Disregarding My Heart for My Heart

I could reach into my chest and take out my heart.

I could read the names on it.

I could see the memories on it.

I could see what’s in it, what keeps it beating.

But, if I see you.

Your name,

your memory,

the image of you in my heart.

I would deny it immediately.

I would deny that you are the one person that makes it beat faster.

Because I can’t tell myself the truth.

Even though I know I would be lying.

Even if I could reach into my chest, take out my heart, and see your name,

it won’t prove that I like you.

It’ll only prove that I’m capable of lying to myself,

of disregarding my heart.

But that will never be as bad as admitting that I like you.

I’m not the enemy of my heart,

I’m protecting it.

From breaking, again.

Heart & Mind #2: The Pain

I’m feeling kind of down today, so sorry if this is kind of depressing to read. I just couldn’t hold everything inside.

• Bold- Heart
• Italic- Rebecca
• Underline- Mind

“What’s wrong guys?”

“Life just seems overbearing right now. There’s so much pain and sadness.”

“I’m sorry Rebecca. I just can’t stop replaying every painful moment. I can’t stop remembering all the sadness in our life. I know it’s affecting you severely. I’m just really sad.”

“It’s just that life used to be so happy. I was just a little kid carefree and never worrying what was going to happen. I want to go back to that. I’m just so tired.”

“I feel really sad. I look around and every painful thing just makes me feel sad all over again and I don’t know how to make it stop.”

….

“I hope my dad is happy today I mean turning older isn’t very fun at first.”

“Maybe we should buy him a birthday cake!“

“That’s a great idea! We should buy one and it’ll be a surprise. We’ll buy it after church.”

“I’m so excited! I hope he’s going to be happy!”

“My dad just told me we’re going to go out for lunch on his birthday with the rest of the family, after church. He’s not going to be sad!”

…..

“Are you serious? Today of all days?”

“Oh no…“

“Why am I beating twice as fast? Is that? …He’s here isn’t he?”

“Yeah he is, he’s over there.“

“I have to think about my dad, it’s his birthday. It’s not another day where I think about ‘him’ for the rest of the day and question myself. I have to think about my progress and getting over him.”

“Just a few minutes ago I was thinking about how everything he said to us was pretty much deceitful.“

“Oh, yeah. Just because he’s there doesn’t mean he has to be the center of attention. I need to focus on myself and my happiness.”

“Thanks guys, I’m feeling much better. It was different I didn’t feel like I had to impress him or do something to make him notice us. I passed him by and I didn’t feel like I had to do anything. I feel so much better.”

“Hopefully this lasts. This is only the beginning of the day.”

….

“I feel anxious because of all these people.“

“I can’t believe that I used to rarely care about what people thought. I used to be so confident. Now I’m extremely self-conscious and I don’t know why.”

“I just want this feeling to stop, it scares me. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”

“Why do I keep looking down? Why do I keep feeling sadness? I’m sitting with  my best friend, shouldn’t I be happy?”

“Every bad thing just keeps refreshing and refreshing and refreshing…“

“Nothing makes me forget about my pain. I just want the pain to end. I want to be happy again.”

….

“There he is, again and again and again.”

“Why does he keep showing up in our life?”

“Well it’s not just our life. He still lives in the area and goes to church here. It’s just a part of life. It is what it is.“

“It’s just too much.”

“I know.”

“I passed a corner and I didn’t see him coming I was looking forward and I looked him in the eye. He was already looking forward and it was brief eye contact.”

“How do you feel?”

“He’s happy and I’m kind of jealous. I want to be happy. I don’t want these clouds of sadness around you Mind. I’m trying to stay happy but it isn’t working.”

….

“I just want my dad to be happy on his birthday today. But nothing is working out. Something came up and now we can’t celebrate his birthday. I just want him to be happy. I want my mom to be happy too. It’s like no one understands her because of her mental illness and I just want her to be happy and stay happy.”

“All I feel is emptiness. I’m not happy.”

“Is there something wrong with me? I keep thinking deeply and intensely and all these feelings are too much for you guys. I’m sorry. It’s like 100 thoughts are proceeding at once.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s all just a part of life. I just hope the pain was over.”

….

