belong.

04.16.20.

We search our whole lives

For somewhere to call home

For someone to run to when it gets cold

For the group of people who’ll have tissues and chocolate,

To get rid of our tears 

We all look for that place to belong, 

And once we think we find it,

And the moment we begin to cherish it,

It goes away.

 

So here we go again,

On another journey 

To find our home.

We go through

Rain, snow, and fear 

Trying to see if we belong here.

And just when you think you’ve found your new place,

It’s full of nothing but fakes. 

And you break, 

You scream, 

You cry. 

You wonder maybe it doesn’t work out because there’s no place for me,

Nowhere to belong. 

I’m the lost puzzle piece between the crack of the door.

 

And when you can’t take it anymore,

when you’re at your breaking point…

You take a look in the mirror,

And figure out you have a place to belong after all.

What took you so long?

04.10.17. out in nature

So I don’t know if you read my post yesterday or not, but if you did you might have figured out that I wasn’t doing so good.

I went down on my rollercoaster.

I went into my hole of darkness.

I cried.

And I didn’t want to talk about it in my blog post yesterday, so I wrote a couple of vague sentences.

What led to the darkness was pretty much the same concept as every other time. Something wrecking happened and then my mind added onto that one bad thing with other crappy points in my life and suddenly I was crying about multiple things in my life instead of the one thing that happened.

This morning I wasn’t doing any better, I barely talked to my family I felt disconnected when texting my friends. I felt empty. I tried watching a movie to get into the relaxation spirit because today was the first day of my spring break week, but I just had to be broken on the first day.

It was like I was in the middle of nothing. It kinda still feels like that.

I wanted to be happy, but I couldn’t find a reason to be.

Then my friend texted me that we should go to the park. I was hesitant at first, but then I was like ok this is going to make me happy I should go.

But, of course, my friend said nevermind because she had to read her book for school.

So things went from crap to crappier.

And I honestly didn’t know what to do.

I tried watching another movie. I tried listening to music. I tried writing a song. I tried, but I still felt empty.

Then I remembered, I have a texting hotline number saved in my phone. Basically, a place where you can text a counselor about your problems.

I don’t remember how I got the number but thank goodness I kept it for a time like this. I’ve never contacted the hotline before this so this was my first time. I wasn’t really expecting some big remedy for my darkness. But honestly, I didn’t know what to expect.

But talking/texting the counselor made me feel less alone. She made sure I wasn’t thinking of suicide (which is something I could never see myself doing). Then she broke a few layers off of me and I told her a little bit about my situation and how I’m feeling. Then she asked me what I like to do.

Then she said I should go outside in nature. And I told her my parents won’t even let me walk a block alone (yes I used those exact words lol). So she told me I should sit outside and listen to music.

Ok.

So I pulled up a chair and sat outside with my phone and earphones. Then she told me while I’m sitting outside I could do some songwriting. Huh. I never thought of that.

I tried it.

I don’t know what happened. At first, I was doubtful. Of course, I was.

But I don’t know being out there just in the beauty of nature with my music in my ears- it felt peaceful and okay. I was so focused on writing I couldn’t even listen to my thoughts. Whenever the wind picked up and blew my ponytail around it was like I was floating carelessly and peacefully with it.

I wrote one complete song and 2 half songs. This morning when I tried songwriting I finished one song but I didn’t really feel anything after finishing the song. But when I was outside (in the afternoon) and I wrote 1 and 2 one-and-a-half songs it felt like something. I don’t know how to describe it, but it felt complete.

And I felt okay.

Then after I finished songwriting I got some flowers from my backyard that were really beautiful and I took some pictures. And with the flowers I created this:

The picture really doesn’t give it enough justice. I just wanted to create a reminder of today.

I’m not exactly 100% okay but I don’t feel this overwhelming emptiness in my soul like I felt before. Before I felt like there was no use in trying anymore in life. But I still tried. I wanted help. So I told someone.

You know what the counselor said about me? She told me that I was brave enough to come forward for help. I’ve never seen myself as brave. But I’m happy I wanted to do something about that emptiness.

