feelings 1:12 a.m.

I don’t like this feeling.

I don’t want to feel it.

And the worst part about the feeling? I know that I’m going to keep feeling it.

I don’t like talking to some of my friends about it. Becuase it feels like I’m being “overdramatic.”

Am I?

Am I just taking things out of proportion?

Would you feel the same way if… I don’t know how to give this story without context. But I don’t want to give context because I’m just so exhausted, not only over this issue but the fact that it’s the same damn person every single time. It’s the same person who makes me feel like shit.

I don’t think it even really matters what happened but more so how I keep letting it happen.

I keep forgiving Phoenix for everything he puts me through. And not because he deserves it or solely because I have feelings for him. But because I feel like my emotions aren’t valid.

I mean if I thought of him as a friend would I still be hurt over everything he’s done to me? I’m not actually sure. I feel like I would still be hurt but not as much.

But the problem is, he keeps hurting me. And I keep letting him.

Whenever I find a reason to be mad at him, it never sticks around. It’s an excessive disturbing cycle. I get mad, I might rant to some of my friends, I think of all the crap he’s put me through, I “think” I’m ready to hurt him as much as he’s hurt me, and then… he talks to me and I submit. All it takes is one mere act of him sending me a message and maybe at first, I’m like “You’re a piece of crap.” But eventually, he warms up to my heart again and the cycle restarts itself.

I’m tired.

I know I can never stay mad at him. But I should. Because he keeps treating me like I don’t have feelings. Just the other week I told him that he hurt my feelings (kind of in a joking way but also in a serious way) and he made it into this game and told me to “toughen up.” He’ll never take anything seriously. He thinks all my feelings and emotions are a game.

Whenever he tells me a lie, he never feels bad. He never thinks twice about hurting me.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

Word of advice? If someone has treated you like shit in the past, they’ll keep treating you like shit.

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Fake Friends and Forgiveness

So this might not be like a new experience story because of course, I see some of my old fake “friends” all the time.

And my interaction with her isn’t haunting me and I’m not overthinking it. I actually considered not writing about this because it’s not really a big deal to me and I don’t want to make it bigger than it actually is.

It’s not the interaction itself but how I reacted in the mere second I saw her.

I feel like you should have some background on this fake friend. We became friends freshmen year and I actually thought she would stick around for a while. Of course, our relationship wasn’t perfect no relationship ever is. But I never thought that there would be months that we wouldn’t talk to each other or instances where we see each other in school and act like we weren’t close. Or at least she acts like we weren’t close.

But honestly, it’s not like she was an amazing friend to me. In my sophomore year, (my current worst year in high school) I sat with her at lunch because my best friend didn’t have the same lunch period as me and I was still kind of a newbie to high school so I didn’t really have any other friends. There were days where it was shocking when she came to lunch or she told me where she was at lunch. She just left me some days to sit at a table alone. One of these instances involved her sister seeing me and telling her that I was alone which then made her call me near the end of lunch and tell me that she was in the library. She never even told me she was in the library in the first place, only after her sister saw me alone. A pity call.

That was literally the worst period of my life. I thought I wasn’t worth enough to even be accompanied at lunch.

But our friendship kept going (on snapchat) because I tend to forgive and forget. But then she started hanging out with other people and finding her “real” friends. It always felt weird seeing her snapchat stories of her having fun and doing so many things while I sat at home with anxiety. It didn’t feel weird it felt like crap. But to see her with all those friends?

What was so wrong with me? Why did she want to throw me away like I was a useless piece of garbage?

In December, I don’t remember who talked first but it happened and the conversation lasted for days. I tried hard to talk to her even in times when I could feel that she didn’t want to talk to me. Even in times when her replies shouldn’t have deserved anything more. But I didn’t want to just leave her on read and let whatever our friendship was to come to a definite stop. It was honestly nice to talk to her again. It felt like old times.

But it didn’t last.

Nowadays, I barely think of her (except of course when I’m checking that dumb, needy app) but that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt. I even find myself not being able to look at her story because of my hurt feelings.

Back to the present. I see her when I go to my fifth period out of nowhere. I can’t really avoid her or pretend I didn’t see her because the hallway is pretty empty and she already caught my eye. She smiles and seems excited and opens her arms for a hug. I don’t really know what

I don’t really know what happened in that moment. When I hugged her, it didn’t seem fake on my part. When I smiled at her, it felt fake at first and then it felt genuine. Then she said a joke about my smallness and I retorted back a joke.

I tried to be hurt. I tried to be fake. But it didn’t work. I was real. My smile didn’t feel fake.

Maybe it’s because everything happened in seconds and it wasn’t even a long interaction, but how I reacted is bothering me.

I always forgive and forget so easily.

I forgave and forget all the crap that Phoenix has put me through, but that’s partially because I have feelings for him so I can’t really allow him into the circle.

But why do I always forgive and forget? Even if that person doesn’t deserve forgiveness?

After that interaction, neither one of us is going to reach out to the other. So why did I feel the need to be genuine with her?

Why wasn’t I able to give her a fake smile? Why wasn’t I able to give her a fake hug? I mean I know I’m capable of it. I always fake smile whenever a family relative criticizes my weight (like it’s any of their business).

Is it weird that I want to be fake? It’s not really that I want to be fake but the fact that in literally a mere second I was able to forgive someone who made me feel like crap is bothering me. I was able to forgive someone who I wasted so much of my time and energy on. I was able to forgive someone who made me question my self-worth.

And I don’t like that.

Because there have been instances where all I do is forgive people… no there haven’t been instances— it’s my whole life. It’s my life where all I do is forgive people for hurting me.

Why?

