem shocked (which is so great) that maybe he knew so I asked him “Did you know?” He shook his head and said “No.”He was calm, which is good. Because I, on the other hand, as you know, was FREAKING OUT. But the hardest part to say was out there.

Then I resumed the story of what happened “Then you got a girlfriend in the summer and I didn’t talk to you for a month. I tried cutting you out of my life but I couldn’t because you didn’t even know anything was wrong and I couldn’t be mean to you.” He like eased the conversation by making jokes, one of them was about cutting him out, and it made me feel SO MUCH better. I didn’t want it to be so serious cause that would kill me.

Then he was the one to look at me while I looked away and he asked me “Do you still have feelings for me?” I said “Honestly I don’t know.”

Then he was like “Let me be honest with you…” My heart was a freaking drum at this point. I was shaking and my breathing was all over the place. Then we started making eye contact again and it was out there now. So he told me that he officially broke up with his girlfriend last year, in November. Then he found out she didn’t move on and stuff. She’s still trying to get to him, even now. But they’re friends.

Then he told me about his summer girlfriend. He thought that his ex would move on if he got a girlfriend. He said he met this girl at a church fundraiser and he started liking her. Then she moved or something (honestly I don’t remember this detail, I was too busy hoping he wouldn’t break my heart more than it already was because the walls were so damn down at this point, I couldn’t build them back up) but yeah, he said he didn’t want to do a long-distance relationship.

He asked me if I wanted to know his honest feelings and I was scared at first because I really thought he was going to break my heart. Then he asked me “Why did you tell me?” I said, “Cause I wanna move on and I wanted you to know.” He said, “Dang that’s actually a good idea.”

He again asked me, “Are you sure you want to know?” I shakingly agreed. I think I was melting in the chair. He said, “First, I don’t want my ex coming after you. Because she always finds a way. She’ll find out about this one way or another, she’ll even find out about us hanging out.” I told him “That’s what Lyra told me but yeah, I’m lowkey scared of her” laughing. He said “Nah she won’t do anything. If she does you can tell me. Or if she asks you if you liked me you can say no or tell her the truth.”  Then he asked, “What would you do if she does anything?” I said “Bruh, I would run. Run really fast. I would let Lyra or Hydra deal with that but I would run out of there.”

But to be honest, I’m not as scared of her as I used to be. She’s just a teenager like me who fell in love and she’s not going to do anything to me, she can’t. I just got out of the drama, this girl is not reeling me back in.

Then he asked me, “Do you want to be in a relationship?” I again told him, “I don’t know.” Because I was honestly scared, I’ve never been in a relationship. But I didn’t want to tell him that because he’s been in a few while I’ve never even been kissed or have ever gone on a date.

He told me, “Honestly, I don’t have time for a relationship.” I know where he’s coming from and I’m honestly the same way. I don’t even have time to use my blog anymore. He was telling me, “You’re a sweet person. You’re honest, reserved, and funny.” He was like listing good qualities off on his fingers and internally I was like “HOLD YP YOU KNOW I GOTTA REMEMBER THIS TO REPEAT TO MY FRIENDS” lol if he heard my thoughts… But he just doesn’t have time because of school, church, family, soccer, college, etc. I completely understood him because I’m really busy too.

He then said “You would be a great girlfriend honestly. But I just don’t have time. I’m like a surgeon making appointments next months cause I’m so busy.”

But bless, because he was so sweet about it. He said “If you still have feelings for me in the future, you can just tell me like ‘Hey, Phoenix, I still have feelings for you'” in like this whiny voice and I was like bruh I don’t sound like that. It was nice that he was making it casual and funny because I was terrified of the conversation. He also said “I’m not going to be that person that’s like ‘Ohhhhhh I know Rebecca like me now'” all egotistically.

Plus, he knows that I tell Lyra stuff now. There was a time when he asked Lyra something and she talked about me and he said “Ohhhh that’s why.” And when I told Lyra she was like, “Bruh I was the plug, why would you tell him?!??” And I laughed and was like “It’s done dude. I wanted all the cards on the table.”

ALSO this is the big one. He wants to make sure I don’t make our friendship awkward. Which he knew I would make awkward because I’m me lol. He really wants to try he was like “We have to find ways so that it doesn’t become awkward between us. Like we can still hang out and still snap each other and talk.” I told him “You know I’m going to make it awkward though” I laughed and he smiled.

