No, Not Even Friendships Are Safe

As someone with anxiety, I can say this with enough evidence, “We tend to overthink a lot.”

Situations, relationships, moments, anything you can think of.

It’s not rare when a new interest pops up in your life and you can’t help but overthink…

E V E R Y T H I N G.

Take a normal crush right? The average person thinks of them a lot in a day. Now, take that and add in overthinking. I mean there’s overthinking with a crush and overthinking with a crush, with anxiety.

(I’m considering the fact that you talk to your crush and don’t just stare from a distance lol)

You overthink their actions, the way they talk through text, how they really feel about you (whether they care or not), whether you’re bothering them or not, if you’re talking too much, if it doesn’t show too much that you care too much… or you’re worrying it does show too much, if their jokes actually hold a double meaning, why they looked at you during a certain moment, etc.

I think that’s a basic summary of it (because there’s so much more).

It’s hell.

But I”m not interested in anyone as of right now so my overthinking would seem like it’s simmered down a little bit, right?

Wrong.

It’s like my overthinking has moved onto my friends.

I mean, for me, there’s overthinking in friendships at the beginning. Of course there is. Because you’re unsure if the friendship is more than giving homework answers and classroom jokes.

So that’s normal.

But when it comes back after that, “Wow, they’re a real one” moment has LONG passed… it gets suspicious.

I realized this started happening after I stopped liking someone. But it started around a time where I got scared of life… which is right now.

I’m anxious about all my friendships.

I just got out of high school and in college. Nothing is certain.

I can think of one friend who stuck with me from kindergarten and we didn’t go to high school with each other. But we’re still strong. But everyone isn’t her…

Storytime.

I think maybe my subconscious was preparing and scared to leave high school. I started feeling a certain way toward my friend, Lyra. I’ve talked about her before. She’s a real friend. She’s the same person who let me hang out with her friend group during a fire drill when I felt like I didn’t belong. She made sure I felt included.

Yet, my mind started focusing on things that she started to do. Losing focus, not feeling important to her, not feeling like I belong in her life. Because Lyra has a lot of people in her life. I mean not all of these things were mental, most of the things I was mad at her about were things that actually happened.

Like she ditched me at a gym, we weren’t able to take pictures together at prom because she was with her other friends, we were supposed to watch a movie together but she saw it without me, I didn’t even know she saw it until a couple of days later, and a lot of other things.

It was just really messed up. It wasn’t messed up what I was doing but what my mind was doing. The thing is I didn’t even know what my mind was doing.

I don’t know how to explain it but it was like I was jealous. But that doesn’t make sense because I know how much I mean to her. But seeing her with other friends and taking pictures with them, it was like there was this hole in my heart. Because it felt like it’s so hard for the two of us to hang out AND take a simple picture. But she does it with these other people and it’s like… wow. But I know I’m special to her and she loves me. But my mind was twisting so much.

And I didn’t know what was happening.

So I didn’t tell her. And this feeling started in April and school ended in June. I knew she could tell something was going on but what could  I tell her? My mind is being stupid?

This is the same person I told everything too. Now I felt like I couldn’t.

What happened?

My mind, that’s what happened.

And nothing, no one feels safe in my mind.

Because there’s always an overthinking and overbearing thought about someone.

But thank goodness for Lyra.

She didn’t give up on me.

I could tell her all the things I’m feelings even negative things, saying I need space. And she’ll understand.

AND she won’t walk away.

I still question why she hasn’t walked away.

But she’s not the guy I used to like who said he would be there for and ultimately wasn’t, and she’s not any of my fake friends.

She understands my mind and my anxiety. She understands all my feelings and accepts me as the person I am, no matter how much I hate things like this that come in the way of friendships.

I think, if anyone else feels this way, we just need to hold on to all the Lyra’s in our life. Or we should wait for the Lyra’s of our life.

And know that even if we have these thoughts, those people should be there to lift those thoughts from our overbearing minds.

And if they don’t,

then our minds were right. 

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friends?

I’m not sure about anyone in my life. 

This phase of my life is so weird.

Slowly transitioning into college but still fresh out of high school.

