finding myself

I was 15 when I started this blog. I’m now 24. 

It was nearing the end of freshman year in May and I just wanted a space where I could share my thoughts and writing. This was before all the poetry classes, the musically supportive friends, and the future that I know I can have now. I was alone in my head and I needed to find a space. 

People I would have never imagined of losing, I’ve forgotten how their voice sounds. Hurdles of life that seemed to blockade me are now far and forgotten. Crushes I vented about on this page are married now. Anxieties I had have only gotten stronger. I’ve been to therapy, something I never thought I could do. Life is different in so many ways but also the same. 

I don’t hide in bathrooms after an anxiety attack anymore. I go to libraries, parks, and coffee shops to find solace, I guess that’s an achievement. But the same worries I wrote about still haunt me. The people who have hurt me still make an appearance in my head here and there, and new ones – people I would never have expected leaving, have left as well. The person I used to be is still in me and is scared of coming out. Who I am is still me, I can’t change that. 

I find myself, newly 24, needing this space again. I started this blog to find myself and I’m coming back because I can feel that I am losing myself. With each new problem, each new anxiety, every old ghost that comes back to haunt me… I feel myself slipping away and it’s not something I can control. But this is. 

It might have been years ago and my memory isn’t the best. But I know this place saved me in some way, shape, and form so I could write this today. Some of the hardest battles I faced, I faced behind a screen writing on this page, writing behind this page. 

This space allowed me to be myself, which is something that is lacking when I am away from here. So I want to try finding myself again, like I did all those years ago. 

It might work out, it might fail. But at least I’m trying.