What can I say?
How do I say it?
The universe wants to kick me around.
The book doesn’t want this chapter to end.
I don’t know.
All I know is that seeing him after a month of not talking to him affected me.
And a lot has happened in 2 and a half weeks.
Do you want me to catch you up?
Ok hold on because this is a damn rollercoaster ride… but I assure you, it will be over soon.
Yes, this is about Phoenix. Honestly, what isn’t nowadays?
It’s the second day of school. I didn’t see him at all on the first day. Honestly? I felt sad about that because I wanted to see him. I wanted him to see me. There was even a part of me that wanted him in one of my classes… and guess what? That actually happened.
But sometimes the things you want aren’t actually what you need.
He was in my precalculus class. This is second period. But it was the first period of the second day because our school alternates periods. When he walked in… it was like everything inside of me froze. I didn’t really realize what was happening until it was happening that yes… he was actually sitting there. And guess where he sat? Two head spaces in front of me. I didn’t want him to know I was there but then again I did. I don’t know… he turned around once to look at everyone and it’s weird because if he saw me he would’ve said something, the class was kinda small. I don’t really know what happened but I’m glad he didn’t say anything that day.
One of my friends was in that class but I didn’t sit next to her because the seat next to her was taken. But at the end of class, she saw me and we had a conversation which saved me from any confrontation from him. Thank goodness. But of course, my overthinking was all over the place because I would have a class with him for the rest of the semester.
Then the next time we had precalculus, I sat next to my friend. And another one of my friends was there and she was sitting in front. So it was nice to have the two of them there. He came in late and he hardly ever turned around. But apparently our school had a fire drill, but our classroom was in this portable away from the school because there are too many students in our school. We never heard the fire drill sound. The sound was supposed to come over the intercom that was connected to the portable but it never sounded. So our teacher had our own “class” fire drill. He called everyone’s names and when the teacher called my name… Phoenix turned around to look at me. But I just avoided his look and talked to my friend. But it didn’t last forever. In order to get out the portable, to walk to the field for the “fire drill” I had to walk past him because his seat was in the direction of the door. And I don’t know why, but he didn’t leave. All the people in his row left, but he just kept standing behind his desk. So it would’ve been very awkward to just pass by him. So when I walked to the door I turned and looked at him and he was smiling at me. I see that he was ready to say something to me, he would’ve probably said something about me not saying anything to him because it looked like he was ready to joke around with me. But I wasn’t having it. I just “smiled” back at him and left to the field. Then at the end of class, he said, “See you next class” with a smile. I don’t know why I was expecting him to say more or anything. Maybe we could walk back to school together? No.
I expected too much when I was head over heels for him, I expected too much now.
But it pissed me off. We hadn’t talked for a month. A month. And he doesn’t know that anything is wrong? Did he even notice I’ve been gone and haven’t been talking to him? Did he even care? No. Because every day of that month I waited. I waited for some indication that he cared and there was none. None. Nothing. So what now? Is he just supposed to care now? Now that I’m in his class and we see each other? How can someone be so oblivious? But of course, I knew he wouldn’t think twice about my reactions: I never even said a word to him… I just smiled. He would just think I’m being “shy.”
The weekend goes by and our next class together is Tuesday. Unbeknownst to him but knownst (? Lol) to me. Because I got a schedule change.
Trust me, his presence was affecting me but I didn’t switch my schedule because of him… but it’s a damn good factor. I took a single period of AP Biology instead of a double period and it turned out to be a big NO. Single period AP Bio is mostly individual work. The teacher never even started class until 10 minutes in. You do most of the teaching to yourself. So I was like “Nope I’m out” because I always procrastinate. I literally studied the first chapter all in one night. So I had to go to my counselor to get a schedule change. The only available periods were 1 and 2, or 3 and 4. I already didn’t like my 1st period, chorus, because I have no friends and the friend I do have had sooo many friends. Plus I can’t even hear myself singing in chorus and I don’t think singing in a group is for me. I didn’t care about my 3rd period either way. But my 4th period… one of my real friends was in that class and I didn’t wanna lose her. So it was either losing her or losing him. I didn’t think twice about it. Okay, I did because of my overthinking… but it wasn’t a hard decision. Also, the friend in my 4th period… let’s call her Lyra, was also in that period 1 and 2 class. And my best friend told me that Phoenix was n her double AP Bio class for periods 3 and 4 so again it was between Lyra or Phoenix.
