all written 07.11.17:
Whenever I was alone with you, it rains. Is it a coincidence that’s how you
always make me feel sometimes?
When you didn’t talk to me and I didn’t talk to you the only thing that made the pain and sadness feel okay was the rain.
I put my feelings in. I start the cycle. But instead of cleaning, this cycle makes everything dirty: my heart and my soul.
breathe in. just thinking about your scent // or is that cologne?// that makes my mind lose control. throw up.
You had me. You had her. She had you. but I
You think I didn’t say hi because I’m shy. But it doesn’t take a genius to realize that I never said hi because of her.
You touched me, Friend. You put my hair behind my ear, Friend. You spent the night with me, Friend. You want to know my secrets, Friend. You say “My,” Friend. But you are not my Friend.
You open your mouth and I call bullshit but then the tears are replaced with laughs and smiles and I start believing again.
Your fault. I feel bad. Your fault. I stop talking. Your fault. I confess. Your fault. You lost focus. Your fault. but why did i always think it was mine?
I prayed for you when I should’ve been praying for someone else.
Read. Opened. Almost as bad as “We need to talk.”
I thought you cared. You told me you did. So it’s not unrealistic to think that when I was gone you were thinking of me. But you weren’t. You weren’t thinking of me. You were forgetting about me.
I know what it would be like to let you go. I tried it but it didn’t work out. So what do I do now?
What do you want from me? Was I smart? For letting you go in the past? If so, why do you keep coming back?
Heart drops. Heart goes back up. Heart drops. Heart twists. Heart drops. Heart turns. Heart drops. Heart wants to give up.
I close my eyes and I can see his smile, hear his voice, picture him, smell him, remember him, drown in him. Caffeine, please keep me awake.