the Truth.

If you’re asking me to admit the truth;

Yes, your smile literally glued some of the broken pieces of my heart together and brought sun to the dark places of my heart.

Yes, your laugh was like my favorite song on repeat and if i was the one to make you do that? i wish i could do that for a long time.

Yes, i would’ve rested my head on your shoulder for a lifetime if it meant i got to be this close to you in the safety of your presence.

Yes, i would’ve spent so much time with you because it meant i got to see your face and talk to you for countless hours.

Yes, i would’ve let you go on and on about soccer because i know it’s your one true love and the way you talk about your one true passion leaves me in awe.

Yes, your actions always had me overthinking and were on a constant loop in my head.

Yes, your smell was one that welcomed all my senses that if someone were to spray the cologne you wear all i would think about would be you and how close we were to each other.

Yes, your sense of humor made me feel special that i hoped you never talked about “vampires and werewolves” (amongst other things) to anyone else as goofily as you talked about them to me.

Yes, you noticing me has to be one of the best feelings on the planet and i just wish i knew what you thought once you would see me.

Yes, i would’ve talked to you for hours because talking to you was unlike talking to someone else. i never found myself getting tired of your stories.

Yes, the way you held me had my heart beating in a way it’s never beat before… it scared me how you made it feel. i wonder at such a close proximity if you could hear it too?

Yes, your touch affected me in a way it was if my heart stopped and what was always seen as impossible became possible for a second.

Yes, our hang outs made me believe in a content future where just being in the moment with you would feel like enough for me.

Yes, i wanted to stay on the phone with you for countless hours either lending your ear for a story or listening to you talk for hours about your day.

Yes, i would’ve looked at you for days on end waiting for you to look back and flash your perfect smile.

Yes, i would’ve kept a constant eye connection with you but the way you looked at me… it was too much and it scared me so i had to turn away after a while.

Yes, whenever i saw you face to face and talked to you in person at school i would always come home with butterflies in my stomach and a non-erasable smile on my face.

Yes, your words left marks on my heart and every sweet and funny thing you’ve said to me— i can always think about it and it never ceases to make me smile. Even if i was mad at you.

Yes, whenever you would say something only read about in books my heart swelled and i got a little bit of hope that you felt the same way.

Yes, i used to daydream about you and us being happy together like any other sappy high school couple.

Yes, the thought of “us” (if an us ever existed) scared me but if you ever felt the same way about me? …i wouldn’t know what to do.

But this is probably the way you make her feel too.

and i was nothing to you.

so i fade away. with these memories as chains.

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a broken girl’s Prayer

Dear God,

I know I haven’t been the best daughter to you.

And even sometimes I find myself forgetting that You’re there for me.

But right now, I really need You.

It’s happened again.

And again I don’t know what to do.

You’re the only one who loves me even in difficult times.

Please help me.

I don’t want this to keep controlling me.

I shouldn’t center so much of my attention on someone who isn’t You.

You deserve all my attention because You never leave.

I never have to doubt You.

I never wonder where You are.

I don’t have to question Your intentions.

But Lord, why isn’t that enough for me?

Why do all these people who hurt me affect me so much?

Why do they affect me to a point where I feel the need to be mad at You?

It’s not Your fault.

So tonight Lord, I am asking you to please fix me.

Fix this sick mentality that I have, that I can control no longer.

Take over this life for me.

Open my eyes to let me see that Your love is and always will be enough.

Help me be grateful for the lessons you have to give and the emotions You need me to feel.

Help me be the person I am intended to be.

I’m holding on Father. Because I know what you have planned for me is bigger than the sadness I feel now.

I shouldn’t be afraid or worry.

I should just trust in You because I know, for a fact, that you won’t let me down.

I love you.

Amen.

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that time my favorite band dropped a single that described my current situation

… and it’s freaking me out so much, but in a good way… in a very good way.

So something that has kept me holding on and has kept me happy is the date August 25th because that’s the day my favorite band, Fifth Harmony, is coming out with their album! And today they dropped a song out of nowhere.

It’s like they know me on another level… lol I’m kidding. But coincidence? The day before I took the SAT, they dropped their single. After having shitty feelings for a week, they drop a song on their album. I’d like to think it’s all written in the stars lol.

But when I heard this song, “Angel” it was weird because it took one replay to get all the lyrics and then another one (after the shock of the song) to connect it with my life. Because this song literally speaks out my feelings.

