I Don’t Know.

Have you ever had that feeling?

That feeling after finishing a good book.

That feeling of your favorite singer quitting the business.

That feeling after a character dies in a book or on a show.

That feeling of watching a great movie that has no sequel.

I chose all these examples because they might not seem big or real to you, but once you feel them they hurt.

I want to talk about something that really hurts that might not seem big to you, but is huge for me.

I don’t mean to sound over dramatic or anything, I just want to write out my feelings on this subject because although it might seem ridiculous it breaks my heart knowing this is real.

So, my favorite band is Fifth Harmony.

They’re my role models. They inspire me so much. They’re so beautiful. They give me so much happiness. Their music just brightens my day.

Well today they made an announcement that one of the five members of the group are leaving to pursue a solo career.

At first, I thought it was a joke… and now it’s kind of hard to believe.

I’ve been there ever since their first performance on XFactor and it just seems… unreal.

I feel empty inside, and yes it’s because of this.

I mean being there from the beginning to watching everything slowly break into pieces is hard.

It’s really difficult for me to type out my feelings because it feels like no one cares and it’s not a “real matter.” I mean I would get it, it’s just a band. It’s nothing. But it’s something to me and I just want to talk about it somewhere.

I’m ok for moments but then there are just these intervals of pain where it hits me. This is real.

And it sucks. Because I was hoping to see them ALL perform once I learned how to drive and made some money of my own, but now I’ll never get the chance to do that.

It’s just an odd feeling. It hurts and I don’t know what to do to fix it because it’s not an everyday hurt. It’s not a situation where I can convince myself that everything will be ok. Because it won’t be.

Nothing will ever be the same.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. So I just wrote it down into words. But it didn’t help.

And listening to this hurts. Physically, emotionally, and mentally.

 

reminder!!

I want to share something important that should be locked into your brain forever and ever and ever.

Here we goo….

Are you ready?

Don’t do a nice gesture for a thank you.

Shocking right?

But, it’s true.

The other day someone was walking to school with their hands full, so I opened the door for them. And they didn’t say thank you.

It bothered me. At first, it was like my nice gesture went to waste.

I mean, if the person’s not going to say thank you then what’s the point?

The point is still there.

Don’t do something nice for 2 simple words.

Do a nice thing because that’s who you are.

Do a nice thing because of the kindness in your heart.

Do a nice thing because it’s the right thing to do, and it’ll make you feel good.

A “thank you” is just a reward in a sense. We don’t always get rewards for the things we do, but we value ourselves because we know we did them.

Even though they didn’t say thank you, you know yourself that you did a good thing.

And that’s enough.

12.10.16: Carbon Monoxide

Ok this story confirms that chemistry has been haunting me, well it doesn’t but I needed an intro and I want to blame chemistry for something.

It was a Saturday night, I just finished my homework and was about to go to bed when I hear this incessant chirping. The smart person that I am thought that the sound was coming from the TV. But of course, I was wrong and the sound was actually coming from downstairs.

So like the brave girl I am I called my mom and asked her what that sound was. My mom didn’t hear anything because her room was farther away. So I went downstairs with my mom trailing behind and the beeping got louder and more annoying…. and scary.

Bear in mind that I literally just watched an episode of Criminal Minds and I was not ready for anything unexpected. Plus it was a basic Saturday night with me doing my homework, I wasn’t expecting anything eventful.

I went down further, into the caverns of my basement, and I discovered that the stupid beeping was coming from the carbon monoxide alarm. At first, I thought it was one of those instances where the battery dies or something. But the alarm kept chirping, and then a voice came out of it saying “Carbon monoxide. Stay away.” I got even more scared.

My mom opened the door to let fresh air in and after a minute or two, the beeping stopped. I was still scared though. I felt the need to tell someone, because my grandparents were sleeping in the living room, my brother was at a friend’s house, and my dad is in India. I chose to text my brother because even though the issue was solved maybe he would know what caused it. He said to stay away and keep the door opened. Then I told him that it stopped and he said to still stay away just in case.

Then after 5 minutes the beeping started again. My mom opened the door again. I texted my brother that it started again. He said that my mom and I should call an emergency operator and tell them that the alarm beeped twice. My mom was scared to call at first, but it proved to be useful.

Once she stated that someone was coming, I was more aware of my anxiety and especially aware that this was a “Real” situation and it was happening to us. It’s just hard to believe that life happens sometimes and things like this actually HAPPENS.