Because I don’t want to make it into this big thing. I don’t want to be “overdramatic.” I don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable. I mean our thoughts are way way way deeper than life actually is. If life was tv, our thoughts would be a soap-opera drama while our real lives would be a comedy. I don’t want to make the situation worse than it actually is.

I don’t really feel like my feelings are acceptable. Yes, it would be worse if I held onto most things and had grudges.

But I don’t want to keep getting hurt. I don’t want to keep forgiving someone so much to a point where I’m losing a piece of myself. If I keep forgiving people who don’t deserve to be forgiven for what they did to me, what does that make me?

A good, forgiving person who had the company of someone who saw me as “not enough.”

Because even if I’m the one who keeps forgiving. The other person is still the one who is 100% unfazed of hurting me. They are still the person who has lost nothing. They are the person who “got rid of garbage.”

I know this from experience: If I keep forgiving and forgiving one person all they’re going to keep doing is continually hurt me. I can’t let that into my life. I don’t want to.

Honestly, I’m doing that right now where I’m constantly forgiving someone who continually makes my mind hurt from all the overthinking. And it sucks.

It’s really not fair when it comes to fake friends and just fake people in general. You give them literally your all and all they can give you is nothing but pain and hurt and a piece of your heart missing.

It’s funny. You would think that once a fake person is out of your life everything is great: the sky is clearer and your headspace is better. But in a sense, it’s worse. Because whether you want to admit it or not— they took a piece of you. A piece that took you a long time to make.

A piece that you can never get back.

You try so hard. Some days, you might even fool yourself that it’s okay and you’ve forgotten all about the person and all they’ve done to you. But all it can take is one mere second for you to realize that it’s not okay.

And in that second you should realize: Yes, my feelings do matter. Yes, I am worth it but they are not worth my time. Yes, they did take a piece of me but I got a lesson from them.

Be honest with yourself. Use your feelings. I know, trust me, I know that there are times when you don’t want to be open and vulnerable with someone. Or you might not want to make something into a big deal.

But it’s better talking about it and forgiving the person because you’ve talked about it instead of forgiving the issue yourself because you feel bad for having feelings.

You’re human. Don’t bully yourself because you are and the other person tends to forget that. Things hurt you, things that the other person might not see as hurtful. But that doesn’t make it okay.

Things hurt you, things that the other person might not see as hurtful. But that doesn’t make it okay.

No one will ever know you better than yourself and if someone is hurting you and you’re questioning if that hurt is “acceptable,” it is. Only you know all you’ve been through. You’re feeling that way because of the past and you don’t want whatever’s haunting you to come true (maybe for the first time or to come true again). The other person doesn’t know all you’ve been through. All the anger, sadness, and pain.

You’ve been through a lot and don’t take away all that development away to just shun your feelings in the end. They are 100% acceptable and will always be.

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I Opened Up to a Guy… and This Is What Happened.

Have you ever wished you could take back something? That you could go back to the past and undo actions that turned out to be hell? Well if you have, hop in because we’re in the same boat and that’s exactly what I’m going to talk about.

This is my disclaimer to you because this is a long and complicated rant, so buckle in if you’re ready to hear how opening up to a guy turned out.

You guys know Phoenix right? No? You’re new? Well in summary: he’s the guy I like and my friend who I text daily.

If you’re not new, you might’ve responded with: “He’s the guy who cares about you so much, I like him- he’s a keeper!” Well… now I’m not sure about that.

So if you read the last post I did which involved Phoenix (Boy Rant: What’s Wrong) everything was going fine. It was actually good. I guess this was life’s cue to turn everything into crap.

I thought he cared. I thought he was different. I thought I could open up to him.

Urgh, I’m getting carried away with the end of the story.

So, the days before Friday we kind of just had a conversation about him asking me what’s wrong and me being vague about it not wanting to talk about it/not wanting to open up to him. And I thought that everything was going to be okay. We were back to our regular conversation of long paragraphs and jokes. But of course, I just had to ruin it.

On Friday, I felt horrible and depressed, for reasons that I already shared. I wanted to talk to someone. I thought of talking to the texting hotline I contacted that previous Monday, but I thought that it would be too sudden considering that I talked to them just 4 days ago (I should have). I didn’t have any friends to go to (Or I thought I didn’t).

Then I remembered that Phoenix was there. He told me that if I’m ready to open up he’ll be there.

So I did.

I didn’t care about my anxiety. I didn’t care about anything really because I was too sad to care about anything.

So I texted him (on snapchat) about all my thoughts and feelings (not how I feel about him). I said something along the lines of: Explanations of why I don’t want to bother you, this is why I don’t want to open up to you, why I’m sad, why life sucks for me… other stuff I can’t remember. I ended up sending 3 full page messages to him. I poured my mind and my heart (not the part that likes him) to him.

On a Friday Night.

I didn’t feel all “that” anxious sending him that message not only because I was too sad to care, but also because he told me that he would be there when I was ready to open up to him. So what was there to feel completely (because of course, I still have anxiety) anxious about?

Turns out, I should’ve been overwhelmingly anxious about it and thought twice about sending that message.

Saturday morning, I felt even worse. Not because of him, but because of my sadness. I went to church and I felt like crap. I kept annoyingly looking at my phone to see if Phoenix texted me, to see if he could help me from digging myself into a deeper hole.

He didn’t text me but I see that he did post something on his story. I didn’t completely look at it, but it was a picture of one of his friends. And I knew in that moment- that I messed everything up. The one major reason that I didn’t want to be open with him (that I actually TOLD him in the message) is because he. has. a. fucking. life.

He has friends, family, a passion. He has a life. And what did the broken girl do? She had to burden him with her problems.

