Goodbye, Junior

Start: Hello, Junior: Day 1 & Hello, Junior: Day 2

And now it’s the finish, the end. Well, not really the end of life or anything but it’s the end of my junior year.

Already? It literally feels like just yesterday the school year started. Okayyy… maybe not just yesterday but when I think of the first day of school I think, “Woah that was 10 months ago?!!?” But when I think about the journey it took to get me here, it D.E.F.I.N.I.T.E.L.Y. does not feel like the first day of school was yesterday anymore.

Honestly, I think this is my favorite year of high school (hopefully, so far) freshman year comes as second, and sophomore year: third.

This school year definitely didn’t start out good. What first day starts out good? But overall, looking back the school year turned out to be good even though I did have my crappy moments.

I made some real friends this year (hopefully). One of my real friends is the friend I made in my chem class. From the moment we met, we literally vibed so much. We could tell each other anything at this point. It’s been so nice to have her there and not only there in that class but there in any situation: she’s helped me figure out my major for college, she helped me with Phoenix, etc. Even once, we had a fire drill and she went to hang out with her friends but she didn’t leave me alone she let me be included with her group of friends and it was just so nice of her. Another real friend was Phoenix. To be honest, apart from the feelings and everything else it really is nice to know that he’s real and not fake. The fact that he wants to know more about me and wants to willingly hang out with me is something I can’t even begin to describe. I made some real friendships with lower classmen and I feel like a big sister to them because I’ve been through what they might be going through school-wise although, they never fail to make me feel old.

I started my hello junior year posts with a breakdown of all the periods and how they all were the first day and I think it should be tradition to say how they all ended. (This focuses around second semester)

  • Period 1: Piano
    • Honestly, this class was boring sometimes. There were days where I would just sit in my seat and try to find something to play but nothing. My teacher never really had a lesson plan so everything was freelance. But, I did learn some piano and I’m going to buy piano books to teach myself. I’m still learning “A Thousand Years” and I’m nearing the end of the song. But, this last day it was so cool because the whole class got on a bunch of pianos and we had this jam session and it just sounded really cool. So cool that I wanted to record it but I couldn’t considering my hands were occupied.
  • Period 2: Modern World
    • One of my friends from freshman year was in this class and the first day she asked me to come sit near her, but the only seat near her was next to her friend. And it was awkward because her friend was in 2 of my previous classes in the previous years and we never really became friends. So it was me, her friend, then her. But as days and weeks passed I got to know her friend and her more and it was really nice. I actually ended up hanging out with her, some of her friends and my best friend this past week. It was really nice sitting next to those two. They never made one class boring. Even though sometimes I felt like the odd-one-out, overall they both made me really happy. Also after this period my friend and I would walk to our 4th period together and it was always so nice, she would dread about Spanish and I would sometimes dread about AP Language. It was really nice.
  • Period 3: Photography
    • At first, this class seemed lonely. Because none of my friends from my old photography class ended up in the same class as me. So it sucked at first. Then we had this photo assignment where we had to take pictures of each other and this girl didn’t have anyone so me and this girl I awkwardly asked beforehand if we could be partners let her take pictures with us. And a friendship started. Then she had another friend and I had friends. I wasn’t lonely. All of them were freshmen and sometimes it was overwhelming because one of my friends always talked about this shitty boy who never deserved my friend but no matter what she always went back to him. Stuff like that pissed me off and sometimes they were rude here and there and on the days where I wasn’t mentally okay I took it to heart. But I know that it doesn’t come from a place of hate. They really truly care about me. When I had strep throat they cared about where I was and that I felt okay.
    • But the content of the class- I didn’t really like it. The first semester, we were taking these aesthetic pictures with film and everything. My first semester teacher told me we would be more on the computers but I didn’t realize we would be learning more about photoshop than photography. I mean I didn’t mind the photoshop but my second semester teacher focused more on what we did on photoshop than our pictures itself. I just don’t really feel like I learned that much this semester compared to first semester. Plus my second semester teacher was never enthusiastic about things.
  • Period 4: AP Language & Composition
    • One of my friends from the previous semester was in this class so it was okay. We talked more this semester than last semester- so that was really nice. My teacher gave us this really inspiring speech about anything that we do should be seen as an accomplishment. Even little things like writing essays or research papers, they should be seen as accomplishments because some people can’t even do that and we should never take our abilities for granted. His class was really hard, I never got an A, always straight B’s and the papers were always hard. But he was a really good teacher and his acting when reading is really awesome.
  • Period 5: Chemistry
    • My everyday class. This class was only amazing because I had the real friend (that I talked about earlier) in this class. We both had the same class both semesters so that was honestly so perfect. We never really paid attention and when the test date came we were screwed but each time we made it through. We always made each other laugh because we have the same sense of humor and I can literally tell her anything. Even though chemistry haunted my life, I’m honestly so happy because I got to know such an amazing person (ohh noo I’m getting sappy)
  • Period 6: Lunch
    • Lunch was always good. I mean it’s lunch there was nothing exciting about it. But I’m so happy because my best friend and I had the same lunch for both semesters so that was amazing and a weight off the anxiety shoulders.
  • Period 7: Spanish
    • UDsafkalsdjfd Spanish. I mean trust me I’m all for speaking another language and learning about the culture. But this class drained me. The class was full of freshmen who never knew the right and wrong time to talk. And the grammar and remembering everything killed me. But I made it through. I actually made friends with this girl that the teacher assigned next to me and she was really funny but through half of the semester, she switched everyone’s seats so that sucked. But, oh my gosh, I actually made it through!
  • Period 8: Algebr(uh)a Two (Sorry I had to make that joke once in my life lol)
    • This class was so fun. I mean at first the teacher kinda scared me but she turned out to be so funny. And I sat with 2 people I knew from wayyyy back all the way to elementary school. It was always so fun doing worksheets with them. Even though it’s weird saying work was fun. Doing the work wasn’t fun but doing the work with them and working it out together was fun. We were always cracking jokes and laughing at anything. Lol I think our teacher got mad sometimes but even she joined in sometimes.