Well the fire department came, and it was VERY noticeable when they came. Light seeped through our closed windows, it shined so bright from the outside that our whole house was filled with light. When they show up, they show up. Of course, with my anxiety I was too scared to open the door so I asked my mom to open it. Three firefighters walked in and they went to business.

Well, there really was carbon monoxide in our house coming from the stove and their carbon monoxide meter was at 20 in our house. It should be at 0. But 20 isn’t a harmful level so thank God. They opened our windows and doors to make more fresh air come in.

It was very awkward for me. One of the guys told me to come in the kitchen to listen since my dad nor brother was there. I went full on petrified in that second. Their looks just made me feel like a kindergartener. Not even a small smile, I mean why would they? But still, it would’ve given me comfort. My voice suddenly went from 16 year old to a mouse. Yep, that’s me near authority.

When my brother came home he unplugged the stove and we were able to call our dad to tell him everything. I explained to him what the firefighters said and it was kind of cool for me to explain it. Because usually it would be my brother to take action, and I’m the observer. But it was the other way around and it was just a fresh perspective.

Well, the reason I shared this story isn’t to share a carbon monoxide story with you, because that’s kind of boring. When the whole carbon monoxide dilemma was over my brother said that he was proud of me.

I had no idea why? I mean I really didn’t do anything and I told him that. Then he told me that I made logical decisions, that’s why he’s proud.

When he said that it didn’t seem to matter that I shrunk under authority and made my mom do all the important things.

Did he really see me as making logical decisions? Did he really think my actions were something to be proud of?

I don’t feel like I did anything. I just feel like I reacted. Plus it was my anxiety reacting most of the time.

Btu if he can see me in that way, maybe I will be able to be more than the girl with the anxiety. Because even with the anxiety I was able to pull through.

But honestly, God pulled me through this whole thing. I just need to say that. Because I was so scared that I’m pretty sure I was sweating when the windows and doors were open. The carbon monoxide was at a steady level and to think the other way around is just… but I don’t have to think about that because He was there for me, He was there for us. And I can’t find any other word than thank you and I love you to show my gratitude to Him.

So conclusion? Stay safe. Through any situation, just breathe and think about rational things. The first rational thing I did was tell my mom about the sound instead of investigating myself. Even if it’s something wimpy like that (even though I don’t see it as wimpy, it was 11 at night and the sound was coming from the dark basement) it could forever change the outcome of any situation.

What If? …then Would?

Have you ever wondered the question “What if?”

What if I did this instead of that?

What if I said yes instead of no?

What if I approached things differently?

What if…

Then did you follow up the what if question with a “…then would?”

…then would this happen instead?

…then would we still be talking?

…then would I be happy?

…then would?

It’s hard not seeing things in an alternate light.

Maybe things would actually be different if we followed our what if’s then maybe the then would’s could have possibly happened.

But, I mean who even knows for sure that those things would happen? No one on this earth knows that for sure.

We have to stop shredding and ruining ourselves over the what if’s.

Things happen the way they do for a reason. There’s a reason that we did whatever we did in that moment.

Wondering what if is just our way of blaming ourselves for our own actions. Our actions are always justified in the moment. Our brains might not always be at our full capacity in certain situations but our actions should always be justified. You should always believe you’re doing the best for yourself.

Asking what if is like those times when 10 minutes after someone was being sassy or smart with you and you’re like “Man I should’ve said this come back.” What if is us overthinking past situations.

Well, there’s a reason they’re in the past.

They’re over. They’re done with.

There’s no possible way to think about the then would because it’s impossible to change the situation.

Sadly, we can’t.

No time machines.

But think about this:

What if I learned to forgive myself… then would I be able to move on?

Now, there’s a question that we can act on.

You DON’T Need Affirmation to Feel Proud of Yourself

Sometimes, as punishment, teachers tell their students who have disobeyed to write a single phrase over and over and over again. Like “I was wrong” or “I will not interrupt during class again.” The point of this was that the disobedient student will get so tired of writing the same phrase over and over again it will get so annoying and physically excruciating they won’t do the bad thing they did again.

In a similar way, I want to tell you a phrase that should be burned into your brain, not because you did something bad or good. You just NEED to hear this:

We don’t need affirmation from people to feel proud of ourselves or of our accomplishments.

Yep bold and underlined, that’s how you know it’s really really important.

