anxiety doesn’t stop with family.

Another event I didn’t know of.

This past Saturday there was another planned family event that no one told me about. It was my uncle’s engagement party. But he’s not that old he’s only 28 or near that age.

When my dad told me about the party I kind of didn’t want to go. I love my family but I’m always the odd one out and I never feel like I fit in because all of my cousins are older and I never know what to say to them. Anxiety doesn’t stop with family…

Actually, this is the environment I got my “shy” label from. This side of the family always saw me as quiet. But I was only like 7 when they gave me a label, they never even gave me a chance. Now, that label is over my head whenever they see me.

This is one of the reasons I didn’t wanna go. They never give me a chance. And I’m always gonna be a shy, little girl in their eyes.

As I said before, I love my family, but this was one of the worst nights of my life. I had SO much anxiety. I felt so uncomfortable and out of place. I felt like a stranger in my own family.

An actual stranger. One of my aunts had a baby that I didn’t even know about. And the uncle who was getting engaged? He has a brother and his brother is already married and has a kid. I didn’t even know this.

I thought the idea that no one told me anything was me being a lil dramatic but no. No one really tells me anything.

My anxiety was so off the charts, I don’t know how I didn’t break in the middle of the party. The only thing I ever did was sit at a table and conversate with some aunts and uncles who sat at the table but not much.

Maybe you’re wondering how I could just sit at a table while I was in a room of my extended family. I don’t know either. My anxiety is just… I don’t know. I honestly don’t understand how people can socialize. I had no idea what to say to anyone, what was I gonna talk about with people? I don’t know how to go up to someone and start a conversation. What would I even say to my middle-aged cousins? I don’t see my extended family that much, only at holidays… so I’m not really close to anyone. I didn’t know what to say.

It even feels weird typing it because honestly… What the hell is wrong with me? How can I not socialize with my own family?

I don’t know. How many times am I going to say that?

I just felt so out of the equation.

The uncle who was getting engaged? He came up from behind me and instead of a “Hi” or greeting or whatever he said, “Hey, instead of no-cializing, can you do me a favor? Can you take a picture?”

It was horrible. I knew I didn’t belong there. Even though my blood technically belonged there (because blood relatives) my body and my being were not meant to be there.

I remember I saw one of my cousins and she said “Hi” but the way she said it… she didn’t even say my family pet name or any name at all. She just said hi like I was a customer who walked into a store. And this cousin has known me since the moment I was born.

I always thought when I grew up with these great, at the moment, people around me they would be there to comfort me, to teach me things, to be a phone call away. When I was young, they paid attention. They cared more. But now that I’m a teenager? They don’t really care at all.

Or maybe that’s not true.

I think there might be some repressed memories I’m choosing to forget.

Because there’s one memory I remember that broke my heart back then and breaks it now.

It was Christmas and I was like prepubescent young maybe 8 or 9. Everyone gathered to take pictures: the young people of the family cousins, young uncles and aunts. And you know everyone was gathered to take the picture and everyone was standing and posing and then one uncle is like “Wait you guys forgot about Sisy!” (my pet name, short for sister. My bro gave it to me) It was the worst feeling in the world. I was literally forgotten and I was sitting right there. And then I got in the picture but it was like a pity picture.

And you know? They did that same exact thing the other day.

All the female cousins were gathered to take a picture. At first, I didn’t realize they were taking a picture then an aunt tapped me on the shoulder and enthusiastically said: “Sisy, go get in the picture!” But this aunt was the only one who noticed, none of the people posing for the picture could’ve cared less. And my aunt (the same one who told me to get in the picture) I think she felt a little bad for me because no one asked me to get in. But like I said before, no one posing cared less. So my aunt had to make the excuse that “Oh you’re not the cousin, right?” (in a nice, sympathetic way, I love this aunt) Because technically my mom was the cousin (she wasn’t in the picture either).

They did it to me in the past, they did it now. 

As soon as we left, I got in the car and cried silent tears because this is my life. I didn’t fit in when I was a kid, I didn’t fit in now.

I don’t understand. Sometimes I don’t understand why I’m still here. How I’m still here. I can never picture myself not having anxiety, in general, but also with this family. How am I going to act when I get married or something? Will my husband’s family even like me? How can I even be okay with the term “extended family” when I’m as anxious as I am?

I know I’m reaching wayyy into the future. I’m only seventeen. But this is what I think about. I can’t see myself changing.

I can’t see things changing for me.

Do you ever wonder if your family really loves you or if it’s just forced? I know my mom, dad, and (let’s be honest, sometimes) my brother loves me. But what about those who don’t know anything about me and vice versa? The ones who have drifted apart with time and hardships?

Does their love come from the heart? Or does it come from the blood?

Do they even like seeing me?

What is wrong with me? Why doesn’t anxiety stop with family?

The only difference from the past and the present is the knowledge of my anxiety. When I used to feel uncomfortable like this, I never knew what it was. But the worst part is, my family doesn’t know what it is.

