anxiety doesn’t stop with family.

Another event I didn’t know of.

This past Saturday there was another planned family event that no one told me about. It was my uncle’s engagement party. But he’s not that old he’s only 28 or near that age.

When my dad told me about the party I kind of didn’t want to go. I love my family but I’m always the odd one out and I never feel like I fit in because all of my cousins are older and I never know what to say to them. Anxiety doesn’t stop with family…

Actually, this is the environment I got my “shy” label from. This side of the family always saw me as quiet. But I was only like 7 when they gave me a label, they never even gave me a chance. Now, that label is over my head whenever they see me.

This is one of the reasons I didn’t wanna go. They never give me a chance. And I’m always gonna be a shy, little girl in their eyes.

As I said before, I love my family, but this was one of the worst nights of my life. I had SO much anxiety. I felt so uncomfortable and out of place. I felt like a stranger in my own family.

An actual stranger. One of my aunts had a baby that I didn’t even know about. And the uncle who was getting engaged? He has a brother and his brother is already married and has a kid. I didn’t even know this.

I thought the idea that no one told me anything was me being a lil dramatic but no. No one really tells me anything.

My anxiety was so off the charts, I don’t know how I didn’t break in the middle of the party. The only thing I ever did was sit at a table and conversate with some aunts and uncles who sat at the table but not much.

Maybe you’re wondering how I could just sit at a table while I was in a room of my extended family. I don’t know either. My anxiety is just… I don’t know. I honestly don’t understand how people can socialize. I had no idea what to say to anyone, what was I gonna talk about with people? I don’t know how to go up to someone and start a conversation. What would I even say to my middle-aged cousins? I don’t see my extended family that much, only at holidays… so I’m not really close to anyone. I didn’t know what to say.

It even feels weird typing it because honestly… What the hell is wrong with me? How can I not socialize with my own family?

I don’t know. How many times am I going to say that?

I just felt so out of the equation.

The uncle who was getting engaged? He came up from behind me and instead of a “Hi” or greeting or whatever he said, “Hey, instead of no-cializing, can you do me a favor? Can you take a picture?”

It was horrible. I knew I didn’t belong there. Even though my blood technically belonged there (because blood relatives) my body and my being were not meant to be there.

I remember I saw one of my cousins and she said “Hi” but the way she said it… she didn’t even say my family pet name or any name at all. She just said hi like I was a customer who walked into a store. And this cousin has known me since the moment I was born.

I always thought when I grew up with these great, at the moment, people around me they would be there to comfort me, to teach me things, to be a phone call away. When I was young, they paid attention. They cared more. But now that I’m a teenager? They don’t really care at all.

Or maybe that’s not true.

I think there might be some repressed memories I’m choosing to forget.

Because there’s one memory I remember that broke my heart back then and breaks it now.

It was Christmas and I was like prepubescent young maybe 8 or 9. Everyone gathered to take pictures: the young people of the family cousins, young uncles and aunts. And you know everyone was gathered to take the picture and everyone was standing and posing and then one uncle is like “Wait you guys forgot about Sisy!” (my pet name, short for sister. My bro gave it to me) It was the worst feeling in the world. I was literally forgotten and I was sitting right there. And then I got in the picture but it was like a pity picture.

And you know? They did that same exact thing the other day.

All the female cousins were gathered to take a picture. At first, I didn’t realize they were taking a picture then an aunt tapped me on the shoulder and enthusiastically said: “Sisy, go get in the picture!” But this aunt was the only one who noticed, none of the people posing for the picture could’ve cared less. And my aunt (the same one who told me to get in the picture) I think she felt a little bad for me because no one asked me to get in. But like I said before, no one posing cared less. So my aunt had to make the excuse that “Oh you’re not the cousin, right?” (in a nice, sympathetic way, I love this aunt) Because technically my mom was the cousin (she wasn’t in the picture either).

They did it to me in the past, they did it now. 

As soon as we left, I got in the car and cried silent tears because this is my life. I didn’t fit in when I was a kid, I didn’t fit in now.

I don’t understand. Sometimes I don’t understand why I’m still here. How I’m still here. I can never picture myself not having anxiety, in general, but also with this family. How am I going to act when I get married or something? Will my husband’s family even like me? How can I even be okay with the term “extended family” when I’m as anxious as I am?

I know I’m reaching wayyy into the future. I’m only seventeen. But this is what I think about. I can’t see myself changing.

I can’t see things changing for me.

Do you ever wonder if your family really loves you or if it’s just forced? I know my mom, dad, and (let’s be honest, sometimes) my brother loves me. But what about those who don’t know anything about me and vice versa? The ones who have drifted apart with time and hardships?

Does their love come from the heart? Or does it come from the blood?

Do they even like seeing me?

What is wrong with me? Why doesn’t anxiety stop with family?

The only difference from the past and the present is the knowledge of my anxiety. When I used to feel uncomfortable like this, I never knew what it was. But the worst part is, my family doesn’t know what it is.

They think I’m just like this because I’m a teenager with angst and unsociable means. When literally the idea of social interaction makes me feel physically, emotionally, and mentally uncomfortable.

Trust me, knowing that I have anxiety has made my life make more sense. But it has not made anything easier.

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boy rant: i am not a convinience.

What can I say?

How do I say it?

Life happened.

The universe wants to kick me around.

The book doesn’t want this chapter to end.

I don’t know.

All I know is that seeing him after a month of not talking to him affected me.

And a lot has happened in 2 and a half weeks.

Do you want me to catch you up?

Ok hold on because this is a damn rollercoaster ride… but I assure you, it will be over soon.

Yes, this is about Phoenix. Honestly, what isn’t nowadays?

Let’s begin.

It’s the second day of school. I didn’t see him at all on the first day. Honestly? I felt sad about that because I wanted to see him. I wanted him to see me. There was even a part of me that wanted him in one of my classes… and guess what? That actually happened.

But sometimes the things you want aren’t actually what you need.

He was in my precalculus class. This is second period. But it was the first period of the second day because our school alternates periods. When he walked in… it was like everything inside of me froze. I didn’t really realize what was happening until it was happening that yes… he was actually sitting there. And guess where he sat? Two head spaces in front of me. I didn’t want him to know I was there but then again I did. I don’t know… he turned around once to look at everyone and it’s weird because if he saw me he would’ve said something, the class was kinda small. I don’t really know what happened but I’m glad he didn’t say anything that day.