But it’s nice because he was so chill about it and he wasn’t weird about it. He was the one who made it comfortable for me, not the other way around.

Then he connected more pieces and I told him that’s why my friends were at the library, that’s what they were talking about, and that’s why I was on my phone so much.

He had to leave at around 3 because he had to go to soccer practice. So he got up and put on his backpack and asked “Should I give you a hug or should I just leave?” I told him “You should just leave… no I’m just kidding.” I got up and I got a REAL hug from him which lasted only a second and his bag was in the way. He asked, “Are you gonna ride the bus home with me?” And I told him “I should ask my friends if they’re still here.” Because Aikra was waiting downtown until 3 because her boyfriend was going to come at 3. I texted Hydra and she literally left 5 minutes before and she was like “WHAT SHOULD I GET OFF THE BUS?” lol but it was too late. Aikra was still there at a restaurant and Phoenix knows downtown better than me so I asked him, “Can you walk me there?” He said “Yeah.”

We rode the elevator and it wasn’t awkward lol but when we were waiting for the elevator he said “That’s a new belt.” I looked down and stared at him and was like “Dude really?” And he laughed lol. Then throughout our conversation I took my glasses off and when we got off the elevator everything was blurry and I said, “Wait why can’t I see anything?” And he laughed saying “What did you say? Did you ask why you can’t see?” He started dying and I told him how sometimes I walk out of the house without glasses and I’m like “Nope, can’t see shit.” It’s nice that we were still seemingly friends and he really was trying and is trying to not make it awkward.

So he dropped me off at the restaurant, I saw Aikra and one of his friends was there eating so he walked in and said hi to him. I went to Aikra and she asked “How did it go?” and I said “No hug me first” lol. She was really excited and happy because I told her that I told him over text 5 minutes prior. I sat with her and caught her up then she told me he was leaving and he walked out. Then a few seconds later Aikra pointed and said “Look there he is” and I was confused because I thought perceptions were fooling me again and I said “Wait I thought he already left” to Aikra. And she said, “Yeah he came back in to say bye to you.” And he did. I turned around. He came back into the restaurant to wave bye to me and I waved back and continued telling Aikra what happened.

Aikra’s boyfriend couldn’t show because he had to watch his little brother. So we went shopping.. sorry looking at clothes because we were too broke to afford anything. Then we went back to the restaurant to eat and the two of us had our own “date.” And I brought my songbook and Aikra read my songs and it was just a nice ending to an already good day.

I was so happy. I am so happy. I told everyone how happy and free I am. Because he knows. I don’t have to assume anymore. No more overthinking. Because everything is off the table, or on the table as Lyra and I were arguing about the metaphor lol. But it’s out. I don’t have to overthink his actions. He’s cool with it, that’s so great. I’m happy, which is a blessing. Everything turned out okay, better than okay.

The truth really does set you free. 

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my two good days.

This school week was honestly okay. I might even say it was good.

Of course, work-wise: School was a pain. College transcript request forms were due this week and I had to lockdown, for sure, my college choices. And my classes are all going through the information fast, especially my two AP classes. It feels like it’s May when teachers just need the info to absorb into our brains. But it’s only September (Guyssss, October is tomorrow, can you believe that?).

But I had two really good days. Filled with happiness and away from anxiety.

The first day was this past Thursday. It was “senior Unity Day.” Basically, senior unity day is the day seniors take a field trip to this farm and just have a fun time with your friends eating food, play games, etc.

Honestly, I didn’t think I was going to go to senior unit day but my best friend convinced me. Also, the night before I was doubtful and afraid to be excited… because I mean it’s my life. I’m so scared to be happy because I don’t want it to be taken away. How do I not think of it like that?

But I actually had a really good time. I have friends. I didn’t even realize it. I have a group of friends. My friends and my friend’s friends and we all spent the day together. We ate lunch and went on a zip line together. We went on this playground and took lots of pictures. We laughed and smiled.

To be honest, we didn’t get to do that much. Because there was a time limit, the line for the zip line itself was a 30-minute wait. By the time we got there it was almost close to 11 and we left at around 1:30.

So here are the details of that day…

I hung out with a lot of friends but I hung out with my best friend and one of my friends I got close with junior year. We all laughed a bunch. At the start, we all got soda and clinked our glasses making a toast.

