Goodbye, Junior

Start: Hello, Junior: Day 1 & Hello, Junior: Day 2

And now it’s the finish, the end. Well, not really the end of life or anything but it’s the end of my junior year.

Already? It literally feels like just yesterday the school year started. Okayyy… maybe not just yesterday but when I think of the first day of school I think, “Woah that was 10 months ago?!!?” But when I think about the journey it took to get me here, it D.E.F.I.N.I.T.E.L.Y. does not feel like the first day of school was yesterday anymore.

Honestly, I think this is my favorite year of high school (hopefully, so far) freshman year comes as second, and sophomore year: third.

This school year definitely didn’t start out good. What first day starts out good? But overall, looking back the school year turned out to be good even though I did have my crappy moments.

I made some real friends this year (hopefully). One of my real friends is the friend I made in my chem class. From the moment we met, we literally vibed so much. We could tell each other anything at this point. It’s been so nice to have her there and not only there in that class but there in any situation: she’s helped me figure out my major for college, she helped me with Phoenix, etc. Even once, we had a fire drill and she went to hang out with her friends but she didn’t leave me alone she let me be included with her group of friends and it was just so nice of her. Another real friend was Phoenix. To be honest, apart from the feelings and everything else it really is nice to know that he’s real and not fake. The fact that he wants to know more about me and wants to willingly hang out with me is something I can’t even begin to describe. I made some real friendships with lower classmen and I feel like a big sister to them because I’ve been through what they might be going through school-wise although, they never fail to make me feel old.

I started my hello junior year posts with a breakdown of all the periods and how they all were the first day and I think it should be tradition to say how they all ended. (This focuses around second semester)

  • Period 1: Piano
    • Honestly, this class was boring sometimes. There were days where I would just sit in my seat and try to find something to play but nothing. My teacher never really had a lesson plan so everything was freelance. But, I did learn some piano and I’m going to buy piano books to teach myself. I’m still learning “A Thousand Years” and I’m nearing the end of the song. But, this last day it was so cool because the whole class got on a bunch of pianos and we had this jam session and it just sounded really cool. So cool that I wanted to record it but I couldn’t considering my hands were occupied.
  • Period 2: Modern World
    • One of my friends from freshman year was in this class and the first day she asked me to come sit near her, but the only seat near her was next to her friend. And it was awkward because her friend was in 2 of my previous classes in the previous years and we never really became friends. So it was me, her friend, then her. But as days and weeks passed I got to know her friend and her more and it was really nice. I actually ended up hanging out with her, some of her friends and my best friend this past week. It was really nice sitting next to those two. They never made one class boring. Even though sometimes I felt like the odd-one-out, overall they both made me really happy. Also after this period my friend and I would walk to our 4th period together and it was always so nice, she would dread about Spanish and I would sometimes dread about AP Language. It was really nice.
  • Period 3: Photography
    • At first, this class seemed lonely. Because none of my friends from my old photography class ended up in the same class as me. So it sucked at first. Then we had this photo assignment where we had to take pictures of each other and this girl didn’t have anyone so me and this girl I awkwardly asked beforehand if we could be partners let her take pictures with us. And a friendship started. Then she had another friend and I had friends. I wasn’t lonely. All of them were freshmen and sometimes it was overwhelming because one of my friends always talked about this shitty boy who never deserved my friend but no matter what she always went back to him. Stuff like that pissed me off and sometimes they were rude here and there and on the days where I wasn’t mentally okay I took it to heart. But I know that it doesn’t come from a place of hate. They really truly care about me. When I had strep throat they cared about where I was and that I felt okay.
    • But the content of the class- I didn’t really like it. The first semester, we were taking these aesthetic pictures with film and everything. My first semester teacher told me we would be more on the computers but I didn’t realize we would be learning more about photoshop than photography. I mean I didn’t mind the photoshop but my second semester teacher focused more on what we did on photoshop than our pictures itself. I just don’t really feel like I learned that much this semester compared to first semester. Plus my second semester teacher was never enthusiastic about things.
  • Period 4: AP Language & Composition
    • One of my friends from the previous semester was in this class so it was okay. We talked more this semester than last semester- so that was really nice. My teacher gave us this really inspiring speech about anything that we do should be seen as an accomplishment. Even little things like writing essays or research papers, they should be seen as accomplishments because some people can’t even do that and we should never take our abilities for granted. His class was really hard, I never got an A, always straight B’s and the papers were always hard. But he was a really good teacher and his acting when reading is really awesome.
  • Period 5: Chemistry
    • My everyday class. This class was only amazing because I had the real friend (that I talked about earlier) in this class. We both had the same class both semesters so that was honestly so perfect. We never really paid attention and when the test date came we were screwed but each time we made it through. We always made each other laugh because we have the same sense of humor and I can literally tell her anything. Even though chemistry haunted my life, I’m honestly so happy because I got to know such an amazing person (ohh noo I’m getting sappy)
  • Period 6: Lunch
    • Lunch was always good. I mean it’s lunch there was nothing exciting about it. But I’m so happy because my best friend and I had the same lunch for both semesters so that was amazing and a weight off the anxiety shoulders.
  • Period 7: Spanish
    • UDsafkalsdjfd Spanish. I mean trust me I’m all for speaking another language and learning about the culture. But this class drained me. The class was full of freshmen who never knew the right and wrong time to talk. And the grammar and remembering everything killed me. But I made it through. I actually made friends with this girl that the teacher assigned next to me and she was really funny but through half of the semester, she switched everyone’s seats so that sucked. But, oh my gosh, I actually made it through!
  • Period 8: Algebr(uh)a Two (Sorry I had to make that joke once in my life lol)
    • This class was so fun. I mean at first the teacher kinda scared me but she turned out to be so funny. And I sat with 2 people I knew from wayyyy back all the way to elementary school. It was always so fun doing worksheets with them. Even though it’s weird saying work was fun. Doing the work wasn’t fun but doing the work with them and working it out together was fun. We were always cracking jokes and laughing at anything. Lol I think our teacher got mad sometimes but even she joined in sometimes.

