No, Not Even Friendships Are Safe

As someone with anxiety, I can say this with enough evidence, “We tend to overthink a lot.”

Situations, relationships, moments, anything you can think of.

It’s not rare when a new interest pops up in your life and you can’t help but overthink…

E V E R Y T H I N G.

Take a normal crush right? The average person thinks of them a lot in a day. Now, take that and add in overthinking. I mean there’s overthinking with a crush and overthinking with a crush, with anxiety.

(I’m considering the fact that you talk to your crush and don’t just stare from a distance lol)

You overthink their actions, the way they talk through text, how they really feel about you (whether they care or not), whether you’re bothering them or not, if you’re talking too much, if it doesn’t show too much that you care too much… or you’re worrying it does show too much, if their jokes actually hold a double meaning, why they looked at you during a certain moment, etc.

I think that’s a basic summary of it (because there’s so much more).

It’s hell.

But I”m not interested in anyone as of right now so my overthinking would seem like it’s simmered down a little bit, right?

Wrong.

It’s like my overthinking has moved onto my friends.

I mean, for me, there’s overthinking in friendships at the beginning. Of course there is. Because you’re unsure if the friendship is more than giving homework answers and classroom jokes.

So that’s normal.

But when it comes back after that, “Wow, they’re a real one” moment has LONG passed… it gets suspicious.

I realized this started happening after I stopped liking someone. But it started around a time where I got scared of life… which is right now.

I’m anxious about all my friendships.

I just got out of high school and in college. Nothing is certain.

I can think of one friend who stuck with me from kindergarten and we didn’t go to high school with each other. But we’re still strong. But everyone isn’t her…

Storytime.

I think maybe my subconscious was preparing and scared to leave high school. I started feeling a certain way toward my friend, Lyra. I’ve talked about her before. She’s a real friend. She’s the same person who let me hang out with her friend group during a fire drill when I felt like I didn’t belong. She made sure I felt included.

Yet, my mind started focusing on things that she started to do. Losing focus, not feeling important to her, not feeling like I belong in her life. Because Lyra has a lot of people in her life. I mean not all of these things were mental, most of the things I was mad at her about were things that actually happened.

Like she ditched me at a gym, we weren’t able to take pictures together at prom because she was with her other friends, we were supposed to watch a movie together but she saw it without me, I didn’t even know she saw it until a couple of days later, and a lot of other things.

It was just really messed up. It wasn’t messed up what I was doing but what my mind was doing. The thing is I didn’t even know what my mind was doing.

I don’t know how to explain it but it was like I was jealous. But that doesn’t make sense because I know how much I mean to her. But seeing her with other friends and taking pictures with them, it was like there was this hole in my heart. Because it felt like it’s so hard for the two of us to hang out AND take a simple picture. But she does it with these other people and it’s like… wow. But I know I’m special to her and she loves me. But my mind was twisting so much.

And I didn’t know what was happening.

So I didn’t tell her. And this feeling started in April and school ended in June. I knew she could tell something was going on but what could  I tell her? My mind is being stupid?

This is the same person I told everything too. Now I felt like I couldn’t.

What happened?

My mind, that’s what happened.

And nothing, no one feels safe in my mind.

Because there’s always an overthinking and overbearing thought about someone.

But thank goodness for Lyra.

She didn’t give up on me.

I could tell her all the things I’m feelings even negative things, saying I need space. And she’ll understand.

AND she won’t walk away.

I still question why she hasn’t walked away.

But she’s not the guy I used to like who said he would be there for and ultimately wasn’t, and she’s not any of my fake friends.

She understands my mind and my anxiety. She understands all my feelings and accepts me as the person I am, no matter how much I hate things like this that come in the way of friendships.

I think, if anyone else feels this way, we just need to hold on to all the Lyra’s in our life. Or we should wait for the Lyra’s of our life.

And know that even if we have these thoughts, those people should be there to lift those thoughts from our overbearing minds.

And if they don’t,

then our minds were right. 

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friends?

I’m not sure about anyone in my life. 

This phase of my life is so weird.

Slowly transitioning into college but still fresh out of high school.

And I find myself feeling lost.

I mean there are a lot of reasons I feel lost but the one I want to focus more on is friends.

If I think about last year and compare it to now… a lot of people have left.

Or I’m not as close to people as I thought I would be.

And it’s affecting me.

You know, today, I was in one of my school buildings where the library is. I was downstairs. So I climbed up the stairs and as I was climbing up I saw one of my old friends. But her back was turned towards me and she was walking away.

I was walking behind her (like 8 feet away) but in a completely different direction. I could’ve yelled her name or something but I didn’t.

Why?

Because we’re not who we used to be.

I’ve never heard from her since the summer and the one time I saw her at school was the first week of school. And she basically insulted me… but that’s who she is. That part didn’t bother me. What bothered me was that she didn’t seem interested to talk to me or see how I was doing. She talked to me for maybe 30 seconds and then left.