One of my friends was in that class but I didn’t sit next to her because the seat next to her was taken. But at the end of class, she saw me and we had a conversation which saved me from any confrontation from him. Thank goodness. But of course, my overthinking was all over the place because I would have a class with him for the rest of the semester.

Then the next time we had precalculus, I sat next to my friend. And another one of my friends was there and she was sitting in front. So it was nice to have the two of them there. He came in late and he hardly ever turned around. But apparently our school had a fire drill, but our classroom was in this portable away from the school because there are too many students in our school. We never heard the fire drill sound. The sound was supposed to come over the intercom that was connected to the portable but it never sounded. So our teacher had our own “class” fire drill. He called everyone’s names and when the teacher called my name… Phoenix turned around to look at me. But I just avoided his look and talked to my friend. But it didn’t last forever. In order to get out the portable, to walk to the field for the “fire drill” I had to walk past him because his seat was in the direction of the door. And I don’t know why, but he didn’t leave. All the people in his row left, but he just kept standing behind his desk. So it would’ve been very awkward to just pass by him. So when I walked to the door I turned and looked at him and he was smiling at me. I see that he was ready to say something to me, he would’ve probably said something about me not saying anything to him because it looked like he was ready to joke around with me. But I wasn’t having it. I just “smiled” back at him and left to the field. Then at the end of class, he said, “See you next class” with a smile. I don’t know why I was expecting him to say more or anything. Maybe we could walk back to school together? No.

I expected too much when I was head over heels for him, I expected too much now. 

But it pissed me off. We hadn’t talked for a month. A month. And he doesn’t know that anything is wrong? Did he even notice I’ve been gone and haven’t been talking to him? Did he even care? No. Because every day of that month I waited. I waited for some indication that he cared and there was none. None. Nothing. So what now? Is he just supposed to care now? Now that I’m in his class and we see each other? How can someone be so oblivious? But of course, I knew he wouldn’t think twice about my reactions: I never even said a word to him… I just smiled. He would just think I’m being “shy.”

The weekend goes by and our next class together is Tuesday. Unbeknownst to him but knownst (? Lol) to me. Because I got a schedule change.

Trust me, his presence was affecting me but I didn’t switch my schedule because of him… but it’s a damn good factor. I took a single period of AP Biology instead of a double period and it turned out to be a big NO. Single period AP Bio is mostly individual work. The teacher never even started class until 10 minutes in. You do most of the teaching to yourself. So I was like “Nope I’m out” because I always procrastinate. I literally studied the first chapter all in one night. So I had to go to my counselor to get a schedule change. The only available periods were 1 and 2, or 3 and 4. I already didn’t like my 1st period, chorus, because I have no friends and the friend I do have had sooo many friends. Plus I can’t even hear myself singing in chorus and I don’t think singing in a group is for me. I didn’t care about my 3rd period either way. But my 4th period… one of my real friends was in that class and I didn’t wanna lose her. So it was either losing her or losing him. I didn’t think twice about it. Okay, I did because of my overthinking… but it wasn’t a hard decision. Also, the friend in my 4th period… let’s call her Lyra, was also in that period 1 and 2 class. And my best friend told me that Phoenix was n her double AP Bio class for periods 3 and 4 so again it was between Lyra or Phoenix.

I ended up switching to 1 and 2 AP Bio meaning I wouldn’t see him anymore because the class period we had together was during 2nd period.

I questioned life at this point. Like really? What even was the point of that? Was he just in my class for it to be taken away? OR did that whole thing happen for me to want to see him and then WANT to have that opportunity be taken away? I don’t know. Either way, it was going to be my last class with him.

To be honest? I was prepared. I wanted to not see him anymore. Because I knew that I would be nice to him and forgive him along the way and I knew I wasn’t okay with that.

It was a Tuesday. He came in late again. Nothing really happened. But at the end of class, he again took a long time to pack up and leave and remember how the door was near him? Yeah. So I had to pass by him. I even parted my hair to the side to avoid his eye contact… lol I know, it was a dumb move. He said “Hi Rebecca” and this literally broke my heart. Not because of what you think. He smiled. The smile I fell for. And I smiled back. But that’s what broke me. My smile. My own smile broke me. Because I knew deep down it hurt to smile back at him. I knew it wasn’t a real smile. I could see he was going to say more but I had to leave. So I just turned, smiled, and left. It broke my heart, yes, but switching my schedule comforted me. Because all he was going to give me was a “hello.” And I needed more than a hello. The schedule change is what I needed.

But I guess he sensed something was wrong or something? Since I just smiled and left. Because later that night, he texted me.

I made a kik for one of my friends in order for her to talk to me. And I guess he still has my phone number even though I deleted his. Because kik can sync your contacts and the day I made one I see that someone added me. And I didn’t know how kik worked and I was curious who it was so I accepted the chat later realizing that it was him. But he didn’t talk to me the day I made it. So that Tuesday, I changed my profile picture and he sends me “You looking at the height requirement for the rollercoaster ride?” He always makes jokes about my height. I don’t want to sound egotistical or anything but I looked GOOD in this picture lol. I didn’t want to say anything to him but the sass in me wouldn’t let that go. So I said, talking about his profile picture, “You stuck in a maze trying to find good jokes?” Because the picture he had showed the back side of his body (that’s why I didn’t really recognize him when he added me) walking who knows where and it looked like a maze.

Afterwards, I decided my responses would be distant. I just couldn’t let him make fun of my height without coming for his life. Then he says a string of short jokes and I just say “Ok.” This is where things turn frustrating. He then asks me “Are you upset?” But he was only talking about the short jokes not like he cares about my real life. I tell him “Because of your short jokes? Lol no.” And he says “Good. You’ve grown!” And I tell him “Your jokes have to be good for them to hurt.”

And then all of a sudden he switches up the conversation? He then asks me “How’s school?” Where is he going with this? Since when does he care? He doesn’t. I just say stressful. He asks me what’s stressful about it and I just say “It’s school, everything’s stressful.” This is the day we had the same class together. Because neither of us responds in 10 minutes or less. I would, but he doesn’t deserve that. So our conversation spread out over a few days.