Has that ever happened with you? I know a lot of songs have done that to me and I love that feeling. But this song, it came when I needed it the most.

It says exactly how I feel about Phoenix and that whole situation. After almost a full week of knowing the truth about him and how he feels, this song came out just describing everything I want to say to him . I thought about telling someone because the personal connection literally shocked me… so where better to tell it than my blog?

So here’s the song (but it is explicit, just a warning in case you don’t want to hear that). I’m gonna connect my feelings with the lyrics now.

(The bold lyrics are the ones I can connect with, the italicized ones are just the general lyrics that I can’t connect to- but that doesn’t disregard my feelings to the song) *Slyly switches from first person to second person perspective*

  • Who said I was an angel?
    Who said I was an angel? Oh, yeah

    • I didn’t really connect these lyrics when I first heard the song or even when I saw the song title because why would the simple word “Angel” remind me of you? But then I remembered you used to call me that or some variation of that. I don’t know why, but you used to call me “Angelic legs” (Don’t ask, I DON’T EVEN KNOW lol) and then when I told you I could sing you called me “Angelic voice.” Then on our second hang out, I asked you what excuse you would tell your friends for being late to soccer practice and you said that an angel kidnapped you. It’s weird thinking of it now, I never thought much of your nicknames. But now thinking about it, what made you call me that? I’m far from an angel. Who called me an angel? Oh yeah, you did. But you were wrong. Now that you played me wrong, you’re gonna be proven wrong.
  • We were just a moment, nothing serious
    Never really paid it any mind
    Drop the back side and paying attention

    • This was your perspective of what we were, right? You barely paid attention. Because if you did notice, all you did would be to hurt me… but I always forgave you because of what I felt. But I can’t do that anymore. Because if you’re not gonna give a second thought about me I can’t give one about you anymore.
  • Should’ve never not kept your word
    Woulda had a reason to keep mine
    You was too inconsistent

    • I would’ve kept my word. I would’ve followed through with everything I’ve told you… I would’ve if you hadn’t lied about everything you’ve told me. You never kept your word. Not when it came to big out-of-this-world promises, which is understandable. But when it came to small things like when you were going to text me back or when we were gonna hang out, you always left me hanging like a lost kid wondering what I did wrong. You were inconsistent. I kept giving you chances and you showed me so many sides of you that confused me as to who you actually were. If you were gonna be sweet or a full jerk. And you were never one side for too long. I didn’t know what the lie was and what the truth was.
  • Should’ve never crossed that line with ya
    • I shouldn’t have. I went into unknown territory thinking that this would make my heart happy. But looking back, I should’ve just stayed where I was.

Everything cool, just drinkin’ with ya

  • Way too young to be up in handcuffs
    Wasn’t tryna spend my life on the phone with ya

    • It felt like I wasted my junior year being controlled by my feelings for you. I wasted so much time when I could’ve been having fun with my friends. I don’t want to be in handcuffs. Then there was this one time you called me back after I called you to ask how much the bus was after our second hang out. I remember as you talked to me I just wanted to stay on the phone longer with you. But you just wanted to know why I called and hung up (not rudely, I mean you said your regular “Be safe” bs) and it felt like we were on the phone for a long time but it was just one minute. If given, I would’ve talked to you on the phone for hours. After I took the SAT, I called you and we had a short conversation, I guess it would’ve been longer if I gave you details about the test and how I felt. But there was this feeling that I was bothering you so I gave you short answers. Maybe there’s a reason I never got my wish of spending “my life” on the phone with you. Because right now, if I hear your voice I might just break. Good thing I deleted your number off my phone.
  • Gotta keep it all 100 with ya
    The original me wouldn’t’ fuck with ya
    And I was beginning to fuck with ya

    • This is oddly and coincidentally true. Back in freshman year when we were friends, you kinda creeped me out and when the teacher moved our seats you never talked to me again and vice versa. Back then, I didn’t really want to keep ties because I never knew what your intentions were. And now, when I was beginning to be more open with you and warm up my feelings, you pull the rug out from under me. Two years later, and I still don’t know what your intentions are. I should’ve kept the mindset of you that my freshman year self had (no matter how extra and over dramatic she was).

Who said I was an angel?
Who said I was an angel? Oh, yeah

  • When you look at me, what do you see?
    Open your eyes, I’m more brilliant than you’ll ever be

    • What do you see when you look at me? I still don’t know. I don’t know what you saw when you played with me and stared at me for mintues trying to “read my soul.” You never told me what you saw. But I know, I’m more than you’ll ever be. I won’t ever play someone like you play/played me.