And I find myself feeling lost.

I mean there are a lot of reasons I feel lost but the one I want to focus more on is friends.

If I think about last year and compare it to now… a lot of people have left.

Or I’m not as close to people as I thought I would be.

And it’s affecting me.

You know, today, I was in one of my school buildings where the library is. I was downstairs. So I climbed up the stairs and as I was climbing up I saw one of my old friends. But her back was turned towards me and she was walking away.

I was walking behind her (like 8 feet away) but in a completely different direction. I could’ve yelled her name or something but I didn’t.

Why?

Because we’re not who we used to be.

I’ve never heard from her since the summer and the one time I saw her at school was the first week of school. And she basically insulted me… but that’s who she is. That part didn’t bother me. What bothered me was that she didn’t seem interested to talk to me or see how I was doing. She talked to me for maybe 30 seconds and then left.

And I don’t know.

This is basically a summary of how I feel about anyone and everyone: I don’t know.

I don’t know about my relationships.

Everyone has their own life to live.

But I used to be able to hang out with so many different people sometimes and now…

I don’t want to sound ungrateful.

Because there are people I have that are there for me.

But I’m scared.

Because I’m just thinking about how one day they might leave like everyone else. Or I’m depending on them so much that the moment they let me down or something, I’ll lose it.

And I know I shouldn’t base my happiness or anyone but myself, but my friends really do make me happy.

I cherish my friends so much.

But… my anxiety and overthinking is getting out of control.

This is the spectrum:

The true friends: I’m scared they’ll leave, I’m burdening them, or they’ll let me down

The half-friends: There are friends in my life where it feels we’re only meeting each other halfway and I’m trying to put my trust in them but they’ve let me down before and I’m still scared.

The I don’t even know if we still are friends: The ones I don’t meet up with or talk to often. And I feel bad for wanting more because I know they might be busy. or might not want to socialize as much… but I need more.

And it’s such a weird place I’m in than I was a few months ago… I felt like less of a burden to ask others for advice and to tell someone a story. Now, those same people I used to ask, I’m scared of asking or telling. Things are so different.

So many of my relationships feel like they’re burning out or close to a fire and I want to save them but how can I save them when the other person has no interest?

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Foreshadowing and Signs

You know in English class when your teacher talked about foreshadowing?

Predicting the future because of something mentioned earlier in the story.

So since foreshadowing exists in books, can it exist in life?

Have you ever foreshadowed your life?

Can’t remember?

Let me ask a similar question with different wording.

Have you ever believed in signs?

And I’m not talking about the signs on the road that tell you to stop and slow down.

I’m talking about the signs that you “see” in the universe.

For example, some signs are when you like someone. You try to pick out every detail that might lead to a possibility that you guys will end up together.

That’s a sign.

And it’s also you trying to foreshadow your own life.

Now I think I’ve pretty much done the sign method (can I call it a method? Eh who cares, I’m trying to make a point lol) with every guy I’ve had a crush on. And I’ve done the sign method with every friend I get to know better.

Because I wanna know if a friendship will last or not, through looking at signs (foreshadowing).

And maybe you use this method for your whole future. You know “I did this one bad thing earlier so I’m afraid the world will treat me badly.” I guess its sorta like karma in a way except more complicated.

You try to see signs that lead to a bright future.

And if you’re religious, like me, you might even ask God for a sign that this is all worth it in the end.

But here’s what I’ve learned about signs…

See, the last time I liked someone there were so many signs that a possible future was near that even some of my friends saw it.

And then, out of nowhere, it was like a sign that said go actually got misread and meant stop.

So stop.

Stop reading and looking for signs.

Signs mean absolutely nothing.

Signs just mean you’re looking for a way for the universe to give you comfort when the other person should give you comfort.

And if you’re not looking for signs in a person but rather a situation, like your future… then stop trying to read signs and instead accelerate.

Go, make your future.

Stop trying to see if this way is giving you good vibes or not.

Take a chance and risk it.

And if it doesn’t work out, it’s ok.

That’s the beauty of a story.

And ending it when it’s about to get good is like reading an addicting book and just stopping in the middle.

Not knowing how it ends.