The overbearing scent of nature that stuck on me until I took a shower was 110% worth it.

A Setback Doesn’t Have to Be a Setback

This previous Saturday, my best friend and I planned to go to our school’s reenactment of “The Wizard of Oz.”

So we asked our parents, got ready, and went to school on a Saturday night.

When we got to the school there was a line of people buying their last-minute tickets. Of course, even though we were students, we were those last-minute people. Lol I blame it on our Indian genes.

I didn’t think that there would be a problem buying our tickets right before it started because we’ve done it before and we got into the auditorium- so why wouldn’t it work this time?

Well, long story short, the tickets got sold out because there were no seats left in the auditorium. It was the last showing of the play, I guess everyone waited until the last show date to see it.

Of course, my heart sunk. Me: with the un-surprised shock of being let down was ready to crawl into my dark hole and call this night a failure. But, my best friend couldn’t care less. She wanted to go see the play last week, but she wasn’t feeling it this week. Honestly her not caring saved the night.

While I was all hopeless and disappointed she said that we should just go get some hot chocolate from McDonald’s and have a movie night. Maybe even watch the new Beauty and the Beast movie.

So we did do exactly that. We went to McDonald’s and got some dinner and then went back home and watched 2 movies.

Concerning this night, I thought of the tickets being sold out as a setback while my best friend saw it as an opportunity to have a movie night, one we haven’t had since the summer.

A setback doesn’t necessarily mean a setback. Yes, things might not have turned out the way I planned but isn’t spontaneity better?

If my best friend and I did get the last two tickets, they would’ve been either far away from the stage or far away from each other.

Honestly, having a conversation with my best friend in McDonald’s, helping her with her anxiety of crossing the street, walking in the dark together finally getting a sense of freedom and independence, having a short dance session with Spotify, laughing and commenting as we watch the movies, and spending time together feels better than sitting in our school’s auditorium hardly talking to each other struggling to see a play.

A setback seems horrible at first; I was ready to go into my darkness as soon as I registered the words “Sold out” but I didn’t. Because a setback just turned into an opportunity.

And you can make setbacks into opportunities. 

Try thinking outside of the box. Stop planning every waking moment of your life. Be open to spontaneity and setbacks. You never know, they could lead to happiness. Pure happiness.

My Motivational Mantra for This Week and the Weeks to Come

I have no idea what’s going to come out of this week.

I don’t know what’s going to happen to me or what to expect.

I have no idea what the world is going to be like the moment I get out of my bed and step outside the confines of these safe four walls.

I’m not even going to pretend that I’m prepared.

I’m just going to take each day, step by step, moment by moment.

I might fall, but other times I might even fly.

I might experience something incredible, I might go through deep caverns of sadness.

Everything could start piling up in a mere second, where one minute I’m breathing just fine and the next, I’m drowning.

I’m not prepared for any of this.

I don’t expect myself to be.

But that’s the beauty of life.

Spontaneity.

It makes the scheduled plans of our day float far away and gives us a sense of normality.

Because our days shouldn’t be “expected” or “planned.”

They should be what they already are, and continue to be spontaneous.

I have no idea what I’m going to expect this week, like I stated before.

But I’d like to think that I’m ready.

I’m ready for life.

I’m ready for whatever is coming my way.

And even if I’m not ready, I’d like to think that I’ll overcome whatever I’m not ready for.

I’m going to try not allowing my mind to control me and my actions.

I want to stop looking at the smaller details and instead focus on the big picture.

I’m going to make it through, whatever the forecast.

If I’ve made it this far, a trivial school week will definitely not bring me down.

I will make it through.

No matter the anxiety, no matter any drama, no matter stress.

No matter, I won’t be scared of the unknown.

Instead, I’ll be ecstatic, because I know up ahead there’s a learning experience waiting for me.

And I’m definitely ready to jump in, to be a better me than I was a day before.

Change isn’t bad, it’s good.

I believe that people don’t even change, they just mature into the real person they were meant to be.

I might not be open to change, but I am open to finding out more about who I am.

So, here’s to the week ahead.

