05.09.20 – trust.

What if TRUST was easy?

What if it was easy to trust someone?

What if you didn’t have to question their intentions or wonder if they had on a mask?

What if everyone you trusted turned out to be good people who never hurt you?

What if trust was true?

What if you didn’t have to build up walls after an uneasy experience?

What if you could live blindly without worrying about distrust?

What if your trust wasn’t betrayed?

What if you didn’t have to keep your trust safe in your heart, locked away, not ready to give out to anyone?

What if the trust you were born with was still alive in you?

08.23.17 – to be up, to be down.

It’s disturbing.

It really is.

How one second you can be so up. So high. So happy. So content. So okay.

Then the next second you’re down. You’re low. You’re sad. You’re unsatisfied.

You’re no longer okay.

And it’s weird because this mood swing, this change in emotion can happen in a mere second. In the snap of a finger.

Of course, it’s perfectly normal to experience different emotions especially if something happens.

But what if nothing even happened?

Or, at least, that’s what it feels like.

Do you know what it’s like?

If you don’t,

consider yourself lucky.

expectations.

Do you ever just picture yourself?

Sun shining in your hair.

As you write your favorite poetry.

Do you imagine the apartment you would own?

Away from your parents but not too far.

Just enough to have your own space.

To see the city night lights.

Outside of the big windows.

Watching the night life pass you by.

To go to the gym.

Take a yoga class with your friends.

Go for a smoothie afterwards, catching up on work.

To wear that dress that’s been hiding in your closet.

Waiting until someone special came along.

And they finally did.

To take those trips on your wish list.

Pin your travel map.

Make all the memories you never could when you were young.

Do you have a life you expected and the things holding you back?

What’s stopping you.

From living?

eating in the park

After I took my dad to a doctor’s appointment, we went to get Chinese food and after we got it, I thought I heard him say, “We’ll go to a park and eat it.”

I thought I misheard him and thought we would just eat in the car but nope, I heard him correctly.

We ate the Chinese food in the park at a picnic table. We went to the park where he used to study for his MRI exams before I was born.

I don’t really have a lot of these moments with my dad. He has the parent brain/mindset a lot of the time where he never relaxes and always has some work to do. Even on his days off, he finds numerous things to do when he should be resting. So I don’t find a lot of moments where I can “just be” with my dad.

This is why I didn’t think he said we would eat at the park because we still had some errands to do afterward. So eating in the car after getting the food wouldn’t waste any time.

But I was just really grateful to have that moment with my dad. To just sit and eat and not worry about life. Not worry about deadlines, time, etc.

I could just enjoy Chinese food in the park with my dad.

just because you went through something shitty doesn’t mean you get to treat people the same way.

I think a lot of the time people will be used to being so self-involved that they forget other people are also going through life and facing problems.

But just because we’re having a hard time right now doesn’t justify treating someone badly, which is something I wish I could yell to so many people.

This makes me think of To Kill a Mockingbird, this quote has stuck with me for 8 years now.

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view… until you climb in his skin and walk around in it.”

– Harper Lee, “To Kill a Mockingbird”

People just forget to be gentle, kind, and considerate. As someone with anxiety, I’m always hoping that I am kind to everyone I interact with (otherwise I’ll overthink that moment for weeks on end). Other people just don’t see a point in being nice to strangers because there might be nothing in it for them or they have a bad experience interacting with strangers.

I think it’s just a good reminder to be kind. It’s not like a stranger is the one causing your problems or preying on your downfall. That’s just the way life is and we can either live it with a good conscious, or a conscious that regrets our every behavior.

Which will you choose?

hopelessly hopeful

Being a hopelessly strong person is so funny because I’ll be having the worst day of my life or a slew of bad days and my heart will still be like “But wait –” 

I have so much hope and maybe it’s a curse. 

I truly want to believe there is a better future waiting for me out there. That this pain I go through is worth something. That I will soon know the love that haunts my television screen. 

How can I be so full of hope when life constantly puts me down? I have no idea. 

Is it a curse? Maybe. 

A good and happy future isn’t promised. So why do I believe that it is? 

Maybe I’ll always be the “Disney child” at heart. The one who wants to believe there is a prince at the end, that the evil witch gets vanquished at the end, and that the pain in the beginning can’t compare to the joy that awaits at the end. 

Will it prove to be a blessing or a curse? 

But no matter what, I know I will always be hopelessly hopeful. Even if there is no guarantee, I want to believe it will all be worth it someday, somehow, someway.

toxic trait.

my toxic trait is that once someone has let me down…

i immediately run to someone else.

but now…

i don’t have anyone else to run to.

sorry: You don’t mean it

Because if you did, 

you would be here right now.

Short Sentences #19

People love playing games.

And I’m easy bait. 

one person.

honestly,

you don’t need a crowd of people to feel complete.

you just need one person.

one person to lift you up.

one person to make you smile.

one person to turn you away from the dark.

and one person’s love is all it takes.