I’m Back… Hopefully

You’re reading that right.

So I don’t know if anyone’s noticed if I’ve been gone or if anyone remembers who I am. I’ve been gone longer than I… planned? expected? I never really planned or expected to actually be “gone.” I think the term “taking a break” would fit better.

Like I said I never really expected or planned to be gone or to take a break. But days just turned into weeks and then weeks turned into a month.

During the time that I left, I was going through some crappy feelings and I felt like I needed to sort that out. Because I didn’t just want to keep posting about some guy… I felt like that was… dumb? I just felt like the content of my blog would be downgraded if I talked about the same subject (Phoenix). And I know it’s my blog I should feel free to talk about whatever I want but it didn’t feel like that during the time that I left. It just felt like my job was to please people.

So I needed to take time away from posting, from the likes, from the follows, from everything. I needed to talk to my friends about him. I needed to not make my situation into a blog post because it didn’t help.

(If you’re interested in what did help this situation then, please keep reading.)

Because blogging didn’t help I thought that maybe I should stop making blog posts… Yes, I actually considered it. Because as weeks went by I didn’t really find myself wanting to go back to writing blog posts and I don’t know why… One of the reasons why I made a blog is because I wanted to get my feelings and thoughts out there and it helped. But if it couldn’t help me with Phoenix and that whole damn thing could it ever help me again? What was the point if writing out my feelings couldn’t help me anymore?

But then I forgot the other reason that I started this blog. Because it’s been like my diary. I wanted a place I could go to where I could remember everything that has happened to me and all I’ve been through. So hopefully one day in the future I can be like “Wow, I made it through.”

Today, I was scrolling through my old blog posts because I needed to find some poems to enter into this scholarship program and I found myself looking at all these stories and all these emotions and feelings and it’s. all. there.

What?

Me. I’m here. I’m there. My feelings. My emotions. My thoughts. They’re all here. There are so many pieces of myself on this blog. Not only that but who I am is here in this blog. And I don’t think I can let hopelesslystrong go. I couldn’t give this up. I couldn’t let this go. I forgot how much I could say without feeling the need to hold back.

Plus I don’t think I would be able to make that goodbye post and say goodbye to those of you who have been there to always make me smile (I would probably ask you guys for another way of communication so we would be able to talk) But still it wouldn’t feel the same to say goodbye to hopelesslystrong.

So I’m trying this again. And hopefully, this will be a new beginning for hopelesslystrong. And I knowwww I feel like I should have a new theme or a new background or something. But I’m pretty happy with my background so no drastic changes to my site lol. Just a new start, mentally, for this blog. So… a lot has happened since I’ve been gone:

Hopelesslystrong turned 2 years old! I’m so proud of this blog and what it’s done, not only for me, but for what it has done for others (e.g. when people tell me that my posts teach them something new). Being gone has made me appreciate this blog more and I want to say thank you to every one of you who have kept me strong because I could never be here without you guys.

The whole Phoenix thing is resolved. We’re friends again. I had to let go of the “chapstick thing” No, trust me he’s a good guy. During that whole time, he wasn’t talking to me and I wasn’t talking to him I had a lot of doubts and the one question that bothered me so much was Did it even faze him that we weren’t talking? Well, he told me that when someone is quiet with him then he’s quiet too and loses focus… I know that might sound like some confusing shh-tuff (my attempt at trying not to curse) it was confusing to me too, but he’s a good friend. Yeah, friend. He’s not really a good person to fall for though. Even though my heart might beg to differ. I mean I don’t think you would want the person you’re falling for to say that they were losing focus over you and your friendship together. But other than that, we hung out together after school and it was honestly so nice. We went to this huge library and just talked. We talked about our lives, our pasts, our fears, anything and everything and it was so nice. We talked for maybe 4 or 5 hours. It was just nice to feel happy without overthinking about it. But trust me, I’m a football thrown into the friendzone.