Honestly, I didn’t think he would notice I wasn’t in class because he doesn’t turn around. But he asked me, “Did you miss school or did you skip?” I tell him, “No I had a schedule change.”I think the teacher called out my name in class because my friend from the class told me that the teacher “missed me” and was like “Where’s Rebecca?” lol. Phoenix asks me “Was my presence that unwelcoming?” And I said “Yep, very”

The other day I saw him in the hallway and this was during the texting. I try to avoid him but this was after the late bell rang so the hallways weren’t crowded. He says hi and I just look at him and smile. It’s so awkward. Because here I am texting him but I’m not able to say anything to him in person. I don’t even like virtual him. But he won’t think twice about it because he loses focus.

I started to do that thing again. Back when I was used to him texting him daily and I would check my phone just to see if he texted me back yet. I DON’T EVEN WANT TO DO THAT. Because our conversation is literally nothing. But this time, whenever I turn on my phone to look at the time or anything my mind is always like, “Did he text back? Did he text back?” I just needed him to go away. But I know deep down, I didn’t want that.

Not having a class with him anymore was supposed to be the end. Why. Is. This. Damn. Chapter. Still. Going. On? 

I really hated giving him one-word replies. I thought that I would be able to handle it or control it but… nope. I lost my resolve. But that’s later in the story.

At this point, I don’t know if he still has a girlfriend. Or if he ever even got one in the summer. But it doesn’t matter if he does or doesn’t… he still broke my heart. The “girlfriend” was just the breaking point.

So our conversation on kik wasn’t anything. You know how I said I was starting to get used to him texting me back? Well the last thing I sent him was “Yep” and he hadn’t responded to it yet. Because believe it or not, he was replying faster than me. But a day passed and he still didn’t reply.

Then I see that he posted something on his snapchat story and he said, “Almost got pulled over today.” I really wanted to tell him “I told you so.” Because he drives without a permit sometimes and I told him not to. I didn’t really see responding to his story as a “bid deal.” But looking back, I shouldn’t have. But it hurt. It hurt again when he didn’t respond to my kik yet even though, what was he going to say to a simple yep?

I got caught in again.

I responded to his story saying, “Almost should be deleted.” Apparently, his story was apart of this game like “You shouldn’t have responded to my story now you’re in the game and you have to put one of these on your story…” It gave a list of options from 1 to 10. For example, 1 was “I got pulled over.” 2 was “I broke up with him/her.” Etc. I didn’t do it because it’s really dumb. I told him I like 6 (“I’m gonna fight him tomorrow”) and 8 (“I’m so done with him”). He says, “Did I ask you what your favorite number was or something?” That really pissed me off. Because really? I don’t care if you don’t wanna hear it, I’m gonna say what I want. So I say, “Do I care whether you asked or not? I’ll say what I want.”

We have like three conversations at once but they were short. I didn’t want to say too much. After a text back he says, “I’m in the middle of your two favorite numbers.” In between 6 and 8 is 7, right? We got our math straight, right? Lol. So I looked up and saw what 7 was and it said, “We’re finally dating.” Of course, I didn’t think anything of this but my heart did. But my heart knew deep down that he meant nothing out of that. He just said it to say it and that pissed me off knowing that he can just play with my feelings not even caring that it actually has an effect. To that, I say, “Your ego is too big. You would be dating yourself.” He said, “I am dating myself. I didn’t find anyone compatible.” That. Hurt. 

He didn’t find anyone compatible? What about for the past few months and what we had? I literally listened to him and was there for him when I let him rant for one hour about a fake friend. I opened up to him and he did the same and so many other things and he says he couldn’t find anyone compatible? But I put down the hurt in the moment.

I didn’t tell any of my friends about him texting me again because honestly? Our conversation wasn’t really anything. Only one of my friends knew. Then I told Lyra who’s also friends with him. The same day I told her, she put me on her snapchat story and she told me he responded to the story about me. The next day on a Tuesday, she showed me the conversation. He asked her, “You two have the same class together?” He didn’t know I had a class with her when I switched. They had a short conversation then she brought the conversation back to me for some reason. She asked, “You still talk to her (me)?” Even though she already knew the answer. He says “Talk like what exactly?” She was like “Talk like friends? Unless you mean something else. Is there something else?” She sent him like four questions/messages about it but he only responded to one of the messages.

Up until this point, I was so mad at him that literally anything involving him made me mad and reminded of how he treated me during the summer. How he didn’t give two shits about me. And never showed me that he cared that I was gone or even noticed.

But this momemt changes that all: He sends Lyra “Nah she got somebody.” Meaning he thought I had somebody. But I have nobody. That was funny to me because helloooo it’s me. But I. Don’t. Know. Why. This gave my heart hope. Maybe because he didn’t say “Nah I don’t see her in that way” but he didn’t say that he did either. He just thought I had someone.

But that day my heart was so hopeful and for a second I went back to Junior Rebecca finding hope in signs again. Does he like me? Lyra assured him that I had no one and he said, “Lmao what are you the love doctor or something?” And is it weird that after he got those messages from Lyra he responded to my messages that I thought he would leave on read?

My heart was all over the place and I don’t know why. All he talks about are short jokes. All the damn time. I don’t mind short jokes but for that to be all that’s left? Then he said “Your height hurts me.” I asked him why. He says, “Your words never match up to your height” because I’m sassy all the time I guess. So I say “Idk maybe if you stop coming for my height I would be nice to you.” He asks, “So if I’m nice you’ll be nice?” I say, “Idk. We’ll see.”

And then he reverted back to the good morning’s and the how’d you sleep? He sent this at 6 am so he just woke up or something. THIS is the “him” I fell for. The him I wanted back. The one I’ve been waiting for. But… it doesn’t seem real. I don’t know why. It is real, but it isn’t. I told one of my friends this, it’s like a daydream when you know everything’s not real but you don’t care either way. But really, what’s happening? The past is legit repeating itself. How can he just do that? Like nothing happened in the past month…? Well according to him nothing did happen.

But his tone is just different. He doesn’t sound like he used to when he said good morning. I asked him “Are you being fake?” and he said “No I wasn’t” But it just seems like it is. It’s like life is giving me the guy I want back but again he’s not.

