friend rant: half-hearted.

Yes, this rant was triggered by a magazine.

So there’s this magazine we get and it’s a part of our church. It’s basically a religious magazine with stories about different churches in our area and different religious schools and what’s going on in them.

So one of my… I don’t really know how to refer to her anymore. Uhm, in middle school, I went to a private, religious school and we had our own friend group. It was the four of us, Luna, our other friend, Draco, and this friend… the one I’m going to talk about. I don’t really know if I should give her a pseudonym or not… It feels weird to give her one… But yeah it was the four of us through anything. In eighth grade, we realized how much we meant to each other because the next year we would be separated and in the big, bad, scary world of high school.

It was like I had three sisters.

Of course, our friend group went through stupid fights but we still managed to stick together.

When we did go to separate high schools, Luna and I going to the same one, Draco going to another public school, and this friend going to a boarding school in another state, we still managed to hang out here and there. We saw each other maybe once a year.

Then this friend said she was going to move the summer after sophomore year. She said that it wasn’t really a big deal because she barely saw us anyway due to the fact that she went to boarding school. But seeing that text of hers saying she was moving still hurt.

And it didn’t help that at the time, I was mad at her.

Because during this time, she was too busy to reply to any of my messages.

I understand that she’s a state away and her school has sucky wifi… but it still hurt.

It always hurts.

I used to talk to her about guys, go on rants about life, ask her how life was, shared songs with her, etc. There used to be a time where it would be weird if I didn’t talk to her for weeks… Now?

Then we all met up twice in the summer (summer after sophomore year) before she moved away. We started talking more that next school year, junior year. I told her about the new guy I liked, Phoenix and actually, she was one of the first people I told when I started getting feelings for him. I would always go to her about guy stuff. And I always loved her support because she was always there to listen, whether it was a boy rant or a song of mine.

She always told me how she could see me recording an album or a music video and I always loved her for it. She was my best friend since middle school and this was why.

But then… she got busy again.

And I again got mad at her.

But then, after a few months, she group-texted the three of us saying she was visiting in the summer (summer after junior year) and that we all should meet up.

I got petty for a second. I didn’t want to reply to the group text since I was mad at her. I was still going to hang out with all of them, I just didn’t respond to the messages. Then she, individually, texted me asking me if I was going… and she replied to the messages I sent her 3 months prior. I got petty and mad at her for that. But I didn’t want that anger to overtake me when I saw her… I mean I didn’t see her or Draco in a year. My pettiness could take a seat.

She was only staying for a week and we only got to hang out for one day then she had to go back home… which wasn’t in the same state, I had to remind myself. After the hangout, we texted each other a little bit. Then we stopped again. Then I showed her a song and we started a little conversation. Then she got busy again.

It was the same cycle.

But we had each other’s Instagram and that was our only constant with each other. I would like her pictures, she would like mine. And that was our friendship. She didn’t respond to my texts but she liked my pictures.

Ahh… this digital age of technology. Makes us teenagers antsy and petty.

And that’s how it’s been up until now, we don’t talk that much. I don’t even know how she’s doing and vice versa. It’s funny, I used to tell her all about my life and I just don’t anymore. It just happened. I know how it happened but sometimes it’s like bam, the miscommunication just happened out of nowhere. We both just went on with our lives, I guess.

So, let’s go back to the magazine. This friend’s boarding school is always featured in the magazine. Even though the boarding school is in another state, it’s a part of this magazine because it’s a part of the same religious and church system. I always thought one day there would be a picture of her but there never was. So I stopped looking.

Then, one day my mom comes into my room and is like, “Look who I found! Look who’s here!” And in that magazine, on the page my mom folded to show me, was her. My friend. The same one I haven’t talked to since July. As soon as I saw her face, it felt foreign. I didn’t really smile. It felt fake to smile knowing how our friendship stands. I just stared at it and my mom left the magazine with me to let me read the article.

So, apparently, she got her own page in the magazine and wrote a column. I took a picture and sent it to Luna and Draco. But I didn’t read it before sending it.

She wrote about friendship and how she found it at her boarding school. I didn’t think much of it because I found some really good friends in high school too… but then she said something specific that really hurt:

“If you had asked me what friendship was, I am quite sure I would have replied half-heartedly, because, before attending (her boarding school), I only knew half-hearted friendship.”

Half-hearted friendship.

Luna replied back saying, “WHAT OUR FRIENDSHIP WAS HALF HEARTED?” And Draco didn’t reply but I’m going to ask her about it when I see her next week.

It hurt.

Damn, it hurt so much.

Because when I was going into my holes, back before I knew that I had anxiety, that whole friendship, the 4 of us, that was one of the things that made me feel loved. Made me feel okay. When I felt alone in high school, I still had them and that made it all better.

But she says the friendship was just half-hearted.

Maybe she didn’t think I would see it. I mean why would she? I didn’t even know I would see it. But I did… and she still wrote it.

Whether the 3 of us would see it or not doesn’t really matter.

If she said it, she said it.

I’m not mad at her. I don’t really get mad at her anymore. It just is what it is.

No, friendships don’t last forever. But this was one of those I thought that would. She was there in some of my highs and lows. She understood when no one else did.

And we barely know each other now.

And the knife is pretty twisted into the heart.

She used to be one of my best friends… now, I don’t know.

Before reading that article I was thinking about our friendship and I didn’t know.

The magazine was like the final burn of a cut.

This is just how life is.

Some things don’t last forever.

And that’s okay.

Because sometimes, the best things come back to us.

And if they don’t,

it’s not what was best for our lives.

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anxiety doesn’t stop with family.

Another event I didn’t know of.

This past Saturday there was another planned family event that no one told me about. It was my uncle’s engagement party. But he’s not that old he’s only 28 or near that age.

When my dad told me about the party I kind of didn’t want to go. I love my family but I’m always the odd one out and I never feel like I fit in because all of my cousins are older and I never know what to say to them. Anxiety doesn’t stop with family…

Actually, this is the environment I got my “shy” label from. This side of the family always saw me as quiet. But I was only like 7 when they gave me a label, they never even gave me a chance. Now, that label is over my head whenever they see me.

This is one of the reasons I didn’t wanna go. They never give me a chance. And I’m always gonna be a shy, little girl in their eyes.

As I said before, I love my family, but this was one of the worst nights of my life. I had SO much anxiety. I felt so uncomfortable and out of place. I felt like a stranger in my own family.

An actual stranger. One of my aunts had a baby that I didn’t even know about. And the uncle who was getting engaged? He has a brother and his brother is already married and has a kid. I didn’t even know this.

I thought the idea that no one told me anything was me being a lil dramatic but no. No one really tells me anything.

My anxiety was so off the charts, I don’t know how I didn’t break in the middle of the party. The only thing I ever did was sit at a table and conversate with some aunts and uncles who sat at the table but not much.

Maybe you’re wondering how I could just sit at a table while I was in a room of my extended family. I don’t know either. My anxiety is just… I don’t know. I honestly don’t understand how people can socialize. I had no idea what to say to anyone, what was I gonna talk about with people? I don’t know how to go up to someone and start a conversation. What would I even say to my middle-aged cousins? I don’t see my extended family that much, only at holidays… so I’m not really close to anyone. I didn’t know what to say.

It even feels weird typing it because honestly… What the hell is wrong with me? How can I not socialize with my own family?

I don’t know. How many times am I going to say that?

I just felt so out of the equation.

The uncle who was getting engaged? He came up from behind me and instead of a “Hi” or greeting or whatever he said, “Hey, instead of no-cializing, can you do me a favor? Can you take a picture?”

