As someone with anxiety, I can say this with enough evidence, “We tend to overthink a lot.”
Situations, relationships, moments, anything you can think of.
It’s not rare when a new interest pops up in your life and you can’t help but overthink…
E V E R Y T H I N G.
Take a normal crush right? The average person thinks of them a lot in a day. Now, take that and add in overthinking. I mean there’s overthinking with a crush and overthinking with a crush, with anxiety.
(I’m considering the fact that you talk to your crush and don’t just stare from a distance lol)
You overthink their actions, the way they talk through text, how they really feel about you (whether they care or not), whether you’re bothering them or not, if you’re talking too much, if it doesn’t show too much that you care too much… or you’re worrying it does show too much, if their jokes actually hold a double meaning, why they looked at you during a certain moment, etc.
I think that’s a basic summary of it (because there’s so much more).
But I”m not interested in anyone as of right now so my overthinking would seem like it’s simmered down a little bit, right?
It’s like my overthinking has moved onto my friends.
I mean, for me, there’s overthinking in friendships at the beginning. Of course there is. Because you’re unsure if the friendship is more than giving homework answers and classroom jokes.
So that’s normal.
But when it comes back after that, “Wow, they’re a real one” moment has LONG passed… it gets suspicious.
I realized this started happening after I stopped liking someone. But it started around a time where I got scared of life… which is right now.
I’m anxious about all my friendships.
I just got out of high school and in college. Nothing is certain.
I can think of one friend who stuck with me from kindergarten and we didn’t go to high school with each other. But we’re still strong. But everyone isn’t her…
I think maybe my subconscious was preparing and scared to leave high school. I started feeling a certain way toward my friend, Lyra. I’ve talked about her before. She’s a real friend. She’s the same person who let me hang out with her friend group during a fire drill when I felt like I didn’t belong. She made sure I felt included.
Yet, my mind started focusing on things that she started to do. Losing focus, not feeling important to her, not feeling like I belong in her life. Because Lyra has a lot of people in her life. I mean not all of these things were mental, most of the things I was mad at her about were things that actually happened.
Like she ditched me at a gym, we weren’t able to take pictures together at prom because she was with her other friends, we were supposed to watch a movie together but she saw it without me, I didn’t even know she saw it until a couple of days later, and a lot of other things.
It was just really messed up. It wasn’t messed up what I was doing but what my mind was doing. The thing is I didn’t even know what my mind was doing.
I don’t know how to explain it but it was like I was jealous. But that doesn’t make sense because I know how much I mean to her. But seeing her with other friends and taking pictures with them, it was like there was this hole in my heart. Because it felt like it’s so hard for the two of us to hang out AND take a simple picture. But she does it with these other people and it’s like… wow. But I know I’m special to her and she loves me. But my mind was twisting so much.
And I didn’t know what was happening.
So I didn’t tell her. And this feeling started in April and school ended in June. I knew she could tell something was going on but what could I tell her? My mind is being stupid?
This is the same person I told everything too. Now I felt like I couldn’t.
My mind, that’s what happened.
And nothing, no one feels safe in my mind.
Because there’s always an overthinking and overbearing thought about someone.
But thank goodness for Lyra.
She didn’t give up on me.
I could tell her all the things I’m feelings even negative things, saying I need space. And she’ll understand.
AND she won’t walk away.
I still question why she hasn’t walked away.
But she’s not the guy I used to like who said he would be there for and ultimately wasn’t, and she’s not any of my fake friends.
She understands my mind and my anxiety. She understands all my feelings and accepts me as the person I am, no matter how much I hate things like this that come in the way of friendships.
I think, if anyone else feels this way, we just need to hold on to all the Lyra’s in our life. Or we should wait for the Lyra’s of our life.
And know that even if we have these thoughts, those people should be there to lift those thoughts from our overbearing minds.
And if they don’t,
then our minds were right.