Am I a Good Driver?

I’m sensitive when it comes to my driving.

Driving is basically a skill.

I’ve been practicing this skill for 2 and a half? years now.

I would say I’m pretty good and I have DEFINITELY improved.

No one really taught me how to parallel park or reverse park into a specific driveway (like the one I have) I learned that on my own (with the help of my non-driving cousin) so I would say that’s an achievement.

And as you become a driver, a lot of new anxieties come to play.

And there are so many different ranges of anxieties that I’m just gonna focus on one today…

Driving other people/friends.

So as I started out this post: “I’m sensitive when it comes to driving.”

I mean, think about it, you don’t wanna be that driver that NO ONE wants to drive with, in the car.

If it were that way, it’s like they’re doubting your ability or taking away shreds of your achievements.

So storytime…

I have this friend who I drive with sometimes.

She’s actually the only person, apart from my cousin, I’ve driven alone with (my parents recently let me drive alone).

Whenever I drive and she’s in the passenger seat, it’s chill. There was actually one time I was getting out of the parking lot and I noticed I got better at driving and I said it out loud and she was like “You did!”

But then the next day or a couple days later if we’re with other people or something and she tells them that I drove she’ll say “We almost crashed.” And she’ll say it in a way that our other friends will believe her.

I didn’t take it in a bad way… until she said it every time we drove together.

And then today, I was talking to her on the phone. I was saying how she needs to get her license soon and that I’ve actually never seen her drive. And then she says: At least I know I’m better than you. (Or something along those lines I don’t remember word for word whoopsss, trust me, I’m credible)

That, of course, hurt.

But I let it go.

But of course, now those words want to haunt me as I’m trying to go to bed. These overwhelming thoughts sure do love to come at the perfect time!!!

And now it’s the only words I can replay over and over in my brain.

Now you see why I’m sensitive about my driving?

Because it’s something I’ve worked hard on.

My driving instructors all fell asleep while teaching me to drive because they had nothing more to teach me at the time and the only thing keeping me away from a license was the 1 and a half year time limit.

I had to be taught driving by my Indian father who tends to scream and get anxious… A LOT. So the fact that he only maybe screams three times whenever I drive nowadays, is an accomplishment.

I once drove 2 hours on the highway going from state to state because my parents needed me too.

All this hard work makes me a good driver.

So why am I doubting myself because of one friend’s opinion? (Or they may be jokes, I don’t know my sensitive side is speaking)

Maybe it’s because not only my opinion matters. The opinion of others matter too.

It’s like when you make food.

You’re biased to your own concoction. But when you ask others to taste it, that’s when your credibility comes in.

That’s when you can say “I make great egg fried rice!” (And yes my egg fried rice is the bomb, but notttt the pointtt)

I’m trying to figure out something hopeful to say to wrap this whole post up (you know, the Rebecca trademark) but I honestly don’t know how to end without sounding biased or something.

I don’t know. I mean it was only a couple of months ago before my parents let me drive where, whenever I drove, I would pinpoint certain things I did that I had to improve. I still sort of do that, but since I drive longer than 10 minutes now it’s not something I dwell on like I did so much back then.

Driving is just really… complex.

Some of us drive, some of us don’t.

Some of us are skilled, some of us need more practice (which isn’t a bad thing).

And some of us get offended of other people’s critiques, and some of us don’t (which I really envy).

But that’s just life.

I’m not gonna ultimately stop driving just because my friend says this stuff. Maybe they are just jokes and I’m taking them lightly because I worked hard to be at a good level.

Whatever it is, the great thing about life is that none of us are masters of anything. Not even anything we love or study. We learn something new every day. There’s new information that comes up and is discovered every day. We’re constantly learning and growing.

And as long as we allow ourselves to learn and grow, that’s something no one can ever make us feel bad about.

So don’t.

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I’m Too Scared to Talk About This

So… sorry.

I really have been busy.

I’m still trying to figure out my life schedule.

Honestly, my sleeping is a big question mark.

Today, I didn’t have class but I took a nap for 2 hours even though I wasn’t really planning to or even really tired?

So bear with me as I try to figure out how blogging fits into my weird schedule.

So after two weeks, why not dive into the deep?

And by deep, I mean deep. So stay cautious.

I just thought about this a couple of minutes ago but what if one of my friends were to give up?

What if it was the last text, word, I love you… etc?

And I know this is unnecessarily dark but it’s the reality of life at the same time.

It’s the stigmatization that scares us so we never really talk about it.

But I don’t know one of these days, what if that friend who needs our help isn’t just going through a bad page in their book?

