lost.

I’ve kinda been tired all week long.

Or as my friend would say, I was dead all week long.

And she’s right, cause I was.

College is really getting to me.

And if college is getting to me, then my anxiety is grabbing me full force.

I haven’t told anyone about why I’m so “tired” because I feel like it’s just a wave I have to ride over.

Like high school.

High school, at first, was a question. Then it became this pit of darkness and through time and heartbreak it got gradually better and I found some amazing people.

I got over that wave.

And back then, I didn’t really have anybody or it didn’t really feel like I had anyone since I was so lost.

Now, I have people… but I’m still not used to letting them in during phases like this.

Phases where one minute it feels like the monster inside is pulling me down full-force and the next, it’s sunshine.

I’m so used to doing this on my own. Or telling some people about it a little bit and pretending I’m ok at the end when it’s still not okay.

Plus, all the friends I’m okay with opening up to about this seem to be having a good time at college… and I don’t want to introduce my pain when they’re happy.

I’m still lost.

And it doesn’t help that the friends I thought were real and down for me aren’t anymore.

You would think after dealing with so many fake people you get immune to the feeling… but you never do. It never goes away.

The hurt sticks.

And of course, whenever I’m in my hole of darkness I just add on everything I’m sad and stressed about.

And I’m so stressed.

It feels like I can’t do anything right.

Like I’m not meant to be here.

Like this is all a mistake.

To top it all off,

my faith is unsteady.

And my faith is something that has carried me through the bad moments.

I don’t have a perfect relationship with my faith but, right now, outside influences and my mind are attacking it full force.

And I can’t do anything because even if I’m strong and tell my mind to back off it doesn’t seem genuine.

I’m just so tired.

My plan didn’t even consist of going to community college.

I wanted to be far away from a place I’m so accustomed to.

But maybe I’m just meant to be in chains.

At least, that’s what it feels like.

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No, Not Even Friendships Are Safe

As someone with anxiety, I can say this with enough evidence, “We tend to overthink a lot.”

Situations, relationships, moments, anything you can think of.

It’s not rare when a new interest pops up in your life and you can’t help but overthink…

E V E R Y T H I N G.

Take a normal crush right? The average person thinks of them a lot in a day. Now, take that and add in overthinking. I mean there’s overthinking with a crush and overthinking with a crush, with anxiety.

(I’m considering the fact that you talk to your crush and don’t just stare from a distance lol)

You overthink their actions, the way they talk through text, how they really feel about you (whether they care or not), whether you’re bothering them or not, if you’re talking too much, if it doesn’t show too much that you care too much… or you’re worrying it does show too much, if their jokes actually hold a double meaning, why they looked at you during a certain moment, etc.

I think that’s a basic summary of it (because there’s so much more).

It’s hell.

But I”m not interested in anyone as of right now so my overthinking would seem like it’s simmered down a little bit, right?

Wrong.

It’s like my overthinking has moved onto my friends.

I mean, for me, there’s overthinking in friendships at the beginning. Of course there is. Because you’re unsure if the friendship is more than giving homework answers and classroom jokes.

So that’s normal.

But when it comes back after that, “Wow, they’re a real one” moment has LONG passed… it gets suspicious.

I realized this started happening after I stopped liking someone. But it started around a time where I got scared of life… which is right now.

I’m anxious about all my friendships.

I just got out of high school and in college. Nothing is certain.

I can think of one friend who stuck with me from kindergarten and we didn’t go to high school with each other. But we’re still strong. But everyone isn’t her…

Storytime.

I think maybe my subconscious was preparing and scared to leave high school. I started feeling a certain way toward my friend, Lyra. I’ve talked about her before. She’s a real friend. She’s the same person who let me hang out with her friend group during a fire drill when I felt like I didn’t belong. She made sure I felt included.

