looking back at old posts

The great thing about having a blog is that you can revisit your past and see the stories you used to be in.

When I was younger, I had a great memory. I could tell you every interaction I had with my crush. That was really where most of my memorization energy went, because it was so important!

As I’m getting older, my memory is not as great as it used to be. I can even forget something while I’m doing it.

There’s this whole “blueberry muffin” fiasco which is monumental when thinking about my horrible memory. So my friend was at my house before classes started. We each ate a muffin and I didn’t finish mine so I put it in the fridge. When I got back to my room, I had no recollection of putting it in the fridge and I asked her, “Where did I put my muffin?” We both laughed because she said I put it in the fridge. But I had no memory of it! Even though I just did it.

So it’s great having so many memories of who I was in high school on this blog. One of the reasons I wanted to start writing again is because I needed the reminder that I met the hurdles and jumped through them before. And I’m gonna do it again this time around.

It’s crazy thinking about the past. Because there are memories I thought I would remember forever. There are things that haunted me I always thought I would hold onto. Then I read about something I experienced in 2016 and I’m like, “Wait that happened? When? Did I make that up?” Then it will slowly come back to me and I’m like “Oh yeah!”

Now that I’m so far from these memories, most of them are hilarious to think about. But for some memories, I get sad. Sad, because I had to go through it. Also, it was probably a moment where I was so hopeless, so I’m sad that I felt that way.

I wish there were times where we could break the laws of physics and time travel (this post took a turn). But I wish I could time travel just a little bit so I could visit my past self, give her a hug, and tell her everything will be okay. Things might not turn out how you want them to but it’ll work out and you’ll be fine.

But just knowing that there is probably a future version of myself, or there will be a future version of myself who will want to do the same thing with me right now. She would want to visit the person I am in this moment, give me a hug and tell me everything will be okay.

It’s comforting to know future me will someday read these posts, laugh at the memories (or lack of memories), and feel sentimental about who I used to be.

movies and life.

You know how in movies the main character always has that moment of darkness?

Everyone has given up on them that they want to give up themselves. They don’t see a point in trying anymore because it’s become useless.

They start to give in to the darkness of their emotions when something happens.

They become hopeful again and start to believe in themselves again.

It’s like a newfound sense of courage has kicked in.

And they can’t rest until they can redeem themselves and bring hope and light to the world again.

They no longer feel helpless.

I guess movies like this aren’t very reliable because life is more complex than this. You’re gonna have more than one hopeless moment in your life. That’s hard to stray away from.

Also, the main character is kind of “known for” being a badass and saving the world and being capable of saving it.

But in most of these movies, these characters have a “special power,” be it, magical or non-magical. They could have super strength, be a wizard, have something come out of their hands.

And it makes you feel like a little kid watching these movies because you want to be the one fighting your toughest battles with ice powers or speed. Because it’s so freaking cool.

And for a moment…

Just a mere moment, you believe in the impossible.

I’m not only talking about the impossibility (or possibility) of these powers.

I’m talking about the possibility of unfailing hope and utter happiness.

You believe for a moment that you’re capable of being brave like them too.

There’s this feeling of adrenaline rush after finishing a good movie where all is well at the end. Because it gives you hope.

It makes you feel capable of what the main character is doing, and that is making sure all is well at the end.

Nowadays, I’m just looking for that “special power,” I’m waiting for my beacon of hope.

Because sometimes it feels like I’m taking 2 steps forward and 5 steps back.

I want that moment of when something will change my life, my perspective. Not only for a night or a week. But for the rest of my life.

I don’t want to revert to the person I used to be anymore. I want to be safe in the present.

I want that breaking point of “I can do this because of …”

I want that moment in life where I accept being me and I know my purpose.

That’s my ultimate goal.

A Little Hope in Humanity

It’s really hard to have hope or faith in humanity.

So when I saw a recommended YouTube video with the title, “This Girl Was Getting Bullied. How These People Reacted Will Amaze You” I got scared.

I legitimately got scared.