One of my friends told me I can either do two things: Slowly stop talking to him gradually or tell him the truth. I can’t act like nothing’s happened and revert back to how things were last year. I don’t want the cycle to repeat itself because I KNOW he’s just going to do something that hurts me in the future. The future? Please, he’s hurting me now.

But I keep having this feeling where I can feel like the truth is gonna come out, sooner or later. I think I’m going to tell him the truth. Whether he cares or not. Because if I continue this conversation like nothing has happened I’m lying to myself telling her that I can handle it if we’re just friends. When I know that’s such a lie.

After our second hang out, I remember complaining to my friends about it telling them I’m so deep in the friendzone. Lyra was like, “Do you want to tell him?” But I know I didn’t want to tell him. Because I didn’t want to ruin such a good friendship and freak him out. But now? It’s like I already lost him. Freaking him out, I don’t even care if I do anymore. Because whoever that good friend was is gone.

Seeing him in person has definitely affected me. He’s still aesthetically pleasing to my eyes and whenever he smiles… it’s not the same feeling I used to drown in but it’s still something I get in my heart. But if I saw him for a long time, like when we were in the same class, all I could think towards him was “I hate you.” But if I see him in the hallway I would break. But I haven’t seen him at all in the past week so that’s good, right?

Him saying stuff like “I’m between your two favorite numbers” and “She got somebody” pulled me back in. That’s the kind of stuff that gave me hope in the impossible in the past and I can’t keep waiting around. I won’t. I’m not going to wait around hoping that one day he’s going to say he likes me. That’s not fair to myself.

I know if I let him in again (which I haven’t done yet) I’m gonna LET HIM IN and I can’t do that because he is 100% gonna hurt me.

I sort of made Lyra meddle into the whole situation. I thought her meddling would fix the problem and prove whether he likes me or not. But that isn’t fair to her to figure this bs out.

Even if she does meddle how do I know that, if he does like me, he only does because Lyra told him I have no one?

I don’t want him to like me because it’s convenient for him.

If he likes me he should tell me. Not say some stuff that sounds like he could possibly like me.

Lyra told me, “I think overall he’s just being playfully flirtatious. Which is what a lot of guys seem to do these days. And I don’t know why it took me so long to see it.” We both didn’t see it because we both thought he was being genuine. He just plays around flirtatiously with his friends. And that’s all that is to it.

I’m contemplating whether I should tell him the truth or not. And by this, I mean the whole truth. But being like he is, he opened my messages and left them on read and it’s been 24 hours. I don’t want to say he left me on read because sometimes I think he does that but he responds later. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want him to respond. Because once he does respond, things are going to change. Plus, if he doesn’t respond this just proves the person that he is. Always leaving me on read wondering what I did wrong like I even did something wrong. I didn’t. I never did. I was such a good friend to him. I tamped down my feelings because I cared about him. I cared about him. So much. I wished him happy birthday when he disregarded my messages. I let him go on and on about soccer and even said I would go to one of his games when I don’t even like sports. I would’ve done so much for him. I did do so much.

But he never did enough. And I deserve better.

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“so… you don’t talk and you don’t eat?”

And he thought this was funny…

So today my cousin had a housewarming party for the extended family and there were maybe 30 people who came.

I didn’t know about it until this very morning… but it was nice.

This past week was the third anniversary of my great-aunt’s death and her death really affected me. I never really understood the feeling of someone you love who’s gone until she died. Because before this, I was too young to understand. She had three daughters and two of the daughters and their families live in another city. I haven’t seen them in THREE YEARS, the same amount of time my great-aunt has been gone. I guess there were some bad ties between the family since the death… I don’t know no one tells me anything. (Let’s go back to the fact that I didn’t even know of this housewarming party until this morning) The whole “beef” (yes, beef. Lol I don’t know any other word that outmatches that) thing I guess created the distance in our whole extended family. But I guess everything is forgiven now?

Their kids though. Like when I last saw those kids, they were all so small… smaller than me. Now, they’re all tall and stuff. They even intimidated me. But my one cousin who is one of the ones I haven’t seen was really nice. He hugged me as soon as he walked in. TIME REALLY DOES CHANGE YOU. Most of those kids were unrecognizable. I still can’t put a face to the youngest sister because SHE’S ALL GROWN UP. My cousins were there and they hugged me and made small talk.

And the food. Yes, the food deserves its own section. Because I was hungry and I didn’t eat any breakfast between going to church and going to the party. It was a great feeling once it was time to eat.

I haven’t been with this same family (my mom’s side) since like December. It was nice. I’m not gonna lie, there were deep moments of anxiety (because no, it really doesn’t stop when you’re with loved ones) but it was a balance.

But something that made me feel horrible?

There was this Indian elder who I didn’t know. I don’t think he was a family member, maybe just a family friend.

So when I was getting food, he was behind me in the line. I. Was. Getting. Food. And he says “Do you usually not talk a lot?” I was getting food, man. Who and why would  I be talking when I’m getting food? And it’s not like he was starting a conversation with me, he came out of nowhere saying that to me. I didn’t even realize he was next to me until he said something. I’m thinking about my food, okay? I haven’t eaten anything all day. Please, leave me alone.

I agreed, saying I don’t talk a lot. Because I don’t, I guess. Hi, social anxiety. He laughed at that? I didn’t find it funny.

Then I’m eating my food and everyone’s outside on the porch. I didn’t even realize I was sitting next to the same person… I was too mesmerized by the food. Then as this elder gets up to throw away his food he says, and I quote,

“So… you don’t talk and you don’t eat?”

Excuse me?

He was literally sitting next to me, could have been watching the food transport from mah fork to mah mouth. And he thinks it’s his place to say that? Did. You. Not. See. Me. Put. The. Food. In. My. Mouth? Since he was commenting on it, he should have seen it. AND when he sad that my plate was halfway empty/full (is the cup half full or empty? hmm) BUT I WAS STILL EATING. 

And trust me, I have been bothered with these fucking stereotypes and generalizations all my damn life.

I get it, I’m quiet. I know why now, right? And when I was younger, I was as skinny as a twig, but I don’t look that way anymore. I like my body now. Finally.