So there we go. That’s all that’s happened. From beginning to end. It’s so weird because in my sophomore year… I hated my sophomore year because I felt so alone and lost. That was the year I found out I had anxiety and so many things clicked this year like fake friends and all that. It was just such a bad year for me. But when I compare junior year to sophomore year, thank God that He carried me through. I prayed so much and He didn’t let me down. I don’t feel as lost anymore, or as lost as I was last year. It was horrible last year. But He put constants in my life: people, love, even happiness here and there. The only way I made it through was because God helped me and I had some amazing friends that pulled me through. I wanted to just give up and give in sometimes, but I never did.

I accomplished all I needed to do this year and I can overthink as much as I want but the way things happened, I can’t change them. I can’t do anything but be happy and marvel at the fact that I was able to make it through.

It’s honestly so weird to think that next school year, actually kind of right now, I’m officially a senior… I don’t think it’ll really click until August when school starts again. But I mean WHATSTSSDT???? I remember entering middle school (6th grade) and telling my friends “Woah we’re the big kids now.” And then 8th grade and feeling like the actual big kids considering we were the ones going to graduate. Then 9th grade rolled around and I was honestly so freakishly scared and frightened and everything to be going to high school. And now HERE I AM, about to be a senior. W.h.a.t. Literally, where is the time going?

Sometimes it feels like time goes by so slow, then other times it feels like it’s going so fast that I’m literally chasing it down for it to stop (which is weird because I hardly run). But let me not blow my mind too much thinking about the concept of time because that could last forever (lol get it?… I’m sorry haha).

