2018: roses.

Am I posting consistently? Idk but that’s what it looks likeee.

Let’s not jinx it lol.

So today’s post was gonna be a story but before I tell the stories of what’s been going on in the past 2 months I wanted to just talk about what 2018 means to me.

It’s weird that this is going to be my starting post since the stories I have to tell you guys are mostly stories before 2018 began. But I think the mentality I have in 2018 will explain where I stand concerning the stories.

Confused yet? It’s okay I would be too.

So yesterday, when I said that when 2018 began it was like I opened a new book… I honestly wasn’t kidding. The minute 2018 began it’s like I could begin fresh. I could start over. I didn’t have to excuse the same crap I used to. I didn’t have to let fake people in anymore if I didn’t want to. I could stop talking to people who gave me anxiety.

Starting a new year was a regular cliche for me. It was as if I started being a new person.

Last year, I was obsessed with the moon. I mean I’ve always loved the moon. I started to put the little moon emoji on all of my social media accounts next to my name. The moon kind of became my icon.

But recently, I’ve been really obsessed with roses. Idk why lol.

I still love the moon- don’t get me wrong.

But as weird as this sounds, I think a rose describes the situation I’m in.

You’ll know more about that situation in probably a few days.

But for now, I’ll tell you that I had to let in this pain that I didn’t want to let in and I had to feel it and then choose to be happy.

I don’t know something about a rose… roses are just so beautiful but so deceiving at the same time.

Deceiving as in they’re pretty but they have thorns.

Like even with the thorns, the scars, it’s still beautiful. Through all the walls it might keep up, it’s still beautiful and it still grows.

Plus it might be because red is my favorite color lol.

So for 2018, I’ve been contributing my year so far to a rose.

The rose symbolizes my healing process.

It indicated that I chose to live…

that I chose happiness.

And I can make it through even when sometimes I don’t want to.

One of my favorite YouTubers has this clothing line with hoodies that have the phrase “good enough” with guess what by the words? A rose.

And on the pocket of the hoodie, it has the words “Growth begins with accepting yourself as enough.”

If that doesn’t scare you yet, he said this when posting about a re-stock of the hoodies: “Be yourself and know that that’s good enough.”

And that’s basically the mental state my mind has been in since the year started.

I want to be good enough, I want to accept myself, I don’t want to depend on someone else to tell me my worth.

I’m good enough.

That’s something I’ve been working on in 2018.

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stay tuned.

Let me be honest with you guys…

I honestly don’t know where this blog is headed.

In the past, I’ve used this blog as a platform for my feelings and thoughts.

But I haven’t used it in a long time.. because I don’t really need it anymore.

Why?

Because I have friends who I can honestly vent to.

I didn’t have that in the past.

But I do now.

But this blog… I don’t want to give up on it cause it’s a piece of me.

It’s been my rock sometimes when I’ve wanted to give up.

Basically it was the one thing I held onto sophomore year.

I’m not capable of giving up on it.

But you know, life gets in the way sometimes.

But I don’t want to use the excuse of time because there are moments where I’m free and bored when I could be doing something productive like working on my music or writing a blog post *cough cough*

But you know those days when you don’t have inspiration or feel like you have nothing to say?

I’ve felt like that.

But boy, do I have a BUNCH of stories for you guys. I’ve learned so much in the past 2 months.

And one of the reasons I made this blog is to be able to look back at who I was and see how much I’ve grown.

I’ve found out who’s really there for me, how other people can have other intentions, how nothing lasts forvever, how choosing to be happy and focusing on the positive can change your life for the better.

Starting 2018 was really like opening a new book for me. I’m not letting the old bullshit get to me. I’m working on myself.

And yes, I’m not happy all the time. I still go into my depressive hole for reasons I don’t understand sometimes. But I’ve learned it’s okay when that happens. Because I might need to feel the rain first before the sunshine.

So lol where am I going with this?

I just wanna say that no, I haven’t given up on this blog and stories are coming soon that I need to type out. But no promises because nothing is sure and let’s be honest, I get distracted and lazy lol.

But we’ll see, okay?

How are you guys doing? Any stories?

If anyone wants to contact me or anything let me know, I’m more active outside my blog and I’ll love to catch up.

But yes, stay tuned!

poem: pretty girl trying.

10.20.17

Pretty girl trying

Twirling around

Flowers in her hair

Wants to be found

No one to call

No one to look for

All she has left

Is a scar on her big toe

Making use of the time she has left

Pretty girl trying

Jumping over cracks

Grass on her sleeves

Wants to look tough

No stars to wish on

No wishbones to break

Just a cloud to hope for

While she washes away

Tell me your story

Give me something new

So that the pretty girl trying

Isn’t the only one who feels like dying

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Contact, Social Media, if you wanna talk…

So I thought this stuff should get its own post because who looks at my contact page? *crickets*

Lol, but even I don’t look at pages, I barely have time to look at blog posts throughout the day.

But just in case anyone is wondering, if anyone would wonder my anxiety says, here’s where you can contact me if you ever want to talk or want to follow me and want me to follow you on social media… Even though I only have one social media account for this blog.

By contact I really mean anything, if you just need someone to vent to or you wanna show me some music suggestions or you just need a conversation, I’m here! I honestly mean that. I know sometimes you feel alone, I do too… but you’re never alone.

Email: hopelesslystrong27@gmail.com

I’m down to have a conversation here or to talk on hangouts. Trust me, once we start talking I can’t shut up. Honestly, if you want essay emails here ya go.

