the Truth.

If you’re asking me to admit the truth;

Yes, your smile literally glued some of the broken pieces of my heart together and brought sun to the dark places of my heart.

Yes, your laugh was like my favorite song on repeat and if i was the one to make you do that? i wish i could do that for a long time.

Yes, i would’ve rested my head on your shoulder for a lifetime if it meant i got to be this close to you in the safety of your presence.

Yes, i would’ve spent so much time with you because it meant i got to see your face and talk to you for countless hours.

Yes, i would’ve let you go on and on about soccer because i know it’s your one true love and the way you talk about your one true passion leaves me in awe.

Yes, your actions always had me overthinking and were on a constant loop in my head.

Yes, your smell was one that welcomed all my senses that if someone were to spray the cologne you wear all i would think about would be you and how close we were to each other.

Yes, your sense of humor made me feel special that i hoped you never talked about “vampires and werewolves” (amongst other things) to anyone else as goofily as you talked about them to me.

Yes, you noticing me has to be one of the best feelings on the planet and i just wish i knew what you thought once you would see me.

Yes, i would’ve talked to you for hours because talking to you was unlike talking to someone else. i never found myself getting tired of your stories.

Yes, the way you held me had my heart beating in a way it’s never beat before… it scared me how you made it feel. i wonder at such a close proximity if you could hear it too?

Yes, your touch affected me in a way it was if my heart stopped and what was always seen as impossible became possible for a second.

Yes, our hang outs made me believe in a content future where just being in the moment with you would feel like enough for me.

Yes, i wanted to stay on the phone with you for countless hours either lending your ear for a story or listening to you talk for hours about your day.

Yes, i would’ve looked at you for days on end waiting for you to look back and flash your perfect smile.

Yes, i would’ve kept a constant eye connection with you but the way you looked at me… it was too much and it scared me so i had to turn away after a while.

Yes, whenever i saw you face to face and talked to you in person at school i would always come home with butterflies in my stomach and a non-erasable smile on my face.

Yes, your words left marks on my heart and every sweet and funny thing you’ve said to me— i can always think about it and it never ceases to make me smile. Even if i was mad at you.

Yes, whenever you would say something only read about in books my heart swelled and i got a little bit of hope that you felt the same way.

Yes, i used to daydream about you and us being happy together like any other sappy high school couple.

Yes, the thought of “us” (if an us ever existed) scared me but if you ever felt the same way about me? …i wouldn’t know what to do.

But this is probably the way you make her feel too.

and i was nothing to you.

so i fade away. with these memories as chains.

banner-1176676_960_720

short poems 11:26 p.m.

poems written on 7.16.17:

Whole heart in. I get hurt. Heartless. I get hurt.

I get hurt. Heartless. I get hurt.

Heartless. I get hurt.

I get hurt.

 

Repeatrepeatrepeatrepeat

turn it off. let it go, they tell me

but this is my favorite song, I tell them

 

I want the universe to do us me a favor.

to bump into you one of these days

but maybe the universe is doing me a favor

keeping us apart.

 

I walked. I ran. I crawled. I stopped. I started again. I suffered. And you still haven’t let me into your heart.

8.06.17:

you didn’t bring the rain. you WERE the rain.

banner-1176676_960_720

poems. 2:04 AM

all written 07.11.17:

Whenever I was alone with you, it rains. Is it a coincidence that’s how you always make me feel sometimes?

When you didn’t talk to me and I didn’t talk to you the only thing that made the pain and sadness feel okay was the rain.

I put my feelings in. I start the cycle. But instead of cleaning, this cycle makes everything dirty: my heart and my soul.

breathe in. just thinking about your scent // or is that cologne?// that makes my mind lose control. throw up.

You had me. You had her. She had you. but I

never

had

you.

You think I didn’t say hi because I’m shy. But it doesn’t take a genius to realize that I never said hi because of her.

You touched me, Friend. You put my hair behind my ear, Friend. You spent the night with me, Friend. You want to know my secrets, Friend. You say “My,” Friend. But you are not my Friend.