“I’m staying strong today. Even though it seems ridiculous not to break right now. I’m not giving up. 3 week old me didn’t give up with underdeveloped lungs. I wasn’t created to give up at 16. I’m not going to be selfish. I’m going to live for my family, my friends, and for God. Because they love me. Even though sometimes it feels like they don’t, because they do. It’s a trick. Thinking of all their flaws and everything they’ve done to me and all the pain they’ve caused, that’s only a little bit of it, that’s the trick. To only think of the pain to let it break me down. But the pain people have caused me is only half of it. I’m not even thinking of the love they’ve given me. I’m only dwelling on the pain. I don’t know why but I just am. But think of why they’re still in your life, it’s because they love me. They don’t want to see me give up. I don’t know where my life is headed but I know that it’s not headed towards a cliff.  I’ve gotten up so many times and learned so much and I still have hope for a future. So let the clouds of sadness rain for a while, I’m getting a rainbow immediately after.”

---

That last part wasn’t even intended. I still feel sad but I know that I still have a little hope left. Even in your worst moments, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. In this my, mind, my heart, and myself were all feeling sadness. And how can you fix that? You can fix it. Whatever you’re thinking or whatever you’re feeling there is a reason why you’ve held on so long. So hold on to that reason with all you’ve got. To me that reason was hope. What’s your reason?

Update: A couple of hours after writing this, we got Chinese food for my dad’s birthday. Things are looking up!

Conversations with Heart & Mind

Thump… thump… thump… thump… thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump.

“Please Rebecca, I just want to know, can’t you just tell me? I just want to know.”

“What do you wanna know?”

“Is he happy? Like really, truly, genuinely happy?”

“Yeah, he’s happy. He’s doing what he loves. He has people that are there for him. He’s doing great in school. He’s happy.”

“Good, I’m glad. He deserves that, he deserves happiness.”

“Are you gonna be okay?”

“I’m going to be great actually. Everyone should have happiness, no matter who they are. Especially if it’s him. You and Mind thought of that right?”

“Yeah we did. I’m glad it went to you. Still like him?”

“Yeah, probably will never stop.”

“I’m proud that you, we don’t deny it any more.”

“Yeah, denial was only building up more denial. It was time to stop lying to myself.”

“I love you Heart. I’ll be here when you need me.”

“And I, you.”

…..

“Hey Rebecca?”

“Yeah, Heart?

“I still miss him.”

“I know.”

“Sometimes you just stay missing people until you don’t anymore. Or until it gets better.”

“Hey there’s Mind, dropping knowledge. Does he still have you thinking about him?”

“Yep. Can’t ever forgot about him. His name is mentioned everywhere. He was in my dreams but I don’t know why.”

“Sorry I think that was my fault.”

“Hey, it’s ok Heart. I understand. I have to, it’s in my job description. It’s not any easier for me. I try to forget him every day but there’s no point. I can’t even forget him for 4 hours.”

“Moving on is not about forgetting it’s about learning.”

“Hey Heart! That’s my job.”

“Haha I know, but I wanted to give it a shot. Sometimes we need each other to find the right answers. With each other we can do it.”

“Together. I don’t want to do this alone. Rebecca, are you still there?”

“Yep, I’m always here.”

“We figured out that we don’t want to do this separately.”

“I think that was the problem before. We’ve been facing this separately. We’ve  been saving knowledge for you, Mind and feelings for Heart, when we should’ve been doing everything together. We should’ve worked step by step. Together is way better. Have I ever told you guys that I’m so scared that one of you will go overboard? That if I think about him too much I’ll go crazy. Or if I feel too much I might do something crazy. But the problem wasn’t feeling too much or thinking too much. The problem wasn’t you guys. It was me. I didn’t allow you to work together. I arranged you both to situations. When we should’ve worked together, not only concerning him but concerning all our problems.”

“We still have the rest of our life to work on facing our problems together.”

“Our first mission?”

“Him. You guys know that we don’t need him. We have our self to love.”

“Yeah, it’ll just take some time to heal from all his words and actions.”

“Only a little bit of time.”

“But time together.”

…..

“So Mind, Anything else we need to know before starting a new day?”

“I know that it will get better.“

“It will get better. I can feel it.”

---

Maybe “A Conversation with my Heart and Mind” should be a thing I start on my blog. It was really fun typing this up. At first it started with a Conversation with my heart. But I thought why not throw in my mind? Any thoughts on this? I’d love to know what you think, if I should continue this?

My Valentine

I never really invested into this holiday as much as I do in Christmas or Thanksgiving.

Because I always felt like “I should have someone to complete me” on this day.

How old was I when I conjured up this meaning of Valentine’s Day?