Yet, my mind started focusing on things that she started to do. Losing focus, not feeling important to her, not feeling like I belong in her life. Because Lyra has a lot of people in her life. I mean not all of these things were mental, most of the things I was mad at her about were things that actually happened.

Like she ditched me at a gym, we weren’t able to take pictures together at prom because she was with her other friends, we were supposed to watch a movie together but she saw it without me, I didn’t even know she saw it until a couple of days later, and a lot of other things.

It was just really messed up. It wasn’t messed up what I was doing but what my mind was doing. The thing is I didn’t even know what my mind was doing.

I don’t know how to explain it but it was like I was jealous. But that doesn’t make sense because I know how much I mean to her. But seeing her with other friends and taking pictures with them, it was like there was this hole in my heart. Because it felt like it’s so hard for the two of us to hang out AND take a simple picture. But she does it with these other people and it’s like… wow. But I know I’m special to her and she loves me. But my mind was twisting so much.

And I didn’t know what was happening.

So I didn’t tell her. And this feeling started in April and school ended in June. I knew she could tell something was going on but what could  I tell her? My mind is being stupid?

This is the same person I told everything too. Now I felt like I couldn’t.

What happened?

My mind, that’s what happened.

And nothing, no one feels safe in my mind.

Because there’s always an overthinking and overbearing thought about someone.

But thank goodness for Lyra.

She didn’t give up on me.

I could tell her all the things I’m feelings even negative things, saying I need space. And she’ll understand.

AND she won’t walk away.

I still question why she hasn’t walked away.

But she’s not the guy I used to like who said he would be there for and ultimately wasn’t, and she’s not any of my fake friends.

She understands my mind and my anxiety. She understands all my feelings and accepts me as the person I am, no matter how much I hate things like this that come in the way of friendships.

I think, if anyone else feels this way, we just need to hold on to all the Lyra’s in our life. Or we should wait for the Lyra’s of our life.

And know that even if we have these thoughts, those people should be there to lift those thoughts from our overbearing minds.

And if they don’t,

then our minds were right. 

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Poem: The Light Who Radiated My Life

So I always wanted to put this poem on my blog but I… forgot.

But it’s all good since I remembered!

So this poem is the one I read at my grandma’s funeral and it just so happens that it’s an adaptation of a blog post I wrote.

So a little backstory…

During emotional moments or any special moments like birthdays, celebrations, I kinda forget my emotions and how people have made me feel. So when my aunt, the person who organized my grandma’s funeral, asked me to read a poem… all my family thought I was gonna just get a random one from the internet. They were gladly mistaken cause I mean it’s me. But my extended family don’t really know this side of me.

Anyway, when my aunt asked me to write a poem I wasn’t sure if I would put everything I wanted to say in it because my mind was sorta elsewhere that week. So I looked here cause I knew I wrote a post about her in the past and I wanted to build off of that.

So I found the post I was looking for: my Grandma

And I worked on it to make it present tense and yeah I read it at her funeral. I wanted to put that poem here because this is where all my memorable poems are so here it is…

One day while I was sitting with my grandma, I chose to see things I didn’t notice before.

Her eyes. The wrinkles. The eye bags. I wonder how much she has seen. How much pain, how much strife she experienced. How many tears probably streamed onto her cheeks. I thought of her sister, my great-aunt, how much I saw her cry. How much she probably still cries, not just for her but for all the loses she has experienced. How many people she has seen. How many she has met. I wonder how much her eyes have seen. The journeys, the adventure, even a little chaos.

Her hair. How black blends with gray, and over the years gray has taken over. You could notice that strands have already fallen out. Yet, she still takes care of her hair. Putting oil, combing through it, and putting it into two braids. Right and left. Nothing complicated, just two braids. Her curls that she combs through. The curls that are the by-product of my waves. Whenever I would do a certain hairstyle, she always tells me she did that same hairstyle when she was younger. She would always tell me how she thinks my hair is pretty.