I am in no way prepared for whatever you may throw at me, but I am prepared to withstand it, and even if I’m not able to withstand it I’ll be able to live through it with the hope that even though one day was horrible, the next won’t be anything like it.

Anxiety and 50 Reasons to NOT Feel Dragged by it

I know what it’s like.. to have anxiety, to suffer from it.

So, this blog post is to those who have anxiety, like me.

I can’t really describe my anxiety in the right words, but all in all, it sucks.

It does make me feel inhumane sometimes. I feel like the people I see everyday are always living care-free lives while I have to plan out something in my head the day before, because I’m so scared and nervous for the outcome.

But I feel like, as someone with anxiety I always do little things that are never seen as “accomplishments” to others, but are accomplishments to me and my anxiety. And we, people with anxiety, should be proud of those little things, because it really is hard to do those little things, like ask for help and say the first thing to someone.

And most times it feels like anxiety is dragging us and tagging us along, like a dog on a leash, but we shouldn’t feel like that. Because whether you know it or not, we always do something that overcomes a piece of our anxiety.

So here’s a list of all the things we can pat our backs for because we took a step to overcoming our anxiety.

Congratulate yourself because you…

1. Asked someone for help
2. Did a presentation
3. Spoke up in front of a group of people
4. Didn’t have to hide in the bathroom at all
5. Survived a panic attack
6. Said the first word to someone
7. Didn’t bottle up my feelings
8. Continued a conversation
9. Didn’t worry/overthink about something I said to someone else
10. Didn’t worry today as much as you do
11. Practiced breathing techniques
12. Didn’t expect too much out of yourself today
13. Were kind to yourself today
14. Didn’t pretend you were fine, when you weren’t
15. Knew that you did your best and you can’t change the situation
16. Didn’t blame yourself
17. Took care of yourself
18. Took a break to collect yourself
19. Rid yourself mind of all worries and was able to relax a little bit
20. Spent the day with friends instead of overthinking
21. Picked yourself up after a low point
22. Found love after so much hate
23. Smiled
24. Didn’t feel the need to cry
25. Cried and let it all out
26. Didn’t listen to negative opinions
27. Didn’t care about what one person is thinking about you
28. Saw the little positive things instead of the 30 huge negative things
29. Believed in hope
30. Volunteered for something
31. Stood up for yourself, either externally or internally, either way you choose yourself over them and their opinions
32. Stood up for someone else
33. Were brave
34. Were not jealous of someone else’s happiness and outgoing nature
35. Kicked out the negative thoughts in my head
36. Followed your first instinct
37. Were lonely and you were not haunted by it, but appreciated the solitude
38. Did not overthink about your future because of one mistake
39. Weren’t worried about your future
40. Saw your mistakes as learning opportunities
41. Ordered your own food.
42. Voluntarily spoke up
43. Participated in a group of people that you don’t know
44. Found a way out of a big crowd
45. Answered a question with confidence
46. Got enough sleep last night
47. Didn’t let yourself be used
48. Went somewhere you’ve never been before
49. Did something you’ve never done before because you were too scared
50. You loved yourself and you kept loving youself

I think you should just remind yourself of this list everyday, as you go throughout your day, and be proud of something you did you thought you could never do as you thought about it the day before. You should give yourself an achievement everyday!

And to anyone with a mental illness, sorry I can’t make a list for each and every one of you, but I don’t know what it’s like to have the illness that you have. I wish I could make a list for you, maybe this idea sparked you to make your own list. I don’t know specifically what you feel, but I do know that Accomplishment #50 is extremely important for all of us and we should all remember that, and even though we might not accomplish that achievement today, we should remember that it is capable.

If anyone wants to talk about what you’re going through, I’m here, I know it’s a scary place out there sometimes, but there are people who are willing to listen and be there for you 🙂

«Music Friday»

• Scars to Your Beautiful by Alessia Cara
  

I think the fact that I was obsessed with this song the whole week and thought of this post idea is no coincidence. If you listen to the song, you’ll know what I mean, it’s so beautiful and I especially love the line where it says:

“And you don’t have to change a thing, the world can change its heart.”