When Valentine’s Day just meant having someone else.

Why don’t they teach us that Valentine’s Day just means love? Why do they make it seem like we need someone?

They made it feel like Valentine’s Day meant having someone or being forever lonely.

I had these thoughts so young, before I even knew what “Having someone to complete me” meant.

Why did I, before I was even a teenager, have these thoughts?

When I was in 5th grade, I saw kids my age with boyfriends and girlfriends and I just thought I had to have one. Why?

Why did I think someone would complete me?

I see middle schoolers with boyfriends and girlfriends and sometimes I think I’m missing something.

But I’m not missing anything.

I know what I’m doing.

I know I have to focus on myself and not on having anyone else.

I’m not saying that having a boyfriend or girlfriend is bad, it’s just not for me. Right now at least. I mean I’m 16. That’s young for me.

Some people had someone when they were in preschool, did they even know what was going on?

I had a crush on a guy in 8th grade. I still have a crush on the same guy because my heart can’t let go. I thought I needed him to complete me, but I didn’t.

I didn’t even know who I was back then. And that scares me.

I didn’t think of life this intensely as I did back then.

If I had the chance to go back and maybe tell him that I like him I probably wouldn’t

Because that would be easy. And I wouldn’t have grown from heartbreak. I wouldn’t have realized that I don’t need someone else to be complete, I need me.

So this Valentine’s Day, my Valentine is the girl staring back at me in the mirror.

Yep my Valentine is me.

A few years ago that would’ve sounded so lame to me. Today, if I said that to my friends it would sound lame to them.

But it’s not lame to me.

To be able to say that I am my own Valentine comes a long way.

Most days I find it hard to look at myself in the mirror.

So to be able to say “I love you” to myself is a huge step that I am proud of.

Happy Valentine’s Day! If you have someone today, or if you don’t, I hope you love yourself today. Because Valentine’s Day to me is just love. So be with your family, your friends, and yourself. And have an awesome day!

Uhmmm… Heart Why?

Uhmmm… Heart excuse me, what are you doing?

Why do you have to like someone?

When was the last time we didn’t like someone?

Exactly.

Why. Why?

Why do you always have to find someone to like?

Could we please negotiate on this?

Hello?

Are you there?

Are you even listening?

Please don’t tell me you’re thinking about the guy from Government class.

You don’t even know his name.

He’s a total attention seeker.

Personality. Remember? Not looks. Personality.

What? You feel alone?

I know it’s hard but you’re not alone.

Look at that girl in the mirror, you have her.

Look at those people you see everyday, you have them.

Your friend hugged you today.

Remember that?

You have these things and it’s better appreciating them, before they’re gone.

I know it’s hard sometimes and it feels mandatory to like someone…

But you don’t have to.

Honestly you, we, don’t need it.

We can’t pick and choose.

We should focus on the more important things.

Like school and our dream.

Remember those?

We have to focus on our long term goals.

Sure it was a little heartbreaking to see people get flowers for Valentine’s Day.

But honestly, we’re not ready for that.

We don’t really need it right now.

After everything we’ve been through in the past a guy is the last thing we need.

And maybe one day someone will fit into place.

It’ll be the right time.

But for right now it’s not the right time.

I’ll be here for you.

You’ll be there for me.

We can make it through.

We can focus on the important things.

You got me, I got you.

Love, Rebecca ♥

Violated

Sometimes I feel voilated

For opening up to someone

For giving my heart to them

And then getting nothing in return

For thinking they felt the same way about me

But it was a ruse

My heart was a game to you

It was a cruel trick

It left me lonely and heartbroken

It left me with a piece of my heart gone

Gone until you came back

And then left again once you left… again

I feel violated

For sharing a genuine laugh with someone who would look right through me someday

For thinking I had a chance

I opened up pieces of myself I didn’t even know I had

But you didn’t seem to care

All those wasted nights I spent thinking about you

While you were probably thinking about someone else

I feel violated

For opening up my heart to someone that I knew would break it.

Stone Cold

So today’s music recommendation is…

 

There’s multiple reasons why I picked this song.

• One. Because it’s Demi Lovato
• Two. It’s off her amazing new album which you should check out, (wink, wink) lol.
• Three. It’s a live in studio video so you can actually feel the real raw, emotion.
• This song has so many relatable lyrics.

This song has a really good message and it’s really relatable song at the moment. There are so many relatable lyrics in this song, like I mentioned before, and I’m going to explain the depth of the lyrics and what it means to me.