Her arms. Her fingers. How they’ve grown wrinkly and somewhat weak. Her fingers are always shaking. Although her fingers seem weak, her arms seem to be strong to me. She does carry a lot. She’s always bringing food for us while carrying two bags. I wonder how many times she’s had to lift herself up. Or has had to lift someone else up. How many times her hands have lifted, praying to the Lord, her best friend.

Her clothes. Her sari. Come to think of it, I can barely think of a time she doesn’t wear a sari. Other than, when she’s cooking or on vacation with us. No matter how old she gets, she can always wrap a sari gracefully without anything falling or looking out of place.

Her smile. I will always admire her for this. No matter what, she always has a smile on her face. Her laugh is so contagious. She never looks mad at me, even when I yell at her. In fact, one day, when I was feeling down, she told me that I should just smile. That happiness is what you need in life for it to be fulfilled. Her words. She really knows what she’s saying. Even though some people might not see it that way. How much passion she has for the things that she loves. When she teaches others about the Bible, her eyes lit up. Her words flowed. She could literally talk about it for hours, and not get bored. That’s what amazes me. She’s so passionate about the things she loves and uses that passion to teach others.

Today this is how I see my grandmother…

Her faith. 33 times. She read the Bible 33 times. She led her life with faith. She made sure to bring God with her into every room, into every step, into every crack of her life. I never saw her question God once. No matter what, in happiness or strife, she would always call out to God. She had so much faith that if she saw us today she wouldn’t understand why our eyes are full of tears because she knew God has something better planned for us and I know she’s ready. She always said “Don’t worry. Just pray to God. Everything will be alright”

Her bravery. She read the verse “Do not fear, for I am with you” 33 times and you could tell she applied it to her life. Fear never even touched her once. Her soul. Her mindset. Her personality. It all showed the image of a courageous human being. She didn’t get anxiety. She could talk to anyone and everyone. She wasn’t afraid of not knowing what life has in store for us. Because she knew, no matter what happened God would be there in the beginning and end.

Her compassion. My grandma never had any hate for anybody. Her heart was full of love and love only. Even if one of us were angry or yelled at her, she wouldn’t hold a grudge. Forgiveness was an ordinary quality for her. She believed we could forgive anyone, no matter what they did. Forgiveness is tricky… But she made it seem so easy.

Herself. What do I say that I haven’t said above? She was the living version of a good soul that God depicts in the Bible. She made me feel safe, worthy of her love, and she made me feel like, even through my darkest moments, I could live a happy life. Because happiness isn’t about what’s happening to you or how life rewards you. Even in her lowest days, my grandma chose to smile and pray. She taught me that happiness is a state of mind. It doesn’t have to come to you one day, you can just have it. She always told me to just smile when I was having a bad day or didn’t want to talk because my smile is beautiful. Now, whenever I smile I can think of her.  

I thought of how much she’s been through and although she only made it to 8th grade, she’s so wise. She has seen things. She has experienced a lot. She has met a lot of people. She has been through a whirlwind of change. She has fought. She has cried. She has questioned. She has just lived.

I love my grandma. And although she might not know it, she is a big role model for me. I just wish that someday my eyes will hold as much experience that I saw in her eyes that day… and as I grow, I hope to have the same faith I saw radiate in her every day.

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friends?

I’m not sure about anyone in my life. 

This phase of my life is so weird.

Slowly transitioning into college but still fresh out of high school.

And I find myself feeling lost.

I mean there are a lot of reasons I feel lost but the one I want to focus more on is friends.

If I think about last year and compare it to now… a lot of people have left.

Or I’m not as close to people as I thought I would be.

And it’s affecting me.

You know, today, I was in one of my school buildings where the library is. I was downstairs. So I climbed up the stairs and as I was climbing up I saw one of my old friends. But her back was turned towards me and she was walking away.

I was walking behind her (like 8 feet away) but in a completely different direction. I could’ve yelled her name or something but I didn’t.