• Overdose by Alessia Cara

I think that you should just stream Alessia’s full album on Spotify, because it’s the most real album out there and her voice is just so unique.

 

Setback

I don’t know why there are setbacks and disappointments and hurdles.

I just don’t know why something good has to turn into something bad.

Is the experience a lesson? I don’t know.

I was hoping to get my learner’s permit today, but there was a setback.

I was doubtful that I would actually get my permit. Maybe that was a given.

It took us 20 minutes to get a parking space there. Maybe that was a sign.

I stood in line, excruciatingly, for an hour. Maybe that was just mean.

I walk up to the lady who seemed to have no interest in our personal well-being. Telling us we needed the one document that we didn’t have, my birth certificate.

I had my social security number, my id, my passport, my physical being. Yet, we needed a piece of paper to lift us out of the excruciating 2 hours that we already wasted.

This lady didn’t seem to care about the fact that we were humans as well as she shouted “Next!” I guess it’s not really her fault, but I was still mad.

I was mad when I got in the car.

I was mad when my brother opened the front door.

I was mad when my dad gave me my birth certificate and said he didn’t know.

I was mad when my mom asked me if I wanted to eat fish for lunch.

I was mad, I was furious.

I wasted 2 hours of my life to learn what about my setback? To learn that I should bring my birth certificate? To learn that life doesn’t always go the way we planned?

I don’t know why what happened today happened.

I really wanted to get my permit, but I was scared.

I guess I wasn’t really sure if I would even get my permit today. I didn’t really believe in myself?

Maybe that’s why I had a setback?

Forgive me for thinking everything in my life is a lesson.

Lesson or not, I still don’t understand setbacks.

Although, thankfully, I’m not mad anymore. I wanted to be mad. I wanted to go into my hole of brokenness over a mishap, because I could see it as life conspiring against me, but I didn’t. I saw it that way at first, but then something happened and I believed in myself.

The mishap was simple, I just didn’t bring a piece of paper. Yet, my mind can turn that into life plotting to sink me.

I think I’ve been giving my mind too much authority. I haven’t been helping my mind,  it’s been kind of controlling me. Not only today, but everyday of my life.

I have to fight my mind whenever something bad happens and I overthink.

My mind isn’t my enemy, but it only uses knowledge, not feelings.

Going back to the main point, I don’t know why setbacks exist, but I do know that they don’t have to bring you down.

Whatever happens, whatever disappointment occurs, it is not life conspiring against you. I’m going to have trouble believing that too, but it’s the truth.

Whatever the setback, you have to keep going. You have to have a little bit of hope that everything will be okay in the end. I have to believe that everyday, because it’s what keeps me going.

Not Scared of Happy

Guys, guess what?

I actually had a completely, good day today.

Completely.

Do you know how your mind sometimes replays the bad moments of your day like highlights?

Well, my mind isn’t replaying any bad moments!

Because nothing bad happened today.

I had a genuinely good day.

Maybe it’s because it’s the last day of school before exams start maybe not.

In Government, we watched High School Musical (lol) and my teacher had never watched it before, and her comments and reactions were so funny.

In Dance, we had a little party, people brought food. Me and my friend watched funny YouTube videos on my phone and it was such a relief.

At lunch, my best friend and I joked around, I don’t know I mean we eat lunch together every day. But today, there was just a happier vibe.

In Spanish, I didn’t get any headaches! (My headaches show up a lot in this class) I just laughed a lot, and smiled. It was literally a joy being in the class.

My friends all talked to me today. I received smiles, laughter, hugs, and comfort; I gave them the same. I said goodbye to all the teachers that I’m thankful for and they replied with a smile.

Let’s not forget I cured some past anxiety today, because I forgot to take one of my textbooks with me to school and it was the last even day. So, I didn’t know how I would get the textbook to my teacher, since it was the last day in her class. I was just worrying the whole weekend and blaming myself that I didn’t remember to take it. But, thankfully i asked my brother AND I emailed my teacher what to do and I’m relieved to say that the issue is resolved.

I genuinely had a good day.

Nothing (that I can remember) bad happened.

And if  something bad did happen then the happiness overruled the bad, and that just puts a smile on my face.