So there we go. That’s all that’s happened. From beginning to end. It’s so weird because in my sophomore year… I hated my sophomore year because I felt so alone and lost. That was the year I found out I had anxiety and so many things clicked this year like fake friends and all that. It was just such a bad year for me. But when I compare junior year to sophomore year, thank God that He carried me through. I prayed so much and He didn’t let me down. I don’t feel as lost anymore, or as lost as I was last year. It was horrible last year. But He put constants in my life: people, love, even happiness here and there. The only way I made it through was because God helped me and I had some amazing friends that pulled me through. I wanted to just give up and give in sometimes, but I never did.

I accomplished all I needed to do this year and I can overthink as much as I want but the way things happened, I can’t change them. I can’t do anything but be happy and marvel at the fact that I was able to make it through.

It’s honestly so weird to think that next school year, actually kind of right now, I’m officially a senior… I don’t think it’ll really click until August when school starts again. But I mean WHATSTSSDT???? I remember entering middle school (6th grade) and telling my friends “Woah we’re the big kids now.” And then 8th grade and feeling like the actual big kids considering we were the ones going to graduate. Then 9th grade rolled around and I was honestly so freakishly scared and frightened and everything to be going to high school. And now HERE I AM, about to be a senior. W.h.a.t. Literally, where is the time going?

Sometimes it feels like time goes by so slow, then other times it feels like it’s going so fast that I’m literally chasing it down for it to stop (which is weird because I hardly run). But let me not blow my mind too much thinking about the concept of time because that could last forever (lol get it?… I’m sorry haha).

I get really nostalgic thinking about time and how everything is going by so fast. Sometimes on my dark days, I want nothing more than to grow up, but once I’m there it’s not really what I want anymore. I think of all the goodbye’s and see you soon’s and talk to you soon’s and they’re just tugging at my heartstrings. I thought I would be more relieved but I’m experiencing that feeling of change again. Thinking about the friends who might not have the time to talk to me and how life is only going to be different and harder from here on out. I mean I actually have to think about college and everything. I’m getting anxiety. I  just need to breathe and take everything day by day.