So I did the only thing I could do to pause my life. I turned off my phone. Not only because of him but because of everything. I just wanted the anxiety of him, everything concerning him to be turned off for a while. I wanted to isolate myself from my friends for a while. I wanted to stop worrying and overthinking because it really wasn’t helping that I was already feeling crappy about life. I just wanted that dumb phone to be turned off.

That Saturday afternoon turned out to be one of the worst in my life, I don’t want to revisit it.

Saturday afternoon becomes night and I figure I should turn my phone back on because curiosity is a disease.

I see that some of my friends sent me snapchats, but of course, the only conversation I worry about is the one where I carelessly talked about my thoughts to someone I met only a few months ago. I checked it and what do I see?

Opened at 11:25 A.M.

(Not sure about the 25, just emphasizing a point) He opened my message that Saturday morning. The time I felt the worst about myself. The time I needed someone to care a little bit.

And the one person I reached out to didn’t even care. Is opening a vulnerable text message and just ignoring it considered as caring?

I waited. Because sometimes he opens my messages, saves them, and responds later. But I was too scared to check if he saved them.

I thought that he would reply on Sunday. Nothing.

I was a mess considering the whole thing. I couldn’t believe I actually did what I did. I thought maybe if I slept enough it could be a dream. Maybe if I didn’t check my phone too much he’ll respond.

I thought that he would reply on Monday. Nothing.

I felt even worse but I was going to go over to my best friend’s house to hang out so my day wasn’t complete crap because of my thoughts. It actually helped me from overthinking too much. When I got to her house my phone was dying and I kind of wanted it to die because then I wouldn’t obsess over that dumb notification, hoping that everytime I see it, it’s him.

When I got home that night, I went to bed right away only picking up my phone to charge it the night before the first day of school after spring break.

Tuesday morning. 6 o’clock. Back to the same tired and groggy school routine. I check my notifications and I don’t see his name until I open the app and see that he did, in fact, text me.

Last night.

He texted me the night before school started. That previous Monday night. I texted him that dumb message of my thoughts on a Friday night. He only texted me because school would be the next day and he knew that he would see me.

We don’t have any classes together but I always pick my friend up after first period, and Phoenix has the same first period as her so I always see him. But, of course, I already thought of a way to not see him.

Because how could I?

I was literally drowning that weekend and I reached out to him, and all I got was radio silence, or water in my lungs if this is a metaphor. I knew that once I saw him in person I would immediately forgive him, but I can’t do that to myself. I can’t just forgive him because he’s him.

So I texted the friend that I pick up and told her lied to her that I had to stay a while in my first period class and that she should just go to class because I don’t want to make her late. She told me that she was really sad that she didn’t see me. I was sad too, I wish I didn’t have to do that. I felt so so bad.

Of course, I never opened Phoenix’s message because:

A. He deserves it, I am a girl and I’m allowed to be a bit petty lol and B. I was scared.

Whenever I thought of his awaiting message I thought of all I’ve said to him. And my anxiety came crashing in each time I did that. I sent him an essay basically and all he did was toss it aside like a piece of trash or disregard it like a homework assignment.

So I talked to some of my friends about it.

One of my freshmen friends who doesn’t know him told me that I can never open up to a guy. And I try explaining to her that he’s different, but in that moment I couldn’t think of anything to differentiate him from every other jerk-y guy.

I talked to the friend that I was supposed to pick up after first period about it and I asked her if maybe she could pick me up instead of the other way around. And she agreed, she didn’t even question it at first. After explaining to her which hallway my class was in, she then asked why. I told her it was because of him, who she knows because they have the same first period (I hope you’re able to understand these details ahh).

She’s not really his friend. I was kind of hesitant about telling this friend because I thought that she would tell him because when all three of us had the same class together last semester she loved to tease me about our friendship and how it’s something more. Even though I never told this friend I like him lol she just made fun of the fact that Phoenix was my friend. So I asked her not to tell him what I said and she said she wouldn’t and she doesn’t even talk to him.

It’s Tuesday night and I still have an awaiting message from him that I never opened. Even though he took 3 days to reply to me, doesn’t mean it’s easy for me to do the same to him. I felt bad for not responding in 12 hours. But I really didn’t want to open that message without someone. It was also easy to disregard the message this day because I was watching some movies at my friend’s house.

Wednesday morning.

The message is still there. I know, I know. I should just open it. But I can’t. What if I’m not prepared for what he would say?

It’s fifth period and my only in-school friend who knows that I like him is in this class. I thought about telling her about it, and also thought about the repercussions. But I mean how bad could it be talking to her about it?

So I tell her about the whole “What’s wrong” thing and she says “Aww” at first, but then I keep going with the story. And at the end oof the story, which is him opening the message and not responding until days later, she doesn’t know what to say. She tried telling me that I did nothing wrong.

But. why. do. I. feel. like. I. did?

Like it was my fault for opening up to him, even though he said I’ll be here when you’re ready to open up.

Then she asks me what his message said and I tell her I haven’t opened it.

Now you should know this about my friend, she’s very chill about things and she doesn’t like overthinking something too long. For example, yesterday she went on a field trip and the bus broke down and all her classmates were complaining about being late and other stuff and she was just like “Oh well, it’s not like the world’s ending.” She doesn’t like keeping her mind set on one problem, which is something I absolutely admire about her. But, of course, I’m an overthinker. She doesn’t even overthink about guys, especially about the guy she likes, she knows that she doesn’t have a chance with a guy but she’s perfectly o.k.a.y. with it.

Now that you know this, it makes sense that my friend wants me to simply open the message and see what it says. I tell her I can’t, I’m not chill like her. So she tells me she’ll read it for me. Minutes pass by as we try to listen to our teacher and she has some stories to personally share, her life is always interesting lol.