They think I’m just like this because I’m a teenager with angst and unsociable means. When literally the idea of social interaction makes me feel physically, emotionally, and mentally uncomfortable.

Trust me, knowing that I have anxiety has made my life make more sense. But it has not made anything easier.

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hello, Senior (nope still can’t believe it): Day 2

If I thought yesterday was something, today is definitely way more than something.

If you read my post yesterday: hello, Senior (still can’t believe I’m saying that): Day 1 then you know that it was an odd day yesterday.

So today was an even day I had periods: 2, 4, 5, 6, and 8.

Period 2 was pre-calculus. Apparently, my school has these “portables” now. These portables are just classrooms outside the school because our school didn’t have enough rooms and there are A LOT of students. There are about 900 freshmen. It looks sort of like an RV or the outside of a motel (without the peeled off paint, it looks pretty nice). But it’s not as bad as I may describe it to be. It looks just like any other classroom. But of course, after going outside to the portable I have to go all the way to the other end of the school for my next period… someone’s playing games lol. This class, I didn’t feel good. One reason is that I had a stomach ache that morning that continued throughout that period but it wasn’t painful… something else gave me a more sick feeling.

Phoenix is in that class. I walked in like two minutes before him. He sat in the very front and I was in the third row. He literally sat two head spaces in front of me. It was horrible. He has a lot of friends in the class and I only have one friend and I didn’t even get to sit next to her because the seat next to her was taken. Having to look at the back of his head and feeling things was like the boss level of anxiety. I’ll probably write more about this subject in another post because I really need to individually vent on this one thing. The teacher didn’t seem very nice but he wasn’t mean either. I don’t know, he kinda unbalanced the stream of chill teachers I was having. But we’ll see how it goes. At the end of class, I talked to my friend and it was funny because she didn’t bring a jacket and I told her she didn’t make the right choice. Because that portable? F.r.e.e.z.i.n.g. And today it was raining too so…

Period 4 was guitar. I was excited because I knew my friend was in this class and we hadn’t seen each other since before the summer. She walked in and sat next to me and she smiled and looked really happy to see me. I hugged her. We had the same conversation just like old times when we were in chemistry class. It was nice to talk to her after feeling crappy. I’m also excited because I get to play guitar. The teacher is really funny and carefree. He evaluated all the students and he asked me if I was a sophomore and my friend laughed at that because we were talking about how I look like a freshman. And our teacher was very confused. This class was okay. But my friend has her own friends and she really tries to include me into her friend group but it really isn’t working out. I just feel like such an outsider and feel like I’m intruding. Plus, she and her friends have their own “guitar gang.” They played songs together and I was just on the outside. I mean I was right next to them… but idk. This is just my anxiety mixed with my overthinking.

Period 5 was forensics (again) because it’s every day. It basically went the same way as it did yesterday. But my teacher was having one-on-one conversations with students and she called me up today. Guys, she’s really nice. Like realllllly nice. She asked me personal questions like what I did over the summer, what I like to do, etc. And she never seemed tired or pissed off. She’s full of energy and she smiles a bunch.

Period 6 was lunch. I got rid of two (kind of) anxiety-filled tasks. I went to the math department and asked to rent a calculator. And then I went to my old English teacher’s room and asked him for a recommendation.

Period 8 was AP Biology. The teacher is very… mainstream? She curses here and there and she talks like a high-schooler. She seems pretty cool but she also intimidates me. I don’t really know anyone in this class. But we didn’t do any work (Thank goodness) We played the game “Cards Against Humanity” and finding a group of people wasn’t so bad. I asked this girl and she smiled and was really nice when I asked if I could join her group. Our group’s cards truly sucked. But the game was better than work.

Then yeah the day was over. I’m really not sure about senior year at this point. Not having friends in some classes doesn’t really bother me… but then other times it does. I just want to get rid of the negative mentality I have. My day wasn’t even that bad but my mind makes sure to think of all the lows. I don’t know what I want anymore. I just want to be happy. But how can I be? I’m so confused about different things. People always tend to, excuse my language, but people always tend to fuck me over. I’m tired. I just don’t know how to feel or what to feel anymore. How can my mind be able to twist something good into something horrible?

I want to be happy. I convince my mind that I’m going to be happy and I’m not going to not let my negativity overrule that. But how can I be positive when seemingly all the negative outweighs the positive?

I have to be in a class with a guy who I still like and still want to talk to, but know that I can’t because he doesn’t care the same way about me. I want to get a job but I’m not even sure where to apply or if I even have time through the school work. If I’ll even do good during an interview. There are college applications I have to start and once I fill those out I know life is just changing.

But the problem is: I don’t know if my life is changing for the better. 

If I keep having this negative mentality how will it ever be fixed? Can it be? Will I always look at life like this? I know happiness isn’t a time period, or a future, but it’s a choice. But how can I choose happiness when there’s a wire in my brain that always wants to give up?

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control.

To have something in control of your mind is exhausting and ironically…

hard to control.