Here’s to the end of another year. You made it, Rebecca!

I really hope that if you read my first day and last day it was able to maybe teach you that no matter how anxious the beginning of something can be, the journey of it until the end might seem far away and hard to reach… but you can make it through.

You’re capable of more than you believe. So much more.

«Music Friday»

So all this week I listened to Halsey’s “Hopeless Fountain Kingdom” and it is honestly: so b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l. Halsey is such a musical inspiration. Her album is a concept album which means that all the songs on the album hold a greater meaning together than individually. And Halsey said that this album is top to bottom about her being able to love herself after an abusive relationship. It’s so amazing. Plus, it’s like a scavenger hunt. If you check out her twitter you can see her fans figuring out new pieces behind her lyrics and it’s so beautiful that the story can keep being interpreted. (But be warned because there are explicit songs, I don’t know who might be reading this, just making sure I don’t offend young ears).

I hope you all had an amazing week. We made it through another one everyone!

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weight.

Was I a weight?

On your shoulder?

On your soul?

Was I dispensable?

Was it nice when it ended?

Now you don’t have to put in any more effort.

Was I a burden?

You had to carry my insecurities and my secrets like a pack mule, now it doesn’t matter anymore.

Now that it’s done.

Was I easy?

Someone that could be easily fooled and played.

Target practice.

Was I nothing?

Just a useless pawn who, according to you, is devoid of any feelings.

Who apparently holds all the blame for everything.

Was I a back-up?

Just something that could be saved for later.

You have me in case it didn’t work out with someone else.

Was I naive?

Even through all my doubts, I believed all your lies.

I was falling faster than gravity would ever allow.

Was I the village idiot?

For believing that everything coming out of your mouth was the truth.

I played your games, unbeknownst to me that they were actually games.

Was I replaceable?

Once I’m gone nothing will change with you.

Because I was nothing to you in the first place.

 

Was I too broken?

Maybe you had to get out before you got too deep.

It was too much for you.

Was I wrong?

About everything?

For believing in a dumb reality and breaking down my walls.

Am I a weight?

no.

I am not a weight.

I am not dispensable.

I am not a burden.

I am not easy.

I am anything but nothing.

I am not back-up.

I am not naive.

I am not the village idiot.

I am not replaceable.

I am not too broken.

And I was not wrong. Nor will I ever be wrong.

I won’t let you do that to me anymore. I won’t let you lure me into thinking that this is all my fault. It’s not my fault.

I won’t let you control me anymore.

I am not a weight anymore.

You won’t be my weight anymore.

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everything (or everyone) that kills me makes me feel alive.

Have you ever heard that song from OneRepublic, “Counting Stars?” Well, it popped up in my Spotify today and it had this one line: “Everything that kills me makes me feel alive.”

Well, how does that make sense?

How do things that kill you make you feel alive?

And then I thought about yesterday.

So, yesterday… My heart broke for reasons that I’m not too comfortable with sharing yet. But I will say that my heart broke over a person.

I got home from school and I burst a few tears, but only a few. Then I resorted to listening to sad music and doing my homework to not focus on the pain too much and get my mind off of it.

Then I heard this sad song, “Say Something” by A Great Big World. I know, I know, it’s kind of old and overplayed, but it’s such a meaningful song. And as of that moment, it connected so much with me. So much, that I cried.

Not only a few tears… but I actually cried. I bawled listening to the whole song with a runny nose and everything because the song fully explained what I was thinking and everything I was feeling. Have you ever listened to a song where every lyric seems to be as if it came from your heart? That was this song.

Usually, when I cry I like to dig myself into my hole of darkness and start thinking of ways as to why my life is crap and why this specific person (the one I was crying over) wouldn’t “say something.”

But I didn’t curse out my life or see a reason as to give up.

You want to know what I did when I cried?

