I hate the way that my anxiety makes me feel. It is a 100% true statement. 100%
I’ve been texting Phoenix (the guy I like) a lot lately. In fact, what we’ve been texting has been me trying to get a secret out of him. 2 days ago I told him about my anxiety and he said he likes to be real with the people that he talks to. I agreed to that saying that to be real with someone first you have to trust them.
So since I told him about my anxiety, which is something huge for me, he said he would tell me a deep secret of his. So he played this game with me. We are both such bad repliers (time wise). By this I mean we’re both those people who text like 2 hours later. But he’s worse than me. So he said if I replied fast to him a few times I get to reveal a deep secret of his.
He counted in his own personal percentages. I don’t even know how his rules were. If I replied in less than 10 minutes I got 75%. If I didn’t reply back in at least an hour he would reset it to 0%. Sadly I fell asleep and had to be an extra good replier today because I was for sure not going to lose.
Don’t worry I’m getting to the point of the story… stay with me.
So I did, in fact, get to 100% and got a secret from him. It was equal to my anxiety secret, it was a really emotional secret. And I wanted to be there for him like he was for me, but of course I had to be in my bad mental state when he told me his secret. This morning was a mentally bad morning for me. So bad that I had to run to a bathroom for a second to make sure nobody saw my tears. I didn’t cry for long maybe a minute or two before I composed myself.
And I didn’t know what to do. I just felt the need to vent to someone. I needed to talk to someone. And there he was, I was texting him… So why not tell Phoenix?
Of course, this is where all my overthinking comes in.
We were supposed to be talking about him and I just made the conversation about me. I just had to tell him that I was having a bad day. I had to make it about me.
Why does my anxiety do this to me??
He said he’s a good listener and that he will be there for me whenever I want to tell him something. But why am I getting this overwhelming feeling that I’m bothering him?!!?? I. HATE. This.
And then when he replied about 2 hours later he said something along the lines of the reason we text each other is to talk. Tell me so I can hopefully help you and if I can’t then I’ll pray for you. What’s wrong Rebecca. He wrote out my name.
I told him and I apologized so much saying I hate making this about me. I hate talking about myself too much.
I don’t want to burden him with fixing my problems. I don’t want him to make it feel like I’ll be like this whenever I have a bad day. I just don’t want to bother him.
Why does my anxiety do this to me?
He literally told me, in his own words, that he’s here to listen to me and that he wants to know what’s wrong. If all this proof is evident, why am I still so doubtful?
Why does it overwhelm me? Why whenever I think about the situation I have to stop my mind to stop thinking about it because it bothers me because I think it bothers him?
And it really doesn’t help my situation that he’s the worst replier (time wise) on the planet.
I hate the way that my anxiety makes me feel.