I was scared that people would just ignore the girl getting bullied, that thought terrified me.

I don’t really have a lot of faith in humanity, but watching things like this just make me really happy, and I thought that I should just share the video because it’s really important.

It’s really important that we don’t lose all our hope in humanity.

My Hopes for the School Year

I don’t think anything is more nerve-wracking than the night before the first day of school.

With no idea what’s in store for the new year.

No clue to what’s going to happen and what the definition of “mundane” will be.

I don’t know whether I’m excited or nervous/scared about my first day, maybe a combination of both?

Although, I will not be excited about the dysfunction of my sleeping schedule and the upcoming stress of all the assignments… I’m really excited about the classes and the learning experience.

I’m excited to be a junior and maybe learn more about who I want to become.

Goodbye Summer.

You were good to me, but it’s time to move on.

I’m not completely ready to move on, but I need a new experience.

I don’t think school will be that bad, I hope it won’t be.

But, of course my anxiety has to butt in.

I worry about having the same lunch period with my friends.

I worry about the teachers, who’ll be in my classes, how difficult they’ll be.

But, I’m also kind of over summer, and these worries are just worries.

Who says that I can’t be happy with my life?

Does life itself prove to me that I can’t be happy?

Sometimes I do blame life for treating me badly, but what if things can maybe go in my favor for once.

I’m putting so much hope on this one day of school, but what’s so bad about hope?

I want to hope for a good year.

I want to hope that I’ll be happy.

This year might not always have its’ ups and it might not always have its’ downs…

I don’t hope for utter happiness, because I think that’s humanely impossible.

I just hope that whatever experience, good or bad, comes my way, I’ll be ready for it and I’ll be able to face that situation head strong.

I want to finally believe in myself, and not just call myself strong, but use my strength to get through any experience in life.

That’s my hope for this year.

(I’m still really nervous, but in a good way? Is there a good way..?)

Setback

I don’t know why there are setbacks and disappointments and hurdles.

I just don’t know why something good has to turn into something bad.

Is the experience a lesson? I don’t know.

I was hoping to get my learner’s permit today, but there was a setback.

I was doubtful that I would actually get my permit. Maybe that was a given.

It took us 20 minutes to get a parking space there. Maybe that was a sign.

I stood in line, excruciatingly, for an hour. Maybe that was just mean.

I walk up to the lady who seemed to have no interest in our personal well-being. Telling us we needed the one document that we didn’t have, my birth certificate.

I had my social security number, my id, my passport, my physical being. Yet, we needed a piece of paper to lift us out of the excruciating 2 hours that we already wasted.

This lady didn’t seem to care about the fact that we were humans as well as she shouted “Next!” I guess it’s not really her fault, but I was still mad.

I was mad when I got in the car.

I was mad when my brother opened the front door.

I was mad when my dad gave me my birth certificate and said he didn’t know.

I was mad when my mom asked me if I wanted to eat fish for lunch.

I was mad, I was furious.

I wasted 2 hours of my life to learn what about my setback? To learn that I should bring my birth certificate? To learn that life doesn’t always go the way we planned?

I don’t know why what happened today happened.

I really wanted to get my permit, but I was scared.

I guess I wasn’t really sure if I would even get my permit today. I didn’t really believe in myself?

Maybe that’s why I had a setback?

Forgive me for thinking everything in my life is a lesson.

Lesson or not, I still don’t understand setbacks.

Although, thankfully, I’m not mad anymore. I wanted to be mad. I wanted to go into my hole of brokenness over a mishap, because I could see it as life conspiring against me, but I didn’t. I saw it that way at first, but then something happened and I believed in myself.

The mishap was simple, I just didn’t bring a piece of paper. Yet, my mind can turn that into life plotting to sink me.

I think I’ve been giving my mind too much authority. I haven’t been helping my mind,  it’s been kind of controlling me. Not only today, but everyday of my life.

I have to fight my mind whenever something bad happens and I overthink.

