scared.

This was what I was afraid of.

Being in this position.

Telling you how I felt and neither one of us able to fix it.

Feeling like there’s an incoming end to our story.

Unsure if we can go back to who we once were.

I know people aren’t meant to be in our lives forever.

But I don’t want to lose you this soon.

It’s not time to let go.

But I’m at two sides of the spectrum.

You make it hard for me to hold on when the rope you have me on is being pushed further and further away from you.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know if time will heal any wounds.

I don’t know if you’re going to change.

And all this uncertainty is the last thing I want to make you aware of.

Because you’ll give me the promise of empty words.

And I need more.

And maybe I ruined us

or maybe we were destined to be ruined.

Maybe this will make us stronger.

Or pull us farther than we ever want to be from each other.

Why is it so hard for two people who know they care about each other to work things out?

I pray to God hoping for a solution.

But it all seems impossible.

I’m scared.

Because I don’t know where this will lead.

I don’t want to lose you.

But I don’t want to keep getting hurt either.

And it’s like this a cruel game of chance.

Who do I care about more, you or myself?

Would I rather pretend I’m not getting hurt for the sake of our friendship?

Or do I tell you, risking everything, not knowing where we end up from here on out?

Will things return to how they used to be after a few weeks?

Will you be able to catch me up on the things I’ve already been missing out on for the past three months?

Or will I always picture myself running after you when you’re already miles away?

Gone already.

Running after a bad connection.

Risking my heart.

Deceiving myself that I can handle so much.

And my friend was right when she said the chance of losing a friendship is worse than any heartbreak over a guy.

Is space enough?

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deep thoughts: crying

Have you ever cried where the thing that set you off isn’t actually the reason you’re bawling your eyes out?

Let me explain…

A couple of days ago, I cried when something happened.

At the time, I knew I was crying for a stupid reason.

The thing I was crying about was a misunderstanding and I had a feeling someone would help me out and they did.

But I still bawled over this stupid reason.

Myself, knowing, that it was in fact stupid.

I kept crying.

In fact I just laid in bed crying and thinking while listening to music.

Where’s the part where I make a point?

Don’t worry I’m getting there.

I realized that I wasn’t crying over what happened…

I was crying over things that accumulated in my mind that I never really cried over.

I thought about all my demons from the past few days and how they’ve been eating away at my mind.

Even things that aren’t true or have any indication of being true, because that’s what anxiety does to you.

It eats away at your brain.

And suddenly I wasn’t crying over one thing, but so many other things.

It wasn’t like a good cry… is there such a thing?

It was like a dark, “I’m gonna go crawl in my hole” kind of cries. Because I really thought I was gonna go back to that 16 year old version of me who only felt insecure and worthless. She’s made only a few appearances this year (which is an achievement). But I didn’t revert to her.

The next day, I was actually really happy. I spent a day with my friends and I was okay.

I just think I needed to cry.

I needed to let it all out.

I just needed a moment to not pretend that I was okay and that everything was good.

Because it’s okay accepting that things aren’t okay.

And it’s always okay to cry. Who said it wasn’t?

It’s good to cry, it means you’re not holding anything in.

So maybe sometimes we don’t cry because of what just happened or because of one solid reason.

Maybe we cry when our “This is enough” gauge gets full.

Maybe we cry when everything becomes too much.

Maybe we cry when we don’t know what else to do.

Maybe we cry just to cry.

Pretty Bird #2

Sing your ballad,

sing your song.

Let the whole world march to your drum.

Don’t be scared,

don’t shy away.

Pretty bird show your wings.

Pretty bird tell them things.

Soar across the sky like a silhouette.

Be unsurpassable.

Extraordinary.

Let them wonder and stand agape,

at the beauty that you withhold inside.

Soar with ease and grace.

Don’t be struck down,

don’t let anyone tear you apart.

If something strikes, strike back.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t.

Prove that you can.

Use your wings to fly higher.

Higher than this earth allows.

Until you reach the cloud that holds your dreams.

That’s when you know,

you’ve made it.

«Music Friday»

  • Hurts like Hell by Fleurie

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the flower bud.

She was a flower bud before she met you.

She hadn’t blossomed yet.

She was too scared.

Everyone else was growing beautiful flowers, while she couldn’t even manage to grow a single petal.

She was waiting for something… someone.

Then she met you.

She grew a liking to you.

You weren’t perfect but nobody ever is- that’s what she liked about you.

Your head wasn’t in the mirror, your heart was in the clouds.

You told her your dreams, your passions, you gave her you.

And in return she gave you herself: she showed you her fears, her doubts, her darkness.

Her happiness.

Which you are definitely a part of. You’re not the sole reason to her happiness, but you’re enough.

Through all of this, she blossomed.

As she opened up to you, her flower bud also opened up.

You gave her the sun.

You made her come out of her shell.

You made her bloom into the flower that she is.

She grew beautiful petals staring straight into the sun.

Bees shared her essence with the rest of the garden.

Her happiness was contagious and she seemed happier to her friends.

She was happy.