Who said I was an angel?

  • Yeah won’t lie, say I don’t lie
    Yeah, I might’ve told a few lies, yeah
    Won’t lie, say I didn’t try
    But you’re only worth a few tries, yeah

    • I did lie sometimes to you, but only when it involved my true feelings. I could never tell you the truth about how I felt because I didn’t want to freak you out. And I tried. Through my feelings, I tried so hard to be your friend. But you hardly tried. I tried to the best of my effort to be a good friend to you but I can’t keep ruining myself for this friendship. You aren’t worth so many tries that it kills me inside. Where was your effort?
  • Track star, say that you’re running these streets
    You ain’t the only one running these streets
    They’re making grounds like I only wear cleats, yeah

    • Your ego never hid itself. But it never ruined whatever we had because, in the past, your ego could never come close to how sweet you were to me. So the ego was outbalanced by the sweetness. But with time, the sweetness went away and the way you cared about me changed. You always had this mentality of “I’m stronger than you and I know it. You can’t hurt my feeling no matter how hard you try.” You thought you were the one in charge of this game. And for a while, I let you take control but now it’s time to show you that you’re not the only one “running these streets.”

Should’ve never cross that line with ya
Everything cool, just drinkin’ with ya
Way too young to be up in handcuffs
Tryna spend my life on the phone with ya
Gotta keep it all 100 with ya
The original me wouldn’t fuck with ya
And I was beginning to fuck with ya

  • Who said I was an angel? (But you was wrong, oh, yeah)
    • You were wrong about who I was. But I’m not surprised because you never put in that much time to correct yourself and find out who I really am. The fact that you said “I think I know you well enough to know when you’re lying or not” still pisses me off. Because no, you don’t know me that well. And you don’t get to be egotistical enough to think that because you know if I said those exact words to you, you would mock me.
  • Who said I was an angel? (Oh, I’m no angel, when you look at me)
    • The next time you’ll see me, I won’t be that angel anymore. I can’t be. I won’t put on a mask for the sake of whatever we had. You hurt me, I’m not gonna belittle my pain because of the way I feel anymore.

When you look at me, what do you see? (What do you see?)
Open your eyes, I’m more brilliant than you’ll ever be
Who said I was an angel? (Who said I was, an angel?)

  • Who said I was an angel?
    (Who said I was an angel? Didn’t know the real me, I’m far from an angel)

    • Even though you wanted to know the real me and you got some pieces of her, you never got her. Because if you did know the real me, you would know you were hurting me and giving me the worst anxiety. You would know that I”m not this girl with her feelings in check and everything going perfectly for her.
  • Who said I was an angel? Oh, yeah (Never took the time out, never had time to figure me out. When you look at me)
    • Like I said before, you never took the time out. If you put in even a little time to care… would that have been so hard? But apparently, it was. You didn’t have time to figure me out. Even though you have this “perception” of me figured out. You think you know me but you’re just making assumptions thinking I’m an angel. Maybe that’s why you keep thinking the way you treat me is okay… since I’m an “angel” I’ll forgive your behavior, right? And you blamed never taking the time out on your tendency to lose focus. I understand that— but when it comes to how crappy you treated me, it’s hard to think it’s all because of that.

When you look at me, what do you see? What do you see?
Open your eyes, I’m more brilliant than you’ll ever be
Who said I was an angel? (Who said I was an angel? Oh)

That’s one of my favorite songs now. I connected thoughts and feelings I didn’t even know were there but yeah… I was just feeling all that so it all just came out. I might do this as a thing now because honestly, it was amazing getting everything out there. I forgot how that felt. And I literally just thought of a name for it, “Lyric Connection Reflection” It’s a mouthful but I really like it.

But tell me your thoughts, did you like the song? How do you feel about songs that seem to just speak from your heart? Any suggestions?

And some advice to leave you with: Connect your heart and feelings to music instead of sadness. It’ll make you feel so so so much better. Whenever I get a little tug on my heart I listen to music because I know it’ll be able to express my feelings in a way overthinking never can.

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short poems 11:26 p.m.

poems written on 7.16.17:

Whole heart in. I get hurt. Heartless. I get hurt.

I get hurt. Heartless. I get hurt.

Heartless. I get hurt.

I get hurt.