I always look for affirmation in others which just lead me to getting hurt because I expected too much.

The other day, my friend and I were doing this separate art thing where we drew anything that we wanted. My friend is known for having the art bone infused in her body, while I definitely do not. So I wanted to draw a girl crying, and I tried so hard. Not to sound cocky or egotistical, but I thought that my eye and the teardrops were actually pretty good. So when I asked my friend, “Does this look good?” She just nodded her head seemingly uninterested, “Yeah it looks fine.” And this made my opinion of it go from “Wow it actually looks pretty good” to “Is it that bad?” Then 10 minutes later she asked me how a drawing of her hand was, she looked for affirmation in me. Could I give it to her?

But why is it that when we feel good about something we need to look for our opinion in others? Why isn’t our own opinion enough?

Well there are a lot of answers to that.

But we’re not focusing on that, we’re focusing on the fact that we never feel good enough about our self or our accomplishments.

We always search for verification of:”Is it good enough?” “Did YOU like it?”

Why does it matter so much to us what they think?

No, of course it’s not bad to ask for other’s opinions of your work, but you shouldn’t depend so much on THEIR opinion that it becomes YOUR opinion.

If you were proud of it at first, YOU SHOULD STAY proud of it. No matter what they said.

What matters is your opinion.

What if we took this in the other direction. Instead of seeking favor of our accomplishments, what about favor of ourselves?

What if you think that you looked pretty today? You look in the mirror and you smile and you compliment yourself and you’re happy, then you exit the house and hope that people will notice your beauty.

What if no one does?

Will you suddenly think that you don’t actually look all that pretty?

Please don’t base your opinions on other people’s opinions. There’s a reason we have opinions, to hold different view and beliefs from other people.

I know it’s hard, it’s hard for me too. That’s why I have to keep repeatedly say it over in my head:

We don’t need affirmation from people to feel proud of ourselves or of our accomplishments.

We don’t need affirmation from people to feel proud of ourselves or of our accomplishments.

We don’t need affirmation from people to feel proud of ourselves or of our accomplishments.

My Week

I guess this is the part where I blame school for my lack of blog posts.

But to be honest, through the seemingly endless amounts of homework, I actually had a really good week, emotionally and mentally!

So on Monday my school had a walk out/protest against president-elect Donald Trump. And I have never been more proud of my school. We, as teenagers, don’t really have any say behind a vote because some of us don’t even have the right to vote yet. So, we just have to stand on the sidelines while the adults are the only ones with “just” and “fair” opinions. While we’re just hormonal teenagers. Well, this was an event where the hormonal teenagers actually took a stand. I didn’t participate in the walk out because it was sort of a rash decision and it was during school hours and to me education is my priority. But I’m really happy that people my age actually made a difference, because in my area “The High School Protestors” was all over the news. I’m just really glad of the environment I live in.

Yesterday I went to a school play with my best friend and it was such a good day. We had lunch before going back to school to see it, it was the first school play we saw and it was an adaption of “Hamlet.” To be honest, I had no idea what the actors/actresses were saying but they were so amazing lol. Especially the girl who played Hamlet, she was so convincing and portrayed Hamlet amazingly. My best friend and I really didn’t have any knowledge to school plays, so when the play was at its’ climax and the lights blacked out and people started clapping and leaving, we were so confused. The play didn’t finish? Then we realized… it was intermission. Lol, that’s something we’re gonna go back to as a laughing moment.

On Thursday I got my report card and I’m so proud of myself. I worried so much this quarter and it all paid off in the end. I used to be so afraid of checking my grades because I was that anxious to see them, and I hated doing that to myself. But now, I check my grades every week to make sure I’m on the right track. Sure, somewhere along the way it might make me mad, anxious, and discouraged. But, how can I be a “winner” (I’m not a winner lol it’s a metaphor) if I can’t even check the scoreboard?

Then today was kind of a chill day. In photography, I held my first film camera and actually learned how it worked. And I’m doing a project with the friends that I’ve made… I actually made real friends not the fake ones. In piano, I had a playing quiz that I was stressing over and I made no mistakes! My piano teacher clapped and told me I did a great job.

I mean my week had its downs and I remember the downs, but I’m really trying every day to focus on the positive and disregard the negative. It’s really, really hard considering my anxiety worrying and picking out every bad detail, but it’s a day by day progression. As of this moment, I’m happy and I don’t want to think of anything that can ruin that. I hope you guys had a great week as well!