You made her happy.

You made her open up.

You made her bloom.

But then, you left for a while.

And she found out she wasn’t the only special one in your bouquet of flowers.

When she found that out, she wilted a little.

A few petals fell, rotting to a crumbled beauty on the floor.

She’s still a flower- but with valued petals missing.

And the sad thing is, you never notice.

You don’t realize that her happiness is a mask of sadness now.

Because you showed her you and she showed you her, but that didn’t seem to matter as much to you.

You know it was hard for her to open up, she was a bud when she met you.

And now it just seems like you don’t care anymore.

You built her up, you helped her blossom to what? Just bring her down and make her wilt in the end?

Now whenever you come near, she loses petals.

Why?

Because she’s scared.

She’s still scared.

You made her blossom and open up, but that doesn’t mean her doubts are gone.

She’s still vulnerable.

She’s scared that she’ll never amount to the other flowers in your bouquet.

She’s scared that one day you’ll just leave.

And then what’ll happen?

She’ll lose all her petals and wilt until she’s no more?

She’ll be no more because you’re gone?

Wrong.

Yes, she’ll be hurt. But she won’t lose purpose because you’re gone.

You did make her bloom but there were other factors as to why she bloomed.

She bloomed because she was able to trust her judgment.

She bloomed because she chose to be happy without being scared.

She bloomed because she was ready.

So no, she’s not here because of you, she’s here because of her.

You’ve only shown her that she’s capable of happiness and if you were to leave she would still be capable of that happiness.

Like I said before, you’re not the sole purpose of her happiness.

If you were to leave she will be able to survive without you.

She’ll still be able to bloom without you.

She won’t wilt- she’ll only grow.

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11.22.17 Ice Skating… Never Again

So why don’t we start with a positive story?

I was still kinda posting when this happened but I never wrote about it.

So this day was a half day because it was the day of Thanksgiving break. So my friends and I made a plan to go ice skating, and you know how in those high school movies there’s always that cliche hangout place that they have? Well, ours is downtown. Literally, anything is Downtown. You can’t go Downtown without seeing someone from school. All the teenagers go there to hang out. Well, Downtown has an ice skating rink. So we planned to go ice skating.

But like every teenager plan, this one wasn’t thought out completely. It was a last minute thing. So most of us were on edge whether we should go or not.

I went. One of our friends said she would go home first then come. Most of us went. Since it was a half day our lunch period was the last period of the day so we could just roam around the school. But one of our friend’s had classes during the last period so instead of getting on the bus Downtown we waited for her so she wouldn’t come on the bus alone.

When her class ended she went to the bus stop and we went to go meet up with her. So the funny thing is, she’s Phoenix’s best friend. If you don’t know who Phoenix is (click here) but I’m not friends with her because of that. She’s actually really chill and sweet. Since this was a few days after I told him I liked him, she asked me how it went. She was really sweet about the whole thing and helped me with my overthinking that day.

The bus took like 10 minutes to come. But two of my friends didn’t make it on and the bus driver was like wait for the next one. But our friend has this pact “No man left behind” so if they went out we all had to go out and wait for the next bus altogether. It’s a really sweet pact that they established before my best friend and I became part of the group.

So my friends and I just sat on the bus bench talking. We laughed a lot. I’m so blessed to have the friends that I have. I am also blessed to be short lol. This is one of the instances. Because two of my friends didn’t mind that I was putting my feet in one’s lap and resting my head on the other’s shoulder. Literally, they didn’t mind. Those are friends lol. Then another bus came after 20 minutes and it was crowded too. But we all made it on.

I didn’t plan on ice skating because I was sick and spending time outside really wasn’t the move for me. My other friend didn’t plan on ice skating either cause she was traumatized by it (her best friend cut his face with the blade once) so we went to chipotle together and our other friends decided to go to the ice skating place first. We both shared one burrito to save money lol.

After we both ate, we met our friends at the skating rink. They were lacing up their skates and told us that it would cost 14 bucks to skate. Fourteen. Well, I am like an influenced submisser (new world). If my friends persuade me enough, I will agree to literally anything. They don’t even have to do much. I honestly don’t know what even happened but it worked. I think my submissive influenced my traumatized friend to submit too.

Ok tying the laces was its’ own challenge in itself. My friend had to help me out. Our friends already started skating for 20 minutes before the both of us got there too.

Let me tell you… I knew I was gonna fall. But I didn’t know I was gonna fall the second I got on the ice.

Yes, you read that right. I fell the second I got on the ice. Sooner better than later, right? Lol blame it on my experienced skater friend, she said she got me but she did not have me.

She was the only one out of us who knew how to skate. Our other two friends were learning while holding onto the rail. I was struggling. Being on the ice is scary. It’s definitely not like roller skating. Cause… I don’t know ice is scarier. It’s already cold and the blades don’t really have a grip unless your feet are in the right position.

Dude, it’s even hard walking on the mat thing before getting on the ice. But once you get off the ice and onto the mat you realize it’s easier. But yeah I was struggling.