Why?

Because we’re not who we used to be.

I’ve never heard from her since the summer and the one time I saw her at school was the first week of school. And she basically insulted me… but that’s who she is. That part didn’t bother me. What bothered me was that she didn’t seem interested to talk to me or see how I was doing. She talked to me for maybe 30 seconds and then left.

And I don’t know.

This is basically a summary of how I feel about anyone and everyone: I don’t know.

I don’t know about my relationships.

Everyone has their own life to live.

But I used to be able to hang out with so many different people sometimes and now…

I don’t want to sound ungrateful.

Because there are people I have that are there for me.

But I’m scared.

Because I’m just thinking about how one day they might leave like everyone else. Or I’m depending on them so much that the moment they let me down or something, I’ll lose it.

And I know I shouldn’t base my happiness or anyone but myself, but my friends really do make me happy.

I cherish my friends so much.

But… my anxiety and overthinking is getting out of control.

This is the spectrum:

The true friends: I’m scared they’ll leave, I’m burdening them, or they’ll let me down

The half-friends: There are friends in my life where it feels we’re only meeting each other halfway and I’m trying to put my trust in them but they’ve let me down before and I’m still scared.

The I don’t even know if we still are friends: The ones I don’t meet up with or talk to often. And I feel bad for wanting more because I know they might be busy. or might not want to socialize as much… but I need more.

And it’s such a weird place I’m in than I was a few months ago… I felt like less of a burden to ask others for advice and to tell someone a story. Now, those same people I used to ask, I’m scared of asking or telling. Things are so different.

So many of my relationships feel like they’re burning out or close to a fire and I want to save them but how can I save them when the other person has no interest?

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m o r e.

Have you ever seen those tweets where it says “The best kind of friendships are the ones where you could be gone for a year or not talk to each other for a long time and things will still be good between the both of you?”

(This is a summarization of those tweets, I forgot what it said word-by-word.

Is it weird that I wouldn’t be able to do this?

Maybe you’ll tell me I don’t know the feeling yet cause I just got out of high school and into college so my friends haven’t started their individual lives yet.

But my anxiety makes it so that anyone who stops talking to me doesn’t want to associate themselves with me anymore.

Does that make me petty?

Does my anxiety make it so that the tweet above can’t be something I can ever do?

I mean maybe I could. I might be able to trust it with my two childhood friends but one always makes sure to update me and the other, I see all the time.

So I’m not sure I could ever do what’s said above.

Does that make me any less human?

Is it something I have to accept?

Should I apologize for needing consistency?

Okay, I’m not talking about day-to-day updates… that’s too much for a person to uphold.

But at least a check in once in a while making sure the other person is okay.

That’s understandable, right?

Maybe my anxiety is to blame.

If there is a blame.

It’s just, I overthink too much, a doubt in my head is the last thing I want.

At least someone I know will be there at the end of the day if I ever need anything.

Someone I could tell all my fears to and they won’t judge me.

Someone who doesn’t “ghost” themselves for unknown reasons.

Like I understand busy.

I’ve been busy.

I am busy.

But too busy to check in?

And then to have months and months to pass by and still hear nothing?

I wouldn’t be able to vibe with that, I’m sorry.

I would need more.

And that’s just who I am.

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Foreshadowing and Signs

You know in English class when your teacher talked about foreshadowing?

Predicting the future because of something mentioned earlier in the story.

So since foreshadowing exists in books, can it exist in life?

Have you ever foreshadowed your life?

Can’t remember?

Let me ask a similar question with different wording.

Have you ever believed in signs?

And I’m not talking about the signs on the road that tell you to stop and slow down.

I’m talking about the signs that you “see” in the universe.

For example, some signs are when you like someone. You try to pick out every detail that might lead to a possibility that you guys will end up together.

That’s a sign.

And it’s also you trying to foreshadow your own life.