Because, I don’t have to be afraid or scared of happiness.

I don’t have to work so hard for it. It’s funny because I woke up today so tired, with no energy. I thought that today was going to have to be fast forwarded for me to be able to endure it.

But, I don’t know. Happiness just poured out today and I’m so grateful.

I mean, my anxiety on Saturday kind of messed me up a little bit and obviously seeing and hearing him messed me up a lot.

But, I didn’t even comprehend my anxiety today, while I went to take my textbook to my teacher because my best friend went with me.

So here’s my advice of the day…

*Drum Roll*

You don’t have to wake up in the morning drained of energy, I know it’s hard sometimes. For some, it’s harder than others, I know. But, you have no idea where your day is headed.

I think that should bring you comfort and not worry.

You literally have a day set in front of you. You have no idea what’s going to happen. Something huge can happen for you today! Something horrible can happen to you, but that shouldn’t disappoint you. Because I believe that every experience that you go through is a personal lesson.

I wouldn’t be where I am today without my brokenness. I wouldn’t be as strong as I am without my brokenness.

So wake up in the morning thinking “Another day, another learning experience.”

Even if you’re not going to school, you’re always going to have a learning experience.

So jump into the day with both feet and not with one step back.

You never know if today is going to be a good day or not.

>>Insert cliché quote<<

But you’ll never know the outcome if you don’t try.

I know it’s hard sometimes, but just don’t give up. Promise me you won’t give up.

∞Stay Strong∞
Rebecca.

my Weight.

I like compliments.

They make me happy.

Complimenting my hair, my clothes, my personality.

Anything.

Because someone actually said something nice to me without my asking.

I don’t ask for compliments. People just give them to you.

But, you know, there is a compliment I don’t like.

Compliments about my weight.

Growing up, I’ve been sensitive about my weight.

Being Indian, or of any culture I presume, your aunts and uncles observe your weight. Why? I’m not sure.

Maybe they just want you to be healthy.

Maybe they just want you to make sure you’re not starving yourself.

Maybe they just want to make sure that they give you a bowl full of insecurities and self-consciousness.

Ever since I was about 8 or 9 people have been talking about my weight.

Not just people. Family. Extended family. Close family.

Ever since a young age I’ve been told I was “too skinny.”

Almost at every family function I was told this.

And to say it bothered me would be an understatement.

I tried to make myself gain weight. I tried to eat more.

But I physically could not.

And I had to stick with being too skinny.

I was so so so scared whenever I had to throw away my food.

Because even if I didn’t finish a crumb someone would look at my plate and say “That’s all your going to eat?”

I had to figure out ways to hide my plate. Like throwing a napkin over it.

Trust me I would eat, but somedays I took more than I could eat.

Whenever I would go to the hospital for a checkup or to the doctor, once I got on the weight scale I tried not to make it a big deal. But I knew that the presence of my parents were there.

Of course, my parents are just making sure I’m healthy. But really?

My weight haunted me for the rest of my pre-teen years.

I believed that I had to please these people.

Today, I’m ecstatic to say that if other people have a problem with my weight or my eating habits then that’s their problem.

But that doesn’t mean that the whole thing went away.

A few months ago, my family and I were getting this aunt from the airport and literally the very first thing that she said to me once she got in the car was,

“You’ve gained some weight.”

Shouldn’t I be happy? I mean for half of my life people had told me I’m too skinny and I should eat more. I should be glad that I’m being told the opposite of that right?

Wrong.

So very wrong.

Why is my weight a topic?

It shouldn’t be.

If I’m losing weight or gaining weight it shouldn’t be your concern.

I don’t even care if it’s considered a compliment, I don’t want it.

That might sound rude or petty or whatever.

But I really do not want you talking about my weight. Or generalizing it.

I’ve learned to love the body that I’m in.

I’ve learned to love the person that I am today.

Even if you’re making coversation with me, there are so many other things you could ask me about.

This is to the people who made me insecure.

Please don’t talk about my weight.

I really couldn’t care less what you think.

I am me and you are you.

Don’t worry about my eating habits.