I thanked God. Yeah, you read that right.

I was thankful that I was crying and that I was feeling emotion. No, I wasn’t shedding happy tears. I could literally feel my heart breaking piece by piece because everything with this specific person was a mess.

But I was thankful. I was thankful that I was feeling something. I was thankful that I was feeling sadness, a genuine human emotion. I was thankful for my tears and my snot-filled nose (sorry for the visual lol) because I was kind of glad that I was shedding tears.

Is that weird? I don’t really think it is.

Over these past few days, I’ve just shut the pain in and resorted to listening to my mind’s dark thoughts. But on this day, I cried. I didn’t want to act like everything was ok. I didn’t want to shut myself out (which is something I didn’t even realize I was doing). I wanted to let out what I was feeling. I wanted to cry to let out the sadness. I was/am heartbroken.

Everything (or everyone) that kills me makes me feel alive. No, I don’t wish to have that feeling again. But feelings like that, like this because that feeling is still prevalent, only make me grow and remind myself that I’m not always strong, but it’s ok because I’m only human.

I was once scrolling through Pinterest and I saw this quote that I loved so much that I think describes why I was thankful for my tears:

“No matter how broken my heart may feel, I will always be grateful that it still has a beat.”

-Demi Lovato

Please don’t think I’m this person who is so strong and has everything figured out. I might say all of this and very much 100% mean it, but I still have baggage and have moments of weakness. I still break and I still feel like crap here and there. But I’m trying. I’m trying to find the light in my cracks.

It felt like crap (and it still feels like crap) to cry those tears and to feel the pain that the specific person caused me/causes me, but the tears made me feel alive… I don’t know how because here and there I still feel like a used rag, but it made me want to, I don’t know, keep going. Which doesn’t really make sense. But I just don’t want to let the pain of one person break me. I don’t want to give them the power or advantage of breaking me completely.

Emotions aren’t weak. They only remind you that you’re human. And you have to remember to feel your emotions, and remember not to shut yourself out.

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With Best Friends… Everything Will Be Okay

I have 3 best friends.

These are the friends I made back in the day lol. These are the friends who knew me before I knew myself. The friends who were there before, during, and after puberty.

Best friends are people you can always go to, no matter what. No matter how long ago you’ve last talked to each other. They’re always there.

To give you a smile, to make you laugh, to talk about the little things, and to talk about the deep things.

The other day when I felt empty and felt like giving up I texted one of my best friends. I didn’t expect a reply or for her to care as much as she did. I texted her Saturday night and waited a few hours but no reply.

Saturday night turned into Sunday morning and the only person who texted me was my uncle wanting to take me on a driving lesson.

An important detail to the story: I like to keep my phone on silent because keeping it on sound gives me too much anxiety. If I’m waiting for a person to text me, I’ll be constantly on the prowl hoping/waiting for them to respond and I hate that feeling.

So while I was watching a TV series on my computer Sunday night my brother walks into my room telling me that my best friend’s mom was calling, telling me to call my best friend. I’m confused. So I check my silent phone and see a bunch of messages, a missed call, and a voicemail. My friend cared so much as to ask her mom to call my house to make sure that I was okay.

My friend cared so much as to ask her mom to call my house to make sure that I was okay. That’s the kind of person I needed, I need.

I had a wonderful conversation with my friend. She listened to everything I had to get off my chest while advising me and making me feel okay about what I’m feeling. Then we talked about the future and she said that my future doesn’t have to be more crap. My future will be whatever I want it to be, whatever I work hard for it to be.

Talking to her just made the emptiness I was feeling, less empty. I was so afraid of talking to this friend because I thought that I was bothering her, but she told me that I never bother her and she wanted to make sure that I know that.

And then the next day, Monday, I went to my other best friend’s house and we watched movies and played badminton. Today, I sat in the car while she drove and vice versa.

Whenever we spend time with each other laughing is like breathing to us. It’s such a weight off my shoulders to forget about all the stress, or remember the stress and laugh about it.