I get really nostalgic thinking about time and how everything is going by so fast. Sometimes on my dark days, I want nothing more than to grow up, but once I’m there it’s not really what I want anymore. I think of all the goodbye’s and see you soon’s and talk to you soon’s and they’re just tugging at my heartstrings. I thought I would be more relieved but I’m experiencing that feeling of change again. Thinking about the friends who might not have the time to talk to me and how life is only going to be different and harder from here on out. I mean I actually have to think about college and everything. I’m getting anxiety. I  just need to breathe and take everything day by day.

Here’s to the end of another year. You made it, Rebecca!

I really hope that if you read my first day and last day it was able to maybe teach you that no matter how anxious the beginning of something can be, the journey of it until the end might seem far away and hard to reach… but you can make it through.

You’re capable of more than you believe. So much more.

«Music Friday»

So all this week I listened to Halsey’s “Hopeless Fountain Kingdom” and it is honestly: so b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l. Halsey is such a musical inspiration. Her album is a concept album which means that all the songs on the album hold a greater meaning together than individually. And Halsey said that this album is top to bottom about her being able to love herself after an abusive relationship. It’s so amazing. Plus, it’s like a scavenger hunt. If you check out her twitter you can see her fans figuring out new pieces behind her lyrics and it’s so beautiful that the story can keep being interpreted. (But be warned because there are explicit songs, I don’t know who might be reading this, just making sure I don’t offend young ears).

I hope you all had an amazing week. We made it through another one everyone!

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My Week Update

I don’t know what I should be more excited about: The fact that I’m done with the 30 hours of classroom education of driving school (which is why I’ve kind of been inactive for the past 2 weeks) or the fact that it’s finally spring break!!!

I think I’m more excited about the second one, as you might be able to tell from the bold.

So this is kind of a life update, not just a week update. Because of driving school AND school, I haven’t been able to catch up with you guys or myself. How’s everyone been?

So driving school was a lot of work. I had to come home from school, do homework for the 3 hours I have, before going to driving school and coming home at 9. The first week (which was last week) was really tiring because it was the second to last week before spring break so of course, teachers were cramming in tests, quizzes, and essays. Not only because of the nearing spring break but also because the end of the third quarter was coming too.

As of this morning, my grades are actually pretty good, but I’m glad the grade book is closing up. Because, I kid you not, all of my grades are either B’s close to A’s (which frustrates me) or A’s close to B’s (which gives me anxiety, hoping that my teachers aren’t done entering work in). Imagine seeing an 89.0% (B grade)and literally, all you need to get an A is an extra .7% to make it an 89.7% this grading system/school system really pisses me off, but that’s for another post in the near future.

The second week of driving school, I just wanted to get out of there. The teacher noticed I didn’t talk much (thank you social anxiety) so he called me out about it during class and said he would take off participation points (which he can’t do) so that made me feel horrible. But he didn’t mention it again and just let me be so that was okay. But honestly, I’m glad it’s all over. I just need my 6 hours of instructional driving.

In piano class, I had a recital that I was in no way prepared for because I didn’t know what to play. I’ve been learning “A Thousand Years” by Christina Perri but I didn’t learn the whole 7-page song so I thought I would just do a song out of our piano book. But of course, I didn’t learn the book page piece until the day of the recital. Weirdly, I wasn’t anxious about my piano recital the night before, just the moment of it actually happening. So other students went to play their recital before me, and they played half of their songs, so I thought why not do “A Thousand Years?” I mean I’ve memorized the whole first part because I’ve been working on it since maybe November. Of course, my teacher called on me and it was like a minute before the bell rang. Well, my heart was pounding, but, I don’t know, the minute my fingers touched the piano and the sound came out it was like all the anxiety kind of faded away and it was just me and the music. I messed up my last note, but who doesn’t make mistakes here and there?