I ended up switching to 1 and 2 AP Bio meaning I wouldn’t see him anymore because the class period we had together was during 2nd period.
I questioned life at this point. Like really? What even was the point of that? Was he just in my class for it to be taken away? OR did that whole thing happen for me to want to see him and then WANT to have that opportunity be taken away? I don’t know. Either way, it was going to be my last class with him.
To be honest? I was prepared. I wanted to not see him anymore. Because I knew that I would be nice to him and forgive him along the way and I knew I wasn’t okay with that.
It was a Tuesday. He came in late again. Nothing really happened. But at the end of class, he again took a long time to pack up and leave and remember how the door was near him? Yeah. So I had to pass by him. I even parted my hair to the side to avoid his eye contact… lol I know, it was a dumb move. He said “Hi Rebecca” and this literally broke my heart. Not because of what you think. He smiled. The smile I fell for. And I smiled back. But that’s what broke me. My smile. My own smile broke me. Because I knew deep down it hurt to smile back at him. I knew it wasn’t a real smile. I could see he was going to say more but I had to leave. So I just turned, smiled, and left. It broke my heart, yes, but switching my schedule comforted me. Because all he was going to give me was a “hello.” And I needed more than a hello. The schedule change is what I needed.
But I guess he sensed something was wrong or something? Since I just smiled and left. Because later that night, he texted me.
I made a kik for one of my friends in order for her to talk to me. And I guess he still has my phone number even though I deleted his. Because kik can sync your contacts and the day I made one I see that someone added me. And I didn’t know how kik worked and I was curious who it was so I accepted the chat later realizing that it was him. But he didn’t talk to me the day I made it. So that Tuesday, I changed my profile picture and he sends me “You looking at the height requirement for the rollercoaster ride?” He always makes jokes about my height. I don’t want to sound egotistical or anything but I looked GOOD in this picture lol. I didn’t want to say anything to him but the sass in me wouldn’t let that go. So I said, talking about his profile picture, “You stuck in a maze trying to find good jokes?” Because the picture he had showed the back side of his body (that’s why I didn’t really recognize him when he added me) walking who knows where and it looked like a maze.
Afterwards, I decided my responses would be distant. I just couldn’t let him make fun of my height without coming for his life. Then he says a string of short jokes and I just say “Ok.” This is where things turn frustrating. He then asks me “Are you upset?” But he was only talking about the short jokes not like he cares about my real life. I tell him “Because of your short jokes? Lol no.” And he says “Good. You’ve grown!” And I tell him “Your jokes have to be good for them to hurt.”
And then all of a sudden he switches up the conversation? He then asks me “How’s school?” Where is he going with this? Since when does he care? He doesn’t. I just say stressful. He asks me what’s stressful about it and I just say “It’s school, everything’s stressful.” This is the day we had the same class together. Because neither of us responds in 10 minutes or less. I would, but he doesn’t deserve that. So our conversation spread out over a few days.
Honestly, I didn’t think he would notice I wasn’t in class because he doesn’t turn around. But he asked me, “Did you miss school or did you skip?” I tell him, “No I had a schedule change.”I think the teacher called out my name in class because my friend from the class told me that the teacher “missed me” and was like “Where’s Rebecca?” lol. Phoenix asks me “Was my presence that unwelcoming?” And I said “Yep, very”
The other day I saw him in the hallway and this was during the texting. I try to avoid him but this was after the late bell rang so the hallways weren’t crowded. He says hi and I just look at him and smile. It’s so awkward. Because here I am texting him but I’m not able to say anything to him in person. I don’t even like virtual him. But he won’t think twice about it because he loses focus.
I started to do that thing again. Back when I was used to him texting him daily and I would check my phone just to see if he texted me back yet. I DON’T EVEN WANT TO DO THAT. Because our conversation is literally nothing. But this time, whenever I turn on my phone to look at the time or anything my mind is always like, “Did he text back? Did he text back?” I just needed him to go away. But I know deep down, I didn’t want that.
