thoughts 10:24 pm

Do you know how hard it is?

To restrict yourself from talking to the one person who has always been there to make you smile and uncontrollably laugh but has also been the one who’s done you wrong?

I just want some answers.

I just need to know why.

I want to know what I did wrong.

I just want to talk to him again and see his face.

I just want to erase the drama.

There’s nothing more I want to do than let him know that I’m still there and I still care.

But what about him?

Where is he?

How does he feel?

Does he even care?

Am I just another conversation to him?

Is this easy for him?

Will he wonder what happened?

Does he even know something’s wrong?

What if he turned around when he exited that door and saw me,

What would he have done?

No.

What would I have done? 

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the purple button-up and the red varsity jacket.

The purple button-up.

He wore it.

The guy who was in my 8th-grade class who I used to like.

He was wearing a purple button-up during the baccalaureate service for our 8th-grade graduation.

The purple button-up was how I told my friends that I liked him.

I asked them if they liked purple or white.

They answered purple.

And I said me too.

From that moment one, whenever I saw him wear that shirt I thought of that moment.

How I was unafraid to admit that I liked him.

I finally wanted to tell my friends about him.

But that’s when things started to plummet.

Then comes the red varsity jacket.

Phoenix wears it, the guy I like.

My favorite color, and it’s not the dark shades of red which don’t really appeal to me. It’s the one shade of red that my eyes are in love with.

He looks good it in.

But he was wearing it the day he broke my heart.

The day I found out he was still friends with his ex-girlfriend. But at the time I didn’t know they were friends. This was the day I thought they got back together.

The day my hope for him became hopeless.

He wore that dumb red varsity jacket.

We had Spanish class that day and that was the first time in that class where we talked throughout the whole 90 minutes. He never completely turned around facing away from me that day (he sat in front of me).

Now, whenever he wears that red varsity jacket I think he’s just going to cause me pain.

The last time he wore it, he was walking towards me after dropping his ex-girlfriend/best friend off at her class.

Can someone please tell me,

why these two guys have to ruin my favorite colors for me?

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the moon.

Every night,

after I say a prayer and turn off my bedside lamp,

I look outside my window.

To look if I can see the moon.

Or a few stars.

On the nights that I can, I bask in their beauty.

I feel better. No matter how my day was- once I see that everything becomes ok.

Or at least it’s calming to think that things are going to turn out okay.

I can sleep peacefully when their presence is near.

It calms me in a way I can’t really describe.

One the nights that I can’t, it breaks my heart a little bit.

But only a little bit, because I know it’s out there somewhere- I just can’t see it out my window.

Maybe it’s in the window of a little girl who really needs its’ comfort.

Maybe it’s protecting a sleeping baby who’s basking in its’ presence.

I might be sad for a second if I don’t see it.

But I have this hope, every time I don’t see it, that I’ll see it tomorrow or some other day.

It eases me knowing that yesterday or the last time I’ve seen the moon won’t be the final time I’ll see it.

Either way, the moon either gives me comfort or hope.

How did God make something so beautiful? I’ll never understand it.

But the good thing is: I don’t have to.

I can just bask in its’ beauty and let it calm my soul.

That’s why I love the moon.

It brings me a serenity I can’t describe.

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“I’ll Do It Later”

No, you will not.

Have you ever thought of doing something then you convince your mind that you’ll do it later?

Well, you won’t.

You won’t do it later.

Not matter how much you convince your mind, in the present, that you’ll do it later. You know you. You know you will not do it.

So stop saying “I’ll do it later.”

You’re lying to yourself.

Don’t wait to do something later. What’s so wrong with doing it now? What’s so bad about doing it in the present?

Shouldn’t you do it now and get it over with?

Maybe it depends on the situation and you have to do it later. That’s understandable.

But don’t make “I’ll do it later” an excuse.

Get it over with.

Personally, having anxiety, doing stuff now erases the worry of having to do it later and it frees me up from the overwhelming monster on my back.

“I’ll do it later” has just become my way out of doing something and having to face my problems in the present moment. But running away from my problems doesn’t help me, and they’ll never help me. Confronting them now, doing them now, and facing them now helps me.

Doing it now helps me and it’s not going to help if I just lie to myself and say “I’ll do it later.”

It’s better if you find the time to do it now so you don’t even have to think (and worry) about it later. It’ll be a weight off your back.

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Should “Crazy” be an Adjective?

I don’t think that it should be.

I hate when people call other people crazy.

I mean I don’t mind if it’s a humorous situation and it’s just your friends saying it as a joke about yourself.

I hate it when oblivious people use it as an adjective to label someone they don’t even know.

Especially towards someone with a mental illness.

I mean it’s just so rude.

That person absolutely has no idea what goes on in the “crazy” person’s mind. Who are they to judge?

I just don’t think that crazy should be an adjective anymore. I  mean sure, there might be some unbelievably crazy people out there, but I don’t think that any of them should be labeled as purely crazy.

Everyone has a history, a story, a reason.

Just like I believe that things happen for a reason, people are the way they are for a reason.

It’s unfair when an ignorant person labels someone else as “crazy.”

What are your thoughts?

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