It’s just really nice to spend time with or talk to the people who have known you for all or life, or who know you for who you are. The people who aren’t fake and don’t have to question your friendship status. These are the people you should put in your life.

Because these are the people who will help you bring you out of the ashes and out of the darkness. These are the people who will give you happiness, even if it’s for a little bit- it’ll be genuine happiness.

Even if you’re not sure who your best friends are or if you can even consider someone your best friend, people who care enough to make sure you don’t give up are people worth keeping around.

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04.10.17. out in nature

So I don’t know if you read my post yesterday or not, but if you did you might have figured out that I wasn’t doing so good.

I went down on my rollercoaster.

I went into my hole of darkness.

I cried.

And I didn’t want to talk about it in my blog post yesterday, so I wrote a couple of vague sentences.

What led to the darkness was pretty much the same concept as every other time. Something wrecking happened and then my mind added onto that one bad thing with other crappy points in my life and suddenly I was crying about multiple things in my life instead of the one thing that happened.

This morning I wasn’t doing any better, I barely talked to my family I felt disconnected when texting my friends. I felt empty. I tried watching a movie to get into the relaxation spirit because today was the first day of my spring break week, but I just had to be broken on the first day.

It was like I was in the middle of nothing. It kinda still feels like that.

I wanted to be happy, but I couldn’t find a reason to be.

Then my friend texted me that we should go to the park. I was hesitant at first, but then I was like ok this is going to make me happy I should go.

But, of course, my friend said nevermind because she had to read her book for school.

So things went from crap to crappier.

And I honestly didn’t know what to do.

I tried watching another movie. I tried listening to music. I tried writing a song. I tried, but I still felt empty.

Then I remembered, I have a texting hotline number saved in my phone. Basically, a place where you can text a counselor about your problems.

I don’t remember how I got the number but thank goodness I kept it for a time like this. I’ve never contacted the hotline before this so this was my first time. I wasn’t really expecting some big remedy for my darkness. But honestly, I didn’t know what to expect.

But talking/texting the counselor made me feel less alone. She made sure I wasn’t thinking of suicide (which is something I could never see myself doing). Then she broke a few layers off of me and I told her a little bit about my situation and how I’m feeling. Then she asked me what I like to do.

Then she said I should go outside in nature. And I told her my parents won’t even let me walk a block alone (yes I used those exact words lol). So she told me I should sit outside and listen to music.

Ok.

So I pulled up a chair and sat outside with my phone and earphones. Then she told me while I’m sitting outside I could do some songwriting. Huh. I never thought of that.

I tried it.

I don’t know what happened. At first, I was doubtful. Of course, I was.

But I don’t know being out there just in the beauty of nature with my music in my ears- it felt peaceful and okay. I was so focused on writing I couldn’t even listen to my thoughts. Whenever the wind picked up and blew my ponytail around it was like I was floating carelessly and peacefully with it.

I wrote one complete song and 2 half songs. This morning when I tried songwriting I finished one song but I didn’t really feel anything after finishing the song. But when I was outside (in the afternoon) and I wrote 1 and 2 one-and-a-half songs it felt like something. I don’t know how to describe it, but it felt complete.

And I felt okay.

Then after I finished songwriting I got some flowers from my backyard that were really beautiful and I took some pictures. And with the flowers I created this:

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The picture really doesn’t give it enough justice. I just wanted to create a reminder of today.

I’m not exactly 100% okay but I don’t feel this overwhelming emptiness in my soul like I felt before. Before I felt like there was no use in trying anymore in life. But I still tried. I wanted help. So I told someone.

You know what the counselor said about me? She told me that I was brave enough to come forward for help. I’ve never seen myself as brave. But I’m happy I wanted to do something about that emptiness.

The overbearing scent of nature that stuck on me until I took a shower was 110% worth it.

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A Setback Doesn’t Have to Be a Setback

This previous Saturday, my best friend and I planned to go to our school’s reenactment of “The Wizard of Oz.”

So we asked our parents, got ready, and went to school on a Saturday night.