Not having a class with him anymore was supposed to be the end. Why. Is. This. Damn. Chapter. Still. Going. On?
I really hated giving him one-word replies. I thought that I would be able to handle it or control it but… nope. I lost my resolve. But that’s later in the story.
At this point, I don’t know if he still has a girlfriend. Or if he ever even got one in the summer. But it doesn’t matter if he does or doesn’t… he still broke my heart. The “girlfriend” was just the breaking point.
So our conversation on kik wasn’t anything. You know how I said I was starting to get used to him texting me back? Well the last thing I sent him was “Yep” and he hadn’t responded to it yet. Because believe it or not, he was replying faster than me. But a day passed and he still didn’t reply.
Then I see that he posted something on his snapchat story and he said, “Almost got pulled over today.” I really wanted to tell him “I told you so.” Because he drives without a permit sometimes and I told him not to. I didn’t really see responding to his story as a “bid deal.” But looking back, I shouldn’t have. But it hurt. It hurt again when he didn’t respond to my kik yet even though, what was he going to say to a simple yep?
I got caught in again.
I responded to his story saying, “Almost should be deleted.” Apparently, his story was apart of this game like “You shouldn’t have responded to my story now you’re in the game and you have to put one of these on your story…” It gave a list of options from 1 to 10. For example, 1 was “I got pulled over.” 2 was “I broke up with him/her.” Etc. I didn’t do it because it’s really dumb. I told him I like 6 (“I’m gonna fight him tomorrow”) and 8 (“I’m so done with him”). He says, “Did I ask you what your favorite number was or something?” That really pissed me off. Because really? I don’t care if you don’t wanna hear it, I’m gonna say what I want. So I say, “Do I care whether you asked or not? I’ll say what I want.”
We have like three conversations at once but they were short. I didn’t want to say too much. After a text back he says, “I’m in the middle of your two favorite numbers.” In between 6 and 8 is 7, right? We got our math straight, right? Lol. So I looked up and saw what 7 was and it said, “We’re finally dating.” Of course, I didn’t think anything of this but my heart did. But my heart knew deep down that he meant nothing out of that. He just said it to say it and that pissed me off knowing that he can just play with my feelings not even caring that it actually has an effect. To that, I say, “Your ego is too big. You would be dating yourself.” He said, “I am dating myself. I didn’t find anyone compatible.” That. Hurt.
He didn’t find anyone compatible? What about for the past few months and what we had? I literally listened to him and was there for him when I let him rant for one hour about a fake friend. I opened up to him and he did the same and so many other things and he says he couldn’t find anyone compatible? But I put down the hurt in the moment.
I didn’t tell any of my friends about him texting me again because honestly? Our conversation wasn’t really anything. Only one of my friends knew. Then I told Lyra who’s also friends with him. The same day I told her, she put me on her snapchat story and she told me he responded to the story about me. The next day on a Tuesday, she showed me the conversation. He asked her, “You two have the same class together?” He didn’t know I had a class with her when I switched. They had a short conversation then she brought the conversation back to me for some reason. She asked, “You still talk to her (me)?” Even though she already knew the answer. He says “Talk like what exactly?” She was like “Talk like friends? Unless you mean something else. Is there something else?” She sent him like four questions/messages about it but he only responded to one of the messages.
Up until this point, I was so mad at him that literally anything involving him made me mad and reminded of how he treated me during the summer. How he didn’t give two shits about me. And never showed me that he cared that I was gone or even noticed.
But this momemt changes that all: He sends Lyra “Nah she got somebody.” Meaning he thought I had somebody. But I have nobody. That was funny to me because helloooo it’s me. But I. Don’t. Know. Why. This gave my heart hope. Maybe because he didn’t say “Nah I don’t see her in that way” but he didn’t say that he did either. He just thought I had someone.
But that day my heart was so hopeful and for a second I went back to Junior Rebecca finding hope in signs again. Does he like me? Lyra assured him that I had no one and he said, “Lmao what are you the love doctor or something?” And is it weird that after he got those messages from Lyra he responded to my messages that I thought he would leave on read?