It was horrible. I knew I didn’t belong there. Even though my blood technically belonged there (because blood relatives) my body and my being were not meant to be there.

I remember I saw one of my cousins and she said “Hi” but the way she said it… she didn’t even say my family pet name or any name at all. She just said hi like I was a customer who walked into a store. And this cousin has known me since the moment I was born.

I always thought when I grew up with these great, at the moment, people around me they would be there to comfort me, to teach me things, to be a phone call away. When I was young, they paid attention. They cared more. But now that I’m a teenager? They don’t really care at all.

Or maybe that’s not true.

I think there might be some repressed memories I’m choosing to forget.

Because there’s one memory I remember that broke my heart back then and breaks it now.

It was Christmas and I was like prepubescent young maybe 8 or 9. Everyone gathered to take pictures: the young people of the family cousins, young uncles and aunts. And you know everyone was gathered to take the picture and everyone was standing and posing and then one uncle is like “Wait you guys forgot about Sisy!” (my pet name, short for sister. My bro gave it to me) It was the worst feeling in the world. I was literally forgotten and I was sitting right there. And then I got in the picture but it was like a pity picture.

And you know? They did that same exact thing the other day.

All the female cousins were gathered to take a picture. At first, I didn’t realize they were taking a picture then an aunt tapped me on the shoulder and enthusiastically said: “Sisy, go get in the picture!” But this aunt was the only one who noticed, none of the people posing for the picture could’ve cared less. And my aunt (the same one who told me to get in the picture) I think she felt a little bad for me because no one asked me to get in. But like I said before, no one posing cared less. So my aunt had to make the excuse that “Oh you’re not the cousin, right?” (in a nice, sympathetic way, I love this aunt) Because technically my mom was the cousin (she wasn’t in the picture either).

They did it to me in the past, they did it now. 

As soon as we left, I got in the car and cried silent tears because this is my life. I didn’t fit in when I was a kid, I didn’t fit in now.

I don’t understand. Sometimes I don’t understand why I’m still here. How I’m still here. I can never picture myself not having anxiety, in general, but also with this family. How am I going to act when I get married or something? Will my husband’s family even like me? How can I even be okay with the term “extended family” when I’m as anxious as I am?

I know I’m reaching wayyy into the future. I’m only seventeen. But this is what I think about. I can’t see myself changing.

I can’t see things changing for me.

Do you ever wonder if your family really loves you or if it’s just forced? I know my mom, dad, and (let’s be honest, sometimes) my brother loves me. But what about those who don’t know anything about me and vice versa? The ones who have drifted apart with time and hardships?

Does their love come from the heart? Or does it come from the blood?

Do they even like seeing me?

What is wrong with me? Why doesn’t anxiety stop with family?

The only difference from the past and the present is the knowledge of my anxiety. When I used to feel uncomfortable like this, I never knew what it was. But the worst part is, my family doesn’t know what it is.

They think I’m just like this because I’m a teenager with angst and unsociable means. When literally the idea of social interaction makes me feel physically, emotionally, and mentally uncomfortable.

Trust me, knowing that I have anxiety has made my life make more sense. But it has not made anything easier.

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my two good days.

This school week was honestly okay. I might even say it was good.

Of course, work-wise: School was a pain. College transcript request forms were due this week and I had to lockdown, for sure, my college choices. And my classes are all going through the information fast, especially my two AP classes. It feels like it’s May when teachers just need the info to absorb into our brains. But it’s only September (Guyssss, October is tomorrow, can you believe that?).

But I had two really good days. Filled with happiness and away from anxiety.

The first day was this past Thursday. It was “senior Unity Day.” Basically, senior unity day is the day seniors take a field trip to this farm and just have a fun time with your friends eating food, play games, etc.

Honestly, I didn’t think I was going to go to senior unit day but my best friend convinced me. Also, the night before I was doubtful and afraid to be excited… because I mean it’s my life. I’m so scared to be happy because I don’t want it to be taken away. How do I not think of it like that?

But I actually had a really good time. I have friends. I didn’t even realize it. I have a group of friends. My friends and my friend’s friends and we all spent the day together. We ate lunch and went on a zip line together. We went on this playground and took lots of pictures. We laughed and smiled.

To be honest, we didn’t get to do that much. Because there was a time limit, the line for the zip line itself was a 30-minute wait. By the time we got there it was almost close to 11 and we left at around 1:30.

So here are the details of that day…

I hung out with a lot of friends but I hung out with my best friend and one of my friends I got close with junior year. We all laughed a bunch. At the start, we all got soda and clinked our glasses making a toast.

Then we got food and it wasn’t thatttttt great. But it was food. My friend got a burger and I got a hot dog so we both would be able to share in case we didn’t want the one thing but didn’t wanna get both. My best friend is h.o.r.r.i.f.i.e.d. by bees. And it’s like the bee knew. Because it only went near her food. Guys, it literally only went in her cup and started drinking her lemonade… my best friend was literally done at this point. She just walked away from the bee lol.

Then my friend and I needed to pee. At first, we thought the bathrooms were port-o-potties so we went to where they were. But they were all locked and we were so confused. Turns out, the bathrooms were actual bathrooms in the dining area part and we concluded that we were dumb.

Then we went in line for the zip line. It was a longggg wait but it was nice catching up with my friend. I was very scared to go to the zip line. It’s like the feeling of going on a rollercoaster. Except I hate rollercoasters and I’ve only been on a zip line once and I loved it. These jerks got in front of us while my friends and I were talking to each other so we just ya knowww did the same and got in front of them and they went out of the line *high-fives each other like bosses* Then we got closer and closer and it got scarier. My friend and I were holding hands until they had to put the equipment on us. The moment I stepped up the ledge to be hooked onto the rope I was scared. The moment I had to step off I was hella scared. But it was so nice once I dropped off. It was like the calmness and serenity that you want every day. Just looking down and seeing life pass by is so serene and amazing. But unfortunately, it didn’t last long. But it was still fun.

Then my friends and I just hung out and the day was over. My face hurt so much from smiling and my throat hurt from yelling and talking so much. Imagine if I didn’t go, I would literally have avoided one of the happiest days of my life. Because this really was a happy day of my life. I never felt like a label. I never felt like the odd one out. I never felt anxious (aside from the zip line but even that was okay because my friends were there to comfort me). I never felt outside the circle. I felt okay. I felt… I was happy. It was a really good day.

The next day, Friday was a good day too. It was my best friend and another friend’s birthday. The other friend wanted to go downtown and watch “It” that scary movie with the clown. I questioned why she wanted to see that on her birthday and she said it would be balanced out because afterward, we would watch a happy movie. That was her solution fixing the scary with the happy lol. My friend was the only one who wanted to see it, the rest of us were all cautious but went anyway.

We took a bus downtown from school and then we went to go eat. It was nice having a conversation and again, it wasn’t awkward for me. I didn’t get anxiety. I felt okay.

We went to the movie theater. So only 3 of us out of maybe 7 or 8 of us got to see “It.” Because most of the girls didn’t bring their photo ID’s and you need to be seventeen in order to see it. (That pun/play on word tho, it’s greatttt) We were all seventeen but they just didn’t have their ID’s. They had a plan to sneak in. But there was this security guard who was very suspicious from the jump. I didn’t like him. He heard some construction workers laughing and he immediately ran to see what was going on with a straight face, holding his flashlight like a weapon. Then he asked to see our tickets and he was like “I saw you two walking one way so I’m questioning you about your tickets.” Literally, we were five feet away from the vendor guy and we were the only ones there.