I took the SAT!!!! And I survived it!!! I honestly don’t know how. I burned my brain the week beforehand studying and my eyebags has eyebags. I don’t know how I did but I feel okay about it. I did what I could and I’m okay with it. I’m just happy I survived (really thought I wouldn’t make it out alive… okay stop being overdramatic Rebecca… I’m sorry)

I have no idea about college applications. That sentence didn’t even make sense. All that sentence means is college apps = ew. That whole thing is on my shoulders and I’m trying to take a college credit class but I’m kind of on uneasy terms with my dad and he’s the one I have to talk to about taking the class. I asked him and he said he would think about it but he hasn’t told me anything. I’m on uneasy terms with him because he wants me to be a doctor but… no, thank you. I cannot be held responsible for someone else’s life and I hate being around sick people. I already have the worst immune system ever. I’m thinking of majoring in forensic science and having a minor in music because I can’t let go of my dream. I also have a bunch of anxiety thinking of asking my teachers for recommendation letters and going to my counselor to talk to him about this.

Andddd…. it’s the last week of school this week! And honestly, I’m really ecstatic and scared at the same time. Happy because yessssssss I very much want this stress to be over. Also, I might get my license over the summer but I’m so anxious to take the test. But scared because I don’t know how many of you read my posts during spring break but if you did you would know I had the worst spring break ever. I was so mentally broken down. Because I never got out of my house and I hated seeing these same four walls and I really don’t want that to be my summer. I don’t want to have a boring summer, that might seem like something overdramatic like who cares if you have a boring summer? It just mentally breaks me down being and doing the same thing over and over again. I’m also scared because of the friends I’ve made this year. I think you might know where this conversation is leading. Fake friends. I think I can pretty much tell the “friends” who are going to turn into fake friends. But actually being extremely close to the possibility that the people I’ve made as friends are going to leave me in the dust make it all so tiring.

I thought that if there was a possibility that this come-back post was, in fact, going to happen that I would be in a happy place. But I’m honestly not in a happy place. I’m stressed and tired and I want to just give up sometimes.

But then I remember the small amount of people who have always had my back. I remember all those other times I wanted to give up but didn’t and there’s a reason I didn’t. Because I’m curious. I’m curious as to what my future has in store for me. Yes, even though school is going to be over, college decision-making is still going to be on my back and that stresses me out to no end. But I’m taking it one day at a time. And I know that God won’t let me down. My faith isn’t something I want to doubt or let go of. I think I’ve done that too many times before in the past.

So that’s what’s been happening to me in the past month, how have all of you been? I honestly hope you’re doing good. I’ve missed you guys so much! Hopefully, with everything on my plate, I’ll still be able to make blog posts because nothing is better than the feeling of typing endlessly not having to hold back on anything.

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A Setback Doesn’t Have to Be a Setback

This previous Saturday, my best friend and I planned to go to our school’s reenactment of “The Wizard of Oz.”

So we asked our parents, got ready, and went to school on a Saturday night.

When we got to the school there was a line of people buying their last-minute tickets. Of course, even though we were students, we were those last-minute people. Lol I blame it on our Indian genes.

I didn’t think that there would be a problem buying our tickets right before it started because we’ve done it before and we got into the auditorium- so why wouldn’t it work this time?

Well, long story short, the tickets got sold out because there were no seats left in the auditorium. It was the last showing of the play, I guess everyone waited until the last show date to see it.

Of course, my heart sunk. Me: with the un-surprised shock of being let down was ready to crawl into my dark hole and call this night a failure. But, my best friend couldn’t care less. She wanted to go see the play last week, but she wasn’t feeling it this week. Honestly her not caring saved the night.

While I was all hopeless and disappointed she said that we should just go get some hot chocolate from McDonald’s and have a movie night. Maybe even watch the new Beauty and the Beast movie.

So we did do exactly that. We went to McDonald’s and got some dinner and then went back home and watched 2 movies.