Then I open the message because being near her just made me create this mindset, “Let me just get it over with,” lol. So I slowly open up the message, and what do I see?

What was I constantly worrying about? What was I scared and anxious to open?

A dumb screenshot. He sent me a fucking screenshot.

I don’t know how many of you have snapchat, after this I’m thinking of deleting it, but you can watch these videos/articles (they call it stories) from like magazine brands like People or radio networks like iHeartRadio. It’s basically an electronic version of a magazine. And he sent me one of those stories and on it said: “You’re putting on chapstick wrong.”

You’re. putting. on. chapstick. wrong.

I was racking my brain worrying over how vulnerable I was and how he would respond and he sends me a fucking magazine article about putting my chapstick on wrong.

I hate cursing, I only do it when I’m mad. But why wouldn’t I be mad?

Wouldn’t you be mad?

If you opened up to someone you’re scared to open up to, you’re scared of what they say… but they just throw it aside like a used tissue, as if nothing ever happened.

I mean really, what happened?

I know I don’t know his side of the story. But I can’t just convince myself or lie to my heart that me opening up to him never happened- like he is supposedly doing. I mean it happened. As much as I want to sleep it untrue, it happened. But he’s acting as if I didn’t just send him a whole essay on my dark thoughts.

Did it really mean nothing to him that I was opening up a broken piece of myself? Did he just read the message and think “Nah, I don’t want to get caught up in this bullshit.”

I don’t know. I don’t know what he thought. But either way, it hurts. I don’t care what I’ve said in the past about him caring because as of right now, he doesn’t. As of right now, I want to hurt about this and be pissed at him even though he doesn’t know I’m pissed at him.

I want to be pissed at the one guy who seems indefinitely perfect in a world full of jerks. Makes it easier for me, huh?

Back to the story, my chill friend was going to respond to him with “No response to my rant?” but I didn’t want her to send that to him. So instead she wrote, “Mmmkay that’s nice.” Even though I wanted to say worse things or nothing at all.

And I don’t know why, but I thought I would get a response to that mmkay message. I didn’t. He just opened my message (this afternoon). I don’t really care about him just opening the mmkay message, it was nothing.

But when I saw that “opened” it felt different. I always had a feeling whenever he left my messages on open that he would later reply. But I have a feeling that he’s not going to reply to this one. Or reply at all…

I’m not just mad, I’m heartbroken. I was thinking of being blunt with him about it and just talking to him, but of course, he updated his snapchat story. For those who might not know a snapchat story is for all your friends to see, not just one person. I thought I should watch what he says before making another risky decision. Basically, the story was him talking about some soccer player.

Nothing, right? No.

This is his passion. His life. The last thing he needs is a girl asking him why he did the heartbreaking thing that he did. He doesn’t need burdens. He doesn’t need drama.

He doesn’t need me.

Look at what I did. I fell. Did I only open up to him because I like him? Because I thought maybe what he had to say would fix me? I don’t know. Maybe. I thought that maybe he actually cared like he always told me he did. Maybe I was falling too hard and I needed to catch myself before it got too severe. Too late.

Maybe I just wanted someone to be there for me and I thought him saying that he’ll be there for me to open up is the reason he was put in my life because of course, I have to believe in the dumb “things happen for a reason” philosophy. Maybe he’s a special friend, that’s why he’s still my friend and hasn’t left (don’t speak too soon). I just wanted to talk to someone, I just needed to get things off my chest.

So I ran to the person who told me he cared, but he doesn’t.

He just acted as if nothing happened.

Maybe you’ll tell me I should talk to him about it. But how can I? Imagine if you did the same thing:

Being vulnerable once was something, but twice?

I wish I could be my chill friend and be like “It’s not that deep,” but it is for me, and I don’t know how to change that.

Phoenix intentionally hurt me. He’s unintentionally hurt me when he was always with his ex-girlfriend. But this time, he did it on purpose.

And it hurts. So. Much.

I told him in my dumb, vulnerable message that I would understand if he left once he read that message- but I don’t understand.

I know now. Opening up to him was a bad decision. A bad decision I can never take back.

And the worst part is, that if he reaches out to me, I’ll just forgive him as if him hurting me was nothing. But I can’t keep repeatedly hurting myself. I can’t keep giving myself scars because I want to keep this guy in my life.

It’s hard enough trying to avoid seeing him in the hallways considering that my heart really wants to see him. But I can’t. I don’t want to do that to myself. I’m here heartbroken, while he’s there unfazed. I care so much about him, I even feel bad for wanting to share my feelings with him. But he…

This is what happened when I opened up to a guy.

When he told me he cared… Why did I believe him?

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My Week Update

I don’t know what I should be more excited about: The fact that I’m done with the 30 hours of classroom education of driving school (which is why I’ve kind of been inactive for the past 2 weeks) or the fact that it’s finally spring break!!!

I think I’m more excited about the second one, as you might be able to tell from the bold.

So this is kind of a life update, not just a week update. Because of driving school AND school, I haven’t been able to catch up with you guys or myself. How’s everyone been?

So driving school was a lot of work. I had to come home from school, do homework for the 3 hours I have, before going to driving school and coming home at 9. The first week (which was last week) was really tiring because it was the second to last week before spring break so of course, teachers were cramming in tests, quizzes, and essays. Not only because of the nearing spring break but also because the end of the third quarter was coming too.

As of this morning, my grades are actually pretty good, but I’m glad the grade book is closing up. Because, I kid you not, all of my grades are either B’s close to A’s (which frustrates me) or A’s close to B’s (which gives me anxiety, hoping that my teachers aren’t done entering work in). Imagine seeing an 89.0% (B grade)and literally, all you need to get an A is an extra .7% to make it an 89.7% this grading system/school system really pisses me off, but that’s for another post in the near future.

