m o r e.

Have you ever seen those tweets where it says “The best kind of friendships are the ones where you could be gone for a year or not talk to each other for a long time and things will still be good between the both of you?”

(This is a summarization of those tweets, I forgot what it said word-by-word.

Is it weird that I wouldn’t be able to do this?

Maybe you’ll tell me I don’t know the feeling yet cause I just got out of high school and into college so my friends haven’t started their individual lives yet.

But my anxiety makes it so that anyone who stops talking to me doesn’t want to associate themselves with me anymore.

Does that make me petty?

Does my anxiety make it so that the tweet above can’t be something I can ever do?

I mean maybe I could. I might be able to trust it with my two childhood friends but one always makes sure to update me and the other, I see all the time.

So I’m not sure I could ever do what’s said above.

Does that make me any less human?

Is it something I have to accept?

Should I apologize for needing consistency?

Okay, I’m not talking about day-to-day updates… that’s too much for a person to uphold.

But at least a check in once in a while making sure the other person is okay.

That’s understandable, right?

Maybe my anxiety is to blame.

If there is a blame.

It’s just, I overthink too much, a doubt in my head is the last thing I want.

At least someone I know will be there at the end of the day if I ever need anything.

Someone I could tell all my fears to and they won’t judge me.

Someone who doesn’t “ghost” themselves for unknown reasons.

Like I understand busy.

I’ve been busy.

I am busy.

But too busy to check in?

And then to have months and months to pass by and still hear nothing?

I wouldn’t be able to vibe with that, I’m sorry.

I would need more.

And that’s just who I am.

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Foreshadowing and Signs

You know in English class when your teacher talked about foreshadowing?

Predicting the future because of something mentioned earlier in the story.

So since foreshadowing exists in books, can it exist in life?

Have you ever foreshadowed your life?

Can’t remember?

Let me ask a similar question with different wording.

Have you ever believed in signs?

And I’m not talking about the signs on the road that tell you to stop and slow down.

I’m talking about the signs that you “see” in the universe.

For example, some signs are when you like someone. You try to pick out every detail that might lead to a possibility that you guys will end up together.

That’s a sign.

And it’s also you trying to foreshadow your own life.

Now I think I’ve pretty much done the sign method (can I call it a method? Eh who cares, I’m trying to make a point lol) with every guy I’ve had a crush on. And I’ve done the sign method with every friend I get to know better.

Because I wanna know if a friendship will last or not, through looking at signs (foreshadowing).

And maybe you use this method for your whole future. You know “I did this one bad thing earlier so I’m afraid the world will treat me badly.” I guess its sorta like karma in a way except more complicated.

You try to see signs that lead to a bright future.

And if you’re religious, like me, you might even ask God for a sign that this is all worth it in the end.

But here’s what I’ve learned about signs…

See, the last time I liked someone there were so many signs that a possible future was near that even some of my friends saw it.

And then, out of nowhere, it was like a sign that said go actually got misread and meant stop.

So stop.

Stop reading and looking for signs.

Signs mean absolutely nothing.

Signs just mean you’re looking for a way for the universe to give you comfort when the other person should give you comfort.

And if you’re not looking for signs in a person but rather a situation, like your future… then stop trying to read signs and instead accelerate.

Go, make your future.

Stop trying to see if this way is giving you good vibes or not.

Take a chance and risk it.

And if it doesn’t work out, it’s ok.

That’s the beauty of a story.

And ending it when it’s about to get good is like reading an addicting book and just stopping in the middle.

Not knowing how it ends.

So stop trying to read signs because honestly no sign will ever tell you of the future.

If most of the signs I’ve seen in the past were anywhere near remotely right, I might have my own tv show or become a fortune teller.

But I’m not.

Reading signs gets you nowhere.

You think you might have a person or a situation all figured out.

But just when you think you do, life is like “Nope, you thought.”

I thought I knew that a person would never let me down. But sometimes that happens and you have to let a toxic person out of your life when you least expect it.

And that’s just that. That’s life. And we have to learn how to live knowing we can’t control our futures or see into the future.

We can’t foreshadow our lives.

So stop trying to.

Stop trying to read signs.

