I’m Weak, I’m Hoplessly Strong

I don’t know… I really don’t know. I don’t know how I’ve been able to stay strong for so long. I just can’t anymore. I can’t put a smile on my face anymore. There’s too much pain. Pain in my heart. I’m pretty sure if you look at my heart it just has the word BROKEN on it. I really don’t know how I’ve stayed strong this long.

I went to South Carolina this week, which is about 7 hours away from where I live. My family and I drove there on Wednesday, stayed the whole day Thursday, and drove all the way back home on Friday. On our last day while I was packing up everything to leave the hotel I thought about the word homesick. If I missed home at all, and not like the home, where I live, but the people that I see almost everyday or every week, the church that I go to every week, the general feeling of “home.” And I concluded that I wasn’t homesick at all. I actually didn’t want to leave South Carolina. Not because of the fact that it’s beautiful there and it’s probably the last vacation before school starts. But, because I didn’t want to go back to the life. The life that I don’t enjoy. The life where I am so broken. The life where people break me beyond compare.

Just today I’ve been broken so much. Today someone called me Ruth. And I mean I wasn’t really offended by the person who called me Ruth but I was more offended by the fact that I’ve been in this place for 15 years and hardly anyone knows who I am. If you exclude relatives and old classmates, nobody knows who I am. None of my youth leaders, none of them know who I literally am. They don’t know my name. They don’t know anything and I’ve known them for like 2 years. And the people who do know me never say anything to me. They don’t say hello. They don’t smile at me. I know if I want to talk to them I could just start the conversation. But, I just can’t. Because I know they might not reciprocate my hello. Example? Today, the same day, while all of this other crap is happening I see one of my friends. So he passes me by and I just thought he didn’t see me so I bumped his shoulder and said hello to him. And you guys can not even comprehend the pain I was feeling in this moment. He looked so pissed off at me. He didn’t even say hi or anything. You know what I got in return? One of those pity waves. A pity wave. He looked so annoyed at me. Which doesn’t make sense because just last week he was hugging me and smiling at me. And I haven’t even seen him since then, and I didn’t even begin anything to make him so pissed off at me. This is why I don’t start conversations.

People who have been pivotal characters in my life don’t even say hello to me. Strangers act nicer than these people. This is why I didn’t want to leave South Carolina. Because I didn’t know anyone there. And that was so glorious. I didn’t have people giving me judgmental looks, because they didn’t know me. Nobody judged me over there. Nobody knew who I was. They couldn’t label me. They couldn’t talk about me. Because they didn’t know me. Not at all. I could just live for a while. And I want to go back to that feeling. I hate having to fake a smile just to try to convince myself that I’m strong. But I’m not. I’m tired. I’m getting weaker. Have you ever heard something like “Too much happiness causes unhappiness?” I didn’t really believe it earlier. But now whenever I cry I just remember that. I’m so afraid of being too happy because there’s gonna be some pain at the end of the road. And it’s so frustrating. I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to be left alone anymore. I want to be happy. I’m pretty sure you’ve heard this quote.

“My only goal in life right now is to be happy. Genuinely, intensely and consistently happy.”

This is the only thing I want. To be genuinely happy. To be intensely happy. To be consistently happy. I just want to stay happy. I’m so tired of the pain that I feel. So tired. And so weak. But I have to put on a brave face, even if it always hurts. I have to stay strong. Hopelessly strong. Now you know.

Don’t Give Up On Me

Not to make this post sad or anything but I need to vent. Sorry if this depresses you in any way you could look at other posts for non-depressed stuff. So this post is about people giving up on me. I have had my fair share of people exiting my life. For no apparent reason. It hurts every time it happens. Every time. Yeah it kind of happens a lot. Even though I try to prevent it from happening. I try to dismiss the negative people out of my life. But sometimes it’s the people that you don’t even assume to hurt you that do. People that you thought would always be by your side… and then suddenly they’re not answering any of your texts or they don’t even say a simple hello. People you thought would never give up on you. They don’t INTENTIONALLY try to hurt you but it does hurt. I thought you would always be there for me. But suddenly you’re not answering my texts. You’ve stopped trying. Then you start to contemplate if you did something wrong. No I didn’t so anything wrong.. I thought the conversation was going great. But I guess not. And you know that they’re on their phone or their phone did not accidentally get put in the dryer in the last 20 minutes. Because they’re on their social media. Now that’s just knife in the heart fantastic. You’re intentionally yet not intentionally ignoring my texts. And it’s not just texts, you don’t even take the effort to ask how life’s been. Then it’s not just one text. It’s a whole bunch of texts. Then whenever you start to have a conversation you try so hard to be interesting and grip their attention so that They. Won’t. Leave. When has this friendship suddenly become one-sided? But you know what the hardest part of all of this is? Forgiveness. They will probably ask for something or talk to me like nothing happened. Like nothing happened. And I will just forgive them. Because I don’t want to make it this whole thing. But it is this whole thing. Friendship. What is friendship? The state of comfort, love, and just being there. But you were never there. And I’m just supposed to acknowledge it like nothing happened? Is this healthy? Is this ok? It probably isn’t. But I can’t say anything because I don’t want to make it a whole thing. Like when Atticus and Heck Tate didn’t want to make the Boo Radley stabbing Bob Ewells a big thing. He just wanted to let it slide because they didn’t want to attract unwanted attention to Boo. (That was a To Kill A Mockingbird reference in case anyone wasn’t sure what I was talking about. I just finished the book, and it changed my life.) See they haven’t completely given up on me but they have given up in a way. They just stop trying. And it’s starting to get to me. I just don’t understand why.

~Depressing post of the day~