The second week of driving school, I just wanted to get out of there. The teacher noticed I didn’t talk much (thank you social anxiety) so he called me out about it during class and said he would take off participation points (which he can’t do) so that made me feel horrible. But he didn’t mention it again and just let me be so that was okay. But honestly, I’m glad it’s all over. I just need my 6 hours of instructional driving.

In piano class, I had a recital that I was in no way prepared for because I didn’t know what to play. I’ve been learning “A Thousand Years” by Christina Perri but I didn’t learn the whole 7-page song so I thought I would just do a song out of our piano book. But of course, I didn’t learn the book page piece until the day of the recital. Weirdly, I wasn’t anxious about my piano recital the night before, just the moment of it actually happening. So other students went to play their recital before me, and they played half of their songs, so I thought why not do “A Thousand Years?” I mean I’ve memorized the whole first part because I’ve been working on it since maybe November. Of course, my teacher called on me and it was like a minute before the bell rang. Well, my heart was pounding, but, I don’t know, the minute my fingers touched the piano and the sound came out it was like all the anxiety kind of faded away and it was just me and the music. I messed up my last note, but who doesn’t make mistakes here and there?

I went to a college fair as a high school field trip. This was my first field trip since 8th grade lol. It was kind of stressful. If anyone doesn’t know, a college fair is a place where students go to meet 100+ colleges with their booths set up in a reception hall or building. Well, there were 300+ colleges at this fair and there were so many buildings. The guide said there were 3 buildings but it felt like there were 10. (If you think 10 is an exaggeration I was about to say 20) Plus schools from all around the county came, so that’s 20+ schools. And you know what the worst part of it was? We only had 90 minutes. Plus we had to go in this alone. Well not alone alone, I was with my best friend. At first, we were both lost. Lol we actually walked out of one building and then walked into the same building but from a different side. But honestly, having her by my side gave me sanity and she made sure I got to go to the booths that interested me. If she wasn’t there I would just be hiding in a bathroom somewhere. I wish I had more time but I think I got enough brochures from colleges and settled on going to a college close to home or close to my state.

The day before the college fair, my friend literally saved me. I was stressed because I just had a meeting with my counselor about college. And there are SO MANY THINGS you have to do before applying. I mean it’s not just the SAT and a recommendation letter. So my friend helped me narrow down what I should be based on what I want to be and she gave me this website (lol she said that applying for the website was my homework) which will help me narrow down my choices and see where I should go.

Phoenix. I haven’t really been talking about him much. Well, not as much as I used to. I used to give weekly updates on everything going with him. Well, trust me, things are still very much complicated. He’s become a better texter time-wise. Last Sunday, he replied more than 5 times, on. the. same. day. So that helps my feelings. Then this past Monday, he saw me on the staircase at school and he tells me that he wants to hang out with me over Spring Break and we should text each other about it. I don’t really think it’s going to happen because I am still a girl with Indian parents. But, I mean, he really wants to hang out with me? And then he tells me little things while texting me that just make my heart want to explode. He’s doing something to me, I don’t know.

So, while texting, he said that our small interactions (because we barely see each other face-to-face, but sometimes we see each other for a few seconds) make his day. And he likes seeing me and teasing me. I told him that if it makes his day then mission accomplished and I like seeing him too. The teasing could be minimized though but I still like it. Then he tells me that he knew I liked the teasing and I told him I just said that so I wouldn’t sound too mean. And then he said your smile tells me otherwise. I don’t know it’s just things like that…. and then the fact that even though we barely see each other he doesn’t let go like everyone else so easily does. He actually tries in our friendship. I don’t want to ruin a great friendship.

But I mean he’s perfect. He’s perfect for a girl with anxiety. He told me that he doesn’t like parties. We were planning to go to a school play together but he couldn’t go, and he texted me saying that instead of going to the school play we should’ve gone somewhere where we could watch the beautiful sunset. ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME. Life really isn’t giving me a break. At least give me someone I can d.i.s.a.g.r.e.e. with. Then I told him that my dream one day is to just get away from the city and the people and the loudness and just look up at all the stars and their beauty, how I’ve never seen but a handful of stars and I wanna change that. And you know what he said?? Please, guess. I’ll give you a second.

Did you try? Please at least give it a try?

Ok, I won’t push you anymore. He said finally something great about you (he jokes around with me a lot don’t take this part seriously) that should be our goal for the summer or before the semester ends. We should make it happen. Yep. Yep. Yep. Of course, now it’ll be so easy to convince myself that we’re just friends (catch the sarcasm?) It’s like this past week I’ve just fallen deeper. Literally, the moment after I said I want to move. on. Hello Life, are you listening?

I don’t want to fall deeper. At least I don’t think I want to. I mean yes, he’s a great guy. He says so many sweet things. But he also friend zones me a lot. And I don’t know how much I can read between the lines before I just sdklfjlsdkf (that was me blowing up). And honestly, liking him isn’t good for me. It gives me so much anxiety. Plus, I hate some random girl I don’t even know just because she’s his ex-girlfriend and best friend. What is wrong with me? I didn’t even realize I was so absorbed in this nature of jealousy. I don’t know anything about this girl to hate her, apart from the fact that she was in my biology class last year for one semester, but I didn’t even pay that much attention to her (because if I did it would be weird, she was just another high school classmate) so I can’t even say she’s a bad person. Because she’s not. Yes, it hurts seeing them together but that doesn’t mean I have to hate this girl- which is what I’ve been doing for the past few months. And I hate hating people. I don’t want to hate her just because of my heart.