The only sign that should be consuming your mind is the one telling you to take one step closer to your future.

Wherever that leads.

But honestly not knowing something isn’t as bad as thinking you know it and having the rug pulled out from under you at the last minute.

Its ok if you don’t know what’s gonna happen at the end of your story.

Personally, I like when I know or at least can guess what’s going to happen at the end of a movie or t.v. show. But it’s also okay not to know.

I think its better when you don’t know because it makes for a better surprise.

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space.

So I have a difficult ultimatum to make.

I have the choice to let go of someone special to me and I have no idea how to do it.

Not necessarily, “let go.”

But I need to tell this person that I need space away from them to recover from everything they’ve put me through.

It’s not that I want to do this.

But I have to do this.

I love this person so much, you have no idea how much I love this person.

But all that they’re giving me isn’t enough for me.

It’s like I’m giving them 100% and they’re giving me half.

And it’s not fair to myself to belittle the pain I’m feeling for the sake of the other person.

It’s hurting me and I’m continuously getting hurt.

So I have to let them know and I need space away from that for a while.

But like I said earlier, I love this person so much.

So it’s going to be so hard, I haven’t told them I need space yet.

I”m sort of mentally preparing myself right now because the minute I say this, things change.

And I don’t want things to change because once things change I step out of my comfort zone.

But if I don’t step out of my comfort zone, I continuously suffer internally not letting the other person know.

And if I keep this inside, I’m only hurting myself more than I already am from this person.

So, yeah, I don’t know.

Has anyone else been through this? It would be great if you shared…

Also, sorry, I really like storytelling and specifics but I honestly don’t want to repeat the story again so I gave a vague version.

Also because the specifics aren’t really important I guess, it’s just the fact that I don’t feel happy with their friendship anymore and it’s internally messing with my heart, my mind, my anxiety, my well-being and it’s not healthy.

So I wanted to know if anyone had any input on this.

Thank you to anyone who read this.

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to: Lyra

When our friendship began, I was cautious. Because up to this point, many people have hurt me.

So I wasn’t about to be hurt again by another fake friend or someone who’s only my friend for a certain class period.

But then that fire drill happened and you included me. With all your friends.

And I realized… you were different.

You didn’t leave. I wasn’t a burden.

That was the day I realized I might actually have made a real friend.

The year passed by and we got to know each other more.

We found out we were exact carbon copies of each other and we flowed on the same wavelength.

We laughed at the same things, had the same humor, thought the same, felt the same, etc.
We became close.

Then we synced phone details day by day. You ended up literally everywhere on my phone… Snapchat, Twitter, messages, youtube, etc.

It was awkward at first but we fought through the barriers.

We became friends.

It was so beautiful, to be honest. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I was cautious to tell you who I liked but I wanted someone at school to know.

That day, the moment I told you, I knew I could trust you and there was no going back.

We made it through that year, our bond growing stronger.

More guy drama, more venting, more jokes, more playful hurt. Real, genuine friendship.

For the first time in a long time, I was happy.

Happy to not be scared anymore.

Happy to open up to someone new.

Happy to just be able to call you my friend.

Because you were there at every step of anything.

I don’t know why it was easy with you, it just was.

I don’t remember much of last summer.

But I know one of my highlights was that long ass phone call. I’m not gonna try to guess how long we talked, I forget.

But it was my longest phone call.

And then the new school year started.

Our senior year.

I still remember the moment I saw you after 3 months.

I don’t know how to describe it.

It was like revisiting the past by listening to an old song that you still love and isn’t overplayed. That jittery feeling in your heart comes as you remember all the words, that’s what it felt like.

I was mad at you though. Cause we never saw each other in the summer. But I wasn’t actually mad. I told you about it and made it into a joke later. My favorite part about our friendship is that I could make the hurt into jokes because no small dent could ruin this friendship.

Or, at least, that’s what I thought.

It’s funny, we still managed to see each other every day that year. Life liked us together I guess.

When I switched into bio it was like the puzzle finally fit cause I wasn’t meant to see you every other day.

But the first half of this year felt like my selfish repeat. I fell back into the feelings I thought I got rid of. That you heard me get rid of. But you were still with me every step of the way in that and our situations were the same. We were literally riding the same wave. Yeah, it was trippy but what isn’t nowadays?