I went to a college fair as a high school field trip. This was my first field trip since 8th grade lol. It was kind of stressful. If anyone doesn’t know, a college fair is a place where students go to meet 100+ colleges with their booths set up in a reception hall or building. Well, there were 300+ colleges at this fair and there were so many buildings. The guide said there were 3 buildings but it felt like there were 10. (If you think 10 is an exaggeration I was about to say 20) Plus schools from all around the county came, so that’s 20+ schools. And you know what the worst part of it was? We only had 90 minutes. Plus we had to go in this alone. Well not alone alone, I was with my best friend. At first, we were both lost. Lol we actually walked out of one building and then walked into the same building but from a different side. But honestly, having her by my side gave me sanity and she made sure I got to go to the booths that interested me. If she wasn’t there I would just be hiding in a bathroom somewhere. I wish I had more time but I think I got enough brochures from colleges and settled on going to a college close to home or close to my state.

The day before the college fair, my friend literally saved me. I was stressed because I just had a meeting with my counselor about college. And there are SO MANY THINGS you have to do before applying. I mean it’s not just the SAT and a recommendation letter. So my friend helped me narrow down what I should be based on what I want to be and she gave me this website (lol she said that applying for the website was my homework) which will help me narrow down my choices and see where I should go.

Phoenix. I haven’t really been talking about him much. Well, not as much as I used to. I used to give weekly updates on everything going with him. Well, trust me, things are still very much complicated. He’s become a better texter time-wise. Last Sunday, he replied more than 5 times, on. the. same. day. So that helps my feelings. Then this past Monday, he saw me on the staircase at school and he tells me that he wants to hang out with me over Spring Break and we should text each other about it. I don’t really think it’s going to happen because I am still a girl with Indian parents. But, I mean, he really wants to hang out with me? And then he tells me little things while texting me that just make my heart want to explode. He’s doing something to me, I don’t know.

So, while texting, he said that our small interactions (because we barely see each other face-to-face, but sometimes we see each other for a few seconds) make his day. And he likes seeing me and teasing me. I told him that if it makes his day then mission accomplished and I like seeing him too. The teasing could be minimized though but I still like it. Then he tells me that he knew I liked the teasing and I told him I just said that so I wouldn’t sound too mean. And then he said your smile tells me otherwise. I don’t know it’s just things like that…. and then the fact that even though we barely see each other he doesn’t let go like everyone else so easily does. He actually tries in our friendship. I don’t want to ruin a great friendship.

But I mean he’s perfect. He’s perfect for a girl with anxiety. He told me that he doesn’t like parties. We were planning to go to a school play together but he couldn’t go, and he texted me saying that instead of going to the school play we should’ve gone somewhere where we could watch the beautiful sunset. ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME. Life really isn’t giving me a break. At least give me someone I can d.i.s.a.g.r.e.e. with. Then I told him that my dream one day is to just get away from the city and the people and the loudness and just look up at all the stars and their beauty, how I’ve never seen but a handful of stars and I wanna change that. And you know what he said?? Please, guess. I’ll give you a second.

Did you try? Please at least give it a try?

Ok, I won’t push you anymore. He said finally something great about you (he jokes around with me a lot don’t take this part seriously) that should be our goal for the summer or before the semester ends. We should make it happen. Yep. Yep. Yep. Of course, now it’ll be so easy to convince myself that we’re just friends (catch the sarcasm?) It’s like this past week I’ve just fallen deeper. Literally, the moment after I said I want to move. on. Hello Life, are you listening?

I don’t want to fall deeper. At least I don’t think I want to. I mean yes, he’s a great guy. He says so many sweet things. But he also friend zones me a lot. And I don’t know how much I can read between the lines before I just sdklfjlsdkf (that was me blowing up). And honestly, liking him isn’t good for me. It gives me so much anxiety. Plus, I hate some random girl I don’t even know just because she’s his ex-girlfriend and best friend. What is wrong with me? I didn’t even realize I was so absorbed in this nature of jealousy. I don’t know anything about this girl to hate her, apart from the fact that she was in my biology class last year for one semester, but I didn’t even pay that much attention to her (because if I did it would be weird, she was just another high school classmate) so I can’t even say she’s a bad person. Because she’s not. Yes, it hurts seeing them together but that doesn’t mean I have to hate this girl- which is what I’ve been doing for the past few months. And I hate hating people. I don’t want to hate her just because of my heart.