And I don’t know.

This is basically a summary of how I feel about anyone and everyone: I don’t know.

I don’t know about my relationships.

Everyone has their own life to live.

But I used to be able to hang out with so many different people sometimes and now…

I don’t want to sound ungrateful.

Because there are people I have that are there for me.

But I’m scared.

Because I’m just thinking about how one day they might leave like everyone else. Or I’m depending on them so much that the moment they let me down or something, I’ll lose it.

And I know I shouldn’t base my happiness or anyone but myself, but my friends really do make me happy.

I cherish my friends so much.

But… my anxiety and overthinking is getting out of control.

This is the spectrum:

The true friends: I’m scared they’ll leave, I’m burdening them, or they’ll let me down

The half-friends: There are friends in my life where it feels we’re only meeting each other halfway and I’m trying to put my trust in them but they’ve let me down before and I’m still scared.

The I don’t even know if we still are friends: The ones I don’t meet up with or talk to often. And I feel bad for wanting more because I know they might be busy. or might not want to socialize as much… but I need more.

And it’s such a weird place I’m in than I was a few months ago… I felt like less of a burden to ask others for advice and to tell someone a story. Now, those same people I used to ask, I’m scared of asking or telling. Things are so different.

So many of my relationships feel like they’re burning out or close to a fire and I want to save them but how can I save them when the other person has no interest?

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scared.

This was what I was afraid of.

Being in this position.

Telling you how I felt and neither one of us able to fix it.

Feeling like there’s an incoming end to our story.

Unsure if we can go back to who we once were.

I know people aren’t meant to be in our lives forever.

But I don’t want to lose you this soon.

It’s not time to let go.

But I’m at two sides of the spectrum.

You make it hard for me to hold on when the rope you have me on is being pushed further and further away from you.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know if time will heal any wounds.

I don’t know if you’re going to change.

And all this uncertainty is the last thing I want to make you aware of.

Because you’ll give me the promise of empty words.

And I need more.

And maybe I ruined us

or maybe we were destined to be ruined.

Maybe this will make us stronger.

Or pull us farther than we ever want to be from each other.

Why is it so hard for two people who know they care about each other to work things out?

I pray to God hoping for a solution.

But it all seems impossible.

I’m scared.

Because I don’t know where this will lead.

I don’t want to lose you.

But I don’t want to keep getting hurt either.

And it’s like this a cruel game of chance.

Who do I care about more, you or myself?

Would I rather pretend I’m not getting hurt for the sake of our friendship?

Or do I tell you, risking everything, not knowing where we end up from here on out?

Will things return to how they used to be after a few weeks?

Will you be able to catch me up on the things I’ve already been missing out on for the past three months?

Or will I always picture myself running after you when you’re already miles away?

Gone already.

Running after a bad connection.

Risking my heart.

Deceiving myself that I can handle so much.

And my friend was right when she said the chance of losing a friendship is worse than any heartbreak over a guy.

Is space enough?

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m o r e.

Have you ever seen those tweets where it says “The best kind of friendships are the ones where you could be gone for a year or not talk to each other for a long time and things will still be good between the both of you?”

(This is a summarization of those tweets, I forgot what it said word-by-word.

Is it weird that I wouldn’t be able to do this?

Maybe you’ll tell me I don’t know the feeling yet cause I just got out of high school and into college so my friends haven’t started their individual lives yet.

But my anxiety makes it so that anyone who stops talking to me doesn’t want to associate themselves with me anymore.

Does that make me petty?

Does my anxiety make it so that the tweet above can’t be something I can ever do?

I mean maybe I could. I might be able to trust it with my two childhood friends but one always makes sure to update me and the other, I see all the time.

So I’m not sure I could ever do what’s said above.

Does that make me any less human?

Is it something I have to accept?

Should I apologize for needing consistency?

Okay, I’m not talking about day-to-day updates… that’s too much for a person to uphold.

But at least a check in once in a while making sure the other person is okay.

That’s understandable, right?

Maybe my anxiety is to blame.

If there is a blame.

It’s just, I overthink too much, a doubt in my head is the last thing I want.

At least someone I know will be there at the end of the day if I ever need anything.

Someone I could tell all my fears to and they won’t judge me.

Someone who doesn’t “ghost” themselves for unknown reasons.

Like I understand busy.

I’ve been busy.

I am busy.

But too busy to check in?

And then to have months and months to pass by and still hear nothing?

I wouldn’t be able to vibe with that, I’m sorry.

I would need more.

And that’s just who I am.

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deep thoughts: crying

Have you ever cried where the thing that set you off isn’t actually the reason you’re bawling your eyes out?

Let me explain…

A couple of days ago, I cried when something happened.

At the time, I knew I was crying for a stupid reason.