I mean I know one of my friends who lost one of her friends to suicide and I never really grasped the subject until now.

So context?

One of my friends, I gave her the name Aikra in the past, on my blog.

Aikra called me yesterday at 2 A.M.

So I asked why she called and she told me she was going through some stuff so I told her to call me after school.

She never called but we texted some.

Then she was supposed to call today and I saw that she posted somewhere that someone needed to drive to her so she doesn’t do something risky.

At this point, I got scared.

I texted her “Are you okay?”

At this point, I wasn’t scared.

Then she said “Yeah I”m fine thanks bby”

But after that text, she sends “Ily”

It’s not weird for her not to spell out I love you, she rarely does. It kinda scared me that she said I love you.

Because isn’t it a pattern for people who are about to do something bad they randomly declare statements of affection to those they love?

So that “Ily” scared me.

Because for the first time I realized, it could happen.

And it literally made my heart sink at just the thought of losing anybody I loved and not being able to be there or they felt like I wasn’t there.

I remember in middle school, maybe. One of my best friends showed a lot of signs of depression. She doesn’t talk about her feelings much or really anything until I or someone else pushes. She’s the type of person to use a safety pin or something to make marks on her wrist (Which she did do once).

She scares me a lot.

Because she gets in her head a lot. Like me, but to a deeper extent. A scarier extent.

So one day I just sat on my floor and prayed to God that she won’t make the decision to take her life. I still need her.

And that moments was years ago.

She’s still here, thank God.

But life is just so precious.

It only takes a second, a millisecond, for things to happen.

Things happen without your control.

Things happen without your say.

And as someone who’s thought about “How would other people feel if I wasn’t here?” numerous times it scares me.

Because what/who scars us, hurts us, throws us, deletes us, bruises us so much we believe the only way out is to ultimately… to be gone?

This is a subject I’m still learning every day about, so I’m going to tread lightly.

But I’m glad I didn’t listen to those wavering thoughts. I’m glad I just cried myself to sleep. I’m glad I just prayed to God.

Some moments, I’m not so glad. I’m not happy about where my path leads. I’m scared of SO MUCH.

But in the end, I’m happy I made it this far.

I am.

And I would feel so broken if someone I love wasn’t happy.

If they thought the only way out was to give up.

I never want to have that feeling again, but I know sometimes I have to drop everything I’m doing to listen to someone who needs me.

And I have no complaints about that.

»Music Friday«

Since I’m slowly starting to revert back to my blog, why not start doing Music Friday’s again. So Music Friday is just when I would share what music I’ve been obsessed with this week.

  • Let Me Down Slowly – Alec Benjamin ft. Alessia Cara

  • All of the Love in the World – Lily Kershaw

 

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m o r e.

Have you ever seen those tweets where it says “The best kind of friendships are the ones where you could be gone for a year or not talk to each other for a long time and things will still be good between the both of you?”

(This is a summarization of those tweets, I forgot what it said word-by-word.

Is it weird that I wouldn’t be able to do this?

Maybe you’ll tell me I don’t know the feeling yet cause I just got out of high school and into college so my friends haven’t started their individual lives yet.

But my anxiety makes it so that anyone who stops talking to me doesn’t want to associate themselves with me anymore.

Does that make me petty?

Does my anxiety make it so that the tweet above can’t be something I can ever do?

I mean maybe I could. I might be able to trust it with my two childhood friends but one always makes sure to update me and the other, I see all the time.

So I’m not sure I could ever do what’s said above.

Does that make me any less human?

Is it something I have to accept?

Should I apologize for needing consistency?

Okay, I’m not talking about day-to-day updates… that’s too much for a person to uphold.

But at least a check in once in a while making sure the other person is okay.

That’s understandable, right?

Maybe my anxiety is to blame.

If there is a blame.

It’s just, I overthink too much, a doubt in my head is the last thing I want.

At least someone I know will be there at the end of the day if I ever need anything.

Someone I could tell all my fears to and they won’t judge me.

Someone who doesn’t “ghost” themselves for unknown reasons.

Like I understand busy.

I’ve been busy.

I am busy.

But too busy to check in?

And then to have months and months to pass by and still hear nothing?

I wouldn’t be able to vibe with that, I’m sorry.

I would need more.

And that’s just who I am.

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you are enough. and you don’t need a signifcant other to prove that.

As a quiet, observant teenager I notice a lot of things.

I see stories, I see people, I see things no one else sees.

But there’s one specific thing I’ve seen that really bothers the hell out of me.

And that specific thing, I’ve seen in the actions of my own generation, in kids of my own age… in me.

Teenagers have built a toxic mentality when it comes to having or falling for a significant other. 