I honestly don’t know what happened to the plan but it only came down to three of us. I was okay with it. Except for the fact that this movie was everywhere on social media with everyone scared regardless. I was so scared to see it. I’m a wimp in haunted houses, I get scared easily. When I first started watching Pretty Little Liars and Criminal Minds I got nightmares. So this was… it was like the boss level of it all. I honestly thought I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. But my resolve, guys! I’m actually so proud of myself.

I, Rebecca, survived a scary movie.

It honestly wasn’t even scary. I thought I would avert my eyes through it all but it wasn’t scary. It was just cringey and disturbing, the middle school relationships and the whole school scenario made me want to throw up… those kids were a piece of work especially that kid who was a borderline psychopath. I wanted the clown to take him.

Okay, the clown. That’s another story. Like what the heck dude. In one scene, it just danced and it looked like a joke. It was like I was watching a meme. That clown was creepy. I’m glad I never liked clowns.

But overall, going to see a movie with friends was really nice. I had a really fun time. We laughed a lot during the movie and talked through it (but no obnoxiously).

And that was my two good days. It’s pretty much due to the fact that I’m warming up to these friends who I was kinda awkward with at the beginning. But I’m getting able to know them and their personalities.

I honestly don’t know where this is going but I feel like I’m finally being able to be an acual senior. But like I am, I’m always scared of happy. I’m scared to have complete happiness because that has never existed for me.

I don’t know where this is going to go but all I know is that I had a really good 2 days.

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boy rant: i am not a convinience.

What can I say?

How do I say it?

Life happened.

The universe wants to kick me around.

The book doesn’t want this chapter to end.

I don’t know.

All I know is that seeing him after a month of not talking to him affected me.

And a lot has happened in 2 and a half weeks.

Do you want me to catch you up?

Ok hold on because this is a damn rollercoaster ride… but I assure you, it will be over soon.

Yes, this is about Phoenix. Honestly, what isn’t nowadays?

Let’s begin.

It’s the second day of school. I didn’t see him at all on the first day. Honestly? I felt sad about that because I wanted to see him. I wanted him to see me. There was even a part of me that wanted him in one of my classes… and guess what? That actually happened.

But sometimes the things you want aren’t actually what you need.

He was in my precalculus class. This is second period. But it was the first period of the second day because our school alternates periods. When he walked in… it was like everything inside of me froze. I didn’t really realize what was happening until it was happening that yes… he was actually sitting there. And guess where he sat? Two head spaces in front of me. I didn’t want him to know I was there but then again I did. I don’t know… he turned around once to look at everyone and it’s weird because if he saw me he would’ve said something, the class was kinda small. I don’t really know what happened but I’m glad he didn’t say anything that day.

One of my friends was in that class but I didn’t sit next to her because the seat next to her was taken. But at the end of class, she saw me and we had a conversation which saved me from any confrontation from him. Thank goodness. But of course, my overthinking was all over the place because I would have a class with him for the rest of the semester.

Then the next time we had precalculus, I sat next to my friend. And another one of my friends was there and she was sitting in front. So it was nice to have the two of them there. He came in late and he hardly ever turned around. But apparently our school had a fire drill, but our classroom was in this portable away from the school because there are too many students in our school. We never heard the fire drill sound. The sound was supposed to come over the intercom that was connected to the portable but it never sounded. So our teacher had our own “class” fire drill. He called everyone’s names and when the teacher called my name… Phoenix turned around to look at me. But I just avoided his look and talked to my friend. But it didn’t last forever. In order to get out the portable, to walk to the field for the “fire drill” I had to walk past him because his seat was in the direction of the door. And I don’t know why, but he didn’t leave. All the people in his row left, but he just kept standing behind his desk. So it would’ve been very awkward to just pass by him. So when I walked to the door I turned and looked at him and he was smiling at me. I see that he was ready to say something to me, he would’ve probably said something about me not saying anything to him because it looked like he was ready to joke around with me. But I wasn’t having it. I just “smiled” back at him and left to the field. Then at the end of class, he said, “See you next class” with a smile. I don’t know why I was expecting him to say more or anything. Maybe we could walk back to school together? No.

I expected too much when I was head over heels for him, I expected too much now. 

But it pissed me off. We hadn’t talked for a month. A month. And he doesn’t know that anything is wrong? Did he even notice I’ve been gone and haven’t been talking to him? Did he even care? No. Because every day of that month I waited. I waited for some indication that he cared and there was none. None. Nothing. So what now? Is he just supposed to care now? Now that I’m in his class and we see each other? How can someone be so oblivious? But of course, I knew he wouldn’t think twice about my reactions: I never even said a word to him… I just smiled. He would just think I’m being “shy.”

The weekend goes by and our next class together is Tuesday. Unbeknownst to him but knownst (? Lol) to me. Because I got a schedule change.

Trust me, his presence was affecting me but I didn’t switch my schedule because of him… but it’s a damn good factor. I took a single period of AP Biology instead of a double period and it turned out to be a big NO. Single period AP Bio is mostly individual work. The teacher never even started class until 10 minutes in. You do most of the teaching to yourself. So I was like “Nope I’m out” because I always procrastinate. I literally studied the first chapter all in one night. So I had to go to my counselor to get a schedule change. The only available periods were 1 and 2, or 3 and 4. I already didn’t like my 1st period, chorus, because I have no friends and the friend I do have had sooo many friends. Plus I can’t even hear myself singing in chorus and I don’t think singing in a group is for me. I didn’t care about my 3rd period either way. But my 4th period… one of my real friends was in that class and I didn’t wanna lose her. So it was either losing her or losing him. I didn’t think twice about it. Okay, I did because of my overthinking… but it wasn’t a hard decision. Also, the friend in my 4th period… let’s call her Lyra, was also in that period 1 and 2 class. And my best friend told me that Phoenix was n her double AP Bio class for periods 3 and 4 so again it was between Lyra or Phoenix.

I ended up switching to 1 and 2 AP Bio meaning I wouldn’t see him anymore because the class period we had together was during 2nd period.

I questioned life at this point. Like really? What even was the point of that? Was he just in my class for it to be taken away? OR did that whole thing happen for me to want to see him and then WANT to have that opportunity be taken away? I don’t know. Either way, it was going to be my last class with him.

To be honest? I was prepared. I wanted to not see him anymore. Because I knew that I would be nice to him and forgive him along the way and I knew I wasn’t okay with that.

It was a Tuesday. He came in late again. Nothing really happened. But at the end of class, he again took a long time to pack up and leave and remember how the door was near him? Yeah. So I had to pass by him. I even parted my hair to the side to avoid his eye contact… lol I know, it was a dumb move. He said “Hi Rebecca” and this literally broke my heart. Not because of what you think. He smiled. The smile I fell for. And I smiled back. But that’s what broke me. My smile. My own smile broke me. Because I knew deep down it hurt to smile back at him. I knew it wasn’t a real smile. I could see he was going to say more but I had to leave. So I just turned, smiled, and left. It broke my heart, yes, but switching my schedule comforted me. Because all he was going to give me was a “hello.” And I needed more than a hello. The schedule change is what I needed.

But I guess he sensed something was wrong or something? Since I just smiled and left. Because later that night, he texted me.