God knows I tried to feel
Happy for you

I really like this line. Because above all I really want I really want him to be happy. Even though his happiness doesn’t involve me. All I really want is his happiness and for him to be him and me to be me.

If happy is her, I’m happy for you

This is the most relatable part for me. I really had to understand why he had a girlfriend. I mean I know why, but why. Then I understood, she probably gave him happiness. It took me some time to realize it and accept it. But if he’s happy with her then everything’s ok. If he’s happy, then that’s good.

I’ll take the pain
Give me the truth, me and my heart
We’ll make it through

Then this line. In the end it’s always my heart and I. The duo. We’ve been through a lot. But whatever life throws our way, we can make it through.

I really love this song and it has so much meaning. I hope you listen to it and hope that it might have an impact on you too. Or you just really love the song.

I’m Not Going Back to the Start

I know it’s been only like a day since I uploaded Don’t You Understand?

And this might sound weird and you’ll probably be thinking “Can’t she make up her mind?”

So I’ve just been thinking that it’s time to not let him affect me anymore. I’ve come all this way from Yes, Really to Strong. and I can’t just give up. I can’t let him do this to me.

This might sound all weird since a few hours ago I was so heartbroken because I couldn’t get over him. But I’ve been thinking. I’m not going back to the beginning. The thing before was like a speed bump and I was feeling really urgh. And there was no one I could talk to so I typed everything out. And I felt better. But I’m not going to go back to the start. I’m not going back to the days where I would glance at his Twitter page. I’m not.

I came all this way for a reason. And I’m not one to just give up. I fight til the end. And it isn’t the end nor is it the beginning. It’s a road block. I’ve been letting the tests affect and end me. But this time the tests are going to make me stronger.

What are the tests?

So there are maybe a few weeks I never see the “guy I always talk about.” And I get a bunch of “getting over him” power. I think I’m doing pretty good. Then one week I see him. And he either looks at me or says something and the test is whether it affects me or not.

The first test was the time we first really talked after we entered high school. My friend bumped me into him, because she pushed me and he was mistakenly right there. Well he said some things to me and I thought I had a chance back then.

The other test I can remember was maybe several months later. Around the time he gave me a hug. I was doing really good getting over him. Then he hugged me, I thought I was special to him because it was the first time we had physical contact except the times he would pat my head or something (don’t ask). And I fell ALL over again. Literally all over again. I contemplated telling him I liked him then something happened and I realized I fell again and it all turned to crap.

The next test was probably Yes, Really. Which was when he said something to me over the summer. I didn’t say anything to him. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t thinking about him that whole week. I didn’t completely have to start all over again but I had to contemplate what exactly I was doing to help myself get over him. And I had to find new methods to help me.

And then there was this test. Where he said something to me last week. And it’s been a long time since I’ve seen him. Then something happened yesterday where he was just always there and out of my peripheral vision it was like he was looking at me to see if I would look at him or say something. Then I wrote that post about him. Because I just felt so helpless. Because he was right there and I was so tempted to do something, but I couldn’t because ya know.

And these tests are so hard. Because they give me so many feelings. But I don’t want to completely start from the beginning like in the hug test. I do not want to go back there. I might never find a way to completely get over him. But I’m not going back to the start.

And I might like defy this post someday, because next week he might do something and I might feel heartbroken again. But I know that I’m never gonna give up, even though my strength goes down a little bit sometimes.

I didn’t come all this way for nothing.

Don’t You Understand?

Don’t you understand?

I can’t.

I can’t talk to you. I can’t look you in the eye. In those eyes. I can’t do this again. I can’t keep feeling like this. Why? Why do I feel like you have a hold on me.

Why does only your presence fuck me up? You didn’t even say anything to me and I’m already falling. I don’t want to do this anymore.

I’m trying to pass these tests but you’re always there. It’s the same every time. I don’t see you for a few weeks and I think I’m over you. Then you suddenly pop up again and I’m drowning.

Don’t you understand? I can’t talk to you. I can’t say hey. I can’t look at you. Even though you’re trying to look at me. I can’t. Even though you think I might be your friend, I’m not. I can’t be. I can’t just think of you as my friend. Because I have these feelings for you. You made me have these feelings for you. And I thought you had them for me, but I was very wrong.

Don’t you understand? Whenever I see you I’m tempted to talk to you. You were holding the door and you were right there and I was so tempted to look at you. In your eyes. But I know it’s not good for my well- being.