I just want to focus on myself. I need to. I need to think about who I want to be where I want to go in life. For one second I need to think of my well-being instead of worrying about what others think about me. I need to make sure I feel loved by myself and I’m proud of my own achievements.

This is why I’m excited about spring break. I’m just so ready for a break. I’m ready to destress for a little bit and take care of myself. Today itself, I took a nice shower and painted my nails and watched a movie. That might not seem like much, but it was a lot for me. I took care of myself. I did what makes me happy. I could forget about my worries for a second, and I think that’s all that matters right now.

«Music Friday»

One Time by Marian Hill

I’m so obsessed with Marian Hill. Their music is different from anything I usually listen to, which is why I love it. I first hear about them when they did a song with Lauren Jauregui, from my favorite band. Then I just started listening to that song on youtube in piano class and the autoplay thing on youtube was on and I was too lazy to stop it so I just listened to their music. One of the best decisions I’ve made. If you like this song, you should stream their whole album on Spotify, it gives you chills.

TRNDSTTR by Black Coast (Lucian Remix)

Hope you enjoy, have a great weekend everyone!

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the conclusion of falling.

(the beginning.)

I fell too hard.

I fell too deep.

But it’s not all my fault.

You’re to blame too.

I didn’t ask you to break down my walls.

I never told you to trust me.

I didn’t push to be your friend.

But you did.

Why did you want this?

I thought I could handle this,

but I can’t.

Because while I’m chasing after you,

you’ll always be chasing after her.

And I can’t handle that.

I can’t just be your friend.

I can’t just look at you and feel nothing.

And it might take me some time,

but I want to move on.

Becuase I can’t wait for someone who waits for someone else.

I don’t know why you wanted me as a friend,

I still don’t know why.

I don’t know why my heart fell for you,

but it did.

I will do all I can to keep this friendship going,

and to keep my heart beating.

Even if that means breaking it a little bit to erase your name,

from its clutches.

Because a guy like you shows up all the time.

But a friend like you is hard to find.

Maybe this isn’t the way I would choose it.

But I would rather have my heart break a little,

then break altogether.

It might take weeks to get over you,

or it might take months.

But I’m doing what’s best for me.

Maybe you’re not the one,

my heart needs.

Over the past few days,

I wondered what the point all of this was.

To fall for you, and just have it all go to waste.

But I’m happy that I fell.

I guess that I am.

I forgot what it was like to be happy for someone special to notice you.

I forgot what it was like to get a little jump in your heart.

I forgot what it was like to develop a relationship.

I forgot what it was like to think of the things you like about someone and get an immediate smile on your face.

I forgot how a simple stare and smile could affect you.

I forgot what it was like to fall.

If you didn’t show up,

I would still be hung up over a jerk.

And that’s not something I would want.

So thank you,

for being someone I could fall for.

And for showing me,

that I’m capable of finding someone special after being unable to for a long time.

Thank you for showing me what it’s like to fall.

Things didn’t turn out the way I would’ve liked them too

because you never felt the same way about me.

But I’m thankful that you were able to bring my heart into the light for a little bit.

Now, it’s time to move on,

because my heart can’t stick on you for too long.

I fell,

maybe I’m still falling.

But this time is different.

This time,

I won’t let gravity do its job.

«Music Friday»

Issues by Julia Michaels

Let It All Go by Birdy + RHODES

Empty by Olivia O’Brien

Beauty and the Beast (From “Beauty and the Beast”) – Ariana Grande & John Legend

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thoughts 9:38 pm

Have you ever grown so comfortable with someone that you saw yourself telling them all these secrets and giving them so much of yourself?

You wanted to further your relationship, you wanted to feel safe with them, you wanted it to last.

But things change. Somewhere along the way, they act differently… they don’t try anymore?

They say all these promises making all kinds of plans for the future. And for a second you, being the doubtful person you usually are, actually believe them for a second. You can actually picture having that road trip with them or simply hanging out with them and going for car rides once one of you gets your license.