The guitar concert was fun mainly because you were there. That was the day we actually went outside of school for the first time and hung out/ ate food. Being the way we are, I would’ve pointed it out to you. But for some reason, I didn’t. It seemed lame. It felt like if I said it I would ruin it.

Then you were with me through the heartbreak. We vented to each other on Christmas. With the usual 9 messages or so.

It was a good Christmas.

And when I thought about letting someone toxic go, I thought about all the people I did have and truly make me happy, and you were one of the first that came to my mind, no doubt.

Those few months were hard but you made them easy and happy.

But… he was still there because he had a small hold on you. You were still his friend. And it hurt. I tried to let it go. Sometimes it worked but then he would come around again and it was like a refresh. You could go back, but I couldn’t. But it was my heart, not yours.

I used to think if you are still friends with him, the person who broke your friend’s heart, it doesn’t take much to be your friend.

But that was fucked up. So I let that be.

We bonded over our hurricanes. One night we had our golden convos and I told you to stop overanalyzing.

Life sank in and college deadlines were approaching.

I don’t know what happened.

The gym thing definitely set it off. The day you left me alone in a gym for an hour and a half. Because you saw a cute guy with some of our other friends.

But I forgave that.

Then I sent you some songs to listen to.

And you said you would listen to them when you got home.

But days turned to weeks and nothing.

I forgave that too.

Then I was stressed about asking my dad to go away to college.

But I somehow built some kind of courage and told him.

And you know who the first person I told was?

You.

I called you up first, even though I felt distant that week, I still called you.

I was already on skype with one of our friends, but I still told you first. Impulse? I guess.

And you picked up. And you were happy for me. I tol you this was why I was distant and you said that you noticed. But the call didn’t last long because you were busy. You said you would call me back. But you didn’t.

And it’s like everything piled onto each other. All these reasons to be mad at you, even though I didn’t want to be, simmered in my mind.

It all started to hurt me.

You started to hurt me.

So the distance kept growing.

Then you stopped coming to class and only came in the last few minutes.

I was left alone. And I convinced myself you didn’t want to be near me.

My phone became your replacement for that time period.

But I didn’t want to feel this way towards you. But I just did. And I couldn’t stop it, nor could I talk to you about it. Because I didn’t want you to see me as a horrible person.

Weeks go by and I know you know I’m feeling a certain way. But you give me my space.

I start getting more feelings I can’t describe. Hurt? Jealousy? Pettiness?

I don’t care for the guys that hit on you. I start getting jealous when I see you with other friends. I take you being distracted and losing attention as a flaw.

Which is something I never used to do before but started doing.

A few weeks later and prom is coming up and we talk a bit outside about it.

We weren’t able to take pictures at homecoming because we didn’t think about it when we saw each other, but I told you we have to take pictures at prom to make up for it.

So prom day approaches.

And I see you for less than a minute. You say hi, hug me, then leave. And I don’t see you for the rest of that.

I saw ou at after prom and you scold me for not seeing you when you saw me.

And then more stuff just piles on and on to the hurt. And I tell no one about it.

I should’ve been able to tell you about it… but I was scared.

I know you love me and care about me, but your actions told my anxiety another story. 

Then our last day of high school comes and you ask me, “Are we cool?” And I never thought to answer honestly. I just say, “Yeah why?”

And up until that point, it didn’t seem like you noticed how I was feeling. But you did. Then we took pictures. I had to call and text you to ask cause I didn’t want this to be a repeat of homecoming AND prom.

But something was still missing.

So that night, I finally rant to one of my close friends about this feeling and she helped me through it.

A few days pass and you tell me you need to tell me stuff.

Graduation day comes and I’m wearing a red graduation robe but you’re wearing white so you’re on the other side of the sweat-filled, claustrophobic, not really, gym.

I still managed to see you in a face full of people though.

After coming out of the stadium place, after we graduated, I saw you.

And it’s like an instinct too over me. Because, next thing I knew, I was yelling your name, running to you, and hugging you.

And we took a picture.

And for a moment it felt like we were gonna be okay.

You asked me to send you the pictures that we took so you can post them as a part 3 to your graduation series on Instagram.

