deep thoughts: crying

Have you ever cried where the thing that set you off isn’t actually the reason you’re bawling your eyes out?

Let me explain…

A couple of days ago, I cried when something happened.

At the time, I knew I was crying for a stupid reason.

The thing I was crying about was a misunderstanding and I had a feeling someone would help me out and they did.

But I still bawled over this stupid reason.

Myself, knowing, that it was in fact stupid.

I kept crying.

In fact I just laid in bed crying and thinking while listening to music.

Where’s the part where I make a point?

Don’t worry I’m getting there.

I realized that I wasn’t crying over what happened…

I was crying over things that accumulated in my mind that I never really cried over.

I thought about all my demons from the past few days and how they’ve been eating away at my mind.

Even things that aren’t true or have any indication of being true, because that’s what anxiety does to you.

It eats away at your brain.

And suddenly I wasn’t crying over one thing, but so many other things.

It wasn’t like a good cry… is there such a thing?

It was like a dark, “I’m gonna go crawl in my hole” kind of cries. Because I really thought I was gonna go back to that 16 year old version of me who only felt insecure and worthless. She’s made only a few appearances this year (which is an achievement). But I didn’t revert to her.

The next day, I was actually really happy. I spent a day with my friends and I was okay.

I just think I needed to cry.

I needed to let it all out.

I just needed a moment to not pretend that I was okay and that everything was good.

Because it’s okay accepting that things aren’t okay.

And it’s always okay to cry. Who said it wasn’t?

It’s good to cry, it means you’re not holding anything in.

So maybe sometimes we don’t cry because of what just happened or because of one solid reason.

Maybe we cry when our “This is enough” gauge gets full.

Maybe we cry when everything becomes too much.

Maybe we cry when we don’t know what else to do.

Maybe we cry just to cry.

Advertisements

who’s Rebecca again? life update.

So… Where do I start?

Hi! It’s honestly hard to write an “I’m back” message without sounding cringey or too cliche.

I don’t know if anyone really remembers me, I mean it’s been like 6 months. It feels like a lifetime on my end.

But, hey, it’s Rebecca also known as hopelesslystrong.

Remember the last time I typed a couple of posts I just came back from an unplanned break and said I would try to be consistent?

Well… I completely failed and took another long break. But this has been the longest break I have ever taken away from my blog.

It wasn’t planned but at the same time, I could tell it was coming.

Not because of anything personal or anything I was just really busy at the time.

It was the last home stretch of my senior year of high school. So much was happening to me, mentally and physically, while I still had school and applying to colleges on my plate. I also had to study for exams because they were 4 months away. Prom, graduation, keeping up my grades.

Let me tell you, a lot has happened in these past few months.

Should I catch you up?

  • I turned 18 in December. I was still around by then but I never wrote a post about it.
  • I am NOT crushing on anyone. Phoenix is in the past. He turned out to be a lying jerk and I’m happier without him. But of course, some days are better than others. My overthinking is of course still there. And maybe that story will be something I talk about or don’t.
  • My friend started a personal Instagram for my singing. I’m still kinda working on it. But if anyone wants a mutual follow, just ask! It’s kinda weird seeing people I know on Instagram when before I only had a photography account (which is still thriving… just need to stop being lazy)
  • I kinda have an alter ego now. Her name is Bex. She’s kinda the Sasha Fierce to Beyonce. I transform into her in front of the camera and I’ve learned to embrace my inner beauty, not only in front of a camera but in my everyday life too. I started smiling with my teeth… which is something I was too self-conscious to do before.
  • I learned how to do my eyebrows. Which if you know me, is a big deal. I’ve wanted to learn ever since I began high school. I have this friend who taught me it all and just took me and my other inexperienced makeup friend shopping to figure out our shades and tones and it was really fun. I’d like to call myself an intermediate eyebrow artist lol.
  • I got a haircut in the middle of the school term which I’ve never one. I usually get them done during the summer. Plus, I cut it past m comfort zone, which is at my shoulders, and it was a change but it was nice to just start over.
  • I went to prom. I never planned on going to prom but the group of friends I befriended this year were actually real ones and one of my friends organized the whole thing from a party bus, to going to a restaurant, to going to IHOP at 3 am. But it was fun and a memorable night. And I definitely did not need a significant other to have fun. Screw that.
  • I graduated high school! My high school days are over!!! I am washed clean! Lol but graduation was nice. It was nice to have all my friends and family. I definitely felt like I accomplished something big. And I did because I made it through all the good and BAD times. It was a battle but onto college…
  • Please don’t ask me about college. I’m not sure at the moment. I still need to figure some stuff out.
  • My grandma passed away two weeks ago. I cried when all my extended family was at the hospital. But at the funeral, I didn’t. I said a poem to her at the funeral. I didn’t cry because I know I still have the memory of her with me forever. And, as a Christian, I know that it won’t be the last time seeing her. She was definitely the best and the most loving.