Then we got food and it wasn’t thatttttt great. But it was food. My friend got a burger and I got a hot dog so we both would be able to share in case we didn’t want the one thing but didn’t wanna get both. My best friend is h.o.r.r.i.f.i.e.d. by bees. And it’s like the bee knew. Because it only went near her food. Guys, it literally only went in her cup and started drinking her lemonade… my best friend was literally done at this point. She just walked away from the bee lol.

Then my friend and I needed to pee. At first, we thought the bathrooms were port-o-potties so we went to where they were. But they were all locked and we were so confused. Turns out, the bathrooms were actual bathrooms in the dining area part and we concluded that we were dumb.

Then we went in line for the zip line. It was a longggg wait but it was nice catching up with my friend. I was very scared to go to the zip line. It’s like the feeling of going on a rollercoaster. Except I hate rollercoasters and I’ve only been on a zip line once and I loved it. These jerks got in front of us while my friends and I were talking to each other so we just ya knowww did the same and got in front of them and they went out of the line *high-fives each other like bosses* Then we got closer and closer and it got scarier. My friend and I were holding hands until they had to put the equipment on us. The moment I stepped up the ledge to be hooked onto the rope I was scared. The moment I had to step off I was hella scared. But it was so nice once I dropped off. It was like the calmness and serenity that you want every day. Just looking down and seeing life pass by is so serene and amazing. But unfortunately, it didn’t last long. But it was still fun.

Then my friends and I just hung out and the day was over. My face hurt so much from smiling and my throat hurt from yelling and talking so much. Imagine if I didn’t go, I would literally have avoided one of the happiest days of my life. Because this really was a happy day of my life. I never felt like a label. I never felt like the odd one out. I never felt anxious (aside from the zip line but even that was okay because my friends were there to comfort me). I never felt outside the circle. I felt okay. I felt… I was happy. It was a really good day.

The next day, Friday was a good day too. It was my best friend and another friend’s birthday. The other friend wanted to go downtown and watch “It” that scary movie with the clown. I questioned why she wanted to see that on her birthday and she said it would be balanced out because afterward, we would watch a happy movie. That was her solution fixing the scary with the happy lol. My friend was the only one who wanted to see it, the rest of us were all cautious but went anyway.

We took a bus downtown from school and then we went to go eat. It was nice having a conversation and again, it wasn’t awkward for me. I didn’t get anxiety. I felt okay.

We went to the movie theater. So only 3 of us out of maybe 7 or 8 of us got to see “It.” Because most of the girls didn’t bring their photo ID’s and you need to be seventeen in order to see it. (That pun/play on word tho, it’s greatttt) We were all seventeen but they just didn’t have their ID’s. They had a plan to sneak in. But there was this security guard who was very suspicious from the jump. I didn’t like him. He heard some construction workers laughing and he immediately ran to see what was going on with a straight face, holding his flashlight like a weapon. Then he asked to see our tickets and he was like “I saw you two walking one way so I’m questioning you about your tickets.” Literally, we were five feet away from the vendor guy and we were the only ones there.

I honestly don’t know what happened to the plan but it only came down to three of us. I was okay with it. Except for the fact that this movie was everywhere on social media with everyone scared regardless. I was so scared to see it. I’m a wimp in haunted houses, I get scared easily. When I first started watching Pretty Little Liars and Criminal Minds I got nightmares. So this was… it was like the boss level of it all. I honestly thought I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. But my resolve, guys! I’m actually so proud of myself.

I, Rebecca, survived a scary movie.

It honestly wasn’t even scary. I thought I would avert my eyes through it all but it wasn’t scary. It was just cringey and disturbing, the middle school relationships and the whole school scenario made me want to throw up… those kids were a piece of work especially that kid who was a borderline psychopath. I wanted the clown to take him.

Okay, the clown. That’s another story. Like what the heck dude. In one scene, it just danced and it looked like a joke. It was like I was watching a meme. That clown was creepy. I’m glad I never liked clowns.

But overall, going to see a movie with friends was really nice. I had a really fun time. We laughed a lot during the movie and talked through it (but no obnoxiously).

And that was my two good days. It’s pretty much due to the fact that I’m warming up to these friends who I was kinda awkward with at the beginning. But I’m getting able to know them and their personalities.

I honestly don’t know where this is going but I feel like I’m finally being able to be an acual senior. But like I am, I’m always scared of happy. I’m scared to have complete happiness because that has never existed for me.

I don’t know where this is going to go but all I know is that I had a really good 2 days.

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