I sent them… and waited. But you never did post them.

But it’s just social media, right?

We were supposed to do this job opportunity together.

But you never got back to me.

A couple days later, you tell me that you still need to catch me up on your life.

Because as time passed, I realized I didn’t know what was going on in your life and vice versa.

Because it felt like you were living your life without me in it. And you were happy. And I didn’t want to mess with that.

Then I went through one of the most heartbreaking days of my life, my grandma passed away.

I told you about it out of the blue and you asked me if I needed to talk.

I told you I was fine.

A couple weeks later, you tell me you still need to catch me up on your life. It’s been a month since you first said that.

You needed to tell me everything in detail but you gave me a quick summary over text.

And one of the things that happened was that you told me you had your first kiss. And I didn’t know about it until you told me at that moment which was about a month later from when it happened.

And that hurt.

Then you said you had to call me for details… I want to ask you why we can’t hang out. But I never do.

A week later, you ask me how I’m doing. And then you finally ask me the monumental question:

“Are we good?”

I don’t think I can perfectly describe how conflicting my whole being became at that moment. It would be so easy to tell you, of course, we’re good. But it would feel so damn good to get this feeling off my chest, whatever it was.

I spent the whole night thinking about it and the following morning.

Then I started typing a message in my notes and I would decide, in the end, if I would send it to you or not.

I typed all of the above in that message. I wrote out my whatever this hurt feeling is. I told you I wanted you to be happy.

I decided that I would send it. And I did.

You read it immediately as I sent it.

And you sent me a bunch of paragraphed messages back.

In summary, you told me you understood how I was feeling, you’re sorry, and you want me to come to you if I ever feel that way again.

You told me you noticed at the jump, that I was feeling distant, but you didn’t want to bother me and you thought I would come to you when I was ready.

I told you I thought because you didn’t talk to me about it, you didn’t notice.

Each of our perspectives on it basically clashed with each other and we realized that we should’ve just talked an communicated with each other.

And for the first time, in a long time, I felt like a weight was completely off my shoulders.

And it felt like everything was going to go back to normal.

Then after apologizing for a few days to each other, you told me for the third or fourth time, you needed to catch me up on your life.

And this time, I actually wanted to hear what was happening without feeling weird.

But I was still cautious.

You started sending me messages on Instagram again.

It still felt uneasy to me.

Then weeks past and you still haven’t got back to me.

On the first day of this month, you get back to me and say it’s been a while. I tell you I’m ready to hear it all. But I’m not.

I’m not ready to talk on the phone with you.

Because for the first time, I get anxiety talking to you on the phone.

But I think, it’s gonna pass.

I miss your call. So I call you back and the tone of your voice… I knew that tone too well.

You were gonna say you were busy. I took less than 20 minutes to call you back. But you were busy.

You were talking to someone else on the phone and you said you would call me back in 30 minutes.

There’s a part of me that’s sceptic about that. But we had that whole conversation and I thought you would change.

But nothing changed.

You told me who you were on the phone with and you got carried away and I told you I was going to bed (it was midnight) and it was okay. Another day, right?

So a weekend goes by and you tell me you were busy.

You call me on a Monday. And it feels like it did before.

Because you really have been living your own life. Things happened to you I didn’t know about. People came in your life didn’t even know about. Friends you grew close to this year knew more about your life than I did. And that hurt because you used to tell me the moment of.

But half of that is m fault because I was too in my head.

I end the call because I have to go to my aunt’s house. But I tell you I’m gonna call you back.

And I do.

And you’re on your way to the library to meet up with one of our friends. To talk about one of our other friends liking you.

Which is what you had to talk to me about. So you kept me on the phone so we all could listen and talk about it.

But why did I have to be on the phone? I wasn’t doing anything that day. You knew that. But I don’t know…

I listen to the story quietly then listen as you ask questions to the other friend who knew more about the story.

Then you mentioned his name.

No, not the name of our friend who likes you.

You mentioned his name. Phoenix’s name. And you knew how I felt about that, I told you how it made me feel. You apologized for being his friend that day I told you what was wrong but will anything change?

Then his name was mentioned again and again and again and again.