I made a kik for one of my friends in order for her to talk to me. And I guess he still has my phone number even though I deleted his. Because kik can sync your contacts and the day I made one I see that someone added me. And I didn’t know how kik worked and I was curious who it was so I accepted the chat later realizing that it was him. But he didn’t talk to me the day I made it. So that Tuesday, I changed my profile picture and he sends me “You looking at the height requirement for the rollercoaster ride?” He always makes jokes about my height. I don’t want to sound egotistical or anything but I looked GOOD in this picture lol. I didn’t want to say anything to him but the sass in me wouldn’t let that go. So I said, talking about his profile picture, “You stuck in a maze trying to find good jokes?” Because the picture he had showed the back side of his body (that’s why I didn’t really recognize him when he added me) walking who knows where and it looked like a maze.

Afterwards, I decided my responses would be distant. I just couldn’t let him make fun of my height without coming for his life. Then he says a string of short jokes and I just say “Ok.” This is where things turn frustrating. He then asks me “Are you upset?” But he was only talking about the short jokes not like he cares about my real life. I tell him “Because of your short jokes? Lol no.” And he says “Good. You’ve grown!” And I tell him “Your jokes have to be good for them to hurt.”

And then all of a sudden he switches up the conversation? He then asks me “How’s school?” Where is he going with this? Since when does he care? He doesn’t. I just say stressful. He asks me what’s stressful about it and I just say “It’s school, everything’s stressful.” This is the day we had the same class together. Because neither of us responds in 10 minutes or less. I would, but he doesn’t deserve that. So our conversation spread out over a few days.

Honestly, I didn’t think he would notice I wasn’t in class because he doesn’t turn around. But he asked me, “Did you miss school or did you skip?” I tell him, “No I had a schedule change.”I think the teacher called out my name in class because my friend from the class told me that the teacher “missed me” and was like “Where’s Rebecca?” lol. Phoenix asks me “Was my presence that unwelcoming?” And I said “Yep, very”

The other day I saw him in the hallway and this was during the texting. I try to avoid him but this was after the late bell rang so the hallways weren’t crowded. He says hi and I just look at him and smile. It’s so awkward. Because here I am texting him but I’m not able to say anything to him in person. I don’t even like virtual him. But he won’t think twice about it because he loses focus.

I started to do that thing again. Back when I was used to him texting him daily and I would check my phone just to see if he texted me back yet. I DON’T EVEN WANT TO DO THAT. Because our conversation is literally nothing. But this time, whenever I turn on my phone to look at the time or anything my mind is always like, “Did he text back? Did he text back?” I just needed him to go away. But I know deep down, I didn’t want that.

Not having a class with him anymore was supposed to be the end. Why. Is. This. Damn. Chapter. Still. Going. On? 

I really hated giving him one-word replies. I thought that I would be able to handle it or control it but… nope. I lost my resolve. But that’s later in the story.

At this point, I don’t know if he still has a girlfriend. Or if he ever even got one in the summer. But it doesn’t matter if he does or doesn’t… he still broke my heart. The “girlfriend” was just the breaking point.

So our conversation on kik wasn’t anything. You know how I said I was starting to get used to him texting me back? Well the last thing I sent him was “Yep” and he hadn’t responded to it yet. Because believe it or not, he was replying faster than me. But a day passed and he still didn’t reply.

Then I see that he posted something on his snapchat story and he said, “Almost got pulled over today.” I really wanted to tell him “I told you so.” Because he drives without a permit sometimes and I told him not to. I didn’t really see responding to his story as a “bid deal.” But looking back, I shouldn’t have. But it hurt. It hurt again when he didn’t respond to my kik yet even though, what was he going to say to a simple yep?

I got caught in again.

I responded to his story saying, “Almost should be deleted.” Apparently, his story was apart of this game like “You shouldn’t have responded to my story now you’re in the game and you have to put one of these on your story…” It gave a list of options from 1 to 10. For example, 1 was “I got pulled over.” 2 was “I broke up with him/her.” Etc. I didn’t do it because it’s really dumb. I told him I like 6 (“I’m gonna fight him tomorrow”) and 8 (“I’m so done with him”). He says, “Did I ask you what your favorite number was or something?” That really pissed me off. Because really? I don’t care if you don’t wanna hear it, I’m gonna say what I want. So I say, “Do I care whether you asked or not? I’ll say what I want.”

We have like three conversations at once but they were short. I didn’t want to say too much. After a text back he says, “I’m in the middle of your two favorite numbers.” In between 6 and 8 is 7, right? We got our math straight, right? Lol. So I looked up and saw what 7 was and it said, “We’re finally dating.” Of course, I didn’t think anything of this but my heart did. But my heart knew deep down that he meant nothing out of that. He just said it to say it and that pissed me off knowing that he can just play with my feelings not even caring that it actually has an effect. To that, I say, “Your ego is too big. You would be dating yourself.” He said, “I am dating myself. I didn’t find anyone compatible.” That. Hurt. 

He didn’t find anyone compatible? What about for the past few months and what we had? I literally listened to him and was there for him when I let him rant for one hour about a fake friend. I opened up to him and he did the same and so many other things and he says he couldn’t find anyone compatible? But I put down the hurt in the moment.

I didn’t tell any of my friends about him texting me again because honestly? Our conversation wasn’t really anything. Only one of my friends knew. Then I told Lyra who’s also friends with him. The same day I told her, she put me on her snapchat story and she told me he responded to the story about me. The next day on a Tuesday, she showed me the conversation. He asked her, “You two have the same class together?” He didn’t know I had a class with her when I switched. They had a short conversation then she brought the conversation back to me for some reason. She asked, “You still talk to her (me)?” Even though she already knew the answer. He says “Talk like what exactly?” She was like “Talk like friends? Unless you mean something else. Is there something else?” She sent him like four questions/messages about it but he only responded to one of the messages.

Up until this point, I was so mad at him that literally anything involving him made me mad and reminded of how he treated me during the summer. How he didn’t give two shits about me. And never showed me that he cared that I was gone or even noticed.

But this momemt changes that all: He sends Lyra “Nah she got somebody.” Meaning he thought I had somebody. But I have nobody. That was funny to me because helloooo it’s me. But I. Don’t. Know. Why. This gave my heart hope. Maybe because he didn’t say “Nah I don’t see her in that way” but he didn’t say that he did either. He just thought I had someone.

But that day my heart was so hopeful and for a second I went back to Junior Rebecca finding hope in signs again. Does he like me? Lyra assured him that I had no one and he said, “Lmao what are you the love doctor or something?” And is it weird that after he got those messages from Lyra he responded to my messages that I thought he would leave on read?

My heart was all over the place and I don’t know why. All he talks about are short jokes. All the damn time. I don’t mind short jokes but for that to be all that’s left? Then he said “Your height hurts me.” I asked him why. He says, “Your words never match up to your height” because I’m sassy all the time I guess. So I say “Idk maybe if you stop coming for my height I would be nice to you.” He asks, “So if I’m nice you’ll be nice?” I say, “Idk. We’ll see.”

And then he reverted back to the good morning’s and the how’d you sleep? He sent this at 6 am so he just woke up or something. THIS is the “him” I fell for. The him I wanted back. The one I’ve been waiting for. But… it doesn’t seem real. I don’t know why. It is real, but it isn’t. I told one of my friends this, it’s like a daydream when you know everything’s not real but you don’t care either way. But really, what’s happening? The past is legit repeating itself. How can he just do that? Like nothing happened in the past month…? Well according to him nothing did happen.

But his tone is just different. He doesn’t sound like he used to when he said good morning. I asked him “Are you being fake?” and he said “No I wasn’t” But it just seems like it is. It’s like life is giving me the guy I want back but again he’s not.