«Music Friday»

• Unsteady by X Ambassadors
  

nostalgia and being lost

Saturdays are very nostalgic for me.

Do you ever think about how life was and how it is now? How drastically life has changed?

I mean life has drastically changed for me. Being in high school has changed me in so many different ways.

I remember before I went into high school, I thought I knew everything I needed to know. Being the “big kids” of a middle school will deepen your ego like that. Being an 8th grader sort of created this attitude that I was as mature as I needed to be. But, was I wrong. I knew nothing.

As soon as I entered high school I was like a little Bambi looking for his mama. (To be honest, I didn’t know Bambi was a boy lol) I was so lost and so confused, not only physically (my high school is huge) but emotionally and mentally. I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be. I didn’t know anything about myself.

But, that changed as time went on. I discovered who I was/am and who I wanted to be. I changed from a lost boy into a Wendy (how are my metaphors? Lol).

High school does that to you. It changes you, but in a good way.

And what i figured out is that it changes others too.

I sometimes see my old school classmates when I go to church, and that creates this nostalgia for me of how life used to be: simple.

Although, they don’t really talk to me anymore. Those teenagers…

It’s just so overwhelming to go back to the past and think about how your life used to be. And to also think about the people who used to make you smile and laugh, even for a mere second.

I mean, I grew up with those people and it would be weird not to get nostalgic over it.

Sometimes, it’s hard to believe how drastic life has changed. How much I’ve changed. How much they’ve changed.

Would I go back to how things used to be?

Nope.

Because as much as I “think” I would want to go back to simpler times, I was still lost. I didn’t know anything. And I wouldn’t change my knowledge for simpler times. Also, as much as I don’t want to believe it, the past wasn’t always that great. I was lost, like I said. But I was lost in this mundane cycle of no change. I just kept doing the same thing over and over again and I never learned anything new.

I’m happy with the present, and if the present brings nostalgia then so be it. But nostalgia is better than being lost in my book any day.

Short Sentences #14

“Promise me you’ll never give up on me?” You ask them.

“Never.” They tell you.

This isn’t how it should be.

“Promise me you’ll never give up on me?” You ask them.

“As long as you never give up on yourself.” They tell you.

This is how it should be.

«Music Friday»

• Cheap Thrills by Sia
  

Life Is Gonna Be Real… Whether You like It or Not

Have you ever ran away or chosen to ignore something that was real?

I have, I do.

Our minds can do this thing where it can make something that is 100% true into something “false.”

We choose not to believe in the REAL truth. Why? Because it’s hard to accept.

A week or two ago my uncle experienced an open heart surgery. I visited him the day before he was going to go to the doctor to get everything checked. He is my favorite uncle ever. He’s the funny uncle who’s always cracking jokes and even through the jokes he makes sure to ask simple questions like: “How’s school?” “Everything ok at home?” He’s just the best uncle and I love him so much. My dad didn’t tell me the details of his surgery, he just told it to me like I already knew. I don’t know why he did that. Maybe it’s because he knows it would be hard for me to accept, maybe it’s because I didn’t ask… because I was scared.

This past Saturday I saw him in the hospital. Which was also a surprise to me because I didn’t even know he was in the hospital. It was really comforting to see him, but it was different. He sat in a wheelchair, he couldn’t lift his arms too high, he looked sick. But he was still able to crack jokes. It was weird not being able to hug him or anything, but he seemed unfazed by the fact that he was in the hospital.

To this day, I never got any context as to why he needed the surgery. I guess I don’t really want to know why, I just want to know the outcome.

Maybe I didn’t want to know, or ask my dad about the details because I was scared. I didn’t want to accept the fact that real stuff like this happened.

My mind tends to ignore the real things, I guess that’s how I cope with all the bad things of this world. I just want to be safe, I want to still hold a little hope that everything will be ok.

But it doesn’t help me in the end. It just gives me a false perception of life. If I keep avoiding the truth how will I even be able to accept the future?

Life is gonna be real with you, whether you like it or not. I don’t particularly like it, but I don’t want to keep lying to myself. I don’t want to keep believing my false perceptions.

It doesn’t help, trust me. I didn’t think I could handle seeing my favorite uncle in a hospital, but I did face it, I could. It made me 100% happier seeing that he was ok. But, I was also happier because it was ok believing in the real.

It’s World Mental Health Day!

I’m so happy because today is World Mental Health Day!