But as a kid, these two things were always brought up in conversation with my extended family. No, they didn’t wanna talk about school, life, my damn well-being. They wanted to know why I was so skinny.

There were times I didn’t even want to go out to these family parties because I didn’t want to be looked at like a label anymore. That’s how much it affected and wrecked me.

This is “regular” for Indians. I’m not sure about other families… but for Indians, they’re all up in your business and they don’t care if they hurt you or not. They say what’s on their mind without thinking twice about it. Without thinking that saying stuff like that actually hurts.

Like I don’t already look in the mirror trying to find beauty in my petite stature which never seems to change no matter how much I eat.

Or I don’t already silently die inside anytime my anxiety comes into play and social interaction makes me feel physically, emotionally, and mentally uncomfortable.

What did I do when he said that?

As soon as he said “So” I knew it was going to make me mad.

As soon as he said what he said I didn’t smile or laugh I just looked down and he laughed. I did not laugh at all. I didn’t find it funny. It wasn’t. I don’t get what he found funny the first time or second. Usually, I just have to brush it aside when it comes to stuff like this because why would I want to make a scene in front of everyone? I wouldn’t. But as soon as he said that I wanted to retaliate. I wanted to say “Did you not see me eat?” or “That’s really not funny.” Or I wanted someone to hear him and not think it’s okay. But I knew that if someone heard it they wouldn’t stand up for me, they would just agree with him.

Trust me, I don’t like talking about adults like this. But he crossed a line. A line I thought I was over.

It took me a long time to accept myself for who I am. To actually look in the mirror and love myself. Because I KNEW no one would completely stop making comments about my weight or “quietness.” Knowing that I had to accept myself and move on stronger.

So far, so good. It hasn’t been a problem for a few years. But there are moments when times like these are like old triggers and I go back to the little girl I was.

So confused as to why being quiet was seen as weird and why everyone was talking about my weight.

And I can never stand up for myself because if I did I would be seen as the “child” who doesn’t know any better. Plus, I would probably cry making my point.

It’s just not fair. Why do they always have to pick on me like I need a label?

Do I have to apologize for the person I am? No.

I eat. I am healthy. I love food, in fact, it’s on my list of loves.

I talk. With people I like/love and can vibe with. If I don’t then I’m in my thoughts, is that so bad? I don’t like talking in crowds.

What. Is. So. Wrong. With. That?

But the thing that bothers me the most is that this man didn’t know me for more than 10 seconds. Yet, he took out 2 of my worst labels that I’ve struggled with in those 10 seconds and brought me back to the pain of labels. Back to that scared little girl who thought in order for the labels to stop she had to fit their “image” of self-acceptance and not her own.

And I can never be “chill” about that.

How is it okay for someone, even an adult, to ask that? I have no idea.

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to start over.

“no person wants to start over with a new person. telling secrets, giving their body away. falling all over again. its too much..”

via @changes on twitter

This twitter post literally came the very day I needed it. Coincidence? I really don’t know.

But do you know what it’s like?

Let’s go back. If you’re interested in a little history step inside the rollercoaster ride.

Eighth grade. I like this guy in my class. And this is the first time I’ve liked someone for their personality, and not just solely on looks. He was funny, we had banter, and he said cute things sometimes, I guess. He did things my little middle school heart never experienced before… like he hugged me. Yep. Hugged me. Many other things happened and I had a little hope that he liked me. But he didn’t.

And so when it was time for us to go our separate ways into high school, I found myself missing him. Long story, short (because this story was on my blog before “Over”) I tried to get over him and it took two years. He was completely toxic for my heart. I always thought he was genuine and missed me too, but no.

One of my best friends told me that I would meet someone better, someone who deserved my heart… then “Phoenix” showed up. And I thought maybe this is my second chance.

Remember Phoenix? The guy I thought was perfect for my heart? The guy I thought would never hurt me? I thought he would be someone worth falling for.

So I fell.

It’s been months. Maybe even close to a year?

And honestly, when I fell I didn’t expect to be this close to him. To have his number, to have his snapchat, to have hung out with him. None of that was expected when I started to fall. But it happened. And it made the falling even worse.

But the falling was okay. Because Phoenix seemed sooooo much better than my eighth-grade crush, let’s call him “Over.”

So I started over with Phoenix. I fell. Again. But it was okay because he was genuine and sweet and honest and real. Right?

Phoenix did things that no guy has ever done. He asked me if I had depression, he sensed that himself, and then he figured out that I had anxiety and he asked me about it. And he told me that he would be there to talk if I ever needed it. He suspected something was wrong and something happened in my life just because of a “weird-sounding” text. And we texted each other in paragraphs and he never seemed to mind.

But then, things changed.

And he just turned out to be like the 7.0 version of Over. But it was deeper this time. It was much deeper.

I told Phoenix things I haven’t even told my best friend. I told him my fears, my secrets, I gave him a piece of myself. I got to know him, or at least who he wanted to seem like in front of me. I built a relationship with him. And for what?

For it to just go to waste?

We’re not on good terms right now. This isn’t like some petty fight… this might be the end of the Phoenix chapter. And honestly? I thought it would last way longer. But he turned out to be just as dishonest as Over.

Both of them were just full of talk and their actions came from their ego instead of their heart.

So here I am. After falling deeper for the second time.

I thought I would be in a better place. I thought it would be worth it. I thought it would at least feel better than this.

But falling for the second time is, even more, worse than the first time.

Ater the first time, I was cautious. I didn’t want to let my heart out of its chains again. But when a guy does the sweet things that Phoenix did you get vulnerable and you trust. And you fall before you can stop yourself.

I never really believed my best friend when she said I would find a guy who would treat me so much better. It didn’t really feel like that would actually happen because it’s me and my life. But then he came in and gave me a little hope that genuine guys existed and there might be a chance I could get over “Over.”

He gave me hope after my first fall.

But the second fall, like I said, didn’t turn out great. Not at the beginning, not in the middle, not in the end.

Even though there were great things that happened during this fall… something was there to always make me feel like crap: another girl, he hurt me unintentionally or intentionally, my anxiety, etc.

And you know? I tried so hard to push the crappy parts down because I thought I would never meet another guy like him. A guy who would care so much about me and about my past and my future. A guy who wanted to see the stars with me, wanted to see a play together, wanted to go far away someday to escape it all, didn’t believe in promises like me, and hated fake people just as much as me. He seemed… right? He told me instead of a party he would want to see a sunset and I’m like wow, the perfect person for a girl with anxiety.