You cannot control something/someone that controls you.

You submit.

And it’s the only thing you can do.

You submit so hard that you start believing and creating new feelings and emotions shaped to your controller’s beliefs.

Whether you’ve noticed or not you’ve started destroying and erasing pieces of yourself.

You’ve let your controller take over.

Have you ever watched a movie where a person is being mind-controlled and you’ve wondered well why can’t they just snap out of it with resilience?

But have you realized that the exact same thing is happening to you?

You’re being mind-controlled.

You’re being taken over.

You’re not being yourself.

Would you call that healthy?

Would you want that to keep going on?

Sometimes the thing or person controlling you isn’t always some guy in a cloak with out-of-this-world powers or a hypnotizing object. Sometimes what or who’s controlling you is unaware or not meant to control you, but you’ve let them control you.

It’s hard not to submit.

Submitting, nowadays, is easier than fighting.

But you should fight.

Because your mind deserves it. It deserves peace, calmness,

and it deserves not to be controlled.

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thoughts 10:24 pm

Do you know how hard it is?

To restrict yourself from talking to the one person who has always been there to make you smile and uncontrollably laugh but has also been the one who’s done you wrong?

I just want some answers.

I just need to know why.

I want to know what I did wrong.

I just want to talk to him again and see his face.

I just want to erase the drama.

There’s nothing more I want to do than let him know that I’m still there and I still care.

But what about him?

Where is he?

How does he feel?

Does he even care?

Am I just another conversation to him?

Is this easy for him?

Will he wonder what happened?

Does he even know something’s wrong?

What if he turned around when he exited that door and saw me,

What would he have done?

No.

What would I have done? 

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giving up

I don’t think that I can do this anymore.

Nothing makes sense to me anymore.

My emotions are like a fucking roller coaster, one minute I’m up and the next I’m down.

So what’s the point?

What’s the point in trying so hard for happiness, if it’s not in your favor?

I put so much of my strength in hope, and it only ruined me.

I keep hoping for this bright and amazing future. What if my future is just more crap? Ever since I’ve started hoping my life has only been crap.

I can’t keep pretending and fooling myself into thinking that I’m ok and I’m “good.” Because I’m not good.

I’m only lying to myself if I do say I’m good.

I tried going to one of my friends for help, but they have a life. I can’t bother people with lives about my sad life. It’s not their burden to carry.

Honestly, I’m not here because of hope or some great miracle. I’m here because I’m too weak to take my own life.

I keep telling myself, telling my body, to keep going because of stupid hope.

But I’m in too much pain and it hurts every day.

I would never want to be selfish and I know that there are people who care about me. But is it worth it?

What have people done to let me stay? Constantly letting me down, breaking promises, and hurting my feelings. You know the only friends that I talk to are on snapchat and I’m pretty sure all of them (except 1) are only talking to me because they want to keep that stupid streak number going.

Isn’t that comforting?

I barely have a life. Do you know that for the majority of spring break I was in this damn house hoping for a little freedom but never getting it? While I had to watch my other friends have a life.

There’s nothing I want more than to tell someone that I’m suffering, but what happens after they “fix” me? Wouldn’t they just leave again?

I have to stop fooling myself thinking that there’s going to be happiness at the end of this roller coaster. In my life, I have never been happy for more than 2 days. How do I fool myself that there’s happiness waiting for me in the future? I’m meant to be sad all my life, I’m meant to suffer through the pain. I’m not meant for this world.

I’m not strong enough to keep pretending that I’m ok. I’m not strong enough to stick around so I don’t hurt the people I love. I’m not strong enough to “roll with the punches.” I’m not strong enough to see what this life has waiting for me.

I’m not strong enough.

Not One of My Best Days

I’m not having a good day, sadly. My mind has been feeding me dark thoughts throughout this whole day, but those thoughts are nothing but the truth. Or at least I believe it’s nothing but the truth.

This isn’t intentionally because of people or any recent situation.

I was doing okay in the morning then things started to just… go downhill.

I thought about the winter season and I saw this Christmas tree in my mind and how the holidays used to be so happy. I didn’t even realize that the holidays went by so fast I didn’t even have the time to appreciate them. No that’s wrong. My holiday season was so crappy it wasn’t worth remembering. But that wasn’t the only crappy thing. My birthday was crappy. Last summer was crappy. My life is….?

It’s like I force myself to forget how my life actually is to forget the (I wish I could find a better word) crappiness.

My life is just being wasted and there’s nothing I can or am doing about it.

I’m missing all these opportunities because of who I am. My life is just meant to be or at least feel useless. And the only reason I’ve made it through those “crappy” instances was because I kept my hope for a happier future. But now that future just seems hopeless. Will it ever happen?

The only reason I’m still here is hope but what if the hope that I have just turns out to be useless.

Will my life always be like this?

Is there a certain reason as to why I’m here?

Will I be able to live a life worth remembering? Or will doors and opportunities keep shutting on me?

Will I ever be happy?

I just want to be happy but that can never happen.

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