I’m happy because this day actually exists, I didn’t even know it was a real day, but it is.

Granted there are very many special days that are unknown. Like there’s a national pizza day, national smile day, national dance day, etc…

I don’t know who came up with all of these national and world days.  But to whoever brought forth, made known, or created World Mental Health Day, I just want to hug them and never let go.

I mean on this day, I feel like I’m not in a labeled box.

I’m not some weird human being that could be from another planet.

I don’t feel different about who I am.

I feel accepted today.

I feel like I’m not alone today.

Actually, mentally I had a great day! My anxiety was at a reasonable level and I’m happy. I didn’t have much work today so my stress and worry level are down. I spent the day with my best friend and it was just a really good day today.

Unfortunately, not all my days are like this. But that’s ok.

Because today has just been a reminder to me that:

On my good days, yes I’m going to smile, I’m going to fight, and I’m not going to give up. And it’s amazingly great.

But, on my bad days, I’ll feel like giving up. But that’s okay because it makes me who I am. But it doesn’t make me weak, it makes me honest. It makes me human.

Sometimes, my anxiety makes me feel like I’m not human.

It makes me feel distant from the world. Different, a bad different.

And I hate it, but at least I don’t let it take over my well being.

A few months ago, I would have denied the fact that I had a mental illness, I mean how could I admit to suffering to something so extreme? How could I walk onto this path and just accept myself as having what I’ve only read in Health Textbooks? How could I walk under the harsh generalization that society has about mental illnesses?

How could I do that?

It was hard; admitting and accepting. But when I finally did, I received something I’ve never had before: Clarity.

I could finally understand myself. I could finally realize why I was “quiet” and “shy” and didn’t like big crowds and never raised my hand and could never order my own food and had heart palpitations when I came to early to school or came to late and why I worried about little things and why I’m scared about other’s perceptions so much and why I worry so much if I’ve hurt somebody’s feelings and why I hide in the bathroom in social settings.

I had to stop lying to myself. And when I did, I actually improved my mental health instead of deteriorating it.

One of the reasons that I’m mentally healthy today is because I owned up to my mental illness, and I talked about it. I shared that piece of myself with you guys, I talked about it with my friends, and I make sure that I never expect too much out of myself.

I’m not a fan of my anxiety, but it makes me who I am.

It helps guide me to the things I do and don’t like. It shows me my comfort zone and my breaking point. It opens up my eyes to not only my suffering but others.

Not only has accepting that I have anxiety helped my health, but it has also opened my eyes. It was like I was living in my own bubble in the past years, and I forgot that there are a whole bunch of other people who are suffering and in pain. My anxiety has given me a passion to helping those in need and those who have mental illnesses like my mom and myself.

My mom has schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and depression and I never understood it as a kid. Who was my mom shouting at? Who was she talking too? Why is she almost always picking a fight? Why is she so angry? Wasn’t she just happy a minute ago? Why is she always sick? Why is she still sleeping when it’s day? Why did she ask me what year it is?

I always saw things on the perception side instead of the reality side. I actually thought the thoughts that society has about mental illness. I was just judging my mom without knowing anything about the pain that she goes through, and I hated myself. My mom wasn’t/isn’t a bad person. There are just bad things inside of her head which causes her pain. She was/is going through more hell than I could possibly imagine.

No one ever understood my mom, actually it still feels like no one understands her now. This is my basis for why I didn’t want to accept my mental illness. I didn’t want to feel like I was alone in my suffering. My mom deserves the world, but sometimes it feels like I’m the only one willing to give her that. She goes through pain everyday, but people never understand her, will they ever?

I’m just really happy that today exists. Because I don’t feel like I’m alone. I don’t feel like my mom is alone. I feel like everyone who feels alone and down and alienated and in a labeled box can come forth and be themselves. They can say that “No, I had a bad day because I have ________ but it’s okay because I know that there are people who will be there with me and who are going through the same thing I’m going through.

We can also tell the world what we are and who we are, what we have and why we have it. We can say who we are without worrying about being judged. Without perceptions. Without the fear of the stigma. We can just be us.

That’s the most comforting thing in the world to me.

October 10 doesn’t have to be the only official day of World Mental Health Day, to ourselves we can make everyday this day.

We can promise to look out for ourselves and for others. We can vow not to judge ourselves or others. We can promise to love ourselves and others no matter the strings attached no matter the labels.