It all just seemed so perfect. I guess that’s what was wrong. The perception of it was deceitful.

But the way I got to know him was different than the way I got to know anyone else. We opened up to each other. We took small steps. We shared.

How do you let something like that go?

And how can you possibly think of moving on and thinking you deserve someone better when that was it… when that was the better? Or at least it felt like it.

Did I waste all those months, all that time, falling for him? Is it all just a waste now? Now that I know I meant nothing to him. And it was all nothing.

I don’t even know if I can get up after this second fall. I don’t think I can picture myself giving so much of myself to another person… hoping that they’re the right one for my heart.

I can’t do it again. I can’t.

It was hard enough this time.

Now, a piece of me is with him and he’s just breaking that piece apart.

How can I open up myself to another person? Open up my heart? The thought of falling for a third time and getting heartbroken for a third time? I don’t want to think of that. It really exhausts me thinking like that. I don’t even know if I’ll even be able to…

How do people like this get so consumed with playing the game that they don’t even realize they’re playing with feelings and emotions? Doesn’t that ever cross their minds?

How can I start over?

After going through so much, after listening to my heart, how can I possibly start over?

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to be wrong.

We all know what it’s like to be wrong, right?

Whether it’s when you raise your hand to answer a question in school or it’s a mini-argument about opinions or facts with your friends.

It’s okay to be wrong. But it’s embarrassing. Our pride gets bruised and how the other person responds to the incorrectness is crucial to how we’re going to feel about being wrong.

Either way, being wrong sucks. But it’s okay to be wrong— because that’s how we learn.

But what if you were wrong about how a person felt towards you?

Do you know what that’s like?

If you don’t, you’re lucky. If you do, wow. It truly, honestly feels like crap.

It’s extremely hard to be shown the truth. Because your mind has already put this perception of “how they felt” in your mind and it’s hard to let it go. It’s like believing in something for a long time and then figuring out the mind-blowing truth. The only examples I can think of are Santa Clause and the tooth fairy but it’s deeper than child beliefs. It’s a person… and your heart.

If there are signs and memories involved. Woh, that makes the situation ten times tougher. There were, what seemed to look like, “hints” that your mind and heart considered. How you think they felt is of course backed by evidence and this is the evidence. How they acted towards you. How they talked to you, their word choice. It’s all considered. But now that the truth is out and they actually don’t feel the way your mind perceives— what’s to become of those signs now? What were they? Who was this person, really?

And to not only be wrong about how they feel but also about who they are? It’s horrible.

Especially if you let the person in and opened up to them in a way you’ve never opened up to anyone else. But that never mattered to them.

Actually, nothing involving you mattered to them. No matter how much your heart wanted to push that thought away, maybe it’s the truth. If it’s not, where are they to prove you wrong?

Maybe all those weeks of pushing for the relationship to keep standing, it was just always meant to fall apart. You can’t force something that’s not there… that doesn’t want to be there in the first place: feelings or friendship.

It takes two people to build and maintain a relationship and if you have to question the other person’s intentions and whether they care about you, not because you’re scared but because they never proved to have cared… there’s a problem. And if you have to guess their feelings based on signs— you know that there is a miscommunication somewhere.

It’s dark and depressing to be wrong about someone and the way they feel. So don’t force a relationship if your thoughts and perceptions of the person are what you have to believe in instead of the person itself. If the person doesn’t show you who they really are then what’s making you stick around?

Don’t stay just to be burned. Trust me, this is coming from a girl who’s just been incinerated.


I knowww my blogging game truly sucks. But I’m going to try really hard. It’s like I stopped using blogging as my therapy and I miss it. I vaguely remember whenever I had feelings or emotions to vent, I always pulled up this page and it made me feel better. But so many factors have ruined that feeling for me. But I’m going to try harder.

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storytime & feelings: watching the clouds with you.

So even though things have been all kinds of confusing with Phoenix considering that I have feelings for him and he tends to “lose focus,” we hung out last week Tuesday for the second time.

Honestly, the moments/minutes leading up to the hang out were not very pleasant. I told him that I was free anytime in the afternoon, but we never really confirmed a time, he just told me he had to leave the hang out before 4. He told me that he would text me when he left the house. This was around 12 noon. I took a quick shower and anxiously asked my dad if I could go to the library with my friend (because that’s where we were meeting up). I was really surprised when my dad said yes because he didn’t ask about my friend (or the gender of my friend). Because my dad is Indian, and ya know if I told him I was hanging out with a guy… I would never hear the end of it. But he didn’t ask me so I was in the clear.

But 2 hours passed and now I’m not sure if Phoenix is gonna cancel on me again because he hasn’t told me if he left and he left my message on read. It made me stressed out and anxious. Not only because of him, but my dad needed me to scan a whole bunch of documents… and he asked me literally the minute before he had to leave for work. So I had to do that and then I decided to text him and ask, “Did you leave yet?” I wouldn’t have texted him first but I was really stressed and I didn’t care anymore so I just sent the text.

He texted back and told me that he did leave and I should leave the house too. So I was in a literal rush now. And also, I almost forgot this. I texted my friend telling her I needed help. I was going to ask her if wearing a skirt sent the wrong signal. Yes, I am a girl and I don’t need to send him anything yet because not even a few days ago this same boy pissed me off to no end with his excuse of why he canceled on me last week (which her didn’t give me until 3 days later.  He left me clueless as to why we didn’t hang out). She texted me when I was trying to rush out of the house, scanning the last document… so that makes it 3 things that rushed me. She told me no skirts and I tried to reason with her that skirts are my casual style. But then she convinced me to wear shorts, and honestly (but don’t tell her this lol) I felt more comfortable in shorts.

So then I left the house and my mom dropped me off at the library.  I remember that my heart was beating really fast and palpitating because I sent my friend a text that said, “My heart is doing trippy things.” My mom pulls up to the curb and I get out. I don’t know where he is but I know that he’s there. I walk up to the library (it’s a HUGE library) and the whole area is this downtown shopping area so there are stores and people all around. I don’t know why but I turn around, maybe to see if my mom left or to see if I could find him. I didn’t actually expect him to be walking up to me. Lol I would like to think that life owes me a favor where I could at least see him before he saw me. I think he saw me getting out of the car *facepalms* which is greaaatttt because I accidentally opened the car door too far and hit a mini grass hill.