One of my friends told me I can either do two things: Slowly stop talking to him gradually or tell him the truth. I can’t act like nothing’s happened and revert back to how things were last year. I don’t want the cycle to repeat itself because I KNOW he’s just going to do something that hurts me in the future. The future? Please, he’s hurting me now.

But I keep having this feeling where I can feel like the truth is gonna come out, sooner or later. I think I’m going to tell him the truth. Whether he cares or not. Because if I continue this conversation like nothing has happened I’m lying to myself telling her that I can handle it if we’re just friends. When I know that’s such a lie.

After our second hang out, I remember complaining to my friends about it telling them I’m so deep in the friendzone. Lyra was like, “Do you want to tell him?” But I know I didn’t want to tell him. Because I didn’t want to ruin such a good friendship and freak him out. But now? It’s like I already lost him. Freaking him out, I don’t even care if I do anymore. Because whoever that good friend was is gone.

Seeing him in person has definitely affected me. He’s still aesthetically pleasing to my eyes and whenever he smiles… it’s not the same feeling I used to drown in but it’s still something I get in my heart. But if I saw him for a long time, like when we were in the same class, all I could think towards him was “I hate you.” But if I see him in the hallway I would break. But I haven’t seen him at all in the past week so that’s good, right?

Him saying stuff like “I’m between your two favorite numbers” and “She got somebody” pulled me back in. That’s the kind of stuff that gave me hope in the impossible in the past and I can’t keep waiting around. I won’t. I’m not going to wait around hoping that one day he’s going to say he likes me. That’s not fair to myself.

I know if I let him in again (which I haven’t done yet) I’m gonna LET HIM IN and I can’t do that because he is 100% gonna hurt me.

I sort of made Lyra meddle into the whole situation. I thought her meddling would fix the problem and prove whether he likes me or not. But that isn’t fair to her to figure this bs out.

Even if she does meddle how do I know that, if he does like me, he only does because Lyra told him I have no one?

I don’t want him to like me because it’s convenient for him.

If he likes me he should tell me. Not say some stuff that sounds like he could possibly like me.

Lyra told me, “I think overall he’s just being playfully flirtatious. Which is what a lot of guys seem to do these days. And I don’t know why it took me so long to see it.” We both didn’t see it because we both thought he was being genuine. He just plays around flirtatiously with his friends. And that’s all that is to it.

I’m contemplating whether I should tell him the truth or not. And by this, I mean the whole truth. But being like he is, he opened my messages and left them on read and it’s been 24 hours. I don’t want to say he left me on read because sometimes I think he does that but he responds later. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want him to respond. Because once he does respond, things are going to change. Plus, if he doesn’t respond this just proves the person that he is. Always leaving me on read wondering what I did wrong like I even did something wrong. I didn’t. I never did. I was such a good friend to him. I tamped down my feelings because I cared about him. I cared about him. So much. I wished him happy birthday when he disregarded my messages. I let him go on and on about soccer and even said I would go to one of his games when I don’t even like sports. I would’ve done so much for him. I did do so much.

But he never did enough. And I deserve better.

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“so… you don’t talk and you don’t eat?”

And he thought this was funny…

So today my cousin had a housewarming party for the extended family and there were maybe 30 people who came.

I didn’t know about it until this very morning… but it was nice.

This past week was the third anniversary of my great-aunt’s death and her death really affected me. I never really understood the feeling of someone you love who’s gone until she died. Because before this, I was too young to understand. She had three daughters and two of the daughters and their families live in another city. I haven’t seen them in THREE YEARS, the same amount of time my great-aunt has been gone. I guess there were some bad ties between the family since the death… I don’t know no one tells me anything. (Let’s go back to the fact that I didn’t even know of this housewarming party until this morning) The whole “beef” (yes, beef. Lol I don’t know any other word that outmatches that) thing I guess created the distance in our whole extended family. But I guess everything is forgiven now?

Their kids though. Like when I last saw those kids, they were all so small… smaller than me. Now, they’re all tall and stuff. They even intimidated me. But my one cousin who is one of the ones I haven’t seen was really nice. He hugged me as soon as he walked in. TIME REALLY DOES CHANGE YOU. Most of those kids were unrecognizable. I still can’t put a face to the youngest sister because SHE’S ALL GROWN UP. My cousins were there and they hugged me and made small talk.

And the food. Yes, the food deserves its own section. Because I was hungry and I didn’t eat any breakfast between going to church and going to the party. It was a great feeling once it was time to eat.

I haven’t been with this same family (my mom’s side) since like December. It was nice. I’m not gonna lie, there were deep moments of anxiety (because no, it really doesn’t stop when you’re with loved ones) but it was a balance.

But something that made me feel horrible?

There was this Indian elder who I didn’t know. I don’t think he was a family member, maybe just a family friend.

So when I was getting food, he was behind me in the line. I. Was. Getting. Food. And he says “Do you usually not talk a lot?” I was getting food, man. Who and why would  I be talking when I’m getting food? And it’s not like he was starting a conversation with me, he came out of nowhere saying that to me. I didn’t even realize he was next to me until he said something. I’m thinking about my food, okay? I haven’t eaten anything all day. Please, leave me alone.

I agreed, saying I don’t talk a lot. Because I don’t, I guess. Hi, social anxiety. He laughed at that? I didn’t find it funny.

Then I’m eating my food and everyone’s outside on the porch. I didn’t even realize I was sitting next to the same person… I was too mesmerized by the food. Then as this elder gets up to throw away his food he says, and I quote,

“So… you don’t talk and you don’t eat?”

Excuse me?

He was literally sitting next to me, could have been watching the food transport from mah fork to mah mouth. And he thinks it’s his place to say that? Did. You. Not. See. Me. Put. The. Food. In. My. Mouth? Since he was commenting on it, he should have seen it. AND when he sad that my plate was halfway empty/full (is the cup half full or empty? hmm) BUT I WAS STILL EATING. 

And trust me, I have been bothered with these fucking stereotypes and generalizations all my damn life.

I get it, I’m quiet. I know why now, right? And when I was younger, I was as skinny as a twig, but I don’t look that way anymore. I like my body now. Finally.

But as a kid, these two things were always brought up in conversation with my extended family. No, they didn’t wanna talk about school, life, my damn well-being. They wanted to know why I was so skinny.

There were times I didn’t even want to go out to these family parties because I didn’t want to be looked at like a label anymore. That’s how much it affected and wrecked me.

This is “regular” for Indians. I’m not sure about other families… but for Indians, they’re all up in your business and they don’t care if they hurt you or not. They say what’s on their mind without thinking twice about it. Without thinking that saying stuff like that actually hurts.

Like I don’t already look in the mirror trying to find beauty in my petite stature which never seems to change no matter how much I eat.

Or I don’t already silently die inside anytime my anxiety comes into play and social interaction makes me feel physically, emotionally, and mentally uncomfortable.

What did I do when he said that?

As soon as he said “So” I knew it was going to make me mad.

As soon as he said what he said I didn’t smile or laugh I just looked down and he laughed. I did not laugh at all. I didn’t find it funny. It wasn’t. I don’t get what he found funny the first time or second. Usually, I just have to brush it aside when it comes to stuff like this because why would I want to make a scene in front of everyone? I wouldn’t. But as soon as he said that I wanted to retaliate. I wanted to say “Did you not see me eat?” or “That’s really not funny.” Or I wanted someone to hear him and not think it’s okay. But I knew that if someone heard it they wouldn’t stand up for me, they would just agree with him.

Trust me, I don’t like talking about adults like this. But he crossed a line. A line I thought I was over.