But yeah, basically while I was gone I just enjoyed the last days of high school… enjoyed… counted down… same difference. But it wasn’t all misery. I had fun with some real friends as the days counted down. With them, prom and graduation were fun. I felt loved and I was happy.

I took a week away from life when my grandma passed and now here I am.

I kinda hate the summer at the moment. I don’t really like long breaks because they tend to be boring and of course, that’s when the darkness seeps in. I haven’t really done anything this summer. I want to get a job so we’ll see how that goes.

But hopefully, this isn’t a quick hello and goodbye. I won’t promise anything I’m unsure of. So let’s see where this awakening back from the blogging depths take us. It’s really great to be back, how have you guys been?

banner-1176676_960_720

11.22.17 Ice Skating… Never Again

So why don’t we start with a positive story?

I was still kinda posting when this happened but I never wrote about it.

So this day was a half day because it was the day of Thanksgiving break. So my friends and I made a plan to go ice skating, and you know how in those high school movies there’s always that cliche hangout place that they have? Well, ours is downtown. Literally, anything is Downtown. You can’t go Downtown without seeing someone from school. All the teenagers go there to hang out. Well, Downtown has an ice skating rink. So we planned to go ice skating.

But like every teenager plan, this one wasn’t thought out completely. It was a last minute thing. So most of us were on edge whether we should go or not.

I went. One of our friends said she would go home first then come. Most of us went. Since it was a half day our lunch period was the last period of the day so we could just roam around the school. But one of our friend’s had classes during the last period so instead of getting on the bus Downtown we waited for her so she wouldn’t come on the bus alone.

When her class ended she went to the bus stop and we went to go meet up with her. So the funny thing is, she’s Phoenix’s best friend. If you don’t know who Phoenix is (click here) but I’m not friends with her because of that. She’s actually really chill and sweet. Since this was a few days after I told him I liked him, she asked me how it went. She was really sweet about the whole thing and helped me with my overthinking that day.

The bus took like 10 minutes to come. But two of my friends didn’t make it on and the bus driver was like wait for the next one. But our friend has this pact “No man left behind” so if they went out we all had to go out and wait for the next bus altogether. It’s a really sweet pact that they established before my best friend and I became part of the group.

So my friends and I just sat on the bus bench talking. We laughed a lot. I’m so blessed to have the friends that I have. I am also blessed to be short lol. This is one of the instances. Because two of my friends didn’t mind that I was putting my feet in one’s lap and resting my head on the other’s shoulder. Literally, they didn’t mind. Those are friends lol. Then another bus came after 20 minutes and it was crowded too. But we all made it on.

I didn’t plan on ice skating because I was sick and spending time outside really wasn’t the move for me. My other friend didn’t plan on ice skating either cause she was traumatized by it (her best friend cut his face with the blade once) so we went to chipotle together and our other friends decided to go to the ice skating place first. We both shared one burrito to save money lol.