So when I turned around for a second, he was coming down these stairs and he was smirking. I didn’t realize what was happening, that he was actually walking up to me and this was actually happening until 2 seconds later. Lol for those 2 seconds I was walking to who knows where. When the realization came I was like “Woah wait where are you going? He’s walking up to you Rebecca.” So I waited for him to meet me at the bottom of this little ramp thing that he was walking down. Ugh feelings, here I come.

*A very detailed, explanatory story follows ahead which is then followed by an analysis of my feelings and thoughts. Proceed with caution.*

As soon as he walked up to me, he smiled and my mind was like “This is actually happening.” He told me that he was going to take me to a park but we walked to an ATM to get some money first and he asked me to be his bodyguard lol. And I was like, “I should just let them rob you.” Then we walked through downtown for a bit because he had to go break some change. It was funny because we walked to a 7-11 and he asked them for change and they didn’t have any. I didn’t hear the conversation he had with the cashier but I thought the cashier was getting him money because he just stood there for a few seconds but then he said, “Let’s go.” And I was like, “Wait what happened?” He told me they didn’t have any change and then I questioned why he stood there for two extra seconds. He was like, “I was in shock, I couldn’t believe it” lol that was funny.

It was weird because I swear, as soon as I got out of the car these rain droplets started falling, but it was still pretty sunny. The last time we hung out it was raining, so we had to go to the library. Then last week he canceled on me because it was raining and he wanted to hang out outdoors. And I pointed this out to him and we joked about it. But hmm is that a sign?

We walked to the park. There were other teenagers there sitting on benches next to a playground. I guess they were from our school because he said he knew them from his class but he didn’t know them know them. He didn’t want to sit there and I didn’t want to sit there because ew teenagers lol (Yes, I am fully aware that I am a teenager lol, but these were supposedly teenagers from my school ew).

So we sat on these playground chairs in the middle of the playground. These were playground chairs, so they were cramped and there were two sets of these chairs. One was on the ground level (which I could reach), the other one was up higher and you had to get to it by climbing on the ground level set. He wanted to sit up there and I didn’t mind. But being a small person (and a PROUD one at that lol) he had to lift me up… Yeah… Honestly, I have to admit that the way he lifted me up was really weird. This chair consisted of two chairs connected to each other. So he laid down on the chairs, they were like u-shaped chillax chairs— they curved so you could lay down and like look at the clouds. But I sat next to him while he laid down (I was facing him) and we just talked about what we’ve been up to so far and how life’s been and other small stuff. Then a little girl wanted to sit on the chairs so we moved.

We moved to the benches (the other teens left) and talked some more. Someone called him and he talked in his native language and it was honestly so cool. Then we talked about the languages our families speak in. Which then made him ask me to say some words in my language, but I was embarrassed because I don’t talk in my parent’s native language, I just understand and listen to them because I only talk in English. So I was self-conscious of saying words wrong because I have no Indian accent whatsoever (it’s sad). But, he was literally so sweet. He was like “So what? I don’t even know if you’re saying it wrong so there’s nothing to worry or be freaked out about. I’m not going to judge you. I want to hear some words.” I told him what rain is (not considering the coincidental value this word already has). I don’t know how but we talked about going far away some day and he made us shake our hands (I know, was it a business deal? lol) as a deal to drive away from everything one day.

Then the benches got boring so we went back to the playground chairs. And this time… physical. Ok, you have to believe me when I said I TRIED. I really did. Because last time we hung out he was very touchy feely. I mean he’s a touchy feely person in general. But… ok the last time we hung out he tickled me (we were both sitting in chairs) and I don’t know I ended up on the floor and I ended up putting my head on his knee (TRUST ME, it isn’t as weird as it sounds) then we went on the bus and he tickled me again and I ended up putting my head on his shoulder and leaving it there and sometimes he put his head on my head. And he kept brushing strands of hair out of my face multiple times to “help me out.” So that was the last hang out and it kind of ruined me, so I mentally prepared myself for his touchy feeli-ness because I knew it would just ruin me later in the future.

But he was right there and my heart was just speaking for me. I mean you can convince yourself not to do something when you look back at it or if you’re away from the person, but being there in the moment with him, it was hard. We sat on the chairs again: he laid down and I sat upwards with my back to his knee like last time. I had my knees folded and sat and one of his hands opened out and I laid my folded knee in the direction of his stomach and he rested his hand on/around my knee. Then my leg cramped and I had to move and suddenly his arm rested near, some might even say around my waist (urgh).

And he kept playing with my life. I’m a small person compared to him and he took up half the chair space. He pretended to drop me and we were higher up, so it was scary, but not really because I knew he was just playing around. But my heart dropped the first time he did it because honestly, I wasn’t expecting it and the way he held me after he almost dropped me was fhjbjlumtdbt. He kept doing it and each time he did it he pulled me closer and I… came closer too buttttttttt I stopped myself. We also talked in between.

Then my foot was cramping so I had to lay down next to him. And he was like “Yeah, lay down, look at the clouds.” So I did and it was so nice. I pointed out a plane to him and felt like a little kid lol. But the reason I didn’t want to lay down next to him was that I thought he was going to do this one thing that I was scared of him doing: putting his arm around my shoulders. Because he is touchy feely and you can never tell. When I laid down he didn’t do anything for a few minutes. So you know how people put their arms behind their head in a sort of chillaxing way? He did that and this fool took up half my head space.. and he knew that he was doing that. I asked him to move but he just smirked- the nerve. So for the sake of my head and not wanting to fall off the chair, I had to put my head on his arm. And suddenly he moved his arm position and did exactly that: put his arm around my shoulder. I didn’t even realize when it was happening. Then, after a while, my neck started hurting, I don’t know there’s something wrong with my alignment I swear I have the back/neck of an old lady. So I told him and he tried fixing it by moving us higher but it didn’t help so I had to put my head into his chest area a little bit, but NOT on his chest, more into his arm if ya get what I mean. So yeah… there was that.