But then that fantasy is shattered… because it’s never going to happen. Things have changed.

They have suddenly forgotten all the things they’ve said. Or they remember and they just said them to make you happy or “eased.”

Right now I’m going through these emotions. I’m not 100% sure that this friendship that I have with this guy is actually going nowhere but… he says that he wants to hang out with me, but he hardly wants to talk to me whenever we see each other in the hallway. I mean shouldn’t it mean something to him that we actually seeing each other face to face (because we never see each other anymore)? Does he care?

Sorry that this is so vague, I didn’t really plan to write a blog post about this but it’s just bothering me.

I actually saw myself furthering my friendship with this person, this would be one of the few first real friends I’ve made since freshman year, and I don’t have many real friends.

But, I don’t know, something just changed in the past week. His promises just became like everyone else’s.

I can’t really say much without going into detail…

I was just wondering has anyone gone through this feeling? Of trusting someone so much. So much trust that you felt safe giving them your secrets? But now giving them your secrets feels like a burden or… I don’t know it’s just not the same.

Have you ever had that feeling that a friendship that you have with someone isn’t progressing anymore, it’s just going backwards?

«Music Friday»

Cancer by Twenty One Pilots

song like you By Bea Miller

burning bridges By Bea Miller 

i can’t breathe By Bea Miller

I’ve been really obsessed with Bea Miller’s new EP, as you can see lol… her voice is just so raw and her songs are beautiful. Also, I’m still obsessed with Twenty One Pilots I don’t think my obsession with them will ever stop. Hope you enjoy and have a great weekend everyone: we made it to Friday!

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Short Sentences #17

The question isn’t how she became “insane.”

The question is how she managed to not break sooner.

As a kid, you wonder how people just “lose their minds.”

As you grow older, you see that it’s actually really hard to keep your mind intact.

How do people not just lose it and scream into the distance?

How do they manage to keep their sanity?

How do their minds not… just… break?

«Music Friday»

Rock Bottom by Hailee Steinfeld ft. DNCE

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thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you to the people who have forgotten all about me.

Thank you to the people who have constantly let me down.

Thank you to the people who make promises they know they’re not going to keep.

Thank you to the people who constantly break me down and add fuel to my anxiety.

Thank you to the people who think I need their opinions and acceptance to feel beautiful or at least worth something.

Thank you to the people who have torn me down.

Thank you to the people who don’t talk to me or care about me anymore.

Thank you to those who only show up once in a year and pretend that everything’s ok. That it was ok to leave me in the dust.

Thank you to the people who think it’s ok that my feelings get hurt. Or the ones who don’t even give a second thought to my feelings.

Thank you to the people who made me think that happiness is something I can’t have.

Thank you. Just thank you.

Thank you to the fake ones who have never cared once about me.

Or the ones who have cared and just pulled me along the way carrying false perceptions to the person that they really are.

I really, completely, honestly mean thank you. Maybe that two-word phrase should be a different two-word phrase with the first word beginning with an “F.” But no. It’s not. It will never be. I’m not being sarcastic.

I literally want to thank these people. Why?

Because they have broken me. They have hurt me. They have caused me pain. I’m thankful for all the anxiety they’ve given me.

I’m thankful for the brokenness because it’s made me who I am.

Without their consistent need to break my heart and disregard my feelings, I would be nowhere.

I wouldn’t be strong. I wouldn’t find a resilience. I wouldn’t feel the need to rise up out of the ashes.

I would be nowhere without these people, without this pain.

I might even be the same innocent girl I was 3 years ago. Thinking that the world is perfect and nothing bad will ever happen.

Thank you, because without these people I wouldn’t have standards. I wouldn’t believe so much in things. I wouldn’t be passionate about anything, about myself. I wouldn’t feel the need to shine, and fly after falling. I wouldn’t feel the need to find hope.

Without these people, I wouldn’t be me.