After we both ate, we met our friends at the skating rink. They were lacing up their skates and told us that it would cost 14 bucks to skate. Fourteen. Well, I am like an influenced submisser (new world). If my friends persuade me enough, I will agree to literally anything. They don’t even have to do much. I honestly don’t know what even happened but it worked. I think my submissive influenced my traumatized friend to submit too.

Ok tying the laces was its’ own challenge in itself. My friend had to help me out. Our friends already started skating for 20 minutes before the both of us got there too.

Let me tell you… I knew I was gonna fall. But I didn’t know I was gonna fall the second I got on the ice.

Yes, you read that right. I fell the second I got on the ice. Sooner better than later, right? Lol blame it on my experienced skater friend, she said she got me but she did not have me.

She was the only one out of us who knew how to skate. Our other two friends were learning while holding onto the rail. I was struggling. Being on the ice is scary. It’s definitely not like roller skating. Cause… I don’t know ice is scarier. It’s already cold and the blades don’t really have a grip unless your feet are in the right position.

Dude, it’s even hard walking on the mat thing before getting on the ice. But once you get off the ice and onto the mat you realize it’s easier. But yeah I was struggling.

I was the slowest out of all my friends lol, I didn’t know how to ice skate but I got a little faster by the end.

I took a lot of breaks lol but I still had a lot of fun. Even though it felt like the 14 dollars was a scam. I paid 14 dollars for my suffering…

I think if we go ice skating another time I’ll be just like our other friend who came and just walked outside the rink with us cause she didn’t want to skate.

But yeah, the friends I made are actually friends. I have my own friend group and they’ve really been helping me. They’re the reason why this one certain thing (that story is coming soon PROMISE) isn’t getting to me because the happiness I experience with them is greater than any other happiness I was expecting out of that certain story and I’m just so grateful.

I’m grateful for all of the fake friends and bad relationships I’ve been through. Because if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t know the happiness of having friends would feel like. I wouldn’t be as grateful for the happiness if I didn’t go through the darkness first.

banner-1176676_960_720

2018: roses.

Am I posting consistently? Idk but that’s what it looks likeee.

Let’s not jinx it lol.

So today’s post was gonna be a story but before I tell the stories of what’s been going on in the past 2 months I wanted to just talk about what 2018 means to me.

It’s weird that this is going to be my starting post since the stories I have to tell you guys are mostly stories before 2018 began. But I think the mentality I have in 2018 will explain where I stand concerning the stories.

Confused yet? It’s okay I would be too.

So yesterday, when I said that when 2018 began it was like I opened a new book… I honestly wasn’t kidding. The minute 2018 began it’s like I could begin fresh. I could start over. I didn’t have to excuse the same crap I used to. I didn’t have to let fake people in anymore if I didn’t want to. I could stop talking to people who gave me anxiety.

Starting a new year was a regular cliche for me. It was as if I started being a new person.

Last year, I was obsessed with the moon. I mean I’ve always loved the moon. I started to put the little moon emoji on all of my social media accounts next to my name. The moon kind of became my icon.

But recently, I’ve been really obsessed with roses. Idk why lol.

I still love the moon- don’t get me wrong.

But as weird as this sounds, I think a rose describes the situation I’m in.

You’ll know more about that situation in probably a few days.

But for now, I’ll tell you that I had to let in this pain that I didn’t want to let in and I had to feel it and then choose to be happy.

I don’t know something about a rose… roses are just so beautiful but so deceiving at the same time.

Deceiving as in they’re pretty but they have thorns.

Like even with the thorns, the scars, it’s still beautiful. Through all the walls it might keep up, it’s still beautiful and it still grows.

Plus it might be because red is my favorite color lol.

So for 2018, I’ve been contributing my year so far to a rose.

The rose symbolizes my healing process.

It indicated that I chose to live…

that I chose happiness.

And I can make it through even when sometimes I don’t want to.

One of my favorite YouTubers has this clothing line with hoodies that have the phrase “good enough” with guess what by the words? A rose.

And on the pocket of the hoodie, it has the words “Growth begins with accepting yourself as enough.”