Now I think I’ve pretty much done the sign method (can I call it a method? Eh who cares, I’m trying to make a point lol) with every guy I’ve had a crush on. And I’ve done the sign method with every friend I get to know better.

Because I wanna know if a friendship will last or not, through looking at signs (foreshadowing).

And maybe you use this method for your whole future. You know “I did this one bad thing earlier so I’m afraid the world will treat me badly.” I guess its sorta like karma in a way except more complicated.

You try to see signs that lead to a bright future.

And if you’re religious, like me, you might even ask God for a sign that this is all worth it in the end.

But here’s what I’ve learned about signs…

See, the last time I liked someone there were so many signs that a possible future was near that even some of my friends saw it.

And then, out of nowhere, it was like a sign that said go actually got misread and meant stop.

So stop.

Stop reading and looking for signs.

Signs mean absolutely nothing.

Signs just mean you’re looking for a way for the universe to give you comfort when the other person should give you comfort.

And if you’re not looking for signs in a person but rather a situation, like your future… then stop trying to read signs and instead accelerate.

Go, make your future.

Stop trying to see if this way is giving you good vibes or not.

Take a chance and risk it.

And if it doesn’t work out, it’s ok.

That’s the beauty of a story.

And ending it when it’s about to get good is like reading an addicting book and just stopping in the middle.

Not knowing how it ends.

So stop trying to read signs because honestly no sign will ever tell you of the future.

If most of the signs I’ve seen in the past were anywhere near remotely right, I might have my own tv show or become a fortune teller.

But I’m not.

Reading signs gets you nowhere.

You think you might have a person or a situation all figured out.

But just when you think you do, life is like “Nope, you thought.”

I thought I knew that a person would never let me down. But sometimes that happens and you have to let a toxic person out of your life when you least expect it.

And that’s just that. That’s life. And we have to learn how to live knowing we can’t control our futures or see into the future.

We can’t foreshadow our lives.

So stop trying to.

Stop trying to read signs.

The only sign that should be consuming your mind is the one telling you to take one step closer to your future.

Wherever that leads.

But honestly not knowing something isn’t as bad as thinking you know it and having the rug pulled out from under you at the last minute.

Its ok if you don’t know what’s gonna happen at the end of your story.

Personally, I like when I know or at least can guess what’s going to happen at the end of a movie or t.v. show. But it’s also okay not to know.

I think its better when you don’t know because it makes for a better surprise.

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space.

So I have a difficult ultimatum to make.

I have the choice to let go of someone special to me and I have no idea how to do it.

Not necessarily, “let go.”

But I need to tell this person that I need space away from them to recover from everything they’ve put me through.

It’s not that I want to do this.

But I have to do this.

I love this person so much, you have no idea how much I love this person.

But all that they’re giving me isn’t enough for me.

It’s like I’m giving them 100% and they’re giving me half.

And it’s not fair to myself to belittle the pain I’m feeling for the sake of the other person.

It’s hurting me and I’m continuously getting hurt.

So I have to let them know and I need space away from that for a while.

But like I said earlier, I love this person so much.

So it’s going to be so hard, I haven’t told them I need space yet.

I”m sort of mentally preparing myself right now because the minute I say this, things change.

And I don’t want things to change because once things change I step out of my comfort zone.

But if I don’t step out of my comfort zone, I continuously suffer internally not letting the other person know.

And if I keep this inside, I’m only hurting myself more than I already am from this person.

So, yeah, I don’t know.

Has anyone else been through this? It would be great if you shared…

Also, sorry, I really like storytelling and specifics but I honestly don’t want to repeat the story again so I gave a vague version.

Also because the specifics aren’t really important I guess, it’s just the fact that I don’t feel happy with their friendship anymore and it’s internally messing with my heart, my mind, my anxiety, my well-being and it’s not healthy.

So I wanted to know if anyone had any input on this.

Thank you to anyone who read this.

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