So stop trying to read signs because honestly no sign will ever tell you of the future.

If most of the signs I’ve seen in the past were anywhere near remotely right, I might have my own tv show or become a fortune teller.

But I’m not.

Reading signs gets you nowhere.

You think you might have a person or a situation all figured out.

But just when you think you do, life is like “Nope, you thought.”

I thought I knew that a person would never let me down. But sometimes that happens and you have to let a toxic person out of your life when you least expect it.

And that’s just that. That’s life. And we have to learn how to live knowing we can’t control our futures or see into the future.

We can’t foreshadow our lives.

So stop trying to.

Stop trying to read signs.

The only sign that should be consuming your mind is the one telling you to take one step closer to your future.

Wherever that leads.

But honestly not knowing something isn’t as bad as thinking you know it and having the rug pulled out from under you at the last minute.

Its ok if you don’t know what’s gonna happen at the end of your story.

Personally, I like when I know or at least can guess what’s going to happen at the end of a movie or t.v. show. But it’s also okay not to know.

I think its better when you don’t know because it makes for a better surprise.

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space.

So I have a difficult ultimatum to make.

I have the choice to let go of someone special to me and I have no idea how to do it.

Not necessarily, “let go.”

But I need to tell this person that I need space away from them to recover from everything they’ve put me through.

It’s not that I want to do this.

But I have to do this.

I love this person so much, you have no idea how much I love this person.

But all that they’re giving me isn’t enough for me.

It’s like I’m giving them 100% and they’re giving me half.

And it’s not fair to myself to belittle the pain I’m feeling for the sake of the other person.

It’s hurting me and I’m continuously getting hurt.

So I have to let them know and I need space away from that for a while.

But like I said earlier, I love this person so much.

So it’s going to be so hard, I haven’t told them I need space yet.

I”m sort of mentally preparing myself right now because the minute I say this, things change.

And I don’t want things to change because once things change I step out of my comfort zone.

But if I don’t step out of my comfort zone, I continuously suffer internally not letting the other person know.

And if I keep this inside, I’m only hurting myself more than I already am from this person.

So, yeah, I don’t know.

Has anyone else been through this? It would be great if you shared…

Also, sorry, I really like storytelling and specifics but I honestly don’t want to repeat the story again so I gave a vague version.

Also because the specifics aren’t really important I guess, it’s just the fact that I don’t feel happy with their friendship anymore and it’s internally messing with my heart, my mind, my anxiety, my well-being and it’s not healthy.

So I wanted to know if anyone had any input on this.

Thank you to anyone who read this.

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who’s Rebecca again? life update.

So… Where do I start?

Hi! It’s honestly hard to write an “I’m back” message without sounding cringey or too cliche.

I don’t know if anyone really remembers me, I mean it’s been like 6 months. It feels like a lifetime on my end.

But, hey, it’s Rebecca also known as hopelesslystrong.

Remember the last time I typed a couple of posts I just came back from an unplanned break and said I would try to be consistent?

Well… I completely failed and took another long break. But this has been the longest break I have ever taken away from my blog.

It wasn’t planned but at the same time, I could tell it was coming.

Not because of anything personal or anything I was just really busy at the time.

It was the last home stretch of my senior year of high school. So much was happening to me, mentally and physically, while I still had school and applying to colleges on my plate. I also had to study for exams because they were 4 months away. Prom, graduation, keeping up my grades.

Let me tell you, a lot has happened in these past few months.

Should I catch you up?