My mind isn’t my enemy, but it only uses knowledge, not feelings.

Going back to the main point, I don’t know why setbacks exist, but I do know that they don’t have to bring you down.

Whatever happens, whatever disappointment occurs, it is not life conspiring against you. I’m going to have trouble believing that too, but it’s the truth.

Whatever the setback, you have to keep going. You have to have a little bit of hope that everything will be okay in the end. I have to believe that everyday, because it’s what keeps me going.

Hope is a Fire

Hope is like a fire.

First, hope begins as a spark.

Curiosity.

You’re curious.

Does hope work or not?

Maybe it does, you believe.

So you hope.

But you don’t expect anything, because nothing’s happened yet.

At this stage you’re hopeless, but curious.

A spark suddenly turns into flames.

You hope a little bit more.

Sometimes, even without much doubt.

But if your hopes don’t work out, it won’t phase you that much, because it’s still only the beginning.

Flames turn into a full fire.

A full, complete fire.

One that could help someone survive, if need be.

This hope is hopeful. Very hopeful.

It makes you believe, but it doesn’t tear you down.

It makes you hope, like it’s a daily activity.

Hoping doesn’t scare you as much.

The fire turns into disaster.

The fire catches up with you.

Someone forgot to put it out, or forgot that it was in fact burning.

This hope is disastrous.

Suddenly, you hoped so much that it overtook you.

You hoped so much that it consumed your whole being and it took over.

And all the fire left was ruin.

The disaster turns into smoke and burned remains.

It’s almost like something was seen here.

But it’s not recognizable.

Everything is too charred,

everything is burned.

Suddenly, hope isn’t something you can ask for without doubt and anxiety.

We all know about fires.

It could either save you or…

A little hope is ok, but a lot?

It could take down a whole forest.

“Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear. A little hope is effective. A lot of hope is dangerous. A spark is fine, as long as it’s contained. “

-President Snow (The Hunger Games)

But where would we be without it?

Where would I be without it?

Not Scared of Happy

Guys, guess what?

I actually had a completely, good day today.

Completely.

Do you know how your mind sometimes replays the bad moments of your day like highlights?

Well, my mind isn’t replaying any bad moments!

Because nothing bad happened today.

I had a genuinely good day.

Maybe it’s because it’s the last day of school before exams start maybe not.

In Government, we watched High School Musical (lol) and my teacher had never watched it before, and her comments and reactions were so funny.

In Dance, we had a little party, people brought food. Me and my friend watched funny YouTube videos on my phone and it was such a relief.

At lunch, my best friend and I joked around, I don’t know I mean we eat lunch together every day. But today, there was just a happier vibe.

In Spanish, I didn’t get any headaches! (My headaches show up a lot in this class) I just laughed a lot, and smiled. It was literally a joy being in the class.

My friends all talked to me today. I received smiles, laughter, hugs, and comfort; I gave them the same. I said goodbye to all the teachers that I’m thankful for and they replied with a smile.

Let’s not forget I cured some past anxiety today, because I forgot to take one of my textbooks with me to school and it was the last even day. So, I didn’t know how I would get the textbook to my teacher, since it was the last day in her class. I was just worrying the whole weekend and blaming myself that I didn’t remember to take it. But, thankfully i asked my brother AND I emailed my teacher what to do and I’m relieved to say that the issue is resolved.

I genuinely had a good day.

Nothing (that I can remember) bad happened.

And if  something bad did happen then the happiness overruled the bad, and that just puts a smile on my face.

Because, I don’t have to be afraid or scared of happiness.

I don’t have to work so hard for it. It’s funny because I woke up today so tired, with no energy. I thought that today was going to have to be fast forwarded for me to be able to endure it.

But, I don’t know. Happiness just poured out today and I’m so grateful.

I mean, my anxiety on Saturday kind of messed me up a little bit and obviously seeing and hearing him messed me up a lot.

But, I didn’t even comprehend my anxiety today, while I went to take my textbook to my teacher because my best friend went with me.