I’m healthy. I eat. I love food.

I’m still growing I’ve barely reached 20 years of my life.

Thank you for in some sense worrying about me.

But I’m my own person.

If I think I’m not healthy I’ll work on it.

But I’m pretty happy with who I am right now.

But, for real, thank you. Thank you for the insecurities. Thank you for bringing me down. Thank you for making me self-conscious.

It’s made me stronger. It’s made me passionate. It’s made me change my perspective.

So thank you for making me stronger.

But I don’t want weight compliments.

∞Stay Strong∞

♥Rebecca.

Mirror Regimen

“You are beautiful when you smile.”

“You’re so smart, I can’t believe you finally figured out that problem!”

“Your laugh is so contagious.”

“I’m so proud of you.”

“You’re really funny.”

“You can do this, you’re strong.”

“I love you.”

These would all be great compliments that people could give you. But you know what would be even better?

If you said them to yourself.

What, did she just say that, to myself? How would I even do that?

Yes I just said that. Here’s how you do that…

Step 1. Get in front of a mirror.

Step 2. Look yourself in the face. Don’t be shy, lol you’ve known the person all your life. Stare into your eyes.

Step 3. Compliment yourself. Don’t forget to smile.

Notice that in none of these steps do I say “Demean yourself.” If you do that you are not doing it right, you are doing the opposite.

But seriously guys, when you look at yourself in the mirror, don’t look immediately down, unable to look at yourself.

Look, observe, smile at the person that you are.

At the person you’re becoming.

Of the past you’ve let go of.

Why is it that we smile when others compliment us, but we can’t seem to accept or believe compliments from our self?

Or we “politely reject” their compliment, when really it’s the one thing on our mind for the rest of the day.

It’s not weird to compliment yourself.

It’ll make your day ten x ten x ten x infinity times better.

Because if you don’t believe in yourself, who will?

If you can’t love yourself, how can you love others?

If you can’t truly look at the person you’re looking at in the mirror, how are you going to live your life with you?

Because there might be other people in your life, but you are the only one who’s gonna be there for you always.

You are born with you, you die with you.

I know it might not be easy sometimes, to accept the person you’re becoming, but it all takes a little time.

Times like those, think of all the achievement you’ve made in your lifetime, and don’t tell me there are none.

You got all A’s.

You wrote a story.

You made a best friend.

You looked at yourself in the mirror and smiled. *cough, cough*

Anything, anything can be considered an achievement.

Hey, you’re even able to read this blog post, some people wouldn’t even get past the fact that I just told them to give a compliment to themselves.

Don’t demean yourself.

Don’t put yourself down.

Keep yourself up.

Promise me that you’ll do something for me, before you go to bed.

• Go to the mirror.
• Look at yourself.
• Smile.
• And say this:
  • “Stay strong.”
  • “I know you can do this.”
  • “I love you.”
• Go to bed, because you have a bright future in front of you.

∞Stay Strong∞

♥Rebecca.

(I have a signature from now on. Only took me a year, but I finally thought of one that gave my blog enough justice. I’m all official now, high five. I’m lame sorry, ok this post is done now.)

a Flower

Each day I progress.

Each day I grow.

I’m older than the person I was yesterday.

I grow like a flower in Spring.

I come out of my shell, I bloom.

Once I do I get more and more comfortable.

I start to see the beauty in myself.

I start to grow more and more.

My petals may fall sometimes but I still stay whole.

I stay blooming.

And some days I might change,

but it makes me the person that I was meant to be.

I blossom.

I mature.

I’m never the same person that I was yesterday.

And no one around me is the same as me.

I might grow faster, I might grow slower.

But I grow.

I get there.

Some are not lucky enough to get there.

Some are gone with the wind before they even get their chance.

But I have hope.

I have faith.

I’m going to live for the ones that are gone.

Other people might see beauty,

even when I don’t understand.

It gets lonely sometimes,

but I’m growing on my own.

Some days others are there, and I’m grateful.

Other days I’m by myself.

And I might not know it, but I’m growing.

I’m grateful.

I’m like a flower in Spring.

I thrive,

I might fall, but I prosper.