  • I turned 18 in December. I was still around by then but I never wrote a post about it.
  • I am NOT crushing on anyone. Phoenix is in the past. He turned out to be a lying jerk and I’m happier without him. But of course, some days are better than others. My overthinking is of course still there. And maybe that story will be something I talk about or don’t.
  • My friend started a personal Instagram for my singing. I’m still kinda working on it. But if anyone wants a mutual follow, just ask! It’s kinda weird seeing people I know on Instagram when before I only had a photography account (which is still thriving… just need to stop being lazy)
  • I kinda have an alter ego now. Her name is Bex. She’s kinda the Sasha Fierce to Beyonce. I transform into her in front of the camera and I’ve learned to embrace my inner beauty, not only in front of a camera but in my everyday life too. I started smiling with my teeth… which is something I was too self-conscious to do before.
  • I learned how to do my eyebrows. Which if you know me, is a big deal. I’ve wanted to learn ever since I began high school. I have this friend who taught me it all and just took me and my other inexperienced makeup friend shopping to figure out our shades and tones and it was really fun. I’d like to call myself an intermediate eyebrow artist lol.
  • I got a haircut in the middle of the school term which I’ve never one. I usually get them done during the summer. Plus, I cut it past m comfort zone, which is at my shoulders, and it was a change but it was nice to just start over.
  • I went to prom. I never planned on going to prom but the group of friends I befriended this year were actually real ones and one of my friends organized the whole thing from a party bus, to going to a restaurant, to going to IHOP at 3 am. But it was fun and a memorable night. And I definitely did not need a significant other to have fun. Screw that.
  • I graduated high school! My high school days are over!!! I am washed clean! Lol but graduation was nice. It was nice to have all my friends and family. I definitely felt like I accomplished something big. And I did because I made it through all the good and BAD times. It was a battle but onto college…
  • Please don’t ask me about college. I’m not sure at the moment. I still need to figure some stuff out.
  • My grandma passed away two weeks ago. I cried when all my extended family was at the hospital. But at the funeral, I didn’t. I said a poem to her at the funeral. I didn’t cry because I know I still have the memory of her with me forever. And, as a Christian, I know that it won’t be the last time seeing her. She was definitely the best and the most loving.

But yeah, basically while I was gone I just enjoyed the last days of high school… enjoyed… counted down… same difference. But it wasn’t all misery. I had fun with some real friends as the days counted down. With them, prom and graduation were fun. I felt loved and I was happy.

I took a week away from life when my grandma passed and now here I am.

I kinda hate the summer at the moment. I don’t really like long breaks because they tend to be boring and of course, that’s when the darkness seeps in. I haven’t really done anything this summer. I want to get a job so we’ll see how that goes.

But hopefully, this isn’t a quick hello and goodbye. I won’t promise anything I’m unsure of. So let’s see where this awakening back from the blogging depths take us. It’s really great to be back, how have you guys been?

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you are enough. and you don’t need a signifcant other to prove that.

As a quiet, observant teenager I notice a lot of things.

I see stories, I see people, I see things no one else sees.

But there’s one specific thing I’ve seen that really bothers the hell out of me.

And that specific thing, I’ve seen in the actions of my own generation, in kids of my own age… in me.

Teenagers have built a toxic mentality when it comes to having or falling for a significant other. 

I’ve seen it in television, in my friends, and as I said before, in me.

You see, when I was falling for Phoenix I did things I’m not proud of: I put him in the forefront of my mind. 

The only texts I cared about was his.

The only smile I cared to see was his.

The only person I wanted to hug was him.

There was even a time when I used to pick my friend up after her first period last year and half of the reason why I wanted to was because he was in her class (half, I still wanted to see my friend… but that doesn’t justify my mentality).

But it’s not only me who does this.

In the past week only, I’ve seen my friends do it too.

My best friend, Luna, has liked her crush for 3 years. She’s a very closed off person and is very unemotional. So it’s hard to talk to her about things or have her talk about her feelings.

I don’t like her crush. He’s not good for her. And her mentality is truly toxic. She’s the type of person that, if she were to fall in love, she would love the guy 100%. And she would love him and not love herself, the only way she could love herself was if he loved her for herself… if that makes sense. And it pisses me off because she deserves so much more than a guy. But a guy and loving a guy is the only thing on her mind.

The only thing on our, teenagers, minds.

So I showed her something that hurt and she was unemotional about it. I asked her why she doesn’t care and she told me she’s pretty much unemotional about things… unless it involves her family or him. Him. Basically, she said she doesn’t care about anything unless it involves this guy. That made me mad.

Not only at her, but for her. Because her mentality is so focused on a guy that she doesn’t even realize the toxicity of it.

But I can’t be mad at her because I used to be her.