Concerning this night, I thought of the tickets being sold out as a setback while my best friend saw it as an opportunity to have a movie night, one we haven’t had since the summer.

A setback doesn’t necessarily mean a setback. Yes, things might not have turned out the way I planned but isn’t spontaneity better?

If my best friend and I did get the last two tickets, they would’ve been either far away from the stage or far away from each other.

Honestly, having a conversation with my best friend in McDonald’s, helping her with her anxiety of crossing the street, walking in the dark together finally getting a sense of freedom and independence, having a short dance session with Spotify, laughing and commenting as we watch the movies, and spending time together feels better than sitting in our school’s auditorium hardly talking to each other struggling to see a play.

A setback seems horrible at first; I was ready to go into my darkness as soon as I registered the words “Sold out” but I didn’t. Because a setback just turned into an opportunity.

And you can make setbacks into opportunities. 

Try thinking outside of the box. Stop planning every waking moment of your life. Be open to spontaneity and setbacks. You never know, they could lead to happiness. Pure happiness.

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numbers.

Why do we base our worth on silly numbers?

Our worth should be based on how I think about myself, how you think about yourself.

But our worth depends on how high our numbers are

And we all do it:

The amount of likes we get.

The amount of followers we have.

The amount of views we receive.

How old we are compared to others.

The percentages of our grades.

The score we got on a test.

Wow… it’s kind of hard not to base our worth on numbers… considering that they’re literally dominant everywhere.

But you’re not that number.

That number doesn’t label you.

It can’t define who you are.

Sure, that number might be on your report card but it doesn’t define your intelligence.

That number doesn’t get to label how many people care about you.

That number is not you.

Your brain could literally hold so much knowledge that a mere piece of paper couldn’t even compare with it.

You are not the number that you constantly stress over.

Numbers are that… just numbers.

They aren’t you or your personality.

You have the potential.

You have the drive.

You have the strength.

Don’t let a silly number tell you who or what you are.

You are you, and you will always be you.

A number cannot define you.

You’re greater than a number.

Even if you don’t believe me, numbers do change.

If you were a number, you would be infinity.

  • IN·FIN·I·TY (noun)
    inˈfinədē/
    • a number greater than any assignable quantity or countable number

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Should “Crazy” be an Adjective?

I don’t think that it should be.

I hate when people call other people crazy.

I mean I don’t mind if it’s a humorous situation and it’s just your friends saying it as a joke about yourself.

I hate it when oblivious people use it as an adjective to label someone they don’t even know.

Especially towards someone with a mental illness.

I mean it’s just so rude.

That person absolutely has no idea what goes on in the “crazy” person’s mind. Who are they to judge?

I just don’t think that crazy should be an adjective anymore. I  mean sure, there might be some unbelievably crazy people out there, but I don’t think that any of them should be labeled as purely crazy.

Everyone has a history, a story, a reason.

Just like I believe that things happen for a reason, people are the way they are for a reason.

It’s unfair when an ignorant person labels someone else as “crazy.”

What are your thoughts?

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happiness

What is happiness?

Is it a feeling?

Is it an emotion?

Is it a gift?

Is it something that I can have?

A little girl unwraps her birthday present.

That’s happiness.

A little boy gets pushed on the swings.

That’s happiness.

Someone so small doesn’t even think of the depths of this emotion.

In this department, little kids are very smart.

They don’t think about it too much, so they can achieve it.

They achieve a happiness most of us can hardly fathom, why? Because they don’t over analyze their happiness.

But when we were kids we didn’t even consider happiness and the real depth of it. We just believed happiness was a smile and a fun play day.

Why is it so hard to get happiness now?

I used to think that the only way I could receive happiness was to just be patient, happiness would be destined in my future, when I meet the love of my life and am working at the job that I love.

But there was a flaw in that way of thinking: Does that ultimately mean I can’t be happy now, in the present?

That thinking was stupid. That thinking could compare to someone waiting outside on a sunny day with an umbrella because they’re waiting for it to rain.