It took me a long time to accept myself for who I am. To actually look in the mirror and love myself. Because I KNEW no one would completely stop making comments about my weight or “quietness.” Knowing that I had to accept myself and move on stronger.

So far, so good. It hasn’t been a problem for a few years. But there are moments when times like these are like old triggers and I go back to the little girl I was.

So confused as to why being quiet was seen as weird and why everyone was talking about my weight.

And I can never stand up for myself because if I did I would be seen as the “child” who doesn’t know any better. Plus, I would probably cry making my point.

It’s just not fair. Why do they always have to pick on me like I need a label?

Do I have to apologize for the person I am? No.

I eat. I am healthy. I love food, in fact, it’s on my list of loves.

I talk. With people I like/love and can vibe with. If I don’t then I’m in my thoughts, is that so bad? I don’t like talking in crowds.

What. Is. So. Wrong. With. That?

But the thing that bothers me the most is that this man didn’t know me for more than 10 seconds. Yet, he took out 2 of my worst labels that I’ve struggled with in those 10 seconds and brought me back to the pain of labels. Back to that scared little girl who thought in order for the labels to stop she had to fit their “image” of self-acceptance and not her own.

And I can never be “chill” about that.

How is it okay for someone, even an adult, to ask that? I have no idea.

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hello, Senior (still can’t believe I’m saying that): Day 1

my first day of senior year.

You know, I always told myself I would never believe that I’m a senior until the very first day… but now that the first day has happened it feels like I won’t even believe it until graduation. I would literally be sitting there in a sea of students with a cap and gown and be like, “Wait… I’m a senior?”

Lol I’m kidding, but lowkey that’s what it feels like.

If anyone doesn’t know, because I know school systems are different all over the world, senior year is a prettttyy big deal. Senior year is also what we call 12th grade. It’s the fourth and last year of high school. It’s the year before you decide what college you’re going to go to. It’s the year before pretty much knowing what you’re going to do with the rest of your life. Prom, graduation, last time in high school… all that stuff.

So yeah… it’s very big. I’m not sure what my year holds but we’ll see how it goes.

So today was the first (last) day of school. We call it first last day because it’s our final first day in high school.

My school has an odd and even schedule and we alternate between even and odd every day. There are eight class periods. One day, which might be an odd day we have class periods: 1,3,5,6, and 7. The next day, an even day, we have class periods: 2,4,5,6,8. We have 5th and 6th period every day because those are alternate lunch periods.

Today was an odd day. My first senior odd day. Here’s how it went…

Period 1 was chorus class. I was actually surprised when I saw this class on my schedule because it was my alternate class in case any of my class suggestions weren’t available. I’m actually pretty happy I’m in chorus, the class I didn’t get which was music technology, I didn’t really want to be in that anymore.  Plus I get to professionally get help with my singing and I would have the music teacher I’ve had since freshman year. I really like her because she’s really chill and she knows all my music history. And she’s really enthusiastic and she’s always happy when she sees me. When I walked in the class there was A LOT of people. Hi, Anxiety. I didn’t think there were any seats left in the second row. But my feet were just taking me to who knows where. Then I see one of my friends who I bond with over Fifth Harmony. The seat next to him wasn’t taken so I sat there and he said hi to me. It was nice. We had a funny conversation here and there and we made fun of each other like we always do. It’s really comforting because there were 60+ people in that room and I wasn’t friends with ANY of them but him. It was such a huge class because I think it’s a combination of different chorus classes. But there’s an upcoming performance October 17th and I’m pretty excited.

Period 3 was AP Psychology. It’s funny it’s my last year in this school and I still get lost. I came in after the bell rang but my teacher didn’t mind because it was the first day and school announcements were going over the intercom. Again my feet went to who knows where and I found a nice seat in the back. I’m really excited to take this class because psychology really, truly interests me. The mind is so complex and interesting… why wouldn’t you want to know more? So we had this ice-breaker activity. It was kind of okay compared to past icebreaker activities I’ve endured (cringes). The teacher is really, super nice and she seems pretty chill. I saw one of my friends in this class but I didn’t sit next to her (because I was late). Then we played a game of would you rather.

Period 5 was FORENSIC SCIENCE. I’m REALLY excited about this class (as you can tell by the caps). I love forensics, it’s as interesting as psychology to me. I love watching shows like Criminal Minds because that feeling of adding up all the evidence to catch a suspect is so thrilling. I saw a girl I knew and was friends with last year. She said hi to me but she has a lot of her own friends in the class. The teacher also seemed chill. She said she didn’t like ice-breakers (THANK YOU) so we just did a lab activity where we went to different stations and examined “evidence.” It was really fun. But it would be more fun if it was either individual or I was with someone I knew, ya know? I don’t really know if I’m going to make any friends in this class which kinda sucks because I have this class every day and it’s really fun so far. I don’t know… I had this same thought junior year for 5th period and I just so happened to make a really good friend who I still talk to. But we’ll see how this class goes.

Period 6 was lunch. My best friend and I have the same lunch!!! We both had anxiety over this. We sat outside for the first time and it was really nice. Like why haven’t we done that before? (Maybe because you get that “outside” smell and you start sweating and you have to… okay let’s not think of the negatives) My friend was really hyper today so she made a lot of conversaton and we talked about little things. It was also really nice. I wasn’t really hungry because I had too much anxiety.

Period 7 was English. When I walked in I really hoped and prayed that there would be a friend in that class that I was really friends with. I sat at the back. There are two guys that I know in that class. One guy, I knew from freshman year who… okay so apparently he had a crush on me but he never told me himself his friends always told me, so I’m not completely sure. But other than that, we were good friends. The other guy, I knew from my sophomore year, he always used to call me “Cory” because when we were in the same government class there was this kid named Cory who we both used to talk to and he made such a big deal about it like “ooo look at you too.” But no, it wasn’t that deep. I was only friends with the Cory guy for a semester but literally, whenever I saw this friend junior year he would keep calling me that. He even told me once that for a second he forgot my real name lol. But this class he actually called me Rebecca. Thank. Goodness. He said hi and was his usual goofy self. The other guy (the one who had a crush on me) said hi to me and smiled too. The class was full of people I kinda knew here and there but weren’t like close with. These were the only two people I knew a little bit. This teacher again seemed pretty chill. Thank goodness my odd day teachers are chill. She’s really nice, she smiled at me. We went to go take photo ID’s this period and I just have to say… the guy who took my picture? He was really nice. And idk when I see and meet people I don’t really know I come off as kinda cynical because I don’t really trust anyone. I don’t like being too nice because people can be pretty mean even when you’re nice and it makes you feel like “Oh? Okay…” But as soon as this photographer said hi to me I smiled and said hi. He seemed really nice and he was. I didn’t have any pockets and I was holding my phone so I had to tuck it into my leggings. He told me to stand to lean forward a bit and I was adjusting my phone and I was like “Ergh sorry” and he said “No, it’s okay! I understand. Take all the time you need.” Then he asked me how my day was and he laughed when I responded with happiness. He was just like an up-side stranger to my day. I really like how my ID turned out. I compared it to the one from my past years and dang the GLO UP lol. After photo ID’s we went back to the classroom and the teacher explained some classroom stuff. Then she said that we would have daily 10 minute journals writing about whatever we wanted. And she wouldn’t check them or look at them, no one would. This sounds so relaxing and chill (<– how many times have I used that word? Lol I’m sorry it’s just so perfect). Which it was (apart from the hand cramps. Thanks summer).