I’ve seen it in television, in my friends, and as I said before, in me.

You see, when I was falling for Phoenix I did things I’m not proud of: I put him in the forefront of my mind. 

The only texts I cared about was his.

The only smile I cared to see was his.

The only person I wanted to hug was him.

There was even a time when I used to pick my friend up after her first period last year and half of the reason why I wanted to was because he was in her class (half, I still wanted to see my friend… but that doesn’t justify my mentality).

But it’s not only me who does this.

In the past week only, I’ve seen my friends do it too.

My best friend, Luna, has liked her crush for 3 years. She’s a very closed off person and is very unemotional. So it’s hard to talk to her about things or have her talk about her feelings.

I don’t like her crush. He’s not good for her. And her mentality is truly toxic. She’s the type of person that, if she were to fall in love, she would love the guy 100%. And she would love him and not love herself, the only way she could love herself was if he loved her for herself… if that makes sense. And it pisses me off because she deserves so much more than a guy. But a guy and loving a guy is the only thing on her mind.

The only thing on our, teenagers, minds.

So I showed her something that hurt and she was unemotional about it. I asked her why she doesn’t care and she told me she’s pretty much unemotional about things… unless it involves her family or him. Him. Basically, she said she doesn’t care about anything unless it involves this guy. That made me mad.

Not only at her, but for her. Because her mentality is so focused on a guy that she doesn’t even realize the toxicity of it.

But I can’t be mad at her because I used to be her.

I mean Phoenix wasn’t the only thing that made me emotional over the past year, but whether I talked to him or not it determined my mood for the day sometimes.

And I couldn’t control it.

And another example, one of the many things Luna cares about it how fast her crush replies to her text. This week, he took 4 days to reply to a text of hers. That was pretty much one of the only things on her mind.

When she told me that (through text), I didn’t reply to her text.

Because of a text? Really? It’s only been 4 days. As long as you know he’s going to reply it’s all good. At least be thankful you know he’s going to reply.

She, again, pissed me off.

Why? Because she puts all of her efforts into pleasing this guy? Yes. But also I can see pieces of the girl I used to be in her. The pieces of a girl who was falling headfirst before thinking about herself; pieces of a girl before heartbreak, pieces of a girl who put a guy at the forefront of everything in her life.

And it scares me. Because I honestly can’t do anything for her. She knows what happened with Phoenix: all the heartbreak, overthinking, and tears. I even told her before that I don’t want her to feel the way I felt over Phoenix. But it won’t change her mentality. Because this guy is “all she has.” There’s no one falling for her. So she falls for the only person she can fall for in her life.

And I haven’t only seen this in Luna, but my other friends.

This week at lunch, one of my friends said that she wants a boyfriend. Because she wants someone to hold her, give her cute hugs and all that. Make her happy. My other friend, Hydra, agreed with her.

Why?

I don’t understand it. I mean, I do, I’ve lived through it. But why are we like this?

When my friend said she wanted hugs and happiness I thought, “Don’t we,  your friends, give that to you? Isn’t that enough?”

Isn’t it enough? Isn’t the love of friends and the love of yourself enough?

Why isn’t it enough? Why doesn’t it feel like it’s enough?

Why is it that as teenagers we always chase after someone? I know for a fact one of the reasons I wanted Phoenix so much was because I just wanted cute hugs and hand-holding. But can’t my friends give that to me?

Actually… my friends do give that to me. But the difference is, when they hug me I ACTUALLY feel safe and loved, something Phoenix has never made me feel. Because, as much as I can force myself to believe something that’s not true… at the end of the day, I can’t force him to care about me as much as I care about him.

And I’m learning to accept that.

I know. Most of my friends would yell at me for not trying harder with him because maybe if I tried a little harder he would be my boyfriend. I’m in a place with him that my friends would love to be in.

A crush who actually knows your name, your personality, and knows you for who you are.

But I don’t want more… anymore.

I don’t want to force something that isn’t there.

I’m not in a place where a boyfriend would be a good choice.

I’ve never been in a relationship. Personally, it scares me. And I don’t think jumping into one is the best choice. Especially if I am “right there.”

I want to love myself before being given the opportunity to love someone else. Because maybe if I told Phoenix sooner, we would be in a relationship and I would’ve eventually fallen in love with him. But it wouldn’t have been right, to him or me.

Because there are times when I still can’t look in a mirror and moments where I find it hard to love myself.

And that’s the problem.

Society has toxified our minds.

Making us think that the only way we can love ourselves and feel “complete” is if we had someone else, a significant other, to do it for us.