I mean Phoenix wasn’t the only thing that made me emotional over the past year, but whether I talked to him or not it determined my mood for the day sometimes.

And I couldn’t control it.

And another example, one of the many things Luna cares about it how fast her crush replies to her text. This week, he took 4 days to reply to a text of hers. That was pretty much one of the only things on her mind.

When she told me that (through text), I didn’t reply to her text.

Because of a text? Really? It’s only been 4 days. As long as you know he’s going to reply it’s all good. At least be thankful you know he’s going to reply.

She, again, pissed me off.

Why? Because she puts all of her efforts into pleasing this guy? Yes. But also I can see pieces of the girl I used to be in her. The pieces of a girl who was falling headfirst before thinking about herself; pieces of a girl before heartbreak, pieces of a girl who put a guy at the forefront of everything in her life.

And it scares me. Because I honestly can’t do anything for her. She knows what happened with Phoenix: all the heartbreak, overthinking, and tears. I even told her before that I don’t want her to feel the way I felt over Phoenix. But it won’t change her mentality. Because this guy is “all she has.” There’s no one falling for her. So she falls for the only person she can fall for in her life.

And I haven’t only seen this in Luna, but my other friends.

This week at lunch, one of my friends said that she wants a boyfriend. Because she wants someone to hold her, give her cute hugs and all that. Make her happy. My other friend, Hydra, agreed with her.

Why?

I don’t understand it. I mean, I do, I’ve lived through it. But why are we like this?

When my friend said she wanted hugs and happiness I thought, “Don’t we,  your friends, give that to you? Isn’t that enough?”

Isn’t it enough? Isn’t the love of friends and the love of yourself enough?

Why isn’t it enough? Why doesn’t it feel like it’s enough?

Why is it that as teenagers we always chase after someone? I know for a fact one of the reasons I wanted Phoenix so much was because I just wanted cute hugs and hand-holding. But can’t my friends give that to me?

Actually… my friends do give that to me. But the difference is, when they hug me I ACTUALLY feel safe and loved, something Phoenix has never made me feel. Because, as much as I can force myself to believe something that’s not true… at the end of the day, I can’t force him to care about me as much as I care about him.

And I’m learning to accept that.

I know. Most of my friends would yell at me for not trying harder with him because maybe if I tried a little harder he would be my boyfriend. I’m in a place with him that my friends would love to be in.

A crush who actually knows your name, your personality, and knows you for who you are.

But I don’t want more… anymore.

I don’t want to force something that isn’t there.

I’m not in a place where a boyfriend would be a good choice.

I’ve never been in a relationship. Personally, it scares me. And I don’t think jumping into one is the best choice. Especially if I am “right there.”

I want to love myself before being given the opportunity to love someone else. Because maybe if I told Phoenix sooner, we would be in a relationship and I would’ve eventually fallen in love with him. But it wouldn’t have been right, to him or me.

Because there are times when I still can’t look in a mirror and moments where I find it hard to love myself.

And that’s the problem.

Society has toxified our minds.

Making us think that the only way we can love ourselves and feel “complete” is if we had someone else, a significant other, to do it for us.

But how do you expect to love someone if you can’t even love yourself?

And what would you do with yourself if that person suddenly didn’t love you anymore? Would you suddenly not love yourself anymore? Because you weren’t enough?

What is it with us and thinking we aren’t enough?

We. Are. So. Enough. It’s. Actually. Inexplainable. How. Enough. We. Are.

Yes, having a significant other to hold and be happy with would be nice… but it shouldn’t be because we feel empty inside.

It should be because we feel whole and okay that we want to share that wholeness with someone else.

It shouldn’t be because we need to be saved.

Because that person’s purpose isn’t gonna be to save you. Only you can save yourself.

Our friends, family, ourselves… that’s enough.

Just because the person you really want to talk to isn’t talking to you doesn’t mean you should treat the actual people who love you like crap.

There are some incredible people that are here for you.

Don’t take them for granted just because that one boy or girl doesn’t like you.

We have our whole lives to live and to fall in love.

Do you really wanna think back and only remember the days that went by hoping some irrelevant crush texted you or not?

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