Instagram: @melancholy_hopefulness  (just have to credit the amazing person who thought of this username for me, Kate from All The Trinkets who is such a creative bean and awesome person. She didn’t even ask me to put herself there but she deserves it)

My Instagram has always shown at the left side of my blog. Some people have seen it, but I’ve never talked about it in a post. I really love photography. It’s one of my hobbies up there under music and writing. I started taking random pictures of the world when I left middle school. It’s like once I left that school I got so interested in photography. At first, it was just pictures of sunsets and clouds but then I wanted to start experimenting. I still take photos of sunsets but I take pictures of people sometimes and I don’t shoot pictures I take outside randomly anymore because I took a photography class junior year which taught me about photography rules and stuff. I try to get angles and new perspectives. I dream to be able to buy my own camera someday in the future.

So if you really love photography you can follow me there! And if you have an Instagram too, I’ll be happy to follow you back just tell me your username and I’ll stalk you… that was a joke lol. I promise not to stalk you. I’ll look at maybe ten pictures. Ok, I’ll stop talking… (I’m honestly not gonna stalk you… I don’t even have the attention span to read 10 blog posts lol) MOVING ON

Kik: rebecca_zecca

Lol I never thought I would ever write that. Because I really don’t see a point to kik. But I downloaded it for one of my friends to talk to her (because I’m a LOYAL friend lol) So yeah it’s there on my phone. Since it’s there why not use it to talk to more people? So if you have one you can have a convo with me on there too 🙂

This is no attempt to make my blog seem “better.” Or anything like that, if that’s the kind of vibe this post is giving you… (my anxiety is worrying about that) I just want anyone to know that if they do want to talk, I’m here. I love talking and getting to know new people and it would be really cool if we got to know each other aside from the blogs.

Ok, that’s all I have to say! If you wanna let me know that you’re following me or adding me or sending me an email leave it in the comments and I will be 100% sure to check it. Thanks for all the love and support!

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poems, poems, poems #3

Poems I put up on my Tumblr:

  • Topic: Phoenix

i did all I could to make you stay.

i cared.

i was vulnerable.

i opened up.

but i guess it wasn’t enough for you.

 

your actions never came from the heart…

instead, they came from your ego

-realizations.

 

i can’t say your name anymore.

you’ve become the “he who should not be named”

and i finally get why the mere mention of a name means so much.

it’s because it’s more than just a name.

it’s the whole fucking memory of you.

all the times i said it while i vented to one of my friends.

smiling because of the way it rolled off my tongue as i recollected a story that used to make me happy.

when i yelled it out because you were being “annoying”

using it as a foundation for a nickname.

your name has become more than just a name.

it’s a trigger.

those seven letters…

they give me hell.

 

i want to hope. i want to believe. that you think of me as much as i think of you.

that here and there you think about picking up the phone to talk to me.

that you think of moments we shared to make you smile.

that you miss me and you actually care.

that you’re not forgetting me.

that you’re not losing your focus on us.

Even though I know,

it’s all a lie.

 

confession.

i still have that picture of you on my phone.

when you were smiling and we were together, content with the world.

i can never look at that picture…

but i can never delete it either.

 

that “I miss you” text is never gonna come, is it?

because if it did…

it would be a lie.

 

“why wasn’t i enough for you?”

-my heart.

 

and after all this time i still delude myself into thinking you feel the same way about me.

-toxic.

 

no, it’s not the thought that counts, it’s the action.

because in that case, you’re just saying shit with no intention of following through.

 

it’s not easy for me to act like nothing happened.

that’s what makes you different from me.

 

you gave up and i gave in.

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Blog Update: Q&A

Hey, guys!

I just wanted to let you know that I will still be having my blog Q&A in honor of hitting 500 followers!!

I finally decided on a date… I know, I know… things have been very hectic considering last week was the first week of school and all. I finally got the head space to figure out a date, yay!

I’ll be having the Q&A tomorrow. Yep, you read that right: to-mor-row (lol really don’t know why I spaced out syllables like in elementary school… I’m half awake, don’t question it).

I’ll still be accepting questions right here so if you have any leave it in the comments. I’ll be sure to answer them!

Again, thank you so much, everyone, for all your support and love. It means the world. This blog wouldn’t even have a 500 Q&A if t weren’t for you, thank you!

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how Life works

Sometimes i feel everything,

other times i feel nothing at all.

Sometimes i forget,

other times all i can do is remember.

Sometimes i feel loved,

other times i only get pain.

Sometimes i am strong,

other times i am brought down because of the worst in me.

Sometimes i can breathe,

other times i suffocate.

Sometimes i bleed,

other times i bandage.

Sometimes it’s Hello,

other times it’s goodbye.

Sometimes things work out,

other times they don’t.

Sometimes they treat me equally,

other times they treat me like a piece of trash.

Sometimes i celebrate,

other times i break.

Sometimes i listen to thousands of songs,

other times i listen to that one song on repeat.

Sometimes i act real,

other times i pretend.

Sometimes i have walls,

other times i break them down.

Sometimes the world is at peace,

other times… help.

Sometimes they pick up the phone.

other times they don’t.

Sometimes i believe,

other times i read the lies.

Sometimes i look up to the sky,

other times i look into my hole.

Sometimes it’s better,

other times it’s worse.

Sometimes it’s hard,

other times… it’s even more difficult.

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