I wouldn’t have broken myself down to a point where I just want to crawl into a hole. I wouldn’t feel the need to rise above and be strong. I would think that the world is full of people who’ll have your back.

But this is the truth: it’s not. Everyone isn’t good with good intentions. There are fake people. Who can and will take advantage of you.

Without these fake people in my life, I would not be as strong as I am today.

I don’t know how many reasons I need to state to make this opinion a fact. I just hope that you, those who are reading this, understand that…

There are going to be people who will leave your life. Everyone isn’t going to stay. People might even break your heart, whether intentionally or unintentionally. It’s going to happen. But it’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s going to break you down. Down to a point where you just want to give up. But do not. Do not give these people the satisfaction of giving up. If you’re experiencing this moment, congratulations. Seriously: Congratulations! You’re being given a chance to show life who you really are. A fighter or not. You’re being given the chance to open the door to who you really are. It might hurt like hell and back just to get over this, but trust me, please, it’s going to be worth it in the end.

You’re going to be strong, brave, and beautiful. You were all these things way before any of this happened, but this is the moment where you realize that you actually are these things.

I know it’s hard, but it’s going to get better. I know that this is a generic term but this week has literally been me trying to figure out what I did wrong with someone and how I can take it back and turn back the chain of events. But ultimately, I can’t go back I can’t fix things. I can only feel. And I wasn’t ok, I still don’t think I’m perfectly ok.

I just need some time. But either way, it has made me stronger. It has opened my eyes in a way that I can’t describe. Things like this happen for a reason. Please don’t tell me you at least don’t think that things in your life happened because they’re part of something greater because everything is too connected for it not to make sense.

People are put in your life for a reason. And that reason is to either stay and give you love or leave and give you a lesson.

Please don’t give up. I know the pain. You can either dwell on the mistakes and be stuck forever or you can move on, thank the people and be the person you’re meant to become.

It’s your decision. But never forget, no matter what, you will always be brave, strong, and beautiful.

Nothing can change that.

«Music Friday (a day late)»

Down by Marian Hill

Let It Go by James Bay

Say You Won’t Let Go by James Arthur

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my heart is breaking and I can’t do anything.

People always warn you about life.

How it won’t always be what you expect it to be.

How your grades might be suckish but you have to keep trying.

How the friends that you have right now won’t always be the friends that you have forever.

How you might not even know what you want to do with your life when you’re on the cusp of college.

I understood all of that. I got that.

But how come no one ever told me about a broken heart?

Why don’t we get taught about a broken heart?

Because I have no idea what to do but feel.

And feeling things are just placing me slowly into my hole of sadness…but I don’t want to go to my hole of sadness.

I want to be happy. I want to not care. I don’t want to feel.

But my heart. My heart has other plans. It wants to make me suffer. It wants to do this.

I’m not blaming my heart but why does it have to do this?

You’ve never known heartbreak until you see or hear something and you can physically feel your heart dropping and breaking into a million pieces. If you’ve ever had that feeling then we’re in the same boat: hop on.

It’s literally the worst thing in the world. It especially sucks when you’re in a room full of people and you can’t tell anyone… your friends no one that your heart is breaking. Because it’s your problem, and you don’t want to bother them.

They wouldn’t understand. They’d think this is a trivial matter. “Get over it.”

How can I?

How do you expect me to get over something that’s been building up? Something that I didn’t even intend to build up? Something I didn’t even want to build up?

I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t let my heart keep breaking. But I don’t want to ruin something good. What’ll hurt more?

The present: Which is what’s happening right now. My heart continually breaking whenever I see him with her.

Or the future: What might happen if I tell him the truth. I’ll lose him as a friend and everything will turn to crap.

I’m sorry you don’t have any context and I’m being really vague. I’m just getting so tired of my mind reliving every small detail. I can’t keep recounting anymore because it just gets exhausting. But if you keep up with my posts you might know who I’m talking about, considering I never shut up about him. My content has really hit a low considering I only talk about him and I have so many other blogging ideas.

