Fake Friends and Forgiveness

So this might not be like a new experience story because of course, I see some of my old fake “friends” all the time.

And my interaction with her isn’t haunting me and I’m not overthinking it. I actually considered not writing about this because it’s not really a big deal to me and I don’t want to make it bigger than it actually is.

It’s not the interaction itself but how I reacted in the mere second I saw her.

I feel like you should have some background on this fake friend. We became friends freshmen year and I actually thought she would stick around for a while. Of course, our relationship wasn’t perfect no relationship ever is. But I never thought that there would be months that we wouldn’t talk to each other or instances where we see each other in school and act like we weren’t close. Or at least she acts like we weren’t close.

But honestly, it’s not like she was an amazing friend to me. In my sophomore year, (my current worst year in high school) I sat with her at lunch because my best friend didn’t have the same lunch period as me and I was still kind of a newbie to high school so I didn’t really have any other friends. There were days where it was shocking when she came to lunch or she told me where she was at lunch. She just left me some days to sit at a table alone. One of these instances involved her sister seeing me and telling her that I was alone which then made her call me near the end of lunch and tell me that she was in the library. She never even told me she was in the library in the first place, only after her sister saw me alone. A pity call.

That was literally the worst period of my life. I thought I wasn’t worth enough to even be accompanied at lunch.

But our friendship kept going (on snapchat) because I tend to forgive and forget. But then she started hanging out with other people and finding her “real” friends. It always felt weird seeing her snapchat stories of her having fun and doing so many things while I sat at home with anxiety. It didn’t feel weird it felt like crap. But to see her with all those friends?

What was so wrong with me? Why did she want to throw me away like I was a useless piece of garbage?

In December, I don’t remember who talked first but it happened and the conversation lasted for days. I tried hard to talk to her even in times when I could feel that she didn’t want to talk to me. Even in times when her replies shouldn’t have deserved anything more. But I didn’t want to just leave her on read and let whatever our friendship was to come to a definite stop. It was honestly nice to talk to her again. It felt like old times.

But it didn’t last.

Nowadays, I barely think of her (except of course when I’m checking that dumb, needy app) but that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt. I even find myself not being able to look at her story because of my hurt feelings.

Back to the present. I see her when I go to my fifth period out of nowhere. I can’t really avoid her or pretend I didn’t see her because the hallway is pretty empty and she already caught my eye. She smiles and seems excited and opens her arms for a hug. I don’t really know what

I don’t really know what happened in that moment. When I hugged her, it didn’t seem fake on my part. When I smiled at her, it felt fake at first and then it felt genuine. Then she said a joke about my smallness and I retorted back a joke.

I tried to be hurt. I tried to be fake. But it didn’t work. I was real. My smile didn’t feel fake.

Maybe it’s because everything happened in seconds and it wasn’t even a long interaction, but how I reacted is bothering me.

I always forgive and forget so easily.

I forgave and forget all the crap that Phoenix has put me through, but that’s partially because I have feelings for him so I can’t really allow him into the circle.

But why do I always forgive and forget? Even if that person doesn’t deserve forgiveness?

After that interaction, neither one of us is going to reach out to the other. So why did I feel the need to be genuine with her?

Why wasn’t I able to give her a fake smile? Why wasn’t I able to give her a fake hug? I mean I know I’m capable of it. I always fake smile whenever a family relative criticizes my weight (like it’s any of their business).

Is it weird that I want to be fake? It’s not really that I want to be fake but the fact that in literally a mere second I was able to forgive someone who made me feel like crap is bothering me. I was able to forgive someone who I wasted so much of my time and energy on. I was able to forgive someone who made me question my self-worth.

And I don’t like that.

Because there have been instances where all I do is forgive people… no there haven’t been instances— it’s my whole life. It’s my life where all I do is forgive people for hurting me.

Why?

Because I don’t want to make it into this big thing. I don’t want to be “overdramatic.” I don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable. I mean our thoughts are way way way deeper than life actually is. If life was tv, our thoughts would be a soap-opera drama while our real lives would be a comedy. I don’t want to make the situation worse than it actually is.

I don’t really feel like my feelings are acceptable. Yes, it would be worse if I held onto most things and had grudges.

But I don’t want to keep getting hurt. I don’t want to keep forgiving someone so much to a point where I’m losing a piece of myself. If I keep forgiving people who don’t deserve to be forgiven for what they did to me, what does that make me?

A good, forgiving person who had the company of someone who saw me as “not enough.”

Because even if I’m the one who keeps forgiving. The other person is still the one who is 100% unfazed of hurting me. They are still the person who has lost nothing. They are the person who “got rid of garbage.”

I know this from experience: If I keep forgiving and forgiving one person all they’re going to keep doing is continually hurt me. I can’t let that into my life. I don’t want to.

Honestly, I’m doing that right now where I’m constantly forgiving someone who continually makes my mind hurt from all the overthinking. And it sucks.

It’s really not fair when it comes to fake friends and just fake people in general. You give them literally your all and all they can give you is nothing but pain and hurt and a piece of your heart missing.

It’s funny. You would think that once a fake person is out of your life everything is great: the sky is clearer and your headspace is better. But in a sense, it’s worse. Because whether you want to admit it or not— they took a piece of you. A piece that took you a long time to make.

A piece that you can never get back.

You try so hard. Some days, you might even fool yourself that it’s okay and you’ve forgotten all about the person and all they’ve done to you. But all it can take is one mere second for you to realize that it’s not okay.

And in that second you should realize: Yes, my feelings do matter. Yes, I am worth it but they are not worth my time. Yes, they did take a piece of me but I got a lesson from them.

Be honest with yourself. Use your feelings. I know, trust me, I know that there are times when you don’t want to be open and vulnerable with someone. Or you might not want to make something into a big deal.

But it’s better talking about it and forgiving the person because you’ve talked about it instead of forgiving the issue yourself because you feel bad for having feelings.

You’re human. Don’t bully yourself because you are and the other person tends to forget that. Things hurt you, things that the other person might not see as hurtful. But that doesn’t make it okay.

Things hurt you, things that the other person might not see as hurtful. But that doesn’t make it okay.

No one will ever know you better than yourself and if someone is hurting you and you’re questioning if that hurt is “acceptable,” it is. Only you know all you’ve been through. You’re feeling that way because of the past and you don’t want whatever’s haunting you to come true (maybe for the first time or to come true again). The other person doesn’t know all you’ve been through. All the anger, sadness, and pain.

You’ve been through a lot and don’t take away all that development away to just shun your feelings in the end. They are 100% acceptable and will always be.