Then the day was over and I went on the bus with my best friend. Then she told me that she forgot her artwork in the desk on her first day (she tends to lose stuff… but really, girl? On the first day? Her mom was saying the same thing) But it’s okay we went off the bus and got it and then got some slurpees and went home. Then I took a nap and started overthinking and stuff.

Honestly? I’m not sure about senior year. The above stuff sounds okay but I really wanted to highlight the positivity, not my overthinking. None of my like real, good friends- the ones I can vibe with without over thinking are in my classes. So it sucks. But my friend sent me her schedule and we have guitar class together so that’s amazing and a weight off the anxiety. This is the same friend who let me chill with her friends during a fire drill even though I felt like I was bothering them. But I also have pre-calculus and AP Biology tomorrow… My friend had AP Bio and she said the teacher already assigned work…. hahhhhh.

I’m just scared of not making many friends and COLLEGE is a monster. I have to start applications and making DECISIONS. I also want to start working because ya knowww I wanna make some money.

I want to be okay but my mindset just wants to set to the default of losing hope. None of us know the future. We don’t know where this path leads. But we hope so much that it leads to happiness and strength. I hope that every day.

Let’s see where that hope takes us.

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honestly… i’m movin’ on

Maybe I should be honest with you guys, right?

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been frequently posting on my blog (please don’t check my “July 2017” archives lol I don’t even know what happened…) and going to my blog as a security blanket.

I mean, there were times where I always went to this blog as a security blanket but, for a while, that feeling went away and instead of venting to my blog I found other ways to let out my emotions.

But I missed blogging. I missed writing.

Anyway, this isn’t about blogging. This is about what happened so hopefully I can move on from it.

There’s a huge, major reason that I came back to my blog. It wasn’t only because I missed blogging/writing. It was because something happened and I needed to vent. My other sources that I usually used to vent weren’t enough… because what happened was something that couldn’t take a few days or even weeks to recover from.

And I haven’t hidden what that “thing that happened” was. I’ve actually been very vocal about it. It has been a major part of my blog in the past few weeks since I’ve been more active.

I think you all know the thing that happened and who it involves… I mean you can all say it with me: It was and is about Phoenix. (Ohkayy 7 letters. That’s very creepy. It’s weird because the 7 letter name thing is something I’ve never noticed. His real name has 7 letters. My name has 7 letters. The past 2 guys I’ve had crushes on have 7 letters in their name… I overthink too much lol anywayyy)

Wait! Before you click out of this post… because I know the majority of my posts have been about him. This isn’t gonna be another vague post.

I’m not going to apologize for talking about him excessively. Because I need to vent my feelings here and there.

I want to apologize for never being honest. 

The thing that happened with him at the start of August… I’ve never talked about it. I’ve never talked about it in context. I haven’t been able to talk to you guys about it. Even though I made posts and poems and all that… I’ve been talking to him through my blog but never to you guys.

I’ve been using the “you” pronoun concerning my posts about him, instead of the “him” pronoun. Yes, it does help me when it feels like I directly talked to him. But it’s like I’m excluding you guys. I know some of you might not care what happened. But as this blog has grown I’ve always shared stories with everyone here and that’s what has made the connection personal. But if I keep talking to him, it’s like I’m losing my relationship with all the lovely people who read my material… in a sense? Does that make sense? I don’t know. I just want to be honest with what happened.

And up until this point, I didn’t want to be honest with you guys about what happened or say directly what happened… because I didn’t want it to actually be real. I thought if I didn’t state what happened or say it with full context and detail then what happened with Phoenix would be a lie. Instead, I told you guys that him and I “aren’t on good terms.” But that’s not even the half of it.

I realized it’s not helping me dancing around what actually happened. What happened is real. And I haven’t been facing it. I haven’t been talking about it. I haven’t been honest with even myself.

So it’s time to say what happened and not sugar coat it or tell you a metaphor.

The reason I needed to vent since the start of August… which some of you might have already figured out is… Phoenix has a new girlfriend. 

I don’t know how many of you know exactly know who Phoenix is, if you want to know there’s a category for him on my blog… but in short, how do I say it in short? Last year, at the beginning of junior year I started getting feelings for him and he was different because he was a good guy, he was genuine and nice “without any strings” as I would’ve said in the past. He was different because he asked me about my anxiety and told me he would be there for me and we actually hung out just the two of us. But I was… I’ve been… I am? Idk. I’m in the friendzone and I had no idea how he felt about me.

But there were things he would do that made me (not only me but my friends also) question his true feelings… like the anxiety. Most people don’t like talking about mental disorders, but he wanted to know what my fears and worries were. He wanted to know about things of my past. He wanted to make sure I was comfortable with him. He brushed my hair out of my face multiple times. He tickled me so that I would put my head on his shoulder. He wanted to spend more time with me… once he even sacrificed a few hours of soccer practice (soccer is his one true passion and love) just to spend a couple more hours with me because he made the point that he doesn’t see me as much as he practices soccer. He used to want to know so much about me and my day. He wanted me to be happy. He said that my laugh was like a melody. Whenever he saw me in school he would stop me and want to talk to me even if it was my lunch period and he would be late to class. He opened up to me… he told me an hour long story about his past and he shared a piece of himself with me. He knew I never left my house much and he wanted to be that side of adventure for me. My parents got mad because on one of my hangouts with him we both lost track of time and I came home at dark and he felt bad and I told him it’s okay because it was worth it to spend time together and he agreed. But he didn’t just agree or say “same” like any other teenager. He said, “I think it was worth it too.” He didn’t have to say my whole phrase over again but he did and that’s just how he was… his word choice, his actions, his personality, how he responded to my actions and words… it was all just a jumbled mess.

It all added to the confusion. It was because of all the things said above (and much more) that made the impossibility of him liking me seem possible. That made the insecurity of someone never being able to like me seem obliterated for a second. But I mean (NOT TO SOUND EGOTISTICAL or be all matter-of-fact) a few people have liked me in the past. But none of those people liked me for who I was because it was just a once-glance crush. They liked me because of my looks not because they got to know me. But if the signs above proved favorable and he actually liked me for who I am… it would be a game-changer. We spent months getting to know each other. No one I have ever liked and vibed with, none of them have ever liked me back. The possibility of someone I like actually liking me back? Honestly, it scared me. But I could have crossed that bridge if I ever came to it… but I never came to it.

I mean, maybe the stuff he did was him just being a good friend. But honestly? He hasn’t been a good friend for the past month or so. I mean I’m not one who wants to say bye to friendships. I would have sacrificed my feelings for the sake of our friendship if it was worth it.

Actually, I already did. When I started liking him or feeling things he was dating someone and I toned down whatever I was feeling because I wanted his friendship. But nowadays? He hasn’t been that great of a friend as he used to be.

He always cancels on me last minute. There was a time we were supposed to hang out this one day and I didn’t hear from him AT ALL. I was just hopelessly wasting hours away hoping his name popped up on my phone. With my anxiety, that day wasn’t easy for me. And when I asked him about it (I had to ask him about it, he didn’t care enough to tell me what happened) he said he canceled it (mentally) and forgot to notify me. Is that the action of someone who cares about you? I didn’t even get an explanation until I asked for it. And lately, he’s been leaving me on read. He never used to do that. There were times where he felt bad about leaving me on read and every conversation I had with him recently it’s like I worry that this is the last time I would hear from him that week. He used to respond to me in paragraphs and never seemed to mind but now it’s just sentences full of insults. He also lies. He tells me he’s going to reply to a message of mine and he never does. The fact that he might take a long time doesn’t bother me, it’s the fact that he tells me he’s going to and he doesn’t.