But how do you expect to love someone if you can’t even love yourself?

And what would you do with yourself if that person suddenly didn’t love you anymore? Would you suddenly not love yourself anymore? Because you weren’t enough?

What is it with us and thinking we aren’t enough?

We. Are. So. Enough. It’s. Actually. Inexplainable. How. Enough. We. Are.

Yes, having a significant other to hold and be happy with would be nice… but it shouldn’t be because we feel empty inside.

It should be because we feel whole and okay that we want to share that wholeness with someone else.

It shouldn’t be because we need to be saved.

Because that person’s purpose isn’t gonna be to save you. Only you can save yourself.

Our friends, family, ourselves… that’s enough.

Just because the person you really want to talk to isn’t talking to you doesn’t mean you should treat the actual people who love you like crap.

There are some incredible people that are here for you.

Don’t take them for granted just because that one boy or girl doesn’t like you.

We have our whole lives to live and to fall in love.

Do you really wanna think back and only remember the days that went by hoping some irrelevant crush texted you or not?

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“so… you don’t talk and you don’t eat?”

And he thought this was funny…

So today my cousin had a housewarming party for the extended family and there were maybe 30 people who came.

I didn’t know about it until this very morning… but it was nice.

This past week was the third anniversary of my great-aunt’s death and her death really affected me. I never really understood the feeling of someone you love who’s gone until she died. Because before this, I was too young to understand. She had three daughters and two of the daughters and their families live in another city. I haven’t seen them in THREE YEARS, the same amount of time my great-aunt has been gone. I guess there were some bad ties between the family since the death… I don’t know no one tells me anything. (Let’s go back to the fact that I didn’t even know of this housewarming party until this morning) The whole “beef” (yes, beef. Lol I don’t know any other word that outmatches that) thing I guess created the distance in our whole extended family. But I guess everything is forgiven now?

Their kids though. Like when I last saw those kids, they were all so small… smaller than me. Now, they’re all tall and stuff. They even intimidated me. But my one cousin who is one of the ones I haven’t seen was really nice. He hugged me as soon as he walked in. TIME REALLY DOES CHANGE YOU. Most of those kids were unrecognizable. I still can’t put a face to the youngest sister because SHE’S ALL GROWN UP. My cousins were there and they hugged me and made small talk.

And the food. Yes, the food deserves its own section. Because I was hungry and I didn’t eat any breakfast between going to church and going to the party. It was a great feeling once it was time to eat.

I haven’t been with this same family (my mom’s side) since like December. It was nice. I’m not gonna lie, there were deep moments of anxiety (because no, it really doesn’t stop when you’re with loved ones) but it was a balance.

But something that made me feel horrible?

There was this Indian elder who I didn’t know. I don’t think he was a family member, maybe just a family friend.

So when I was getting food, he was behind me in the line. I. Was. Getting. Food. And he says “Do you usually not talk a lot?” I was getting food, man. Who and why would  I be talking when I’m getting food? And it’s not like he was starting a conversation with me, he came out of nowhere saying that to me. I didn’t even realize he was next to me until he said something. I’m thinking about my food, okay? I haven’t eaten anything all day. Please, leave me alone.

I agreed, saying I don’t talk a lot. Because I don’t, I guess. Hi, social anxiety. He laughed at that? I didn’t find it funny.

Then I’m eating my food and everyone’s outside on the porch. I didn’t even realize I was sitting next to the same person… I was too mesmerized by the food. Then as this elder gets up to throw away his food he says, and I quote,

“So… you don’t talk and you don’t eat?”

Excuse me?

He was literally sitting next to me, could have been watching the food transport from mah fork to mah mouth. And he thinks it’s his place to say that? Did. You. Not. See. Me. Put. The. Food. In. My. Mouth? Since he was commenting on it, he should have seen it. AND when he sad that my plate was halfway empty/full (is the cup half full or empty? hmm) BUT I WAS STILL EATING. 

And trust me, I have been bothered with these fucking stereotypes and generalizations all my damn life.

I get it, I’m quiet. I know why now, right? And when I was younger, I was as skinny as a twig, but I don’t look that way anymore. I like my body now. Finally.

But as a kid, these two things were always brought up in conversation with my extended family. No, they didn’t wanna talk about school, life, my damn well-being. They wanted to know why I was so skinny.

There were times I didn’t even want to go out to these family parties because I didn’t want to be looked at like a label anymore. That’s how much it affected and wrecked me.

This is “regular” for Indians. I’m not sure about other families… but for Indians, they’re all up in your business and they don’t care if they hurt you or not. They say what’s on their mind without thinking twice about it. Without thinking that saying stuff like that actually hurts.