 

Repeatrepeatrepeatrepeat

turn it off. let it go, they tell me

but this is my favorite song, I tell them

 

I want the universe to do us me a favor.

to bump into you one of these days

but maybe the universe is doing me a favor

keeping us apart.

 

I walked. I ran. I crawled. I stopped. I started again. I suffered. And you still haven’t let me into your heart.

8.06.17:

you didn’t bring the rain. you WERE the rain.

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to start over.

“no person wants to start over with a new person. telling secrets, giving their body away. falling all over again. its too much..”

via @changes on twitter

This twitter post literally came the very day I needed it. Coincidence? I really don’t know.

But do you know what it’s like?

Let’s go back. If you’re interested in a little history step inside the rollercoaster ride.

Eighth grade. I like this guy in my class. And this is the first time I’ve liked someone for their personality, and not just solely on looks. He was funny, we had banter, and he said cute things sometimes, I guess. He did things my little middle school heart never experienced before… like he hugged me. Yep. Hugged me. Many other things happened and I had a little hope that he liked me. But he didn’t.

And so when it was time for us to go our separate ways into high school, I found myself missing him. Long story, short (because this story was on my blog before “Over”) I tried to get over him and it took two years. He was completely toxic for my heart. I always thought he was genuine and missed me too, but no.

One of my best friends told me that I would meet someone better, someone who deserved my heart… then “Phoenix” showed up. And I thought maybe this is my second chance.

Remember Phoenix? The guy I thought was perfect for my heart? The guy I thought would never hurt me? I thought he would be someone worth falling for.

So I fell.

It’s been months. Maybe even close to a year?

And honestly, when I fell I didn’t expect to be this close to him. To have his number, to have his snapchat, to have hung out with him. None of that was expected when I started to fall. But it happened. And it made the falling even worse.

But the falling was okay. Because Phoenix seemed sooooo much better than my eighth-grade crush, let’s call him “Over.”

So I started over with Phoenix. I fell. Again. But it was okay because he was genuine and sweet and honest and real. Right?

Phoenix did things that no guy has ever done. He asked me if I had depression, he sensed that himself, and then he figured out that I had anxiety and he asked me about it. And he told me that he would be there to talk if I ever needed it. He suspected something was wrong and something happened in my life just because of a “weird-sounding” text. And we texted each other in paragraphs and he never seemed to mind.

But then, things changed.

And he just turned out to be like the 7.0 version of Over. But it was deeper this time. It was much deeper.

I told Phoenix things I haven’t even told my best friend. I told him my fears, my secrets, I gave him a piece of myself. I got to know him, or at least who he wanted to seem like in front of me. I built a relationship with him. And for what?

For it to just go to waste?

We’re not on good terms right now. This isn’t like some petty fight… this might be the end of the Phoenix chapter. And honestly? I thought it would last way longer. But he turned out to be just as dishonest as Over.

Both of them were just full of talk and their actions came from their ego instead of their heart.

So here I am. After falling deeper for the second time.

I thought I would be in a better place. I thought it would be worth it. I thought it would at least feel better than this.

But falling for the second time is, even more, worse than the first time.

Ater the first time, I was cautious. I didn’t want to let my heart out of its chains again. But when a guy does the sweet things that Phoenix did you get vulnerable and you trust. And you fall before you can stop yourself.

I never really believed my best friend when she said I would find a guy who would treat me so much better. It didn’t really feel like that would actually happen because it’s me and my life. But then he came in and gave me a little hope that genuine guys existed and there might be a chance I could get over “Over.”

He gave me hope after my first fall.

But the second fall, like I said, didn’t turn out great. Not at the beginning, not in the middle, not in the end.

Even though there were great things that happened during this fall… something was there to always make me feel like crap: another girl, he hurt me unintentionally or intentionally, my anxiety, etc.

And you know? I tried so hard to push the crappy parts down because I thought I would never meet another guy like him. A guy who would care so much about me and about my past and my future. A guy who wanted to see the stars with me, wanted to see a play together, wanted to go far away someday to escape it all, didn’t believe in promises like me, and hated fake people just as much as me. He seemed… right? He told me instead of a party he would want to see a sunset and I’m like wow, the perfect person for a girl with anxiety.

It all just seemed so perfect. I guess that’s what was wrong. The perception of it was deceitful.

But the way I got to know him was different than the way I got to know anyone else. We opened up to each other. We took small steps. We shared.

How do you let something like that go?

And how can you possibly think of moving on and thinking you deserve someone better when that was it… when that was the better? Or at least it felt like it.