Happiness isn’t something you wait for, it’s something you can get now.

It’s something you’re grateful for.

It’s looking at the life you have and finding the small pieces of it that are great and being unfazed by the bad pieces.

Happiness can be found now. It is not only something that was found in your past, or something you hope for in your future. It’s something you can get now.

It just needs to be found under all that rubble and debris.

It’ll take a whole lot of time, but it’ll be worth it. It is not impossible.

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My Little Thankful Note

I might not be happy all the time

I might not see a reason to be cheerful every day

It’s hard for me to see the good in life without the bad

But today on this commemorating holiday I want to give thanks to the extended family that God gave me

Things might not always be perfect whenever I’m around them, it might not even be all that happy either

But whenever I’m in a room celebrating with my extended family I know that I’m loved

I know that we’re together, we’re celebrating and that’s all that matters

Today my older cousins were talking about how fast time passes by on the topic of me being in 11th grade and all of them couldn’t believe it

Then they recalled visiting me in the hospital the day I was born and I didn’t even realize they thought of stuff like that

So I’m just thankful that even though the crappy moments I know that every holiday season I’ll have this extended family that’ll never believe how old I get

That’s all that matters today

Life might not be perfect with them, but being with them reminds me of the love that surrounds me

The love my anxiety tends to forget

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You DON’T Need Affirmation to Feel Proud of Yourself

Sometimes, as punishment, teachers tell their students who have disobeyed to write a single phrase over and over and over again. Like “I was wrong” or “I will not interrupt during class again.” The point of this was that the disobedient student will get so tired of writing the same phrase over and over again it will get so annoying and physically excruciating they won’t do the bad thing they did again.

In a similar way, I want to tell you a phrase that should be burned into your brain, not because you did something bad or good. You just NEED to hear this:

We don’t need affirmation from people to feel proud of ourselves or of our accomplishments.

Yep bold and underlined, that’s how you know it’s really really important.

I always look for affirmation in others which just lead me to getting hurt because I expected too much.

The other day, my friend and I were doing this separate art thing where we drew anything that we wanted. My friend is known for having the art bone infused in her body, while I definitely do not. So I wanted to draw a girl crying, and I tried so hard. Not to sound cocky or egotistical, but I thought that my eye and the teardrops were actually pretty good. So when I asked my friend, “Does this look good?” She just nodded her head seemingly uninterested, “Yeah it looks fine.” And this made my opinion of it go from “Wow it actually looks pretty good” to “Is it that bad?” Then 10 minutes later she asked me how a drawing of her hand was, she looked for affirmation in me. Could I give it to her?

But why is it that when we feel good about something we need to look for our opinion in others? Why isn’t our own opinion enough?

Well there are a lot of answers to that.

But we’re not focusing on that, we’re focusing on the fact that we never feel good enough about our self or our accomplishments.

We always search for verification of:”Is it good enough?” “Did YOU like it?”

Why does it matter so much to us what they think?

No, of course it’s not bad to ask for other’s opinions of your work, but you shouldn’t depend so much on THEIR opinion that it becomes YOUR opinion.

If you were proud of it at first, YOU SHOULD STAY proud of it. No matter what they said.

What matters is your opinion.

What if we took this in the other direction. Instead of seeking favor of our accomplishments, what about favor of ourselves?

What if you think that you looked pretty today? You look in the mirror and you smile and you compliment yourself and you’re happy, then you exit the house and hope that people will notice your beauty.

What if no one does?

Will you suddenly think that you don’t actually look all that pretty?

Please don’t base your opinions on other people’s opinions. There’s a reason we have opinions, to hold different view and beliefs from other people.

I know it’s hard, it’s hard for me too. That’s why I have to keep repeatedly say it over in my head:

We don’t need affirmation from people to feel proud of ourselves or of our accomplishments.

We don’t need affirmation from people to feel proud of ourselves or of our accomplishments.

We don’t need affirmation from people to feel proud of ourselves or of our accomplishments.

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