Please.

Be a jerk to me. Kiss a girl in front of me. Something. Tell me something to make me let go of you. Please. I can’t continuously do this every time.

Stop trying to get to me, like when we were kids. It just ruins me. You have a girlfriend. You have a bunch of friends that are girls. Why do I think I’m so special?

And why do I always feel bad whenever I don’t talk to you? I just can’t I’m sorry. Suddenly in those moments I can’t seem to recall every heart-breaking thing you’ve done to me. Why am I like this? Why do I feel like such a jerk when I ignore you? It’s what I have to do.

I thought I was actually achieving something this time. I thought I passed the  test last week. But of course I never pass it. Because you’re always there in my heart, without an invitation.

Thanks to you I have no idea what to do with my heart. I don’t want to keep doing this. I don’t want to keep playing your game.

Why can’t you see that I’m ignoring you and do the same? Why do you have to be so nice and smug. With that stupid smirk on your face. With that smirk it’s like you know what you’re doing to me. I can’t talk to you again. I can’t look at you. I have to be a jerk to you. And I feel like such a jerk. But I have to. If I’m going to get over you.

And honestly I don’t know why I’m apologizing to you. You’re the one who made me feel special when really you had like 20 other girls as backup. you were the one who hugged me, and I though it was special, but really you had a girlfriend at the time. You’re the one who let your friend steal my seat. You’re the one who gave me that “I don’t know you” look, and suddenly you only know me when you want to.

I thought the first time that I was given the chance to make you “jealous” I would feel overpowering. But it just feels weird. You make me jealous all the time. And the one time I get to do it, I feel bad. But you can only make the people who like you jealous. And when I was hugging my friend who happened to be a guy, you just walked behind us and it made me feel so bad. But why do I feel bad? I shouldn’t because you’ve made me jealous numerous times.

This is all so frustrating. Why can’t I get over you?

This is why I never wanted to fall for you in the first place. Because I knew that we could never be a thing. But I always gave myself hope.

Why do I want you somewhere but other times I never wanna see you again?

I have a board on Pinterest concerning you. I have a playlist of songs of getting over a guy on YouTube and Spotify. I have a notebook full of your flaws to remind myself, because sometimes I forget. I send myself song lyrics to get over you. I have friends that are so proud of my progress. I can’t tell them this.

You don’t even use your middle name anymore. You let people call you by your first name. You’ve changed. The person I knew would never use his first name to be called upon. But we all changed. I got glasses if you noticed. I don’t know if I changed. You started growing your hair out. Your voice is deeper. You changed. And look at me I’m still falling for you. I haven’t changed at all. I feel like singing this song over and over again.

I feel like singing numerous songs that talk about “You don’t need him.” Reading and re-reading my board on Pinterest. But none of it is helping. Because look where I am today.

All this progress… for nothing. I’m back to the beginning. What am I even doing?

I always question myself. Whether I wasn’t pretty or good enough for you. If I just wasn’t your type.

One of my friends tells me that the only way I can get over you is filling that void with someone else. But I don’t know if I can ever replace you.

Why can’t you just be the guy who was nice to me? And the other jerky stuff can be another person.

What are you doing to me? Don’t you understand?

I have to let you go. But I can’t.

Music Update

So I thought I should open out this blog to more things. That thing is.. music! I love music so much. I play music, sing, write songs, listen to it. Music is literally my life. So I thought I should share my music of the week. I’m always obsessed with a new song each week. So I thought I should share something really cool from me to you. I might do this a lot I might not, but let’s see where it goes. Hope you listen to it!

On another music related note. At school, there was an activity fair. Which is when my school introduces all the clubs so the students can sign up for them. I signed up for this Concert Series club. When the club plays music/instruments. My friend persuaded me to do it, and another friend is encouraging me to do it. I just, I don’t know. I really want to do it. But I don’t know if I’m going to enjoy it. Don’t get me wrong, I love performing so much and the feeling of it, almost beats nothing else. But it’s been kind of hard for me to be happy and excited about stuff in my life because I’ve been having bad days almost everyday. Most of them are full of crap. And I don’t know if I can be happy about this. I want to be happy but I don’t want to be disappointed, because my heart has been through so much the past days. I don’t think I can be let down again. I just don’t know. Well auditions are Tuesday and Wednesday and I have no idea what to sing so I’m going to prepare, praying and hoping for the best.