So here’s my advice of the day…

*Drum Roll*

You don’t have to wake up in the morning drained of energy, I know it’s hard sometimes. For some, it’s harder than others, I know. But, you have no idea where your day is headed.

I think that should bring you comfort and not worry.

You literally have a day set in front of you. You have no idea what’s going to happen. Something huge can happen for you today! Something horrible can happen to you, but that shouldn’t disappoint you. Because I believe that every experience that you go through is a personal lesson.

I wouldn’t be where I am today without my brokenness. I wouldn’t be as strong as I am without my brokenness.

So wake up in the morning thinking “Another day, another learning experience.”

Even if you’re not going to school, you’re always going to have a learning experience.

So jump into the day with both feet and not with one step back.

You never know if today is going to be a good day or not.

>>Insert cliché quote<<

But you’ll never know the outcome if you don’t try.

I know it’s hard sometimes, but just don’t give up. Promise me you won’t give up.

∞Stay Strong∞
Rebecca.

Just Breathe

Listen carefully, as you read these words.

Whatever you’re going through, whatever you might be facing,

I need you to do one thing.

Breathe.

Just breathe.

Inhale, exhale.

In and out.

Forget about your problems, all of your problems, for just a second.

And breathe.

Make a list of all the things that make you happy.

Remind yourself why you’ve held on so long.

Think of all the dreams that you can accomplish.

Hope. Dream. Wish. Live. Believe. Breathe.

Don’t forget to take a break and breathe.

Believe me, I know what it’s like.

To feel like everything is happening at once and you can’t seem to catch a break from life’s boomerangs.

But you don’t need to find a way to escape the chaos.

All you need to do is close your eyes.

Forget the problems.

Bask in the silence.

And say it with me… Breathe.

realization

I want to talk about this picture.

It might just seem like another quote image.

But to me, it’s my life.

This picture saved me from going into another broken hole.

This picture reminded me of why I’m still here.

This picture got me to keep fighting.

This picture prevented me from writing another blog post about my sadness.

This picture brought me hope.

After all of the things that happened today, it’s hard to believe that I actually found reassurance and strength.

I was so close to full-out crying in a public place.

It felt like I couldn’t breathe.

My face felt like it was burning with the desire for the tears to come streaming down.

I had to hold my stomach to keep a sense of sanity, to not cry.

I came home and I cried in bed for an hour listening to sad songs.

Not eating, even though my stomach was grumbling an hour prior.

All of this happened today.

Yet I feel like the person I was at 1:00 in the afternoon,

is a different person right now.

And I guess that that is true.

I’m a different person.

Things can change in a matter of seconds.

I’m a different person right now.

I’m not crying anymore.

I don’t feel the need to.

Because I have hope.

For a greater future.

For happiness.

In God.

Maybe having hope and faith won’t put me down, it’ll only bring me up.

Maybe they’re two of the few things that’ll help me get through this.

They’re the ones who won’t allow me to have room to worry about my future.

All of these bad things happen to try to bring me down,

to try to force me to lose my fight,

to get me to go down a dark path,

to try to get me to rebel against the people I love.

That’s what pain does.

It comes creeping in like a friend,

maybe even like a best friend.

Then you start hanging out with pain and you don’t even realize that your light is getting dimmed.

That’s the worst part.

But I don’t want my light to be dimmed.

I don’t want to stay in my hole of brokenness.

I want my light to shine.

I want to have hope.

Hope is my light.

Faith is the fire that lets the light shine for me.

Faith gives me hope.

Anxiety: My Frenemy

I wanted to tell you guys what happened in my English class today.

So my class had to write a Gothic short story for English and I really like how mine turned out, everything fit together in the end and it was the first story I wrote.

When we finished writing our stories and my teacher graded all the students’ papers, we had to get into small groups of 4 to read our group members’ stories. From there our group members would pick 1 out of the 4 of us to read our story in front of the class.

So there my anxiety started growing “What if they pick me?”

Well guess what?

They picked me.

Me, to speak in front of the class.