Did I waste all those months, all that time, falling for him? Is it all just a waste now? Now that I know I meant nothing to him. And it was all nothing.

I don’t even know if I can get up after this second fall. I don’t think I can picture myself giving so much of myself to another person… hoping that they’re the right one for my heart.

I can’t do it again. I can’t.

It was hard enough this time.

Now, a piece of me is with him and he’s just breaking that piece apart.

How can I open up myself to another person? Open up my heart? The thought of falling for a third time and getting heartbroken for a third time? I don’t want to think of that. It really exhausts me thinking like that. I don’t even know if I’ll even be able to…

How do people like this get so consumed with playing the game that they don’t even realize they’re playing with feelings and emotions? Doesn’t that ever cross their minds?

How can I start over?

After going through so much, after listening to my heart, how can I possibly start over?

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poems. 2:04 AM

all written 07.11.17:

Whenever I was alone with you, it rains. Is it a coincidence that’s how you always make me feel sometimes?

When you didn’t talk to me and I didn’t talk to you the only thing that made the pain and sadness feel okay was the rain.

I put my feelings in. I start the cycle. But instead of cleaning, this cycle makes everything dirty: my heart and my soul.

breathe in. just thinking about your scent // or is that cologne?// that makes my mind lose control. throw up.

You had me. You had her. She had you. but I

never

had

you.

You think I didn’t say hi because I’m shy. But it doesn’t take a genius to realize that I never said hi because of her.

You touched me, Friend. You put my hair behind my ear, Friend. You spent the night with me, Friend. You want to know my secrets, Friend. You say “My,” Friend. But you are not my Friend.

You open your mouth and I call bullshit but then the tears are replaced with laughs and smiles and I start believing again.

Your fault. I feel bad. Your fault. I stop talking. Your fault. I confess. Your fault. You lost focus. Your fault. but why did i always think it was mine?

I prayed for you when I should’ve been praying for someone else.

Read. Opened. Almost as bad as “We need to talk.”

I thought you cared. You told me you did. So it’s not unrealistic to think that when I was gone you were thinking of me. But you weren’t. You weren’t thinking of me. You were forgetting about me.

I know what it would be like to let you go. I tried it but it didn’t work out. So what do I do now?

What do you want from me? Was I smart? For letting you go in the past? If so, why do you keep coming back?

Heart drops. Heart goes back up. Heart drops. Heart twists. Heart drops. Heart turns. Heart drops. Heart wants to give up.

I close my eyes and I can see his smile, hear his voice, picture him, smell him, remember him, drown in him. Caffeine, please keep me awake.

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feelings 1:12 a.m.

I don’t like this feeling.

I don’t want to feel it.

And the worst part about the feeling? I know that I’m going to keep feeling it.

I don’t like talking to some of my friends about it. Becuase it feels like I’m being “overdramatic.”

Am I?

Am I just taking things out of proportion?

Would you feel the same way if… I don’t know how to give this story without context. But I don’t want to give context because I’m just so exhausted, not only over this issue but the fact that it’s the same damn person every single time. It’s the same person who makes me feel like shit.

I don’t think it even really matters what happened but more so how I keep letting it happen.

I keep forgiving Phoenix for everything he puts me through. And not because he deserves it or solely because I have feelings for him. But because I feel like my emotions aren’t valid.

I mean if I thought of him as a friend would I still be hurt over everything he’s done to me? I’m not actually sure. I feel like I would still be hurt but not as much.

But the problem is, he keeps hurting me. And I keep letting him.

Whenever I find a reason to be mad at him, it never sticks around. It’s an excessive disturbing cycle. I get mad, I might rant to some of my friends, I think of all the crap he’s put me through, I “think” I’m ready to hurt him as much as he’s hurt me, and then… he talks to me and I submit. All it takes is one mere act of him sending me a message and maybe at first, I’m like “You’re a piece of crap.” But eventually, he warms up to my heart again and the cycle restarts itself.

I’m tired.

I know I can never stay mad at him. But I should. Because he keeps treating me like I don’t have feelings. Just the other week I told him that he hurt my feelings (kind of in a joking way but also in a serious way) and he made it into this game and told me to “toughen up.” He’ll never take anything seriously. He thinks all my feelings and emotions are a game.

Whenever he tells me a lie, he never feels bad. He never thinks twice about hurting me.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

Word of advice? If someone has treated you like shit in the past, they’ll keep treating you like shit.

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