It’s not the thought that counts, it’s the action. We haven’t had a real conversation for a few weeks. All we do is insult each other and banter. I want to ask him how he is and how his life is, but he doesn’t ask that of me anymore.  He used to say “Good morning” to me.  He doesn’t do that stuff anymore. And it just gives me anxiety. I feel like if I asked that of him I would be bothering him. Plus, why would I ask him when he doesn’t even realize that him leaving me on read actually hurts?

He gives me the worst anxiety. Because I worry and I’m scared. I’m scared that I did something to him but I don’t know if I did something. Whenever he left me on read, I would think “Is this my fault? Did I say something?” And then I start overthinking and seeing it as my fault. I start thinking, “I shouldn’t have said that! If I said this, he would still be talking to me.”

But that’s not healthy. Something has happened in the past few months to “us.” There was the chapstick thing. But all that was resolved. I wanted to still be his friend so I forgave him for that.

But, I think the friendship has been rocky for a while now, way before finding out about his girlfriend. I just didn’t want to accept it because I had so much hope that he liked me back. I mean imagine having all those moments on repeat and replay in your head. It definitely didn’t help. Plus all my friends were like a third party and they were all like, “No, a “just friend” doesn’t do that. He definitely likes you!” That didn’t help but I’m definitely not blaming my friends. They’re all my rock through this.

The whole thing was messy. Even though I don’t want to accept that it was.

I mean he was “best friends” with his ex. My heart broke every time I saw them in the hallway. But I mean? They picked each other up after class like they were still together. And on two occasions he stopped in the middle of a conversation to talk to her. My friend even thought there was something more and they would get back together. Why did I keep falling for him? I should’ve fallen for a guy who… like the high school scenario, he would be like “Hey, can I walk you to class? (bruh we had 4 of the same classes together first semester he could’ve done that)” Lol I know, unrealistic. But still. That should be what I fall for. I shouldn’t have fallen for a guy who I know would never ask me to walk with him to his next class.

He did notice I had anxiety but… he didn’t care that much when I talked about it. If he knew what my anxiety was like he would know that his actions give me the worst anxiety. I always think I’m bothering him. Back in February, he said that if I ever felt that way he wouldn’t be a good friend. But a lot has happened since then.

There were moments where I got headaches because I just wanted the whole feeling train to stop. I just wanted to stop talking to him sometimes. I just wished that I let him lose focus sometimes. Because sometimes he was just a. complete. jerk.

I think getting his snapchat and number might’ve been a bad idea looking back at it. I mean, the first few months it was so nice to talk to him and have an ongoing conversation. It definitely made me smile seeing that he texted me. But for the past few weeks, it’s been torture.

There’s a difference between talking to people in real life and virtually, right? Well, virtual “Him” wasn’t all that great. I remember there was a post I wrote about this subject. I said that I don’t really like texting because people can be and say whatever they want behind a screen… and that was him.

He said anything without feeling the effects of it. He would make unrealistic promises: he said that we should see the stars someday this semester or summer— we never talked about it again… and so many other things my heart believed were true. He would say that he cared about me and he “wouldn’t give up on me.” He just said things. I never could believe it after the chapstick thing. But I could believe what he said in person… that felt like the truth because there was no screen to hide behind and he hates fake people. But looking at it now, now that he has a girlfriend, his words and actions, from the in person him, feel like a lie too.

And something that really pissed me off when texting him. Whenever I told him about real feelings and emotions he turned it into a joke or he said “Awww” like I was a dog doing a cute trick.

Our relationship wasn’t ever perfect. But when I found out he had a girlfriend it was like a wake-up call and a breaking point.

It was a Friday. Another reason I don’t want his snapchat: He always posts his feelings and vague stuff on there and it’s getting tiring. One day he posted this on his story: “I only wish I kissed you in the rain.” One of my friends is friends with both Phoenix and I, and she sent what he said to me. I kind of freaked out because whenever we hung out it was lowkey raining. But it also rained really hard the day he posted that on his story. My friend told me that she asked him who it was about.

Whoever it was about, I knew that things were going to change. (It’s funny because I sent him a message the same day my friend sent him that message. And it’s just like him that he responded to her in the same day while he responded to me two days later)

Then just as I was going to go to sleep, I check my phone. My friend texted me.

Three words. In three words he broke my heart. My friend asked him “I wonder who this is about?” He says, “My girlfriend lol.” 

Like I said before, he’s pretty vocal on snapchat. I always thought if he was to get in a new relationship he would put it on his story. But there was nothing. Even my friend didn’t know about his girlfriend and she knows pretty much everything about kids in our school.

So this is great to hear.. That night I felt horrible. I felt like throwing up my dinner and I felt a deep sadness. I even cried, I don’t usually cry when it involves crushes and stuff but this actually hurt. I actually wondered what I did wrong. That was one of the worst nights of my life.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for my friends I wouldn’t have made it through. That’s not even sugar coating anything. If they weren’t there at midnight I would have thrown up.

Then like I said he didn’t respond to my message until two days later. My friends told me I should keep distance I didn’t even want to see his name on my phone. I left him on read for once. Knowing that he has a girlfriend, I don’t even know what to make of his banter anymore. That’s all I am to him now. I’m just a back and forth, just someone to outmatch. He doesn’t ask me how my day is or how I’m doing anymore. It’s all different.

It hurts.

I don’t know who might’ve read this: Watching the clouds with you

That post is about our second hangout and it was near the end of June. I’m not forcing you to read it but imagine going through all these emotions and feelings that I wrote about in the post… and then two months later you find out all that hope and happiness… it’s obliterated.

Whilst I was falling for him harder, he was falling for someone else. 

I don’t know when he started dating her but does it matter? He still played with my feelings.

I even convinced myself that “she” didn’t exist. But why would he lie? She does exist. And I’m not doing myself any favors believing there is no girlfriend.

That’s why I’m typing up this post 3 weeks later. I need to accept it. In order to move on.

Because I want to move on. 

I don’t want to keep falling for him. There were reasons to let him go before I heard of a girlfriend but it took him having a girlfriend to open up my eyes. Him having a girlfriend made me not forgive the bs anymore and that’s good because I was forgiving too much bs for the sake of my feelings. 

I shouldn’t need to worry and wonder whether he cares about me… I should know.

I never wanted to type up this story on my blog honestly. I didn’t even want to tell you guys about him having a girlfriend. Because, again, I thought doing so would make him having a girlfriend be false. But I say everything on this blog and if I don’t say this story out loud on my blog… I still have hope for him and I’m still letting him control a piece of me. 

When really I shouldn’t have hope for him.

He made me overthink. He made me wonder if a thousand things were my fault. He made me go back and forth so many times.

And I have been through too much to have to go through this.

I hope that this doesn’t sound shallow of me to say but… I don’t deserve this.

I want to move on. I want to. I need to. I can’t keep these tears that are rolling down on my face. I can’t keep wondering “What if.” Things happened the way they did for a reason. I can’t keep hoping. There are more things I want to hope for.

There’s more I want to think about than the memories of us together. He reminded me what it was like to fall again. He showed me that guys can actually care about you and want to know more about you.

But the person who stays is worth your time. He didn’t stay, he never did.

There was a time where he seemed so perfect. But that was the problem. No one is ever perfect. All relationships have their ups and downs.

But if a person is messing with your mental health and you’re not even sure if they care about you, that’s when it should get personal.

These tears. This anxiety I have over him. This overthinking. I don’t need it. After all that I’ve been through and am going through. I don’t deserve it. He doesn’t get to do this. I shouldn’t let him.

Honestly? I’m movin’ on.

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