But every day is just another struggle. Another heartbreak. Another broken road. I can’t keep doing this to myself. It hurts so much.

Ever since he’s entered my life, I can’t see me handling all this stuff without him. I mean, he made me feel safe about talking about my anxiety. You know what he told me? I once told him that I don’t want to bother him with details about my life and he said the reason that we talk is because he wants to know more about me. He cares and makes it seem like my life is of interest. Like my life is worth talking about.

I’ve been happier since I’ve been talking to him, I’m not going to lie or sugarcoat that. I’ve been happier because of him.

I can’t do this. Did I say that phrase a lot? I don’t know.

How can you just stop having feelings for the guy who has everything you’ve dreamed of in a guy when you watched those Disney princess movies? In middle school, I had a crush on someone and I always pictured them as caring and genuine. But I was just picturing my crush as that when they were in fact not at all “that.” All those traits that I dreamed were in my crush are in him. The him who is unknowingly breaking my heart. The him who is my friend. The him who has a girlfriend or whatever they are.

You know what the funny thing is? The only reason I didn’t want him in any of my classes were to make this whole thing easier on me. On my heart. I thought not having him in my classes would prevent me from seeing him with her. But guess what? The only time I see him is when he’s with her. Is life just trying to spit on me and kick me where it hurts? I mean really? Is that even necessary?

I. Do. Not. Want. This.

I didn’t want these feelings. Why couldn’t I just like a random guy in one of my classes? Why did it have to become a thing? Why did a friendship have to come out of it?

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say.

I don’t want to move on. He literally makes me so happy.

I don’t want to lose him as a friend. I can talk to him about anything.

I don’t want to tell him that I like him. I can’t. Everyone in our school knows that him and his girlfriend are a thing. They’re an “item” or whatever it is. I would be like that weird girl in the movies who’s in the way of the main couple of being together. and I can’t ruin our friendship, not when it’s just starting.

I can’t do anything.

I can’t do anything. 

I can only pretend. Whenever I see him, I have to seem happy considering I never see him. But how can I be happy when he’s with her? Or when I know he’s just waiting to meet her somewhere? How can I pretend to be happy?

This is why I can’t ever say hi to him. This is why I can only fake smile at him. This is why I immediately turn away when I see him. This is why when I saw him at the end of first period I immediately looked for my friend who I was going to walk with to our next class and pretend that I didn’t see him. (My friend and him supposedly have the same class) This is why when he jokingly hit me on the head with his folder I couldn’t say anything, I couldn’t even smile. This is why I just watched him walk out the door.

Because there she was waiting for him to walk beside him.

I can’t do this. I can’t keep ruining myself and tearing myself down wondering what I don’t have that she does. What does she have that won’t make him walk away from me and say goodbye? What does she have that makes him want to always be with her?

Wow, I sound like the worst person on the planet. This girl hasn’t even done anything to me yet whenever I see her…. I hate hating people. I always promote love and nothing but that.

What is wrong with me? What happened to me? What are all these stupid feelings?

Why can’t life be good?? I should be happy to see him because I never see him nowadays. I should smile and say hi and joke around for a few seconds. I shouldn’t feel intimidated I shouldn’t feel the need to hide and walk faster to class. I should be happy. Yet, I’m not.

All I’m doing is feeling things and letting my heart break repeatedly.

I can’t take it. My anxiety can’t take it. My heart can’t take it. My well-being can’t take it.

Piece of advice: Never fall for one of your friends. It’s hell.

«Music Friday»

She’s So Gone by Naomi Scott

Yes you are correct. This is a song from a Disney Channel movie lol. Don’t judge me. It’s a really good movie extra 10 points considering I really love music and the movie is focused on a band creating their music and figuring themselves out. It’s just a really good song that I like. I love the message in the song that… you can look for the girl that I was but she’s (so) gone because I’m not her anymore and will never be her again. This song just really makes me think of how much I’ve changed to become the person I am today.

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