Like I don’t already look in the mirror trying to find beauty in my petite stature which never seems to change no matter how much I eat.

Or I don’t already silently die inside anytime my anxiety comes into play and social interaction makes me feel physically, emotionally, and mentally uncomfortable.

What did I do when he said that?

As soon as he said “So” I knew it was going to make me mad.

As soon as he said what he said I didn’t smile or laugh I just looked down and he laughed. I did not laugh at all. I didn’t find it funny. It wasn’t. I don’t get what he found funny the first time or second. Usually, I just have to brush it aside when it comes to stuff like this because why would I want to make a scene in front of everyone? I wouldn’t. But as soon as he said that I wanted to retaliate. I wanted to say “Did you not see me eat?” or “That’s really not funny.” Or I wanted someone to hear him and not think it’s okay. But I knew that if someone heard it they wouldn’t stand up for me, they would just agree with him.

Trust me, I don’t like talking about adults like this. But he crossed a line. A line I thought I was over.

It took me a long time to accept myself for who I am. To actually look in the mirror and love myself. Because I KNEW no one would completely stop making comments about my weight or “quietness.” Knowing that I had to accept myself and move on stronger.

So far, so good. It hasn’t been a problem for a few years. But there are moments when times like these are like old triggers and I go back to the little girl I was.

So confused as to why being quiet was seen as weird and why everyone was talking about my weight.

And I can never stand up for myself because if I did I would be seen as the “child” who doesn’t know any better. Plus, I would probably cry making my point.

It’s just not fair. Why do they always have to pick on me like I need a label?

Do I have to apologize for the person I am? No.

I eat. I am healthy. I love food, in fact, it’s on my list of loves.

I talk. With people I like/love and can vibe with. If I don’t then I’m in my thoughts, is that so bad? I don’t like talking in crowds.

What. Is. So. Wrong. With. That?

But the thing that bothers me the most is that this man didn’t know me for more than 10 seconds. Yet, he took out 2 of my worst labels that I’ve struggled with in those 10 seconds and brought me back to the pain of labels. Back to that scared little girl who thought in order for the labels to stop she had to fit their “image” of self-acceptance and not her own.

And I can never be “chill” about that.

How is it okay for someone, even an adult, to ask that? I have no idea.

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Don’t Let Opinions Make You Mad

You’re going to meet people in this life who are gonna piss you off. I’m sorry, I don’t know how to sugarcoat that, but it’s gonna happen.

And they’re going to make you mad because of their opinions.

It’s not that their opinions are wrong… but they’re wrong.

Well, in your opinion, their opinions are wrong.

And it’s not like their opinion is a nice opinion, it’s a rude opinion.

Like an opinion of something close to your heart.

And when someone attacks something close to your heart it gets personal, right?

Like if they attack your favorite band, your role models, your favorite book, your beliefs about the world, your religious beliefs, etc.

All you want to do is prove that person wrong.

You can try. Not everyone’s beliefs are set in stone. You can make someone believe in something they’ve never thought about believing in before. Or like something they’ve never thought of liking before.

But don’t be head strong about changing their beliefs.

And please don’t let their beliefs bother you to a point where it makes you mad thinking about it.

Not everyone’s going to believe what you believe. Or like what you like.

And it’s ok.

Do you know how many times a friend of mine has gotten annoyed whenever I mention Fifth Harmony and try to convince them that they make good music and they’re singing is magical?

Too many times to count.

But I have to accept that my friends/people have different interests and very different ears. They’re not always going to like the things I like.

But remember: You might even not like something that they love. It is definitely not a one-sided thing.

Everyone in the world has different interests than others. I mean there are people who are going to have the same interests as you- but not to a tee. There are going to be times when their beliefs are going to make you mad. But wouldn’t it be boring if everyone you met had the same exact interests as you?

And it would be a little creepy.

Variety is beautiful.

I mean it’s like talking to someone that’s exactly like you. At first, it’s nice and you can bond over things. But then there’s nothing to battle over, there are no disagreements over things. And to be honest not having a challenge is boring. Things would be too perfect if everyone had the same beliefs as everyone, there would be no variety. There would be no difference.

Ok, look at it this way. If people always saw your beliefs as something they believed in, and your interests as interesting then you wouldn’t be as passionate about things as you are right now. I mean if no one ever made you mad about not liking or believing something you wouldn’t have that fire in your heart to prove them wrong. You might not love the thing that you love as much as you do right now if it weren’t for their “Wrong opinions.”

Not everyone’s going to believe/like what you believe/like.

And that’s ok.

We’re individuals for a reason.

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