The thing I was crying about was a misunderstanding and I had a feeling someone would help me out and they did.

But I still bawled over this stupid reason.

Myself, knowing, that it was in fact stupid.

I kept crying.

In fact I just laid in bed crying and thinking while listening to music.

Where’s the part where I make a point?

Don’t worry I’m getting there.

I realized that I wasn’t crying over what happened…

I was crying over things that accumulated in my mind that I never really cried over.

I thought about all my demons from the past few days and how they’ve been eating away at my mind.

Even things that aren’t true or have any indication of being true, because that’s what anxiety does to you.

It eats away at your brain.

And suddenly I wasn’t crying over one thing, but so many other things.

It wasn’t like a good cry… is there such a thing?

It was like a dark, “I’m gonna go crawl in my hole” kind of cries. Because I really thought I was gonna go back to that 16 year old version of me who only felt insecure and worthless. She’s made only a few appearances this year (which is an achievement). But I didn’t revert to her.

The next day, I was actually really happy. I spent a day with my friends and I was okay.

I just think I needed to cry.

I needed to let it all out.

I just needed a moment to not pretend that I was okay and that everything was good.

Because it’s okay accepting that things aren’t okay.

And it’s always okay to cry. Who said it wasn’t?

It’s good to cry, it means you’re not holding anything in.

So maybe sometimes we don’t cry because of what just happened or because of one solid reason.

Maybe we cry when our “This is enough” gauge gets full.

Maybe we cry when everything becomes too much.

Maybe we cry when we don’t know what else to do.

Maybe we cry just to cry.

Pretty Bird #2

Sing your ballad,

sing your song.

Let the whole world march to your drum.

Don’t be scared,

don’t shy away.

Pretty bird show your wings.

Pretty bird tell them things.

Soar across the sky like a silhouette.

Be unsurpassable.

Extraordinary.

Let them wonder and stand agape,

at the beauty that you withhold inside.

Soar with ease and grace.

Don’t be struck down,

don’t let anyone tear you apart.

If something strikes, strike back.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t.

Prove that you can.

Use your wings to fly higher.

Higher than this earth allows.

Until you reach the cloud that holds your dreams.

That’s when you know,

you’ve made it.

«Music Friday»

  • Hurts like Hell by Fleurie

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the flower bud.

She was a flower bud before she met you.

She hadn’t blossomed yet.

She was too scared.

Everyone else was growing beautiful flowers, while she couldn’t even manage to grow a single petal.

She was waiting for something… someone.

Then she met you.

She grew a liking to you.

You weren’t perfect but nobody ever is- that’s what she liked about you.

Your head wasn’t in the mirror, your heart was in the clouds.

You told her your dreams, your passions, you gave her you.

And in return she gave you herself: she showed you her fears, her doubts, her darkness.

Her happiness.

Which you are definitely a part of. You’re not the sole reason to her happiness, but you’re enough.

Through all of this, she blossomed.

As she opened up to you, her flower bud also opened up.

You gave her the sun.

You made her come out of her shell.

You made her bloom into the flower that she is.

She grew beautiful petals staring straight into the sun.

Bees shared her essence with the rest of the garden.

Her happiness was contagious and she seemed happier to her friends.

She was happy.

You made her happy.

You made her open up.

You made her bloom.

But then, you left for a while.

And she found out she wasn’t the only special one in your bouquet of flowers.

When she found that out, she wilted a little.

A few petals fell, rotting to a crumbled beauty on the floor.

She’s still a flower- but with valued petals missing.

And the sad thing is, you never notice.

You don’t realize that her happiness is a mask of sadness now.

Because you showed her you and she showed you her, but that didn’t seem to matter as much to you.

You know it was hard for her to open up, she was a bud when she met you.

And now it just seems like you don’t care anymore.

You built her up, you helped her blossom to what? Just bring her down and make her wilt in the end?

Now whenever you come near, she loses petals.

Why?

Because she’s scared.

She’s still scared.

You made her blossom and open up, but that doesn’t mean her doubts are gone.

She’s still vulnerable.

She’s scared that she’ll never amount to the other flowers in your bouquet.

She’s scared that one day you’ll just leave.

And then what’ll happen?

She’ll lose all her petals and wilt until she’s no more?

She’ll be no more because you’re gone?

Wrong.

Yes, she’ll be hurt. But she won’t lose purpose because you’re gone.

You did make her bloom but there were other factors as to why she bloomed.

She bloomed because she was able to trust her judgment.

She bloomed because she chose to be happy without being scared.

She bloomed because she was ready.

So no, she’s not here because of you, she’s here because of her.

You’ve only shown her that she’s capable of happiness and if you were to leave she would still be capable of that happiness.

Like I said before, you’re not the sole purpose of her happiness.

If you were to leave she will be able to survive without you.

She’ll still be able to bloom without you.

She won’t wilt- she’ll only grow.

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