There were these small moments of silence, but it wasn’t awkward, it was like this calmness like one of those “I’m happy to be here with you” moments. That’s how I felt, I don’t know about him. Then while I was laying there I thought: Wow, it’s like we’re a casual couple hanging out at the park forgetting about the worries of the world. But wait one thing is missing: he doesn’t have feelings for me. So I felt complete (in my heart’s sense) but also heartbroken.

Also, he was supposed to leave at 5:30 to soccer practice and his friend called and he told them that he was on his way but he kept staying there with me because he made the point that he always practices soccer but he barely sees me. Of course, that didn’t help me. It made my heart go up but it also broke a little. Because he is insanely busy and he told me that next week he’s going out of state for a soccer thing and I don’t know why but my heart dropped but it’s not like I was going to see him next week or anything so I don’t know why I was feeling that.

We left the park at around 6 and I told him that my stomach was hurting because I hardly ate anything (there was no food at my house and my summer hunger is very weird) and we went to a store and he got me fries and he paid for me and I have no idea why he did that. That’s also a reason why I told him that it’s no bother that if we don’t get food because I knew he would be a gentleman and pay.

Then we had to go different directions and my heart dropped again. He told me the directions to the library, we side-hugged (which is something I kind of regret now because I wish I gave him a real hug but one hand was holding the bag of fries and the other held my phone). I told him that if I got kidnapped it would be his fault lol. Then I walked off and it took everything in me not to turn around and face him because if I did I would never want to leave. Of course, my resolve was not great. I did eventually turn back, but I turned when he was crossing the street.

Of course, I didn’t feel all that great after the hang out because I was thinking of something he said a few minutes before we left each other: he told me that if he saw me on a date whilst he was walking downtown (which was where we were) he would be like “Ooooh I see you, Rebecca.” And his reaction was so genuine and it’s something any of my other friends would say, there was no underlying meaning or pain in what he said we weren’t even talking about me and a date- he just brought it up.

I was feeling down because I’m so deep in the friendzone. I just feel like such a girl. Not even two seconds ago I was angry at him and now, I don’t even know.

And I called him like half an hour after we left each other because my mom wasn’t home and I needed a ride (my parents wouldn’t let me drive the van alone and honestly I’m scared to drive it… even though license I know, it’s just a huge car. Plus I would need to park it and there are parking meters and parking lots I have to consider, remember this is a shopping center). So I called to ask him how much the bus cost but he didn’t pick up, I think he was already at practice by then. Then he called me later when I was venting to my friend (about him) and I thought twice about not answering it but I didn’t know the outcomes of that so I just picked up. I told him why I called him and yeah… I just wanted to stay on the phone longer with him and yep I am ruined. Ugh, it also doesn’t help that he always says, “Stay safe” as often as he says hi or goodbye. Ugh ugh ugh.

It’s just so confusing for my heart because it’s as if there are two sides of him. There’s the real-life him. Who’s honestly so sweet and chill. Then there’s the texting side of him who’s a jerk and leaves me hanging some days. I don’t like the whole game, it has me pulling on my hairs and questioning my sanity.

And it doesn’t help that my friends keep telling me, “Oh, he wouldn’t do that if you two were ‘just friends’.” It’s all just a tangled mess of what do I do? Does he like me? Is he worth it considering all he’s done to me?

Feelings are a pool of “I don’t want this.” But just like I told one of my friends who’s also feeling overwhelming emotions: “It’s better to feel something than it is feeling nothing.”

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Rant: I’m GROWING UP??!?

As hard as it is to believe, I am.

Excuse me is there some time genie I could talk to about this? Because…

06.21.17

I GOT MY FRICKIN LICENSE!!!

Of course, I was so nervous and I blanked out when I had to start the car (fortunately they didn’t test me on that).

But my uncle knew I was nervous and he eased my nerves. Practicing with him has helped me a lot (I mean compared to my dad’s teaching yelling, yes, my uncle has helped me a lot). He prayed for me before the test and he kept me calm. And the moment I passed he gave me a side hug and told me that he knew I could do it.

So during the test, I was a shaky mess. But I kept under the speed limit and kept within the lines, and parked very nicely. The lady wasn’t mean, she was very calm. When she said the words, “You passed.” I couldn’t really believe it because she said like it was something casual and she like packed it in with the rest of what she said, so the “You passed” was packed in with everything else she said. But once I registered it, it was like “Wait, what? Did you just say I passed? I passed?!?” I was smiling so much, everyone in front of the motor vehicle place was staring at me like “Why is this girl smiling she’s literally walking into the place where time stands still (because it literally does)?”

Even though I was really happy, the place really killed my vibe. I waited until the place closed aka 2 hours later. I was cold and hungry. I really don’t know what happened. They never called my ticket number. By the time I went to the counter and the lady (who I have to say, was extremely nice) asked me “Are you excited to get your license?” I responded with excitement, or at least I tried to… the near-hypothermia might’ve messed up the excitement.

But on Monday, I got my license in the mail and I’m so so so happy.

06.28.17

I took my senior pictures!!

I had to go to school early for this college workshop at like 10 until 12 then I had to go for my pictures at 1:15. So what would I do for an hour and 15 minutes? I went to Macdonald’s. It was so nice. I just spent time with myself sipping a smoothie. But I didn’t feel lonely. It was so nice to just be in that moment with myself.

Lol then I had to do my makeup in a Macdonald’s bathroom. But can I just say that the one near my school, the one I went to, they play some really good music. Lol I felt so pumped and confident while I put my makeup on.

Then I went back to school to take the pictures. You know what they were playing when I walked in? A Fifth Harmony song. They were playing Fifth. Harmony. It’s like they knew I was coming lol. It turned out really good. The photographer was really nice and he actually showed me the pictures and I looked so grown up that I had to take a reality check and ask myself “Woah, wait, that’s really me?”

So yeah that’s been the growing up that I’ve done so far. Honestly, I’m not freaking out like “Nooooo, I don’t want to grow up!” I’m kind of finding myself easing into all of this day by day. Like I”m growing up, finally. I’m maturing. I’m becoming who I am.

I mean I had anxiety in both instances. Mostly in the second instance because no one was there with me. But I made it through. I made it through? Agh I did!

Future, here I come?

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