You’re reading that right.
So I don’t know if anyone’s noticed if I’ve been gone or if anyone remembers who I am. I’ve been gone longer than I… planned? expected? I never really planned or expected to actually be “gone.” I think the term “taking a break” would fit better.
Like I said I never really expected or planned to be gone or to take a break. But days just turned into weeks and then weeks turned into a month.
During the time that I left, I was going through some crappy feelings and I felt like I needed to sort that out. Because I didn’t just want to keep posting about some guy… I felt like that was… dumb? I just felt like the content of my blog would be downgraded if I talked about the same subject (Phoenix). And I know it’s my blog I should feel free to talk about whatever I want but it didn’t feel like that during the time that I left. It just felt like my job was to please people.
So I needed to take time away from posting, from the likes, from the follows, from everything. I needed to talk to my friends about him. I needed to not make my situation into a blog post because it didn’t help.
(If you’re interested in what did help this situation then, please keep reading.)
Because blogging didn’t help I thought that maybe I should stop making blog posts… Yes, I actually considered it. Because as weeks went by I didn’t really find myself wanting to go back to writing blog posts and I don’t know why… One of the reasons why I made a blog is because I wanted to get my feelings and thoughts out there and it helped. But if it couldn’t help me with Phoenix and that whole damn thing could it ever help me again? What was the point if writing out my feelings couldn’t help me anymore?
But then I forgot the other reason that I started this blog. Because it’s been like my diary. I wanted a place I could go to where I could remember everything that has happened to me and all I’ve been through. So hopefully one day in the future I can be like “Wow, I made it through.”
Today, I was scrolling through my old blog posts because I needed to find some poems to enter into this scholarship program and I found myself looking at all these stories and all these emotions and feelings and it’s. all. there.
Me. I’m here. I’m there. My feelings. My emotions. My thoughts. They’re all here. There are so many pieces of myself on this blog. Not only that but who I am is here in this blog. And I don’t think I can let hopelesslystrong go. I couldn’t give this up. I couldn’t let this go. I forgot how much I could say without feeling the need to hold back.
Plus I don’t think I would be able to make that goodbye post and say goodbye to those of you who have been there to always make me smile (I would probably ask you guys for another way of communication so we would be able to talk) But still it wouldn’t feel the same to say goodbye to hopelesslystrong.
So I’m trying this again. And hopefully, this will be a new beginning for hopelesslystrong. And I knowwww I feel like I should have a new theme or a new background or something. But I’m pretty happy with my background so no drastic changes to my site lol. Just a new start, mentally, for this blog. So… a lot has happened since I’ve been gone:
Hopelesslystrong turned 2 years old! I’m so proud of this blog and what it’s done, not only for me, but for what it has done for others (e.g. when people tell me that my posts teach them something new). Being gone has made me appreciate this blog more and I want to say thank you to every one of you who have kept me strong because I could never be here without you guys.
The whole Phoenix thing is resolved. We’re friends again. I had to let go of the “chapstick thing” No, trust me he’s a good guy. During that whole time, he wasn’t talking to me and I wasn’t talking to him I had a lot of doubts and the one question that bothered me so much was Did it even faze him that we weren’t talking? Well, he told me that when someone is quiet with him then he’s quiet too and loses focus… I know that might sound like some confusing shh-tuff (my attempt at trying not to curse) it was confusing to me too, but he’s a good friend. Yeah, friend. He’s not really a good person to fall for though. Even though my heart might beg to differ. I mean I don’t think you would want the person you’re falling for to say that they were losing focus over you and your friendship together. But other than that, we hung out together after school and it was honestly so nice. We went to this huge library and just talked. We talked about our lives, our pasts, our fears, anything and everything and it was so nice. We talked for maybe 4 or 5 hours. It was just nice to feel happy without overthinking about it. But trust me, I’m a football thrown into the friendzone.
I took the SAT!!!! And I survived it!!! I honestly don’t know how. I burned my brain the week beforehand studying and my eyebags has eyebags. I don’t know how I did but I feel okay about it. I did what I could and I’m okay with it. I’m just happy I survived (really thought I wouldn’t make it out alive… okay stop being overdramatic Rebecca… I’m sorry)
I have no idea about college applications. That sentence didn’t even make sense. All that sentence means is college apps = ew. That whole thing is on my shoulders and I’m trying to take a college credit class but I’m kind of on uneasy terms with my dad and he’s the one I have to talk to about taking the class. I asked him and he said he would think about it but he hasn’t told me anything. I’m on uneasy terms with him because he wants me to be a doctor but… no, thank you. I cannot be held responsible for someone else’s life and I hate being around sick people. I already have the worst immune system ever. I’m thinking of majoring in forensic science and having a minor in music because I can’t let go of my dream. I also have a bunch of anxiety thinking of asking my teachers for recommendation letters and going to my counselor to talk to him about this.
Andddd…. it’s the last week of school this week! And honestly, I’m really ecstatic and scared at the same time. Happy because yessssssss I very much want this stress to be over. Also, I might get my license over the summer but I’m so anxious to take the test. But scared because I don’t know how many of you read my posts during spring break but if you did you would know I had the worst spring break ever. I was so mentally broken down. Because I never got out of my house and I hated seeing these same four walls and I really don’t want that to be my summer. I don’t want to have a boring summer, that might seem like something overdramatic like who cares if you have a boring summer? It just mentally breaks me down being and doing the same thing over and over again. I’m also scared because of the friends I’ve made this year. I think you might know where this conversation is leading. Fake friends. I think I can pretty much tell the “friends” who are going to turn into fake friends. But actually being extremely close to the possibility that the people I’ve made as friends are going to leave me in the dust make it all so tiring.
I thought that if there was a possibility that this come-back post was, in fact, going to happen that I would be in a happy place. But I’m honestly not in a happy place. I’m stressed and tired and I want to just give up sometimes.
But then I remember the small amount of people who have always had my back. I remember all those other times I wanted to give up but didn’t and there’s a reason I didn’t. Because I’m curious. I’m curious as to what my future has in store for me. Yes, even though school is going to be over, college decision-making is still going to be on my back and that stresses me out to no end. But I’m taking it one day at a time. And I know that God won’t let me down. My faith isn’t something I want to doubt or let go of. I think I’ve done that too many times before in the past.
So that’s what’s been happening to me in the past month, how have all of you been? I honestly hope you’re doing good. I’ve missed you guys so much! Hopefully, with everything on my plate, I’ll still be able to make blog posts because nothing is better than the feeling of typing endlessly not having to hold back on anything.