I was the slowest out of all my friends lol, I didn’t know how to ice skate but I got a little faster by the end.

I took a lot of breaks lol but I still had a lot of fun. Even though it felt like the 14 dollars was a scam. I paid 14 dollars for my suffering…

I think if we go ice skating another time I’ll be just like our other friend who came and just walked outside the rink with us cause she didn’t want to skate.

But yeah, the friends I made are actually friends. I have my own friend group and they’ve really been helping me. They’re the reason why this one certain thing (that story is coming soon PROMISE) isn’t getting to me because the happiness I experience with them is greater than any other happiness I was expecting out of that certain story and I’m just so grateful.

I’m grateful for all of the fake friends and bad relationships I’ve been through. Because if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t know the happiness of having friends would feel like. I wouldn’t be as grateful for the happiness if I didn’t go through the darkness first.

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2018: roses.

Am I posting consistently? Idk but that’s what it looks likeee.

Let’s not jinx it lol.

So today’s post was gonna be a story but before I tell the stories of what’s been going on in the past 2 months I wanted to just talk about what 2018 means to me.

It’s weird that this is going to be my starting post since the stories I have to tell you guys are mostly stories before 2018 began. But I think the mentality I have in 2018 will explain where I stand concerning the stories.

Confused yet? It’s okay I would be too.

So yesterday, when I said that when 2018 began it was like I opened a new book… I honestly wasn’t kidding. The minute 2018 began it’s like I could begin fresh. I could start over. I didn’t have to excuse the same crap I used to. I didn’t have to let fake people in anymore if I didn’t want to. I could stop talking to people who gave me anxiety.

Starting a new year was a regular cliche for me. It was as if I started being a new person.

Last year, I was obsessed with the moon. I mean I’ve always loved the moon. I started to put the little moon emoji on all of my social media accounts next to my name. The moon kind of became my icon.

But recently, I’ve been really obsessed with roses. Idk why lol.

I still love the moon- don’t get me wrong.

But as weird as this sounds, I think a rose describes the situation I’m in.

You’ll know more about that situation in probably a few days.

But for now, I’ll tell you that I had to let in this pain that I didn’t want to let in and I had to feel it and then choose to be happy.

I don’t know something about a rose… roses are just so beautiful but so deceiving at the same time.

Deceiving as in they’re pretty but they have thorns.

Like even with the thorns, the scars, it’s still beautiful. Through all the walls it might keep up, it’s still beautiful and it still grows.

Plus it might be because red is my favorite color lol.

So for 2018, I’ve been contributing my year so far to a rose.

The rose symbolizes my healing process.

It indicated that I chose to live…

that I chose happiness.

And I can make it through even when sometimes I don’t want to.

One of my favorite YouTubers has this clothing line with hoodies that have the phrase “good enough” with guess what by the words? A rose.

And on the pocket of the hoodie, it has the words “Growth begins with accepting yourself as enough.”

If that doesn’t scare you yet, he said this when posting about a re-stock of the hoodies: “Be yourself and know that that’s good enough.”

And that’s basically the mental state my mind has been in since the year started.

I want to be good enough, I want to accept myself, I don’t want to depend on someone else to tell me my worth.

I’m good enough.

That’s something I’ve been working on in 2018.

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stay tuned.

Let me be honest with you guys…

I honestly don’t know where this blog is headed.

In the past, I’ve used this blog as a platform for my feelings and thoughts.

But I haven’t used it in a long time.. because I don’t really need it anymore.

Why?

Because I have friends who I can honestly vent to.

I didn’t have that in the past.

But I do now.

But this blog… I don’t want to give up on it cause it’s a piece of me.

It’s been my rock sometimes when I’ve wanted to give up.

Basically it was the one thing I held onto sophomore year.

I’m not capable of giving up on it.

But you know, life gets in the way sometimes.

But I don’t want to use the excuse of time because there are moments where I’m free and bored when I could be doing something productive like working on my music or writing a blog post *cough cough*

But you know those days when you don’t have inspiration or feel like you have nothing to say?

I’ve felt like that.

But boy, do I have a BUNCH of stories for you guys. I’ve learned so much in the past 2 months.

And one of the reasons I made this blog is to be able to look back at who I was and see how much I’ve grown.

I’ve found out who’s really there for me, how other people can have other intentions, how nothing lasts forvever, how choosing to be happy and focusing on the positive can change your life for the better.

Starting 2018 was really like opening a new book for me. I’m not letting the old bullshit get to me. I’m working on myself.

And yes, I’m not happy all the time. I still go into my depressive hole for reasons I don’t understand sometimes. But I’ve learned it’s okay when that happens. Because I might need to feel the rain first before the sunshine.

So lol where am I going with this?

I just wanna say that no, I haven’t given up on this blog and stories are coming soon that I need to type out. But no promises because nothing is sure and let’s be honest, I get distracted and lazy lol.

But we’ll see, okay?

How are you guys doing? Any stories?

If anyone wants to contact me or anything let me know, I’m more active outside my blog and I’ll love to catch up.

But yes, stay tuned!