I just want to focus on myself. I need to. I need to think about who I want to be where I want to go in life. For one second I need to think of my well-being instead of worrying about what others think about me. I need to make sure I feel loved by myself and I’m proud of my own achievements.

This is why I’m excited about spring break. I’m just so ready for a break. I’m ready to destress for a little bit and take care of myself. Today itself, I took a nice shower and painted my nails and watched a movie. That might not seem like much, but it was a lot for me. I took care of myself. I did what makes me happy. I could forget about my worries for a second, and I think that’s all that matters right now.

«Music Friday»

One Time by Marian Hill

I’m so obsessed with Marian Hill. Their music is different from anything I usually listen to, which is why I love it. I first hear about them when they did a song with Lauren Jauregui, from my favorite band. Then I just started listening to that song on youtube in piano class and the autoplay thing on youtube was on and I was too lazy to stop it so I just listened to their music. One of the best decisions I’ve made. If you like this song, you should stream their whole album on Spotify, it gives you chills.

TRNDSTTR by Black Coast (Lucian Remix)

Hope you enjoy, have a great weekend everyone!

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thoughts 9:38 pm

Have you ever grown so comfortable with someone that you saw yourself telling them all these secrets and giving them so much of yourself?

You wanted to further your relationship, you wanted to feel safe with them, you wanted it to last.

But things change. Somewhere along the way, they act differently… they don’t try anymore?

They say all these promises making all kinds of plans for the future. And for a second you, being the doubtful person you usually are, actually believe them for a second. You can actually picture having that road trip with them or simply hanging out with them and going for car rides once one of you gets your license.

But then that fantasy is shattered… because it’s never going to happen. Things have changed.

They have suddenly forgotten all the things they’ve said. Or they remember and they just said them to make you happy or “eased.”

Right now I’m going through these emotions. I’m not 100% sure that this friendship that I have with this guy is actually going nowhere but… he says that he wants to hang out with me, but he hardly wants to talk to me whenever we see each other in the hallway. I mean shouldn’t it mean something to him that we actually seeing each other face to face (because we never see each other anymore)? Does he care?

Sorry that this is so vague, I didn’t really plan to write a blog post about this but it’s just bothering me.

I actually saw myself furthering my friendship with this person, this would be one of the few first real friends I’ve made since freshman year, and I don’t have many real friends.

But, I don’t know, something just changed in the past week. His promises just became like everyone else’s.

I can’t really say much without going into detail…

I was just wondering has anyone gone through this feeling? Of trusting someone so much. So much trust that you felt safe giving them your secrets? But now giving them your secrets feels like a burden or… I don’t know it’s just not the same.

Have you ever had that feeling that a friendship that you have with someone isn’t progressing anymore, it’s just going backwards?

«Music Friday»

Cancer by Twenty One Pilots

song like you By Bea Miller

burning bridges By Bea Miller 

i can’t breathe By Bea Miller

I’ve been really obsessed with Bea Miller’s new EP, as you can see lol… her voice is just so raw and her songs are beautiful. Also, I’m still obsessed with Twenty One Pilots I don’t think my obsession with them will ever stop. Hope you enjoy and have a great weekend everyone: we made it to Friday!

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my heart is breaking and I can’t do anything.

People always warn you about life.

How it won’t always be what you expect it to be.

How your grades might be suckish but you have to keep trying.

How the friends that you have right now won’t always be the friends that you have forever.

How you might not even know what you want to do with your life when you’re on the cusp of college.

I understood all of that. I got that.

But how come no one ever told me about a broken heart?

Why don’t we get taught about a broken heart?

Because I have no idea what to do but feel.

And feeling things are just placing me slowly into my hole of sadness…but I don’t want to go to my hole of sadness.

I want to be happy. I want to not care. I don’t want to feel.

But my heart. My heart has other plans. It wants to make me suffer. It wants to do this.

I’m not blaming my heart but why does it have to do this?

You’ve never known heartbreak until you see or hear something and you can physically feel your heart dropping and breaking into a million pieces. If you’ve ever had that feeling then we’re in the same boat: hop on.

It’s literally the worst thing in the world. It especially sucks when you’re in a room full of people and you can’t tell anyone… your friends no one that your heart is breaking. Because it’s your problem, and you don’t want to bother them.

They wouldn’t understand. They’d think this is a trivial matter. “Get over it.”

How can I?

How do you expect me to get over something that’s been building up? Something that I didn’t even intend to build up? Something I didn’t even want to build up?

I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t let my heart keep breaking. But I don’t want to ruin something good. What’ll hurt more?

The present: Which is what’s happening right now. My heart continually breaking whenever I see him with her.

Or the future: What might happen if I tell him the truth. I’ll lose him as a friend and everything will turn to crap.

I’m sorry you don’t have any context and I’m being really vague. I’m just getting so tired of my mind reliving every small detail. I can’t keep recounting anymore because it just gets exhausting. But if you keep up with my posts you might know who I’m talking about, considering I never shut up about him. My content has really hit a low considering I only talk about him and I have so many other blogging ideas.

But every day is just another struggle. Another heartbreak. Another broken road. I can’t keep doing this to myself. It hurts so much.

Ever since he’s entered my life, I can’t see me handling all this stuff without him. I mean, he made me feel safe about talking about my anxiety. You know what he told me? I once told him that I don’t want to bother him with details about my life and he said the reason that we talk is because he wants to know more about me. He cares and makes it seem like my life is of interest. Like my life is worth talking about.

I’ve been happier since I’ve been talking to him, I’m not going to lie or sugarcoat that. I’ve been happier because of him.

I can’t do this. Did I say that phrase a lot? I don’t know.