If that doesn’t scare you yet, he said this when posting about a re-stock of the hoodies: “Be yourself and know that that’s good enough.”

And that’s basically the mental state my mind has been in since the year started.

I want to be good enough, I want to accept myself, I don’t want to depend on someone else to tell me my worth.

I’m good enough.

That’s something I’ve been working on in 2018.

banner-1176676_960_720

stay tuned.

Let me be honest with you guys…

I honestly don’t know where this blog is headed.

In the past, I’ve used this blog as a platform for my feelings and thoughts.

But I haven’t used it in a long time.. because I don’t really need it anymore.

Why?

Because I have friends who I can honestly vent to.

I didn’t have that in the past.

But I do now.

But this blog… I don’t want to give up on it cause it’s a piece of me.

It’s been my rock sometimes when I’ve wanted to give up.

Basically it was the one thing I held onto sophomore year.

I’m not capable of giving up on it.

But you know, life gets in the way sometimes.

But I don’t want to use the excuse of time because there are moments where I’m free and bored when I could be doing something productive like working on my music or writing a blog post *cough cough*

But you know those days when you don’t have inspiration or feel like you have nothing to say?

I’ve felt like that.

But boy, do I have a BUNCH of stories for you guys. I’ve learned so much in the past 2 months.

And one of the reasons I made this blog is to be able to look back at who I was and see how much I’ve grown.

I’ve found out who’s really there for me, how other people can have other intentions, how nothing lasts forvever, how choosing to be happy and focusing on the positive can change your life for the better.

Starting 2018 was really like opening a new book for me. I’m not letting the old bullshit get to me. I’m working on myself.

And yes, I’m not happy all the time. I still go into my depressive hole for reasons I don’t understand sometimes. But I’ve learned it’s okay when that happens. Because I might need to feel the rain first before the sunshine.

So lol where am I going with this?

I just wanna say that no, I haven’t given up on this blog and stories are coming soon that I need to type out. But no promises because nothing is sure and let’s be honest, I get distracted and lazy lol.

But we’ll see, okay?

How are you guys doing? Any stories?

If anyone wants to contact me or anything let me know, I’m more active outside my blog and I’ll love to catch up.

But yes, stay tuned!

2017 Lessons

I know, I know. I kinda keep disappearing. But I’ve been doing this post at the end of the year since I started this blog and who would I be to break tradition?

So, are you ready?

Here’s what I’ve learned this year:

  • Yes, change hurts. But in the end, it really is good for you.
    • At the beginning of this year, I remember the transition of my first semester of my junior year into the second semester was really heartbreaking. Because I made really good friends first semester that I had to say goodbye to. The worst thing was when I had the same class, same teacher, same period… but it was different because no one that I knew was there. It was like a trippy alternate dimension. The change of that was really hard to get over. But by the time second semester, I had so many good friends that I love and trust. It was heartbreaking change but in the end, it was fine.
  • Things aren’t in your control. It’s not your fault.
    • I remember I used to blame myself because of this one situation that involved my best friend. I didn’t go with her somewhere and she got hurt emotionally. I blamed myself because I didn’t go with her. But it’s not my fault. Things happen the way they do to others (ex. your family, friends, etc.) because they have lessons life is teaching them too. You aren’t God. It’s not in your hands. It’s not your fault.
  • Once you take a jump, it gets easier.
    • I BEGAN TO DRIVE ON THE ROAD AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS YEAR. And look at me now, I drove a van packed with my friends. We went on the freeway… twice. I used to be petrified of driving and now it’s better. I still get freaked here and there I’m not an A+ driver. But I don’t get too anxious anymore.
  • Friendships don’t last forever. And that’s okay. Nothing lasts forever.
    • This one, I had to learn the hard way. And the worst part is, it wasn’t only one occurrence. I lost a good amount of friendships this year. I’m still struggling with the “don’t blame yourself” part. Because I still do that. But it takes two to make a friendship (or more if we’re talking about a group friendship). If you’ve done all you could, cared so much for them and they didn’t feel the same way about you… what can you do? If it feels like you’re a weight to someone, make it easier for them. Sometimes cutting people out is for the best. If someone was holding onto your legs as you tried to fly wouldn’t you shake them off? Save the caring for someone who deserves it and will treat you better. It’s not your fault. Sometimes, the best things come back to us. And if they don’t, it’s not what was best for our lives.
  • Parents don’t do certain things to spite you.
    • I’ve understood more about parents, not only mine but others. Sometimes it seems like parents are punishing us more so than loving us and wanting us to be happy. But sometimes they just want to see us safe, they want us to achieve higher. But never doubt that your parents want you to be happy. More than anything.
  • Choose happiness.
    • This is the phrase I uttered over and over the other day when I was in one of my holes. To be honest, it was hard not being dragged into a darker tunnel but somehow that phrase made it easier. No, it’s not easy to choose happiness when your mind is involved. But happiness doesn’t take one easy step. A lifetime of difficult for a lifetime of happiness.
  • You can be wrong about someone.
    • Also learned this one the hard way. You might feel like you know a person, you might’ve even started to get to know them and think you have their mentality figured out. Then they pull the rug out from under you and leave you lost. Someone doesn’t stay the same way forever. The person who used to give you incomparable happiness can become the person who gives you the worst overthinking.
  • Don’t base your worth on numbers.
    • You are worth more than a number. If you were a number, you would be infinity. Because measly numbers can’t define your worth and the amazing person that you are.
  • God is always with me (Religious lesson)
    • I know, not everyone here is religious but this is my own personal lesson. I had to keep reminding myself that even in my lowest places, God was there to pick me up. And he wouldn’t give me life just to see me want to die.
  • Don’t let opinions make you mad.
    • Everyone has a personal opinion. They have their own beliefs, rights, etc. Don’t fight someone on theirs. Try to see it from their point of view and don’t be angry about it. We wouldn’t all be who we were if we weren’t different from each other.
  • It’s not cliché to love yourself.
    • It’s actually the best love you can have. How do you expect to love someone else if you can’t even love the person staring back at you?
  • Yes, anxiety can ruin a relationship but the other person should be able to understand.
    • If they don’t, don’t keep them in your life. It only becomes a burden trying to make them understand something that goes over their head.
  • Hurt and pain is a part of life.
    • I wouldn’t know what joy would be like without strife. I wouldn’t be humble. Yes, it’s going to hurt. But it’s going to hurt for the better.
  • Hope isn’t hopeless.
    • You can rise. Even out of your darkest moments. The rain can’t last forever.
  • YOU will always be your biggest fan.
    • No one will ever support you more than yourself. You’re your own number one fan and worst enemy. You’re the only person who knows what’s going on in your life. All your stress, your fears, your hopes, your dreams, your everything. Don’t hate the one person who can and will always love you no matter what.
  • The impossible is possible.
    • I had so much anxiety over college applications and not being accepted into the colleges I want to go to. But guess what! I got accepted into all the colleges I wanted to go to. I had intense anxiety for nothing. It is possible.
  • Everything can change in a mere day.
    • So much can happen. Don’t be dragged into a cycle because the unexpected can jump out at you.