Then there were moments I felt excluded from the conversation itself. It already felt distant enough being on the phone.

Then you and our friend mentioned all these hangouts I didn’t even know you guys went on.

That was the moment it all sunk in.

It all got to me and I cried. While I was on the phone. But not so that you guys could hear.

So I told my other friend I needed to talk to her, and she found a way to get me out of the phone call so I could vent to her about everything.

Then I went camping and escaped from everything for a while.

And the day after I came back, you texted me.

You caught me up on something but you also told me you’re leaving for college on Saturday.

You ask me how I am and I tell you about camp and you start asking me all these questions like, “How long were you there?” “How was it?” “I’m glad you had fun.”

And even though the past 2 months, you’ve never asked me to hang out, I thought you would make plans with me before you left.

But you didn’t.

I saw on your social media that you talked about being booked with hangouts.

And if I wasn’t burned before, that definitely did it for me.

So…

you’re leaving for college tomorrow.

But it’s like,

you’re already gone.

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i’m sorry.

Will an “i’m sorry” take away the tears I already shed?

Will an “i’m sorry” get rid of my anxiety?

Will an “i’m sorry” make the overthinking seem ridiculous?

Will an “i’m sorry” fix the moments where you weren’t there?

Will an “i’m sorry” mend a broken heart?

Will an “i’m sorry” remove my puffy eyes?

Will an “i’m sorry” make me change my playlist from sad to happy music?

Will an “i’m sorry” remove the moments of heartbreak?

Will an “i’m sorry” erase bad times?

Will an “i’m sorry” stop my wandering mind?

Will an “i’m sorry” remove the scars of my heart?

Will an “i’m sorry” replace as a band-aid?

Will an “i’m sorry” fix the absence you left in my heart?

Will an “i’m sorry” turn a rain cloud into a sun?

Will an “i’m sorry” take too much out of you?

Will an “i’m sorry” be able to rewrite the pages?

Will an “i’m sorry” make me feel bad?

Will an “i’m sorry” make me feel stupid?

Will an “i’m sorry” mean more coming from you?

Will an “i’m sorry” mean nothing?

Will an “i’m sorry” save me?

Will an “i’m sorry” take away the pain?

Will an “i’m sorry” be something you’re capable of?

Will an “i’m sorry” make everything okay again?

Will an “i’m sorry” make me happy?

Will an “i’m sorry” mean something from you?

Will it change anything?

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you are enough. and you don’t need a signifcant other to prove that.

As a quiet, observant teenager I notice a lot of things.

I see stories, I see people, I see things no one else sees.

But there’s one specific thing I’ve seen that really bothers the hell out of me.

And that specific thing, I’ve seen in the actions of my own generation, in kids of my own age… in me.

Teenagers have built a toxic mentality when it comes to having or falling for a significant other. 

I’ve seen it in television, in my friends, and as I said before, in me.

You see, when I was falling for Phoenix I did things I’m not proud of: I put him in the forefront of my mind. 

The only texts I cared about was his.

The only smile I cared to see was his.

The only person I wanted to hug was him.

There was even a time when I used to pick my friend up after her first period last year and half of the reason why I wanted to was because he was in her class (half, I still wanted to see my friend… but that doesn’t justify my mentality).

But it’s not only me who does this.

In the past week only, I’ve seen my friends do it too.

My best friend, Luna, has liked her crush for 3 years. She’s a very closed off person and is very unemotional. So it’s hard to talk to her about things or have her talk about her feelings.

I don’t like her crush. He’s not good for her. And her mentality is truly toxic. She’s the type of person that, if she were to fall in love, she would love the guy 100%. And she would love him and not love herself, the only way she could love herself was if he loved her for herself… if that makes sense. And it pisses me off because she deserves so much more than a guy. But a guy and loving a guy is the only thing on her mind.

The only thing on our, teenagers, minds.

So I showed her something that hurt and she was unemotional about it. I asked her why she doesn’t care and she told me she’s pretty much unemotional about things… unless it involves her family or him. Him. Basically, she said she doesn’t care about anything unless it involves this guy. That made me mad.

Not only at her, but for her. Because her mentality is so focused on a guy that she doesn’t even realize the toxicity of it.