When we got to the school there was a line of people buying their last-minute tickets. Of course, even though we were students, we were those last-minute people. Lol I blame it on our Indian genes.

I didn’t think that there would be a problem buying our tickets right before it started because we’ve done it before and we got into the auditorium- so why wouldn’t it work this time?

Well, long story short, the tickets got sold out because there were no seats left in the auditorium. It was the last showing of the play, I guess everyone waited until the last show date to see it.

Of course, my heart sunk. Me: with the un-surprised shock of being let down was ready to crawl into my dark hole and call this night a failure. But, my best friend couldn’t care less. She wanted to go see the play last week, but she wasn’t feeling it this week. Honestly her not caring saved the night.

While I was all hopeless and disappointed she said that we should just go get some hot chocolate from McDonald’s and have a movie night. Maybe even watch the new Beauty and the Beast movie.

So we did do exactly that. We went to McDonald’s and got some dinner and then went back home and watched 2 movies.

Concerning this night, I thought of the tickets being sold out as a setback while my best friend saw it as an opportunity to have a movie night, one we haven’t had since the summer.

A setback doesn’t necessarily mean a setback. Yes, things might not have turned out the way I planned but isn’t spontaneity better?

If my best friend and I did get the last two tickets, they would’ve been either far away from the stage or far away from each other.

Honestly, having a conversation with my best friend in McDonald’s, helping her with her anxiety of crossing the street, walking in the dark together finally getting a sense of freedom and independence, having a short dance session with Spotify, laughing and commenting as we watch the movies, and spending time together feels better than sitting in our school’s auditorium hardly talking to each other struggling to see a play.

A setback seems horrible at first; I was ready to go into my darkness as soon as I registered the words “Sold out” but I didn’t. Because a setback just turned into an opportunity.

And you can make setbacks into opportunities. 

Try thinking outside of the box. Stop planning every waking moment of your life. Be open to spontaneity and setbacks. You never know, they could lead to happiness. Pure happiness.

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a year of knowing that I have Anxiety

It’s been a year since I’ve known accepted that I have anxiety. I don’t know if it’s been a full 365 days. But I remember it was March-April of last year.

To be honest, the progression it took to figure out I had anxiety was scary and “complete” in a sense.

I figured out I had anxiety during my sophomore year of high school.

Let me not sugarcoat it: I hated sophomore year. I was never happy and I didn’t have real friends.

Almost all of my friends were fake, or I thought they were real… when they just turned out to be fake.

Example? During the first semester of sophomore year my best friend and I didn’t have the same lunch. So I sat with our friend who I actually thought was a real friend. But throughout that semester she just left me alone at lunch. Some days I even sat alone with nothing but my phone.

During that time I was having sort of an identity crisis.

I was lost. I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know why I was the way I was. I think I’ve had anxiety for a few years before I even knew what it really was. I never liked talking loud, I always got panicky whenever I had to be social. I just… I was lost and confused.

People actually asked me “What’s wrong with you?” when I couldn’t socialize. And I didn’t know. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I guess I needed to figure out what was wrong.

I started writing this blog post before I realized what I had:

“No one seems to care.

That’s what my mind perceives.

The worries and fear keep telling me that I don’t belong here.

Maybe my mind is wrong.

But I don’t like this.

I don’t like being in a whole room full of people and feeling all alone.

Is it ironic that when I’m by myself I don’t feel alone at all?”

The main reason I didn’t like sophomore year was because it was the year of my deepest darkness.

I remember almost every week that year I used to have these regular moments of darkness. I just felt so down and depressed. I didn’t want to do anything. I felt like no one loved me.

Whenever the weekend came, I still felt depressed and unrelieved. Because ultimately the weekend wasn’t going to save me from my darkness. It was what, 2 days? Nothing was going to happen that would make me happy. Plus school wasn’t the only place I felt alone, I felt alone at church too- especially at Sabbath School, aka the place where the other teenagers of the church are. I had no friends and I knew I was never going to make friends because this was the one place I never felt safe.