  • Emotions aren’t weak.
    • They only remind you that you’re human. And you have to remember to feel your emotions, and remember not to shut yourself out.
  • It’s not wimpy to scream.
    • If you need help, tell someone. It doesn’t show weakness, it shows strength. It shows that you want to get help and want to be taken out of the current state you’re in. People don’t always have the best time reading signs.
  • Don’t read into signs/signals.
    • Signs/signals do not come out of the person’s mouth, they come out of your mind’s presence involving the situation. Do not solely build your beliefs on signals. Sometimes a person can be fake and your mind can be wrong.
  • You can’t open up to everyone.
    • And that’s okay. The people you can open up to will be there for you.
  • Words don’t make a person, actions do.
    • Woh, I big thing I learned this year is that someone can say a ton of bullshit that means so much to you that actually has no meaning for the other person. Words are great. But they aren’t reliable, how they treat you with their actions is what’s important. Remember, people can put on such a facade when they’re texting you.
  • A setback doesn’t have to be a setback.
    • I remember one time, my friend and I were supposed to go see a school play. So we went to school Saturday night but the tickets were sold out. So instead we went to get dinner and we went to my friend’s house and watched a movie. The setback actually seemed better than our ordinary plans. Sometimes a setback can be a path for another opportunity.
  • The future isn’t scary.
    • This year alone, I applied to college(s), got my license, took the SAT, became a senior and turned 18. Growing up seems scary but it’ll be okay.
  • If someone has treated you like shit in the past, they’ll keep treating you like shit.
    • Does this need an explanation? Even if you tell them they’ve been hurting you they’ll continue to hurt you, even if it’s unintentional.
  • Don’t blame yourself for your emotions/feelings.
    • You’re only human.
  • Fighting isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.
    • Fighting for your life is so hard. But think about the end result.
  • Yes, you can talk to that person
    • Whether it be your crush or an authority figure. I remember before this year I was so scared of my counselor. I never said a word to him and never visited him. But I’ve actually talked to him more than once this year and it isn’t as bad as my mind concocted. He helped me with my schedule and made sure that my doubts about the college process were dealt with.
  • Something can mean so much to you, but not to the other person.
    • And that’s okay. It only makes you who you are.
  • Don’t put others on a high pedestal if they don’t deserve to be there.
    • Save it for someone who deserves it and is worthy of it.
  • Anxiety can be worked through.
    • I took small steps to conquer my anxiety. It wasn’t anything big that was able to take it away but it was little things. They might not be life-changers but trust me, once you took a small step to conquer it, you’ll feel amazing after it’s done.
  • You can move on from moments of deep darkness.
    • You can. It won’t be easy but no one ever said it would be. It takes time to heal scars but it’s okay, you’re not alone.
  • Don’t force a relationship if your thoughts and perceptions of the person are what you have to believe in instead of the person itself.
    • If the person doesn’t show you who they really are then what’s making you stick around?Don’t stay just to be burned.
  • You don’t have to be “chill” all the time.
    • If something utterly pisses you off, let it piss you off.
  • Love is more than just blood.
    • I realized this year that family is just a title if the love isn’t really there. Love is love. It shouldn’t be because you happen to be related and share the same blood.
  • IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO SOMEONE SAY IT. DON’T PLAY NO GAMES.
    • This year, I told my crush I liked him. It was the first time I did something like that. I honestly couldn’t have done it if my friends weren’t there for me. But I literally went through a year of feelings for nothing. I could’ve told him the truth sooner. It could’ve saved SO MUCH time. So trust me, if you have something to say to someone say it. People don’t really read signs all that well. Life is too damn short, yes I’m saying that cliche. But really, it’s not the end of the world. You’ll make it through.
  • You are enough and you don’t need a significant other to prove that.
    • No explanation for this one either.

That’s all! That’s probably not all the lessons I’ve learned, but those are the ones from my blog this year. And I’m gonna copyright myself from last year when I say this but: Remember that even though it might seem like 2018 can’t get here fast enough (it’s already here lol), remember the experiences that have made you different from the person you were in 2016. Yes, 2016. Ew. Remember that year? Lol. Dang, that’s 2 years now, I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I do that.

Happy new year guys! Cheers to us for making it through!

banner-1176676_960_720

poem: pretty girl trying.

10.20.17

Pretty girl trying

Twirling around

Flowers in her hair

Wants to be found

No one to call

No one to look for

All she has left

Is a scar on her big toe

Making use of the time she has left

Pretty girl trying

Jumping over cracks

Grass on her sleeves

Wants to look tough

No stars to wish on

No wishbones to break

Just a cloud to hope for

While she washes away

Tell me your story

Give me something new

So that the pretty girl trying

Isn’t the only one who feels like dying

banner-1176676_960_720