How can you just stop having feelings for the guy who has everything you’ve dreamed of in a guy when you watched those Disney princess movies? In middle school, I had a crush on someone and I always pictured them as caring and genuine. But I was just picturing my crush as that when they were in fact not at all “that.” All those traits that I dreamed were in my crush are in him. The him who is unknowingly breaking my heart. The him who is my friend. The him who has a girlfriend or whatever they are.

You know what the funny thing is? The only reason I didn’t want him in any of my classes were to make this whole thing easier on me. On my heart. I thought not having him in my classes would prevent me from seeing him with her. But guess what? The only time I see him is when he’s with her. Is life just trying to spit on me and kick me where it hurts? I mean really? Is that even necessary?

I. Do. Not. Want. This.

I didn’t want these feelings. Why couldn’t I just like a random guy in one of my classes? Why did it have to become a thing? Why did a friendship have to come out of it?

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say.

I don’t want to move on. He literally makes me so happy.

I don’t want to lose him as a friend. I can talk to him about anything.

I don’t want to tell him that I like him. I can’t. Everyone in our school knows that him and his girlfriend are a thing. They’re an “item” or whatever it is. I would be like that weird girl in the movies who’s in the way of the main couple of being together. and I can’t ruin our friendship, not when it’s just starting.

I can’t do anything.

I can’t do anything. 

I can only pretend. Whenever I see him, I have to seem happy considering I never see him. But how can I be happy when he’s with her? Or when I know he’s just waiting to meet her somewhere? How can I pretend to be happy?

This is why I can’t ever say hi to him. This is why I can only fake smile at him. This is why I immediately turn away when I see him. This is why when I saw him at the end of first period I immediately looked for my friend who I was going to walk with to our next class and pretend that I didn’t see him. (My friend and him supposedly have the same class) This is why when he jokingly hit me on the head with his folder I couldn’t say anything, I couldn’t even smile. This is why I just watched him walk out the door.

Because there she was waiting for him to walk beside him.

I can’t do this. I can’t keep ruining myself and tearing myself down wondering what I don’t have that she does. What does she have that won’t make him walk away from me and say goodbye? What does she have that makes him want to always be with her?

Wow, I sound like the worst person on the planet. This girl hasn’t even done anything to me yet whenever I see her…. I hate hating people. I always promote love and nothing but that.

What is wrong with me? What happened to me? What are all these stupid feelings?

Why can’t life be good?? I should be happy to see him because I never see him nowadays. I should smile and say hi and joke around for a few seconds. I shouldn’t feel intimidated I shouldn’t feel the need to hide and walk faster to class. I should be happy. Yet, I’m not.

All I’m doing is feeling things and letting my heart break repeatedly.

I can’t take it. My anxiety can’t take it. My heart can’t take it. My well-being can’t take it.

Piece of advice: Never fall for one of your friends. It’s hell.

«Music Friday»

She’s So Gone by Naomi Scott

Yes you are correct. This is a song from a Disney Channel movie lol. Don’t judge me. It’s a really good movie extra 10 points considering I really love music and the movie is focused on a band creating their music and figuring themselves out. It’s just a really good song that I like. I love the message in the song that… you can look for the girl that I was but she’s (so) gone because I’m not her anymore and will never be her again. This song just really makes me think of how much I’ve changed to become the person I am today.

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Mental Health Rant: Do They Care?

So a while ago, my Modern World Class got to be able to take this survey questionnaire thing. Our teacher told us that it was about health risks and mental behaviors.

And I thought, “Wow, they actually care?”

The test was formatted just like the PSAT’s where you had to bubble in letters on a scantron. I thought I was finally going to be able to freely state what my mental health was actually like without being afraid.

I mean the questionnaire would be anonymous. But, I thought that even though it’s anonymous I would be comfortable enough to tell the truth and not lie. I mean it would be so easy to lie being anonymous, but wanting to not lie is a really big step for me.

So, the test had 80 questions. It was targeted towards high school students and it was focused around things that we personally do. Most of the questions involved alcohol and drugs, and if we’ve ever taken or are taking them.

You know how many questions were about mental health, mental illnesses, mental disorders, mental anything…?

2 questions.

2.

Out of 80.

I mean yes, I get that alcohol and drugs are a huge problem for teenagers today but are those things more important than mental health? Is mental health not as important?

Now, a few weeks prior to taking this questionnaire I went to the doctor for a physical. I actually talked about this on my blog (anxiety rant: checking checkmarks). The doctor gave me a paper and on it were mental health questions, and I actually answered them honestly because I wanted help but I was/am too scared to ask for it verbally. I was so proud of myself for finally being able to want to seek help.

A month later, and nothing. No call home, no email. Nothing.

This is why I’m too scared to speak about my anxiety.

Does anyone even care? Does it matter as much as other things?

I mean 2 years ago (in that same doctor’s office again at a physical) as soon as I failed my eye exam it was an immediate call home… and now? Nothing.

I once read one of my favorite Bollywood actors, suffering from depression, say in an interview…

“When we are suffering from stomach or kidney problems, we are so cool and casual about it. Why (is it that) when we have a problem with (the) brain, which is also an organ, we get scared and feel as if it is our fault, and we need to hide it from people?”

And then the other day I was looking for a paragraph for my English class and I stumbled upon this: https://www.creativenonfiction.org/excerpt/scars/gutkind

In that article it states the same idea:

“…when her teenaged daughter came home from cancer treatment the family received casseroles and friendly visits and offers of support from neighbors and members of her church—but when that same daughter returned six months later from residential treatment for a mental illness, no one knocked on their door.”

Why? Why is there such a stigma around mental illness? Like it’s a disease? Like we’re an alien species? Why does society cut us out from being “normal?” Why can’t they understand that we DON’T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY?

Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve seen and heard the experience of the stigma around mental illness. It’s been in my life since then.