During this period of my life, I wasn’t suicidal but I wouldn’t care if something happened to me to take away my life… that’s how bad it was. I once saw this thing that said:

“I’m not suicidal, but if a car came while I was crossing the street I don’t think I’d move and if someone held a gun to my head I wouldn’t exactly beg for my life in fact id laugh and tell them go for it. No I’m not suicidal but if I had the chance to die without killing myself I’d probably take it.”

I still remember that quote to this day. I still remember the moment I saw this quote. Have you ever had that moment where you resonate so much with something, whether it be a quote, a song, a book? That was this quote for me. And looking back on it, I can’t believe I used to be that deep.

The worst part is that the darkness was so common I barely noticed whenever I “went down on my roller coaster” -that’s what I called it.

Then I realized I had anxiety. It helped me in a sense, I don’t know how but it kind of fit the pieces of my life together.

Imagine if you always felt alone and… weird. But then you realize that people are actually going through the same things and feeling the same emotions as you. I thought that getting panicky and hiding in bathrooms just to breathe was lame and weak. But it’s just who I am and it showed me what I don’t like.

I remember the moment of looking up anxiety on my phone. My mom was picking me up after an after-school activity and I don’t know something happened that day that made me look up that word. It was a school day so of course, something anxiety-wise happened.

When I read what I saw, I couldn’t believe that what I was reading was me. I didn’t want to believe it.

My mom has depression, schizophrenia, and is bipolar. My grandpa has depression. Throughout my life, I’ve always seen people judge them. I’ve never seen one person understand them for who they are what they have. No one ever sympathized with them.

Once I accepted that I would have a mental disorder, that once I was a label- I could never go back. I could never see myself as the same way again. I wasn’t only going to advocate mental health for my mom or my grandpa, I was going to advocate it for me too.

It obviously wasn’t a one-moment realization. That’s why I don’t know the exact date of the year of knowing that I have anxiety. It took me a few weeks to actually see that I actually have anxiety. I realized how I acted. I realized how social situations made me feel. I opened up my eyes.

I always hear people say you’re not your mental disorder. And I know that I am not anxiety.

But I don’t know how to explain it. Don’t get me wrong anxiety is hell. But, finding out I have anxiety kind of brought me out of the hole that I was in last year. I’ve found good people- good friends, hopefully, real friends. I’ve been loving myself more. I don’t feel lost anymore.

I don’t know what figuring out that I have anxiety did to me. Knowing that I have it just made the phrase “What’s wrong with you” make sense.

A month after figuring out that I have anxiety I remembered that phrase and I imagined myself talking to the people who have said that to me and saying this is what’s wrong with me.

But there’s nothing wrong with having anxiety or any mental disorder for that fact.

I think a mental disorder is just another way of our minds to telling us “I don’t like this,” or “I want to be different.”

People with mental disorders will always have a special place in my heart.

Because whether you notice it or not, we’re all warriors. We’ve all had that time of darkness before knowing who we were or what we had. But we’ve made it through.

Why are we so damn hard on ourselves?

Think of all you’ve been through.

All the grief, the darkness, the moments of being lost.

Yet, here you are.

You’ve made it.

Honestly, last year if you asked me if I thought I would be here today lasting through all that darkness- I wouldn’t believe you.

The journey was definitely not easy, but here I am, and here you are with me too.

It’s been a year of knowing that I have anxiety.

It’s been a hard year, but I’m glad to say that I’m still standing here.

Still sitting here writing this out to you.

Hope isn’t hopeless.

If you’re going through a dark moment in your life, don’t let go. Keep holding on. I’m not exactly out of the darkness today. But there’s a difference from last year than this year. And it isn’t entirely figuring out that I have anxiety.

Last year I hated myself. Last year I didn’t put my faith in God. Last year I submitted to pain.

Your journey will be different from mine. You believe different things, you’re going through different circumstances. But I hope… yes, hope that you believe that something will bring you out of this darkness. That you’ll be able to make it through.

Because the rain can’t last forever.

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