Perfect.

This happened on a Thursday. Which means I had the whole weekend to worry until that very moment.

To say that I spent the whole weekend worrying would be an understatement.

I was panicking, my heart kept having palpitations whenever I thought of it.

So then Monday (which was today) arrived. An even day. English today. I thought maybe I had time, because she already picked who would read for Wednesday and Friday I thought I had a 1 in 7 chance of not getting picked.

Well…

We were doing an assignment and it was nearing the end of that assignment. Then my teacher said the cursed words “So, who’s going to read their Gothic story today?”

I pretended that I didn’t hear her.

I looked at the assignment I just did pretending to focus so much on it, pretending I didn’t hear her so she wouldn’t pick me. I looked at my paper with fake consternation. For real. Lol, but it didn’t work. She looked at her paper which had the names of the people that were supposed to read and she said “Rebecca, do you want to read today?”

“Uhm,” looks up, half confused, fully terrified “What?”

“Gothic short story.”

“Uhm, ok.” My heart is ready to physically jump out of my skin at this moment. I have this feeling that she picked me on purpose because during the first few weeks of the semester she told me that she wanted to hear me contribute more in class. That didn’t happen, you know until this moment.

Disregarding my teacher’s scheme let’s go back to the anxiety part of my story.

One of my classmates said “Yeah, Rebecca!” cheering me on but I could barely hear him over the rapid beating of my heart.

I got up in the front of the class.

I looked up at everyone and immediately looked down.

I just wanted it to end.

I just wanted it to be over with.

I could barely catch my breath, my heart was beating so fast which resulted my voice to be shaky.

I literally tried so hard to begin the first sentence in a stable manner but all that came out was the voice of my anxiety.

I barely got through the first sentence when my teacher said…

“Speak louder. Let everyone hear you.”

Yeah, I was expecting that. But I couldn’t, my voice felt like it was going to literally break. My heart felt like it was going to burst from beating so damn fast. I felt like I was just going to faint.

I read and read.

I guess my voice got slightly better as I continued.

I mispronounced and stuttered a lot.

I wrote a 7 page story, so this was going to be long.

I wonder if anyone is even listening?

Can they hear me?

When is this over?

Why did I write such a long story?

My teacher told me to slowdown, sorry I’m a fast reader.

I turned page after page.

Never looking up.

I just looked at the bandage on my right pointer finger and the words on the pages.

It was coming to a close, here comes the big ending.

Not to be egotistical but I’m really proud of myself for the story that I wrote.

I guess everyone liked it too.

I mean the applause felt forced, they were supposed to applaud.

But the teacher asked my classmates if they had any comments about my story.

One girl liked my narration of the character that I wrote.

A guy liked the sarcastic jokes that I put into the story.

The same guy liked the symbolism that I used.

A girl liked the foreshadowing that I had.

A guy liked how I made the antagonist slightly creepy.

These comments just made me feel so empowered and worthy.

Maybe there is a purpose for my life.

My weekend was just so, I don’t even know how to put it into words, it was one of the worst weekends for me.

I cried so many tears.

Everything feels like it’s changing.

I lost some of my hope and my faith.

I’m not fully restored right now.

I’m not sure where I am exactly on my emotional roller coaster.

But to be honest after I read my story, my writing, in front of my class it felt like maybe there is hope for me.

Maybe I can do something bigger.

Maybe I don’t belong to darkness.

Maybe my anxiety doesn’t control me.

I mean it can, after I read my story my heart was still beating like a drum and my breathing was uneven, but I learned how to kind of deal with it today.

I guess I can deal with my anxiety, I mean it’ll always be there but it doesn’t have to take over my life. Maybe it’s time to accept that I’m going to live with it. I mean I still hate it, hate it so much, I just wish it would go away, but it’s not going away. Maybe I can accept that for now.

My anxiety is happy that I got it over with, or I was chosen to get it over with. Either way it’s over.

I don’t know, maybe a palpitating heart beat is my steady rhythm.