My mom has schizophrenia, depression, and is bipolar. I’ve seen EVERYONE blame her for what goes on in her mind. Even I used to before I grew up and understood it. I mean I never knew why my mom was happy one moment then shouting the next. Who was she shouting at? It was as if she was shouting at someone, but no one was there next to her. And how come some days she never got out of bed?

This was when I was a little girl. I’m 17 years old now and I happily know more than  I knew back then.

I used to see commercials for anti-depressants wondering why people needed pills to be happy, but I finally understand. I went from completely missing the point to being so adamant about it.

If I, a regular girl, could understand the depth of mental illness, why can’t everyone else do it too? Or at least try to?

And it definitely did not take me having my own mental illness to be aware of the true perception of mental illnesses.

I didn’t realize I had a mental illness until last March maybe (sophomore year). I started learning about my mom’s schizophrenia in 8th grade because… I just wanted to understand. From that moment, I learned and felt and understood. I changed my perspective.

And then I figured out that I had my own mental illness. Anxiety. I mean it doesn’t take a doctor or therapist to tell me what I have.

People were asking me “What’s wrong with you?” whenever I didn’t want to participate in social situations. Some people call themselves anti-social but they don’t even know the half of it when you’re stuck in a room full of strangers and they tell you to converse and find new people and you just physically, emotionally, and mentally cannot. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. This was just the way I am, the way I always was. Did I need a label for it? Apparently. I was overthinking things. I could barely breathe when my teacher told me to speak up in class. I worried about things constantly. I couldn’t get my heart to stop palpitating during an anxious situation. I was just drowning.

I remember being in the car with my mom, driving home from school. I just searched up the phrase “Anxiety disorder.”

And I thought, no this isn’t me.

But it was.

I just didn’t want to accept it, because then it would be real.

I would have a disorder, I would suffer from something mentally. This was the start of where I finally understood myself, but people wouldn’t, they wouldn’t even try.

I didn’t want to accept it because people have such a negative attitude to mental disorders. I mean people actually think that my mom is the way she is just to get on everyone’s bad side.

I wanted to fight people because of that. Yes, me, Rebecca, fight people. Because it was so annoying how people used to actually have the AUDACITY to complain to me about my mother, but I was too young to understand why my mother was the way that she is.

People have such a low opinion to those with mental disorders like we’re abnormal or something? Like we shouldn’t be given regular opportunities that “normal” people get.

But, that’s why I didn’t want to accept the fact that I had a mental disorder, but I did, I do. Because people wouldn’t understand me; the people that are inclined to love me wouldn’t understand, just like with my mom. But I had to stop lying to myself that I was suffering and drowning and falling and sinking.

I never thought that I would accept it. But I did, I have. And now? I need help.

I never thought that I would actually want help. Because at the beginning stage, the biggest worry about my anxiety (ironic?) was just accepting it. Once, I accepted it things would be better. Once I accepted it I could get to know my boundaries, I could get to know more about myself and the person I’m becoming. And I did learn those things. But, I never fathomed the fact that I couldn’t handle this by myself.

I never thought that help was something I needed to find a sense of sanity. I thought I could handle it. And I guess I convinced myself that I could for the first few months, but I can’t.

I had mental breakdowns and anxiety attacks before I even knew what mental breakdowns and anxiety attacks actually were. In the beginning stages I had one of the worst mental breakdowns I can ever recall: I was in a bathroom stall for a full hour crying and trying to breathe just because I couldn’t find anyone to sit with at church and I didn’t want to ask anyone if I could sit with them and that just gave me so much anxiety. I thought that my actions were unjustified. I thought that I was being a wimp and loser. I tore myself down. Because of that stupid stigma. I knew that if I even tried to explain this to my dad or my brother they wouldn’t even understand. They would just say, you should’ve just found someone to sit with, but I couldn’t. I can’t.

But I want to stop lying to myself. I can’t help myself. I want professional help. I need it. Just the other day my English teacher said we might have a mini presentation and my heart sank so fast and my anxiety started creeping in before I could even comprehend. The last 40 minutes of class couldn’t seem to go fast enough. Well, the teacher only picked 2 groups to present which fortunately wasn’t me. But unfortunately, the anxiety of that moment scarred me. This is how I’ll continue to react for the rest of my life. I don’t want that. I don’t want my anxiety attacks to depict my feelings and shut me out from the world.

I don’t want to suffer anymore.

I overthink everything humanly possible and it breaks me down to a point where I just want to go to sleep because then everything in my mind would stop running.

Going back around to the questionnaire and the doctor physical and the main point that I’ve strayed from (but happily strayed from because I really needed to get things off my chest)… Do they care? Do they even care?

When you read a story about someone committing suicide it’s just another article for some people. “Oh, they couldn’t handle it.”When people realize someone has a mental illness and they start acting weird towards that person. When the phrases, “mental illness, mental disorder, and mental health” and words depicting them are all forsaken, as if saying them is like a plague.

I want this to stop. I want to feel safe enough to say what I’m suffering from. It’s so easy to tell my friends that I have asthma, but I can’t be able to tell them that I have anxiety.

Why is this perception haunting me? Who created such a disgusting depiction of mental illnesses and disorders?

I just want someone to care more.

I just thought of this, but when I went to the doctor to fill in that mental health paper I realized that all that stuff was on a piece of paper. But when it came to stuff like asking me when I last went to the dentist, eye doctor, and how my sleeping and eating habits were it was all a conversation I had with my physician. How come the stuff I actually cared about had to be squandered to a mere piece of paper instead of being talked about?

«Music Friday»

Dangerously by Charlie Puth

I Can Only by JoJo ft. Alessia Cara

Too Little Too Late by JoJo

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