But I can’t be mad at her because I used to be her.

I mean Phoenix wasn’t the only thing that made me emotional over the past year, but whether I talked to him or not it determined my mood for the day sometimes.

And I couldn’t control it.

And another example, one of the many things Luna cares about it how fast her crush replies to her text. This week, he took 4 days to reply to a text of hers. That was pretty much one of the only things on her mind.

When she told me that (through text), I didn’t reply to her text.

Because of a text? Really? It’s only been 4 days. As long as you know he’s going to reply it’s all good. At least be thankful you know he’s going to reply.

She, again, pissed me off.

Why? Because she puts all of her efforts into pleasing this guy? Yes. But also I can see pieces of the girl I used to be in her. The pieces of a girl who was falling headfirst before thinking about herself; pieces of a girl before heartbreak, pieces of a girl who put a guy at the forefront of everything in her life.

And it scares me. Because I honestly can’t do anything for her. She knows what happened with Phoenix: all the heartbreak, overthinking, and tears. I even told her before that I don’t want her to feel the way I felt over Phoenix. But it won’t change her mentality. Because this guy is “all she has.” There’s no one falling for her. So she falls for the only person she can fall for in her life.

And I haven’t only seen this in Luna, but my other friends.

This week at lunch, one of my friends said that she wants a boyfriend. Because she wants someone to hold her, give her cute hugs and all that. Make her happy. My other friend, Hydra, agreed with her.

Why?

I don’t understand it. I mean, I do, I’ve lived through it. But why are we like this?

When my friend said she wanted hugs and happiness I thought, “Don’t we,  your friends, give that to you? Isn’t that enough?”

Isn’t it enough? Isn’t the love of friends and the love of yourself enough?

Why isn’t it enough? Why doesn’t it feel like it’s enough?

Why is it that as teenagers we always chase after someone? I know for a fact one of the reasons I wanted Phoenix so much was because I just wanted cute hugs and hand-holding. But can’t my friends give that to me?

Actually… my friends do give that to me. But the difference is, when they hug me I ACTUALLY feel safe and loved, something Phoenix has never made me feel. Because, as much as I can force myself to believe something that’s not true… at the end of the day, I can’t force him to care about me as much as I care about him.

And I’m learning to accept that.

I know. Most of my friends would yell at me for not trying harder with him because maybe if I tried a little harder he would be my boyfriend. I’m in a place with him that my friends would love to be in.

A crush who actually knows your name, your personality, and knows you for who you are.

But I don’t want more… anymore.

I don’t want to force something that isn’t there.

I’m not in a place where a boyfriend would be a good choice.

I’ve never been in a relationship. Personally, it scares me. And I don’t think jumping into one is the best choice. Especially if I am “right there.”

I want to love myself before being given the opportunity to love someone else. Because maybe if I told Phoenix sooner, we would be in a relationship and I would’ve eventually fallen in love with him. But it wouldn’t have been right, to him or me.

Because there are times when I still can’t look in a mirror and moments where I find it hard to love myself.

And that’s the problem.

Society has toxified our minds.

Making us think that the only way we can love ourselves and feel “complete” is if we had someone else, a significant other, to do it for us.

But how do you expect to love someone if you can’t even love yourself?

And what would you do with yourself if that person suddenly didn’t love you anymore? Would you suddenly not love yourself anymore? Because you weren’t enough?

What is it with us and thinking we aren’t enough?

We. Are. So. Enough. It’s. Actually. Inexplainable. How. Enough. We. Are.

Yes, having a significant other to hold and be happy with would be nice… but it shouldn’t be because we feel empty inside.

It should be because we feel whole and okay that we want to share that wholeness with someone else.

It shouldn’t be because we need to be saved.

Because that person’s purpose isn’t gonna be to save you. Only you can save yourself.

Our friends, family, ourselves… that’s enough.

Just because the person you really want to talk to isn’t talking to you doesn’t mean you should treat the actual people who love you like crap.

There are some incredible people that are here for you.

Don’t take them for granted just because that one boy or girl doesn’t like you.

We have our whole lives to live and to fall in love.

Do you really wanna think back and only remember the days that went by hoping some irrelevant crush texted you or not?

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