You open your mouth and I call bullshit but then the tears are replaced with laughs and smiles and I start believing again.

Your fault. I feel bad. Your fault. I stop talking. Your fault. I confess. Your fault. You lost focus. Your fault. but why did i always think it was mine?

I prayed for you when I should’ve been praying for someone else.

Read. Opened. Almost as bad as “We need to talk.”

I thought you cared. You told me you did. So it’s not unrealistic to think that when I was gone you were thinking of me. But you weren’t. You weren’t thinking of me. You were forgetting about me.

I know what it would be like to let you go. I tried it but it didn’t work out. So what do I do now?

What do you want from me? Was I smart? For letting you go in the past? If so, why do you keep coming back?

Heart drops. Heart goes back up. Heart drops. Heart twists. Heart drops. Heart turns. Heart drops. Heart wants to give up.

I close my eyes and I can see his smile, hear his voice, picture him, smell him, remember him, drown in him. Caffeine, please keep me awake.

banner-1176676_960_720

weight.

Was I a weight?

On your shoulder?

On your soul?

Was I dispensable?

Was it nice when it ended?

Now you don’t have to put in any more effort.

Was I a burden?

You had to carry my insecurities and my secrets like a pack mule, now it doesn’t matter anymore.

Now that it’s done.

Was I easy?

Someone that could be easily fooled and played.

Target practice.

Was I nothing?

Just a useless pawn who, according to you, is devoid of any feelings.

Who apparently holds all the blame for everything.

Was I a back-up?

Just something that could be saved for later.

You have me in case it didn’t work out with someone else.

Was I naive?

Even through all my doubts, I believed all your lies.

I was falling faster than gravity would ever allow.

Was I the village idiot?

For believing that everything coming out of your mouth was the truth.

I played your games, unbeknownst to me that they were actually games.

Was I replaceable?

Once I’m gone nothing will change with you.

Because I was nothing to you in the first place.

 

Was I too broken?

Maybe you had to get out before you got too deep.

It was too much for you.

Was I wrong?

About everything?

For believing in a dumb reality and breaking down my walls.

Am I a weight?

no.

I am not a weight.

I am not dispensable.

I am not a burden.

I am not easy.

I am anything but nothing.

I am not back-up.

I am not naive.

I am not the village idiot.

I am not replaceable.

I am not too broken.

And I was not wrong. Nor will I ever be wrong.

I won’t let you do that to me anymore. I won’t let you lure me into thinking that this is all my fault. It’s not my fault.

I won’t let you control me anymore.

I am not a weight anymore.

You won’t be my weight anymore.

banner-1176676_960_720

Who Do I Call?

When your car breaks down you can call an auto repair man.

When you feel sick you can call the doctor.

When you’re having homework problems you can call your teacher over for help.

When you want a laugh you can call your best friend.

When you feel like you’re in a dangerous situation you can call the police.

When you’re hungry you can call and order a pizza.

When your library book is almost overdue you can call the library to ask them to renew it.

When school lets out early you can call your parents to come pick you up.

When your pet is sick you can call the vet.

When you want a new hair-do you can call your barber.

When you’re ready to order you can call over the waiter.

When checking if your medication is ready you can call the pharmacy.

When you’re not sure if a store is open you can call and make sure.

When you want to plan a special evening you can call a restaurant and make a reservation.

When your body feels out of place you can call for a massage.

When your teeth are aching you can call the dentist.

When you have a big event and want memories you can call a photographer.

When you’re sick at home you can call the school to tell them.

When your arm is broken you can call the hospital.

So,

Who do you call when you have a broken heart?

banner-1176676_960_720

one person

It’s funny how much power one person can have over you.

One person changed the perception of my day.

One person popped my bubble.

One person made me wonder.

One person made me go from tired to happy.

One person destroyed all my doubts.

One person made me feel safe

One person made me feel worthy.

One person made me laugh til my face hurts.

One person who can’t judge me.

One person who wants to get to know me.

One person who trusts me enough to tell me about them self.

One person who turned my day upside down.

And all it took was one person.

To make this “OK” day Good.

banner-1176676_960_720