My heart was all over the place and I don’t know why. All he talks about are short jokes. All the damn time. I don’t mind short jokes but for that to be all that’s left? Then he said “Your height hurts me.” I asked him why. He says, “Your words never match up to your height” because I’m sassy all the time I guess. So I say “Idk maybe if you stop coming for my height I would be nice to you.” He asks, “So if I’m nice you’ll be nice?” I say, “Idk. We’ll see.”
And then he reverted back to the good morning’s and the how’d you sleep? He sent this at 6 am so he just woke up or something. THIS is the “him” I fell for. The him I wanted back. The one I’ve been waiting for. But… it doesn’t seem real. I don’t know why. It is real, but it isn’t. I told one of my friends this, it’s like a daydream when you know everything’s not real but you don’t care either way. But really, what’s happening? The past is legit repeating itself. How can he just do that? Like nothing happened in the past month…? Well according to him nothing did happen.
But his tone is just different. He doesn’t sound like he used to when he said good morning. I asked him “Are you being fake?” and he said “No I wasn’t” But it just seems like it is. It’s like life is giving me the guy I want back but again he’s not.
One of my friends told me I can either do two things: Slowly stop talking to him gradually or tell him the truth. I can’t act like nothing’s happened and revert back to how things were last year. I don’t want the cycle to repeat itself because I KNOW he’s just going to do something that hurts me in the future. The future? Please, he’s hurting me now.
But I keep having this feeling where I can feel like the truth is gonna come out, sooner or later. I think I’m going to tell him the truth. Whether he cares or not. Because if I continue this conversation like nothing has happened I’m lying to myself telling her that I can handle it if we’re just friends. When I know that’s such a lie.
After our second hang out, I remember complaining to my friends about it telling them I’m so deep in the friendzone. Lyra was like, “Do you want to tell him?” But I know I didn’t want to tell him. Because I didn’t want to ruin such a good friendship and freak him out. But now? It’s like I already lost him. Freaking him out, I don’t even care if I do anymore. Because whoever that good friend was is gone.
Seeing him in person has definitely affected me. He’s still aesthetically pleasing to my eyes and whenever he smiles… it’s not the same feeling I used to drown in but it’s still something I get in my heart. But if I saw him for a long time, like when we were in the same class, all I could think towards him was “I hate you.” But if I see him in the hallway I would break. But I haven’t seen him at all in the past week so that’s good, right?
Him saying stuff like “I’m between your two favorite numbers” and “She got somebody” pulled me back in. That’s the kind of stuff that gave me hope in the impossible in the past and I can’t keep waiting around. I won’t. I’m not going to wait around hoping that one day he’s going to say he likes me. That’s not fair to myself.
I know if I let him in again (which I haven’t done yet) I’m gonna LET HIM IN and I can’t do that because he is 100% gonna hurt me.
I sort of made Lyra meddle into the whole situation. I thought her meddling would fix the problem and prove whether he likes me or not. But that isn’t fair to her to figure this bs out.
Even if she does meddle how do I know that, if he does like me, he only does because Lyra told him I have no one?
I don’t want him to like me because it’s convenient for him.
If he likes me he should tell me. Not say some stuff that sounds like he could possibly like me.
Lyra told me, “I think overall he’s just being playfully flirtatious. Which is what a lot of guys seem to do these days. And I don’t know why it took me so long to see it.” We both didn’t see it because we both thought he was being genuine. He just plays around flirtatiously with his friends. And that’s all that is to it.
I’m contemplating whether I should tell him the truth or not. And by this, I mean the whole truth. But being like he is, he opened my messages and left them on read and it’s been 24 hours. I don’t want to say he left me on read because sometimes I think he does that but he responds later. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want him to respond. Because once he does respond, things are going to change. Plus, if he doesn’t respond this just proves the person that he is. Always leaving me on read wondering what I did wrong like I even did something wrong. I didn’t. I never did. I was such a good friend to him. I tamped down my feelings because I cared about him. I cared about him. So much. I wished him happy birthday when he disregarded my messages. I let him go on and on about soccer and even said I would go to one of his games when I don’t even like sports. I would’ve done so much for him. I did do so much.
But he never did enough. And I deserve better.